Speaker 1Recovery Elevator, episode three. Sean of the dead, this podcast works. Number one, it works for me. Like I said, I'm trying to help people quit drinking and stay sober, but it works. I've stayed sober. According to my Recovery Elevator Sobriety Tracker app available on Android and for the iPhone, I have been sober for 179 days, which is two days shy of six months. Yes, I never thought I would make it here. I never thought I'd make 30 days, let alone 179 days. I'm not putting six months in the bag. I'm taking this one day at a time. But man, six months and two days, I am so happy. I'm gonna have a lot of soda water with a lot of ice cubes and a hell of a lot of lemon wedges and I might dance. I don't know. It's gonna be a wild night. Email me, [email protected] and let me know your progress. You've got to track your progress. And I also received another email. People are actually listening to this podcast, which is terrifying me at the same time. We'll get that in a sec. In episode zero, I said I had a goal of releasing one episode a week at 6:00 a.m. every Monday for the next 52 weeks or for a whole year. Well, I uploaded three podcasts to iTunes and the dates were on there. And in my mind, I said three podcasts will buy me three weeks of time. But that was not the case to listeners. They just didn't see it that way. And somebody emailed me and said, "Hey, just wanna make sure you're okay. "There was not a podcast on Monday morning at 6:00 a.m." So this podcast will be up next Monday morning at 6:00 a.m. Thank you for reaching out. Here it is. Let me talk to you for a second about a crushing emotion called fear. I like to look at it as future events, appearing real and fear often masks itself by practicality or what just seems logic. And Jim Carrey said just that at a graduation speech and it resonated with me. Fear is a paralyzing emotion. It stops people from following their dreams. It stops people from quitting drinking. What if I can't stop? What if I relapse? You know, I don't think I have a problem anyways. It's not a big deal. So when I started this podcast, I realized I had no idea how to do a podcast and I was in way over my head. So I joined a podcast mastermind called Podcasters Paradise. And the number one reason why the majority of podcasts aren't launched is, you guessed it, fear. Fear that nobody will listen to the podcast and the podcast might not be good. Well, I also have the same fear, but it's actually opposite with me. Number one, sure, I am afraid and have fears. Have fear that the podcast just might suck. You know, I thought the podcast thing would be a lot easier. I thought I would hit record and just great content would flow out of my mouth, but it's difficult, it's hard. So I have the fear of actually making a good podcast. Plus, I actually have the fear that people might listen to it. It's completely different. The majority of podcasters are like, well, what if nobody listens to it? For me, I'm terrified if people listen to this podcast. I am. This is episode three and I will be totally fine if nobody listens to it, but it's only been up for a week and the download numbers are not staggering, but people are listening to it. Like I said, I got an email earlier saying, hey, it's Monday, where's my podcast? So I've got to crush this fear thing about people listening to the podcast. Feel free to share it, review it. The cat is out of the bag. The cat's out of the bag actually in four countries, USA, Canada, Costa Rica, and the Netherlands. Before this podcast, I was only an alcoholic in a small town that I live in, in Southwestern Montana, and now four countries and 12 states. Yeah. According to my download stats. Now I have leaked the podcast to a couple of close friends. And when they listened to it, they got back to me and said, we had no idea that the summer of 2014 was that bad. What really happened? I mean, we had no idea. You should have reached out to us. And I didn't, I was ashamed that I couldn't control my drinking and I shouldn't have been ashamed, but I was extremely ashamed. I could not stop drinking for the life of me. I felt like a total loser. I had zero self-confidence. I would see people and just put on a mask, a show. Hey, how's it going? Oh, great. Yeah, yeah. I've got this going. Things are great. But in reality it was hell. I'll get more in depth of the low points of 2014. Which ended up being where my recovery elevator had reached its bottom in later episodes. We'll talk about that more, but let me tell you about this dream that can kind of sum up the summer of 2014 for me and basically my whole drinking career. I was at my grandparents' house in Lawton, Oklahoma, which is tornado country. And there was just that barreling towards this house in Lawton, Oklahoma, a tornado headed directly for the path of where we were staying. Okay. Okay. And we were searching through the house for places to find cover. And I ended up in a closet that could only fit myself. And I just braced. I put my elbows in the wall and I sat down and I heard the wind hammering on the doors, the pains of the glass shaking. And I knew it was coming. The tornado outside got louder and louder as it sprinted towards the house where we were staying. And as the house was just about to lift off, I could feel everything went blank. There was a peace. There was a calm. There was a unity. And I felt free. These were emotions that I hadn't felt for a very long time. And I'm in the closet in the dark, feeling these emotions. And it was wonderful. This segment of the dream, it was incredible. And then the closet door opens and I see my mom. And she looks down at me and I look at her. I was like, is it over? And she pauses for a second and she says, yeah, it's over. But she had a look on her face, which meant it's over, had a couple different meanings. And then I knew it was over. Not that the tornado had passed and I survived, but the tornado had passed and I didn't survive. I didn't make the tornado. I didn't live. I had died in the tornado. But I was still alive in my afterlife or in the dream's heaven. What might you say? And I was happy. I was calm. There was unity. And I felt free in this dream. I had died in my dream and it was the best dream I had ever had. If that makes any sense, Recovery Elevator. I had a dream where I was dying were the best dreams and that's even like the Tears for Fear song where it says the dreams of which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. And I think Gary Jules remixed it, Mad World, phenomenal song, you should listen to it. But does that make sense? When I woke up, I was just devastated because I was basically living my nightmare. I had to go. I had to go back to reality and live my life. The feeling was so sinking. I just, it was brutal. And later that night, I decided to take matters in my own hands, which we will talk about in later episodes. But I was living my own nightmare and dreams of which I died were the best dreams. So the dream sums up 2014. and my drinking career, which is a place I cannot return to, which is why I'm doing this podcast, to help myself stay sober. And listeners, you don't realize this, but you're helping me stay sober by simply listening. So I need to say thank you for helping me stay sober. Now let's change course a little bit, and I want to remind listeners a couple important things. I've said this before, but you must listen to the similarities and not the differences. You've got to take this thing one day at a time. And again, Recovery Elevator has zero affiliation with Alcoholics Anonymous. However, I do feel it is a fantastic program. And you might be listening and you're saying, okay, listen to the similarities, not the difference. One day at a time, we get it. Paul, are you not even listening to your own episodes? Are you hitting record, submit, and then it's a done deal? Well, with disease of alcoholism, you kind of need to have this stuff into your brain. I'm not only repeating myself hundreds and hundreds of times, which you will find a common theme in this podcast, so listeners can grasp it. I'm also saying it to myself. That's right. I'm recording this in a microphone, but I'm also saying it to myself, saying, Paul, you need to take this one day at a time. You are still an alcoholic, because the disease of addiction and alcoholism is a tricky one. And let's get into that for a second. While I'm recording this podcast, I am on the second floor in my condo. door is shut. Alcoholism, my disease, my addiction is not in the room with me. I am focused 100% on my sobriety, on my recovery, on this podcast, and I will not be drinking. There is no space in this room right now for my addiction. However, I do have a window where I can see outside. I'm going to personify my addiction to help get my point across. It might seem a little strange, but just bear with me here. I'm looking outside and it's sunny. It's a nice day. Yep, there it is again. My addiction is on a 10-speed bike doing laps around my neighborhood. And I think his clip is getting faster and faster. In fact, that was probably the fastest lap yet. So back to the podcast. Yep, no, there he is again. That was a really fast lap. He's there again. And my addiction is pulling the bicycle up. He's stopping. There's a basketball court over there I'm looking at. My addiction is entering. Oh my gosh. He just dunked. He dunked a basketball. My addiction can dunk. I can't dunk, but my addiction can. What is he doing now? Oh, well, okay. My addiction is doing pull-ups on the rim of the basketball. He's done 15, 20, 25. Okay. He's done doing pull-ups. But burpees? My addiction is now doing burpees and he's done at least 50. And sit-ups, come on, just stop. Okay. Yep. It looks like he's getting back on his bicycle and leaving. Well, no, he's stopping. There's a fence. And behind, he's talking to somebody who kind of looks mysterious. I see a cash transaction happening. What? I'm focusing, right? I'm trying to... Oh, oh, wow. I think my addiction just purchased performance-enhancing drugs from a sketchy-looking character behind some bushes. And, ah, they are being administered right now. My addiction, not only strong enough, he just did 100 pull-ups and push-ups, all that stuff. He's also on steroids. So, again, bear with me. I personified my addiction right there. That's what the disease of alcoholism does, right? It is not in this room with me. There is no space in this room for my addiction. I simply will not let it in. But at the right time, my addiction will confront me wearing semi-attractive clothing. You know, it's just the right time with the right approach, with the right pitch. And it will say, hey, Paul, there's a new brewery. Let's go try out some micro-brews. What do you say? And the idea will be so appealing that I might just drink. I asked my guest on today's show a similar question about the addiction and the complications of the disease, and he nails it. He gets it. This guy is young in sobriety. He is phenomenal in his recovery. And at this time, I am excited to invite Henry to the podcast. How are you, Henry? I'm great, Paul. How's it going? Hey, I'm really good. I'm glad to have you on the podcast. I'm going to get right into it. Speaker 2How long have you been sober? Just about three years. Three years next month.
Speaker 1Nice. And how old are you? 24. 24. Wow. In very early, well, semi-early recovery, in my opinion, at age 24. We'll talk about that later. But referencing the podcast title, Recovery Elevator, when did you realize your elevator had reached its bottom and it was time to stop drinking?
Speaker 2You know, I'd say it was something of a moment of clarity. I could tell I was on this elevator and it was going down for quite a while. And I saw plenty of opportunities to hop off along the way. But, you know, I wasn't ready until I was ready. I'd gotten into trouble and problems with my health and family and all of these things, but it just wasn't enough. So finally, it had gotten bad enough. And I didn't have enough people telling me how bad I was and exposure to different programs and classes and repercussions. And finally, one morning after a bad spell of drinking, I woke up and I just knew. I didn't know what I was going to do. I didn't know what had happened, but I just knew that my life was not going well. Things were out of control. My drinking was out of hand. And causing me a lot of pain and suffering. And it was just, I knew I couldn't drink anymore. And I couldn't picture my life not drinking. And something inside just told me this one day at a time thing. And I tried not to think about it, but I just knew I couldn't know what to do next. And I just couldn't, but I knew drinking couldn't be a part of it.
Speaker 1Henry, you said one word that means a lot. And the word was control. Control. As soon as I realized that I had zero control was when I was semi able to take control. I know that makes no sense, but I was like you. I woke up on September 7th, 2014, realizing I had no control and it had to change. So let's talk about your drinking habits a little bit. How much did you drink? And did you ever make an attempt, you know, when you thought you were in control to switch, you know, from hard alcohol to just beer, not drink before a time in the afternoon? Talk about that for a second.
Speaker 2Oh yeah. Yeah, definitely. I made a lot of rules for myself. I drew a lot of lines in the sand and you know, along the way I, I broke every one of them. You know, I swore I didn't drink on school nights. I did that. I swore I wouldn't drink until at least the homework was done. I did that. You know, I wouldn't, I wouldn't drink liquor. I'd stick to beer. I broke that one or tried to take, take breaks or lay off for a while. And, you know, I'd stop for a few days and make an exception or, you know, at first it was don't show up to work hungover. Don't show up to work too drunk from the night before. Then don't drink at work. And I broke every one of those, you know, and it became really easy for me to make exceptions and make excuses. And I couldn't see what I was doing at the time. I couldn't see that. I thought I had a handle on it, but I really didn't. And it just, it took over.
Speaker 1It took over. That is a common theme with everybody with alcohol. Now tell me what it was like in your first 24 hours, 72 hours, week, month of sobriety. And did the obsession or craving to drink ever go away? Does it, what was that like for you?
Speaker 2It was a tough time. You know, first day, it's just a really, really bad hangover. It was the end of, uh, the end of a spring break at school. I had, you know, been pretty drunk all week. The day after St. Patrick's day, it was a really long night. So those were 24 hours. I was just sick. I was just in pain. And, you know, one of the worst, worst hangovers. And it was brutal. You know, I could, I could barely get off of the couch, not going outside and just a state of confusion. And I felt lost. And it's, it's sort of started to get better. I, you know, I didn't really know what I was doing. I would tell friends, I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to or not partying tonight or try to avoid the subject that had been offered to me. And I thought maybe, maybe I could again, you know, maybe it's gone by. I'm feeling a little bit better. You know, I won't let it get that bad again, but I knew I'd been there before. You know, I made those excuses and probably get right back to where it was. You know, as time went on, I was exercising a lot, spending a lot of time in the library. You know, my, I actually improved the first couple of months, you know, that spring semester, I would stay in the library all night. I was afraid to go home. I didn't want to be home alone, you know, and just risk being around alcohol or start drinking again. So I was at the gym and at the library and I thought things were going great. I wasn't, I didn't realize that I had another problem, that it was a problem in my head. And about four months into sobriety, again, a moment of clarity for myself, I threw my hands up. I was going to go down to the bar and, you know, figure what the hell. And for some reason I grabbed my keys, went on the computer and looked up a meeting list for AA and I went to a meeting that night instead. And for me that, you know, that, that worked. I didn't really know what I was doing there, but I just did the one day at a time. I just kept going back and I don't know what was said in those first meetings over the first few months. And I didn't talk to many people and, you know, I just went with it and I figured, you know, I'm going to do it. And I figured, you know, I'm going to do it. And I I'm here and I'm feeling good and I'm not drinking. We'll just see where it takes me. And it's, you know, it's worked for me. As far as cravings and obsession to drink, I guess it comes and goes and it depends on, on how healthy I'm feeling mentally. You know, if I'm letting my head get the better of me, yeah, occasionally I feel like I want to drink and that's when it's time to, to step back and see what I'm doing in my life, see how I'm reacting to things that come up and what am I doing wrong that I'm, that I'm having these problems. And I try to stay in touch with, with other alcoholics. That's huge.
Speaker 1vital to staying sober. And, and, and talk to me about your first AA meeting. If I hear you correctly, you were four months before going to your, to your first meeting. And well, there's a similar theme on the podcast of listening to the similarities and not the differences. What was that like for you in your first meeting? Yeah, that was, that was tough. I walked into
Speaker 2that room and I'm thinking I'm nothing like these people. I'm listening to their stories and they're talking about maybe towns that I haven't been in or jobs that I've never had in industries that I don't know anything about, or maybe they have children and I don't have children or they're married. It's so easy to go in and think you're nothing like them. And it's tough, but looking, looking for those similarities and seeing, and maybe take some of the details out of the stories or, or look, you know, more at the feelings and the, the attitudes, mentality behind, behind the stories. Um, I found a lot of similarity, you know, maybe I don't have children and I'm married and I have a different job and I'm from a different town, but my thinking is just like his, you know, I, I approach the problem, well, call or approach my drinking, or I make those rules for myself, just like these people do. And, you know, it was, it was really important for me to stay, to stay in touch with them and talk to them because I couldn't go home and talk to my buddies about that. You know, especially if they were the ones still drinking, you know, I think alcoholism is, you know, it's a, it's a communal disease. And if you have it, you get it, you know, you understand it, but it's, it's really difficult for me to talk about my drinking problem with people who don't have a drinking problem.
Speaker 1I agree 100% with that. And I'm thankful that I can't talk to my parents and my brother and have them fully understand my alcoholism. And I'm thankful they are normal drinkers because I wouldn't wish what I've gone through to my worst enemy. And I'm sure you can say the same. Now you mentioned one thing, another word that stuck out, and I'm grappling with this, Henry, is thinking and mind. The more I get into this, I've heard that alcoholism is a disease of the mind and drinking is but a symptom of our thinking. Tell me more about that, or do you have any idea what I'm talking about?
Speaker 2Oh yeah, I do. I totally agree. My head tells me things that, that my body can't do. My hand tells me whether it's great things that I'm, I'm the greatest in the world, or, you know, I'm really cool, or I have total control, or I can do, do anything. You know, I can't let something stupid like a can of beer get the better of me. Um, you know, and what's the bad, you know, it's, I'm riddled with fear. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough or that no employer wants to hire me or, uh, my friends don't like me and my family thinks that I'm, I'm that case. But all of these things, it's running through, through my head constantly. If I, um, you know, somebody gets, gets mad at me on the road, it can ruin my day. And what I used to do when I was drinking, you know, I drink over it. If I was upset at somebody, I, I just drank until I couldn't think anymore. So getting sober was, was tough. I had to confront those problems and I had to sort out, you know, I use, I use alcohol as a crutch to avoid, to avoid those difficult conversations in those difficult times in my life. And now I have to confront it and I have to mean it head on. And it's, and it's tough, but I found a whole new way of thinking now. And, you know, it's great. It's, it's very calm and relaxing and it's, you know, I'm prepared to take on life's problems now. You said it earlier, one day at a time,
Speaker 1and that's how you got to take recovery, but what's your plan for a healthy recovery in the
Speaker 2future? You know, it's, it's hard to say. I think I stick with the, with the one day at a time. You know, I, I try to look at my life in the future and jobs I may have or school or where I'd like to live, things that I'd like to do. But recovery, it's, it's hard to look far down the road. You know, I'm not going to have a beer. I'm 24 years old. I'm going to go my whole life without drinking. It's mind boggling. And I just have to shut that off because that's the sort of thing that can take over and get me in trouble. But you know what? I woke up right in early this morning. I've had an amazing day. I've been really active. It's a pretty good job that I like and things are going well. And if that's a result of not drinking today, well, you know, I'd love to do it again
Speaker 1tomorrow. Well said, Henry. And let's talk about something really cool that you've done in sobriety. Now I understand you traveled to South America and you didn't take a drink of alcohol while you were traveling and hostels and meeting other young travelers. What, how did you do that? What was that like?
Speaker 2It was great. It was an incredible trip. And I'm really lucky to have been able to do that. I think it was a tough call for me. I was really afraid going into it. Am I going to come out of this sober? You know, if I did it a year ago, I may not have been the right time, but it felt like the right time for me. And I felt pretty comfortable and I went for it. And I had a blast. You know, I didn't go out to the bars and the nightclubs. I caught up in the mornings and I had a lot of fun checking out the places I visited. I met some like-minded travelers and was able to stay away from it. A lot of folks down there, they were on vacation and it's a party. A lot of those places, really big party scene. But what blew me away is the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings that I went to. You know, I went to a lot of AA meetings in Peru, Bolivia, and Argentina. It's really a global program. And as I said, it's something that's worked for me and I wanted to stay connected to. And I spoke very little Spanish. You know, I could get myself around a restaurant menu and a hostel bed. But I went anyway. I showed up and they told me, you know, it doesn't matter if you don't speak the language. It's the language of the heart. And just because you're here and because you're, you know, you're in this program and you may be from another part of the world. But if you want to stay sober, you know, it's in the right place. And I met a lot of really great people there and they found me a good hotel or, you know, somewhere good to eat. And I was able to find some sober people in the towns that I visited too just by going to an AA meeting. And it was incredible. You know, I learned a lot. And I think it made the trip that much better.
Speaker 1With what you said earlier, being an alcoholic, it's a communal disease and you don't speak much Spanish at all. I understand that. I've gone to AA meetings outside of the country where different languages are spoken. But it is not spoken with the language. It's communal. Everybody gets it and you don't even need to know the language and you feel right at home. And I am going to Porto Alegre to visit my good friend that I lived with in Spain, in Brazil. And, you know, we drank a lot together in Spain. And I told him that I will not be drinking. And if he could do me a favor and find me locations. Of meetings and dates and times, and I don't speak Portuguese, but I'm going and it's going to help me stay sober. Henry, what parting piece of guidance could you give to somebody that's thinking about sobering up or about ready to drop that first drink?
Speaker 2You know, it's, um, don't, don't look too far ahead, you know, just, just keep your eye on today. And there are, there are tons of great resources, a lot of help out there for people. You know, just find, find other alcoholics who get this disease and just take it one step at a time. It takes time. It doesn't get better overnight, but you know, my life is way beyond what I could have imagined this time, three years ago. You know, I was in the pits of hell three years ago today and, you know, just keep, keep your eye on the ball, take it slow.
Speaker 1Henry, fantastic stuff. Thank you so much for joining us. Yeah, thank you. Now we are at the point in the podcast. Where you might be an alcoholic. If some of these are funny, look, you gotta be able to laugh at your addiction and alcoholism because we've done some funny things, a very serious topic, but here we go. You might be an alcoholic. If you've ever consumed a beer in the shower, your morning shower, I'm referring to you might be an alcoholic. If you drink before a social gathering where people will be having one or two social glasses of wine, you don't drink during the event. And then you continue to drink. After the event, you might be an alcoholic. If you think the DUI wasn't the problem, it was the route you took. You might be an alcoholic. If you wake up in the morning, peel back the blinds and hope your car is there. You might be an alcoholic. If, while talking to someone else at a party, they reply with, huh, I didn't know you were bilingual. And this next one I am guilty of and can relate with for sure. You might be an alcoholic. If you have ever strategically planned your liquor route. So the clerks won't think or come to the realization this guy is an alcoholic. And the last one, you might be an alcoholic if you've ever wondered you have a drinking problem. It's kind of that simple. So thank you so much for joining us on the Recovery Elevator podcast today. I have created somewhat of an outro of a cool thing that I've learned how to do in sobriety, which is play the piano. And you can hear it in the background. It's not perfect. And how did I do it? Well, it's something that I wouldn't be able to do while I was drinking. I went to YouTube. I learned how to play a couple chords. It's pretty hard, actually, to play the piano. And I'm not very good. You can hear it somehow. I'm pulling it off to make it sound okay. But this is something that I have been able to do in sobriety that is awesome. It's a goal I've had to always play the piano. I bought one. I actually got one for Christmas, and it just sat in the box for months and months. And in sobriety, I can do these things. I can put my time and efforts toward positive things. I've got the attention span. I've got the bandwidth to learn a new skill and a hobby, where before I'd be sobriety. So ridden with guilt and shame, I would be detoxing. You know, I couldn't even focus. My hands, they'd be shaking. How could I play a keyboard when I'd be shaking? I'd be sweating. It's electronics. I don't want my sweat to short out the circuit board. This is just another example in my sobriety of why I'm doing the right thing. It's just so awesome. So some parting guidance before we leave. Whether you believe you can or you can't, you are right. And if you can't, you are right. And if you can't, you are right. And if you can't, you are right. And if you can't, you are right. And if you can't, you are right. And if you can't, you are right. And if you can't, you are right. And Recovery Elevator, you can do this. © transcript Emily Beynon © transcript Emily Beynon
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