You're Addicted To Your Own Suffering

Welcome back to another episode of the Self Work Podcast. This is episode two. And in today's episode, I want to confront you with something that I quite literally believe will change your life if you choose to let it sink in that is. I want you to actually sit here and take this in because I want to introduce an uncomfortable truth. A lot of people, including myself, think they know exactly who they are. But there's a very high chance, and this is something I had to accept about myself, as I said, that the personality you are defending so hard right now was built as a coping mechanism. Probably not something you wanted to hear. And that is not an accurate representation of who you actually are. Perhaps someone listening to this right now says, "Yeah, I'm hyper independent. I don't need anyone." "Yeah, I'm disciplined. I don't tolerate any nonsense." You may think to yourself, "You're guarded or you are very precautionary because you've been through things." Maybe, I'm not going to deny that. Or maybe you built a personality around something that hurt you and you've been calling it strength ever since. And this is why this conversation is extremely important because there is a massive difference between what happened to you and who you decided you are because of it. And this is something I had to confront myself. Guys, I'm a man telling you this. A lot of men do not have this ability. They don't have the emotional intelligence to sit there and face their discomforts. And this is what actually leads you to true freedom in life. Because a lot of people just react to what happens to them in life and they choose to defend it as if their life depends on it. So I want you to just start challenging your thinking because most people don't actually suffer from their past. They suffer from the identity they built around it. So let's actually break this down properly. The first thing I want to touch on is this concept that your personality is not random. I remember I wrote about this a few years back and it's interesting because I used to think people just have personalities because it was randomly ascribed to them. And this is a part that makes people comfortable because you don't just have a personality. You constructed one slowly over the years and most of it happened when you were too young to even realize what you were doing. Something happened. For example, you felt embarrassed in school. You felt rejected. You tried to talk to a girl you really liked. You felt overlooked. Maybe no one was listening to you. You were last pick in football. You felt unsafe. You felt like you weren't enough. You felt like you were ugly or undatable. You were unintelligent. And your brain done something very intelligent. I actually love studying the brain. Your brain makes a decision. It said, okay, if this is how the world works, then this is who I need to be in order to survive it. So maybe you became the strong one. Some of you guys may be able to relate to this. Maybe you became an overachiever. Maybe you became the quiet one so nobody would notice. Maybe you became the funny one so you could deflect pain. That one relates to me a lot, by the way, because I used to be a great comedian. And most of the time I used to use it because it was the only thing I had in my arsenal, in my inventory, to really deflect the reality of life. So I would tell a joke, make a joke out of myself, people would laugh and it would deflect the pain. Perhaps you're someone who became extremely hyper independent. Or you became the one who doesn't need anyone, right? And because it worked, because it protected you, you kept it, it reduces pain, think about it, it reduces rejection, and it makes you feel like you're in control. So you kept reinforcing it. And now you call it your personality, but here's the part nobody tells you, my beloved brother or sister. Coping mechanisms age, and this is something nobody teaches you. What protected you at 15, maybe imprisoning you at 35? What made you self-sufficient when you were younger? May now make you incapable of receiving help. Think of this. And I want you guys to actually reflect on this. What protected you at 15 becomes outdated? And that was a living proof in my life. I didn't wait till I was 35. I waited till I was about 23, back against the wall and I realized this whole gimmicky attitude that I have always being a comedian, always trying to make people laugh. Pretending I don't care about life, is really holding me back. I used to pretend I was self-sufficient, just because I was incapable. I felt like I was incapable of receiving help. And that done its number on me. There's been many situations in my life where I wish. And here's the thing, I'm not telling you to become a beggar, but I wish I could express to someone. I wish I could voice my opinion to someone. And here's the thing anyways, your brain doesn't update automatically. It keeps running old code unless you consciously question it. And that is where most people stay stuck. That's just the harsh reality. So the next part, and I want to go a level D part, is there's a difference between what is real and what is true. And most of you blurred that line years ago. You don't actually ever think about this. And once I teach you this, you're going to realize, okay, that makes a lot of sense. Reality is something that objectively happened. Truth, listen to this, is what it means about you. And those are not the same thing. Let me give you some examples. Your parents when you are younger may have compared you to your sibling. That's real. But the truth for you may have been, you concluded I'm not enough, but that's not the truth. Someone cheated on you, that is true. You concluded I'm hard to love. That's not true. You felt publicly, that's real, that's objective. You concluded I'm a failure, that's not true. But because you felt it deeply, because you gathered evidence over years, because your nervous system memorized the feeling, you started treating the conclusion like fact. And then your whole entire life starts orbiting around this whole thing of proving it right. And the worst part is, and this is where I always look through people. People always ask me, how do you deal with people better? How do you always acknowledge people for what they are? Is this part? Most people don't even just believe the story. They wake up every day looking for confirmation. You enter rooms expecting disrespect. You enter relationships expecting betrayal. You approach opportunities expecting failure. And the brain says, don't worry, I'll feel to reality to match your belief. Here's the thing, one of the harshest realities to acknowledge is your brain isn't your friend, your brain is wired to keep you in survival state. And sometimes survival state is an artificial prison that you created in your head. So now Confirmation O'Bias is working for your trauma. And as I said, the scariest part again is, you don't just believe the story, you unconsciously recreate it. You choose emotionally unavailable partners. You outwork until you burn out. You tolerate disrespect. You sabotage stability because chaos feels familiar. You think life keeps happening to you, but your identity keeps recreating itself. And the next part to even build on this now is the concept of, that is just who I am, when in reality it's not. For most people this is uncomfortable. Whenever someone says to me, that's just who I am. I immediately get suspicious because most of the time what they are describing is not personality. My friend, that is trauma adaptation. Someone says, I'm just cold. Let me ask you a question. Are you cold or did you learn that vulnerability was dangerous? Someone says, I'm hyper independent. Are you hyper independent or did you learn that relying on people leads to disappointment? Someone says, I'm pretty intense. I'm pretty hard to handle. Are you intense or did you grow up in chaos and now your nervous system only feels normal under pressure? You see the difference? We romanticize survival traits and we turn them into what I call identity badges. Which is why in certain communities, especially ethnic communities, we really glorify struggle. We glorify trauma. We glorify this concept of being self made through suffering. But what if being healed doesn't get that applause? What if being stable isn't dramatic? That's why people don't change because sometimes your problems are your brand. Do you know how powerful that is when you hear that? Sometimes your problems are your brand which is why certain people would always reference how hard they've had it. You don't know my upbringing, bro. You don't know how hard I've had it in life. You don't understand my pain and struggle. Struggle and pain. I saw a video. [LAUGHS] I saw a video of this Jamaican guy. He said, "If you haven't been through struggle, you're a bad team man." He said, "Life's all about struggle and pain." That why do we romanticize this? Why do we make this something that is worth glamorizing? Because if you look into it and you put your critical thinking hat on, you're basically saying, if you haven't been through something, you don't deserve to be on the stage. So people really hold their problems up on their forehead and it doesn't allow them. So here's the question. If you held your problems, who would you be? And now let's continue building on this, right? Let's talk about the addiction to being the strong one. And let me confront some of you people that are strong. I would classify myself as strong, but I do also know when to put the gloves down. Some of you are addicted to being the strong one. You complain that everything is on your shoulders. You complain that no one steps up. You complain that you have to fix everything. This is, this sounds like my mother, to some extent. You know, my mother's extremely strong. I love her very much, but this is something I've tried to explain to her in the past. Right? But let's take a step back for a second. I want to deconstruct this idea for you guys. You don't just carry because you have to. You carry because your identity depends on it. If you weren't the strong one, think about this. Who would you be? If you weren't holding it together, would you feel irrelevant? If you weren't solving everyone's problems, would you feel unnecessary? This is where it gets extremely uncomfortable. Sometimes we over function, not out of generosity, but because being needed makes us feel safe. And then we resent the very people who confirmed that role. I know some of you guys listening to this that probably brand yourselves as the strong ones are probably saying wow. Think about this, right? If people are relying on you, would you feel comfortable? Would you feel safe? And the reason why sometimes whenever I talk to people, even some of the clients that I have or anyone that DMs me, and they love complaining about the types of people they attract, I'm like, why do you resent the very people who confirmed the role that you took? If you're someone that thinks everyone's going to betray you and you always attract unavailable people, why do you resent the people that confirmed that role? If you're someone that complains about having to sow everything out for everyone, ask yourself, who are you without the performance? Who are you without being that strong person that everyone relies on? Because that is not strength, that is identity addiction. And here's the thing, this is why certain people, tricky, I had to kind of research and learn this for myself. Have you ever noticed how certain people or certain types of people irritate you instantly? I say for example, the overly emotional one, the chaotic one, the helpless one, or the one that always lays back the nonchalant one. And your reaction is, bro, get your shit together, like what are you doing with your life? But what if it triggers you? And here's the thing, emphasis on triggers. You can't advise that person, you can't help them out. But I'm saying it triggering you. What if it triggers you because you were never allowed to be that? Let's actually take this a step further. If you notice when some people watch videos of, let's say a woman saying, I have my marriage pretty easy, my husband helps me out. And I just pretty kick, I pretty much kick back and I just relax. And there's always someone that gets triggered by it. Goes back to this point again, what if it triggers you because you were never allowed to be that? You had to suppress your breakdown. You had to suppress your fear. You had to suppress your softness. So when someone expresses it freely, it almost feels offensive. Not because they were wrong, but because you didn't give yourself permission. So remember this, this is the key to living a free life and reducing the care you have about people in terms of their perceptions and opinions. Because it's never about them. It's about defending the identity you built. And I remember even talking to someone the other day about this and you know, he was talking to me about how certain people trigger him. And it goes back to the same point. For me, when someone says this triggers me, I'm like, ooh, what does this reflect within you? Because I don't care if someone's chilling. I don't care if someone's laid back. I don't care if someone's chaotic. I don't care if someone's overly emotional. Sometimes when you look at someone overly emotional, some people are envious that these people can express their emotions because you were never given the stage or the podium. I want to actually even touch on something else that just came to my mind, which is the concept of discipline. Because I was studying something and also I read this book a very long time ago called Outliers. And upon reading this book and doing some research, I noticed there's a distinction between discipline and self-oppression. And this allowed me to rewire how I see discipline. Discipline isn't burn the boats or kill yourself, like what David Gorgon says. Because there's a massive difference. Self-oppression versus discipline. Let's actually break this down, right? Self-oppression sounds like I have to. I have no choice. If I stop everything collapses, I'm nothing if I'm not producing. That is fair. You think you're being productive, but the reality is that it's fair. Whereas discipline, discipline sounds like I choose to. I value consistency and I can rest without collapsing. Fear can move you in the beginning. I'm not going to deny that by the way. Fear can absolutely be a motivator in the beginning. But remember this, fear is a limited energy source. If your success is fueled by fear, it will eventually exhaust you. And I'll actually prove this to you guys. When you look at the concept of people being high performers, right? Let's look at the athletes or people like Embape or any types of these people. Here's where discipline versus self-oppression kind of comes into this because you can become super successful in one specific area. Say an athlete or you can become a really good content creator, but you can absolutely mess it up in other areas of your life. And this is where self-oppression comes in because if you push yourself and you say, Oh, I have to do this otherwise. I'm useless. I'm pathetic. Where do most people crumble in the pursuit to the top or when they reach the top? Let's think about this for a second. And I'm going to come full circle with this. Why is it when someone works very hard and they reach the top? They absolutely fall off. Just use McGregor as an example. I was watching a clip on TikTok the other day and someone was comparing McGregor 10 years ago versus now massive difference. McGregor 10 years ago was a stoic guy. He sounded almost like a philosopher, very articulate, very sharp, very disciplined. Well he would say it was disciplined, but I would call it self-oppression. He really wanted to make it. It was by any means necessary. Hit himself. Beat himself up. I'm useless if I don't do this. And then when he reached the top and he got what he needed, what happened to him? Was that really disciplined if you think about it? Because if being harder on yourself and there's something I want you guys to think about, if being harder on yourself made you become successful or was the key to becoming successful, all of you guys would have been successful because everyone's hard on themselves. Everyone is their own self-critic. And no one talks about the people that don't make it. Yes, you can get them a Gregor's, the embatt pays or the Mr. Beast. Yeah, you can get all of these people. But why about all the people that were self-oppressing themselves to success and didn't make it? Oh, at least when you make it, it papers over the cracks. But when you don't make it, you absolutely lose yourself. And that is why I want you guys to think about what you say to yourselves. Because as I said, if being harder on yourself made you successful, I promise you all of you guys would be in a mansion right now driving a Lamborghini and relaxing. But you're not. So I want to touch on another part before we get into the practical aspect of this, which is manifestation. And my version of manifestation is very different to the social media version, which is all vision, boards and affirmations. I believe you are already manifesting. Your current life is a manifestation. Your patterns are a manifestation. Your relationship choices. And this is, I was watching a YouTube video actually, which I really like. I was this woman talking about your relationship choices are your self-concept on display. You don't attract what you want. You attract what confirms your identity. So if you're always attracting toxic people, you can't blame those people. That is what you are attracting based on what confirms your identity. If you believe you're not enough, you choose situations that reinforce it. If you believe it is all up to you, you attract people who what? Listen to this. If you believe it is all up to you and the burdens all on your shoulders, you always attract leeches. Rats is what I call them. People who lean on you and you're going to blame the world and say, what are people always using me? I hate people. But that's what confirms your identity. You don't feel like you are adequate or you feel like you are inadequate without people relying on you. So remember, changing behaviors doesn't work long term. You have to question the identity. So at this point now, I have a question for you guys. So who are you then? If you're not your coping mechanism, if you're not your trauma response, who are you? Because identity feels safe even when it's painful. But instead of saying, and this is something I learned over the last few years, which is, instead of saying, this is who I am. This is who I am is more like an absolute way of thinking. You're like, this is who I am. I can't do anything about this. This is just what I subscribe to. Instead of saying, this is who I am. I hate this is who I learned to be. Because this creates space and space creates choices and choices create freedom. So I want you to ask yourself, who am I? And instead of saying, this is who I am. Always say, this is who I adapted to become. This is who I learned to be. Because psychologically, your brain is going to computer as, oh, this is just a learned behavior and what is learned can be unlearned. So now let's get into the practical part. I want you to sit down, get a pen and paper and I want you to write out the following. The first thing you're going to do is find out what your role is. I want you to ask yourself, what role do I automatically play? Am I the strong one? Am I the fixer? Am I the victim? Am I the avoider? Am I the achiever? Am I the emotionally unavailable one? Just name it. There's no need to defend it. Between you and yourself, I'm not going to know about this. Second thing you're going to do is find the origin. So you're going to ask yourself, when did I learn I had to be this? I don't need to overthink this. Just notice what memory pops up. That's usually when it started and where it started. The third thing you need to then do is separate your reality from the story. So you need to ask yourself what actually happened and what did I decide about myself because of it? Write it down. Again, be honest. You may think this is irrelevant. It is not. This is how you become aware of your patterns and break them. Number four, very important. I want you to replace that I have to with I choose to. So every time you say I have to, I want you to pause. Do you actually have to do this or are you choosing it because it feeds your identity? And the last question I want you to ask yourself which is pretty uncomfortable and I do this with all of my clients is, if I wasn't this person anymore, who would I be? That discomfort is the doorway to your freedom. So I want you to map this out. What role do you play and I want you to challenge all of the thought processes that you have. So to just summarize, you're not broken. You're patterned as I call it. And patterns can be unlearned. Something happened to you, but it is not to learn to separate the truth from reality. Remember, as I said in the beginning, what you learned and adapted at 15 years old may be imprisoning you at 25, 30, 35. And you don't want to live life in a cage that you built for yourself. And as usual, if this episode made sense, I want you to like, share with people you think would benefit from this. And if you want to send a message, ask a question or just say you appreciated it, feel free to DM me, otherwise I'll catch you in the next episode. I love you all, take care.