You're Not Doing the Work — You're Just Watching Other People Do It

Hey everybody, welcome to the Addiction Unlimited podcast where you get to learn everything you want to know about addiction and recovery. I'm your host, Angela Pugh, co-founder of Kansas City Recovery, Life Coach and Recovery and Alcoholic. To learn more about me, you can listen to episode zero on your podcast app or find us on the web at AddictionUnlimited.com. Hello, my friends. Welcome back to Addiction Unlimited. I'm your coach, Angela Pugh. Today, I want to talk about something I see all the time in recovery, something I think might be keeping some of you stuck right now. It's this idea that presence is equal to participation. That showing up is the same thing as doing the work. And I want to be really clear from the start. It's not. Now, when I got sober, the landscape looked completely different. There were no podcasts. There wasn't an endless library of quit-lit books. We had AA, of course. And what we did is we went to the bookstore and we got all the self-help books, right? How to change your life and become a better person. Because we couldn't spend years consuming sobriety content because there just wasn't any. But today, you can fill every spare moment with sobriety podcasts, books, challenges, YouTube videos, online meetings. You can be surrounded by recovery content 24/7. And that's amazing in a lot of ways. More resources, more access, more ways to connect. But it's also created something I see over and over. And that's people who are consuming endless amounts of information about sobriety without ever actually participating in their own recovery. Let me paint you a picture. Maybe you're listening to this podcast right now. Maybe you've got a stack of sobriety books on your nightstand. Maybe you're signed up for three different free challenges right now because it's dry January. Maybe you show up to meetings once or twice a week. And if I asked you, are you doing the work? You'd probably say yes. Because look at all the things you're doing. Look at how much time you're spending on sobriety. But here's the question I want you to sit with today. Are you actually participating in your recovery or are you just present for other people's? Because there's a massive difference and understanding that difference might be the thing that finally moves you forward. Let's start with why passive sobriety is so appealing because it is appealing. It feels like progress without risk. It feels like you're doing something without actually having to change anything. When you read a book about someone else's sobriety journey, you get to experience the relief, the hope and the transformation all vicariously, right? You get to think, oh, that's what's possible. That's what it could be like. And that feels good. It feels like maybe you're closer to that yourself just by reading about it. When you listen to a podcast where someone shares their story about how they finally got sober after trying and failing a hundred times, you feel seen. You feel less alone. You think that's me. I'm not the only one. And that comfort is real and it's valuable. When you sign up for free challenges, whether it's about morning routines or boundaries or whatever it is, you get that hit of motivation, that feeling of this is it. This is when things are finally going to change. I'm taking action. Or when you show up to a meeting, you sit in the back row. You're technically there, you're in the room, you're not drinking. You're doing what you're supposed to do. And all of those things feel like participation. They feel like you're engaged in your recovery. They feel like progress. But listen, feeling like you're doing the work is not the same as actually doing the work. Passive sobriety creates an illusion of action. And the brain loves this illusion because it gets all the good feelings of progress without any of the discomfort of actual change. Think about it. When you read a book about sobriety, your brain releases dopamine. You feel motivated. You feel inspired. You underline passages. You think, yes, this is exactly what I needed to hear. And then you close the book and what? What happens next? For most people, nothing happens next. Because reading about what someone else did to get sober is not the same as doing those things yourself. Let's say you read a chapter about how someone started journaling every morning and it completely transformed their relationship with their emotions. That's beautiful. That's inspiring. But if you close that book and don't pick up a pen, then nothing in your life has changed. You just consumed information about change. Who didn't actually change? Or podcasts. I love podcasts. Obviously I have one. But I also know that listening to someone else's story about how they quit drinking is not the same as quitting drinking yourself. Listening to me or anyone else talk about the actions we took is not the same as taking those actions in your own life. You can listen to 100 episodes about people who got sober by going to therapy, joining support groups, setting boundaries with drinking friends, building new routines. You can feel moved by every single story. You can think that's so inspiring. I'm going to do that too. But if you never actually call it therapist, if you never actually show up to a support group beyond just sitting quietly in the back, if you never actually have those hard conversations with your friends, if you never actually build those new routines, then you're just consuming content about sobriety. You're not participating in your own. And these free challenges, oh, these challenges. I see people sign up for a new one month after month, a dry January, alcohol, free April the 21 day reset one year, no beer, and all the others we all host. And here's what happens. You sign up, you get the emails or the PDFs or whatever it is, you feel that rush of motivation on day one. Maybe you do day one's activity. Maybe you do day two. And then life gets busy or you forget or it gets uncomfortable and you just stop. But you stay subscribed to the email list. You keep seeing the daily prompts come in. You tell yourself you'll catch up and in your mind, you're still doing the challenge because you signed up for it, because you're present for it, even if you're not participating. And the next week there's a new challenge, a different topic, a fresh start, the same hit of hope and motivation. So you sign up for that one too and the cycle continues. Signing up for things feels like action, but it's not action. Actually doing the thing is action. And there's a world of difference between the two. Now let's talk about meetings because this is where the presence versus participation distinction becomes really clear. I know a lot of people who will try meetings, any group, not just AA, but any of the others too. It's not about which group, it's about the individual person's behavior, right? They'll show up maybe a few minutes late so they don't have to talk to anyone. They sit in the back somewhere or right next to the door so they can run out at the first sign of discomfort. They listen kind of, mostly they're sitting there judging everyone in the room and being kind of a jerk. They're physically present and still isolating, hiding, overthinking. And after a few meetings, they're still struggling with the exact same things they were struggling with when they first walked through the door. Why? Because presence is not equal to participation. Showing up to a meeting a few minutes late so you don't have to do the awkward small talk before it starts, that's presence, not participation. Leaving a few minutes early so you can avoid talking to people after, that's presence, not participation. Sitting in the back row with your arms crossed, never making eye contact, never speaking or sharing, never introducing yourself to anyone. That's presence, not participation. Coming week after week and never exchanging phone numbers with anyone, never taking guidance, never offering support to someone else who's struggling, that's not participation. And I get it, I do. I have debilitating anxiety just like all of you. I don't want to talk. I don't want to show up. I don't want to tell anyone what I'm thinking or feeling or how fucked up I feel or all the fucked up things I did. I get it, participation is scary. Participation requires vulnerability. Participation means actually engaging with the discomfort instead of just sitting in the same room with it. But here's what I've learned. You cannot think your way into better actions. You can act your way into better thinking. And passive presence is just another form of thinking about change without actually changing. So what does participation look like? What's the difference? Participation is reading the book, then actually trying the things the book suggests. Not just underlining it and thinking, "Oh, that's a good idea." But actually doing it, even if it's uncomfortable, even if you're not sure it'll work. Actually trying it in your real life and seeing what happens. Participation is listening to a podcast episode where someone talks about how journaling changed everything for them and then sitting down with a notebook and a pen and writing. Even if what comes out is messy and unclear and doesn't feel profound. It's taking the action, not just consuming the story about the action. Participation is signing up for a challenge and actually doing it. Every day, even when you don't feel like it, even when it's uncomfortable, it's following through. Not because someone's watching or because you'll get some kind of prize at the end, but because you signed up and you're going to participate in your own life. Participation is showing up to a meeting on time, staying the whole time, making eye contact with people saying hello, introducing yourself, raising your hand, even though you're shaking, sharing, even though you're scared of what people will think. Creating numbers with people, actually texting the person when you've exchanged numbers with them, offering to meet someone for coffee, being the person who shows up for others because you know what it's like to need someone to show up for you. Participation is uncomfortable. That's how you know you're doing it right. That's how you know you're actually doing something different instead of just thinking about doing something different. So why do we default to presence instead of participation? Why do we choose the passive version of recovery instead of the active one? Because participation requires change, real change, and change is uncomfortable even when we know it's necessary. When you're just present, you can stay in your comfort zone. You can consume all the information. You can be around all the right things. You can check all the boxes of things sober people do, but you don't actually have to be different. You don't have to risk being vulnerable. You don't have to risk failure. You don't have to risk looking stupid or saying the wrong thing or not knowing what to do. Presence lets you stay safe. And here's the thing about avoidance and passivity. It feels like self protection, but it's actually self sabotage. Because you cannot recover from something you're unwilling to actively engage with, you can't change a pattern you're only willing to observe from a safe distance. Self-sabriety is also appealing because it lets us keep waiting. Waiting to feel ready. Waiting to feel motivated. Waiting for the right time. Waiting for the perfect moment or the perfect circumstance or the perfect level of knowledge before we actually do anything. We tell ourselves, "I just need to read one more book. I just need to listen to a few more episodes. I just need to understand it better before I actually try." You know what? You'll never feel completely ready. You'll never have all the answers. You'll never understand it perfectly before you start. That's just not how change works. Change requires that you act before you feel ready. Change requires you to try before you understand completely. Change requires participation, even when especially when you're not sure what you're doing. I see this pattern all the time. Someone will spend months, sometimes years researching sobriety, reading every book, listening to every podcast, following every sober influencer, joining every free group, going to meetings occasionally. They become experts in what other people did to get sober. They can tell you about every approach, every program, every method, but they're still drinking. Because they're doing research, they're gathering information, they're preparing, but they're not participating. And at some point, you have to ask yourself, "Am I actually trying to get sober? Or am I trying to feel like I'm trying to get sober?" Because those are two very different things. And listen, everybody wants support. You can't receive support if you're unwilling to participate in community. I know it's scary to be vulnerable with people. I know it feels safer to just observe from the sidelines, but recovery is not a spectator sport. You can't heal in isolation. You can't do this alone no matter how many books you read or podcasts you listen to or challenges you sign up for. When you sleep in late and leave early, when you never share, when you never ask for help, when you never exchange numbers with anyone, you're not protecting yourself. You're isolating yourself. And isolation is the opposite of what you need. Here's something else I see all the time, especially in our online communities, for sure. People who are completely silent and absent until they want something. Right? I see this in my private Facebook group constantly. Someone will never post anything, never comment on anyone else's post, never offer support or encouragement to another person who's struggling. They're just there lurking in the background. But then they hit a sobriety milestone, 30 days, 90 days a year, multiple years, whatever it might be. And suddenly they show up with a huge post about themselves, expecting everyone to celebrate them. And people do celebrate them because that's what community does. But let's be honest about what that is. That's not participation. That's selfishness. You can't show up only when you want something from the community. Right? You can't be absent when other people need support and then expect people to show up for you when you need a celebration. That's using community, not participating in it. Real participation means showing up for other people, not just for yourself. It means commenting on someone's post when they're struggling and being brave and being vulnerable. It means saying me too, or I understand, or here's what helped me. Participation means welcoming new people, offering your support, even when you're having a hard day yourself. It means being a part of something bigger than just your own journey. In my private community, sober society, you can always tell who is going to be really successful in their recovery because they're the ones showing up to every meeting. They're the ones welcoming people when they're new. They're the ones offering their support and guidance. They're the ones sharing themselves, being vulnerable, asking for help when they need it and offering help when they can give it. They're the ones posting in the group regularly, not when it's just their turn to be celebrated. And you know what's interesting. It's always the same people. The same people showing up, participating, engaging, not because they're special or different or have it all figured out, but because they understand that participation is what creates change. They understand that community is not a vending machine where you put in presence and get out support. Community is something you participate in, something you contribute to, something you build together. In AA, we say, meeting makers make it. Not because meetings are magical, not because there's something supernatural about sitting in a room with other sober people. Meeting makers make it because they're the people who are serious about their recovery. They're the people taking action. They're the people participating, not just being present. They're the people showing up consistently, building relationships, doing the uncomfortable work of connection and vulnerability. The people who make it, the people who really get sober and stay sober and build lives they love, they're the ones who participate. They're the ones who show up early and stay late. They share even when they're terrified. They're the ones asking for help. They're the ones who build real relationships with other people in recovery. They're the ones who take action even when they don't feel ready. So. How do you shift from passive presence to active participation? How do you actually start doing the work instead of just consuming content about the work? Well, first, you have to get honest with yourself, really honest. Look at what you're actually doing, not what you tell yourself you're doing. Are you reading the books or are you reading the books then trying what's in them? Are you listening to podcasts? Or are you listening to podcasts and then taking the actions people talk about? Are you showing up to meetings or are you showing up and participating with people? Are you signing up for challenges or are you signing up and actually doing the tasks that are put in front of you? Get really clear on the difference between presence and participation in your own life. Next second, start small but start real. Don't try to overhaul everything at once. Pick one thing. One thing you're going to actually participate in, not just be present for. Maybe it's this. For the next week, every time you read something in a book that resonates with you, you're going to try it that same day, not eventually, but that day. Or maybe it's the next time you go to a meeting, you're going to introduce yourself to one person. You're just going to stay after and you're going to talk to one person. Or maybe you're going to sign up for one challenge and you're actually going to do the actions that are provided every single day no matter what. Pick one thing and participate in it fully, not perfectly, but fully. There's a difference. Third, get comfortable with discomfort because participation is uncomfortable. It just is. And if you're waiting for it to feel easy or natural or comfortable before you do it, you're going to be waiting forever. The discomfort is part of the process. The awkwardness is part of the process. The vulnerability is part of the process. You don't avoid these things by staying passive. You move through them by participating. Here's what I want you to see too. Love sobriety might feel safer, but it has a cost. And that cost is your life and your time. Every day you spend just being present instead of actually participating is a day you stay stuck in the same patterns, the same struggles, the same version of yourself that you so desperately want to change. And I'm not saying that to make you feel bad. I'm saying it because I care about you and I want more for you than a life spent in the waiting room of your own recovery. You deserve more than just showing up. You deserve the life that comes from fully participating, from actually doing the work, from being brave enough to try and fail and try again, from building real connections with real people and taking action even when you're scared. But you have to choose that. You have to choose participation over presence. You have to choose action over information. So here's what I want you to do after you finish listening to this episode, not tomorrow, not next week, right now, today. I want you to pick one thing you've been passively present for and I want you to actively participate in it. Maybe you've been reading that book about sobriety and there's something in there you keep underlying but never trying. Try it today. Actually do the thing. You've been going to meetings but never sharing, never talking to anyone. So share at the next meeting. It doesn't have to be long or profound. Just share. Maybe you've been signed up for a challenge and you started but never finished. Go back and do it today. Maybe you're doing online meetings and you're keeping your camera off and staying muted. Show the fuck up. You're showing up for yourself. It's not about anybody else in the room. Show the fuck up for yourself. So pick one thing and participate in it, not perfectly, not with complete confidence, not when you feel ready, just participate because that's how change happens. Not through presence, not through proximity to the right information or right people or right programs change, happens through participation. And you're capable of it right now today exactly as you are. You just have to choose to do it. And listen, I get that this might feel like a little tough love kind of episode. But here's what's in it for you. Understanding the difference between presence and participation is the difference between staying stuck and actually moving forward. It's the difference between wondering why nothing's changing despite all your effort and actually experiencing real transformation. When you shift from passive to active participation, everything changes. You stop feeling like a victim of your circumstances and start feeling like an active participant in your own life. You stop waiting for motivation and you start creating momentum. You get to feel connected. You stop spinning your wheels and you start actually getting somewhere. This is how you get unstuck. This is how you build the sober life you actually want instead of just reading about the sober lives other people have built. This is how you become the person who shares their story years from now about how they finally made it instead of the person who's still listening to those stories and wishing it could be them. If you're sitting here thinking, "Okay, I get it. I need to participate more, but I don't know where to start." Or, "I want to be around people who are actually doing the work not just talking about it." Then I invite you to join us in the sober society community. It's my private member community. It's exactly what we've been talking about today, a place where people actually participate. It's super inexpensive, $27 a month. You get access to a community of people who show up, who support each other, who do the work. We've got meetings throughout the week. We're actually adding three more meetings a week, including a meditation meeting starting in February. This isn't a place to lurk. This is a place to participate, to show up, to share, to connect, to support others and let others support you. If you're ready to stop consuming content about recovery and start actively participating in your own recovery, this is your invitation. You can check it out at addictionalimited.com/society. I will link that in the show notes also. Listen, if you're done screwing around with all of this and you want real transformation and you want guidance, you're tired of spending your wheels. You know you're always welcome to book a call with me to talk about working with me directly. Addictionalimited.com/call. I will have all of those links in the show notes as usual. I hope you got a lot out of this episode because I feel like I've just been watching this place where people get stuck, right? Where they really feel like you're doing all the work you feel like you're doing all the things. People ask, when does this start to feel easier? Do I ever stop thinking about alcohol? And the truth is, the more you participate actively, the more relief you get in the easier it gets. But I see that there is this confusion about being present and actually participating in what that difference is. So that's why I wanted to do this episode. I didn't mean it to be too tough love, but you know, listen, I'm not going to bullshit you. I'm just going to give it to you straight. This is what I see. This is what's happening and here's how to fix it. I want you to fix it. I want you to be happy and sober and live happily ever after. Okay. I hope you're having a fantastic day and I will see you next week. We've reached the end of another great episode of the Addiction Unlimited Podcast, candid and honest conversation about addiction and recovery. Be sure to visit us at AddictionUnlimited.com to join the conversation and access show notes and links to everything we talked about. Love this episode. Please take 30 seconds to subscribe, rate, and review on iTunes to help us improve and give you the information you want. Thanks for listening. See you next week. Bye.