Your Receipts: Should I Ditch My Marriage For a Same Sex Relationship?

The year is 2026 and that means one thing Audrey. We are back on the road. Yes we are and we're coming to the city near you. We're so excited. We will be in Birmingham, Leeds, London, Bristol and Dublin. Be sure to get your tickets. So you can see us live at direct. You can get tickets on. www.thereseatspodcast.co.uk We can't wait to see you. Wah. Hi everybody. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to a brand new episode of your receipts. This show is called your receipts because the receipts belong to you. What was it? You were the audience. She is in Ben's face. That was so like, give me a tiny look. It was like, you're thinking it was so formal. This is, it's not like you're in an essay. Oh. I think it was you guys. Did I get you? Yeah. He was out. This is what I like to do. Do you know what I mean? Expresally unexpected. Okay. But this is your receipts. The episode where, you know, the receipts are yours. They belong to you and we are here to help in any way, shape and feel. Sometimes they don't always have the answers, but we will absolutely try. And that's all we can do. That's all we can do. It's your girl, Tolly T. And just call me Audrey. Out. Out. Out. Out. You can bow. Out. You can bow. You can bow. Bow. Bow. Bow. With the days where like, bin boys were such a thing. Like, yeah, bin boys. We wouldn't notice that bin boys. No, I'm calling you bin boys. I know. That word kind of does. Yeah. Which I'm based and really feel sorry for. The 9G and curls called bin boy. Because it was. Is it the same spelling? Yeah. It will spell the exact same way. So unfortunately for them. Yeah. And we'll call them by such a bin boy. But luckily for them that word is kind of died. Yeah, it's just kind of died. No one's really a bin boy anymore. What would you call them in airhead? We don't. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We don't have any. We don't have any. Yeah. If you don't even really say airhead. It's what I like to go for. I thought that was very American. Do you know what I realized? I need to stop swearing. Jesus Christ. When I see clips of this for cars. Yeah. It just comes out of my mouth. And it's like it's I don't see as I just see as language. It's part of how you understand if you're listening to that. It might sound like, all right. If you're not a swearbar. Yeah. If you're not, because some people probably make quite black. I'm sorry. But the people that annoy me are people that when they're typing and they put an asterisk on a star. Just don't use it. Just don't use the word. Look at that. I'm like, oh my god. Those people piece people off and it's so annoying. Oh my god. Add a dream about you. Oh my gosh. I actually that just made me remember how to dream about you. It was a good dream. It wasn't a bad dream. Oh, it was just a dream. Yeah. So in the dream, you would do it. Do you know what this I think is because I knew that was seeing you today suddenly to bring your present. So that was doing that's in your consciousness. Yeah. So that was just on my mind to be that type of forget to give it to her. But in the dream, you were on Instagram live doing an unboxing. OK. Yeah. So doing the unboxing. Yeah. And then you'd boot out a burkin. And it was like, oh, this is my birthday present for my friend. Do like ten of them got together and put 35 pound each to buy it for you. And all the comments were like 35 pound each isn't made for burkins. And then you got 35,000 friends. So they were like, your friends are going to be you a fake. So all the comments are like, your bag is fake. Your bag is fake. And you're like, why is everyone saying it's fake? Like, telling my friends what 35 pounds together, that is a burkin. It's like, what are you talking about? It's true. And then I wasn't a part of the friends. And I did it what people to think. I was part of the 10 friends. Which is so mean. And it was so right. And then I was in the comments of James, you were like, oh, I wasn't a part of it. Yeah. Just to clarify. Just to clarify. But I think it's because I knew I had to bring you your gifts for you. Yeah, that's just definitely why. And then it made me think, I'm not trying to hear because I thought I wanted to tell you about the dream. It made me think about how an artist who sounds so stupid. But how maybe in 2002, my jeans would have never included Instagram because it wasn't in my consciousness. So even your jeans have had to be updated. Because of what's in your conscience now. So true. There was no way in my dream I would have had someone be an Instagram live in my dream. It was whatever existed in your world. Was this what you were having in 2002? My space? Yeah, possibly. But I wasn't ever on my space like that. Oh, I was on my space. I was even on thinking, and Pixar. Yeah. I was on this thing. I didn't think I had to wear a side of Pixar. Yeah, I would have that. Yeah, if I such a good point actually. I was a part of that. I was a part of it. I didn't imagine social media ever being a thing. Yeah, it wouldn't have been in your dream. Yeah. Now it's so much part of your consciousness. In your subconscious. 100%. But yeah, you were interesting. Interesting. Yeah. Anyway, that's not what we're here for. We're not here for the Chitachetta. We're here to get straight to business and help you guys out of your dilemmas. So I will start off by reading one out. Turn away. Okay. Hi, ladies. First and foremost, I love the new studio. You guys are so inspiring. And your advice is something I cherish. And how true Timohart. Thank you. Thank you. I have a dilemma. In my early 30s, and I've been single for a number of years, single is in quotation marks. I did a casual relationship, offensive benefit situation with a guy I liked for over five years. This guy is the same ethnicity as me for context. Recently, I find myself evolving and wanting more. That I know I've always known will never be possible with him. Okay. So I joined an online dating platform and began speaking to a new guy. This new guy is 14. We are the same star sign. We live nearby to each other. He works and seems focused and is relatively balanced. You have only had two dates. The first one was in celebration of my such hour birthday. My birthday is a day apart. He spoiled me, wind and dined me, and treated me like the queen the whole night. Lovely. He was also very vocal in expressing how much he likes me and is glad we met. And we was already planning our next date, first holiday, meeting each other as kids and so on. It was nice and whilst I questioned his enthusiasm, I don't believe he was loved one me. And honestly, he felt like he was just very keen. Nothing physical happened. And whilst I knew he was nice, I knew I wasn't feeling him 100%. I explained at the end of the night and said we could be friends. He then called immediately after explaining how much he really likes me and begged me to give him one more time for him to share how much he likes me and so on. I'll be honest, I find it quite cute and haven't met a guy before who is so attentive, caring and loving. I agreed to give it time and we have agreed to take things slow. We then met for another day and he was again the perfect gentleman and this time with gifts, drawing. This is all quite new to me. I feel like I think this guy is lovely but I just don't think I like him the same way. He's spulls me and is indicated and shown in subtle ways that he will look after me if we were to be serious. This is my first intonation relationship. And I wonder if his lack of melanin is a subconscious barrier. I want to like him. I just don't know why I don't. I've dated men before in the past who have been less attentive. Should I continue to date him and hope my feelings and love grace for him or should I end things now? You know what, yeah, I don't think his race or ethnicity or whatever it is has anything to do with it because I think that if that really was a true barrier you wouldn't have got this far with him in the first place. And I think that you're just using that as kind of like a reason to justify why just don't like him. And sometimes that happens and it is so frustrating and annoying because it's like, why is this happening to me? This guy is ticking all the boxes. He's nice. He's offering me everything I want but it's just not there. And I think that's just what it is. And I don't think it's anything more or anything less to be honest. I think that you want to like him because there's nothing wrong with him on paper. But sometimes you come across people and think just don't have that spark. And I think that's very much a real thing. And I'm the person I need the spark. Like I know some people can override that spark thing because maybe they understand a bigger picture of it for them the money or whatever is more important. Like I can't do that. Like I've never been someone that's been able to be like, he's rich but I don't like him. I even if he was a lovely person, if I just don't have that connection, I can't do it. I just cannot. I need to have that thing. And I think that's all it is. I think it's just as simple as that. Do you know what I hear you write? And I might be reaching. I might absolutely be reaching. I do think there is something in maybe you not believe in your deserve enough all of this. I think you spent five years with someone that was just a situation shape. It was like casual. It didn't really need you to think deeply about yourself or think deeply about him or whatever. And I think you decided, hey, I want something more. And then you found someone that's just like, oh, this is a lot. And then sometimes when you're used to things that are not that great, you feel like that's what's normal. So when someone's doing a lot, you're like, oh, like I don't like him. What's going on here sort of thing? Like you said, I don't know if it's the right thing. Because I think you don't ever got there in the first place. I think you like being liked. But I don't know if you really truly believe that you deserve all these things. That you might be a little bit like, oh, no, it's a lot. Self-sabotage. A little bit. Again, I might be reaching. You might not be up to that. I'll be honest. I won't really match it away. I think I would be like, what I will tell him to do is weigh in all the gifts. You don't need to buy me gifts. Exactly. You don't need to be on 10 and showing me a preview of how amazing it could be. Let's just take it slow. I'll be honest. I think a spark is great. But someone can make me like them. I can be like, oh, God, that's smart me. When I first saw this person, I didn't think, oh, my God, amazing, whatever. But it's spending time with them. How they treat me, how they treat others around. And I'm like, oh, my God, I think I like him. Yeah. So I would take it slow off. Yeah, maybe you can say to him that, hey, you don't need to do all of this gifts and lavish things or whatever. Now, not saying that, I'm not saying that. Stop that altogether. But it's like, I just kind of genuinely want to get to know, just be normal. And the map, your point is, I'm definitely don't like him. But I think just really dig deep. Is it that your, because I think sometimes women, hey, women also have commitment issues. I think people think it's anything we really reserved for good looking bachelor men. - Yeah, women and I was like, "Show up differently." But we also were like, "Oh, I don't know." Because I think for me, anyway, it's like, you know what you give up for that? - Yeah, exactly. And having some, and again, I'm not saying settle at all, but I think having someone, 'cause you've said it, there's nothing innately wrong with him just taking all the boxes. So maybe it is more of a you thing, and it is just gonna be a time thing. It's not to say that, you have to go marry him. But I think that so long as he hasn't done anything that's completely offensive, or given you that it can any major way, I, and but you're being treated really nicely, I think you owe it to yourself to like, - Yeah, see. - Also, you're in your mid-dirties, you know when someone's a no, you would not write anything if it was a playman. You don't need, like there were many people that you might have dated talked to and shut away, you were like, "I feel like I get the fuck out of my face." Like you know, "Oh, God, I said I subscribe to my wife." Like get out of my face. You know when it's a no, and I think you are didly-dally in this, you'd be like, "Oh, you want someone else to tell you, yeah, "it's a definite no." 'Cause like I said, do you write in your early thirties, do you own mother, you know yourself, trust in your own instincts, people like, "Okay, cool, I'm not, "it's okay to not be sure straight away." - Yeah, exactly. - Exactly. - Like, I really wanna talk to some kind of dating expert. I've got like, analogy about slow love, slow burn love. So I think so often people are so used to love having to be, we met and it was amazing and female-sweet, like this passion shut away. And I wanna talk to someone who knows more than me about the idea of a, a love that slowly burns. That is not just boom straight away. - Yeah. - I'm fascinated by that. But I would actually go in a few more days to tell them to remain it in. - Yeah, 'cause then you become clouded by the, do I like him? - Yeah. - Or is it because of the, - Yeah. - You know, the things that he can offer. All right, next dilemma. - Next dilemma, honey. - Hi, I go. - Hey, life. - I just wanna say how much I love listening to you both. The way you both answer dilemmas from a place of love and non-judgment, I don't have a sister's last, so this is like sister advice to me. My dilemma is not dilemma, but it's more something that I need to overcome. So I'm 25 years old, single, and I've never been in a relationship with just situations. I've had quite a few sexual partners in my past from about the age of 14. I was often used and looked at in lust from a young age. I became extremely hypersexual in my late teens, I'm sucking dick in the toilet, damn. Sex outside, wanting sex with multiple people, watching so much porn, et cetera. People used to say no one will want me and will ever want me. During my 20s, I started to actually date and find men I like. I want to have kids one day and I want to be married. When men find out about my past, they often get disgusted and insecure. - Right, I find exactly. - I am myself from disgusted too, and I feel ashamed for the things I did, due to so low self-worth. I've dated all types of men, from good men to bad men. But as soon as things start to get serious, I can't. I feel like I'm never going to find a relationship that works for me. How do I get over this feeling of disgusted in my past sexual partners and speak to the next person I am dating about in an open way best wishes? - I'm sorry. - Firstly, this idea that you're not going to be wife because you don't know this sexual things is not the truth. It's a myth. - I will tell you, the local Bosch in my area is married with children. I'm quite a bit happy. I've seen some kind of pictures. And she was one. - She was one. - In all the politeness way in the world. So that one, forget it. Forget that. Oh, because you have sex. You have sex. Who hasn't sex with the Twitter? Because it doesn't mean you're not going to get wife. That is a myth that they try to tell us. And it's not true. I have seen the big dons of sketism be wife and happy and change their life. And all of that is their past. Some of them feel good about it. Some of them don't feel good about it. Whatever that is, it does not mean you will not get wife. It doesn't work like that. And so I want you to take that. Now, it's a different way from yourself. I do also think you should stop that info bit. I think you should stop trying to find value in yourself and have someone else issue. I think until you've worked on yourself, value yourself worth, you're someone else's, even if it might be a glimpse of something, it might be a, oh, they go, oh, wow, I work, you're going to instantly feel a way because you have not worked on it. So any hints of judgment, it could have been that they're blinced too hard today. So we'll start all, do you remember that I'll go, they think this about me. So I do think you should like not date for a little bit and figure out who, and I said it a bit a little while, and figure out what it is. I don't know, also in terms of the like, oh, the past and feeling bad and that you were doing this, you were doing that, whatever. You have to forgive yourself for it. That you can't go back and change it. You can't unseat with these people. You can't unseat with people. There's nothing like, I know it sounds like I'm being thinking, but there was nothing you can do about it. So therefore you have to forgive yourself for it. Whatever reason it was that you did it, maybe something that you want to dig into and maybe that's something you can do with the therapist and see, but why did I move out that? What are the reasons? I'm not saying everybody, but a lot of people that are quite mischievous is a story behind it somewhere. And again, I'm not saying everybody, some people are just aware because that's just how they felt things. But some people, a lot of people, there is a story, there is a reason why you got there, whatever. So I don't, I do think that's something that you need to figure out what the core of that reason was. And I think once you do, you honestly just have to forgive yourself and not attach your worth to that. 100%. I definitely agree with part about maybe tapping into why you did that because it's permeating so much and it's showing up in your life now. I mean, if it was something that you could accept that it happened, you know, had a phase, you know, we talk about the whole phase often and you could just move on and it wasn't like showing up in your present life and bothering you. Then I would say, you know, just move on. But it clearly is. So I definitely think that there's something that needs to be, that's definitely something that needs to be tapped into. So I totally agree with that. I also think that the reason why you're getting judgment from these guys is because you're telling them you don't. I don't think that you need to know. I get this whole thing of like putting things out on the table and full transparency, but I don't think that not sharing everything about your past means that you're having less of a transparent relationship. Especially something you haven't dealt with. Exactly. You feel ashamed. I don't see the point of them knowing. Because you feel ashamed with it. The way I bet you any money when you're talking to these guys, you're saying it from a place of like wanting them to hold you and guys will not, they will not. Like you can say it from the most humble position. And this happened to me and this happened to me. And this is why I did that and trying to like garner understanding for men when it comes to things that they're very black and white. And so I think that that's probably where the pain is coming from because you're telling them thinking that they're going to accept it or hold you and then not giving you that they give you judgment. It was patron that I was talking about. You don't, when you meet someone new, you don't need to tell them all the ways and how other men mistreat you. Like you and other people go and then in this work from a heart and this guy cheat you. Because as soon as you tell them that there's a little part then that feel like you're now giving me the responsibility to be the good guy. And now have to be the one to fix it. I just think that's too much pressure. Oh, they think, oh, so you can take up to that much pressure. Oh, my bullshit is fine. Exactly. Because they'll be like, if you could take that, the my little. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. And I don't think, especially if it was like you're telling them in early days is how was the conversation brought up? Oh, yeah. So what they actually are having managed you slept with. What are you sat down in them? Really love all the names or was telling them, well, will the places, I don't understand why that's necessary? That should not be happening. And do you know what? It's not even because I think that you've said yourself that you feel like there's a certain shame that's attached to like decisions you made back in the day. I'm not even someone that necessarily thinks that you should be ashamed if you've got like a colorful sexual history or whatever. I just personally think it's not anyone else's business. And any conversations that I'm having with any man, I don't see how that is relevant to how we move forward. Like it's got absolutely no relevancy in terms of like. It's actually your safety. And what we're doing, so that's why me personally, I just don't think it's necessary to divulge that kind of information. So I think you're getting the response and I think it's kind of trickling down and like making things worse because of the reaction that you're getting from these guys. So I would, number one, if you, I mean, I would definitely sit down for a bit and just try and work on yourself and people like that. But if there's a world in which you feel like, no, I still really want to say, number one, stop telling me. Yeah, stop sharing this information. It's no one else's business, no one is owed this information. And very rarely guys go into detail about, they'll be very vague. They're very vague about their sexual history and their past relationships and stuff like that. And then we go in, like trying to feel the silence. I want to be transparent. I want to say, no, you can still have transparency and honesty in a relationship and still keep things to yourself. So yeah, I think that's something you did. Why would a man want to know a place I had sex? Why would you? Exactly. That's way too much detail. Like way too much detail. And I think that their reactions are what's triggering you. So yeah, stop doing that. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I wouldn't advise someone. I do think there was a lot of heavier things when it comes to sex and issues that people don't realise that it might be worth having a chat if you're able to. Agreed. Right. Next dilemma. Okay. Next dilemma. Hi ladies. I could never get into my dilemma with that, giving you the flowers you deserve. I've been faithfully listening to you girls for about four years now. And I can't imagine a weekly podcast rotation without my Monday and Wednesday, the receipts fix. Being an American is lovely to hear your perspective and wisdom on dilemmas that seemed different from my American mindset. I'm so proud of you girls and have value come. And I hope you continue besting your listeners with your wisdom, humor and presence every week. Congratulations on the new studio. I wish nothing but joy and happiness for your endeavors and come to Chicago. Thank you. Oh. They would have to. Sure. Yeah, definitely. Now, onto my dilemma. I'm so sorry. This is long, but I need to fit in all the details. To begin, I come from a family of nine siblings. And I am the direct middle child, for before me, for below me. I'm close with all my siblings, but we're also all a little messed up in our own ways. My parents aren't the best communicators with things are upsetting or when tensions are high. So yelling was always the go-to. My parents were also pretty young when they started having children. So I can fully acknowledge that the parents I had growing up were not the same parents. My other siblings had as children. I say this. to say all of my siblings have completely different personalities now and this is a result of a lot of tensions within the family. However, the biggest tension in the family surrounds my oldest sister. My oldest sister is seven years older than me. Let's call her Belle. Belle's been with her now husband for about 15 years and have three children together but those years have not been kind. Since they got together they've been plenty of physical fights, arguments and times when she would call my parents to pick her up from their apartment because the fighting was too much. I adore my nieces and nephews with everything in me. I just hate their father. About two years ago when I was living away from home with my nephew on say, I got a call saying Belle was in hospital with severe injuries and needed surgery. My mum told me that her boyfriend had beaten her with a hug. Sorry guys, I'm calling in. My mum told me that her boyfriend had beaten her with a hammer in their home, chattering her knee and her nose. My nieces and nephews were in the room when this was happening and heard saw everything. They had to talk to a social worker, the police and leave my parents for a bit and everything that happened traumatised them. They were left him then and didn't get back together with him for about six months. When they got back together everything was the same. The fighting, the calls, the hospital visits. Flash forward to about five months ago. Belle has to get surgery on her wrist because she said she felt down the stairs. My nephew, who's only three and a half and pretty articulate, is the one who told my family that his father had pushed my sister down the stairs. Then four months ago my mum gets a phone call from Belle's friend saying my sister's boyfriend had stabbed her in her leg. When my mum called Belle she said she wasn't going to tell us because it's not a big deal. A lot of other things have happened between them but there's too much going to detail about. It's going to the point where my nieces and nephews cry bloody murder when they have to go home from my parents, my house because they hate their home so much. My nieces beg the police more than once because they don't want to stay there. If everything going on imagine my surprise when two weeks ago Belle came to my house with a wedding ring on her finger. She is unfortunately married to the man who has been abusing her all of these years. I'm so conflicted over it, it hurts. I've congratulated her but it's so hard for me to be supportive no matter how happy she seems to be. Going back to what I said earlier about differences in parents, my mum was a different person and my sister was younger. A person who also suffered from intimate partner violence with my brother and sister's biological fathers. With that in mind I understand the cycle that Belle is going through and being a graduate student for clinical psychology I also understand the statistics and history behind intimate partner violence. It's so hard to watch my sister go through this when I know that she deserves the world of more but she's not going to get it from him. This is my dilemma. I'm engaged in my fiancee and we've been together for six and a half years. Three days years he's seen a lot of what my sister has gone through and because of that he also hates her husband. But planning our wedding and going through the guest list and one thing is glaringly obvious, Neville of us want this husband at the wedding. She is my maid or matron of honor and I want my niece and nephews in the wedding so of course she's going to want to invite her husband but there are so many reasons I don't want him there. To name a few, I don't like how she is around him too. I don't like how I feel when he's around. I feel Ikean dirtier. I don't want to feel any of that my wedding day. And three is an abuse I hear I don't respect. I'm told because this is my wedding day. The one day I can be completely selfish in my wishes to make everything go smoothly. My fiancee's a nice big day. But me being completely selfish may push her all the way and I may not have her next to me as I walked down the aisle into my new chapter. I want her and her children there so much but it just doesn't feel right in my heart to have him there. No, but all the things he's put my sister and her children through. It feels wrong to me and it hurts knowing that if he's not there, my sister won't be there with me either. My wedding is next October so I'm giving myself onto the end of summer, maybe even this October to think it over before coming to bed with my thoughts and feelings. I would really love to hear your advice in this matter. I've asked my mama, she simply said, but that's her husband. I've asked my future mother in law and she's rightfully worried about what he may do to her if he's uninvited. I've mentioned it to my siblings and fiancee and none of them want him there. I'm torn. Thank you so much for reading this and it was a long run. So if you made it this far, you guys are the realist. I'm excited to hear your thoughts on this. Oh, this is really tricky. Well, actually, it's not. I mean, I think it is, you know, I think because I think like your future mother in law said, you could be like, he's not invited. I don't care. Yeah. That kind of man would hit her. Yeah, absolutely. He would definitely blame her. He'll blame her. What have you been telling your family? Like, you don't know what violence she might be faced because of that. But also that's the thing and someone who's capable of that level of violence, just don't know. We don't want it to escalate. It's very much. This is not, this is insane. She's had surgery because of his violence. She's done all of this. And even the fact that I think she married him unbeknownst to you guys is a form of abuse. What do you mean none of her family? What do you mean I only knew because she's turned up to my house with the ring? So there's all of that as well. And like, great, unnewed being a sister who's been understanding. I think it's really easy to judge women who don't leave. You've got kids. Why are you put your kids with a way? But it's deeper than that. What's the status? It's seven times. It takes a woman that's been abused seven times to actually actively leave. And nearly there was so much going on that you guys don't know about. You don't see those the poor babies who have to see this and witnesses. Even if at that three and a half year old can be like, oh, yeah, daddy push me down the stairs. It's so sad. So sad. And I'm always stuck when it comes to domestic abuse and violence because what do you say? Because again, you want to keep that person close. Yeah. To the point that it can still call you like because if you're in it, then that's when that person's one because once I get to a point where the abuse and noise, I don't have anybody. We've all. Exactly. And it's such a mad thing because obviously life has to go on. Do you not mean like, but it just feels like, oh, I don't know if this is going to sound a bit mad, but I'm going to say it. I just, I, if my nieces and nephews year witnessing this level of abuse, to me life can't go on. I'm like, I just feel like we've got much bigger. I think like to me, the even the fact that we've even got down to the invite thing, it feels, it feels small in the grand scheme of things like the, the meek there's no part of me that could know that this is going on. And just do life. Do you know what is I think is because obviously this is something that's been happening for years. Is that everyone's kind of. Yeah, because what's the, I don't think it's desensitized to it, but it's like, should I not get mad because this is being abused. And I don't know. And I know it sounds like a wild sentence to say, but like we're here. We're active. We're telling you to leave. We're in time you leave. We give you a hand to stay in when you call us out at the hospital. So does that mean? I don't think if I said to you like, hey, this is happening with my family. And I'm not allowing myself to be happy because you deserve to be happy. You deserve to get to pan your wedding. You deserve to have the little things. And and I get what you're coming for because it's me and all your very Christ, so I simple, when my sister, if you feel something's not right in my world, like my sister could tell me that I know husband going to argument. I start like, oh my god, I start panicking because I'm just like, I don't want her sadness. Exactly. Let alone if there was a world where someone was, I think I want to kill this man. Honestly, I just, that's what I feel. I think I actually want to find out my story. This man genuinely, like, I'm really struggling with what to say because and I think it you're right. I think it is because of the closeness that I have with the bling. There's just I can't function. So you can't think someone can't sit at the wedding. You can't actually not function. Like when like my sister was in a toxic relationship and she would like be happy for me to say this. And when she was in that relationship, I could not function. And it wasn't physical. It was emotional abuse. And it felt like it was happening to me. I can't and I'm the kind of person when it comes to my family and I'm just like, oh, good, I'm not good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, like I cannot, like I can't. And I get some people can compartmentalize and I totally agree you're not wrong from moving on with your life and doing all of that. But I physically have no advice because I that wouldn't be my issue. If my issue wouldn't be the invite thing, my issue is my nieces and nephews. Like I just there's just no world in which my nieces and nephews can witness that. And I just can't like I genuinely don't have anything to say. But if you were like during that time, there's still was being in that relationship and that was let's just say in the world that was the time you was getting married. So what would you would you pause your like what? You still have to look like I completely get where you're coming from. It's yeah, I yeah, I mean, I don't know that I don't know. I don't know. I don't even invite him. No, no, no, definitely not. I don't think I would have but again, I think for me, my priority would have because this is physical. Like my thing is the kids. It's the kids. No, no, it's it's it's I just I just like it's the kids. I just I just I just can't I just can't I'd like I need that neat that'll just have to be my focus. Yeah, that's my advice like that because I have to be just keep it about that would be my focus. It's like everything is on pause right now because there's no and again, I'm not saying you're not wrong. I'm just saying that because of the relationship I have with my siblings, they can't be there's not a world in which I can get I can't consume - I can try it on over then. - No, I can play it on the sandwich. - No, I can't. - I just don't think this is the first time. Obviously, it's not the first time this man has hit this woman. And clearly as a family, they must be so many versions of them consistently. Like, please leave him. Like, I don't think it's a thing of, this just happened my wedding is next week. - No, definitely not. - But I think it's one of the few years and years of this. I don't know if you can stop your life because there's been years. And this has been years of abuse. We've been with him, which is I 15? - 15 years. - For 15 years, I've been going through this. If that's the case, I can call because she's been getting a beautiful 15 years. I don't do anything. She would have not been anything. She did not have the relationship. She would have not got with her partner because she would have spent her whole life polls because her sister's going through, she's going through, which I completely understand and what is valid. But I think there is duality in life. Like, your payment is sick and you can't be like, I'm not doing anything. - Do you get what I mean? - No, I just got like this cancer. I'm not doing anything. That's what you want to do. That's what you do. But all that matters right now is focusing on this. It just a life that's just not work like that. You have to have duality of the life. Okay, cool. This horrible thing. Like I was saying it that the week, the worst things happen to one person and the best things happen to one person. All of these things coincide. So I get what you mean to be like, yo, I know you want to get married, but like your sister's going through this. But it's been 15 years. It didn't happen yesterday. Like, if it was that my bedroom was on Saturday, I must have got beaten up on Wednesday. I do think you could be like, wait a minute, you've got things to sew out. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. But I do think if it's in the long path of 15 years and we've been fighting her, crying with her, pleading with her, trying to be there for her. And she, not only is she not left, she's not fully committed to him by marrying him. Cause for years, that was her boyfriend. Yeah. Which is easier to leave. Now she's married and she's like, we need children with him. As sister is deep in abuse. This is like, God forgive me. This is one of those things that is like, is it until he kills you? Yeah. He beat you up with a hammer. And that could be the reason. Get surgery and you're not coming. You have to get surgery and you went back. Someone beat you with that. Like I said, where has sister's at? That's somewhere different. That's that's somewhere different. You know, I don't think that's a thing of all intervention. Mum and dad said, is she come home? And then you did it. Yeah. I think that is so far gone. I don't, I don't know how those things, that's one of those things that is not until one day she wakes up and is like, oh, it's enough. Because someone when it takes them to realize, oh, okay, it's enough now. I'm done. Oh, he does one thing and the grand scheme of things he might feel little compared to the beaten. But it's the one thing that's like, oh, no, this is enough. And for someone who grew up seeing, how mum get beaten up, maybe she assumes that's what it means for men love you. They beat you up. There was a generation of people who believed that if a man is not jealous, if he doesn't hit you, he doesn't love you. If he doesn't have some anger towards you, you don't think he doesn't love you. Anyway, that's not the dilemma. Your dilemma is should you invite him to the wedding? And I think that's what I'm finding hard because my thing would be like, no, well, would you want that man in that space? That's whole boat ill, absolutely no. But if it means my sister might not be there. If it means my sister might be beaten up. I think I'll do my thing. Yeah. That was my thing. Because initially my thing was like, no, I'm not going to reward because that feels like almost enabling him by being like, you could still be involved in family things and like, you've got to take a stance and stuff like that. But this is like, literally a matter of life or death. Yeah, like it's not someone that he shall attack her. Like, I'm not saying like it's like a lesser, but like he hit the beat with a hand. Like I can't in front of the kids. What this person pushed her down the stairs? What this person is capable of? Because this kind of person will be like, what were you even telling your family? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, this thing she's getting hit in their face. No, I have to stick to my guns. I have nothing that I have to intervene. Like I have to do something. I can't, it doesn't matter whether it's been 20 years. So you won't get married? I have nothing to give because I cannot enjoy my, I just can't. I just wouldn't be able to, it's too like my niece is a nephew who's a witness in that. But I hear what you mean. I just, I genuinely, like I've got her mind blocked. I don't know. I honestly, I don't know. I do not know what to say, but I think that the safe, the safe, like logically, the safest thing to do is to let him come. I think. Because you don't want to, you don't want your system to sit on the deck. You don't want to aggravate him even more. But then I just feel like everyone, and your sister is not included in this because she's a victim. And none of this is like within her control. But I feel like it's a form of enabling. I just, I don't, I don't want to go under the assumption that the family haven't tried absolutely everything. Yeah, this is what even with me assuming that they've done everything in their power. And I believe that they have. But I don't believe that you can acknowledge that your niece is a nephew is a witness in that. And we haven't tried absolutely everything. But outside of like pooling the social services on my own family, like I have to do everything in my power. So I genuinely, because of how I am, I don't know what to say. Because I genuinely just couldn't fathom. And again, you're not, I'm not saying you're wrong for this because again, this is under the assumption that you've tried absolutely everything. But my niece is a nephew's can't witness that. My niece is, and even if she doesn't, the kids have got to go something, something, I think something's got to, something's got to give. You were tired. Look at you talking about your imagination. This is someone's childish, she's letting them see that. Like, do you know what I mean? How much more can I, when the mother is letting them see that? Because a lot of the times when you're getting there, when you hear about beautiful relationships, the women, when it starts coming to my children, they're like, you know what? I need to wake up, this is too far. But if they're like, what I can do is when in time, they're allowing me a loud, a safe space. Again, worst case scenario, I call social services. Like, because I can't, but then that means your sister hates you. And blah, blah, blah, blah. It's just like it implores the whole family. But that's what I call a social services. Yeah, if my sister can hate me for my kids being taken out of the environment. She'll figure it out. We'll make it up one day. Yeah, one day she won't understand that. One day we'll make it up. Yeah. But what I will do with this situation with the invite is, I will, I will broach the conversation with my sister. I'll be like, hey, I actually feel really, because it's not going to be a shock to your sister that you like hate this man. No one's going to be like, wait, what? She knows for facts that everybody hates him and nobody wants to be around him. So you said me like, I feel really uncomfortable with him being at my wedding. And I think by the way you react, you'll be able to read the right thing to do. Like, I don't want him there. I'm going to feel very uncomfortable. You know how I feel about him. La la la la blah, he's hurt you. I hate that he's hurt you. blah, blah, blah, blah. And I think she will give you the answer in her thingy. And I feel really bad, so I don't want to sound like I'm judging, because I'm really not. I'm genuinely fighting for my life to come up with. Like, because when I give advice on your receipts, it's always in my place of what would I do. Yeah, yeah, of course. So I really don't want to see him judge it. And again, I want to reiterate before people start chatting shit, you're not wrong for living your life. You're absolutely not wrong. I'm just saying for me, the way my mindset works, I just, I wouldn't be able to compartmentalize that. And I am the biggest compartmentalizer of life. And I can compartmentalize anything, like anything, but I just wouldn't be able to do it. So I'm just really, really struggling. And I'm not judging you at all. And I can't even imagine like what that is like to carry this and know this. And if I feel this way, I can only imagine how you feel. So my empathy is one that so deep on absolutely every level, but I just can't get past that block of what, of the advice to give base of the invite thing. 'Cause I just can't get past it. And I'm really, really, I'm really trying. But Tolly's got to bang on, speak to your sister and kind of let her make the decision for you. So at the end of the day, it is her life, ultimately. And I think that her being there by your side, like when someone is in such dire situations, this might be the one good thing that she's looking forward to. - Yeah, exactly. - And now you want to take that away from her. And it's just like, if she has no control over anything else in her life, being there for you might be the one thing and being by your side on your big day. And now you're gonna strip that off her. That also feels really important. - Also, Ginny was, well, I don't want to put myself in a situation where I'll watch my sister pick him over me. Because if I say to her, "Hey, he's not coming, she's like, oh, I can't come." - Exactly. - And I know she might be doing that 'cause I feel her safety, blah, blah, blah, blah. But to watch, to be in a position, but where I'll watch, 'cause I've been every day she's with him, she's picking him over everybody that loves her and she loves. But I think to watch her actually be like, then I can't come to you, I didn't. I think that would break my heart. - Yeah, and that would add a whole lot of. - Yeah, yeah, that's a whole other way. - So I feel like I'd even be scared when I'm in that situation. - But this is hard. - Yeah, this is hard. - You've got some time, where does the two next year, I'll tell you about congratulations in you. - Yeah, exactly. - Engagement, but like, yeah, I can't. I don't have an answer. I would talk to her and be like, this makes me really comfortable with the fact that I might have to invite him. And then I'll go from her reaction. - Yeah, let's give her some power back. 'Cause I feel almost full-sac. Also, people in this situation, everyone is running around making decisions for them and taking away their autonomy. And I think give her autonomy as well. So that was really, that was deep. - Fuck, that's hard. - That was properly deep. That was properly deep. - Oh, God. - Next dilemma. - Next dilemma. - Okay. - Hi, girls. - Hello. - Before I start my dilemma, let me just beg it for a second. I'm 24 and I've been listening to you guys since, oh my God, I thought that's, I thought she said, I was four. - I'm 24. - I've been listening to you guys since you were a four or since you were a four. You've got to be through A levels, a two degrees and now two years into my career. You have kept me company through all the lonely times and long drives. I don't know what I would do without you guys making me laugh out loud every single week. Audrey, I saw that you tweeted that you need to stop laughing at dilemmas. Please do not. When you guys laugh, I laugh. The lip balm dilemma had me find on the M1. That was funny. for the other one. So for context, I'm using with my boyfriend of two years now almost three in September and after doing long after doing long distance for a year, I literally do not have a bad word to say about this man and how he treats me. He is literally perfect. Apart from one thing, our sex drives are completely misaligned. 99% at the time it just feels like we're best friends which is amazing and everything you want for a forever partner and I still also want to feel a sexual connection. We still kiss and cuddle but not anything sexual, purely just affectionate pecs etc. We have sex maybe once every seven to ten days. I feel like since we've moved in together and both working all the time it's just got so easy to get comfortable. Even when we do go on dinner days we don't always come home and have sex. I feel like I've tried everything and I'm starting to think I just need to accept that this is how it's going to be. I've put on nice underwear nothing crazy just matching lace hair as I'd be way too embarrassed to go all out and then be rejected drop subtle hints and even set out right I'm horny and he just laughs. Not at the underwear at the comments. Girls help. I even sometimes wink when he leaves the house. If I lived alone I'd probably do that every day so having sex only taught is making me very frustrated. This makes me feel like a naughty teenager. I'm a grown woman living with her partner for the first time and she'll be doing it all the time. Not wait until he leaves the house. When we do have sex it's good about half of the time because we have it quite infrequently. It means he doesn't last very long so I'm just not fully in the moment. It feels restricted because we can't do different positions or new things because it will be over too quickly. Also because it happens so infrequently I feel like I'm more agitated. I don't know if this is a universal thing but having sex is just a proper release for me and it makes me feel so connected. It's so important in a healthy relationship and helps reconnect after stressful times. My first question is what is a normal frequency to have sex? I know there's not one specific number but I feel like at 24 living together for the first time it should definitely be more frequent. My friend just had a baby and they're having it more than me. My second question is am I being unreasonable? I respect the fact that people have different sex drives but this is the best I'm ever going to look and I look good. So how can he not be bothered? Hello. Hello. I didn't really fancy my ex that much and it meant I didn't really want to have sex often so I can't help but think his lack of drive is a reflection of his sexual attraction for me. He has never ever made me feel insecure and I know he finds me attractive but it's just whether he finds me sexually attractive if that makes sense. Have you guys ever been in a similar position either a higher or lower drive than your partner? Overall I feel it's unfair to keep bringing you to art because at the end of the day I don't want to force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I would expect the same if it was the other way around but at the same time I don't know if I can just secretly wink most times I'm home alone for the rest of my life. Looking forward to hearing your opinions and advice I need to spice up my life before I start withering away. Not dramatic at all. I'm not even wanting it every day. I'd be satisfied with twice a week if it was more than 10 minutes. Thank you girls. Love you always. She didn't mention ever being outside of I'm horny I want to have sex all sex and they were being like hey I don't think we have sex enough. That wasn't a thing that had been done right? No she hasn't said that. I think all other relationship issues is really easy to be like hey babe I don't like it when you do the people say it more but we're sex I was like okay I'll just go I'll just move to him and see what happens but I think in the lack of horningness in the in the all of a normal everyday I don't think we have sex enough or I would like to have sex more. Flat out single no no I'm trying to move to you I'm like hey I would like to have sex more. The hints are not hinting. Yeah yeah yeah like I want to have more sex and I don't think we have enough sex and it's bothering me. Yeah I agree I think I said it too much like sometimes when you go I have to think of myself I have to I have to come on and I live with my man right yeah you shouldn't have to be you shouldn't be masturbating more than you're getting the real thing when you live with the person and you share a better than every single day. Yeah very little secret you're better maybe. Yeah and I think that yeah I think you're right I think it needs to be flat out communication that you need to just like be very explicit in more ways than one and I think that yeah because you didn't mention having explicitly like hold it up in a conversation to let him know so yeah I think that that's the starting point that's the starting point and I don't think you're asking I don't think you're being unreasonable at all you're saying you know twice a week is absolutely doable. Yeah do you know I mean she's saying that because they do it so irregularly that man is quick yeah so maybe there was a wild and but she also wants it as well do you know I mean so clearly he's the attracted to you in on that in that way because he's able to get it up and he's able to finish the process so I think that definitely speak to him I don't think you're being unreasonable because usually I give all the spiel about oh you know this is life and yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but you know you have to write your write the rules to your life the way you want it to be like if you want to have a very high highly charged search for a relationship you've got the right to have that whether he is just not that way inclined or whether it's something that you can work on that's a whole different thing that's only going to be figured out through communication at the end of the day and I'd be interesting to know like how things were before they moved in do you know I mean where you at it like rabbits before and it's just dwindled because maybe because I feel like when you live with someone there's always that thing with this always tomorrow yeah yeah yeah yeah I mean there's always tomorrow there's always tomorrow there's always tomorrow and especially when everyone's tired and like for some people sex isn't a release like for some people it's really something that they want to is this work because you know I mean people want to put their back into it and like he might be one of those guys that's like well obviously he's not but some people are like if I'm not going to give it to you good I'm not going to give it a tool kind of thing but that's clearly not what he's doing because when he's given it to he's given it to you for 10 minutes yeah I mean but I definitely think a lot of this can be figured out through communication and yeah I think that you know if it is some if it is a thing whereby like you guys are just not sexually compatible that's a whole other conversation but for now right back but for now let's just unpack this issue and I think you just need to speak to him and just have a very frank and honest conversation with him and just like I always find it so good and then I'm meant underestimate our holy women and women underestimate how not all men can be they are and I think we are more than what we think yeah so does a dream yeah we always I'm sorry about a boy getting a large in class every second there will be a reason whenever yeah so we probably think that they're like sexually charged people that just want it yeah and that's the only bit I can show that they like you exactly yeah 100% all that they're cheating or whatever and honestly some guys yeah if they are tired they cannot perform it's it's very very simple and well they want to be above what what the sun to you yeah exactly yeah exactly like want to be respectful of your boundaries and blah blah blah and I just think that the hints that you might think that you're getting that you're giving you they may not be hinting they may not be landing sometimes I'm honing doesn't land exactly sometimes yeah because he might just think his banter yeah yeah or like even with you saying you were wearing the matching lace set he might just think you're doing it for you you know what we're doing stuff for ourselves we don't just do everything for men sometimes we do things for ourselves I do think sometimes men internalise things we say you know yeah and they do not mean so I but again I don't know exactly literally so I think that the only way is to chat to him yeah and in a very honest Frank sobel way of the hey babe like I don't think we have no sex oh I'd like to have more sex yeah actually say I'd like to have more sex give a solution more with the yeah and as a guy like it's not exactly a bad problem to have is it do you know what I mean if he someone who's actually compatible but again you won't find that until you won't know yeah yeah oh god you'll figure it out yeah yeah um hi tolly and ordry my babes first of all let me give you all your flowers thank you for being the big sisters I never knew I needed this is my first time writing it in and at that crossroads of my life and I need your unfiltered advice but if you unfiltered ordry I'm ready okay I'm a woman in a 25 to 35 age bracket and I've been with she's gonna be as a non-unmessable age bracket and I've been in my partner for over five years we've talked about marriage we've weathered a lot together and I do love him deeply we've had our share of issues some heavy some healing but we made a choice to keep choosing each other even when it's been hard it's nice on the surface was solid but in reality things have become comfortable complacent I thought this was just how life goes until I recently went in a trip and that flipped my entire world I met someone a woman and from the moment we connected it felt like my soul woke up her energy her mind a presence she speaks for part of me I didn't know existed I wasn't just a holiday fling and I'm not confusing in facturation for truth I've done that in a work the therapy the self-reflection and still I feel it in my bones she might be the one I never saw myself in the same sex relationship before but with her it's not about gender it's about connection it's a poor I can't explain I think I might be bisexual or safe here sexual I just know that what I feel is real the problem she's been seeing someone casually for about a year but she's told me she hasn't committed because something's always been missing she says with me she feels whole now here's why it gets complicated I'm African my culture is not accepting of same sex relationships and I know I could lose my family if I've seen this I'm also a Christian and I've been caring all the emotional weight that comes with that I don't see too but despite the chaos despite the risk I will still choose her if there was no consequences no judgment no fear I would run towards her in her heartbeat I don't want her I need her I've never felt this way before and I can't ignore it. But choose in her means walking away from the life I built, the man has loved me and possibly the family I've always known. I feel torn between a life that safe and known and the love that feels truth and fire. These helped me. Am I crazy for risking it all for this connection? Or is this the moment I finally choose me? This is a techie one. What? I feel like the way she describes the feelings for this woman. I don't I don't think you should, but I don't think it's something that can be ignored. And I feel like sometimes when I get it because culture and religion and stuff like that, it's so deeply ingrained in who we are, it's really hard sometimes to just live in the moment and sort of remove those ideologies that we have. Do you know, I mean, you know, the cultural things and all the rest of it, like, it's really easy to just be like, it's really easy to let that seep into everything we do. But I just feel like it your I think you're kind of just like running before you move. Okay. You know, I mean, so I I think I would explore I would explore the feelings and then what does that look like? I would explore the she said that the person that she is in love with is in a relationship. No, no, no, so the person just in love with she feels whole like she's seen someone, but they both they're both seen of a person, but they both feel like home completely each other. So it sounds like that person will leave that person in a heartbeat. Okay. So that's what she will do. That will she will drop out all the people she's in. Yeah. I think she owes I think you owe it to yourself to explore these feelings. Listen, the way you describe this woman, it's not, you know, that's like once in a lifetime type of feelings, but at the same time, I completely understand why, you know, your family and your upbringing and culture and religion, I completely get it. Like I'm from an African background as well. I know how these things, if I came home, I'm afraid in our culture, do you know what I mean? It's not the most accepting of things, but at the same time, I just feel like if that's going to hold you back, then you might as well surrender your whole life to those things. Yeah. Look, go back to but despite the chaos, despite the risk, I still want to choose her. You know the answer. If you come in here thinking, when it's going to tell you, oh, your religion says it's okay, it doesn't. Like it doesn't, it doesn't, your religion doesn't say it's okay. We're going to come and tell you that like, oh, Africans will understand they might not. So and you know that, like, do you know that to your very core, but you said despite all of that, you will still choose her. So I'm not here to pacify you and to be like, it's okay, your religion will understand, according to what we know and what how we've been brought up, it won't. And your culture might not understand either. Again, don't, I can't speak over there. Don't think less of your family, they might understand. Like as in you don't know what to do, you're in that position, they might be like, we're going to be still love you. We're still kept whatever. So don't, don't put them down already thinking, oh, they'll never get it because hey, the love for you, they have might override whatever they believe or whatever they think is right or wrong, whatever. So, but if that only problem was leaving your man, leave that man. Yeah, I know that sounds so wild, but he needs that man. Like you said, you probably like him a lot. He's a lovely person. He's never done you wrong. It's safe. It's comfortable. But I think because there are certain people who can live their life safe and comfortable right because they never got a hint of, but it could be this. Yeah. You've now got hint of what it could be this. If you stay with this man, for the rest of your relationship, you are going to be thinking, should I would have could have? Because you've experienced what should have could have been. You're even such a resentment. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything that's not. But also, we remember this new love, this new woman is this you might leave everything, but everything up and it doesn't work. So if you're going to do it, you can't, you also can't put all of that pressure into this new thing, is it's not fit on the new thing? Because you find the situation. Well, if it wasn't for you, ask to my family, it's going to be there. It wasn't for you. I still be with this thing of religion and faith. That's that is it's a personal battle that only you can deal with, you know, and only you can find the resolution in your heart. People, some people were found as some people have not found it is completely a personal thing. But the things with that losing your family, that's something you're going to put on that person if it doesn't work. So know that if you are going to do the best, if you're going to burn and be think down, you cannot blame them if it doesn't work. Yeah, you cannot be like you ruined my life. You have to decide that like in that moment, I wanted to feel I think sometimes all of them women ignore then want to feel. Because you feel like you should be just happy as it is. Yeah, it's fine. But it can also be amazing. Yeah, exactly. Good. Great things could be on the other side. Yeah. Not you just you won't know until you explore it. And I just think that whilst you explore it, don't necessarily think about how you're going to break this to your family. Because I feel like sometimes that will take away from the enjoyment side of it. And like then it may not even be a thing that you even end up having to explain. You don't know. Like it's very much like we will cross that bridge. You want to be get to it. But I feel like these feelings that you're talking about, they sound deep and they sound heavy. And I definitely think you should take it. Yeah. And like you said, you've done the work. You've done the therapy. It's not just a little girl being like, I'm really like how I'm going to quit. Like you, you've dug deep into this. Yeah. And if we were the final pit store of what of your thoughts and what should I do? I was going to fly me like, do it. Do it. Do it. If you're bad. Do it or don't do it with caution. Yeah. Do we have a day of caution? Yeah. tread carefully. Yeah. Yeah. Just go into it with an open mind. And yeah. But I think she does owe it to herself. I will say that. Yeah. But also there might be a world where everything else overwides it. Yeah. Exactly. If I feel like if I'm my whole life lived as a straight woman, if I met this, if I met a woman and I'm a god, I love her, whatever, whatever. I would continue to be straight woman. Yeah. It may just be like for me, everything I would have to go through would not feel worth it. Yeah. So also that there's also one where you're okay to be like, yeah, no. Yeah. Yeah. That's very much. Like this is an option to be like, yeah, I felt it. Yeah. But no. And again, caution is I might live the rest of my life thinking, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, hey, I should have would have couldn't have had a mile time. Sure, the would have could have changed your mind. And now I'm the let's get Beverly night on. Oh, yeah. She's another British. I get. Hi, my lovely. Hello. Firstly, thank you for everything. I've been listening for many years now. And I even came to a live show alone. It was so amazing. I appreciate all the love and guidance you both provide. I'll try to keep this short, but so in advance, if I don't, I found myself in a situation I never thought I'd be in. I found out my boyfriend has betrayed me and I've decided to stay with him. Some contexts I'm 24 and he's 27. We've seen each other since end of 2023. Things are pretty serious now and I genuinely love him a lot. He is loving, funny, caring and overall a great boyfriend. However, I found out he has messaged a girl he's to speak to. They texted recently and a few times last year I saw the messages and they were flirty and short conversations. Basically found out through some stalking and contacting her myself because I had a gut feeling. The most recent one was him reaching out and saying he appreciated her. She then asked him to prove it and he basically said he won't because things couldn't be like they were before. And he was just messaging to let her know. The previous conversations, but them speaking about why things never worked. He ghosted her and the conversations always ended with them on good times, but nothing came of it. It may sound dumb, but I believe the messages were the extent of it. And he never did anything physical with anyone. To add to this further, I found out last year he was messaging another girl. He saw around when we first started seeing each other. Similar thing except was on Snapchat. And again, flirty conversations. We spoke through this and I decided to give him another chance and things were going well until now. When I recently found out I ended things and we were broken up for around a week. I deleted everything related to him and through everything I had from him and the bin because I truly believed I would never get back with him. We then spoke in person and he seemed like such a different person. He was so apologetic and show genuine remorse. He was reflecting and being vulnerable, explaining why he did what he did, taking accountability and coming up with how he would make it better. Basically, he was saying he changed and was telling me exactly how he's going to do that and prove to me that it's worth giving this another chance. It's been a few weeks and he's honestly made big changes like doing a lot of inner work to address his insecurities. We've had many deep conversations to understand why he is the way he is and has shown his commitment to me and this relationship. A big part of me believes this is real and I'm generally a very empathetic and understanding person even though I'm hurting, I still deeply care for him and want to see him grow in our relationship recover from this. When the breakup happens, I told my girls of course and they were all so supportive. Now that we are back together, they understandably hate him and don't approve of us anymore. My friends and my partner being on good terms means a lot to me and my friends are my sister's for life so I can't imagine a world where they don't also adore my partner for me. I guess I just never imagined myself in the situation and I don't know if I'm being naive and stupid and saying I wish everyone else could see what I see in him. I truly believe that he's a great person who did some stupid things but I also can't stop thinking about what he did. I love him so much and I believe he can and is changing for the better. He always says how I bring out the best and he has intentionally making positive changes for himself and for me. I've really do see it. I just don't know if this is something I can forget and if I will have built up resentment for him as time goes on. Would the love of my life really hurt me like this? Am I dumb for giving it another chance? The relationship really does feel different. We're more vulnerable when I open with each other and this change version of him is so great but why couldn't it be like this in the start? Why did I have to go through all of this hurt? For him to realise it needs to change. I know my job is not to fix him but I also can't help but work through it to be with the man I love. I don't know if I'm too much of a lover girl. Oh please help. What do you think? Please help. I think it's definitely too far. I definitely do believe that hurt is still within you. You're still hurting from what you did and I think that's very normal and I think that sometimes we think that when we put someone on ice for a bit and then because we put them on ice for a bit and then we get back together that is supposed to be eradicated and it's supposed to go away and we're supposed to just pick up where we left off. No, there's always going to be remnants of that betrayal especially when it's still very fresh. I think you said that you were only broke up for like a week or something and you've got to remember this has been a couple of situations. I think that you do love him and I feel like those feelings are always at the forefront. The fact that you love them and miss them and want to be with them up at the forefront and then the second be set of feelings are behind and it's all the things that you remember that they've done to you and the two colliding is very, very tacky because they often do collide and you don't really cause a state of confusion and I just think that you're not over it yet and you're forcing yourself to want to be over it because you see the good in him, you see that he's committed to making a change and you can physically see that he's doing better but this thing is like the tape's still running in the background. But I think you need to give yourself some time. Like if you have decided that you do want to be with him and you stand in firm that decision, I think you need to understand that it's not just going to go away, these things take time and you have to give yourself some grace. I also think that your friends having the opinion that they do is also playing a part in it. Look, I hope you've written that email did what you needed to do for you because that was for you by the way. That was that was an email. You need to get it out. You need to blow it out into the world. There is nothing I'm going to say. Hey, that's going to make you leave this man. I can talk to Kingdom. About this that blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. You're not going to leave him. You want to see it through. You want the paint to have been worth it. You will like, okay, it was hard at first, but eventually you worked it out. Here's what I want you to consider that I love him that I miss him that I want to do better blah blah blah blah. Those are your feelings. The truth is he disrespects me. He talks to other girls. He doesn't do the things he's going to say. That's what the cool with it is. What layers around him is how you feel around him. If you break up, that means you have to go through the heart of missing him. Blah blah blah blah blah. Is there a world where people, people of state of people who have done them wrong and the person has changed for the better. Also, I'm not telling you that's not a possibility. But I have a rule we forgive him. I've always done it. I can't bring it up. If I said I'm taking you back, I've forgiven you. That resentment, there's no point me going back because you're going to make me sick. But you think there's a difference between because I don't think she's bringing up to him. I think she can't stop me. That's not the thing is it's not bringing up to him. It's maybe bringing up to myself all the time. Like, he does. He could be like, I'm one of the boys, incident of. That's not safe. That's not healthy. I actually do not believe what you're saying to me. There were people that I've done it. I'm like, I don't think you lied to me. And that's not in a naive way. That's because not everything they say is sweet and cushioned. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. Like, I'm like, I now don't believe anything you say to me. Or I'm now under the assumption that you're just there laughing at your phone. Who you texting? I'm under such a, you're getting your kicks off of someone else. So if I'm going to, for me to healthy, go back, I can't get thinking about it. Yeah, you have to just let it go. Because I'm punishing myself and I'm punishing myself because I don't want to go through the phase of breakup. Yeah. Yeah, you're just delaying. Break up hurts so much. If I'm just there, then I didn't have to deal with breakup because I can just deal with the way to get right and the comfort of where together regardless of how bad it is. That's how bad breakup hurts. And that's why you don't want to leave him because you're so like, God is going to be so hard because I love him so much. I'm going to miss him so much. But if the things are still be playing in your head over and keep a light of peace of mind, finally get your peace of mind. Yeah, exactly. And I just think because you're also saying that you see changes in him. So you do, I wish yourself to just move on. Yeah. Like, if you're going to see the changes in your real estate changes, you have to drop, you have to drop the memory of keep thinking about it. You can't bring it up anymore. And your friends like, they're going to text people love you. You told them this person should you miss it? Miss it. Why do I say miss it? Yeah. It's something like this person should you do badly. It's going to take them a while to see that like, it might take you a week to see, oh, he's been good for a week. And no, they couldn't need to see a year of goodness if they're like, I can't call back. We're back on just, I've got friends that they're going back to cheating partners. And initially, they're like, well, eventually, you know, I call all as well. Yeah. But it takes longer than the partner. The partner can be happy in two days of goodness. But as of when do you need to see it like a year or two or that? Who I think he's actually been the good man now. Yeah. So give your friends time like, they love you. Yeah. So yeah, I've loved you. Someone may want to feel you. It's going to be bad for them. Yeah. Like it's only right. Yeah. I agree. And there's also that thing of like when you forgive someone that you can't certainly tell them yourself you're being a mug. I think I mean, like that feeling never leaves you. It's so annoying because it's just like, no, where's my phone? Yeah, look at you. Like when I started to start that you never did. Yeah, exactly. I'm just like, where's your dignity? Like you actually said that you're just here. Massage. Look at you. Yeah. Oh, my God. Get it together. It's hard. It is very, very hard. But like Tully said, if you're going to forgive someone, you kind of just have to and that starts with yourself, do you know what I mean? Like you have to forgive them literally as they're not bringing up to them. Forgive them sort of figuratively, but not constantly letting it replay in your mind. Yeah. And it's a very hard thing to do, but you know, you've convinced yourself that he changed. You're saying that you've seen change behavior. So lead with that. It's not what you mean. Yeah. And that's what you're saying. And they allow yourself to be happy. And also if you feel safe enough to be in it, then be in it fully. And not just think any minute is going to think if you come back and you trust because I like as much as I'm not remember, I do believe that there is a world where someone can change and do better for you. I do believe that. I do. I've seen many relationships that are the she in its work. But yeah, I'm a good. I was hit at clip of that woman. So next to the man was a pastor. She said she's I in disguise for him. Yes. Very embarrassing. I've been as a. Yeah, it's bad. I want to do a deep dive into the religious psychosis that goes to people women, especially. And how they have how religion, mainly Christianity, because that's all I know, has convinced women to sit still during cheating times. How they've convinced women that they don't want to be able to be world soon. But the reward is never because the man loves you. Do we would it's because he's not tired? Yeah. Or you can't get me to know more. But I think that when people are that deep in that kind of level of disrespect, I think that oftentimes those kind of people, the one comfort that they have is having the one up on other women that they're married. But they'll be telling you God taught them to stay. Yeah, because of the marriage. So they can tell you it's all connected to the kind of like institution of marriage and how they champion that move and actually their self worth at that point. Like the idea, it doesn't matter what comes with this thing. I'm that. I still have a ring. I still have the highest form of relationship. Small small. You said you got into her. I don't believe God said there was something that they say to themselves to make themselves. Also, learn discernment. Learn what God's voices and what the voice of you. That's the voice of your head, ma'am. That's telling you that. So I don't believe that God would want that fear because the anxiety and the hurt and the pain that comes from that. I'm in his clothes to go fucking of a woman. And also, do you know what it's my thing is? Okay, I'm an idiot for this, but I eat a picture of what when he comes into the room and he sees me doing it and is like, look at this. Exactly. Yeah, he's just like, look at this. Because they don't respect you. He's like, I can do anything. Yeah. This big four. I didn't like that word. Big four. We're going in the clothes for me. They're not looking at you thinking, oh, that's such a good wife. They're just thinking, oh, I'm going to get it inside. I'm going to have a permission. This big, big idiot. And when you work up and chose, you didn't choose. You just got tired. Yeah. One of you exactly. Just, you know what it's got now. I've done it. The women stopped one in him. Yeah. It's going to go a bit like, yeah, I'm aged out now. That's not a good position to be in. That the Lord is told her to be ironing. And then you now said it publicly. Exactly. That should have been kept in house, mate. Often I think about that woman that one that husband was in the car and he was cheating on her, Derek Jackson. Do you know what I think? The bonnet of salvation lady. But then she came out and was talking about, oh, actually, Rimbosh didn't interview. Yeah, because when she realized that she was, yeah, because she was getting vlogs and lashings because she sat next to her bonnet on. If that were me, I would at least come out looking blind. I was going to stay with that man. As I was sat there, I'm looking like, like, you're paying for me to get my hair and make up done. I look like the very least people think. It's like stupid. The first thing stuff is so stupid. At the very least, I'm looking bang and then the whole time I'm giving you daggers. Exactly. That people are telling you, leaf, I should have killed you. Exactly. Or people don't think, oh my god, he did that to her because people are that stupid, wasn't it? Like, it's just so beautiful. - I shouldn't even have that. - But the thing is, wasn't the first time was a full-how history of him. - Yeah, the relationship was very popular. - So there was that. - But yeah, anyway, that's it. - That's all folks. - If you guys have any advice, actually I'd really love to hear some of the advice. - Yeah, because I was really lost about the relationship. - Yeah. - The relationship was very genuine. - So please comment, let us know what you guys think, give the community some help, some advice, some love. But yeah, it's been your girl, Toby T. - And just call me Audrey. - Oh, hi. - I don't want to think this is a tie that I have to up. - That's a piece of it. (laughing) - I am nothing. It's been a long day. (laughing) (upbeat music)