You're Not the Boss of Me: Understanding Cat Autonomy

You're listening to Cat Talk Radio, where Mia was make sense, and Kitty Chaos gets a makeover. Hosted by the fabulous Molly DeVos, a certified feline training and behavior specialist, this show is your go-to for decoding cat behavior, solving pesky problems, and learning how to keep your whisker room made happy and entertained. Get ready to pounce into some per-worthy wisdom! Here's Molly! Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Cat Talk Radio. I'm your host, Molly DeVos, I'm a certified feline training and behavior specialist. If you've ever found yourself saying, "Why won't my cat just do what I want?" Here in the right place today. Today's episode is called, "You're not the boss of me, understanding cat autonomy." We're diving into why cats resist control and how you can work with their nature instead of against it. So if your cat hides, runs off, maybe refuses to cuddle, or just gives you that look, you know the look I'm talking about. Stick around for today's show, because what might feel like stubbornness is actually something much deeper, and it's probably not personal. Unfortunately, I'm not joined by my handsome husband and co-host, Dewy Vaughn today, you're stuck with just me. And with me, you always get a little reality check. So let's start there. First of all, cats are not domesticated in the same way that dogs are. And you hear me say this all the time. Dogs were bred to serve and follow commands. Now that statement right there is going to get me about 50 emails from my dog trainers who swear that dogs are not pack animals and blah, blah, blah, but take it in context. In comparison to cats, please. Cats, they're pretty much invited themselves to dinner about 9,000 years ago, and they never signed a contract. They have evolved alongside us, not beneath us. And autonomy, let's define autonomy for a minute. That means the ability to make choices freely. And it's a huge part of how cats interact with the world and people in particular. And you've probably heard me say this before, cats thrive when they feel like they're in control. That includes their environment, their interactions, and even their food, playtime, and attention. When we try to dominate, restrain, or micromanage them, we're disrupting that sense of control. And that's when things often derail. You might notice avoidance, aggression to you or other pets in the home, and certainly to strangers, hiding, over grooming, or even litter box issues. So let's unpack this. Why do cats resist control? It's not because your cats stubborn, spiteful, or moody, cats just don't feel those emotions. It's because forcing behavior triggers stress. Cats are biologically wired to avoid danger and conflict. Because they're both predator and prey. Think about that for a minute. You know, we think about them being natural-boying hunters and killers. And that part is true. But they're also prey, which means there's an awful lot of other species out there trying to eat them at the same time they're trying to get lunch. So when they feel that their ability to choose has been taken away, they can often flip into the response of fight, flight, or freeze. And certainly that's true in a shelter setting. And in your home, it can look like withdrawal or just giving up on you. So let's look at some common control attempts that often backfire on you. One might be picking them up when they don't want to be handled. And most cats, by the way, don't like to be picked up. I know a lot of shelters will make that a criteria of whether it's an adoptable pet or not. And I always encourage them, you know, you don't have to pick up your cat, forcing them to meet a new person or an animal, taking food or toys away suddenly, creating or confining them without gradual training. And oh my gosh, talk about shelter setting, you know, without their consent, they're not only abandoned and left in a shelter, but they're put into a small box that doesn't have a lot of space where they can't explore and do their natural cat behaviors. Also even, you know, bombarding them with training or petting sessions without their consent. You know, my feeling right at home students hear this from me all the time that every one of the tools that we learn in that program are with the cat's consent. We're not forcing that cat to do anything. We certainly can't force a cat to be more trusting or feel more comfortable in a stressful setting. And if you're not familiar with feline right at home and you volunteer for a shelter, work for a shelter or know a shelter that could use some free cat behavior training, please go look at feline right at home.com. But even something as simple as petting a sleeping cat can send a message they don't forget. And that is what you want doesn't matter. I'm in charge. And let's remember that cats have particularly wrong, long, long memories. That's why they often say that they're smarter than dogs because they actually retain information for a lot longer. And so when we try to tele-cat, I'm in charge here through our action. That right there is how trust starts to a road. Now let's relate that to our own lives for a minute. Maybe that'll help you understand a little better. What if someone repeatedly ignored your preferences, interrupted your rest, or forced you into situations you didn't choose? Would you feel safe with that person? Probably not. And you certainly wouldn't want to hang out with them on a regular basis. Well cats are no different. They remember how we make them feel. They remember for a very long time how we've made them feel. And when they associate us with force or discomfort, they begin to withdraw. And that might look like no longer wanting to sit in your lap, or avoiding certain rooms in the house, or maybe hiding more. For our pico, that looks like him spending more time up on his bed that's about 15 feet off the floor. We have steps and he goes up there and sleeps and withdraws from everything else going on in the house in the room. And I notice that sometimes that's when there are situations where he's not in control, like we're having a party and there's 15 strange people in the house. They'll go up there and it is important to give yourself your cat areas to escape from interaction with people. But if you notice that they're spending more time there or hiding under the bed more, that could actually be a sign of withdraw. And we tend to chalk that up as them just being moody or aloof. But often they're just trying to protect their autonomy. So what can you do instead? Let's talk for a minute about how to respect your cat's autonomy while still guiding behavior in a healthy, constructive way. And I've put together five strategies I want to share with you. I use these and I recommend these. And the first one is choice-based training, right up the back, clicker training is perfect for this because it reinforces what the cat chooses to do, not what you make it do. And the result to that is a cat that learns voluntarily, enjoys training and feels empowered. But all training, even counter-conditioning or gradual desensitization, should set the cat up to feel like it's in control. And what might that look like? Again, in the feline right at home program, we recommend that you remove boxes or dens or things where the cat, you know, we do want to give the cat a place to hide. Let me preface that. But we recommend putting a curtain on the whole kennel door and making at least half of the kennel a place to hide, not giving them a box because what happens is they hide in that cardboard box or enclosed box and we're offering treats and trying to interact with them through that single front door and the cat has nowhere to escape. So it's basically trapped and we're forcing it to work with us. We don't recommend training under those conditions. We recommend giving the cat options to leave if it gets too uncomfortable for them. We always want to give cats control and choice in the training methods we use. And training cats is a great mental stimulation and enrichment. So you should train your cat. Just remember, do so where they can be in control. The second strategy is ask permission, let the cat initiate contact with you, meaning don't just grab it and pick it up, hold out your hand and let the cat choose to be interacting with your hand. When you stop picking up your cat unnecessarily, something amazing often happens. They become more affectionate rather than less. And why? That's because affection becomes a choice, not a demand. Excuse me. The third strategy is set up the environment, not the cat. Instead of correcting behavior, guide it using environmental design. I always say you can't tell a cat no, you need to show it what you want it to do instead. So for instance, if the cat is scratching the back of your couch, it's probably because you haven't placed the scratching posts in high stress areas or areas where the cat feels like it needs to do some territorial marking by this back door, the glass door where the cat may be seeing other cats outside, by the barrier door to your fosters or new adoptive pets. You can block off counters gently if needed. Use calming scents like feel-away in safe zones of the house and certainly avoid harsh scents like bleach, vinegar and citrus in their sanctuary spaces. You can still use mild citrus or menthol to discourage access to certain spots. Just don't make the whole house smell like an orange grove, right? You can watch on our YouTube channel, please do go check out our YouTube channel and subscribe to our YouTube channel while you're there. I do webinars regularly and one I'm in particular I think is important for you to watch is cat enrichment. That will help you to set the environment up for success. The fourth thing is respect your cat's body language. Your cat is speaking volumes without saying a word. Is there a twitching tail? Are they recoiling when you reach out to pet them or are they hiding from you? Are the ears kind of out to the side or maybe even flat? Does their head turn away from you? You know, all those things are a clear no thanks, honor that, pull back and pause. When a cat knows you listen, they trust you more and trust leads to more cooperation and more affection from your cat. And the fifth thing is create predictability because cats do love boundaries. As long as they're clear and consistent, we need to feed, play, clean, train on a routine. Predictable routines give cats a sense of control, even within structure. Now I know a lot of this might sound like we're tiptoeing around our cats, but it's not about submission, it's about collaboration. Cats don't need to be dominated, they need to be respected. And when they feel safe, they're more open to interaction, bonding and learning. So you want to try something new this week, I'm going to challenge you. I want you to try these things. Don't pick up your cat this week unless it's absolutely necessary. Let them come to you. Use treats to lure them if they need to be moved to a different place. Don't force them to move by picking them up and watch what changes. You might be surprised to find out that your cats start seeking you out more, following you and even curling up in your lap without being asked. It's amazing what happens when you shift from control to connection. That's probably true with people as well, not a bad takeaway for this week. Thanks for joining me today on Cat Talk Radio. And remember, your cat isn't trying to be difficult, they're trying to be safe and respected. You don't have to be the boss or the leader. But today's topic resonated with you, or you've had a breakthrough moment respecting your cat's autonomy, I'd love to hear about it. Shoot me an email, it's [email protected] or tag me on social media. I always love hearing your cat stories and your cat questions because that helps us to write more episodes that are interesting for you. So until next time, keep creating space for your cat to be who they are, and keep calm and per on.