115. Zach Zucker, Dan St. Germain, Cort McCown | Sounds

Support for this podcast comes from Progressive, America's number one motorcycle insurer. Did you know riders who switch and save with Progressive save nearly $200 per year? That's a whole new pair of riding gloves and more. Quote today. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. National average 12-month savings of $197 by new customers surveyed who save with Progressive between October 2024 and September 2025. Potential savings will vary. All right, Story Warriors. Before we start today's show, we have a huge announcement. For the first time ever, Story Wars is coming to Europe, baby. Yeah, Christ. Yep, that's right. Pull your uncircumcised wieners meat over the head because we're coming. Pull up your leader hose and polish off your wooden shoes. Get your brand food and your stupid three-point hats and whatever else. I don't know. I don't go there. Your golden suspenders. Lower the drawbridge over the moat and let us in. Things that aren't even European. Yeah. Pet dragons, soccer. We're coming. Four separate cities, four separate nights. June 1st, we're going to be in Dublin, Ireland. June 2nd, in Glasgow, Scotland. June 3rd, in London, England, mate. And June 5th, in Amsterdam. That's right. That's right, folks. Amsterdam. That's right. We're going to get AIDS and drugs. Look, it's going to be the best. We're bringing some of our friends from the States and we're going to be getting some of the best comedians from Europe, England, the UK, and all over the place to be a part of these shows. The first time that we're ever doing these shows internationally and we're coming over the pond. No matter where you're at, go right now to our website. Get those tickets, okay? Travel. Come see us. This is going to be so much fun. These are big venues. We need you to come and we need you to bring friends. For double points, yay, go to lewisofskanks.com or bigjcomedy.com to grab your tickets today before they're gone. Come see me and Big Jay Oakerson on the road. We are always touring and coming to a city near you. I am right now on the Rattle Me This Tour. Next up, I have October 22nd through 24th. I'll be in North Charleston, South Carolina at Wits End Comedy Lounge. After that, we're going to be doing Story Wars at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles on November 4th and 5th. Tickets will sell out, so get those tickets now. Right after that, we're going to be doing three separate Story Wars at Skank Fest. You can still get individual day passes at skankfest.com. And after that, I have Poughkeepsie, New York, New Year's Eve. I will be in Tampa, Florida. I got South Bend, Indiana, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Hobart, Indiana, and a lot more. Go to my website, lewisofskanks.com. And you can go to bigjcomedy.com to check me out on the road. Greatest Yapper Live Tour happening right near, coming to a city near you. This weekend, we have Denver, Colorado at the Comedy Works, followed by Rochester, New York, Comedy at the Carl's. The Comedy Mothership, Bray at California, Skank Fest, Burt Kreischer's Fully Loaded Cruise, and after that, Thanksgiving weekend, I'll be New Brunswick, back at the old Stress Factory. So take a drive down on Thanksgiving weekend and see me. So much more beyond that. Go to bigjcomedy.com for tickets right now. Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. The ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars. Make some noise for the Story Warriors, Big Jay Oakerson and Lewis J. Gomez. Oh, man. I'll tell you what. Call it the weed, but the first thing I noticed, that hot Asian woman's wearing ninja shoes for real. Oh, wow. Look at that. With the little thing with the toes where you can put a Chinese star in it to throw. You have a bunion? Ew, what an awful answer. You know how much hotter it is to be a ninja? Hot Asian ninja or Asian girl with bunion, go loose. Holy moly. What is up, everybody? Make some fucking noise, will you please? Sold out again. Sold out again to the motherfucking rafters. 68th week in a row selling out the cavernous, massive New York Comedy Club right here. How do we do it? It's 23rd Street. Every week they say we can't do it again. It's fucking crazy. Wow. As far as the eye can see. Wow. How many people in this room are familiar with the game Story Wars? Who is not familiar with the game Story Wars? Fuck you, buddy. You think you're going to be open-minded and try something new? Not on my watch. Fuck this guy trying new things. You know, if it's your first time here, it's your first time listening at home, we'll explain the game. It's very simple. Once we get our esteemed panel of guests up here. Are you guys ready for some guests? Yes. Our first guest defending his title with a 1-0 record here on Story Wars. He's the host of the Comedy Ramble show. Make some noise for the hilarious Court McCown. Hell yeah, Court. Good to see you, gentlemen. Story warrior in the flesh. How have you been celebrating? It's been months since we've seen you, but how has it felt being a story warrior? I'm sure a lot of people. Recognizing you out there in the streets? I'm telling you, man. There's a lot of people that came back that had gold medals. Fuck them. This is a lot bigger title. This is way bigger, dude. You know, there are people, but yeah. This is the World Cup. Our second competitor making his Story Wars debut. Brand new special on Netflix called Stamptown, available August 25th. Clap your hands for Zack Zucker. Zack, first time on the show. Thank you for being here. Thank you so much. This is my dream come true. I have wanted to see this specific group of people in this room my whole life, and I am so thankful to be here with you guys. That was awesome. What a great, what a way to ingratiate yourself. Very likable. I want him to win now. Don't worry. I will go racial later. Oh, good. Good, good. And now I really want you to win. If you guys behave. Get out of my head, Zack Zucker, double Z. Come on. You're talking to me right now. Now our next guest is going to look like such a curmudgeon. Our final, last but not least, our final contestant from the Burbs Bros podcast. He has a special called Dance Fatty. Dance available on YouTube right now. How about it? For the 0 and 1 on Story Wars, Dan St. Germain. I was going to say what he said. Now, fuck you guys. I don't know. It was too nice, you know. I love the show. I'm glad to be back. Thank you. Back on the show. Lost last time. Have you done any preparation? I'm thinking about how I can lose more gracefully this time. Very good. No, I mean, I was high the last time. I'm like fucking 80 days sober now, which is why my personality sucks. That's going to blow. So if you lose, if you lose. It's just me. It's any mindset. Can we get this guy some DMT, maybe? Please. No, I love this show, man. I'm glad to be here. I know my face didn't move when I said that, but I do. I do mean it. I believe you, because I want to believe you. I do. If you're unfamiliar with the game Story Wars, or it's your first time listening at home, it's a very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, sound, sound, sound, sound, sound. Ooh. Cavernous. Alex, our lovely producer, is going to take eight of those stories at random and read them off one at a time. They will appear here. They will appear on this screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. And if it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is. Every time you guess a story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So when it's your story, you have an opportunity to get four points. Do not squander that opportunity. The more stories you submitted, the more likely your story is going to get pulled up, and it is all at random. So you can get two or three stories in a row. You could even have zero stories pulled. Once you lock your answer in right here on this tablet and slide over the little thing that locks it in. Remember to slide it over and put it right here. That is it. You can't change your answer. We literally can't. We don't have the technology to change your answer. It's butt-fucked, Jay, a couple times. We have not worked out the kinks. And I'll tell you right now, we have so much fun on Story Wars. Guy in the back who hasn't been here and doesn't know what this is, it's going to be so much fun. But we don't play for fun. Jay, let him know what we're playing for today. Every week here on Story Wars, we play for a book from the Story Wars library. Tonight's winner takes home The Song Is You by Megan Abbott. - The song is you is a noir style mystery set in 1950s Hollywood, inspired by the real life tragic disappearance of actress Jean Spangler. Studio publicist Gil Hopkins becomes entangled in the unsolved case, forcing him to expose a gritty, darker side of Hollywood's golden age. I'll tell you right now, I've read most of the books in the Story Wars library. I've not read this one. I really want to win it. Yeah, this is it. Someone's taking it the fuck home. I think everybody who's going to get it gets it for sure. It's fucking sexy. Do you think this crowd's ready for war? New York Comedy Club, thousands of people live in attendance. Asian with a bunion. Are you ready for war? Alex, do us the honor. Story number one. Story number one. I was handed down an auga horn from a family member who had it in every car they've ever owned. The family auga horn currently lives in my car. It's busted, which makes me sad. So if you can fix it after the show, let me know. Well, it's definitely not Louis. He doesn't have a car. Wow. No, he's got a car. He's got a car. They'll say auga for sure. Yeah, my car says Audi. Oh. This is from someone with two morning DJ parents. It's. Yeah, I don't know. This sounds. Zach, where'd you grow up? I grew up in a place where vehicles were not allowed. Hmm. What? Holy shit. Where they were not allowed? Yeah. So that kind of just. Yeah. Yeah. That kind of just eliminates me immediately from contention. Okay. Keep it moving. Okay. Okay. His family was homeless. I've lived a rough life. My father was Hop Hopkins, the favorite film producer. Oh. I haven't seen him. He was out making big hits like There She Goes and The Big Shebang. Not familiar. Gilby Hop Hopkins? Yeah. Zach is a wild man. What the fuck am I watching? Look, it's Zach. First of all, it's Zach. Listen to the fucking story. There's no way. He's about to go crazy. He's about to go, ah, ooga, you're a lunatic. I've literally never done it in my life. If you had a bow tie, it would be spinning right now. Okay. Well, if you were with me at the Magic Castle a few months ago, it was spinning, and I have a few of them, and they were not happy that I wore that there. His eyes are even doing the cartoon thing when you see a hot girl. He's like, ah, ooga. I feel like I'm sticking. I'm a. Sorry, liberals. I'm a bisexual Jewish clown. I don't feel like I'm in the right space right now, and I'm buzzing, and I want to have a blast, and boy, am I nervous to say anything. Oh, man. No, no, no, no. By the way, let me also. Ah, ooga. I mean, it's like. I didn't think. Look, I have no idea who it was until you started speaking in what I can only describe as ah, ooga talk. Yeah. But let me tell you this. I don't know, man. I may get laid tonight. I'm excited. Let me say. What are you doing? Despite this gorgeous shell you see, Court McCown is 73 years old, and he's been around since the invention of the car when this was the actual horn. This was. You're trying to make horses get out of it. It's also been very quiet. Suspicious. Yes, it is suspicious. Well, I'm sitting next to the king of ah, ooga over here, so. That is intimidating. Yeah, I have no doubt in my mind that this is Zach. I have no doubt in my mind. I've never been profiled so hard in my life right now. You are if an ah, ooga became a person, so. It's not just your ooga. He's our ooga. The human ah, ooga? That deserved a little more than that. I will. You will warm up to me. Oh, 100%. How is this not Zach? I don't even know what an ah, ooga horn is. Zach, are you on ayahuasca right now? Holy shit. There's a lot of different apparatus flying in my face right now. It's fucking crazy. Zach's like a Family Guy character. He's like a cartoon. You don't know the little stuff? The Griffin? I bet Zach can do a flip off the wall. Yeah, dude. Like run up it and don't, don't. But I bet he could. Zach can do parkour. Let's paint a tunnel entrance. And see what happens. And he'll go through it. Yeah. I have a big bruise on my arm. And I was doing some pratfalls the other day. But that, I feel like I'm digging a hole right now. But I promise you, this was like a tactic to pull focus from me to have like a sick guess. But it is not me. Yeah. Wink. I feel like if you were digging a hole, you would pop out of another hole and say you took a wrong turn. And I'm at Albuquerque. Dude, it was almost there. I was with you. It was three-fourths here. Let's just all agree it's not me. All right. Pick someone else. I'm going to get the ball. I'm going to get the voting going. I don't know what we're doing here. This is psychotic. It's obviously court. Zach Zucker is the answer. It could be court. It could be court. I mean, if it's court, it's fucking crazy. We have four votes for Zach Zucker. One vote for Court McCown. Who was handed down an awooga horn from a family member, Alex? Let it be court. Story number one belongs to Zach Zucker. Was there? Ever a doubt. Was there ever a doubt? That was crazy. I got to say, subtlety isn't really my strength. But man, am I learning that tonight, you know? That's okay. So tell us about this awooga horn. Have you ever tried to get it fixed? What's going on? If it's not obvious, I am as dumb as advertised. So I don't really know how to use the car beyond the turning it on, turning it off features. And even that's a bit of a struggle for me. Okay, I'm New York, not relatable car material. Oh, yeah. They have no idea. You have no idea. People are laughing from the. People are laughing from the 405 to the 101 out there. Sorry, from the Kennedy Bridge to the other bridge. Holy shit. Bing bong. No. I'm so happy to be here. Oh, man. My jokes are Jewish. My mayor's Muslim. Christian Dior nicks an awooga. Gee, Mike, this is the moment to pull out your slide whistle. You've been waiting. No, my car is full of rubber chickens. It's not a joke. I've been dating someone recently. It's very embarrassing to drive in this car. There are rubber chickens everywhere. There are buttons that have sound effects from the show, like awooga and slide whistle and boing and blah, blah, blah. So it's a good ride for me. I mean, I'm shocked it's a car and not a bicycle with a big wheel in the front. A penny farthing? A bicentennial bike. Of course. Because I'm bisexual, I ride a bicentennial bike. I apologize. Wow. I already see me in a full bus. No, it's in there. It was a, my dad has had this awooga horn his whole life. Shout out, shout out PZ, P Zinger. I've been trying to re, reverse engineer my dad as a nepo father so I could have more success. So I've started telling everyone he is a famous. My dad is a pedo father, so it's a different, we had a different life. And my father on the bicycle was a pedal father. But he touched me, so it was weird. I like that. I like that. Man, I can't figure out what you guys like. Lewis' father was murdered for his actions. Yes. Yes, yes. wow wow yeah god's god's ultimate auger you saw you saw that film as well from hopkins hopkins guy fucking rules i mean i don't even know where we're at in this story but that's a great story i think i think i said three sentences max no it's okay that's fine uh but there was a lot of semicolons in that sentence sorry there was a lot of semi's in my colon my bad my bad my bad what is this semi's in his colon that's a pretty fucking great one great half hard cocks in his bisexual butthole where the fuck were you guys no one ever had sex before that's hammering at home it's delicious the people listening at home are falling out of their chairs right now maybe you know what it is maybe it's because we couldn't imagine them only being semi hard that's sweet ass i'm a sweet ass i'm a sweet ass i'm a hard i don't run i don't run around the lake for nothing i want people to objectify me god damn right dude alex we're a point that after one psychotic round all right in last place with zero points zach zucker let's fucking go y'all y'all hate to see a thick bitch win i get it and tied for first place with two points each lewis j gomez big jay ogerson court mccown and dan saint germain it's a four-way dance it's a barn burner sounds everyone sounds ever notice how life's best stories don't happen in your living room they happen on the open road out on the water or parked under the stars at progressive they get that you want to focus on the experience not worry about the what-ifs that's why they offer quality insurance designed for your ride whether that's a boat rv or motorcycle adventure with confidence visit progressive.com and see how easy it is to protect your favorite way to get away progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates not available in dc prices vary based on how you buy alex story number two story number two when i was a kid we would play stickball and when we heard a squishy giggling sound we would run away that's because a retarded kid with down syndrome would be running down the street completely naked and eating blueberries while trying to hold us. Okay. Let me explain why this is court. Stick ball. Like his family just got off the boat. Neighborhood retarded kid. They said Down syndrome now, but then they thought he was a mongoloid, and they all ran. And everyone just got out of the way. No one helped. And this was completely okay in the 50s. It was just normal behavior. Absolutely. Keep going, keep going. You and your friends were singing doo-wop around that trash can on fire. And we could say retarded back then. You had to beat up the brother of that black girl you liked to prove that you didn't like black people, but you really did. I feel like out of the panel, you're the only one capable of playing stick ball. I disagree. Because Louis was fat when he was younger. Not to throw a wrench into this, but I was a really good baseball player before I high school musicaled. I believe that. I got a letter to play baseball at Harvard, but then they looked at my GPA, and said, you know what, never mind. So, why did that kill the mood in the room? We thought, because we actually know they kept you out of Harvard because you're bisexual. I don't know if you saw school ties, but Harvard's not really open to new ideas. Yeah, they didn't look at your GPA, they looked at your GAP. They put up a sign that said, gay go home, and then you stood outside and screamed cowards in the night. I'm going to say this, this is Jay. I'm going to say this is Jay. Of course you would, Kurt. No, I'm going to say this is Jay because, I mean, you grew up in Philly, right? You grew up in Philly, stick ball, poor man's sport. Sure. Definitely poor. And squishy, giggling sound, that sounds like something you would say. That does sound fat. I do agree it sounds fat. Yeah, and you were afraid of retarded people. Still to this day, they're very strong. I heard a story about one ripping a phone book in half. Yeah. And you're afraid of naked people who eat blueberries. True that. I'm thinking Jay. I'm thinking Jay on this one. Real quick, what's everyone's favorite baseball player? Don Mattingly. Current or forever? Okay, that was the information I needed. Really? Yep. Mickey Mantle. Okay, you're lying. John Rocker, but just for his beliefs. That's fair. The guy spoke his mind. You gotta respect that he spoke his mind. You gotta respect he spoke his mind at a time. Wait a second. Dan, where did you grow up? Jersey. Stickball City. Could be stickball. Could be stickball in Jersey. There's stickball everywhere in the fucking 50s when you were a kid. This is not a thing that my generation played. Nobody played stickball in my neighborhood. This is Court Colosero McCown. I grew up in a nice neighborhood. Where'd you grow up? Oklahoma. We had baseball. Oh my God, everyone had Down Syndrome there and blueberries were fucking everywhere. Wait a minute, you grew up in Oklahoma? Zach starred in Oklahoma in the 11th grade. That's incredible. That's wild, dude. I did not believe that. That was the first time I fucked for a job. Absolutely. They said your performance was a revelation. Man, you guys are all good friends, so I'm really stabbing in the dark, similar to my time backstage in Oklahoma. Boom. Boom. Fosse fingers. I am getting it. Nothing from this corner of the room. You guys can't see the bowl jiggers. That's all the homophobes. Over here's our rainbow section. Hey, fruits. Hey. Yeah. Hey. Hey, boo. Nazi corner. Boo. Nazi corner sucks. Right in the middle, they're moderates. They're going a little bit on this side. Yeah, they see both things. Listen, we gotta have tight borders, but I don't have a problem with a Mexican bringing my food. That's here. That's here, and then over here, and then we have a ninja. We separate our audience. Into beliefs. We also have our own ninja, in-house ninja. Now, we haven't asked, Lewis, where did you grow up? Yes. Jersey. I grew up just, well, Rockland County, New York, which is just like Jersey. It's the suburbs of New York. Another stickball guy. That is because that is stickball. This is all stickball things. Yeah. Court, goddammit, it's you. I did play stickball like two or three times when I was a kid, like ever, but I was like-- We just played baseball. Yeah, we played baseball, but it was like, ironically, somebody, we were like, we're playing stickball today? It was weird. Yeah, you were hanging out with goth kids. It was weird, because the retarded kid that was running around completely naked eating blueberries in your neighborhood. Was me. Court's father-- I was that retarded kid. Court's father was a single dad, very busy bus driver. And his son, Court, was being courted, ironically, by the local mafia. No, I understand. Have you guys not seen-- What? Shh. I got it. It's got to be Court. Don't tell him, dude. I'm making up a great story here. It's great. Have you ever heard of the-- You know the Mario method? You pull your dick out when the girl's in the car with you, and you push your head down to your dick. If she goes down your brajo while she knows a trucker's looking, she's a whore and she can't be trusted. I know. It's the Mario technique. I learned that back when me and Court were doing doo-wop in the vid. Swap, swap. Does it have anything to do with, like, wahoo, Mario, or is that a thing for Mario? Thank you. Look, I'm making them laugh so that for my-- You really are. That's all I need right now, you know? Guys, this is great. I'm telling you, Court grew up in a time of white championship boxers. This is him. This is him. That's true. That's true. We were very upset when Cassius Clay changed his name. Of course you were. We were very upset. It looks like he still plays stickball. Oh, yeah, the guy's definitely a stickball shape. No one's denying that. He's a stickball shape. All right. Yeah, Dan, you weren't like a sporty kid, were you? No, I mean, I was in a chamber choir, for God's sakes. At first-- It was like a magical choir. Like, I did, like, what he does for a living in high school, you know? Like, where it was like a 2-2-- You sucked dick in high school? You got buttfucked while eating a girl's pussy in high school? You must have been the prom king, dude. Homecoming king, starting quarterback. I'd have made you everything. It was a later journey for me. I knew I was a little bit gay when I was 18, because I started sucking dick when I was 14. I just kind of pushed it down a little bit, you know? That's fair. Man, I am not connecting to anyone. Well, was it a chance? Was it a joke? I just took it as I was like, I understand what you're feeling. I was like, thank you, tell me more. I'm currently hard. I was like, oh my God, I felt so alone. So you started talking. Go on. I feel-- I feel it. I feel it. I've never sucked a dick. Guys suck my dick, but I've never sucked-- It's-- it's-- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, my God, I didn't know the fucking-- I hope slurp wasn't one of the sound choices you made. Yeah, I was going to say, Dan, what does that have to do with sounds? You don't have to open that up at all. Nobody asked. Nobody was wondering. Nobody asked. I'm trying to get it out, because I've got to be honest. I've known Dan for a long time now, close to 20 years, probably. Yeah, probably. And I've never known that guys had sucked his penis before. Well, it's the fucking-- it's the straightest way to be gay, bro. Undeniably. You dominated his mouth. And-- and that guy-- and that guy-- and here's it. That guy fucking won a Tony. Really? I swear to God. Tony Hinsworth? Best choreographer. He won one night with Tony Hinsworth. And Tony sucked his dick. And he sucked his cock. And that was pretty sick. No, he won a fucking Tony. He won a Tony. No shit. For "Fun Home," yeah. Oh my god. The guy-- the guy who fucking sucked my dick in college won a Tony. The girl who sucked my dick, like, she just got fired from Guitar Center. Like, oh. Oh my god. I made-- if gay's a choice, I made the wrong choice. Yeah, you can't do heroin on premises. That's right in the thing. They say that in orientation. I got to go with my instincts here. And I mean, everyone keeps on choosing the same things. But I'm putting my vote in for Court McCown. Because I'm a vegetarian. I just-- Big J, I just-- I believe in you. So I just thought-- I just thought this would-- you-- I wanted to write your name down. You just played baseball. Whiffleball at worst. Yeah. And you also used to load the whiffleball bat with wet newspaper, so you can really crank it. Ooh. Alex, all of our answers are in. Whose story is story number two? Story number two belongs to Dan Saint-Germain. No fucking way. Are you not entertained? I have come to claim my birthright. Holy shit. Wow. Holy shit. Clean sweep. Wow. We all put our votes in for different people. Dan Saint-Germain getting a perfect round. Yeah. Tell us this story, Dan. You did play stickball, you piece of shit. I did. You brought it to my face. I played it in between my house and my neighbor's house. And you know, this kid, he was like, "I'm going to play stickball." And I was like, "I'm going to play stickball." And he was like, "I'm going to play stickball." And I was like, "I'm going to play stickball." Tell us this story, Dan. You did play sick ball, you piece of shit. I did. I played it between my house and my neighbor's house. And, you know, this kid, big heart, but he was a problem, you know? He was a real problem. Just was hugging everybody and drooling. And I was just glad because I was the one who was picked on. And every time, like, a retard came around and was like, yes, I get a break, you know? Now, are you sure he was retarded? Sorry, Down syndrome. Fuck. Do you think maybe his parents buried him in a pet cemetery and he had just come back different? They buried him in a blueberry patch. Sometimes the ground is sour. But in that fact, it would be sweet. Any chance he won a Tony? No. No. Dude. Just saying. Just saying. Something about Dan's cum really lubes the pipes, you know what I mean? He goes, that guy was a fucking, that guy was a tenner. And then he became a fucking eight-octave Mariah Carey voice after St. Germain fucking. You've never sang in the key of C-U-M? God, I hate this crowd. They love you. I love you guys. Alex. Where are our points at? What a round. What a beginning to the show. Damn. After round two, in last place with zero points, Zach Zucker. Double Z. Double Z. That is true. That's consistency for sure. Tied for second place with two points each, Louis J. Gomez, Big J. Oakerson, and Court McCown. That's our show. And in first place with six points, Dan Saint-Germain. Big deal. 80 days sober, soaring. Your career is soaring in just 80 short days. Dude, this is nuts. I put Kratom in his Diet Coke. He'll be okay in a minute. Oh, man. That's a pass. And Court McCown. It's a sober coach. It's unethical. Has anyone ever finished the show with zero points all the way through? One person, Big J. Oakerson. That's pretty good. To let you know, the game's not fixed. I, one of the hosts since day one, one of the conceptual idea people from this, have gotten zero points before. I also had the closest to a perfect score. Yeah, we've had 110 games or so. Jay's only won maybe nine times. Maybe. That's pretty good. He's here every week. We're pushing double-ditch. Okay. We are. I believe in you. I think tonight's the night. Let's talk about Chubby's, one of my favorite sponsors. Just the best shorts I've ever worn. All of my bathing suits are Chubby's bathing suits. We talk about their shorts all summer long, but now I want to talk about the Fall Collection, which is built for maximum comfort and minimal effort. Just absolutely incredible, incredible fall clothes. They're NFL by Chubby's Collection as well, which is great. They have sweatshirts, comfy shorts, literally anything you want, whether you're trying to have amazing clothes to go outside and feel good, whether you're lounging on the couch, whether you're on the go, whether you're going to the gym, whether you're going to church, whether you're going to the mall, they got you covered, okay? You can be layering up for tailgates. You can be lounging through a lazy Sunday or just leaning fully into fall comfort. Right now, for a limited time, Chubby's is giving Story Warriors fans $20 off your order today with code "WARS," W-A-R-Z, at chubbiesshorts.com. Once again, that is code "WARS," W-A-R-Z, at chubbieshorts.com for $20 off your order. Show support for the show and show some respect for your thighs with Chubby's. All right, Story Warriors, let's take a quick moment and thank Factor Meals for supporting the show. Eating does not have to be overcomplicated. Factor makes chef-crafted, dietician-approved meals straight to your door. They get delivered right to you. You don't have to measure anything. You don't have to make anything. You pop it into the microwave for two minutes. This is a restaurant-quality meal. It has unrecognizable, high-quality ingredients. They don't mess around here. It's real food, ready literally in two minutes. And they have a rotating menu, so you don't have to get bored. A lot of time, these companies, they give you the same thing over and over again. Jay, you've been in the Factor Meal revolution long before I was. Before they were even a sponsor, you were using Factor Meal. Yeah, I was ground-leve Factor. There's no real love for that in the world, but I just got to keep telling people. I've been down with Factor day one. It's amazing. You know, we have no time. We're always running crazy. I work six days a week and travel to seven. So, eating good is very difficult, so this helps a ton for years now. Right now, head over to factormeals.com/wars50off. That's factormeals.com/W-A-R-Z-5-0-O-F-F. And use that code "wars50off" to get 50% off and one free breakfast item per box for one year. That's insane. While supplies last until October 31st, 2026. That is code "wars50off" at 50% off. That's factormeals.com/wars50off. See website for more details. Hey, Story Wars. Let's take a second and thank one of our amazing new sponsors over here at the show, and that is Housecall Pro. Housecall Pro is here to make sure today's work gets done without letting the next job slip through the cracks. Housecall Pro helps home service businesses, HVAC, plumbing, electrical, stay organized, keep up with customers, and win more jobs. Because when you own one of these businesses, doing great work is only one part of the job. Housecall Pro helps. Housecall Pro helps you bring all of the moving pieces together in one place. You can follow up on leads, schedule customers, dispatch teams, send estimates and invoices, and collect payments. It's the perfect way to run your home service businesses, simplify your operations, and leave yourself free to focus on the next job. On average, pros using Housecall Pro save more than eight hours per week. You know, time saved is a dollar saved, and a dollar saved is a dollar earned. Everyone knows that. Leaving you more time to actually grow the business. See for yourself why Housecall Pro saves more than eight hours per week. Housecall Pro is already trusted by more than 200,000 professionals. This is incredible. I know a lot of our fans are, you know, own businesses like this. These are blue collar dudes. This is a great service to help you do what you want to do. You don't want to deal with the online stuff. You don't want to deal with the customer stuff. You don't want to deal with any of the BS that makes running your business and the thing that you love to do annoying. That's why you have Housecall Pro. If you're ready to save time and win more jobs, right now Story Warriors are getting 50% off base plans for their first three months. And you head over to HousecallPro.com/wars with a Z. That's H-O-U-S-E-C-A-L-L-P-R-O.com/wars, W-A-R-Z, for 50% off. After you sign up, they're going to ask what you heard about them. Support the show and let them know that Story Warriors sent you. Okay, where were we? Alex, story number three. Story number three. I've never heard a girl fart in person. What? That's it? No. Well, it's not Jay. Well, here's why it's definitely not me also. I understand. I've just, I have heard a girl fart. Now, in person makes me think this person thought they are super into fart pornography. Which would be you. Which I have also, don't say it would be me. I'm into it. You're into it. I watch. You're the only person that I know that watches fart pornography. You watch fart pornography? We've all seen the video of the girls farting on their heads, right? Stop. Thank you. Yes. Yes. We've all seen it. That's internet fart. This isn't masturbation material. This is, I'm laughing at this. This is crazy. I'm laughing. I'm laughing at this. No, no, no. Here's the thing. That's only going to come across your path when you're in the regular porn masturbation world. So you stop masturbating. You're like, oh, wow, they got a fart. I'm going to watch that. God damn, they just do it. They're just farting to his face. That's crazy. All right, boner's starting to drop. Let me fucking jump back into the game. And then you get back some God-fearing regular sex porn. But I've seen lots and lots of fart pornography. But the problem is I've just also heard a girl fart in person. This is the thing. There's no way. Jay is 47, 47, 48. 48. 48 years old. There's no way in 48 years you've never heard a girl fart in person. My grandmother. Literally. Those are the loud ones. I have no idea. I mean, the fact that I would know this. This would be a weird little fucking Snapple fact about Big Jay that I would know. Do you know you still have Snapple facts on the top of the little box, Jay? That's crazy. We have the internet now. I know. Why would you ever get your information from Snapple? Do you remember a Snapple fact that sticks in your head? Yeah. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Hey, that's not true. That's not true. That's not what Snapple says. That's what it said. That's what it said on Snapple. They say that a certain percentage of them aren't true. So I think you're probably right. That's what I got. I opened up at Peach Zero the other day and it said Netanyahu's a war criminal. Yeah, true. Everybody, we have some new targets to talk to. Facts? Facts? I said facts? Zach's special just got dropped from Netflix. Literally, no one here is going to watch it anyway, so we're good. I think this could be Zach because he could have so many horns in his room that it's actually impossible for him to hear a fart. That's true. Let me say, I am an ally. Women feel comfortable around me, and if they need to fart around me, I will let them fart. They can fart whenever they want. I will not enjoy it sexually like these perverted gentlemen over here. I will cover it up normally like I would if. Well, Lewis is a real deviant because he always. I'm like, "Hey, look at this funny video of this girl taking a dump." And Lewis is like, "No, I hate you so much." It's an overreaction, which means I think he does masturbate. For sure. He's like, "Oh, don't show me that. Send me that later." Something like that. Yeah, that's what it is. You're right, Jay. I know your kind. How old are you, Zach? 16. Next year. Next year. Oh, meet my friend Kevin Spacey. You think I don't already know him? You think I haven't gone to space with that guy many times? I think Zach is. Did he win a Tony? Did he win a Tony? Dude. It was Zach. Unfortunately. It was Zach. Oh, my God, dude. It was Zach. That would be great. Fucking "Dancing Dream" was sucked off by Joseph's Technicolor dream job. Zach's younger, I think. Zach's. I've spent 33 years on this earth hearing all of my beautiful queens farting. Like Christ. Yeah. Yes. It started off pretty rough, but I think I'm on the way up. Just by numbers, there's no way courts made it 74 years without hearing a girl fart. That's insane. There's not a chance. Insane. There's not a chance, dude. The Eisenhower administration? Taft? I've heard a girl fart in the past, like, month. His sister comes over to his house just to fart. She goes, "Hey, I was holding this in all day." "Huh?" No, a girl was sleeping on my chest, and she was just sleeping, and she let one go. And then I was like, "I will never love you." Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. that's why i always keep a piano wire in my end table so i can kill them i just while they're sleeping and they go i go zach have you ever you're you say you're bisexual but they wake up they've already there's no screamings and wake they're already wake up with i won't tell your family i won't tell your family what a pig piece of shit no one will ever know no one will ever know what a pig piece of shit i'm gonna febreze the whole room i'm just shocked that anyone here has made it i just don't believe this straight up you never heard a girl fart yes how is that in person yeah how's that but how is that possible i mean by the way i haven't heard many girls for i mean if there was girls in my life just ripping them i'd fuck i've made a girl i've made a girl come eating her pussy and she farted on my chin that is the biggest emotional role that i've ever had in my life dude that's one of those 90 degree water slides yeah i'm calling bullshit on this jay never made a girl come big jay shut up i have to uh this is a fucking hard one right now this is hard can i tell you something why it freaks me out what the dot dot dot as someone who texts with me it's very me it's very me too that's our generation are you a dot dot dot all right yeah you're you're not allowed to call them but you you watch oh you can't sorry so my apology my apology they're a native native native yeah i just i'm wrong dots this one's tough so uh i mean my instinct is saying zach right now because he's a little bit younger and i just feel like i'm going by just the sheer numbers and he's also gay he's probably like ew ew he's gay he's bisexual i champion i champion my my windy queens i also if you're if you're bisexual you're used to guys farts which are louder and more vibrational than women's farts so maybe you don't your ears don't even register a female yeah being bisexual you've all you do is hear guys fart just as you're putting your dick in court i had i had the opposite court mccown court mccown has been sexy as fucking shit his whole life yeah never married right no never married i don't know maybe some long-term girlfriends here and there but i this guy has gotten a quality of ass that will never understand if it got and once before he even gets to farts when he sees her with like morning hair he's like next nope so i will say the court i was never heard a woman fart i was a cocaine addict for 35 years i've had girls shit in my house oh yeah okay yeah that's how it is farting or is it well no you can pretty much it's kind of it's kind of hard it's amazing i don't know how it works i don't want to we're trying to get the show on netflix so i will say that i don't know if you can shit without farting technically right i don't know if you can shit without farting technically right i don't know if you can shit technically right i don't know if you can shit without farting technically right i don't think so there's always a little bit if you if you put if you had like a super sensitive microphone in the bowl by the way watching people take this very seriously so i see some guys look and they go like yeah that's a fair point you look over his chick he goes it's actually true you know it's funny they call it number one number two because you never do a number two without number one so it should be called a three right well number three is a new york yankee yes man i mean you go to the same bathroom we know we get each other we get each other so much dude burger king and time square in person in person in person i mean maybe i'm thinking let me ask you a question you can lie obviously but do you lean more toward women or more toward men more towards women more towards women i know i'm such an amazing listener there's no way no way i had the reverse opposite reaction to you i i would tell like one of my exes we would always have a thing where she would say like hey i have a very important business meeting so you have to leave the house and i'm like i'm not going to i'm like oh good luck i hope i hope you seal the deal and that was when she would have to allegedly take a shit and one time she did do a fart in the middle of the night and i was like adorable and ammo for a future fight you farted on me and so that is fucking pig this is why i like blowing guys too this is court motherfucking mccowan no you're going court i'm also like you've been quiet and you're winning my yeah my my instinct says zach even though court's acting a little weird right now although dan may not have a woman to fart because he always falls asleep before them that's true it's true it's true i already locked in dan's wife is beautiful yeah but if i had to guess dan dan had some very sloppy drunken cocaine years i'm assuming dan has slept with some beasts i've hooked up with a lot of girls just a real fucking like you yes oh yeah he actually a dominican moose yes you fucked the girl in knoxville tennessee named fart she was a stripper if you could believe real wildebeest i'm going uh my instinct says zach i gotta go zach oh maybe he's younger less women half guys half girls less opportunities this is just math folks alex story number three belongs to court mccall wow wow wow wow that was good god damn you disgusting fart sniffing pigs you're right and we're proud uh you're right i have uh it's oddly enough i have never heard a girl fart in person ladies let's change that tonight let's do that tonight get out of here you gassy animal what are you gonna go blast a few fucking biscuits in the bathroom not in front of court you won't this would be actually a monumental moment if there's a woman right now that can fart on command anybody conjure one up believe in yourselves this is your moment come on man this would be great it'll change it'll change his life right now he's never heard a woman fart fart fart i'll buy you some of the girls in this room are thinking it's a good idea to fart in front of you i'm watching i'm watching their faces go i don't know put the art and fart ladies come on we'll make it classy be a part of history alex where are our points at three stories down oh i have a feeling i know who's in last in last place with zero points zach zucker fucking patriarchy in fourth place with two points lewis j gomez in third place with four points big j okerson in second place with five points court mccowan it's a dogfight and in first place with six points dan saint-germain holding strong we're in the second quarter holding strong oh my god it is still anyone's game do you guys know as gil hop hopkins digs deeper into the case he uncovers a world of ambitious actresses handsy studio executives and corrupt local news and even italian gangsters the worst kind every lead hop uncovers he exposes another layer of mysterious secrets where no one is quite who they seem goes home with somebody i need this book i need this book alex story number four story number four something about the size and shape of my pecker makes it so that when i have doggy style sex after when the woman flips over to her back along the sustained queef rings out in the room sustained it sounds like a musician okay listen to me oh my wah wah pedal the amount of commas this is fucking crazy the amount of commas in this story three i have doggy style sex comma after comma when the woman flips over to her back comma a long comma sustained queef rings out in the room that's it's just a lot of commas i don't know that all those commas are necessary it is two money four i counted wrong here's why it's and they're a back to back here's why it's that he's using a he's saying the woman has anyone else yes he's yeah he's is he if you're only you only say the woman if the man is a possibility that's great point okay oh yeah all right that's true we all knew there was no woman on the panel or you only say the woman if you're not somebody who hangs out with a lot of women and goes well i guess the woman will be flipping over now for her queefing milady please won't you ring out to the room right now look man i don't know i don't know what medieval times shit you're into i'm into medieval times farting and shit you know i'm into medieval times farting and shit you know i'm into medieval times farting and shit the woman i've uh i've i've been around ladies and i don't mind you you got it your body is your body and sometimes this stuff happens man you ever started a sentence and wish you just did not yes that did seem like that That was the situation. And I think it's him, too, because it's like he's not saying the queef is bad. He's saying it's almost like a ooga kind of sound. Ooga. Ooga, yeah, yeah. It's the ooga of pussies. But it's ooga when it comes out of that. The writing style is very similar to Quartz Boy. Yeah, so, I mean, here's the thing. I would think that this is Big Jay, right? Except the problem is his penis is too small to make a woman queef when she flips on her back. So that's why I know for a fact that this is not Jay. All right, well, let me give you a chance. No, but let me give you an answer, though, why I feel maybe this could be Louis. Please. Louis' dick ain't no bigger than mine. Not even by a millimeter. It could be slightly bigger. We don't actually know. Mine is actually probably bigger. It's been 20 years. We don't know, but we're pretty sure our dicks are exactly the same size. We're twinsies. The point is, for Louis. Only one way to prove it. Get in there, Zach. Well, I guess I will. This is why I don't think it's Louis, because she flips over on her back, and he would still be in the room. He's gone. He's gone. Like a thief in the night, yeah. I will say, also, I don't think Louis says pecker. Yeah, that's the real operative word here. I've never said pecker. I said peckerino as a joke once. I thought pecker was just that movie with the guy who fucked the pie. Oh. It was a movie called Pecker. American Pecker. I wouldn't say pecker, but, you know. I've just never seen it. But maybe it is you. I wouldn't say pecker, but this is me. Well, I can't tell now if you were just trying to make a small wiener joke about me, or if you were throwing it to me when you're like, this is you. It could actually be you. So you could eventually go, oh, yes, that's what I'm saying. Jay's dick was too small. Not like my queef maker. It's like an unsheathed sword. The queef maker comes to play. And it has to taste blood before it's put away. Holy shit. That's the Hisiroma rule. That's foretold in the scrolls. You guys don't miss. Please. Yeah. Help. We're from the same dojo. I will say this is the only reason I'm thinking this could be Jay is kind of a big Jay sort of writing style. No, I'm a semi-coen guy. Maybe. Come on now. This is too comma heavy. I just have it loose. Have you heard Jay? They say pecker. I mean, Jay is this big Jay is a master of coming up with different words for the penis. He's definitely a pedestrian. No, but I think. Well, I saw you. I'm doing this show. So I wouldn't write. If I was like my fucking boinger. Also, he just got offended when I said pedestrian. It's him. You guys can. I was I was thinking about how I could turn to Alex and be like, come on, just tell me what this one is. I need this. Well, now he's panicking. I don't I don't do the sustained queef. It sounds like a Jew, you know. Look, we'll see. You can't. I can't wait till you feel the wrath of Moses and the Maccabees tomorrow. When you made the the argument for the woman is what got me now. It makes me want to see you. But see, here's somebody. I don't think it's you. You guys don't know me yet. So I understand why you think it'd be me. But it's not. Zach says me. Zach, why do you say me? Because I just. Who do you have? It hasn't. You haven't been one yet. Yeah. OK. Yeah. Who do you have, Dan? I got I got Zach. Would you put me? I put Big Jay. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm surprised nobody else smelled Big Jay on this one. Talking about a queef, having a long, dirty story, having extra commas. We've been here before. We figured out this is one thing we figured out on this show is that we are not good at actually using fucking. I don't even know what that is. Is that punctuation? Punctuation. There we go. I was going to say I was going to say diction. I was going to say you were overuses it. I swear to God. It's not diction. It's pecker shit. See, again, they're laughing. You guys are not appreciating this. Whose story was story number four? Story number four belongs to Big Jay. Oh, wow. Goddamn. I think Big Jay fucking just moved ahead. Yeah. Audibly, pecker sounded right. And I'm not going to stop using commas because I want Alex to read it the way I thought of it. Something about the size and shape of my pecker. Go back to it. Go back. Something about the size and shape of my pecker makes it so when I have doggy style sex after when the woman flips over to her back, a long, sustained queef rings out in the room. All right. The first comma after those commas make sense. Second ones to her back, a long, sustained queef rings out. I don't think you need that. I need it to be in my voice. I would have had one more after queef. A long, sustained queef rings out in the room. Rings out in the room. Do me a favor, Alex. Take it off the screen. Bring it back with one more comma, if you wouldn't mind. We are at the halfway point of our show. Oh, I'm sorry. Hold on, Jay. Is there more to the story? That's pretty much it. But by the way, you're like, Jay's dick's too small. That's almost my thing. I feel like I fucking load him. I'm like an airsoft gun. You know what I mean? I feel like I'm syringe pumping air fucking tennis balls into their snatch. And then when they go from doggies, then they flip over and just go. And then you know what they always say? It's a queef. And I go, I got it. We know you're not shitting everywhere. I'm not farting. It's just a different kind of gross, weird thing that's happening. No, it's not a fart. Tell me it's a fart so I don't feel so bad about my fucking doink just fucking blasting air in the air. I've never hung out with you where you haven't talked about queefing once. I feel like a fucking moron. It's one of my five subjects. It's my Mount Rushmore of topics. It's like fucking realizing Bruce Willis is dead, you know? Alex, we're a point at four stories down. All right. In last place with zero points, Zach Zucker. You were good, though. Thank you. In fourth place with four points, Luis J. Gomez. In third place with five points, Court McCowan. Story warrior. In second place with six points, Dan St. Germain. Lost it. It's okay. It's okay. Don't worry about it. And in first place with seven points, Big J. Oakerson. That is young. Halftime. Where I shine. Where I shine. All right. We are at the halfway point. We're going to go around and do some plugs. Mr. St. Germain. I want to be filming my special for the New York Comedy Festival the Thursday before Skank Fest. So, go to my special that Thursday and then go to Skank Fest that Friday. November 11th, I believe. Where is that? Where are you doing it? It's going to be at the Stand West as part of the New York Comedy Festival. Sick. Amazing, dude. Yeah. Should be great. What's up? Zach? Hey. I run a variety show called Stamptown. It's like a modern day vaudevillian circus comedy variety show. It's on Netflix August 25th. And I have a different special on YouTube for my solo character called Jack Tucker. It's really fun. And if you don't like it, that's okay. But, you know, figure it out. But it's a lot of fun. It would mean a lot if you guys watched them. I felt like we met briefly, Zach, at Moon Tower. We have. When you guys had a fucking doogie. How am I drunk? Neil Patrick Harris was hanging out with you guys. We did the comedy jam together. Yeah, that was one of the best. That was the night that we actually got the special. Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, awesome. I just sang a Bruce Springsteen song. But whatever. I just sang Nickelback with Josh Edemeyers. But I'm glad it worked out good for you. Court McCown. I have a show in Nashville coming up called The Comedy Ramble. We do a monthly show. It's comedy and music together. And I got a bunch of shows just down in Nashville just kind of running around. It's all good. And I'm here tonight at 1030. All right. Big J. Oakerson. BigJComedy.com for all my days. Greatest Yapper live tour happening now. Check out the Bonfire Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Nick. Great Robert Kelly. And of course, oh no, our sign. And then, of course, Legion of Skanks, the flagship show over here at Gas Digital. And then, you know, watch the Kevin Hart roast where fucking Dan was a writer on the Kevin Hart roast. And Jay fucking crushed, if you haven't seen it. Oh, yeah. See me on the road, guys. Go to my website, lewisofskanks.com to grab tickets for all my tour dates going in, you know, all over this country. Make sure you guys check out all the other podcasts that I do, The Real Ass Podcast, The Regs, Legion of Skanks, my solo podcast that you can only get by subscribing to my mailing list at lewisofskanks.com. Make sure you buy my book, Knives and Spoons. And if you love this show, come see us open up Skank Fest. Skank Fest is happening November 13th through 15th. It's going to be the biggest and best one we've ever done. We are almost sold out of all access passes. Get them now or forever hold your peace. It's the most fun comedy festival. It's going to be so much fun. Well, it's that time. of the game we're at the halfway point we've got four stories left and zach you probably feel i'm pretty low i got you're probably feeling like what the fuck did i show up here for just to throw my eccentric hands around and yell out to an audience of unappreciative fucks no you're still very much in this game because what you may not have found out before the show is for the final four stories we go double points hell yeah they don't call me the comeback kid for nothing god damn right c-u-m thank you comes back kid don't cover it up let laugh whenever you want yeah your impulses are right c-u-m two words is there a comma in there anywhere comes on you there could be a comma come come come back come back okay um it's a pretty simple concept before if you fooled somebody you got one point per person you fooled if you guessed the right story you got two points that actually bumps up now to double points yes court no i'm just i say i'm excited i see your face here you look you look excited i am excited because it's double points yeah that is correct court mccown is a former story warrior so when that former you're always a story warrior he does have the privileges to say double points let me say this everyone really likes this except for this woman right here she hates it she's getting mad the more we do it the more we say double points the more i'm what she's an agoraphobic this is the first day she's come out of her house in years and they were like it's gonna be fine everyone's chill alex story number five this is my round story number five a family member recently confronted me about strange sounds they heard coming from my room who has a family or lives with this one's fucking hard dude this could be anyone in the room strange sounds coming from my room is anyone here married no i have a child i have a child the implication is sex but i don't think that's what that is otherwise they would say no i don't think that's what that is but you said you said your father says but you said you said your father says but you said you said your father says james hearing you plowing some fucking james hearing you plowing some fucking james hearing you plowing some fucking rando pig do you really think that you should have thought of a better story do you really think that i i better story do you really think that i i better story do you really think that i i bang random chicks loudly in front of bang random chicks loudly in front of bang random chicks loudly in front of my son to let him know who's the boss my son to let him know who's the boss my son to let him know who's the boss he's getting taller than you so you gotta he's getting taller than you so you gotta he's getting taller than you so you gotta let him know who dominates the house let him know who dominates the house let him know who dominates the house you also said your father oh you guys are you also said your father oh you guys are you also said your father oh you guys are giving somebody so many points you giving somebody so many points you giving somebody so many points you idiots idiots idiots fools curses fools curses fools curses you just wanted to let us all know you you just wanted to let us all know you you just wanted to let us all know you get dude get dude get dude this is a big commercial for your stupid this is a big commercial for your stupid this is a big commercial for your stupid little wiener that probably pumps queefs little wiener that probably pumps queefs little wiener that probably pumps queefs too too too your little queef pumper this is this is your little queef pumper this is this is your little queef pumper this is this is somebody your son heard all the queefs somebody your son heard all the queefs somebody your son heard all the queefs coming out from here this is someone who knows the game i this is someone who knows the game i this is someone who knows the game i understand the show better now i can't understand the show better now i can't understand the show better now i can't wait to come back if you let me sorry wait to come back if you let me sorry wait to come back if you let me sorry you can come on my back and i will be you can come on my back and i will be you can come on my back and i will be back sorry yes dude back sorry yes dude back sorry yes dude comebacks comebacks comebacks comebacks always welcome here i mean uh i guess this round's over very i mean uh i guess this round's over very i mean uh i guess this round's over very quickly zach is my vote quickly zach is my vote quickly zach is my vote i hope no one in my family is in my i hope no one in my family is in my i hope no one in my family is in my home home home alex alex alex guys remember where i said ask guys remember where i said ask guys remember where i said ask questions and talk a little bit so a questions and talk a little bit so a questions and talk a little bit so a round doesn't go by in one minute rounds doesn't go by in one minute literally do you remember that literally do you remember that literally do you remember that i mean you could just pretend that it's i mean you could just pretend that it's i mean you could just pretend that it's a show but anyway good alex a show but anyway good alex a show but anyway good alex alex do we very alex who's sorry it's alex do we very alex who's sorry it's alex do we very alex who's sorry it's fine but you know that the entire whole fine but you know that the entire whole fine but you know that the entire whole idea of the show is imagine that was the idea of the show is imagine that was the idea of the show is imagine that was the whole show as we all just voted whole show as we all just voted whole show as we all just voted and then that's not the whole show imagine that was the whole show you said you even said backstage you said you said you even said backstage you said sorry guys do i smell right now i was sorry guys do i smell right now i was sorry guys do i smell right now i was eating puss and i reek of it right now eating puss and i reek of it right now eating puss and i reek of it right now sorry guys dude it was crazy i just sorry guys dude it was crazy i just sorry guys dude it was crazy i just came i'm sorry i'm so late my son was came i'm sorry i'm so late my son was came i'm sorry i'm so late my son was just listening to me you showed me a sex tape backstage and you showed me a sex tape backstage and you showed me a sex tape backstage and i'll be honest it looked great okay i'll be honest it looked great okay i'll be honest it looked great okay uh alex whose story was story number uh alex whose story was story number uh alex whose story was story number five five five story number five belongs to story number five belongs to story number five belongs to lewis oh man it's just it's a game and we're oh man it's just it's a game and we're oh man it's just it's a game and we're part of it i'm just saying guys you know you could i'm just saying guys you know you could i'm just saying guys you know you could have got you also could have gotten have got you also could have gotten have got you also could have gotten there and also talked and asked there and also talked and asked there and also talked and asked questions and riffed how many ways you questions and riffed how many ways you questions and riffed how many ways you what did he hear like what specifically what did he hear like what specifically what did he hear like what specifically well what specifically did he hear all well what specifically did he hear all well what specifically did he hear all of them of them of them no yeah recently with my last no yeah recently with my last no yeah recently with my last girlfriend he he girlfriend he he girlfriend he he he didn't even tell me he told his mom on didn't even tell me he told his mom on didn't even tell me he told his mom on me me me yeah he heard you know he heard i don't yeah he heard you know he heard i don't yeah he heard you know he heard i don't know what he actually he didn't know what he actually he didn't know what he actually he didn't heard her crying he never heard somebody screaming if anyone's out there help if anyone's out there help if anyone's out there help he heard you're giving me a spot at he heard you're giving me a spot at he heard you're giving me a spot at skankfest right so i could do a podcast on your network so i could do a podcast on your network so i could do a podcast on your network if i just if i just if i just okay it's actually it's like a new okay it's actually it's like a new okay it's actually it's like a new digital show where we talk to people in digital show where we talk to people in digital show where we talk to people in the streets the streets the streets yeah i uh i try not all of you yeah i uh i try not all of you yeah i uh i try not all of you i mean i you know i've always tried to i mean i i try not all of you i mean i you know i've always tried to be quiet if my son's in the be quiet if my son's in the be quiet if my son's in the house like you know you try to do it house like you know you try to do it house like you know you try to do it quietly but quietly but quietly but you know you can't help yourself dude you know you can't help yourself dude you know you can't help yourself dude wow wow wow you know sometimes sometimes these gals you know sometimes sometimes these gals you know sometimes sometimes these gals are loud what are you gonna do are loud what are you gonna do are loud what are you gonna do louise pulls like he's up you're up louise pulls like he's up you're up louise pulls like he's up you're up there as far as thanks hot chicks that there as far as thanks hot chicks that you pulled i appreciate it i appreciate you pulled i appreciate it i appreciate you pulled i appreciate it i appreciate that then it's true and they're loud that then it's true and they're loud that then it's true and they're loud these yeah these yeah these yeah what what what that was too far that was too far that was too far my king would never silence them uh my king would never silence them uh my king would never silence them uh you know you know you know what makes your stomach hurt what makes your stomach hurt what makes your stomach hurt what loading queefs into a woman makes her what loading queefs into a woman makes her what loading queefs into a woman makes her stomach hurt stomach hurt stomach hurt i got your back alex where are points i got your back alex where are points i got your back alex where are points at at at all right all right all right tied for fourth place with four points tied for fourth place with four points tied for fourth place with four points each each each louis j gomez and zach zucker in third place with nine points court in third place with nine points court in third place with nine points court mccowan in third place with nine points court mccowan in third place with nine points court mccowan in second place with 10 points in second place with 10 points in second place with 10 points dan saint-germain still some magic on the clock baby and in first place with 11 points big jay and in first place with 11 points big jay and in first place with 11 points big jay oakerson let's go let's go let's go um hey real quick story warriors let's um hey real quick story warriors let's um hey real quick story warriors let's thank one of our awesome sponsors over thank one of our awesome sponsors over thank one of our awesome sponsors over here today's show and that is here today's show and that is ultra pouches. We have been rocking with ultra pouches for a while now. How many pouches a day do you need to feel normal? Well, if you upgrade right now to ultra pouches, you'll see what you've been missing. They're designed for mental clarity and enhanced focus. They're nicotine-free, caffeine-free, and they're packed with a blend of beneficial nootropics and vitamins. They get you clean energy, sharp focus, and long-lasting flavor anytime, anywhere. I got one in my mouth literally right now. I use the tropical ones. Those are my favorites. I also like the watermelon ones because I'm a little bit of a. That's my Afro-Latino side. They have Alpha GPC and B12, which are literally. I was taking B12 and Alpha GPC daily on my own already, so we started getting these. I was like, this is incredible. If you have any issues with your memory or overall focus, Alpha GPC is fucking life-changing. It really is. They taste great. They're super convenient. Look, pouching is just cool. 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If you're just drinking too much coffee, cut back to one cup of coffee that will make you feel good for the entire day. And that is Body Brain Coffee. And now with our Body Brain Creamer, if you want to try them both, we're doing a very special deal right now, Story Warriors. Go to bodybraincoffee.com. Use the promo code WARSGIFT, W-A-R-S-E-G-I-F-T. You're going to save 10% off on the pack of coffee and creamer. Plus, we're giving you a free gift. Whether you want the Body Brain Coffee mug or the Body Brain Coffee frother, you can choose one or the other absolutely free with the promo code WARSGIFT, W-A-R-S-E-G-I-F-T, at bodybraincoffee.com. All right, where were we? Truly anybody's game, so probably not mine. Alex, story number six. Story number six. One time I came so hard it made a splat. My son heard. I was fucking four women at once. "I'm coming," like, he actually says it when it happens. "Ah, ooh, gah!" "Son, come look upon your father." Louis' father is God of War style. "Come here, son, watch me ravage a woman and show her what a man is." "This is how you were born." "I'm a woman, I'm a woman, I'm a woman." "I'm a woman, I'm a woman, I'm a woman." Story number six. I made a sound like a woman shrieking at the opera on a bumpy flight. Someone sitting next to me had to take their hand off of their girlfriend's hand and put it on mine. I'll say that sounds like me, but no. There's no onomatopoeias in here, but I do feel like there's a lot of them. But I do feel like this could be Zack. Yeah, there's no commas, there's two periods. It's very theatrical, which feels like it could be Zack. Like the opera shit. Shrieking. And look, to me, I love how I've been painted. I enjoy that. I feel like I'm regarded as someone who appreciates culture, like opera and shrieking. Yes, you're very loquacious. Shriek 2 is my favorite movie. It'll eventually start to make you laugh. It's infectious! I think this could be Dan. I could see Dan shrieking, probably sleeping after a really late night of drinking before he got sober. I don't know. Dude, if I was fucking drunk, I would be fine. Yeah, that's when you start just giggling to death. This is it. This is how it's going to happen. I always knew it was going to happen like this. And listen to Dan's voice. Dan can't shriek. Dan's got an old growl. That's him shrieking. Yeah, there's no shriek coming out of Dan. I couldn't imagine. Who's got falsetto here? Who can hit those high notes? I can't at all. I'll try right now. That's me trying to. Hit the last note, don't stop believing. What'd you say? How does it go? The last note. It's Lewis. Lock it in. Please, lock it in. I can't shriek. I have a vocal node, and so I also can't hit them high notes. Doth protest too much? Yeah. Ooh, ah, ah, ah. It's not great. That was my worst. That was pretty good. Okay, Mariah. Whatever. Maybe I'm just trying to throw you off that scent. Yeah, I don't know. These subjects are tough, because these are very general. They're not like. I mean, anyone could shriek, but at an opera? No. I think it's fucking Zach. You know? Yeah. Nobody's putting that on. You know? Yeah, nobody's putting. Like, look. Nobody's putting their hands on my hand or Big Jay's hand. We have like. Not taking it off their girlfriend to console me. Like, "Pull it together, you fat shit." Yeah. And also, can you move over? My fucking girlfriend's squished and freaking out. So, if everyone votes me and it's not me, do I get points? Because I'm about to rack up eight points otherwise. No. Damn it. No. Come on, Jay. Let me have it. It's my boy's birthday. Yeah. Dan St. Germain, I think, just got a lot of points. Look at his face. He looks like he's trying to contain the happiest face I've ever seen. Oh, shit. He's so happy. You've studied me well, Professor Gomez. He's bright red in the face right now. He's like a young Santa Claus, jolly. Even though we're all locked in, he doesn't believe it until Alex says it. I feel like we're about to watch the 16-seat upset of one seat right now, and I'm just coming home with the victory. number six belongs to Dan St. John. You were right. You were right. This guy knows it. Sobriety has turned your life 180 degrees. I had a feeling. This was the last test. You know, Gomez got it right. He should have studied me a little bit earlier on. And very nice work, Zach. You gave a tell. What was the tell? It was right away when it happened. You laughed and I hadn't heard you do that at all to any of the other ones. Oh, that's not true. Not like that. No, you're right. I did. I was overcompensating. I heard it. I felt it. After that Tony night, me, you, and the choreographer. That was magical. Wouldn't it be great if he blew you after the Tony? I'm still figuring out the whole fucking iPad of it all soon. That's right. Alex, where are our points at? All right. In last place with four points, Luis J. Gomez. That's right. Yo, he stays getting pussy, though. I'm going to come back late in the game. Yo. That's awesome. In fourth place with eight points, Zach Zucker. We're climbing. It's coming back. He's coming back. In third place with nine points, Court McCowan. I'm eating it. It's not good. Not good. Third is not winning. In second place with 11 points, Big Jay Oakerson. And in first place with 16 points, Dan St. Germain. That's a big jump. That's a big jump. Two more stories. Still technically anyone's game. Still truly anybody's game right now. Dan St. Germain jumps very far ahead. This could be his night. Two more stories. Alex, story number seven. Story number seven. My friend is a professional sounding artist. The art of putting things in your penis. And I have lit his cock on fire multiple times. I mean, I'm sorry. This is a short fucking round. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just let's listen to Lewis. Let's ask some questions. Let's just ask some questions. I feel like when you get out of here, like seven dwarfs are going to come out. Whoever this friend is, if it was me or Lewis, would be the third Mike on Legion of Skanks. Yeah, exactly. Well, let's just ask around. Does anyone, what does sounding even mean? What? Well, there's a parenthesis that explains it. It's the art of putting things in your penis. Me thinks maybe it could be you. I do love parenthesis. I mean, the art of putting something in your penis, that sounds horrific. It's tough to watch, allegedly. I gotta tell you, I also didn't know you can go pro at it. If I were, okay, look, from what I've heard from people who have told me about this stuff, he's famous for having a horse cock. It's huge. And it's, whatever you're thinking, bigger than that. Zach. Allegedly. Zach, play the fucking game for the love of. You're going to have to tell the story eventually. Well, I don't have to tell it because it's not my story to tell. Okay, Jesus Christ, this round's. Yeah, that really fooled Dan over there. It's weird. I don't have Zach as an option on mine. Why can't I. Hmm. Who to pick? Who to pick? Hmm. I guess I could kind of just. I'm kind of like non-violently protesting right now by not putting the answer in. Is the friend Neil Patrick Harris? No, it's not Neil. But Neil knows this guy, allegedly, if I know. If it is my story. And he whipped a rose. You know what? I'm just going to. Fuck it. It's probably court. Court, too. Yeah, just pick court. Yeah, why not? It's probably court. By the way, if it's not Zach, it's always court. I'll tell you that much. Could you imagine if it wasn't me, though? Yeah, that would be amazing. Keep in mind, everybody, this is a comedy show first. And it's a show for friendship, second. Yeah, there's no governing gaming commission. I think it's fine. But if there was, I'd be pissed off right now. Also, if there was, for sure, we would be brought up on fuck. We'd have to speak in front of the council. Yeah, I mean, we would. I think there's like a federal crime, which you just did. I believe what happened is. By gaming rules, right? Yeah, a film called Quiz Show, I believe. Yes, yes. Which you just did. Breaks federal crime. If this was a real game. And I won't be a part of that hand turkey. Alex, whose story was story number seven? Story number seven belongs to Zach Zucker Are you kidding me? Really? I didn't even write this This show's rigged This is AI, dude This is fucking AI I would never write like that Professional, so he does a show He is, shout out my boy Marshall The fire marshal Exactly, yes It's Joe Rogan's golden retriever He lit his dick on fire Do his piss streams come out like big, like a fountain soda? I have so many questions for him that I've not asked him yet Why? He's your friend He is, but I don't want it to be I like to be able to balance the friendship and cock of it all Yeah, but how many fucking how's your moms before you get to the fucking do you piss like milkshake I guess I've still got like three or four more to go Okay, that's fair He's a fantastic whips, fire and boy-lesque performer and he has a monstrous hog and he does a character called Throb the Builder where it's one of the best acts ever where he comes out to He's a racist? Yes, very, very much It's a Chud the Builder parody He just calls people the N-word with his dick It's a very upsetting routine He's drawn a lot of eyes for the wrong reasons Yeah When you're locked in, you're locked in When you're in, when you're in I'm a patron He then takes There's a few versions of it but he takes a drill bit He does blockhead where he like blockheads his nose and then he does he tapes caution tape like a hula skirt to himself or sorry, he staples it and then he takes out a drill bit and drills into his penis and yes Fuck you I don't judge how you feed your family Yeah He's a professional And Fuck you Fuck you The way that you guys Wow, sorry about that Wow, sorry you're getting all this judgment It makes sense coming from the Nazi corner Yeah His name's Throb the Builder His name was Throb the Builder His name was Throb the Builder Oh man And so the way that you guys are all feeling that That is what It's a real awful phantom pain into your guts when you think of this Yeah, almost Get him out of here No, I'm kidding That crosses the line How dare you That was worse than the Nazis It's a goddamn It's a fucking free-for-all in here But yeah, and then I've taken an angle grinder to a wrench and shot sparks onto it and lit it on fire before Sorry, do you guys not have male friendships in your life? This is Oh, we're in a male friendship This is like how the puppet from Saw comes You've seen that video also? Yeah, yeah After scrolling the farting videos After scrolling the farting videos The fart stuff runs out There's not a lot of daily updates I don't really I feel like Zach's stories don't have beginnings, middles, or ends It's just a whirlwind of fucking chaos But every one of those stories has had that awooga in it Yeah, they were great Which is pretty dope Pretty dope Alex, where are our points at? Seven stories down Okay Tied for fourth place with eight points each Louis J. Gomez and Zach Zuckerberg How is that possible? Because Big J bent me over in front of everybody like a fucking asshole What are you talking about, dude? Fuck you, dude You fucked my game up Go ahead, Alex Shut up, dude This is a big night You found out if you suck off DSG you might win a fucking Tony It's true Something about that fucking cum just lubes your throat with a glitter voice Yeah, yeah It's a nice cum Careful, he's a truck stop whore Alex Before you blew Dan St. Germain Now you sound like fucking Adele I spit up a little there Like he did All right Alex In third place That was an opera voice With 13 points Court McCowan Middle of the pack Middle of the pack We can do this We can still do this We can still do this In second place with 15 points Big J. Oakerson They're booing Big J. now What's going on with this audience is crazy Tides have turned And in first place with 20 points Dan St. Germain So if you guys don't know right now Me and Zach We can't win the game right now Court, Big J are all within striking distance But we can play Giant Killers right now I'm ready to fucking strike Because one of us is going to get to take home The song is you Which is inspired by one of Hollywood's Most enduring unsolved disappearances The song is you blends fact with fiction To talk about the real life tragic disappearance Of 26 year old actress Jean Spangler It reveals a world of blackmail Where some will do anything to protect their power Reputation And dark secrets The song is you Good The song is you It's our final story It's anybody's book Alex, story number eight Story number eight While on a vacation I heard a couple having sex In the room next to me I thought it was so hot Until the next day I realized it was my parents So fucking awesome Fuck I don't know Just because I'm promiscuous Doesn't mean I'm trying to fuck my parents, alright? That is different This is actually my son's story I told him not to submit today But here he goes Son of a bitch, you guys have Alex's email This is why Louis does this It's what his parents did to him You know? The cycle of abuse continues Hurt people hurt people That is for sure It's fucking J or court And I'm not sure I got that Let me tell you why it's not me I shouldn't because you're winning But uh My I guess I did it one time We didn't go on vacations And the only family vacation we ever took Was me and my stepfather My mom And my baby brother Because my parents did this by themselves first They went to a A hotel that was attached to a hotel A shopping mall in Baltimore And we were broke So they came home about this vacation They were like You can order movies in the room They bring food to the room Room service And so they were like We gotta go back for a family vacation And then all four of us Stayed in one room in Baltimore The whole thing was Their whole selling point was That it's what every normal hotel has A shopping mall attached, yes They were pretty stoked They were pretty stoked They were pretty stoked They were pretty stoked We had no money to shop But they were excited It was crazy But that was our only ever Family vacation in my entire life So if they were having sex They were doing it next to me in the room While me and my baby brother That is actually the big telling point right there Because a separate room Means a fairly well-to-do family I had a couple family vacations When I was a kid My dad died when I was four years old But it was like we went to Wrestlemania When I was 11 years old We had like a shitty motel room We were never getting separate rooms Court, I don't know you that well But I get you come from fucking Keshola That's what I'm feeling And this is at a time Oh yeah, the Beverly Hills McCowns The Beverly Hills If Lewis's dad died at four There's no way he thought it was hot Court is short for a quarter million dollars God damn right That was his monthly allowance Nothing from the Nazi corner Come on Nazis This is great I'd hate to see a Jew get a head My mom was married and divorced four times Before I was 16 years old So we didn't do family vacations We had stepfathers that would take my mom Yeah they would Yeah they would Huh? What? Nothing, I was calling your mom a slut I feel bad now that you put me on the spot No but we didn't do family vacations So it was like I gotta say I'm thinking either Zach Or Dan's pulling another fucking fast one off It could be Dan It could be Dan Your parents still together? They Yeah there we go There we go There we go It's a simple It's a simple Yeah Your mom passed My mom's passed But they were together till she passed So hold on Is that a hard answer then? No they didn't They split up You know Some time ago Ten years ago When you were how old? When you were how old? I was 30-ish Oh so okay Alright Did you guys do family vacations When you were a kid? Yeah Yeah Separate room Maybe a separate room For mom and dad Most of the time the same room Most of the time the same room But a couple times a separate room Most of the time Most of the time Huh? What? It's court or Dan Yeah It could be Dan now Here's the thing Court could be playing the game right now And he could be lying Oh 100% He could just Straight up just lie I'm telling you right now This fucking guy Is not gonna win god damn it Cause it's him I'm telling you You think it's Dan St. Germain I think it's Dan St. Germain Could be Well the main thing is Is you probably - When do you start getting aroused from sex and stuff? - I mean, I've been aroused again can i say oh yeah the four dots says something to me there's four dots it's good structure by the way jay jay five minutes ago was like it's just it's it's just that the game doesn't matter but you're so locked in on this game right now jay admit that you really want to win this game right now it'd be nice for the night i came out of the house you know what i mean let's take something home um this is good i'm like i can't win i'm just a fan watching this all go down this is great this is fucking compelling i get why you guys love the show how fun is this you're saying it's court in the back i think it's court this guy didn't even know what the show was before he got here no yes miss chinese star this motherfucker this is what a show what a show you this is down this is down uh you know dan i'm stay i'm stay i'm sticking with jay i thought he the way he delivered that there was like three different like cadences i think he was covered i mean i should i even give my like it doesn't matter i can't i mean i look at my opinion i don't think it's jay should i play well no i don't want to ruin it i i think that i don't think it's jay um because i think it's jay's parents split up when he was very young he doesn't like that jay doesn't have memories of going on vacations with his family that wasn't like he wasn't and he wasn't getting aroused at that time listening to people have sex oh when did they already locked my my parents when i was three my stepdad came when i was 11 my i mean i already locked my fucking screen but you made some good points i'm telling you right now it's too switch it up shit no i feel like i had to stay i locked it i would break the game but that lewis has made me think twice now i'm i'm gonna go with look it doesn't matter for me but i'm gonna go with dan that's who i truly think it is i think it's dan i don't want to fuck your game up dan but i'm just gonna go i'm going dan this is a frustrating no one thought it was me at all which is upsetting just from like an ego standpoint um i think i lost so you know what fuck it i'm voting for lewis here we go when in doubt vote for lewis it's worked for jay exactly nine times oh you took my online course of course all of our answers are in answers all over the place everyone's voting for somebody different here alex whose story was story number eight story number eight belongs to court mccowan i do it i should not have fucking wow damn it good eye on big j okerson big j hey even before i hear the story why why do you think court we didn't even know you didn't really give an opinion it was i picture i'm just picturing people i don't know here maybe dan's family went on vacation a couple of times i don't think his parents i don't know what they look like at all but i'm just picturing they don't make hot sex sounds no it's a lot of yeah yeah like grunting back soreness it's a lot of yeah just slabbing and yelling out what's falling asleep ah something's my elbows asleep i think it's you know it's kind of fun right now because i really know the story but it's funny there's like four or five people that left like like at the end of a basketball game they're beating the traffic out of the oh they're gonna go they're all gonna go fucking do coke in the bathroom um i i just i had a strong feeling this wasn't you again it was just like just knowing like your family background i knew it wasn't my son and then uh zach i thought i could have been zach possibly but i also uh picture again for sure i'm just looking at the product and i'm saying courts you got some fucking parents probably you gotta have yeah i mean your dad shot deep and true to make a man that handsome so i'm saying your parents had fucking hot sex dude that's a good point i feel like you're point i feel like your dad was like a hand on his own like hip guy when he fucked i'm gonna rub one out tonight thinking of your fucking parents i bet your dad had bikini underwear tan lines on his fucking perfect i'll send you a picture of my mom just so you can have a i bet she's hot i know she's hot i know she's all right so tell us what happened here where we're on vacation we went we went to palm springs when i was like 12 years old it was her second husband not not my dad and it was hot it was hot and but we stayed in this we stayed in this weird hotel so we could like our parents put us in the room me and my brother in the room and we and they just put us in there and go you guys don't leave the room whatever and then they went into the then we didn't know where they went and all of a sudden i could we could hear me i'm breaking these people fucking in the next room and we're like holy shit and i was like and i was young but i was like that's fucking hot man and the next day my mom calls and she goes come out come outside you know i had like the little balconies we walked outside and they were right fucking next door and i was like and i never looked at my mom the same way that why because she's a whore what what a whore yeah she loved it your mom can take it she was having a great time dude court that's crazy can i find her on instagram or she on the ground she's she's 86 right up your alley she's not gonna 86 me from that bedroom i'll tell you there dan's a pleaser uh let's make it fun let's make it official i think i know who won but alex give us our final scores all right tied for fourth place with eight points each lewis j gomez and zach zucker i knew it i knew it really got it really got butt fucked in this game but it's okay it's we're not we're gonna move on it gets easier next week next week i always heard if you breathe in if you breathe out while it's going in just breathe it goes it's a lot of sharp it's mostly breathing i it's mostly breathing sorry alex go we also have a tie for second place with 19 points each and your winner tonight with 20 points dan saint germain oh oh oh 80 days sober oh finally finally thank you bill w double points proof positive it does get better yes one day at a time all right who's buying me a drink yeah it's time to get back on the horse that was that was playing the long game with you fucking suckers holy shit everybody one more time for dan saint germain your newest story warrior you a big round of applause for our entire panel court mccown zach zucker your newest story warrior dan saint germain thank you guys so much for being here for story wars i'm big j okerson i'm lewis j gomez until next time peace We'll see you next time.