Zach Galifianakis Returns Again

Hi, my name is Zach Gallifinakis and I feel Zach Gallifinakis about being Conan O'Brien's friend. I have to say I feel up Zach Gallifinakis. You don't seem up books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend joined by Sonom of Sassian. Hi and wow let's pump it up a little bit. I wish you were a voice on Siri and you're just like, hey no one would be no follow-ups for Siri. What else can I help you with? Forget it Siri and David Hopping you're a cheery chap. Hello. Good to see you. You too. Sonnet, you asked me to do a lot of favors and I'm gonna talk about this. What? Yeah you do. You asked me to do a lot of favors. It's, can you do this for me? Can you do that for me? You know it's Armenian this week and it's Armenian that week. Can you do a thing for me? And it's sometimes I want you to know that it's a little much. You take advantage. Can you do a blurb for my book? Can you also write an intro, then an outro? I mean what's going on? Do you see me and just see a doormat? Is that what you see? Hey what if I get you a doormat and instead of saying welcome it's just my face because you walk all over it all the time anyway. That's so unfair. I'm so mad. I hate asking you for favors. I know because you don't hate it that much. I'm sorry. How could you hate it that much? I'm tackling so hard about it. I hate building a mess. How many times do I tell you Conan agreed to do something for me? Hey guess what? I'm an owl saying I hate hooting. I sure hate it. 23 hours later. I sure hate it. I mean that's my impression. If you were an owl and asking a favor was hooting you'd be hooting a lot. It's good for you to explain it. There's so many things people ask me to ask you that I specifically say you filter stuff out. Yeah. How could there be more? What are you talking about? Do you know how much stuff? First of all it's your fault because you made me you put me on this podcast. People know who I am now. I'm attached to you for the rest of your life until you die and so please that's not for months. Oh come on but it's it comes with I'm sorry you did it it's it's your it's you it's your fault. Your speech champion. Yeah. Come on. Listen. I listen. I don't begrudge you anything. Yes you do. Of course I do. I just made it the front of the show. Yes. It's a lot and David. Do I do a lot of favors for people? You do a lot of favors for everybody. Not just Sona. Yeah. Yeah. What the fuck David? I don't know. That's for that many favors. You do favors for everyone. You do favors. Raise your hand or don't it's ever done a favor for you. Yeah. The only I actually never when your Aquaman figurine got stolen from your apartment. You asked me to put up posters and I did. I never then when your Ironman got stolen I put up posters for that. That's right. He offered. Then when you're several hundred of your other figurines were stolen you asked me to call the police for you and I did. That's right. It was very nice. I was just saying I never asked for favors but I know that you would help me out. The only favor I've ever asked you for is when you were in my short film and you did it and he was so don't say I you never asked me for. Yeah. But that was but in 25 years I've asked you for one thing. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. To be in a movie you made that's a big favor. When you I'm just saying you can't start by saying I never asked for favors except for that one time when you did me a huge favor. I'm trying to help you in your argument with Sona. Why are you attacking me? Because when I see you I see red. Yeah. You're like oh I'm a I'm a bowl and you're a giant red blankie that's flopping around in the wind. You do a lot of favors for everybody and there I don't know that you've ever asked any of us for a favor. You know basket robins I famously I think had 38 flavors. I think I do more than 38 flavors a day. Our whole job our whole job was doing stuff for you. That's our whole job. You can pay for that. I know. I got you your lunch today. I ordered you a leave. Can we talk about that? Yeah. Yeah. Hey if people know out there that I occasionally take a leave. I don't know what you like to keep secret. No that's a secret. I think we vote. No one must now have my leave. You know I that's why I always when I throw out my leave bottles I always I always try to throw them out and someone else's trash can because no one can know that I occasionally have some muscle stiffness. I don't have time for this bit. I'm angry right now. I'm so mad right now. Are you are you done with the relief thing right now because I want to address this accusation. I'll leave it for now. Home run. Okay wait a minute. There's too much to unpack here as the kids say these days. I hate that saying but my wife uses it all the time. We and sometimes she says it while we're unpacking on the trip and then I think okay whatever. Anyway let's revisit this later on on the show and get to our next guest. Okay. My guest today is a very funny actor and comedian who starred in the hangover movies. Now you can see him in the new AMC series The Audacity and he has a new gardening show called this is a gardening show. How does he come up with these names? He's truly one of the funniest people I know. Zach Elefineck is welcome. When I walk into a room I'm used to people. I mean even pretty big stars are like whoa it's him you know and then I walked in today and you your heart beats like one beat every two hours. You were just sitting there totally unimpressed that Conor Brian had walked into the room. What would you like one to do when you have no seems insincere. Whoa look at that guy. So good to see you. Yes that's the real me. Well I mean we go way back. I've known you for many years in a show biz way. Early early days you used to come on my show and you were always hilarious and don't look at your watch. What the fuck was that? It time is moving slow. So we can cut this short. I was trying to compliment him about how funny he was and this is before America had Zach Gellifineckis fever. This is back when they had Conan fever and I lent some of my fever to Zach Gellifineckis and then America had the very contagious Zach Gellifineckis fever. Yeah I like to call it sizzle. I still have a sizzle. You sizzled and sizzled all the way to the late 90s 2000s. Did you guys get my sizzle reel? I sent it over. We got your sizzle reel. The past tense of sizzle. You sizzled back in the day. You used to sizzle. In the early 2000s no one's sizzled like you. You're not going to like this but I adore you. I think you're a wonderful fellow. One of my favorite comedy pieces of work is your work on between two ferns. I think it's absolutely hysterical and endures and I resent you for that. Why are you resentful? It does seem I know you joke about it but I do think there's a ting. Oh it's all real. Yeah I do think there is it terribly because you are very funny and you are but but also is it my height? Is that what you is that what you wish you were more like me? I do. I wish I was closer to the my size of my head is that what you wish you had parking made her head parking meter body whatever this is. Do you get what you're upset about? You go try and put time in your head so that they can keep their car there a little longer. So what happens? I wish you had a seven syllable last name. I do. No you are very funny. You're one of the funniest people I know and yet you seem grounded and I don't know how to do that. I mean this guy he is of the earth. Yeah he seems like he's got it all together. He seems like he emotionally wants for nothing. That doesn't seem fair. I mean yeah I get some chops but but I'm constantly racked with these roiling season podcasts turn into like a one-man show. Like the light should shift. We don't need you to talk during this part. In fact you don't have to be here for this. You're just here to get it started and then I do the rest. Have you listened to the podcast? It's pretty much me, Yammer and Yammer. I mean really it is you're really taking the floor here. Yeah I am but I appreciate all that stuff. I don't know if it's true or not but I grounded is a good is an interesting word. I'll be serious for a second and then we'll go back to my one-man show. You are hilariously funny and then very I'm hurt pressed to think of anybody who's been less altered by success. You just seem like if all of it went away tomorrow you'd be very happy and contained doing whatever you're doing and I love that about you. I think that second part is correct. I think I feel I am one of these people that feels very fortunate to be working and but the first part about like having success or whatever being known that threw me for that really messed me up. Not in a what was me but I just no one ever asked me any questions until I was in a movie with a monkey. So I just I found that to be odd that switch and I was older and I think I just the BS of this this business or whatever is it's always been laughable to from a small town I have it I think I have a chip on my shoulder when I moved here and I don't know I think that's kind of healthy but it affected me for a while and I feel kind of embarrassed by it actually but yeah but I remember it the height of hangover mania I was went to some event someplace and there a bunch of it might have been like on a Hollywood Boulevard or I had to go into some event and there were all these people outside the venue there was like a spider man and there was a Superman whatever a Batman and there was a guy who I thought it was you for a second and I thought oh there's Zach I'll say hi and then I realized it's not you it's a Zach Gallifinakis impersonator with a fake baby and a baby Bjorn from the do come true don't think from the from the movie and it's so I had a moment that you thought maybe that was me in the outfit that from the movie I can't tell you something I didn't clock the outfit right away I just saw out of the corner my and by the way you were known to promote that movie very hard but and all the sequels but no I just had a moment of thinking because I know you I know that that would have bummed you out to your court that one of yeah yeah but let you know what's interesting as a I wanted to do this experiment once and I had the wardrobe this was many years after we did the hangover movies I had the wardrobe sent to me because I was in Vegas and I wanted it to look like how pathetic it was that the actor got into his outfit and was trying to get recognized and I did it but no one came up it was so embarrassed it was no one did it the experiment failed but uh yeah the the the hangover was big that was a big change right and but I do think it's good for people to hear from you that because and we talk about this a lot on the pod but are you too busy to say podcast I am yeah you should do a doc about that I don't know of the tie to do it I I'm fascinated by this idea that there's a lot of envy about surrounding this crazy weird business and people thinking oh my God is that would all your dreams would come true and what I found is that it's a magnifying lens it just magnifies things so if you're insecure you'll become more insecure if you tend to be angry you'll become a major holic if you are someone who's capable of feeling gratitude and appreciate the people around you those things can be enhanced but but I do think there's old you know maybe so that's a good way of looking at it yeah but I was I was angry about it to be honest but I was intimidated by it because I thought as a comedian to not be able to observe because you had too many distractions of trying to hide or whatever you know it intimidated me and I got weirded out by it but now that I'm old like none of it matters and then you know who cares but it's uh it was a change it was a change yeah I've always tried to picture because I know that your success didn't happen right away and I knew you for a bunch of years where you'd come on our show uh and be really funny um but the whole thing hadn't quite jelder clicked yet uh and then I was this bus boy at a strip joint till I was 28 yes I was gonna get to that yeah you were you were I was and I try to picture you in these real jobs in these I hope so we're with my briefcase yeah I do think that's a real job going to work honey no but I had nowhere like a cumberbund it was like a fancy and it was a strip joint yeah uh on park uh you were in New York probably at this time it was called string fellows yes so I worked I had a table there yeah I never saw you come in thank goodness um no I I was it was it was and and the guy that I moved to New York New York with who we went to college together he was the cashier at the strip joint and he ended up being Jimmy Fallon's head writer right 80 miles if you know 80 miles so all the best headwriters come from um school yeah and then we're and well I'm curious because I'm trying to picture you in a situation where you have the comedy mind that you have but you're doing a job like that you're uh you know you're working at a strip club we see you were a bus boy bus boy bus boy she'll ring a cumberbund and it had a crumbour do you know what a crumbour is no it's a little metal stick that you take out of your pocket and you get the crumbs off the tee for uh Wilk Chamberlain if Wilk Chamberlain had gone I think it would I think he came came in a lot maybe it was another seven foot two legend his name was Wilk Chamberlain he was seven feet two inches tall but it wasn't that Wilk Chamberlain yeah this guy was an accountant yeah and a very good one so um were you funny at that job and I bring it up because I know that when I did jobs that weren't comedy related early on I was deadly serious to the point where when they found out later on oh I just got a job writing I'm leaving they said how you there's no way you're a comedy writer uh because I was just dead serious never made a joke just did my work that makes sense I think it comes with maybe being depressed I don't know what was your situation I uh the strippers uh were not nice to me at all I was really intimidating the men and that went in there were not the men that I would want to hang out with anyway so uh it was a weird situation I don't remember trying to be funny I'm sure with the others with miles that was working there my I'll tell a story I think I've told this story hopefully not here before but um it's a fractured media no one's heard it go ahead and no one will uh but miles and I miles and I were getting ready for work there was a snowstorm in New York it was a blizzard I'll never forget and it was in the mid 90s and I'm putting my cumber button on miles had just lost a thousand dollars from the register it's it's mafia owned or was I think and um so he was so worried he's had to go in and face the music he lost this lost it he wouldn't have taken it he lost it so I'm putting my cumber button on and as I'm looking over I lived in his closet and I look up and miles this tying issue and he says to himself didn't want me to hear it knowing he had to go face the music this is worse than Bosnia Bosnia was going on at the time yeah and that's what he compared and I'll never forget how wrong he's not wrong that owing string fellows a thousand dollars is worse than anything that happened in Bosnia if you know that the mafia may have and then what happened I think what happened we go to work and the feds came in they closed it down that day and that was it a mysterious tip call came in yes from a bus boy yeah that's friendship yeah but uh what no I was I was very serious at that job I think yeah we shot a bit once in Houston at like two in the morning at a strip club we'll be right back with the world's worst braggar yeah we were there to shoot some piece and so I'm there I think we were just trying to figure out because my show in Houston at the time this is like 1995 96 aired at like three in the morning so I went to places at three in the morning to figure out if I could see anybody watching our show and and who's up and watching TV at three in the morning and that it ended up being very funny I went to a bus station I went to an emergency room and I went to a strip club and you walk in and you see these beautiful naked women and you know just my my head turned into a jukebox cartoon where all the cherries come up it's like ding ding ding ding ding ding and coins came out my mouth I was like like all the cartoon stuff like steam coming out of the ears I can't believe it within 15 minutes we had a problem with the camera and I'm we're trying to figure it out and this completely naked beautiful woman who would have been my fantasy of every way of 16 completely naked not wearing a stitch of clothing comes up and starts to talk to me and I'm like I'm sorry can you just give us some room uh well I got it we we got an issue with this camera and I kind of asked you mean who me and you and your balls no no me and I am not that polite to my to my balls imagine you were there by yourself these if can you give us some room yeah and pardon me testicles uh no I have a very uh different relationship with my testicles but I know I was remembered being kind of irritated like can't she step back we're trying to fix this lens and I was realizing that oh my god you get endures you get used to this right away like you're in there for 10 minutes and suddenly it's like come on naked gorgeous woman can you give me a break we need to get this shot and behind the scenes there's nothing like the women are talking about how much they hate the men that they have to like they they you know so it's not it's not thrilling backstage it's a whole different scene so that's where cuz strippers love me they just love me oh huh yeah what I just I think I'm the one guy that when I go into strip club they're just like wow I love him Conan when is the last time you've been in a strip club 1969 right I was six years old right I was conceived at one We won't go further into that story. You know what I didn't know, why did I not know that you were at Silent Live, you worked at Silent Live for that two week, don't they do a two week trial thing sometimes? They do. I don't know, that's not how I came in, but I remembered thinking that we were on a two week trial, my writing partner Greg Daniels, and I thinking that was a two week trial. But then later on, someone said, no, you weren't a two week trial, but you were a two week trial. Honestly, when I got there, I thought I thought I got hired as a cast member, honestly, because I had already auditioned twice. And I was told you're going to go and be a feature person, and I said, great, and I got there. And they said, no, you're actually going to write, which either way, it didn't matter to me. I was just so thrilled that I had that opportunity. It was, it was a tough two weeks, yeah. Because the table reads, I think even if you're, you know, no people there, the table reads can be kind of brutal. I just remember, I wrote a sketch, and it was, you could only hear the air conditioner in the room. Yeah. I mean, I've been like that on stage, you know, so I'm kind of used to it, but there it was just, and I remember, for some reason, I was sitting next to Tina Fey, and I just remember her patting my shoulder in a very calm, not even in, not in a sarcastic way. It was really calming, and I'll never forget that. It was actually met a lot to me, but it was rough, but I was thrilled to be there. But you don't know what you're doing when you get there, right? It takes a second to figure it out, and it's not, so many shows I've worked on since, and I, you know, obviously loved my time at SNL and was so formative for me, but I've very much liked working in late night all those years because it felt like we were all working together a little more. You know, there's so much show to fill. There's, for years, it was, you know, five hours a week, you've got to fill. There's no elbowing for room or real estate. Do you know what I mean? There's just, if someone has a good idea, everyone's like, "Oh my God, that's great, let's do it." No one's, I don't know, that's a really funny idea, but I'm not going to laugh because, and that's, so SNL definitely much more competitive. I don't know if it's like that as much anymore, because when I went back to host, I noticed, "Oh, it seemed much more loose and friendly," or not that it wasn't friendly at the beginning when I was there for writing, but, yeah, it was an honor to do it. I didn't have any bad feelings about it, except for, you know, the tumbleweeds going across the writer's room. Yeah. And that feeling of, when you put a sketch in, if it's not working, it read through, you can see everybody flipping to see how many pages this is. So, you'll have that moment, I'm supposed to do that, I'll do that all the time at table. No. I'm always like, "Do I have any more parts to this?" Scanning for my name. You're bringing in something that popped in my head, and I don't know if you and I've ever talked about this connection, and maybe he doesn't want us to, but Tommy Blacher wrote on Conan, right? Yeah. Tommy. One of my favorite writers of all time. Yeah. I think he happens to be the funniest person I think I've ever met, like he's that funny. And I knew that he left your show to go right for a professional wrestling, right? Yes. He worked with us back in the '90s, and I knew him through Andy Richter from Chicago, and he brought, and for a while Tommy didn't say anything, and he was super quiet. And I just thought, "Well, I wonder if this guy's going to work out, I don't know." And then he revealed himself in the writer's room, and on paper to be the funniest guy. I gave him a shout out on Stern once, because I was on Stern, and Stern was kind of talking to me about. So, you must just hire, like, Harvard-Lampoon guys, and I said, "No." It was like an army guy. Yeah. I said, "One of the funniest guys I've ever, one of the funniest writers I've ever known, I don't think went to college." Are you talking about Tommy? And I was talking about Tommy. And he said, "Who is that?" And I said, "Tommy Blatcha." So, he really brilliantly funny guy. He's on a level that I, I mean, the same level I would put you on, which is this, we used to do this bit back and forth to each other, where it was just really just the dumbest person, right? Because Tommy's really good at dumb, and it would be like, "What about drinking coffee or something?" Like, it was always the most obvious, and it always filled up, to follow with, or something. Yeah, or something. So, one night, Tommy's had to spend the night at my house, and we were both working together. We had to get up early the next morning for work, and he's in the next room over, and it's seven in the morning. I'm up, but I'm just kind of basically waking up, and I hear Tommy say under his breath as he's waking up, "What about a wake or something?" And I fell in love with him. Yeah, and I used to beg, like he would make me laugh so hard, like I didn't want to leave him. So, he, this is one of my proudest, happy moments, he, for, I would do all these rifts in the writer's room that outrage us over the top, where I would almost play this over the top host who's incredibly abusive, and I would come into a room, and someone would start to talk, and I would say, "Play, yeah." But I remember at the time I was on this jag, you've seen like, "Why don't you go have a big tall glass of shut up juice?" And it was just a really stupid childish put down that I was doing, and I would do it whenever someone was taking a swig of something, I'd be like, "Oh, a little more," just after they had pitched something, I'd be like, "Oh, a little more shut up juice, huh?" Went to whistle with some, and they, Tommy left, because he was going to go right for professional wrestling, and he told me, "Hey, you got to tune in." I wrote this for the rock. He's taunting one of his opponents, and he tells him, "Why don't you go have a tall glass of shut up juice?" And I was so thrilled, and I watched it, and sure enough the rock was like, "Hey, I'll tell you something," and he's got my mind. He's like, "Maybe you should just go have a long, tall glass of shut up juice," and then they cut to people in the arena, and they're like holding their heads like, "Oh, the rock got him." And then I think the following week, someone had a sign that said, "Shut up juice." And I was in heaven, and you know, no one knew, I didn't care if anyone knew that was me or not. And then those are the kind of things that make me super happy, and so Tommy, one of the funniest. Yeah. It's such a funny guy. I'm curious, like, you and these other jobs, it's interesting to me that, which I totally understand, you're not being the Zach Gallifinakis that people would know. You're just grimly doing your job and trying to do it well, which would describe, probably, you and, I mean, I know that you were a nanny for a while doing-- I was a house cleaner. I was playing in the apartments in New York for a couple of years. Yeah, I was pretty, you know, I'm pretty quiet, I think, and then the comedy scene kind of maybe broke me out of my shyness, I think, somewhat, as I performed more. I got a little bit more comfortable with that stuff, but yeah, those jobs will humble you. I mean, I moved to New York wanting not my-- I didn't want my parents to have to, like, send me anything, right? And they never did, and I was pretty independent, but my father, he would send me things to the mail. I'm like, "I'll go run to the mailbox. I'll kind of hope this is food. I hope this is food." And I'd open it. And it was always irregular underwear. [laughter] And just open it in the post office. [laughter] It was light. I mean, maybe he was sitting to be potato chips, but it was always irregular underwear. But it was wrapped in it, you know? I don't know. [laughter] It's cheap. My dad was cheap, cheap. I also think there's something to-- I used to think about this a lot. When people get to know me and know my rhythm, this will be a little easier. And I think that would be very true of you. I mean, I always thought you would come on our show back in the day, and people didn't know you. You'd sit at a piano and you would tell these great jokes, but you never winked. You never, you know, shot them a look like. You never ingratiated yourself with the crowd. You just completely went in and they had to accept you as you were. And I think you have to do that for a while in order to have people meet you halfway. I think that's-- I think you're right. I also think-- if comedically, I should say only-- I've always thought it's more interesting if you're just doing a stand-up bit like that to have kind of a disdain for the audience. You know, I never was like, hi, I'm going to tell some like a friendly, all right. Let's tell some of these stand-ups come out like, what's up, Miami? Oh, my God. God, that's a lot of literature. You don't want to know how Miami's doing. Miami. I mean, I have no concern or interest in you. I respect the audience, but the relationship-- and now performers have a real relationship with the audience. The social media that-- that too, I've never participated. I don't-- that's a weird-- I don't know how to do that. Yeah. You have something that I'm not too familiar with called dignity. [LAUGHTER] And I'll tell you a lot of stories and then go against that. Well, I mean, we've talked about it. I won't go into it, but I do think that was particularly helpful to you when you did your famous between two ferns interview with Obama because you're the only person that gave him-- And you know, I know that this in any way was just you doing your comedy, but you were so rude as that person and it-- It's hilarious because I don't think anyone's talked to, certainly a sitting president or even in this time, no one's talked about, well, all the professors that have had the president on now, they don't do their court gesture. They don't do it. They just, they suck up to them. Yeah. So the comedians that have had better podcasts that have had Trump on, that's, they're not doing their job. Yeah. Yeah. They're, that's not the job of a comedian. You are too challenged. You are too make uncomfortable. You're not to sit there in fake laugh. Yeah. That is not the job of the court gesture. Yeah. Period. So there is a difference. People were actually, somebody yesterday was talking to me about that, about, you know, political influence through comedy and all that stuff. I'm more interested in the comedy first. Me too. You know, yeah. No, I mean, whatever there, whatever their motive is, fine, but you, but, but the comedy has to come first. I remember when I interviewed Hillary Clinton, and I could tell she didn't want to be there, and I totally get that, I, I get it. But before we had set that whole thing up, they, they wrote back, well, you can't bring up those emails. And I go, well, we don't have to do the interview. I totally, that's fine. We won't do it. When you tell powerful people, no, it's crazy. They were like, okay, well, you can ask because it's not that important to me to do it, the way they want to do it. You have to, if you're going to come on the comedy, you got to wait, we want to do it. Also, I, I see this all the time, and I've seen it for years and years and years. People not understanding that if they go to the supposedly vulnerable place and have a sense of humor about it, it is magical for them. People see they have a sense of humor. They see that they can take a joke. I mean, no one walked away from your interview with Obama and thought, wow, you really showed him. He got to be hilarious. He sat there and entered your world of, you know, being intentionally ignorant about who he is, what he does, cutting him off, being insanely rude, and gave it back to you in equal measure. And you looked at it and you're like, this is a great piece of comedy. And I know it reflects well back on the president. And our current president would do well to understand that, to understand that, you know, if he let himself be the butt of the joke, it's humanizing. I know it is. He wouldn't do it with him. It wouldn't work. It wouldn't work. I had to say in an alternate universe, if we're talking about a different human being, they would see that there's this misconception that, oh, the media just wants to go after conservatives. And they don't understand that everyone benefits when they laugh at themselves. That's right. Period. Yes. Everyone wins. You know yourself, it humanizes you, and like pheromones are released, and humans think that's a good human who, and when you refuse to let that happen, that's not projecting strength, that's projecting weakness. I agree 100%. There's also the math of comedy to me sometimes, where the punching down that the right seems to do something. And I don't want to get political here, but the, that's not as funny to me as taking on the powerful. Like the math of it does it work for me, like to take on some, it's marginalised people make fun of that. Listen, I'm all for human. I can defend it, but that mathematically, so that's why you don't see a lot of comedy that comes out of the, like the right, I mean, the right, you just, it's hard to do. I don't, I'm not saying suggesting you cannot, it's just difficult to do because of the dynamics. Yeah. Greg Gutfeld. I don't know if they'll show up to work again. Um, I always love imagining these people being completely unhinged by a comment on a podcast or, you know, someone did a sketch about them on SNL and they're just completely unhinged. I'm sure. And they can no longer go longer. But that's all for, that's all for clicks, though, you know what I mean? It's fake. Well, that's boring. Yeah. The whole, everyone commenting on every, yeah, and everyone has to, um, wait, did Sabrina Carpenter just slightly misspeak at a performance at Coachella or does, can we make that into something? Yes, we can. And then she'll apologise. And I think she's a fantastic performer. She makes a lot of people happy. I actually don't think she did anything wrong. She couldn't hear what the person in the audience was saying. There was no harm, no foul here, but people got a 24 hour new cycle out of it. And it's just, I mean, it's strange. You know, the other thought of that too is, it's interesting, um, people from the right or whatever you want to say, they're always like, you should have been retainers. You're just entertainers. And I kind of get that because I'm from the south and, you know, but I always think, yeah, that you guys say that to us entertainers, but you elect the entertainers. Yeah. Clint Eastwood, Donald Trump, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Fred Thompson, Gofer from the Love Boat. I mean, I could go. It's named Fred Grandi. I could go on and on sunny, sunny bono. I mean, it goes on and on. Yeah. So it's always interesting to me that they point that out. But then they, they fall, then they, they're the ones that hire or elect the entertainers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think even more so than the other side. So I don't know. It's very, very odd all of it, but it was a good run. Oh no. Oh, we're calling it. We're calling it. We're calling it. Well, two 50 is a good time to call it, you know, um, yes, two 50, 200, I don't feel any, does anybody celebrating? I think they're going, they're going to, well, there's plans to build giant monuments. Uh, I think the triumphant arch was going to be, uh, for the two 50th, I think. Okay. Good. We just got to get that thing built. Yeah. This is going to stand controversial. And I don't want to, when, when Trump did that Jesus thing, I, I was the turning point for me. I was like, I kind of like him. Oh. Like him. Yeah. Oh, you, you. Okay. What do you think? Am I off? No. I think it was a Jesus. He was a doctor. Right? Yeah. His excuse was, um, those, um, I was a doctor who wears a robe and a red sash. And that's like a, like behind the, he was a red cross worker. Oh, man. Uh, he's a very good nightclub comic, uh, you know what I, I was watching your gardening show. And I want to mention this because it's called, this is a gardening show. And one of the, uh, yeah, he was up all night thinking of that title. And, um, actually, we spent about 400 titles back and forth. Oh, really? Between two farms. I mean, it was like, you know, all these play on words. It was so been, then the producer emails me and goes, the first thing you say is this is a gardening show. Yeah. Why don't we just call it. It's like, okay. But yeah, that's how we got to the title. Well, you, you know what? I love because I've known for years that you hang out on Vancouver Island and then to get to see you in your habitat is very cool. I mean, first of all, it's beautiful. But getting to see you, I, I knew that you were a very, uh, sort of an outdoorsy guy. I didn't know specifically how important gardening was to you. The show is really funny. And you get to be you obviously because you are you and there's no fixing that now. But be, um, but just getting to see you in that world, I totally got it. I, you, you like to get up in the morning and tend to plants. I love it. I, it's strange how much, I mean, I've been always been a hobby. It was been my hobby, I guess, um, for 20 plus years. But now that I have some, some space I've been building a garden and I just do, I mean, I have a hundred little pumpkin seedlings in my greenhouse right now that when I get back to, to Canada, I'll put in the ground and that'll probably produce 200 pumpkins for the year. I, that kind of stuff. It's, I, I can't tell you how much I love it. Yeah. It's a feeling that I feel like as humans, it's part of us, but we got away from it. Yeah. We, we, we just, because, because technology and convenience has overtaken everything. Yeah. We're pushing buttons. It's solace. Yeah. Yeah. There's nothing there. Yeah. Yeah. For me. And I, I wanted to do this show for several reasons. One, you know, when you watch documentaries about where we are climate wise, you hear there's 64 harvest left. Okay. Maybe that's not true. But what if it is? Right. Right. You know, this is, these are, there's a, there's, these are scientists that are saying this. 64 harvest left. So people, I see some people acting like, Oh my God, what are we going to do? What are we going to do? And then I see some people don't care. So I don't know. I'm just going to go with what my gut feeling is, which is maybe kids need to know this stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, yeah, I believe you, I actually believe that that would, I believe, and think about that. Yeah. Right. So all of the, I feel like the safety might not be there for the next generation. So I'm, and this is not an altruistic thing. I'm trying to say it's just a practical thing. Our food, even if nothing happens, even let's say everything stays normal, well, our food and where we get it and, and how what we know about it is, we don't have a relationship with food. A lot of us don't. it birth, death, food, and where it's coming from, primal parts of our existence so long, I mean, they're just printed into our DNA as we evolve. And then, within the last few generations, we've completely removed ourselves from it. And I'm going to be completely honest with you, like, I know nothing about gardening. I know nothing about where my food comes from. I say to David, I want to get that and you're like, all right, and you get it and it comes and I shove it in my face really quickly, and with great hate, but it's the same thing about death. Like, we're not people used to live and die in their home and people used to be there for it and now everything's kind of farmed out. So yeah, it's. But it's a medicine, too. It's not just. It's not. It's not altruistic. You do it for yourself. Yes. Absolutely. I mean, look, I'm a little chubby guy, but I love eating fresh vegetables and fruits out of the garden. But it's a high for me, it just is. So there's many elements to it, but I'm saying it's a medicine to be in the garden. It's healthy to be. It's also. When you talk about. You've spoken about this for a while and you mentioned it today, the kind of allergic reaction you have to the bullshitery of show business and in some of it, there's obviously great parts of it and then there's parts of it which can actually feel like a toxin. It's poison and honey. Yeah. I felt this, I got a chance, Danny Harrison, George's son invited me to come see George's home for our park and I went and so much of it are George Harrison's, were his gardens where he grew things. And I've seen footage of him in various documentaries just tending to his gardens and tending to his son flowers and tending to the things he was growing. And I thought, "Oh!" And you know, Danny said, "Yeah, he told him once." You know, Danny said, "Oh, let's go into town, let's leave Fryer Park and go into town." And his father said, "Why would we do that? Why would we go out there? It's insane out there." If you look at all the footage of his life in the 60s and 70s, it was screaming and madness. This was the antidote. Interesting. And I think you have experienced being in the nose cone of the rocket and there are people who are making a living pretending to be you hanging outside a planet Hollywood. You know, that's, and like, we're gonna get us, is that galvanicus for the party? I got one. I got one too. Well, bring them both, you know. So you're, it's such a nice antidote to find those places where you can grow apples. Well, I also think it's possible in the cities. I mean, when you guys all leave today, I want you to pay attention to how much concrete is around you versus greenery. But just think about it. It's crazy. It's really crazy. I mean, I think humans biggest mistake was fighting nature instead of working with you. We're gonna conquer it. No, no, you're not. No, you're not. It's gonna win. Yeah. And it looks like it's definitely gonna win. So you have to respect it and honor it. If there's a God that made all this stuff, why would, why not respect it and the other things that this God has made? That's coming from someone that has no idea if there's a God or not. But if there is, why is it the simplest thing to respect the earth and the humans and the animals on it other than that? What is there? Yeah. I mean, this, where humans are going with AI, I mean, I guess, I don't know if I'm old-fashioned or I'm, maybe it's because I'm 56 now, but I think this whole AI thing and I don't mean for medicine. I don't, it's got a lot of great things. Otherwise though, I think it's another like biblical, in the biblical term, biting the apple again. I just am very afraid of it. The dudes that are designing it. There's a real problem because these dudes, how do I say it? They have math minds. Fuck. You know what I mean? And that's good. But there's very little wisdom coming out of that pocket of the world, almost none. And we're just running. All of us are running in that direction, the media, the media loves AI, the media loves social media because it causes more to this. Yeah. I love when CNN, they'll have a reporter on good, they'll do a report on social media and how bad it is for someone. And then after the report, Jake Tapper gets on and go, "Follow me on Twitter." Love it. He's assinine. Have you no self-reflection? Even how we communicate through text, there's not a sarcastic font, right? Right. Not good enough writers to do it for text. As a comedian, to get back LOL is really diminishing returns. So I think the way we have let robots do this for us has also made us a little bit off. Yeah. I just do. I worry about the lack of human connection with that stuff and maybe it's not as needed as we think it is. I don't know, I mean, I really don't know. But this world, this text stuff, has always, I've always thought about, I've always worried about it, especially when social media came about in my space and all this. When it was done, you could do it anonymously. That's a weird start for anything. So the weirdo's running this thing and good weirdos, I don't mean they're all bad weirdos. We need to, something, there needs to be a guardrail and I think politically nothing changes in the States until they regulate the internet. Yeah. I do think not, so we can sit here and talk about, good luck, if you work for both sides. It just depends on who's going to control it, the messaging. But I see how people scroll on planes. I'm like, that's how people get their new, we're screwed. I do think that if you look at the history of huge technological advances, including the printing press and how that revolutionized things, in the early days it's rough going when people are handed a brand new superpower and we are at the beginning of this. And I do think if we survive it, there will be guardrails. There will be people that say, oh no, a kid can't have a tablet, we've figured it out, we can't have it till they're 14. And that's a law, you know, or you can't, it's like a, how a city, like a city can be built and there's like crap in the streets, the sewage is all wrong. And as it ages, they fix the problem. No, we're at the okay Karau phase where drunks are punching each other through the swinging doors of the bar and landing in the mud. People are shooting their guns in the air going, nahah, that's where we are. But do you think it's going to need a regulation to get to there? Do you, do you think the government, yeah, yeah? I think it's, and I think it's going, but you know what it does? It comes through just this hard experience and humans do, if they put their hand on the stove enough times, they learn not, we need a rule about putting our hands on the stove. I hope you're right. There's an addiction, there's an addiction thing here too that we have it. That's the other thing is the addiction part and that addiction is designed. Listen, you read the, have you read the Facebook whistleblower book? You need her. It's unreal. I read it twice. It's fascinating. So they know that they're making it addictive. So that's the problem, I think, maybe with the comparing it to the old technology. Right. Sure, you're right. I think the printing press, of course, it changes the world. Technology is what changes humans the most. Political correctness, for example, has always been in comedy for the last 30 years. It just has the differences, the technology, the audience talks back now. And comedians, you've got to be okay with it. That's the only thing that's changed, not political correct, that did not, for sure, it happened many, many years ago. But what really changed is if someone comes and sees you live and they don't like it and you've said something, they're going to either videotape it or get it. So it's weird, it's all very strange. Yeah. But then I see people on their computers all the time and like they never do anything else. My mind goes, well, when the end of the world comes, they're the veal. Well, you know what, it's soft, soft meat. It's a soft meat. So we might need them. No, we're going to eat all the veals up in Silicon Valley. We're coming to eat you, boys. The way you describe it, we're going to eat very well. I mean, I want this to happen sooner rather than later. Just you and I, but also we're humans, we're animals, right? Like we need to move and think and talk and blah, blah, blah, this is, it's too much. It's too much. Yeah. It's making people nuts. It just is. Well, I think it's making people mentally, I do, I think it's making people mental. I do, I mean, I do things now. Where I like brick my phone, well, there actually is a device called the brick where you can turn off a bunch of apps so that in order to go turn them back on, it's called the brick, but you, and I use that all the time now. Do you have a email on your phone? I do. Take it off. It's too late. Oh, no, you can take it off. No. I never, I can't imagine it's on the email on my phone. It's so like that's asinine to me. What about, and you're accumulating text too? No text. I knew how to get rid of ticks. I would. I don't know how to get rid of it. I'm of overcommunication, right? So my brother, he says on a podcast, my brother looked exactly, but my brother's like text to me over Christmas. Got those paper towels, yes, but I don't need you to text me that you got. - I don't need that update. It's insanity. - You know what I've nasty to is that someone will text you. Like, how's it going? And if you don't text them, it's the person who maybe 20 minutes went by and they're like, "What the fuck? You alive?" You know, like, I was, it was three in the morning. What's going on? Because they're so used to getting an immediate dopamine hit that they forget they're talking to someone who isn't walking around looking at their phone all the time. - I see. - So I get a lot of my texts are, "Did you die or something?" And it's like, "Well, no." - I mean, I see teenagers on planes and the mental illness that they're doing with their faces, like changing it. - At first, three hours staring at a phone. - Yeah. - You know, you're supposed to be bored. - Yes. - You're supposed to be. It's good to be the brain. - Well, it's actually, and really good. I remember saying this, when my kids were a little, we got to keep the boring parts. Because I remember when I was, I would get so bored when I was a kid, and that's when my, we weren't allowed to watch TV if there was school the next day, which meant most of the week. We had none of this technology. And that's when my mind started to do weird things. And that's how I make my living now. So you got out. - God, I thought this was going to turn into a masturbation story. (laughing) - I think we all did. (laughing) - That's what it just did. - You got the nerve of the room. - That's the story's not done. - That's what I was, you cut me off. - You're right, I wish somebody had. (laughing) - Yeah. - That is what I was getting to. - My mind started doing weird things. - Yeah. - And my hand. - Yeah. - My wall. - And then I said, and that's how I make my living. (laughing) And then I became a writer. - I became a professional masturbator at the circus. - Yeah. - Which is it? - Yeah, anyway. - Would you say to me? - I was, no, nothing. - Did you just accrease me of murder? - Nope. - I was gonna say, is there a, is there, I don't know, nevermind. I don't want it to be in there. - Is there a masturbator at the circus? - Like, no, is there a masturbation competition? (laughing) - I bet there is. - I hope so. - Eduardo. (laughing) - I'm not looking this one up. - No, he just meant Eduardo. (laughing) - He didn't even know you had a computer. - What's going on this week? - Eduardo. - Eduardo. (laughing) - Let's just say Eduardo is very skilled. (laughing) - It is so lovely to talk to you, and you really are a remarkable individual, and we could all be more like you. - Sure, and I really mean that. - Do you like my text? (laughing) - I just read exactly what you wrote. - Thank you very much. - I read exactly what you presented me. - You personally read it in there. - And a great lover. What the fuck is this? (laughing) - You misspelled lover. - Yeah, the two V's always. (laughing) - I love, I've been, I checked out, this is a gardening show. I really like it. I especially love when you incorporate kids in it, and you're talking to them. - It's the easiest thing. - I know, but you're so funny doing it. - So funny. - And also you're in a series, The Audacity, which is getting raves, so congrats to you. That's on AMC, and you, I mean anytime you're in town, you wanna come by and talk to us about anything. - Tomorrow's not good for me. - It's okay, the next day. - No, I'm here Saturday. - Starting in six years from now. - Oh, okay. - That's what I meant. - I mean, I mean, I'm not gonna go to Greece for your, no, we haven't gone to Greece yet for the travel show, but I do wanna go there. - It's the best. - Would you go with me if I went? - I would love, I would love, I would love to go, but I might take my gardening show there next time, but if you do go, please call me, 'cause that can point you in, like I have first cousins that are still there, so I can point, they can go like you. - You should check out the part of the non. (laughing) - Thanks a lot. - No, they were gonna take you to the Hard Rock and Athens. (laughing) - And I just couldn't. - There's not a Hard Rock Cafe in Athens. You know, they're in there, I don't think, no. - The Greeks are not, they're not, they're not capitalist that way. - Good, good, good. - They actually, during the European Union, they got really, they got really hurt. - Yeah, yeah. - But they're in Europe. - I've never been to Greece in my life, and I would love to go there. - That's the best, they know how to live. They know how to live. - And so do you. - That's right. - And so do you. - Zach Galfanakis, thank you for being here. I treasure you, I really do. Those aren't cheap, could you put it back? - You know, I'll put, there's a, so you just grab one of our-- - By the way, I was asking the-- - Clean Nexus. - There's the comment box, you all right? (laughing) - We took it down just for you. - Okay, well, we'll put it back in minute. - I'll take it to Twitter. (laughing) (upbeat music) - Okay, look, there's some bad blood out here. We have to take care of this. - Yes. - I brought up Sona that I do a lot of favors for you. I mean, I do a lot of favors for everybody, but you get more than your share. - Oh my God. - Let's revisit this topic, okay? - Ugh, okay. - Sona, you know I love you, I adore you, you're the best. But you're, you're just this blood sucker. - Oh my God. - It's draining me dry. - You are awful, you're awful. - You're awful. - Are we getting content or not? - We are, but you know what, every coolest gamer, do you take that game home with you? - Ooh, I would say no, actually. - It might be only like half the time. - Yeah, I'm not 85%. - 85% of the time when you do a coolest gamer for a cool game, you get the game. - How's your favorite? - Because you get some benefit out of it, that's not direct, that's what I'm saying. We all get a lot of fun stuff from this job. - All I'm gonna say is he does a lot of favors for you, but you do the greatest, for you, for you, for you. But you do the greatest favor for him, you make him cool. - Oh. - That's the greatest favor you're doing for him. - I don't know, am I doing that? - You do, you do. - Yeah. - No, people do get excited. You're a cool person, and you, you know, me, yes. I guess I'm cool, and then I pop a leave every now and then. I also use drink a lot of water with it, you gotta make sure you flush out the system. - Oh my God. - It's a recommendation that's on the bottle. But, no, but I mean between my leave, use, and your coolness factor, I think we make a good deal. - I don't think they're favors. I think you are paying me back. - What? - Yeah, for all the things I don't have to pay you financially. - No, you should still do that. But I also, I don't know, for some reason. - You know what, I don't resent these favors for you. I like doing it, and I will say, look, I needed a segment, so I came out swinging, and it worked because you got really mad. And also, is there some truth in it? Probably, because in most of my bits, there's a little bit of truth. - This is my nightmare. - And I do a lot of favors for people. - You do. - We have to do a favor for Sona today, for instance, at the end of this bit. - Oh, is that true? - Yeah. - What's happening today? - I don't want to run around. - No, no, we get to. - That's right, we get to do a favor for Sona. - You know that I like doing things for the Armenian community. You know I like doing that. - But they're the ones you took me to Armenia in 2015, I tried to leave you there. - You know, that was the plan. The plan was to leave you there. And then I was like, shut the door, shut the door. And the pilot didn't shut the door fast enough and you squirted into the plane, and you were like, where are you headed back? - But the plan was to leave you there. - Well, thank you for doing that. But you've shown a light on my beautiful homeland. And since then, you've been kind of an honorary Armenian. They're very excited. - You know what, I will say, Armenian people are always very happy to see me. - Yes. - But I have an I say, each pasek, and then they say, love them and we have like a nice thing going. - Yeah. - So that's always nice. - Yeah. - I meet a lot of them in steam rooms. I don't know what that's all about. Several times I've been in a Sona or a steam room, and then naked men in there have been Armenian. And we have a nice chat about Armenia. - Oh, okay, oh, that's nice. - Yeah. - That's a nice, see, that's the thing. If you hadn't taken me to Armenia, I don't think you would have been getting as many asks. And I filter a lot. But there are some that I-- - And we're doing one today, which is important to do. - We're doing one today. - And it's because it's an important event. What is it? - It's the Armenian Heritage Walk Gala in Philadelphia. And I'm seeing it. - Oh, you're going to-- - I'm going to Philadelphia. - There's a benefit, and you're going to be up there saying, all right, our next auction item, that kind of thing. - No, no, it's going to be like honoring people who help them do it. It's this permanent installation by the Philadelphia Museum of Art. - Do you have jokes written? - I'm not you. I don't, I don't-- - Well, we know that, but I mean, what about-- - The bars really low for-- - But you've got to have some material. You can't, you can't MC a gala and not have material. - That's true, I-- - What kind of jokes do they like? - I haven't written anything yet. - When is it? Soon, right? - It's like a really soon. - Okay, you have to write material. Maybe I would help you, another favor. But let's-- - You can't also do something and then say you're doing me a favor. - I can say yes to things and then resent them because that is my true hobby. - But-- - I say yes to stuff, and then I resent it. You know, we got to think of some jokes, you know, about-- - We have some. - Like what about pomegranates and what is it about? - I don't want to tell you, I'm nervous. - Let's hear it. - I think, well, one of the honorees, no, this is-- - Come on, yes, no we know, we have to now. - We have to, all right, so one of the honorees is an Armenian man who's an astronaut. He's, and so I'm going to say, you know, within the last six months, we've had one of the greatest moments in space when Katie Perry went up for 10 minutes. - That's a good joke. - It's a misdirect. - That's a misdirect, because everyone's going to think I'm talking about part of this. - Are you explaining to me how a misdirect work? - Yes, this is what comedy is, Conan O'Brien. - No, but you know what? I think that's a funny joke. - Okay. - You know what's another good joke? IAN is added to every Armenian name, right? - Yeah. - So you could say there's some other great celebrities who are Armenian, Katie Perry is. you know, Tom Kruzian, John Travoltean, you know what I mean? I mean, this is a good Sabrina Carpenterian. I mean, you know, you could go into that whole thing. Okay. And you could list a whole bunch of celebrities' real names before they shortened them, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Okay. I like that. I don't know Brian Neon. Not so good. It didn't roll off the tongue. And also, there's already a lot going on with your last day. And you jokes about some of the other, they're true famous, like Dr. Kavorkian. Well, there's six honorees. So I'm coming up with bits for each one. Okay. I'm going to kill it at this Armenian gala, even more than your previous host, Dr. Kavorkian. Oh God. Right. Yeah. That's a good joke. He killed people. I know. Okay. I know. Yeah. He's the pride of the Armenian people. Don't you drive around and a van and do it. I forget how he did it. You know what? Nowadays, Euconnesia is not looked at as poorly as it was before. He was a, well, his name was Dr. Death and he drove around in a van. But yeah, you're right. He was a pioneer. No, ending people's lives is all cool now. They wanted to end them. They were all, weren't they all terminally ill? All right. You're taking us down to dark road. I just think I'm going to kill it up here. I'm going to be Armenian host who kills it the fastest since Dr. Kavorkian. That's funny. That's a good joke. God. I mean, say by the way, other, you know, famous and then it's Dr. Perry. You know, the singer C.S. C.S. C.N. is a good one. I mean, we're coming up with good material right here. You're going to kill it this thing. I know. I could come out as a character. What? Yes. I could be a character. I could come out like as an old Armenian lady and then, you know, and I do a character. I won't be offensive at all. Can I let me hear your old Armenian lady? It's nice to be here. I tried the apricot and flattened them and now I knew it was going to be a trifered thing. No, it would kill. And guess what? I'm going to fly out. I'm going to write this material and I'm going to do this on the on the gala and then I'm really going to resent you. Those who are given much are expected to give much. Oh, God. It's clear that I've been gifted with some divine powers. And so I must spend my time on this earth doing favors for Sonom of Cessian. I think that's the rule here. But, um, you know, I love you. You know, I care about you. Do you? Do you? It's a bit. I do. Oh, that's nice. Well, thank you. I love you too. It was a bit. Love you a bit. Bye. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Cessian and Matt Gourley, produced by me, Matt Gourley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leo, theme song by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns, additional production support by Mars Melnic, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and BrittCon. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of Sirius XM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com/Colon. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien, Needs a Friend, wherever fine podcasts are down below.