Your Complete Guide To Defining The Relationship (throwback ep)

(upbeat music) Hey guys, it's Carly. Welcome back to mostly dating. I hope everybody had an amazing weekend. So today I'm going to focus primarily on defining the relationship. This isn't a new topic over here. We've talked about it a lot before. If you're a longtime listener, you've heard my rant about the difference between being exclusive and defining the relationship, I'm not going to dive into that too much. I'm just going to focus on those weeks, months, whatever it is before defining the relationship and how you can use that time to really create an amazing foundation for the relationship that you want. Little clues and signs you can tune into that somebody might be ready to define the relationship and the things that I think you should know and do beforehand. So before you define the relationship, before you start calling this person your boyfriend, your girlfriend, however you define defining the relationship, one thing to know is that I do think that in a healthy long term relationship, you're going to continue learning about each other and growing individually and growing together over time. So it's not like a linear timeline checklist type of situation where I'm saying you must do every single one of these things and you must know each of these details about somebody before you define the relationship. This is just my advice. These are the things that I think will help set you up for a healthier, happier, long term, long-lasting relationship with the right person. So with the person that you really want to be with. So I think it can be really easy. I know it can be really easy when you're out there dating. Maybe you're frustrated, you're burnt out, you're overwhelmed. You feel like you're the only single friend. You are entering the dating scene after a long break, whatever it is. I think it can be really easy to sort of have this open slot in your mind that you really want to fill with this person and you're out there, you're looking for them. Maybe you swiped a lot, you've gone on a lot of dates and you find somebody who seems like they're checking all your boxes and so you just want them in that spot. You want to fill that position of your boyfriend or your girlfriend or your future husband or whatever you call your partner. You want to fill that spot. And so it can be really easy to get ahead of yourself. And that's why I've done episodes on future tripping and how to sort of slow down and enjoy those early stages. And one of the reasons for that is of course, because that's a fun time and that's the start of the honeymoon phase, the beginning of the relationship. It's like if this does end up being your person and you end up getting married to them, if that's your goal, you're going to look back on those months, weeks, years in the beginning where you were just having fun and things were a little bit less serious. And maybe you have kids eventually and you look back at that time when it was just you two. And it's like, why was I rushing so much? So that's one of the reasons why I do believe you should really try to like, savor that time and not future trip. But another reason is because I think that that time is so important for laying the groundwork, getting to know each other, figuring out if this actually is the person you want to be with or if they just are checking some boxes and you want to fill that position. Because yeah, that might save you some time and that might get you in a relationship sooner if you just sort of like, I don't like to use the word subtle, but if you just really settle and put someone in that position who's willing to be in it and you just make it work. But it's not going to be the right relationship. And you might end up breaking up down the road and you might end up overlooking red flags and you might end up in a relationship defining the relationship with somebody who you don't really know and who you don't really know what it will be like to be in a relationship with. And then you might end up surprised and annoyed and frustrated and back at square one. So it's better to take a little bit more time in my opinion. And no, I'm not going to give you a strict timeline for when you should define the relationship or when all these conversations should be had or when these milestones should be hit because I really do think it's different for everybody. I know some people who have to find the relationship after a month. I know some people who have been in that like talking dating stage for six months. I personally fall in the middle of that. I think I defined my relationship with my boyfriend around three months. We started dating in January 2023. And then that March, we defined the relationship. I have mentioned on here before we were exclusive before we defined the relationship. So he brought up exclusivity, I think, on our third date, which was a little bit early for me because I was viewing that as the same thing as defining the relationship. And it just seemed like really soon. But then once he explained the difference between the exclusivity and defining the relationship. And that suddenly became such a big thing that I was hearing about everywhere. I did like the idea of being exclusive with somebody and just knowing that you were only dating each other, but still taking that time to get to know the person on a deeper level and figure out what a relationship with them would be like before you technically define it or put a title on it or whatever phrase you want to use for the purpose of this episode. I'm using the phrase defining the relationship, which in my opinion, it means deciding to be each other's boyfriend or girlfriend, deciding that you want to be in a committed long term relationship. And another thing to mention is that I don't think or I know, neither of you should have to feel like you're jumping through hoops to get the other one to commit to a relationship. So if you feel in your heart that you're ready to commit to this person and define the relationship and they are too. And then you realize in your head, oh my god, we didn't do number four on Carly's list of things to do before defining the relationship. That's not what I'm like giving this advice for. What it boils down to is just getting to know each other on a deeper level. And there are the obvious things like going out and dates, getting to another personality, figuring out if you feel compatible with them and then just that inexplainable feeling that tells you you want to be in a relationship with them. But then there's a more subtle or less talked about things that I think can really help with all of the above and help you determine if you want to be in a relationship with this person, how successful it will be and really what it will be like. So number one on that list is seeing each other in your natural environments. I've talked about this a little bit on the podcast. I think it's so important to hang out and spend time with somebody without a set activity. Yes, I love dates and I love going out on dates, especially in the early dating stages. I think there's so many important types of dates to go out on, which is a whole different topic. But I also think you can learn so much about somebody by just being together with nothing on the agenda. And honestly, anybody can put an effort to plan a great date. But can you enjoy to this company just hanging out, like sitting side by side, working from home or hanging out at night and watching TV or spending the day together and just sort of seeing where it takes you. Like there are so many things that will come up in all those different scenarios that will really help you get to know the person. And if we're being honest, most of your relationship isn't going to be a planned date. Most of it is going to be if you do end up spending the rest of your life together, being with each other long term, you're going to be spending a lot of time together that isn't planned and where you're just meshing your lives together and like living side by side with each other together. And so those early hangouts where nothing's planned and you're just seeing each other in your natural environments can be really telling for how that will be. And no, you're not going to feel as comfortable with them as you will six months from now or two years from now or 10 years from now. But it's going to be the first step in getting to know what their lifestyle is like. Another thing that's really similar that I just threw on this list because I think it's so helpful. And in my opinion, like crucial, watch TV together. So if you're listening and you're rolling your eyes and you're like, I hate TV, it's terrible. Then don't do this. Like, well, if you don't watch TV in your regular day to day life, then you don't need to watch it with your potential partner. But I do think that watching TV with a new partner opens up so many doors to learn things about them. Like what type of TV did they like? Whatever show you're watching, movie you're watching, it's going to spark conversations. There are-- I mean, personally, maybe I'm weird. But my boyfriend and I can't get through a single show or movie without like, pausing it and like, diving deep into like some topic that's that we're watching or after it will talk for a little while about it and it will bring up all these different topics and I'll learn like different perspectives that he has and to believe that he has. I'm learning new things just because we watched a show that brought up a topic that I never would have thought to bring up. And I think that that can be really helpful in the beginning when maybe you don't feel comfortable bringing up a topic or maybe you're just like overwhelmed and you're like, I don't know how to get to know this person. What questions do I ask? Which yes, I have a lot of posts on questions to ask. And there are with ways that you can get to know somebody without watching TV with them. But I do think it's like a really, really helpful thing to do. And it falls hand in hand with seeing each other in your natural environment and hanging out together without like a set date. Another one that I think is extremely important is meeting the people that you spend most of your time with. So maybe that can be a close knit group of friends. Maybe that's your family if you see your family a lot. This is one that like I teeter back and forth on and I know it gets really controversial whenever I post about it. There's a lot of comments that strongly agree. Depending on what your timeline is with one, you're defining a relationship and one you're like eager and ready or whatever to do that, maybe you won't meet every single person they're close with. Maybe you won't meet any of their family. Like maybe those things will happen after you define the relationship. But I strongly strongly believe it's important to least me a couple people that they're close with. I think that seeing somebody around their friends, their family, the people that they love and have these like strong relationships with can be so so helpful to see what they're like and see how they interact with them and see how they treat the people that they've been close with for a while. So that's like one reason why I think it's really important. I also think it's really important because if that's somebody that's integral in their life and that they spend a lot of time with, if you guys are going to be together a long term, you're going to be spending time with that person too. So yes, as we are in committed serious relationships, I think our friendships and relationships with other people shift and change and evolve and maybe you won't be spending as much time with that person as they used to when they were single, but they'll be in your life and I think it's important to get to know those people early on. I also think that goes both ways because I think that it tells you a lot about somebody the way that they act around your friends and the people that are important to you and how they show up around them and how willing they are to be around them, even like how eager they are to get to know them and how interested they are and the people that you have strong relationships with and that are important to you. So like for example, I feel like when I first started dating my boyfriend, he asked a lot of questions about different friends that I would mention and different family members and he like really genuinely wanted to get to know them and want to learn about them and I was the same way and those things just kind of came naturally because we were with interested in getting to know each other better and a really great way of doing that is getting to know the people that we've spent the most time with. Another one is talking about sex. So we have full episodes on this, how to talk to your partner about sex, different ways to improve your sex life, all sex focused episodes. I can actually link those we have an amazing one. It was back when I was co-hosting the podcast with my former co-host Mia and it was with Emily Morse who was an expert on all things sex and dating and relationships and it was an amazing, amazing episode so I will link that but this is something that some people maybe you don't want to have sex or be physically intimate before you define their relationship or whatever your timeline is with when you want to have sex. I still think it's important to talk about it. So talking to somebody about sex can be uncomfortable even if it's somebody that you are literally having sex with, it can still feel uncomfortable to talk to them about it and that's totally normal but the more you avoid it and the more you sweep it under the rug and treat it as this like hush hush topic, the more uncomfortable it's going to feel and you're going to end up in the relationship with this person for six months, a year, six years, ten years, twenty years and you guys are never talking about sex and trust me your sex life will ebb and flow and change over that time, especially if you're together for like the long haul and you have kids and you get older and whatever it's going to change and there's going to be even more of a knee to talk about it and like any difficult topic or anything that's difficult to do, the sooner you start doing it, the easier it will become. So if you open up a dialogue about sex and I'm not saying you should ask them all about their sexual preferences on your first date but if you're opening up a dialogue about sex with somebody early on and that's somebody that you intend to be in a relationship with and you're attending to have a sex live with, it's going to make things way easier for you down the road and you guys are both going to feel so much more comfortable and you're going to have a better sex life. So I think just creating that open communication from the start helps your communication in all areas and it helps enhance that part of your relationship. So whether you're waiting to have it or you've already had it, just start talking about it and bring it up and there are a lot of ways you can do that. I also have posts on topics to talk about about sex before having sex with somebody or questions to ask somebody and like I said we have multiple episodes so I can link all of those in the show notes and I can talk more about it if you guys are interested in this topic. There's also a conversation deck. I know I always talk about conversation decks on here and specifically usually I'm talking about actually curious which is one of my favorite just like general getting to know each other conversation decks but there's one called Wonderlust. We had the founder of this company on our podcast. I might have been like a couple of years ago at this point but that's more of an intimacy related deck where it'll ask questions that are related to sex and intimacy and that can be like a very very fun and interesting and helpful thing to do with a partner early on. Especially like I said if these topics just don't come naturally to you which trust me they don't come naturally to a lot of people so using a card deck like that can be really helpful. I'll put that link in the show notes as well. I might have gotten a discount from them actually that I can give to you so if I hopefully I do and if I do I'll put that in the show notes as well so you can order that deck. Trust me nobody is going to complain if you're like let's play with this intimacy deck. That sounds like a really fun Tuesday night in my opinion. So fun way to spice up those early days of the relationship and just get to know each other and build that communication. Another one that might be controversial. Something else I think you should do before defining the relationship is have a little bit of conflict. So hear me out. I'm not saying that you should create conflict. Definitely don't like cause drama. I try to make them jealous or like I don't know just like spark a fight out of the blue but let it happen. If a conflict or a disagreement is arising or they say something you don't agree with or there's something that you feel like you need to bring up to them that's bothering you. Don't shy away from bringing things up or voicing your opinion even if it's early on. I personally don't think you should disagree with every single thing they say and like pick apart everything they say and make everything into a debate. That would be a big turn off for me and that's probably a red flag. If you feel the urge to start a debate off of every single thing that they say it's probably not somebody you should be with but I think that having a little bit of disagreement and figuring out how you both work through it and how you handle that. How they handle you disagree with something that they say. How they handle you bringing up something that bothers you can be really really really helpful. It's sort of like what I said about talking about sex early on and how that makes it easier to talk about it in the future. Having conflict early on and working through it even if it's like a small disagreement or a tiny little bump in the road that makes you more well equipped to deal with conflict down the road and it also tells you a lot about them. So just let that happen naturally and clue into it and also keep in mind that that's something you can always work on. So it's definitely a red flag if there's like screaming and yelling and somebody is not acting respectful then okay that teaches you this is not your person. I strongly believe that but you also shouldn't expect to have like this most seamless conflict resolution from the start because communication is something that you're always working on and should always be able to grow and build over time but you need to both want that and you should both be respectful and respect each other's boundaries and all of those important things. And then a couple of other things be clear on your expectations and what you're looking for. So that's something you should definitely do early on. I think that this comes naturally in a lot of early dating situations. I think that especially today people are a little bit more comfortable asking each other what they're looking for or voicing what they're looking for which personally is what I think is the better method. I think you tell somebody early on if you're looking for a relationship and then they can tell you what they're looking for as well. And if you don't have those conversations before you define the relationship with someone then it's like what are we even here for? I think that a lot of people will have that talk of defining the relationship or being it's lucid and they don't really like define what that actually means and because there's like so many terms and so much like noise and so many different pieces of advice I think that somebody might be going into a relationship having one view of what that relationship means and another person in that same relationship can have a completely different view. So I don't think it's possible to be like too clear about what you want, the more clarity the better. You want to talk about those things like what commitment means to you guys, how you define cheating, what are like what do you want the relationship to look like? Like wow, often do you think you'll spend time together? Like what are your goals for the future for the relationship? Those are all things that I think should definitely be talked about before defining the relationship and I think something that can really help you learn a lot about what somebody's looking for in a relationship and what a relationship might be like with them is sharing a couple of things about your past. So a lot of people have trouble talking about the past, a lot of people are nervous to ask about the past and it's because that can be triggering for a lot of people. We think about any trigger that you personally have. It's probably tied to something from your past that didn't go well. So it is definitely a difficult topic to explore for some people, for a lot of people, but I do think that it's important to share the things that will impact your relationship and a lot of times past relationships do impact present relationships and it doesn't even have to be like a relationship thing. Maybe there's something in their past about like a friendship or a family thing or just like a personal thing that like has a strong impact on how they show up in relationships. I think that those are things that should be shared and talked about early on before you define the relationship because it just again teaches you more about what it might be like to be with this person and helps you learn more about them. So all of those things I think are super, super important and you might be listening and thinking like oh my god this sounds like so much. It's so overwhelming. I'm never going to get to the point of defining a relationship, but so much of that happens naturally. So many of those conversations happen naturally. Things like watching TV together, seeing each other in natural environments, meeting the friends, talking about sets. Those things come up as the relationship and the dating phase is evolving and as you're moving forward. And once you get to the point where you feel like you're ready to define the relationship, it can just be really helpful to reflect back and think about all of those things. And I do want to add that list, just a few things that you should know. One of them ties hand in hand with the last thing I said about things about their past. I do think you should have a rough idea of their relationship history. You don't have to know the nitty-gritty details, but I think you should know maybe how long their most significant relationship was, why their last relationship ended, anything that they learned from those relationships, and how they talk about those relationships. So those are huge, huge telling factors that will help you learn more about the person and what they'll be like as a partner. I also think you should know what their lifestyle is like. And this is something that you learn through seeing each other in your natural environments, meaning their friends and things like that. But you might be like eight dates in with someone and feeling so eager to define the relationship. And maybe you guys have started talking about that a little bit and it's getting to that point. And then you realize you've been on eight amazing dates with them, but all you've done is go out on dates with them. Like what do they do during the day? What does their typical day look like? like from the time they wake up, the time they go to bed. These are important things. If this is someone that you're going to be like joining lives with and no, defining the relationship is not like signing a marriage license, but you are committing to spending a lot of time with this person and really like building into each other's lives. So I think knowing what that lifestyle is like and whether the two of your lifestyles currently mesh together or can mesh together or their lifestyle is something that you want to be a part of. Like that's really, really, really huge. And it's another layer versus just whether you guys have fun going out on dates together at night. You should also know what their values are. And this is something that you'll learn through having intentional conversations, asking the right questions and just generally spending more time together. So values is something that I definitely talk about a lot, but there's so much research that shows that couples with similar values and traits have more stable, successful, long lasting relationships and are happier together. And there's a difference between similar values and traits and similar interests and like the same hobbies and basically the same exact life. Like I don't think you need to have the same exact interest with somebody. You don't have to both love the same workout routine. You don't have to both love like the exact same food. You don't have to have this long list of things in common, but you should have the same basic values or similar values. And if you're not even sure if you're like, what the heck is a value, what are my values? I have no idea. I do have a post on values. I have this like a giant list of values. I started actually, I've talked about it on here before a while ago, I think, but I don't even remember when I started it. It was a few years ago. I started this note in my phone because I felt like I think it sparked from being asked this question. Like on dates, people were asking me like what my values were. And as I was doing like inner work and introspection and figuring out when I was looking for a relationship, the word values would come up so much. And I'm like, I don't even know what my values are, which sounds like such a dumb thing to say. I really didn't. And it's like, it can be a little overwhelming. So you're just like, how am I supposed to find someone with similar values? So I don't even know what mine are. So as I would like hear people saying their values and I read more about values and I did research about values, I started adding all of these different values to a note in my phone. And now periodically, I'll go look at it and I'll kind of just like see which ones I feel most connected with. So which of these terms or values is really at the core of how I live my life. And then I'll also like, I'll return to it and I'll make sure that like I'm making decisions based on what my key values are. I pick like three or four from this running list that I have. And I'm like, how are the decisions I'm making every day tying back to these values and how am I like living up to those values? And that made it a lot easier for when I started dating again. And I wanted to find somebody with similar values. It was like, I already knew deeply what my values were and I was making decisions based on that. And I was choosing people based on the way that they tied back to those values also and the way that a relationship with them lined up with what those core values were. And so doing a little exercise with yourself of figuring out what your values are can be so, so, so helpful in figuring out if this person is right for you. So if you find yourself ending up in a relationship with people where like six months in or two years in or whatever it is in, you're like, I don't even feel aligned with this person. They have such different views on the world. Why did I not realize this early on? It can be really frustrating and one way to stop that from happening is to really get clear on your values early on in a relationship preferably before you define the relationship. Another thing I think is important to know is what is their communication style and even what is their love language. So communication style, like how do they like, that could even be as simple as how often do they like to text between dates? Or do they, are they like an all day texture? Will you guys be like keeping in touch non-stop or do they like to catch up over phone calls? Or what is their communication style in terms of do they like to have deep meaningful conversations more often than like small talk type conversations? Or do they prefer to save important topics for like one weekly check-in? How do they communicate and how do they respond to the way that you communicate? How do your communication styles mesh together? These are all things that like there aren't really direct questions you can ask to figure out their communication style. It's really just a matter of creating that open communication with them. And like I said, having those conflicts happen, spending time together in different types of situations, going on different types of dates, seeing them around other people the way they interact with other people, whether that's their closest friends, family, or even like a waiter or some random person on the street learn the way they communicate, tune into it. And it will really, really help you build that healthy communication with them over time. And the love language thing I think is just super, super helpful because I don't want to say it's over talked about, but like it's talked about so much that I feel like people have almost forgotten why it's important. It's kind of just this like buzzword, love language. And it's even on like dating at prompts, where it's like, what's your love language? Oh, mine's pizza. Like people use that sort of just like this catch phrase or this like, I don't know, not what it means. And what it really means and why it's really important is people show love in different ways and people feel love in different ways. So if this isn't something that you guys talk about early on or tune into early on or just like uncover early on about each other, it's not gonna be as easy to get a read on how the person's feeling or just show them how you're feeling. I've dated people in the past where their love language was quality time and mine was acts of service. And so I would repeatedly like do little things for them that make their life easier. And I felt like that was me showing them how much I cared. Like I would, I don't know, like load their dishwasher or I would bring them like a small treat that I knew that they loved. Just do little things like that that made their life easier. And to me is expressing love or affection or whatever it is. And then down the road they would feel like I didn't like them or they weren't feeling loved by me or they weren't feeling me affection. Like, oh, you never tell me how you feel about me or I don't feel like you value or time or whatever it is. And it's like, oh, I didn't realize that they feel love through spending that quality time together. Or I didn't, I didn't realize that they feel love through me like telling them how I feel or how much I liked them. And then maybe vice versa. Like maybe they like wanted to spend all this time together. And I'm like, why aren't you giving me a small treat? (laughs) Or why aren't you doing these small things to make my life easier? Like why aren't you like showing me this affection that I'm showing to you? And it's like we were both kind of using our own love language without realizing that that's not how the other person feels appreciated. And it can cause like a lot of stress because you're like, does this person like me? And you also feel like you're like bending over backwards to show them how you feel and they're not feeling that from you. So yes, people were like feeling love and expressing love and having successful relationships long before anyone started using the term love language, but it is such a useful practice and such a useful thing to know that I do think it's important to learn it really early on. And it could be really helpful to learn it before defining the relationship. And then the last thing I'll mention is, what are their life goals? So yes, everybody's goals and dreams and passions are changing and evolving at all times, but they have any key primary career goals or life goals or things that they really want to achieve. What are they? Where are they in the process of achieving them? And do they have any specific type of timeline to touch them? So I've dated someone once who like I literally had no idea that they had this goal of going to business school. That's like a big thing. And I had no idea that in the next five years they wanted to go to business school. And so a year or so in, it's like, oh, I didn't know that you want it to do that. And that doesn't really fit into what my plan is or whatever it is. Have those conversations so you're not blindsided by things like that. And I think somebody having a timeline attached to goals, like I know people who are like feeling ready to propose to their significant other, but like they can't do it until they achieve this specific career goal. And they have this arbitrary timeline attached to that career goal and the person that they're dating like doesn't really know that or like they don't have that understanding of what this timeline is. So their goals and the timelines of their goals. One reason to know them is because you should support them and successful, healthy couples support each other's goals and are really there for them, for those specific passions and life achievements and everything like that. But another reason is because it might impact your relationship. And if you guys have different timelines and different goals and they don't align, even if you align right now in the present day, there could be a really big chance that you won't align in the future and it would be a lot more difficult to find that out in three years versus finding it out now. Okay, so I love this topic. I could clearly talk about it for a really long time and I promise you this will not be the last time I talk about it. But like I said, I get these questions so much about knowing when it's time to define the relationship, how to like move through those early stages of dating. And I think that this can really, really help get to know that person figure out if this relationship is best for you and set yourself up for success when you do go into that defining the relationship conversation. So to wrap it up, I wanna share a few signs that you are ready to define the relationship. So maybe if you've been listening to this episode and you're thinking, wow, I'm checking all these boxes, like we've done all these things, I know all these things about them, it is time to define the relationship. These are key signs that you guys are ready and that it's time to bring it up. One of them is communication has become regular and you're not overthinking every text. So in the early stages of dating, it can be normal to overthink like, what am I gonna hear from them next or what should I say in this text or what does that text mean? You like sending screenshots to the group chat and you're trying to decipher it. I do think that those feelings should have sort of dispersed by the time that you're defining the relationship. I think communication should just be flowing naturally. And the cadence of that is going to be different for everybody, but I do think that you guys should be in like your communication groove, and you should just be naturally responding to what they say instead of like overthinking every single text that you send them. I kind of said this, but I also think a big sign is that you're talking openly about the future and your visions for the future feel aligned. So the future shouldn't feel like this big scary topic when you're getting ready to define the relationship. The future should be something that's talked about openly. Another thing that I've mentioned is you're spending time together regularly, and that's going to be a mix of unplanned hangouts and also dates mixed in and maybe things with friends, just the general feeling of your lives integrating together and it being kind of like assumed that you're going to spend time together versus planned dates and waiting for that next date to be like set on the calendar. Your friends and family know about each other, so that's a good sign if you know that they're talking. Their friends about you or they're talking to their family about you or like I said, ideally you've met some of those people and you're integrating in, that's a good sign that you're on the path to defining the relationship. If they are the person that you want to talk to when something big happens and they're also regularly updating you on things in their life. So this is another sign that it's time to define the relationship. You guys are really important pieces of each other's lives. If there's somebody that like you want to ask for advice. So like if you got really good news and you're like, oh, I got to tell Jonathan and that's just like your natural instinct and you're like wanting to share important things with them and you respect their opinion and the same thing with them. So they're asking you to advice on things and everything like that. That's a sign. Another big one is you already feel or you already are monogamous with each other. So you don't have interest in going out with other people. You're not wondering what else could be out there. You're not like comparing to other people and you're not wishing things were a little bit different. You feel like you are happy with them and you only want to be with them. That's like the core of being ready to define the relationship with them. Another huge one is you feel like yourself around them. So things feel natural. You don't feel drained after being with them or while you're with them and you're not constantly working on like being on your best behavior, being on your A game or making them like you. You're just kind of feeling at ease and comfortable. And this last one I could say until I'm blue in the face, but you feel good about how you communicate with them. So you feel good about the way that small conflicts have been resolved or about the way that they handle difficult topics that you bring up or just general communication feels good. And it feels like something that you guys are both leaning into and that you're both committed to. So if you're feeling like all of these boxes are checked and you're ready to define the relationship, I do have posts on how to define the relationship, how to bring up that topic. And I can dive deeper into an future episode if that's something that you're interested in. But at the end of the day, I just really hope that this episode was helpful. I hope that it makes you feel ready and excited to define the relationship. And I want to remind you again that it's not a timeline and this is not even though I keep saying like, if you're checking these boxes, this isn't a checklist. It's not a must do. You don't have to like do everything exactly the way that I would do it or the way that your friend would do it. This is just a way to help you get to know somebody better, to help you understand what our relationship would be like with them and to help set you up for that successful relationship that you are hoping to get. All right. Let's get into some questions. This woman says, dating a guy for almost a month. He told me that he feels like I'm pushing him away sometimes and like I don't really want to be in a relationship. How do I open up? How do I ask him what he needs for me to feel more secure about us dating? I don't want to lose such a good guy so early because he isn't getting his needs met. Okay. I feel like I've been this person before that people have told me like, oh, I can't read you. You're so hard to read or like I never know what you're thinking. And I used to like like that. Like I used to feel like, oh, I'm hard to read. That's just like part of who I am. You just have to get to know me better. It's kind of like what I would say to them. And I think that that's the wrong way of going about this. So I'm really glad that this woman asked this question because I can tell that she, like she said, she doesn't want to lose this relationship that she's feeling really good about just because he feels like he's not able to read her or get his needs met. And she wants to be proactive. Like, what can I do to make sure that like he's understanding that I want to be in this too. And I think a lot of this also probably comes down to communication styles, attachment styles. It was giving me like a little bit of avoidant vibes. But what I would do is really make an effort to almost like over communicate. So this is something that I like really in the past I personally have had to do for like you almost feel like you're like you feel so awkward saying some things, but just like say how you feel. That's communication. It sounds so simple and straightforward because it is. So just make a point to tell him like even if it feels awkward, just say that you want to be in a relationship, say like literally what this person wrote to me in this message is what she should say to him. I want to be in a relationship. I'm really enjoying dating you, but I understand that you're not feeling that for me all the time. Is there something specific that I'm doing or not doing that makes you feel that way? Like she can literally just say that to him. Then see what he says. That's putting it all out there. That's telling he's saying he can't read her. So like let him read you. Tell him how you feel. Like don't make him like dig for it. He's literally telling you he's having trouble doing it. So I think giving him that that reassurance would be really helpful, especially when it's early on in a relationship because the communication that you build early on in a relationship is shaping the communication for the rest of the rest of the time that you're together. Of course you should keep learning more about each other and growing your communication and improving on the things that might not be working so well. But this is like the foundation. So telling him this early on, like I want to figure this out. I want to like help make you understand how I feel and help make sure that I'm giving you what you need. Then he also will want to give her what she needs. And this is just opening that line up. So that's exactly what I would do. I would just sit down with the person, tell them that. And then wait and see what they say, wait and see what they need. And I think that hopefully, like I don't think that anyone, especially somebody who like, it doesn't come so naturally maybe to talk so openly about your feelings, which I will say, like it becomes so much more natural and less awkward with time. Like now I feel like I'm, I just talk so openly with people that I'm dating. And I think it probably also has to do with like the person you're dating and the relationship you're in. But as I was saying, for somebody that this doesn't come so naturally to, I would hope that like then their partner once they hear this would understand that that's their personality. And then they'll kind of mesh together so they won't like constantly need this reassurance. It's just like I said, like laying the groundwork for a healthy relationship in the future. So hopefully that helps. Please let us know how that goes. So this person said, so first two dates have been dancing, which we both like. And we haven't even sat down to get to know each other more, but we have when we take breaks from dancing. So now we are going roller skating for the third date. So I guess my question is I might find it boring to just sit and eat in front of her and ask her questions. So do I just keep up the physical activities or sit down with her one day? So this is a similar theme, but a little bit more detail and a unique scenario. So I'm still going to answer it. I first of all think these sound like amazing dates. Like I said, I love my activity dates. And I have never, yeah, I think I'm going to say and I've never gone dancing on a date. Like of course, I've gone out places and dance with people that I'm dating, but I've never done like an early date that's dancing. So I'm definitely curious to hear actually if more of you have done this and I have to do a poll. But anyway, I think doing things like dancing that definitely will build chemistry. And roller skating sounds really fun activities like that really help with build a connection with people. There's even research to back at that shows doing activities like that that are adrenaline boosting or just put you in a different environment helps bond couples together more and actually relationships last longer. So that's why I love activity dates so much or one of the many reasons, but there does need to be some talking. So I know that he says that they'll talk a little bit when they step away from the dance floor for a few minutes. And I'm sure they'll be talking when they're rollers getting a little bit, but that's not really the same as like sitting down face to face and having conversation. So I think that to answer this question, I think you're almost thinking of like a conversation in the wrong way or you're thinking of it in a way that's psyching yourself out like the way that you worded it. I find it boring eating in front of her just asking her questions. That's not what you don't have to do that. Like don't you actually you should not do that. Don't sit in front of her and just ask her questions. Think of this as a conversation. So it's actually great because now you're going to have a foundation. So you've had these first two dates that were dancing. They obviously went well because now you're having a third date. You're going roller skating like you guys are doing all these fun things. You definitely know her a little bit better than you might think you do. Even though you haven't had like this long drawn out conversation, you can learn a lot from people during just activities like that. So now you get to sit down with her. She's not a total stranger, but you haven't really like dug into really getting to know each other a little bit better. So that's where I would say my advice for planning dates in general as a side note is just like do something that you'll feel comfortable doing. So if you know you're going to feel uncomfortable sitting down to dinner at this stage still, then don't do like I said, a coffee day, a walking day, like maybe grab a drink after you go rollerblading or next time you're doing an activity or dancing, say like, oh, should we meet beforehand and get a drink or grab a quick bite. Like it could be something more casual, but do it in a setting that you know will be like a sit down based to face conversation. Even if you think it's going to be quote boring. I have a feeling that these people who are going on dancing and rollerblading dates are not going to be boring. So I think you'll find that it's actually a lot of fun. You can get to know them in a different setting. So on that note, I would say think about the questions that you're asking because if you feel like you're just going to be sitting down asking your questions, then maybe you're not asking the right questions on dates because your question should be leading to conversation. It shouldn't be where you go to school, where you grow up. How many sisters do you have? Like it shouldn't be so like simple, straightforward answers. It should be questions that really lend themselves to a conversation. So maybe like more open-ended. is what the word that I'm looking for. And lucky for you, I actually have a lot of posts on this, so I'm gonna link a couple of them in the show notes, but one of the ones I have is questions to ask on a first date, but you can ask this on any early date. I mean, just look through it if it's things that you don't know about them, or you think quickly to an interesting conversation, then ask them, but it's questions along the lines of what is your ideal morning look like? Or what are you most looking forward to this year? Or one of my favorites, what three people do you spend most of your time with? - So these questions are a little bit different. So they're not like classic, what you might think, the ones I just mentioned, like really like resume type questions, like it doesn't feel like you're on an interview, it feels like you're just getting to know them, and they can lead to so many cool conversations, and so many things that like we'll inspire them to then ask you a question, and this conversation won't just be you sitting there or staring at her asking boring questions. It'll end up being a really fun date. So I'm gonna link those in the show notes, and hopefully that inspires you to get out, and it's funny 'cause some people, like they need to get out of their comfort zone of just doing like dinner and drink dates and do something different, but this is like the opposite of that. Okay, I'm gonna do one more, and then we'll get into all the X talk. This person asked me on apps, what do men mean when they say they don't want someone with baggage? I can't even read it without laughing. This means that this guy is not ready for a girlfriend, or not ready to be dating someone seriously. This guy does not need a relationship right now, he needs therapy. I'm being dramatic, but baggage, this just made me so, it made me equally mad, and just made me laugh. Baggage is your experience. I hate the word baggage. You don't wanna date anybody who's had anything happen to them at all. You just wanna date somebody who just poof arrived yesterday, and then you're the first person that they've ever known, and the first memory they ever have. I know I'm, again, being a little bit dramatic on this, but if you feel like you're afraid to get, this is a PSI for anybody who feels they're afraid to get into a relationship or to get on an app, or to go out and date, because you feel like you have, quote, baggage, that guys don't want, you don't wanna guy who doesn't have baggage. You want somebody who has also lived and experienced things, and who wants to grow and learn from somebody who has experienced different things. That's what makes a relationship so great. You don't wanna date someone who's just like a cardboard box, waiting for you to fill them up. You'd need somebody who has some things in there already, and you can just add to it and blend together. What I would say to this is just swipe no, on that guy, simple answer, and don't let the fear that somebody's gonna be turned off by your past stop you from meeting somebody who actually will love that about you. I think that not to say you're defined by past relationships or past things that happen to you, or whatever this person that means by baggage. You're not defined by that, but that is part of you. It led you to who you are now and where you are now, and it led you to meeting the people that you're meeting. None of those things happen. You wouldn't be meeting them, so they should be grateful for your baggage. This just makes me so mad. In my response on Instagram, I just said this means that they're not ready for relationship, and then I did a poll asking if people agreed or if they also hated baggage, and I'm pretty sure it was like 94% agreed. So this is like a slim amount of people that feel this way, and so just like swipe on and don't let that bother you. I got responses from single parents who are trying to date, or people who'd reasonably got divorced and they're trying to date, or people who have never had a relationship before, and they feel that they're gonna be judged by that. If somebody is not okay with something about your past, whether it's something you have or you don't have in your past, then that's not the person for you. And that's somebody that really, it's like a reflection of them. So any judgment that this new person you're trying to date is having or somebody on a dating app is having, talk about a negative thing to have in your dating app profile. Okay, I'm going to end it there. Thank you guys so much for listening. If you have a question that you want me to answer on a future episode, you can send me an email, [email protected], or you can send me a message on Instagram @mostlydating. Talk to you next week. (upbeat music)