"You Smell Like Hospital" with Trixie and Katya

i had a burger and fries and a chocolate shake and then about two hours later i had a klondike bar i told you to only eat brown rice and vegetables well i think klondike bars are good i'm uh i think they do a good job wait wait wait it's your wait hold on hold on oh yeah and then a triumphant return we got it we put on the 405 and the 110 and the two well do you guys see i'll tell you what happened it's like a radio play she whipped down her flaccid cock all three centimeters dinky dinky it's two two and a half inches rock hard is hardly considered a that's my real cock i just snatched it up earlier oh god q and um q and plane are on project runway project runaway who q the dragoon and plane who we just saw in the hallway are on project runaway that's incredible i saw an article that said here's everything we know about q and plane jen on project runway and it was you better believe the information provided is nothing on project runway a whole article an expose you want to talk you need to understand the fluff pieces need to go where baby we are going to give you a history of everything up to this announcement and then then no new information huge if true if i'm clicking on a link i want you want you want an ann powers uh deep dive in the lana del rey 18 pages printed out girl i thought of you because guess what like the day after you were hospitalized maybe two days later i turned on the news and guess what was playing the diane sawyer posthumous richard simmons documentary about an hour long about richard simmons and she let's just burn my wig off and she went she went reclusive i'll take it back thank you oh yeah he drowned does that make sense wait a minute we got to tell him the name of the episode which is you smell like hospital and now listen i listen as people may or may not uh as joey nolfe or pink gay news may or may not have reported um i haven't ross cats was involved this is a joey nolfe evan ross cats this is lee daniels the butler presents the mummy of joey nolfe's collaboration with evan ross cats called based on the smell like hospital based on the movie based on the movie stop that train by raymond yeah based on the novel push by sapphire based on the novel push by sapphire with participation of canal plus ah in a collaboration with prime video apple and vivid entertainment apple flicks paramount plus cinemax absolutely in partnership with the miniature wife sorry elizabeth banks now on apple tv lee cronin's the miniature wife no this is lee cronin's you smell like hospital i'm worried that you were on your back for weeks and all you could produce was a medieval scroll i saw you write today and why is it in cursive how is gen z gonna read it because i went back in time baby i'm from the future well let's go back to what happened because you and i were meant to we had something that week sex no we're gonna have we're gonna do the pod i guess no no we were we were meant to have romantic intercourse like we had planned for about 13 years that's not true let's go back to the beginning which is you canceled over the weekend because you were feeling sick so i so i yes i remember like it was a month ago because it was go on he drowned does that make sense it was a month ago does that make sense the land honey the land the plan honey the plan the plan was to do the pod and you said i'm sick and i literally and i i i had i had pre i think i warned you on monday on monday so on sunday sunday night i had i couldn't sleep yeah and i was like oh god i just like i just couldn't sleep and and i'll say this as much as you make fun of you being a whatever a non-worker you're not a fake caller and sicker well honestly you don't really so ever since i came clean on uh about every single time that i've called in sick has been a fraud i haven't been able to really perpetrate that fraud right do you know what i mean so when i when we did tnk live and i was like doing that insurance fraud looking like oh no no no remember how sick you were no no it was it wasn't sick it was like in pain and i don't i don't like that kind of high drama because if if you are faking pain i'm a liar drug addict you know what i mean that's it comes with territory but if you're faking pain we really can't trust you and if sometimes you can fake pain so much that you you like like you believe it yourself right which is diabolical anyways so i had been vomiting which is i don't love i love but are you sure that you're just faking sick so well that you like gaga with the fake wine getting buzzed is that you being like and then suddenly need surgery so she's i'm on the zoom with her in kiki dunst right we're almost exactly the same age right i look 10 years older lee crone's the money and she um when that the only difference is you play a little girl vampire as an adult very good portrayal i'm i'm a vampire pretending to be a human pretend to be a vampire pretending to be a little girl yes of course of course yep so so can i ask at what point do you realize i need to go to the hospital because what are the symptoms how do we go from here this is not great this is not great i'm going to show you will you blur this james james will you blur this the diapy oh shit girl shit she's got a little puss going on p-u-s-s she's got a little puss not puss puss do you think you'll get a cover-up a tattoo or something uh no okay okay let's take a break then that's enough just to know um so at what point does the sickness escalate to like what's going on so i'm not a puker well i am well no that's i'm sorry i lied when i puke i don't go like you know how when i close my eyes i can't see something crazy about me is i hate puking oh is that from where we michelle oh my god i hate puking oh my god me too you'll never believe this and this is crazy and i'm gonna say this to both all the cameras all these cameras the second something touches my lips i can taste it right exactly i could taste it no no it was like hot ice cream i i so i late sunday night i can't sleep and then monday morning i i horrible i feel terrible i've not like i just sleepless night and i'm feeling like i feel like nauseous so what i do i i wiggle to the the little freezer box and i get a outshine bar not sponsored however that but that is up there with like tylenol pm i think they use it in hospitals i will say when i've been nauseous the cold cold something about it is grounding yes it's cold well i mean it's like literally it feels there's inflammation it feels like sometimes you feel like your stomach's on fire you want something uh relatively clear yeah or like maybe a glass of water yeah but you're hungry though so like the sugar is like anyways yeah puke it up immediately oh my god and then i noticed that like i noticed i feel like i feel like so i haven't eaten anything but i feel like bloated i never i don't shut your mouth i know i've never been bloated my entire life right um but i'm wondering but i'm wondering based on how you normally look what does it take for us to know that you're bloated at all you know what i mean because normally people ask me like an unraveling ball of yarn normally people are like how many weeks right well not sorry how many months right wasn't the baby due with last year yeah yeah like triplets right so no no so so then all of monday i'm puking and that's when i i think we had the pot on tuesday or wednesday and i was like at tuesday so it's still no sleep which is like oh god and also i couldn't the stomachs started to distend and i was like oh this is fucking weird can't keep anything down no shitting either never occurred to me to like think about think maybe rupaul coffee and i went no no it didn't like if there's nothing going and nothing going out what's going on so what's the tea yeah it's stop that train well the train is gone or whatever stop that digestive process so the digestive process was um was interrupted um now i know what you're thinking but you're so beautiful how could that happen well drugs but um we'll get to that later so the so it kept going on i was eating nothing but outshine bars and i couldn't get comfortable i couldn't sit i couldn't stand and i couldn't lay down so i know what you're saying well why wouldn't you right did you kind of do like an exorcism look like levitation i tried lee cronin already did that evil dead why don't you go downstairs and get in your red light bath or your um my cryo tank yeah no why don't you get in your uh ozone therapy your hydro hydrobaric chamber why didn't i just open my moon app the calm app boot up the boot up the harry styles moon um it's too horny too horny lee cronin's moon app lee cronin's bricked up no i i opened my moon tracker of course right i didn't you know web md what or or what's la that is our web md thank you thank you and it's also our new york times you don't rest their soul my lap for tarot those are my test results yeah you're um my cs link to cedarsign.org tarot cards tarot cards absolutely oracle cards hello or we're gonna go down to cedars so that have them pull my cards dr matthew bloom no i'm calling my calling my segues pammy and salami yeah they open up your intestines they say you swallowed a tiger's eye oh my god we need rose quartz stat get the rose cords in here we've got amethyst ivs we got everything so you can't even drive what do you uber to the hospital so i'm um i thought i'm gonna be vulnerable it's diane sawyer you can ask me point blank do you smoke crack and i'll say no i freebase right so um Without being TMI, I was like, I was with a shady friend. You know what I mean? Somebody's up to no good, but he's at my house. And in this moment, rare moment, I know this is going to sound delulu, but I got my moon tracker out. I was like, I'm really worried about this. You can see, I mean, he's like, he came in and this person is not, let's just say they're not a paragon of mental or physical health. I think I know who this is without knowing them. Without knowing them. You think I haven't heard about this person? Oh, baby. She knows the lore. She knows the lore. Stay tuned for the Patreon. You can get my information on the street. This is from, okay. I saw it on your sub stack. This is deep behind a paywall. Lee Cronin's the sub stack. Lee Cronin's the paywall. Yeah. Presented by Push by Sapphire. And that will be behind a paywall. Yeah, and you can't push it by Sapphire. You gotta pay. There was Sapphire stuck in you that you couldn't push out. Okay, you wish you could push by Sapphire. Those kidney stones? Hematite. Anyways, well, my colon was so hematite, I couldn't pass my amethyst. Those are kidney rhinestones. AB. Crystal AB. Well, Crystal. Okay. So, he in this moment. So, I am in a very dark place. Mentally, physically, spiritually. And is he witnessing? Is he like, oh, girl, you're good. Or is he like, I don't know. You've seen Mad Max Fury Road where they're like, witness me. Charlize with the arm chopped off? Yeah. Have I seen it? Am I a Nicki fan? That movie was crazy. Girl, high octane thriller. Riding on the back of those cars. I'm like this. I'm like, low pressure. Pull. Pulse. Yeah. Pulse through the roof. Where's the IV tower? Crazy. Anyway, so, he's basically, you know, he's doing a dose in the kitchen saying, and I'm like, witness me. Right. And I'm like, sorry. I'm just keeping it real. Y'all can't handle it. I don't think this is a story that's going to. I don't think this is a story that promotes drug use. I certainly hope not. You should go to high schools and do this in the DARE program. I know. You know, funny. I've already told this story before, but it is worth a retell. So, that very thing, I'll never forget, at the high school auditorium, I was in eighth or ninth grade. This guy came in and did that exact thing. And this is the image that has stuck with me since 1997. Blowing snot rockets of nasal tissue from his caved in, eroded septum into the shower and having to push them down the drain with his big toe. Catch that tea. That's fierce, girl. It's fierce. So, basically, that's happening to me. Cheaper than a nose job, though. If you do enough blow, you can look like Latoya. Yeah. And also, you can skip the bill from Dr. Goldstein. Hello. Thank you. Do you want to go pay for the little light switch? It's like I'm saving money. Right. So, anyways. So, then it's Tuesday, I think. Maybe I was like, I- I think it was Tuesday. I think it was Tuesday. And I said, I've been vomiting. And you're like, you had been sick as well. So, I was like, oh, solidarity. But then, I also look down and I'm nine months pregnant. I thought I got you sick. No. And that's why I was like, oh, she's sick. Well, we had made love that Friday. Right. Intensely. I mean, usually I go- Well, our way of making love- Yeah. Is having hot- Is it blood transfusion? Blood transfusion. And that's his- That's love. He's having- He's having- Did you know if you have a tooth fall out, you can put it in milk and they can put it back in your head? Did you know this? I do, because I watched I Care A Lot, and so did you. Oh, they do that in that movie. Yeah. She goes into the fucking convenience store and is like, what is she doing? I can't believe that. I know. That feels crazy. It's probably also patently untrue, but let's ask- DMDs, drop a like in the comments or whatever the fuck. Comment below. Yeah, comment below. Not if you're not a dentist, though. I'll ask Dr. Sun. Yeah. I'll ask Dr. Moon. All right. Anyways, so then, so I'm nine months pregnant. I haven't eaten anything. I also haven't slept. Now, I've been on, I've been on, I did take half a benzo to try to go to bed, because I was, I'm kind of freaking out, because I know that if I, at this point, even when I'm doing, like these days, well, whatever, I know that if you do anything, any bad behavior, you can't afford to lose a night's sleep, right? Because a night, for my, for me, with my history at my age, one night's lost sleep means psychosis immediately, right? So I, the next day, it's getting, I'm, I'm swollen to my, my abdomen. I look, I look- No joke. I look like eight to nine months pregnant, and it's hard. Oh my God. It's like hard as a rock, and I'm like, this is not good. And my friend is like, oh yeah, you, I was like, I think I need to go to the urgent care. And so I get in an Uber, I waddle like Oswald Cobblepot, you know what I mean? No, and I'm, and I'm, no offense to him. I mean, I'm five nine, so it's not exactly, it's not that fierce, and I'm not wearing the patent leather flipper gloves, but I am waddling, like, and like, ugh. I mean, like, he's, you know, when he's going, when he just gets out of the suite. Walking like Kennedy Davenport with her pads on. Yeah. That like. Like, I'm walking away from the main stage, and I'm in the workroom, and I'm through it. I'm in the bottom. I know I got a lip sync, but I'm tired. And I got to get in this Uber. Of course, it's a Cadillac with this Russian guy, and he's looking at me through the rear mirror, because I'm literally like, because I'm like, no, you're doing Lamaze. Oh no, I couldn't even breathe. I couldn't even breathe. I was like this. I was like. That's fierce, girl. And I was like, what's going to happen? But I. Death. Death would have happened, right? Death to all of them. Well, yes. So, but, so, so I had the good sense though, and thank God. I was like, let me go try. I was like, I'm going to the urgent care. Smelling like the cat's ass. So I get in. I, I, I try to get in the shower. I waddle upstairs and I take a shh, an S-H-I-T. Okay. I take a good old S-H-I-T because it's, and it comes out like trap door diarrhea. You know what I'm talking about? When a trap door opens and then diarrhea comes out. When one door, when God closes one door, another one opens. Yeah. And then you hope you get it in just one flush. That was a two flush. Can I tell you, I want to tell you that when all of this played out and I. You thought it was faking it. No, no, no. When I told my boyfriend what was going on. Wait. You have a boyfriend? I said, I guess you're having abdominal obstruction. And he goes, does she fall asleep with one of those metal butt plugs in again? And I said, I don't know. If only it had been that simple. If Mary, because you know what would have happened? What if you'd gotten to the hospital, distended, and they said, we found a huge metal butt plug in your butt. That's all. You know, that would be fierce because I know somebody and you might know somebody. And that's all I'm going to say about that right now. And we'll continue that after we record. Okay. Because they went. They went to the hospital with something much larger and much more difficult to extract than a stainless steel jeweled butt plug that has a little handle that you just go. Well, at least that's made for it to go up there. A claw machine could have got that out with no blindfolded. So anyways, oh Mary, if I had gone in the shower and I've been so out of my mind, which is very possible, not looking at the moon tracker and I go and I try to do a turd and it's clang, clang, clang with the large metal butt plug, my stomach would have gone. And I'd be like, is that Kate Moss in there? In the mirror? Right. My name is Bella Hadid. That was you after going poop. I'm called Demna Eguchi. I'm like, I'll do the show tonight. And the poop was, and the poop was, was diarrhea. It was like a trapdoor diarrhea. Yeah. It was disgusting. It was, it was, um, it was gamey. You know, it was, um, it was a real evil kind of smell. It was like evil dead rise. Lee Cronin's. Right. It was Lee Cronin's. It was the shit from like a troll under a bridge. It was like the last shit for me. Shit the last dance for me. Whatever you want to do. But this was at the hospital or before you left for the hospital? No, this was before I left to the urgent care. I hadn't showered in two days. I was, I was, I was smelling like the cat's ass. So I take that again for the people on the 405. I want to describe it. I took the trapdoor diarrhea shit. I get in the shower. I, I try to like, I'd use this lovely, um, molten brown. Oh, no pun intended. Um. A loofah? Yeah, a loofah. Oh, nice. That's nice. And those are good for kind of exfoliating. Exfoliating. And plus you never know. You're single. A doctor. What if one thing leads to another? And you're. What if they're trying to. Palpate my bony landmarks or God forbid, um, digitally extract my impacted feces and I get turned on and then I get bricked up and then I have this tiny but really hard stiff three inch boner in that nasty little hospital bed while that IV tower just goes beep, beep, beep. And we can't help but just to get it twice. We'll get to the IV tower because I would say your IV tower was beeping a lot. Mama. It's, it's, we have, this is, look at this handwritten note I got for you. This is the notebook. This is, um. Lee Cronin's notebook. Yeah, this is crazy. I wrote in cursive just like. So I go to the urgent care, you know, so I get in the shower and then I immediately get in. I call an Uber because I can't drive my, my, literally my gut is so big. It would push, push against the steering wheel. You go to the Cedars that I visit you at the Beverly Hills Cedars. I go to, I go to Solace. Um, so, so, okay. So I have two. So when I, when that antler thing fell on my head, sliced me open, I had to make two. I was a fork in the road. That's right. I forgot about that. Hold my hand. Ow. Did your head heal? Yes. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. That was crazy. Yeah. So anyways, um, I go to Solace and, uh, they, because that, if there's a fancy urgent care, you pray, you play a, uh, you pray, you pay a premium for this, a yearly membership. They make you sign a prenup. You do a prenup. Yeah, every time you get married, every time you go, every time you get married, you get engaged every time you go. Is that a cut on your head? Okay. Well, here's the prenup. Here's the prenup. What's your ring size? Your fiance will see you soon. You get to choose between a nurse practitioner, a general physician. Or a resident. This is your husband. Yeah, this is your husband. Do you love him? Doesn't matter. You're married. Okay. Um, you love who you love. I don't know how to tell you this. The heart wants what the heart wants. That's not your dad. Does that make sense? So I go to Solace. Love it. I mean, shout Mary's shout out to fucking Solace on Sam and Sunday, baby. Shout out. They're just hoping more bad things happen to you. You're keeping them in business. They're like, yeah, they're like, I think they roofied me last time. Every six weeks you walk into traffic or something and they're like, Cha-ching, cha-ching. Here she comes. Ooh, I'm going on vacation with Mark this weekend. you know um they uh so i go in there the great thing about that is that for the hour well for the money that you pay every now i could walk to um the urgent care that's um on the corner of meth street and crack alley where i live or i could get an uber that's 15 minutes to 20 minutes to solace and the benefit of that is i'm not this is not i'm not fucking advertising i'm just telling you what the t is so i go there i get seen immediately that's the point yeah because i could also languish at the urgent care and who fucking knows because i just have a stomach ache do you know what i mean at this point yeah they're treating people who have head chopped off no no mom dad brother sister gone you know what i mean they have my appendix had to come out yes i got to the i landed in when was that it was like saint louis yes it was like saint louis yeah i landed went to the hospital about midnight yeah i wasn't seen till about 5 a.m baby so tell it you really can get stuck waiting and then you're in you're in the waiting room going is this worse yeah that wendy williams clip it could get uh things could be worse you not really this is the worst this is the worst well like the vernonators uh clip where she's talking to herself and then her head explodes with the i can't i can't what kind of wig am i wearing how do i act am i gonna cry that was you going to the we're together now what so you get to solace and luckily dance that is your only solace yes that you're at solace so then but then that's when things really go poopy hits the the fan so so solace they're like uh so let me try to think this at solace they they do they do a scan i think it's the ct scan or some kind of imaging they take my credit card it's like oh and it was like some kind of insurance thing it was not that expensive and i forget why who cares so they do an image at that point if it was more expensive what's the alternative die well he was getting can i get it can i get a can i get a quote and what this is going to cost otherwise i'll just uber home and lay down and die you know that's a joke but that's actually not a joke for people who don't have an who don't have as much money as we do do you realize that it was like the first no i'm not i'm not i'm being totally serious i've never been poor thank you for illuminating that it's just so i'm gonna strangle you to death i'm gonna strangle you to death but thank god you got seen right away too well yeah but but i mean i'm just saying it's like it occurred to me although yes dire straits always as usual um one percenter i am like i know you have a poor history but you are so far gone you're so detached you are so i'm salt of the earth and you only make what 60 i'm in brooklyn trying to make men's people you're in your crystal castle while you are having fecal impaction i am in brooklyn trying to survive in this economy well i'm living it up at solace health care while you're at solace health care having some some fag digitally extract that hearted geo yeah yeah well you're faking an illness at your fancy hospital that's really the shangri-la four seasons she's got an abdominal rupture pull the dick out of your ass and go to work you faggot pull the dick pull the dildo out slap her across the face with it and tell her get back to work she died does that make sense you're constipated does that make sense girl i oh i need a break no you take a break no you don't no you don't you don't even get to the hospital yet you're telling this like it's dune i need you to make it like a tiktok yes okay this isn't an epic it's like it's like and then and then and then hold on and then yeah yeah yeah and then and then and then literally and then yeah and then well and also yeah and then yeah well let's get there okay so okay oh i'm sweating people have already gotten to work the listeners have already gotten to work i'm sweating oh wait wait oh hold on i need to do a costume reveal let's take a break long story short too late so how do we get from solace to the hospital and at what point do they go like oh what was that james they're like fag oh right at what point do they go like oh yeah sick oh surgery uh so we go from solace we do they do an image uh they hold their ear up to the belly and they go we got and they're like i can hear the twins yeah you your pussy is teeny but you're so and so they take me so we go they got to get an ambulance i've never been in an ambulance neither have i what was it like horrible oh no it was great um the um the guy was from australia but what's your we had it like we we we had we had like we had a great time and he was from um some place that we'd never been but we had to go that's not true we've been everywhere in australia no no we didn't go to canberra we've no we've been to canberra where did we go where when we on tnk live where did we not go because we'd meant to go but the bus hadn't gone there no we've been there where were we we had to go to canberra where did we not go because we'd meant to go but the bus hadn't gone somewhere but there where there's a detour or something hipping and we weren't able to make that show you remember oh i remember that place i do forget what it was exactly but we were meant to go there and we didn't go and that's where he's from oh so what is your disposition at this point are you getting more concerned i was scared i was frightened i had to slide my feet it was a little weird so they do this they do an imaging and they say like what do they say they see uh they said there's a there's a um they said there is there seems to be a significant bowel obstruction so we're going to send you to like yeah i take wicked shits my poop's so big i was like make sense i was like rodney my upstairs neighbor is in there right now and he will we are in a huge fight will you give him a message it makes a lot of sense because i have not been able to find my komodo dragon leon that foot that that um you know brett farb had autographed a football that is mysteriously missing from my apartment right now is there a pigskin up there oh my god so i get in an ambulance to go to cedars it was that was like oh are you fucking kidding me it's like 11 o'clock at night right and i'm like i hope i can go get home to watch the next episode of hacks you think you're going home to watch oh i just think i'm going to i'm going to like no no you know what you're giving what you're giving in titanic once you're getting the lifeboats and she's like are they going to be arranged by class you think you're going to malibu for a rejuvenation is it um are they are they um is it in order of age right you are getting your back you're bejazzling yeah yeah i'm just going to get my clip pierced you're going to and they're going to shoot a prehistoric prehistoric cloud up your pussy they're taking me to ruse third house and i'm going to get a coffee red wine colonic you're getting a red wine she's sober coffee enema coffee enema with whatever happened to merle major dickinson's um french roast you and merle getting a folgers best part of waking up is coffee in your butt shit no okay french black coffee the oil the thick black oil oh oh no oh the um the um no like the italian espresso you know those they're like this is a keurig that's that mean espresso so sabrina carpenter four feet tall she's getting on an apple box to like stuff a tube up my she's driving the ambulance she can't see over that wheel that's why she has the white boots to push the pedals but madonna won't shut up in the driver's seat she's got her grill on to giving her directions you can't oh my she won't take the grill out to give directions she's like she slaps the phone out for safety but then won't madonna do we turn left or right madonna does do you think i should go back on she's like i can't hear you with the grill on granny slaps are dead we won't we all die right get to the hospital and that's where the hara hara h-a-w-r-r-a the hara begins that's where lee cronin's the hospital comes in i go i get wheeled in on a gurney jesus of course because what is about to start trauma but are you living or are you like no no it's it's i'm experiencing in real time trauma it's about intestinal trauma it's about medical trauma it's about generational trauma the whole thing is the the beginning of a cascade of trauma does it hurt though or do you just feel so much like what does it feel like it hurts burning is it well so i've never experienced bloating i think many of our listeners will have known especially if you're uh you got the female pipes down there you get your period or whatever endometriosis any any whole host of like inflammation gas mary gas yeah sorry screaming no no you're right yeah so i i'm taking tom's hello symbiotic plus hello catch it pre-post biotic uh i take it i do too i'm taking the prenatal now i miss you so much i do take the prenatal it has you know there's stuff in it i want i don't have to be pregnant i want it i am entitled to it i want to feel good and you know what i was taking too many vitamins before the symbiote you are not courtney act get those three suitcases of vitamins out of my kitchen the ritual vitamins i'd only take like a few a day now i used to take so many to get off this is not an ad i mean there might be an ad is your piss like pink flamingo right like pink no i take too much b12 though and so it is a little yellow so does alia no it's a little yellow when you take too much b12 for me at least it gets a little yellow i was like at least it's dead mary r.i.p so um it's feeling like twisting pain no it feels like um like a balloon it feels like a balloon filled with a poisonous gas like a bike pump hooked up to your like and there's no like i'm like it just so when you a cramp think about think about your worst abdominal cramp you know sometimes you have to shit and you can't or whatever and you feel like you feel gas in your colon or your small like in the side or the back you're like it's like that it's that everywhere oh my god the whole around like i had an inner tube of excruciating pain literally from from here down to here all around to the back as well so i go to the um put a corset on? Don't you think that would have kind of squeezed? Of course. But I'm not thinking rationally. I stopped wearing my waist train under bed. I don't have cucumber slices on my eyes like you told me to do. I'm looking like Lee Cronin's The Mummy and I'm feeling like Lee Cronin's Ritual Symbiotic Plus. Lee Cronin's The Whale. I'm feeling like The Whale. Except I'm not jerking off reading English papers. Did you see Brendan Fraser's Doing The Mummy again? He put something online like, listen, I'm at my age, I'm doing my best. Who's presenting it? Lee Cronin. Ronan Farrow's expose on Lee Cronin's sequel to the novel Pushed by Sapphire by Lee Daniels, the butler's remake of The Mummy by Tom Cruise featuring Brendan Fraser. But you know, Rachel Weisz, she's not able to do it, so guess who they're getting? Susan Boyle. Did you see Susan Boyle's new look? No, are you going to make me a fun number? I can't deal with it. I'm not. I'm not making fun of anything. She's in a wig now with sunglasses. She's in like in a winter look. It's like a bob with big sunglasses. She's doing Hannah Montana. No, it's like Adele. Remember when Adele was always in like all black with like glasses? That was Harriet the Spy. I don't know, girl. She's dead too. It's all Trachtenberg. Yeah. Wait, is this the, are we just going to do tragedy after? Sad music? That's kind of inappropriate. Look, Susan Boyle. It's giving Gemma Collins kind of audience. It's giving Anna Wintour had to leave the Met Gala early, so she called her friend Susan to come in and just like, can you just do the last Can you just sit like this? Can you believe that? Isn't that fierce? She's announcing her new era. Love it. I love it too. The Onion the other day was like their article was like Anna Wintour had to abruptly close the Met Gala because her parents came home early. She issues a statement that she promises next year her parents will not come home from a group early so that she doesn't have to go to a wedding. She's like Sabrina Carpenter was caught repelling out of the window. Beyonce used the drain of her dress. Like it's a house party and they're not trying to get home. That's so stupid. It was so funny. Okay. So I get, so they, so the guy from, he wheels me into the, into the, the Whiting room area. Yeah. And I know that people from Australia kept like wondering how did she all of a sudden learn Australian? I didn't know I was pregnant. It was big. I was very like, is it twins? Are they both dead? Is it like, they're dead. Right. So I was like, maybe stillbirth, whatever. I get in there and it's, so it goes from, it's still in terror. I'm in terror. I'm doing like all of another in terror phone. Yes. Big time. Cause I'm like, I don't know what's going on. I honestly don't know what's going on. At least you're at the hospital. Yes. Like, but you got to realize and you know, I've had many, many, many scary events, mostly mental health related. Yeah. Can I say the reason I thought this would have been particularly terrifying for you is cause let's be honest. Every time you've had some kind of event, it's been primarily related to psychosis. And so I always wonder, do you even remember what we remember when this happened? So usually, unfortunately, or fortunately, Whereas this time you had your faculties. No, no, no. I wasn't, I wasn't, I was extremely aware and connected to a consensus reality. And the pain. And the pain. Right. Cause when I'm, when I, when I'm Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible with my dingling out, twinging berries visible in the hot sun of Los Angeles, I don't know where I am. Right. And I don't know what I'm doing. And even if you weren't in pain, you wouldn't know. No. Thank God you, falling into a fountain. Can't feel it. Didn't know what happened. Right. Was told later. Jumping on a FedEx car. Moving. Didn't know it. Told later. No bruises. Um, so anyways, I'm not, I'm not honestly glibly, I'm not glamorizing that. That's not funny. But like. No, no, no. You, there was nothing glamorous about what you just said. So. It wasn't a successful glamorification. Okay. And we actually have the footage. Can we roll the tape? But I just said that and I feel like you repeating that is kind of like you're coming for my glamour. So it's not your glamorous life mama. Oh, okay. That's Fergie. Okay. Well, honestly, it was my glamorous life because I had the day off because of you. Is it Fergie? So I was like, every time I come around by the gather mountains, I was feeling it. Why come every, how come every time the bitch goes down. Can I say that, and this is kind of jumping ahead Tarantino style. The gigs we had to cancel because of you. Oh yeah. You're like. It's maybe the only time I relax because it's not, I don't feel bad because there's nothing I can do about it. So I'm like. So this was actually, we were skipping forward to the, I was actually helping you. Help yourself. Thank God. Yeah. No, no. So I want to show up that turn up there myself. If it meant I get a day off. It's one of those tours that then like you can't, you can't like, do you know what I mean? Those things that you, it's like tears everything on the way out. No, no, no, no, no. It's like a, you know, how the, those okay. Let me do it again. Jurassic Park. Imagine, imagine it goes up and then goes so you can't. Oh, like the the, the, the, the dick with the spikes on it. Exactly. Isn't it some kind of animal has a dick with spikes on it? Um, it it's like, um, a corkscrew. It's like a duck or something. A pig has a corkscrew dick. Does a dolphin have a dick with spikes on it? I don't know, but they do be RAPING. Let's talk about that next episode. Okay. So we go into, we go into the, the waiting room for the, the the ER waiting room at Cedars. It, now we're not. It's a who's who. It's, oh, it's I'm. You sit next to Fat Amy. No, no, you're sitting. No, no. I'm sitting next to Grandpa Flick. Right. Rose the hat, no hat. And like, it's, I'm, I'm sitting with the, the, um, the, what do they call it? The true not? Except it's the true N-O-T. The ERs in the bigger cities are wild child. No, it's not fun. We got, we got legs. It's a flea market vibe. We got legs chopped off. We got motorcycle accidents. You could adopt a puppy right there in the room. Yes. Yeah. I, I joined a pyramid scheme. I started selling leggings because it took so long. And then I, um, then they took me upstairs to whatever. And they're like, um, this is where the trauma started. They're like, so we have to insert an NG tube into, um, we have to insert an NG tube. And I was like, okay, I don't know what that means. So like, so we have, we, they did another image. They did. So they did first, they took me to x-ray. They did an x-ray. Then they had to do it, um, uh, MRI. Then they had to do another, the CT scan. So they did three different images. And they're like, every time they came back with, from, with the results, they're like, it's, so it's actually a lot more, a lot more serious than we thought. So it's either this, you might have a small bowel obstruction and there's like, well, actually it's a lot more serious. And then the third time they're like, so we need to insert an NG tube. And so to pump out some fluid that's, um, that is uh, flooding your stomach and, and, and has entered your abdominal cavity. So I'm like, okay. And so. What are you going to say? No, thank you. I was like, I was like, does it have eyes? Right. Cause like, is it like, what else? Like, you're just checking me out. Is the tube cute? Do you have like a YSL tube? Yeah, I was like, what color is that? Yeah. Yeah. So I didn't realize what they were talking about until it happened. And then this, that queen comes in and asked me how many times, I'll just say they cause who fucking knows what gender they were. Um, honestly though, if I'm not sure, I just say they. I was pissed. I hated them. No, I know. It has nothing to do with their gender or sexuality. We're going to get to my monologue that I gave when I thought you were asleep. Cause that's really fierce. And I can fact check it. It's fierce. I was like this. So what does it feel like when they put the tube in? Cause I touched the tube. It's like a, it's hard plastic. And how thick was it? Who would play her? You would not joke. It was like a garden hose. Yes. It really was. Who would play her? It would be a home depot. It was like, um, peanut M&M around like this big. And also the gauge of the thickness of the tube itself. This was no, it was hard plastic. It was, it was hard plastic where you could where you would struggle to bend it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you couldn't just kink up. It's not like a, it wasn't flexible like a garden hose. It's not a tube you could swing around. No. It was hard plastic. No, it was like a tube that you could spray something out of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So it took him or it took them, who the fuck here, I don't know who it was, but it took them three fucking times to get that thing down there. And they're going through the, so they said, they, he said we're gonna lube this thing up. We're gonna stick it. He says this is gonna be very uncomfortable. You just have to try as hard as you can to swallow. This reminds me of when they put that tube up my penis to get, to get in my bladder. And they said, the more you fight it, the worse it is. They said, you just have to try to like, let it happen. They said, cause it's a sphincter. Once you start fighting it, they're not gonna get it in. No. So it was like, so like try to, cause it needs to go down. It has to go down. Just swallow, swallow, swallow. So I was like, it happened. As it's happening, I They should have dipped it in gravy, you fat cunt. And then you would have just deep throated it. Don't you think? Or, or, or, or, um, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, those, um, um, um, the sugar things, the, the pixie sticks. Oh! Sours punch straw. That would have been sickening, actually. Should have been Twizzler. They should have just hollowed out one of those jumbo Twizzlers. Nerd throat. It's a nerd throat, honey. Fruit by the foot. Just, just twist up some fruit by the foot and just shove it down. Yeah, a red vine. Girl. Yeah, go to, go to, um, go to Costco. Go down to the Willy Wonka. They could change it every day. Yes. They could do two in each nostril. So anyways, they get it down there, and it's like, it's one of those things where, like, I'm, I'm not used to, like, being aware or, like, this is, to me, this is surgical discomfort with no anesthesia, right? Well, yeah. So I'm like, I'm like, Cause you, you have natural instincts to choke or cough when someone's gonna do this. Yes. So they get it down there, they get it down there, and I'm like, instantly, the stomach starts to deflate as three liters of bile is pumped out of the stomach. What color is the bile? Dark, dark green. Look at that backpack. It's dark, actually, it's darker than that. It's like, you can literally feel the decompression. So it feels, so there's instant relief. That is literally. How fast is it coming out? Like a coffee drip? It's like, no, it's more than a coffee drip. It's about, it's like, it's like a labored piss. It's like, so it's like almost it's a steady stream. It's a steady stream. Holy shit. Three liters. And are they pushing or it's just naturally coming out? No, it's, it's, there's a suction, so it's attached to a suction. Oh, it's a suction. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Some little physician's assistant is going shut. No, what I would have done I would have got a running start down the hallway. Run and chokes like elbow smash Into your stomach and I would have got that shit out fast Well mama you wouldn't even have needed to have done the hose Because I would have exorcisted that shit right Into the next room and filled it up Shut the door end of story But you're watching the fluid coming out being like I'm like Right No so the stomach Deflates considerably not totally There's a significant amount of pain That has been relieved however guess what It's just transferred To the unimaginable discomfort Of the tube So it's like your body's noticing this other thing You could have chili with noodles It was like I'm gonna punch you in the face or I could stick some Knife up your ass So as this gets better you become aware Of like oh The whole time The whole time And then I realize that they're not gonna let The tube's not coming out for a good long while And they say we're gonna have to do emergency surgery So this is 2am Fierce That's when I call you and say Tell the twins I love them No you sent me a text like 3am that was like Having emergency surgery I think there was a typo that says I am sure to die Please delete my history It was late though I don't even know if I got it that night No you didn't it was like 2.30 in the morning But you know I'm also You're practicing your set for Bonnaroo at home It's not even on And I'm like You're like boyfriend look at that the TV's not on 100% 100% You're right You're out there on the balcony You got sugar on the balcony No no no I'm at the oven And I have the range The electric range They're on I'm burning my fingers You're checking the cookies There's just a stuffed animal in there Absolutely So they do How long does the surgery take? Obviously you don't remember Because you were asleep but So the anesthesia So So they come in So I get They They fuck me They give you anesthesia They burn my body Fuck you And people When they say anesthesia You're like You think it's gonna be like Putting you under But what happens is They fuck you I mean And they don't even put you out for it They just come in And they fuck you Well they shave me down They shave your body Of course And then they go get margarine Rub it Sternum to tail And they fuck you And it's kind of It's a lot But When in Rome When in Rome And you have insurance And I get the tube up there Right And I get the tube up there It's a distraction Hello And guess what they And they start putting things In the tube Viagra There's liquid Liquid IV Liquid Viagra No no Liquid Viagra A little bit of Viagra A little bit of Viagra Dr. Bloom I need to go back Are you bricked? I noticed you're bricked Okay They said we can't do the surgery Until you get rid of your giant Trimex boner And so they go get Some trizepatide And you start a GLP-1 They check the moon tracker Clear Yep Oh Okay So they say Unfortunately we have to go You have to go It's not Clear It's two irons Like doctor The skin is having A very strange reaction Oh my god So how long is it for real? So the anesthesiologist comes So the anesthesiologist comes Oh I'd do it again I'd do it again Hot It's Katherine Heigl She's smoking She's smoking in the hospital He's got a cigar in the hand And a cigarette in the mouth No he's so hot No he's got a cigar And then he's holding Katherine Heigl Who's holding a cigarette In a headlock He's got her in a headlock She's choking her out She's naked from the waist down She's got a lab coat on I guess who else is there Joe Camel We coded Joe Camel By the way I had not been smoking Well thank god But I had not been smoking I would have died But I had not been smoking No Well with the infection risk Yeah So Joe Camel What I think you looked like During surgery Joe Camel The guy in the Beetlejuice waiting room Yes I think that's you in the waiting room Being like But try to quit I'm literally the person Chopped in half with the legs Of course Of course Mom, dad So anesthesiologist puts you under Anesthesiologist I hope Fucks me No I'm just kidding He's so hot But also the pain in the nose You're probably not going to get it right You're probably like Put me under Anyway Thanks so much Well no no no So I'm considering So what I had was So this is The Bald and Beautiful in cursive I didn't know you knew cursive Or how to write You smell like hospital G.I. Jane G.I. get it? Oh yeah Yeah yeah yeah So nine months pregnant So emergency surgery This is all maybe wrong But I didn't bring my papers Decompressive aneurotomy Exploratory laparotomy So exploratory means They cut me open And took all of my intestines Out of my body And put my intestines Out onto the table I don't know And the small bowel resection So they didn't I don't I forget what dissection A dissection is just opening And this is honestly For all those fisters out there Like Well Because that's kind of exploratory too This is Yeah but they're going From the other end Oh Mine was Mine was So mine was like They had to decompress my stomach My intestines were twisted Which could Was There's a big risk of this The tissue deadening Dead bowel Yeah Because you can get I was reading about it Yeah A big part of what causes it Is like Lack of blood flow Yeah exactly And then the smooth processes Can't do anything Because there's no oxygen There's no The tissue just gets Yeah Dead Dead And it's also The smooth muscle As people know Is involuntary muscle You don't have any control over it It works by itself Yeah So then decompressive aneurotomy Exploratory laparotomy Small bowel reset I think They cut So they had to cut Two small holes Into my small intestine And reattach them At different places After They did a full Small and large Intestinal irrigation Your guts Love many many things Being touched Palpated by human hands Outside of the abdominal cavity And power washed Not so much Not so much And then Full intestinal irrigation And then sloppy Wet head From the anesthesiologist With teeth Or no Teeth Or no teeth I'm not Well they pulled out All your teeth Which was kind of confusing Fairly grown into the mummy They put in my mom's dentures With a pussy I signed the wrong name And then as I'm starting To leak dead lady juice At the funeral They're like What in the hell When I found out They were moving part Of your digestive system I thought they were Going to make you a pussy And then every time Zim guy was going to fuck you He was going to say It felt like an ass Well I know that It was going to be like When I came back With a colostomy bag Thriving You were going to be like Paper or plastic That's a life saving procedure And so So when these two So two faggots Who you know And I won't I won't mention any names Andrew and Joseph Came to visit me They were like For them They were like They're very attractive Gay people So like I know you're saying Oh so are you girl You're so hot girl And I bet you looked Even better With your Frankenstein scar And your garden hose Up your nose girl Thank you very much Thank you Thank you The necrophiliacs Probably wanted It Thank you Tootsie You know what it all gives Crimes of the future A hundred percent But they would do sex Yeah Tell me So she's doing sex Kristen Stewart Actually was She was in the surgical team That's your anesthesiologist The wet head Women in Hollywood Women in Hollywood No so They So once Andrew and Joseph Came to visit I was looking like Grandpa Flick As you saw Now Girl Like that was Did they come before me They came before me They came before you I You came So I came alone Cause I Didn't know if you wanted to guess And I knew you wouldn't Kick me out of house alone Touch my hand again I'm so happy you came When you came Cause as horrible As I looked then Sweetie You are not prepared You love Dr. Sleep I love Dr. Sleep That's where One of the big Venn diagrams Of our movie loving converge I'm not I'm not joking We have some shared interests With Dr. Sleep Polo and pan And sloppy Sloppy wet head With teeth And sloppy wet head With teeth From a cigarette Lady in Katherine Heigl I don't know You know In a headlock In a headlock So what So what Sue me Sue me Take us to people's court Spielberg is about to launch Disclosure day The aliens are coming So what if I want to get Sloppy wet head From Katherine Heigl With a cigarette In the hospital In front of my friends So what if she burns my balls You know what else it gives Burn my balls You know what else it gives The baby on the stomach From Total Recall Quanto lives That's what it also gives When Joseph and Andrew came I said I had I was like I was like I couldn't talk I was getting really weak Or no Jennifer and your boyfriend came Yes On my birthday And gave me the lovely present from you Which thanks so much Of course I was really really sweet I told them You get out of here I was filming I was doing the pod or something Yeah And they were gonna go And they asked me Should we go I said well I was just there I said I only stayed about an hour And I could tell she wanted me to leave So I just stayed like an hour and left Oh wait wait wait So before I left They gave you Dilaudid And you went Immediately Like you were exhausted Yeah yeah The slightest suggestion Of that drug in your system It was like a county fair hypnosis Like sleep No it was Marion Cotillard At the end of The Dark Knight Rises I was like Yes a hundred percent So I'm standing there And the nurse Her name was like Eileen or something It was Eleanor Eleanor Yeah And I go Thank you so much For taking care of him I said And I thought you were asleep I go He does not do well With discomfort She started Or pain She started her Fucking I'm auditioning With this monologue Well, no, because we forgot that you're laying there in bed and you ring your buzzer like this hello i've got my hand on my hand on the call thing with the but almost hello hello and i go find somebody and it's like that clip in that movie my daughter she needs her shot at 10 o'clock no i go my colleagues in there and his this thing is baby he just needs a little help and they took i mean two and a half hours they took a long time to come they did but you were you were not exactly um miss gracious hello oh hello like they saved your life and you were pissed off they didn't dr bloom did thanks and then so i think she's asleep and i thank god she's been treating these people like this this whole time so i go once you're asleep i go i said how often can you get pain medicine and they said well he's been approved for dilaudid for every four hours but we don't want to encourage it because it can slow down digestive system we're trying to get it to heal yes and i said okay well i said you better tell him that because he's gonna want it every four hours every four minutes yeah and then i go i know he's kind of a baby he does not do well with pain or discomfort or inconvenience and he's not very patient yeah and then he's like he's also i'm sure you've noticed and you're a very nice lady so you want him in it so ugly yeah and he has the tiniest dick i'm not sure if you know it's a man they're not burns that's just his face yes so have you seen um have you seen the movie pet cemetery and also that is a dick it's just small yeah and i know the balls look like they're swollen right that's just silicone of course of course and then those aren't tattoos he's been branded yeah and that um all that soot around where his anus used to be yeah and i said you might recognize him nexium rick cronin rick cronin's nexium no so we were she was like how do you guys know each other i said yeah lovers she said what do you guys do i said oh we do podcasting and tv she goes oh really and i said and you were asleep and i go you know what maybe this will maybe they'll give him this little special treatment i go you know he's actually really famous and they go really i said yeah and i brought up your instagram and i showed him a picture of you and me the grandpa flick and rose the hat no she goes oh my god he's beautiful zooms in on my face you know what as soon as you leave the the room she robbed me no no you know what it was i let her have it i said yeah that's her she looks great she looks great sure how does she get that line work so precise i know wow with those trembling cracky hands i go i don't know if he wants everyone here to know but yeah he's really famous i said i bet somebody here will recognize him and that's when my eyes went and that fucking bitch she had no she looked at you and you're like this yeah i was i was like i was like this and then and then back to mary and coach guard yeah so then i was just like i basically was just like i because i got the sense that maybe you were treating these people this way the whole time so i was just like i know he's just he's just kind of he doesn't do well with a discomfort but like you know well let's fast forward we're gonna fast forward which i wish i could have done no we're not we're not we're not stopping until jennifer and my boyfriend stop by jennifer and your boyfriend who is just spoiler alert the loveliest man in this world she does not deserve i don't want to see my camera i don't where's my camera she doesn't this fucking rotted pig whoever you are mr boyfriend i haven't met you yet well i don't want to say his name so i've been thinking no no i know we're going mr wonderful calling him blanket mr wonderful oh mr wonderful thank you so mr or remember that mr wonderful the the toy you had it's like you look so beautiful today it's like that he's like that where was he while i was languishing in brooklyn for 10 days food and water so they come at jennifer you're a dream guy they go do you think they'll he'll he'll mind if because it was your birthday yes they said do you think he'll mind if we just stop by and i said i don't know if he wants business i said to be honest i was there alone and i only stayed an hour i said but if you just go and he tells you to leave at you went so they go yeah and i say why don't you bring my birthday present for him because i was gonna give it to you on the pod yeah it was a huge hardened uh piece of cat no i actually felt bad because i'm like oh great we're giving the sick person something they have to carry home in a few days like i was like that was kind of short-sighted but they come and they tell me that they walk in and you have a hat on you're in the hospital bed with a hat on because i'm ashamed of looking like my four gray hairs are growing in grandpa flick not fierce the the terrifier right again anyways they come in go ahead i would i i suggested they pick up your unit wait oh for you coming with the unit for your birthday changed everything everything so i mean think look at what it does look at the difference look at the material and then and then not to be not to be morbid but sometimes it's some you know how they say lipstick on a pig sometimes if you really just if you think it through and you take contrary action like they talk about in certain recovery programs a little bit of sparkle goes a long way you look like jojo siwa and i feel like her i feel like a million dollars it's very picture day queen so okay so they told me that they walked in you said grab my hand and they said grab your hand you grab their hands and they said no more than 90 seconds later you were like you can leave now and they left well so okay so i just cliff notes i then endured 10 days one zero that's three more than a week and what you said to the eleanor is absolutely true i have no threshold for discomfort i am kim cattrall i do not want to spend more than 30 sorry i do not want to spend more than 30 minutes of my life and doing something i don't want to do so this was 24 240 hours yes and how do you think it was for the nurses hello no no no no no no no no so i so then okay so i didn't i didn't watch one episode of television i didn't listen to one song why i couldn't i couldn't vote i could not be distracted so i i i literally stared into space alone in the prison of my own body famous prison lady gargar i could not do anything i listened to a one talk by alan watts three times mind over mind highly recommended on youtube and that's all i was just i couldn't there's nothing that could offer me relief i couldn't even watch hacks on my ipad i couldn't listen to things on my i couldn't do anything because i just there was i don't know your abacus i had my abacus i had my my italian all the colors and i but i couldn't do anything and then um i listened to mind over mind three times that really helped but this is what crazy what happened i had to call our manager about day six seven well first of all during my birthday i had dreams i went through a retrospective of every single thing i've done horribly wrong in my life starting from my first memory up into the present day vivid it's been a long fucking dream must have been a real coma honey things that there's there's a thing in game of thrones i said you know my father always said there's um there's wisdom in one's mistakes and she goes you must be very wise by now it's like that very it's like it's very that a lot of night games also gives alissa edwards when sharon was like i'd always said if i wasn't uh famous by 35 i'd be a serial killer and alissa goes well girl how old are you i'll get nervous love that shit it's very bad it's very bad so then i um a couple days later uh grandpa flick now this is anybody who's seen seen dr flick when grandpa flick is in the camp dying i'm not joking i'm not i'm this is like you know dr beanbow off um no bang bald face like telling truth i actually looked like him i looked 70 david david i look 70 get a fucking walker and put me in it love you but you it was it was frightening right it was scary i believe you yes and i think we all believe that you could look like shut the fuck i'm not being funny no i know but you know how people like i don't have even when you should even when you have a beach ball you're like i got body dysmorphia saved your life no i got body um body philly euphoria you having body euphoria i'm like i think i have i think i'm fucking sydney sweeney with my cutoff sweater and my under boob like no but that is me when i'm at stores and i'm like i'm like do you have a smaller size there's like and then i go try to get a smaller size and then i go try to get a it doesn't fit i'm like what is this she's like why why is this place flopping so hard but also more importantly how do i look this hot in this mirror right why where is lee cronin where is he lee cronin's the gap lee cronin's justice so so so i called so i call our manager and i'm exasperated do you know why because for what appears what would in my consciousness feels like eight to ten hours i have been i have been put through the ringer with with our entire netflix crew in the room in the hospital room and i'm doing adr in in there shooting around my ng tube to do half of a post-production reshoot and a marketing rollout for a selma hayek heist movie that's a netflix original now this is this is out of anesthesia i have not been there's no um this is no psychoactive drug in my head for it more than i would have passed a piss test is my point at this point but no one would take it does anybody want my pee now's a good time you saw it it was right at there it was dark orange tea it well it looked like tea it looked like someone pumped motor oil it looked like irish breakfast tea it was crazy it looked like earl fog gray it looked like a london fog it looked like an affogato it looked like tapatio it was crazy it was the was the super spicy at the boat at the at the taco stand when you said when you mix the green and the red it was crazy it was gross it was crazy it was like um sea monkeys it looked like blood no it it it was it was red and brown and orange thank you and then we got green in the in the um coming out the ng tube it was the coat of many colors it was There was sand on the bottom. You know, when you ever get that really smoky salsa that's like brown, it was like that floating in the bottom. No, for real. It was like separating like a sand art. It was Clint Eastwood's Gran Torino. Girl, and your nurse, Charlie's Africa, was in there testing it. And she said, she's like, ah. So then, so then, so I called David. It took me about 60 seconds to realize, he's like, first of all, he's incredulous. He doesn't know what the fuck I'm talking about. He's like, hey, um, yeah, I'll call Maddie. But, uh, so, um, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you want from me? What do you think is happening? What are you talking about? And then he was like, what do you mean what I'm talking about? I was like, this is crazy. I was like, I know we have Netflix on the, I was like, I know. I was like, I cannot do anything. I'm in the hospital. I can't even go to the bathroom. He's like. He's like, okay. Um, so there's nobody. So there's nobody there. He's like, you're so lucky you didn't call me. He's being gentler than I would have been. He's like, he's like, well, he, first of all, he's trying to figure out what I'm talking about. So he's like, in the same, he's like, his is like, what the fuck? So he's not gonna be like, what the fuck are you talking about? Cracky. Right. Because I'm like, so I'm so in whatever. Then knowing, I was like, oh my God. David. I'm crazy. I was like, David, I'm crazy. He's like, well, it could be, it's the anesthesia. Like, like you're, you. What is that too? Also. And Dilaudid, which is a little bit psychoactive. It's a morphine. It's a morphine adjacent. With, with here is the, here, here is the catalyst. You know how like in, in chemistry, there's a chemical reaction from one comment that makes it a catalyst is a catalyst. Oh yeah. Yeah. No sleep. Oh. Oh yeah. No sleep. You know, but Janet Jackson. How am I supposed to sleep with no sleep? Janet Jackson featuring J. Cole. Or J. Smooth or J. Somebody. No sleep. So because the, the, the, every, uh, two hours, every 20 minutes to two hours. That machine. What does that machine mean? How much I'm intentionally annoying the listeners. If you're on the five, the 10 or the one 10 or whatever right now, I'm going to be intentionally annoying. I'm going to be intentionally annoying the listeners. Every time a bag of IV, whatever, you know, they had like, like fruit flavor. They got fruit. They got like, what kicks it is. No one comes in. It beeps like there's urgency. Say it again. Say it again. Say it again. No one comes in. Girl, say it again. No one comes in. Say it again. Say it again. No one comes in. Nobody came in. But it beeps like it's urgent. Yeah. It beeps like it's a nothing happens. It beeps at, you know, and this isn't for real. Anybody who works at Cedars, whether you're a tech, whether you're- You better watch your mouth. The next time you're in there, they're going to be like, isn't that bitch who said something, had a lot to say about me in the press. Miley, what's good? Oh, no, baby, baby. They're all on my side. We're all, we're all, oh, you're kidding me? We're all at the town. We're all at the Dr. Goldstein's fundraiser. Mary, we're all at Barbara. We're all at the gala. We're all, we're all- You brought this on yourself. We're all doing $2,500 a plate at the Cedars-Sinai fundraiser, and we're all getting our pitchforks and torches out because we know everybody, staff, doctors, neurology, rheumatology, post-op, everybody, urology- Pre-op, post-op, op. Post-op, pussies, Thailand, anybody. We know that those IV towers have got to go. Right. So anyways, every, so that, I'm screaming. And it's also in the age of the Apple Watch. Why don't we just notify them on their, like, what does the sound do? But it's not necessarily the sound. It's the, the volume is the same volume at which a flatline would occur. Right. It's a Boeing 7, 707. It's the same. Like, if you went, eh, it's, I'm not, I'm not joking. And everybody can attest to this. But how do you know what a flatline sounds like? Because people were dying left and right. He died. No, but I mean, I was like, there's no, I was like, this is, there's no louder sound than this. And everybody would, would, so fast forward, I, after my Vogue shoot. So after Netflix got out of the room, thank God for David. Our, our, our manager, I was like, oh, I'm crazy. I hallucinated this. That makes sense. I didn't see almost did though. But I had a gig out of town and I was in drag. Do you know, I almost stopped by in drag with Pete who's going to create our patron. Yeah. I almost stopped by with him in drag, like patch Adams. No, like John Cena visiting a kid in the hospital. You should have. I'm so, I'm so, I'm so crestfallen that you didn't. Between that though. And Jennifer actually showing up. It would have made. Your dream made more sense. Yes. Yes, it would have. And also it would have probably. So when, when, uh, Grace Coddington and I had finished our Vogue shoot for Vogue accessories. Right. We did, we did a huge long day. It was, I realized. I always get dream wants to see accessories. They're going to come look at your hot glue. No, no, no. Do you realize that they had to rhinestone the NG tube? And then it obviously it didn't work because it was so gross. They had to shoot around me for the whole thing. I've never felt more humiliated my entire life. The photographer, I could hear him making comments about how disgusting it was under his breath. Right. They had put a Hermes scarf. Over the, the suction to hide the, the draining nasty thing. And it was a, the most exhaustive real life dream or not dream in between twilight, um, hallucination. I was fuming the whole time and I'm also hungry, but I was in solidarity because all the models were starving too. And there was no crafty. Oh, they also, I remember they wouldn't give you water and you could only have ice chips. No, no, no. They said this. They said, if you really need to have relief, here's a toothpick. With a, with a sponge at the end that you can swab the inside of your mouth with ice chips. I said, I took that cup. I threw that swab in the corner. I took the cup and I shoved it down my throat. But they told me it's because they needed to get more bile out of you before they could put more fluid. Yes. And if they, if I do, if I drank or if I, if I chugged, if I threw a cup of water down there, it gets immediately sucked up through the tube and then it dilutes the solution. So they don't know how much I'm actually releasing. That's what they told me. But at a certain point I was like, you know what? I understand that. At this point. The tricks, the dolls are the dolls. Mama, the dolls were the dolls. I was like, I took those ice chips. I, at one time, I know we're almost, I know we're going over, but like. Well, you're so, ice, I don't know, chips. People don't, don't, don't. Miss Big said chips? Chips. Anything with chips. Frida? Honey. Say no more. Chips. Oh, they baked or fried. Oh, thank you. I'll, I'll, we can talk about diet in the Step Down Nutritional Program for the, for the next episode. But one night I was, so I, then, then I started having. I was having nightmares during the four hours I was able to sleep from when I could, when the, I, so they didn't come in to do, they come in to do blood pressure every two hours. So in addition to having six bags all time differently beeping, it was so incredible with the NG tube. So there's no sleep. There's tube, another tube, IV port, veins are collapsing. Got to do the PICC line up here. It was so crazy. It's a myth that you get to rest in the hospital. They wake you up constantly. So that was, that was a big thing. I didn't know that. But you don't. People who are in the hospital for 10 days are usually in the ICU. So, so I, um, so fast forward after the Vogue accessory shoots, which was a huge hit, by the way, despite me, they'd come out of the whole thing. Um, uh, they nurse, have you ever seen Nurse Jackie? Anybody who's a fan of Merritt Weaver from Nurse Jackie, um, Merritt Weaver, Emmy winning actress. She's so funny. Is that Carmela Soprano? I know. Yes. Yes. Yes. That's Jackie. Yeah. And so her, and then the, the co-star, um, that movie, that show is so fabulous, by the way, Betty Gilpin. Oh. Um, eats. She just ate in Widow's Bay. She eats in everything. She just ate the shit out of Widow's Bay. I did too, as the wet hag who sat on the guy's face and got thrown off the thing with a recliner. Another story. But, but then, so the day that she comes and I, she comes in with like, Audrey, here's her name, Audrey at Cedars-Sinai, the nurse. You are the only nurse. She, there's a lot of great nurses, but she was, she comes in and she's got this like glint in her eye and I'm like, what's going on? It wasn't, it wasn't like, yeah, no, it was like, it was like. It was like, she has, there was some good news. She said, haven't you noticed anything? Yeah, she's like, yeah, she's like, so I, um, you know, I had to tell you about Glenn, right? My Glenn, um, you know, uh, she comes in and she's got like a particular, she's a very upbeat person, super capable, very confident, not meek or anything. How much play her? Um, Merit Weaver. Oh, right. Like down. I'm in, down, down, loud, confident, funny as hell. Personal, sweet, extremely talented, very, very, very good at her job. She comes in. And I'm like, what is she doing? She's like, she's like, I'm paraphrasing. She's like, she looks, she sits on the side and she's like, are you ready? I was like, ready for what? She's like, you know what? I was like, the tube is coming out. I was like, the tube is coming. I was like, are you, I was like, don't you fucking play with me, bitch. Cause if this was a joke. Oh, I'll unplug myself. Merit Weaver would be Samara Weaver, ready or not being killed. I mean, I would have, I would have murdered her. I was like, you don't fuck with me like that, bitch. She's like, oh yeah, it's coming out. And there was no, there was no, she was like, right now. And she just pulled. She said, take a deep breath in. And she was like, she ripped that shit out. And I might. I would have done, I would have tied it to the door and slammed it like a loose tube. It was basically, it was so long. I mean, it was, it was, well, it was disgusting. And, and wet and gross. It was like, but it goes, it went. So it's snotty. Like it was mucusy. Well, yeah, it was totally really gross. It was all the way down there. I don't like that. No, it was about 13, 16 inches. That's gross. What you did. Yeah. You should be ashamed of yourself. Do you ever think about, you know, just die next time. So she, she clown, clown, um, thingy that you, what is it with the, yeah, and, and then. And I was, so she, I am transcending. I'm lifting off. I'm evil dead rising off of the hospital bed. And by the way, shit the bed. Whoops. And then, yeah. And that was the night. You probably shit the bed and looked over like that, that, that, that Satan baby. No, that's what she did to me. What's the thing about it? She's like, she was like, and then she wasn't left. She didn't even work there. She was a ghost the whole time. It was a fan. It was a ghost. It was a fan. She took it. Turns out the doctor was a woman. She's selling it on eBay. I'm going to go home and have sex with my wife. And she just left. And then shake, frown, and roll. And that was it. And that's the history. And then you got to go home. When did you get to start eating food though? Well, so then when the tube came out, the happiness was short lived. I mean, the happiness, it was literally, I became, it was like, well, I'm Bella Hadid. Right. But then they, they, they slapped me in the face and sent me to the hospital. Then there was a count. It went down to, all right. It was like, I got the, I was Beatrix kiddo in the car. It's like, let's get those other piggies wiggling. Right. I got the big toe. Did they give you chicken nuggets or something fun? I'll save it for next time. It's like bone broth, wasn't it? Cause it's diabolical. But let's just say, mama, you can't get out. You are not leaving this pussy wagon until you shit the bed. When I, when I realized, when I got up to go to the bathroom and that incredible down comforter that our manager had. Had, had got me to like pad that nasty hospital seat. And I saw that brown mess. You would think I'd be horrified. You would think I'd be ashamed. I said, Daylight come and me gone go home. Me say shit, me say shit, me say shit the bed. I shit the bed and then I went home. I think, I think next week we can kind of put a button on this story and then we can talk about all the other things. We missed because there's a lot of life that didn't, you know, after the hospital, there's life after the hospital. So I think I'm good. Follow me on Twitter. Bye. Thank you.