You'll Pay For This | Reading Reddit Stories

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Hello, welcome to Smosh Reads Reddit Stories. I'm Shane, and today's theme is payback. That's right, it's all about vengeance. And I'm joined by two guests who are carefully plotting vengeance upon one another. Ian and Anthony are joining us. Been plotting it for years. Yeah. Yeah, I got a bucket of rotten fish right above Anthony, and I'm gonna yank a. This whole buying back story, Smosh and running this company together, it's all just an elaborate plot to get payback on one another. Is it payback on me for having left for those six years? Are you waiting, what's gonna happen at the sixth year? It's something that happened in high school, probably. Oh, okay. It probably goes way back. Yeah, there's a bunch of shit there. Oh, I'm sure, yeah. Maybe like one day you didn't give me a ride home or something. I had somewhere else to be. Tough. You really gonna bring that up right now? One of his girlfriends that he had a make out with. God. Ah. These women, they just gotta be made out with sometimes. How do we feel about vengeance, revenge? I feel like it's probably not healthy, but I do love a good revenge tale. I love a good revenge tale as long as it doesn't involve me. Like, I don't wanna be the one on either end of it. I feel like at one point in my life, I thought that it'd be so satisfying to get revenge on people that wronged me, but I'm like, how much of my brain power and life am I spending thinking about this, that I'm getting to do revenge on myself at this point? It's not worth it. I think what is the phrase is like, living well is the best revenge. Yeah. Oh, yeah, absolutely. That's a good point, yeah. Like being actually happy and moving on. Yep. Yeah. I get that. I definitely, it's fun to play out the fantasy of revenge in your head in certain situations, but it's like in LA, the amount of times someone cuts you off on the road and you imagine like, oh, how could I get them back? That's a great example. But it's like the safest and best option is for me to forget about this. Yes, because. And live my life. Most people own guns here. I mean, truly. I didn't even go there, jeez. No, no, actually, that is my brain. Whenever people talk about like, oh, if I was on the street and someone bumped into me or said something rude, I would do this, I'd be like, I'm not trying to get killed. No. I'm trying to get out of there. Yeah. I'm trying to. I imagine the types of stories we're gonna read today are a little bit more about the calculated revenge. Right. Yeah. Not like intense violence, probably more along the lines of petty squabbles, whatever. I'm excited to hear the stories that I'm listening to. Oh, yeah. I'm not involved in. I am very entertained by reading 'em. Yeah. Have you ever taken revenge on anyone, Anthony? Taken revenge. Like maybe somebody messed up your Taco Bell order. Or something. No, are you alluding to something? No. It feels like you're alluding to something. No. Yeah, you're not talking about the time I spit in your food, right? That's not, you're not, that time you didn't know about? Information you just found out about. The time you just found out about. I don't know. I mean, I don't think so. Okay. At least nothing substantial enough to have stuck in my memory. I'm sure there are little things like, I don't know. Well, if it comes back to you at some point in this episode, feel free to bring it up. Halfway through the episode, I'm like, oh yeah. Oh my God. I slashed your tires. Yeah. Yeah, all my revenge is specifically against you. Yeah. Well, you brought up fast food and that gets us into our first story. Wow. Okay, good segue, Ian. This first story comes from Petty Revenge. It was posted a couple of years ago. They write, I got payback on an awful regular at my fast food job. Mm. Okay, okay. So I, a 19 year old girl, quit my crappy job recently at a fast food chain that has a certain arch and remembered this story, which I thought was funny. Wendy's. Yeah. Yeah. The one arch. Yeah. Well, the W is kind of like. The Taco Bell, you know, there's the arch. Oh, the arch of the bell. Of the bell. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. Some of the arches. They gotta be more specific. Yeah. Unfortunately, this is a very true story. I know it's a bit ridiculous. We had these regulars that would come through the drive through nearly every day, and I was always the one handing food out the window. They were an older couple, and I was happy to make accommodations to make handing them food and drinks easier. However, it became increasingly difficult to allow their awful attitude towards me. For context, my branch of the restaurant was one of five in my town, but the rest were 20ish minutes away. We were the worst rated as we were small, but extremely busy as a result, and run by literal teenagers half the time. Lunch and dinner rushes were a mess as managers were more concerned with stats than actually running the place well. This couple would come through at our busiest time and order the same thing, shouting at the order taker, payment window, and me for how slow we were. Our small kitchen was unable to accommodate how busy we got, so wait times were often 300 plus seconds. Supposed to be, 120 seconds. Okay, so that's five minutes. Doing that quick math, yeah, five minutes. - Five, five minutes, no, okay, so five minutes for-- - You're waiting five minutes at a drive-thru. That does seem atrocious. - That's not too crazy. - But I think the thing is when you sit in a drive-thru-- - It does feel like-- - Time goes by so much slower. - It is very true. It'd be interesting, I'm never gonna do this, but it'd be interesting to like time it, like press a timer. Like when I pull up to like-- - Yeah. - In and out, and the line's way down the road, it's like how long is this actually gonna be? - I've seen some drive-thrus that have a timer. - They have the timer, yeah. - Have you seen that, there's some? - No. - I seem to recall, was it Del Taco back in the day? - I don't remember, I mean we used to go to so many fast food places. - 'Cause I remember seeing a timer. - Yeah. - But I haven't seen it since like Sacramento. - I think they probably removed that shit, they're like this doesn't need to be public knowledge. - Yeah. - You don't need to know. - This is private. - Yeah. - But I think they move pretty fast. So, they're operating at 300 plus seconds. - Okay. - Every time they'd yell at me for how busy we were, how slow we were, how their food would be cold, how it wasn't fair to make an old couple wait, and every time-- - Fuck off. - Yeah. - Wait with the rest of us. - Weaponizing your age. - And every time the man would ask for extra cream on his latte. If he didn't get it, he would become irate. I would do it for him because I'd learned to take the bullet for taking too long rather than deal with this guy. So much so, he would call me his creamy girl. - Oh! - Blech! - No! - With a shit-eating grin on his face, and every time I'd laugh but explain that it wasn't appropriate. On this day, I was maybe 16, 17. - Oh, that's worse. - Yeah, we were flat out busy, 600 plus seconds. When the cream couple arrived-- - Oh, God. - I asked them to pull into a bay and we would bring the food out so we could serve the next customer, whose order was prepared. He went ballistic on me, refusing to move, shouting at me, slamming his hands on the dashboard, classic temper tantrum. This went on for so long, I started explaining to my manager the issue, who wouldn't take shit from the situation, and she phoned the police to remove the guy. This is usually enough of a threat to get the customer to go, but not this time. He said something along the lines of, "Every time I come here, we have to wait "and my cream melts. "And every time we come here, you're working. "You are an awful person. "I'm not the kind of person to take shit from people. "You get the energy you give, but up until now, "I had been forgiving." So I blurted out while he was yelling at me, "So? "Go somewhere else. "It's called problem-solving, dude." He was stunned before lashing out again. Explaining this place was his only option, and there was no way I could make him go anywhere else. So I said, "Wanna bet?" Latte and extra cream in hand, I poured the coffee all over the roof and window of his Fiat Panda. - Oh. - Edit to clarify. I was going to pour it out the window, but he was parked too close. As I was thinking about it, I realized that I could safely pour it onto his car window and roof and not burn him, LOL. I then asked him again to pull around and his order would be ready soon and slammed the window. I then promptly burst into tears out of exhaustion and hate and began making my way to my manager to tell her my crime. The police turned up basically straight after. We explained what was going on while cream man was trying to open the window. They asked him to go and explained he was now trespassing if he didn't go. Long story short, the next thing I saw was this 70 plus year old man swinging at this copper before quickly getting put into the cop car, leaving his very frail wife still sat in shock, latte-less. Did this man deserve to get arrested? Probably not. Was it appropriate for me to pour coffee on his car? Maybe, maybe not. You decide if I'm the asshole if you want. Either way, it felt good. Plus, I didn't lose my job, LMAO. Edit. - That's good. 'Cause I feel like some of these things that she did. - Yeah. - Directly on the windshield. - But I mean, that shows that this manager's okay. - Yeah. - Yeah. - This episode of Red Stories is sponsored by Back to School. It starts now. starting at $699 with exclusive student pricing starting at $599 and it's lightweight portable and packed with enough processing power to make multitasking a breeze so say goodbye to distractions and hello to more free time because you finished your work faster complete your setup with savings on select monitors and more must-have electronics and accessories limited time deals and free shipping on pcs and more await you at dell.com slash deals that's dell.com slash deals every journey needs a guide let the center for professional education cpe be yours certificate programs to drive career change every professional journey is unique but no one succeeds alone at cpe we believe every career path deserves expert guidance launch a new career or advance in your current role with in-depth knowledge and experience from one of our professional certificate programs check out our courses at professionaled.utexas.edu to learn more by doordash doordash makes showing up for the people you love easy got you delivered doordash order now i was catching up with a friend and i could just tell they were having a really tough day you know that phrase when it rains it pours well it was a tsunami of problems for my friend we've all been there where there isn't much you can do for your friend except just be there for them i was racking my brain over how i could show a little love and try to make them feel a smidge better then it dawned on me doordash i got them their favorite ice cream chocolate chip cookie dough even if chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream doesn't solve the world's problems i knew it would make them feel a little better it makes me feel good giving to my friends and doordash makes it easy to make someone's day a little better doordash offers more than just restaurants they have retail items health supplies late night snacks groceries and more it's your turn to make someone's day better maybe you want to send a thank you cupcake to your mom or restock your roommate's snacks that you stole in the middle of the night or you want to order from your favorite restaurant for date night whatever it is doordash makes showing up for the people you love easy got you delivered doordash order now back to the show edit some more of the crappy things this guy would do to explain my out of touch reactions yeah he would throw a temper tantrum if we were too busy to top up on his extra cream if there wasn't enough cream uh we would have to remake the drink the coffee machines could take two minutes to pour sometimes and would then complain about how long the order took often he would ask me to add like five packets of sugar to his pre-syrup latte which i would happily accommodate for if we weren't busy but i also would remind him there were like three pumps of syrup in there already he would then complain it was too sweet and accused me several times of adding more sugar than he asked for i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry this was not the first time he refused to park up either sometimes he would uh so it wasn't even that he didn't understand the concept like some didn't but i was always happy to reiterate what he had to do worst of all he would personally blame me if his service wasn't good enough even if i didn't have anything to do with the drive-thru my best friend was working on my day off and he apparently started screaming for the pink-haired girl to apologize for ruining my cream girl where's my cream girl he was actually screaming for the pink-haired girl to apologize for ruining my cream girl asking her to apologize for ruining his order when i was at home i know i overreacted i'll own up but this is borderline abuse lmao okay wow i don't think she's overreacting this guy sounds insane yeah i mean like i it's funny because i thought at first like this sounded very much like the united states but it sounds like it's the uk um yeah but i but i think like really like i feel like they're from the the customer is always right generation yeah where like they feel certainly in the states that's like how old people like yeah acts but that's that's like what was like hammered into them like customer's always right customer's always right and it turns out like that's not true yeah but they they have this like level of like i don't know like indignity about everything yeah about like no i know they're entitled to everything yeah yeah i'm so confused by this behavior i'm like someone's serving you like getting getting things for you making things for you like i can't imagine yeah they were from this generation that feels like i paid you ten dollars i get to treat you any way i want yeah bro yeah i i feel like when it comes to revenge like for fast food employees i'm kind of always going to be on the fast food employee side sure of course of course what a rigorous job yeah and people are horrible to them yeah uh yeah and i and i do think like it's really it's it's not obviously not cream girl's fault um but i think i think what the jerk could have done and this is what plenty of managers do do is they just ban those customers they say like you're you're being a nuisance you're constantly harassing my employees you're done and you can just ban people from i mean i'm assuming in the uk you can as well but you can just say like no you're not welcome here anymore is it hard to ban people though like to identify like because he's just going through the drive i mean this guy is such a regular yeah probably could clock it but this sounds like a power trip for this guy yeah like this isn't like a power trip like he doesn't actually care about the latte i think they go for the they're bored and they get the kick out of doing this there's like some other emotional shit that he's not dealing with and he's taking it out on someone else yeah yeah imagine going i can't imagine going to a fast food through a drive-thru and being like give me my cream like i need my like that's i'm just begging them to spit in my drink and they're going at the busy time it's not sweet enough it's too sweet like i'm like yeah i'm like dude if you're this specific about your coffee why are you going to mcdonald's like bro yeah what i know mcdonald's now is more like as expensive yeah as a any coffee shop but it's just like if you're going to be hyper specific if it matters that much to you like you can't yeah you can't expect that of fast food like they operate on speed and getting the stuff as fast as possible not precise orders you know yeah i mean people love people love their routines right and part of his routine is yelling at cream girl yeah it's like you love your routine but you got to understand these fast food employees like they see the line that they're in yeah but i think they cannot comprehend that these people are taking care of other people's orders as well the lack of empathy is just wild yeah well people really do dehumanize like the second people are in a uh a service worker outfit yeah like you know they're no longer human to them i never worked at any food industry yeah i never i never did but you did work at chucky cheese so uh and you were in the you were in the mouse costume so you were kind of like able to spy people probably forgot that there was a person in there you have so many they're confessing i mean i feel like i probably experienced like the flip side when i was chucky because i feel like the parents were never mean to chucky no it was he got respect it was the children that were fucking evil ass the children were evil um yeah always kicking my shins and pulling on chucky's tooth um you got revenge one time but i think i don't know if i could say that yeah the only thing that like some adults would get really angry over at chucky cheese was we had a one alcoholic drink per person rule because they didn't want drunk parents there obviously because they drove their children to chucky cheese it's kind of crazy they could serve alcohol there in the first place right it's insane to me yeah so they would have like that you could have like one beer or one glass of wine uh and some adults would get really angry about that um that is so embarrassing like how am i supposed to have fun with my kids unless i'm drunk really embarrassed like that's one of those moments you got to be like huh yeah something going on here like yeah like op it almost doesn't seem like op got revenge as much as there was just a reaction that's just like a human reaction to some crazy incident this guy's calling the 16 year old chucky cheese the 16 year old chucky cheese the 16 year old chucky cheese in front of his wife i think she's allowed to dump a latte on his fiat like i think that's fine i mean i love that she didn't get fired for that oh that's great yeah that's really great um the comments on this someone said uh the dude was sexually harassing you with the creamy girl bit on top of that behavior and his constant verbal harassment of a minor he should have been banned long ago but to answer your question no you're not an asshole for standing up for yourself and telling that creep off especially when he was already in the car and he was like oh my god he's already told to leave at the threat of the police being involved good on you someone said no the customer is not always right and yes he and his car deserve to be creamed well well played and touche someone said what is a flat what is a flat panda i feel old uh fiat they wrote flat uh op says it's a car model they're fairly old now and small his was early 2000s at best someone said yep it was definitely my age i don't have my glasses on and read flat not feet uh no honestly um a flat panda this makes me think any video i see of of fast food employees getting vengeance on customers is always great yeah yeah there's a clip of a guy like getting like getting really mad at uh the employees at a taco bell and he leaps over and squares up to this taco bell employee and he throws a punch the taco bell employee dodges it and perfectly knocks him out and i'm just like hell yeah dude i'm like this is my pay-per-view you know the waffle house uh like we need that guy dude the waffle house video forever ago where someone threw a chair and the employee she catches it yeah Yeah, the coolest thing ever. It's like, what are you doing? Like, no. Anyways, our next story comes from Am I the Asshole? Supposed to only like a month ago. Oh, we're heating up. Am I the Asshole for humiliating my ex's new girlfriend in front of our friend group? Okay, this is probably pushing it. My ex's new girlfriend. In front of? In front of our friend group. Oh, our friend group. So it sounds like her. Ooh, sounds messy. Her and the ex are still in the same group. Okay, yeah. Here we go. Posting from my inactive account because I have some friends lurking in my main one. I, a 22-year-old woman, broke up with my boyfriend, who's 24, around eight months ago. We decided to mutually call it quits and parted on pretty good terms, which is good because we just so happened to share a friend group. After a rough patch, I decided to start taking a bit more care of myself. Eating better, going to the gym, going to therapy. The shift was pretty evident, both in my attitude and the way I look. My friends said I looked much happier and healthier, and I began gaining confidence little by little. Now, I am a huge nerd. I play D&D weekly. I have thousands of hours in Stellaris. And, most relevant to the story, I like to cosplay as a hobby. Most of my old cosplay involved characters that didn't show their face or body too much. Hornet from Hollow Knight, Mono from Little Nightmares, et cetera. But since I'd been feeling more confident, I decided that, for the big con in my city, I'd like to try something different. A friend convinced me of going as Viper and Chamber from Valorant. So, for the past six months, we've been pouring most of our free time into the cosplays. Three weeks ago, I sent a picture of me wearing the cosplay to the group chat asking for feedback for the final details. My ex immediately DM'd me, asking me to please not wear that cosplay to the con, because it might make his new girlfriend uncomfortable. - Oh, fuck off! - What? Bruh, you're too hot. - Yeah. - Yeah. - You're way too hot. - Please not be hot. I asked what it was, I'm afraid of being horny in front of my new girlfriend. I asked what about it would make her uncomfortable, but he refused to elaborate. I knew he was dating someone new, but I didn't know she was coming with us to the con. I tried to explain to him this was the work of months, and I couldn't just throw it all away just because a girl I'd never met felt uncomfortable about it. In the end, I wore it to the con, and it was a huge success. I tried to keep my distance from the large, larger chunk of our group, because my ex and his new girl were with them, but we did spend a good part of the day with them. Throughout the whole thing, the new girl kept making snide comments at me, and laughing whenever I got asked to pose for pictures. Everyone looked uncomfortable, but nobody said anything. After leaving the con to have dinner, though, another friend asks the new girl if she would like to try cosplay as well. Her answer was, "Why would I need more attention from guys? "I already have a boyfriend. "I'm not a slut." - Oh my God. - Oh my God. - I snapped and told her to stop acting like a pick-me bitch just because I got attention all day. She started to cry immediately. My ex steps in, asking me to apologize. I tell him I'll only do it if she apologizes for the way she's been acting around me all day. More and more of our friends start to join the screaming match, and it gets so bad, we end up getting kicked out of the restaurant. - Oh my God. - It's been five days, and my ex is threatening to leave the friend group if I don't apologize. I honestly wouldn't care if he did, but some of our friends are asking me to do so to stop him from leaving. Should I cave? Am I the asshole? Oh my gosh. - Oh, girl. - All right, I kinda wanna see, so Viper and Chamber? - Do you know that character? - I don't. - I don't play Valorant. - They must be hotties. I can only assume similar to Overwatch type of vibes. - Two names. I wonder if there's one-- - They gotta be baddies. - Okay. - There are two? How do they dress up as two of them at once? Is it one character? - One day, they probably dress as Chamber. One day, they probably dress as-- - Okay. - Oh, okay. - Okay, okay. - But they're like a fully covered costume. It's not like-- - Yeah, but the, I'm guessing which one is Viper, has very form-fitting-- - Yeah, sure. Not that it matters, right? I think for cons, you're allowed to dress up as whatever you want. - Absolutely, you can be as slutty as you want. Who cares? - But I'm just picturing what's the situation here. The ex's new girlfriend is clearly super insecure. - Oh, yeah. - Super insecure. - That comment is calling OP a slut. - She's like, "Wow, would I want to be a slut?" And if you think this is about you, then you're a slut, I guess. - Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. I'm not talking about you. I'm just talking about-- - I'm only talking about sluts. And if you think it's about you, then I guess you are one too, but I just say it. - That's crazy it got into such a screaming match that they got kicked out of the restaurant. - I love that. I love that the whole friend group got into this. - What if the restaurant owner's like, "Hey, I'm kicking you out." Not because you're causing drama. I don't like Valorant. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Just get outta here. Get outta here. - Right, yeah. - He's like, "No, Viper Mane's gotta get out." - That is, I think that's so embarrassing on the boyfriend's part too. - Oh, yeah. - Like, you'd be like, "Hey, no, that's my ex. We're not--" - Yeah. - And for him to ask her, it's like, "Hey, you're not dating. You're completely separate people. You don't get to dictate what she wears to a Comic-Con convention." Like, that is what these are for. People go to cosplay. - Right. - I feel like this is very young brain behavior. - 22, he's 24. - Yeah, like very early 20s or something, because I feel like by the time you reach a certain age, you're like, "Oh, why am I putting all this energy towards something I don't like?" Like, if they truly didn't like her, why are they so obsessed with her, you know? - I also just wonder what this ex told his new girlfriend about his ex, about the OP. - There must be something that's like really setting her off, though. Like, I agree, like maybe he said, maybe she was like prying, do you still have feelings for her? And he's like, "I don't know, maybe." Or maybe it was some weird-- - Or like because she's apparently like-- - Changed her look? - Yeah, she's changed her look. - Right. - Maybe he said something about it. He's like, "Wow, she looks like really good now." - Yeah. - That maybe set this girlfriend off. - I mean, it's also, you have the element like of they are still friends. Right? He's still friends with his ex, which is totally fine, but some people clearly like in the case of this, this new girlfriend are uncomfortable by it. 'Cause they're just like, what if he wants to get back with her at some point? I don't know. - And that's the first day that they met too. - That is true, yeah. - Yeah, that's so awkward. - Is it the first day that they've met? - If I'm the new partner, I'm gonna wanna definitely like make some good impressions. Like I'm gonna wanna like show up as my best self in front of everyone. And they're just like starting fights and being really petty. - See, I think I knew at a young age, like, I know they're young, but I knew that I'm like being insecure about someone's ex is like such a red flag. - Yeah. - That I'm like, your best bet is to be chill and not make a big deal about it. Or if you're gonna say something, say it in private to it. - Yeah. - Be like, hey, like, I feel uncomfortable about this situation. I mean, even if it's irrational, like that's how you have to handle it. You don't go and make rude comments to them to their face. - I think that takes a level of emotional maturity and vulnerability to admit when you're not, when you're feeling threatened or jealous. Because I think when you do that, it's admitting that you are the one that has the work to do. - Yeah. - If you say, hey, I'm jealous of your ex in your life. It's like, oh, I have work to do on myself to not be jealous. It's not, it's not the ex's fault. It's my fault that I'm feeling jealous. At least that's what it sounds like in this situation. - This girlfriend too, her comment is really messed up because it's not just insulting the OP, it's insulting, potentially a lot of people in that situation by saying, why would I like, in regards to, would you ever do cosplay? - Right. - They go, oh, like they're basically saying anyone who does cosplay is a slut. - But you know, but you know that she's not saying, you know that she's- - I know that she's not, but it's still just like- - She's saying this directly about OP. - Yeah, 100%. And everybody in that situation probably recognized that, including the ex. - And she probably, and she probably, I don't know, maybe, maybe she also felt maybe a little jealousy that the OP was getting all this attention at the Comic-Con, like making these like snide little like quips and stuff whenever somebody asked to take a photo with her. I think that, I think that stuff is like, it's cool. Like you, you've spent all this time on, on a costume and people want to share in that enthusiasm and take pictures of you or take pictures with you. - It's, it's funny though, to be like, it's funny to be jealous of that when it's like, yeah, 'cause they're at a convention where dressing up as cosplay is the point of it, so yeah, they're getting attention 'cause they're, they're doing that. But I also believe, like, I see what you're saying 'cause people who get jealous and aren't clocking like the irrationality of it, she's jealous. It's like, yeah, yeah, 'cause they're doing the thing that people do here. - Back to School starts now. Get long lasting battery life on the Dell XPS laptop powered by Series 3 Intel Core so you can work from anywhere. Now starting at $699 with exclusive student pricing starting at $599. And it's lightweight, portable, and packed with enough process power to make multitasking a breeze. So say goodbye to distractions and hello to more free time because you finished your work faster. Limited time deals and free shipping on PCs and more await you at dell.com/deals. That's dell.com/deals. - Every journey needs a guide. Let the Center for Professional Education, CPE, be yours. Certificate programs to drive career change. Every professional. journey is unique, but no one succeeds alone. At CPE, we believe every career path deserves expert guidance. Launch a new career or advance in your current role with in-depth knowledge from one of our professional certificate programs. Check out our courses at professionaled.utexas.edu to learn more. This episode of Reddit Stories is sponsored by Smalls. We've talked about our favorite dinners all the time on this channel, but what about my cat's food? They deserve the best meals that are not only healthy, but tasty. 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That's 60% off your first order, plus free shipping and free treats for life when you head to smalls.com slash pitreddit. And now, back to the show. The verdict was not the asshole. Comments, I'll apologize after your girlfriend apologizes for implying that we, the people cosplaying, were sluts. Short, sweet, and to the point. Let's see his hypocrite ass respond to that. I'd also tell your friend group that is your stance. It's the most fair for everyone involved. Someone said not the asshole, so it was perfectly okay for her to bully you all day, but the second you clap back, which anyone would do after being called a slut, she suddenly laughs back. No, she shouldn't give if she can't take. She started it. It's not your fault that she's so ridiculously insecure that she has to tear you down to feel better about herself. It's not your fault. She's immature. Lastly, someone said not the asshole. Keep in mind, you are 22, and this is probably not your forever friend group. If they want you to go against your values to keep the peace, don't. You're not the one in the wrong. Yeah, I mean, early 20s, you could keep a lot of those friends, but it's, you should not devalue. You should not devalue yourself for your friend group or minimize yourself. I will say the ex, I don't like that he is trying to control the dynamic of the friend group. He's like, I'm threatening to leave if you don't abide by my girlfriend who I'm bringing into the fold. It's like, hey, this is the friend group. You guys have to operate as your own. Yeah, I feel like there is still room for like a level set of like, hey, you know, bring everyone together, bring all the parties together. And be like, hey, like, I reacted this way because what you said was really hurtful and the actions that you did throughout the day also hurt me. I'm sorry I, you know, reacted in this way, but there was hurt there from things that you did. And so I think there's a way out of this, and there's a way to, you know, preserve the friend group if the OP wanted that. Yeah. Would it require both parties to be on board with that sort of like level set? It would require a lot of work. I think OP should probably talk to the other people in the friend group first. Yeah. About the situation, because if they're all there and witness all this, it's tough, man. Man, when you're in a friend group and two people start dating and then they break up, it's like, all right, like that's on them to manage that. That's why Anthony and I have never dated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it would just be like really tough. I would risk that. Yeah, it would be really tough. Yeah, tough choice. If I'm like the friends in the friend group, I'm pissed at this guy because I'm like, hey, like you are doing the thing that breaks up friend groups. Like, I'm sorry, man. Like, this is the situation. You got to navigate this. He's trying to control OP and the friend group. And the friend group, yeah. By saying like, I'm going to leave if this, people don't accommodate me. It's just like, dude, fuck you. It's like, okay, then leave, I guess. It might be what has to happen. One of them has to go. Yeah. But he is bringing the insecurity about. Yeah, his insecurity is causing all the issues. Or I mean, I guess, and the person he's dating. But like, it's going through him. And then he's saying, everyone needs a change because of my insecurities. Yeah, or my girlfriend's. Or my partner's insecurities. Update. Oh! Okay. So let's see what happens here. This is five days later. Okay, some shit's gone down in five days. She's like, I found a cosplay I'm doing that's even sluttier. I'm cosplaying as your girlfriend. Full titty out. I'm Bayonetta. Yeah. All right. I'm silent. Yeah, I'm silent. Dude, imagine showing. Silent? Silent's from Metal Gear Solid V. Oh. It's basically like. I didn't get that far. It's a big bikini warrior. Is that late in the game? Because I only played the first 40 hours. That game is like 200 hours. Yeah, I think it's halfway because Metal Gear 5. Yeah. Am I thinking of 5? No, I think you are. Yeah, the open world Metal Gear. Yeah, I was like 40 hours deep in that. I didn't see her. I think she probably comes in about 50 or 60 hours. Yeah. Anyway, I got to hear this update. All right. Sorry, I got distracted. Wow, I didn't expect this post to blow up as much as it did. Thank you for all the support, understanding, and kind comments. First of all, I want to apologize if the redaction in the original post wasn't the best. English is not my first language, and I kind of wrote it in the heat of the moment. Second of all, my ex left the friend group and took his new girl with him. Good riddance. Yeah. All right. In an attempt at making me apologize, he left the chat through a long paragraph of text and a block to every single person involved. The two ex friends who asked me to apologize to him followed suit. I'm not surprised in the slightest, since they've been his friends longer than they have been mine. I will admit I'm a bit heartbroken about it, but I'll get over it. Of course, my ex DMed me to call me an immature bitch one last time, then proceeded to block me as well. I'm honestly fine with that. Now for some clarifications on the original post, yeah, I admit the screaming match was very immature. I didn't want to make excuses, but after a whole day at the con, we were all tired, hungry, and very annoyed. Emotions were running high, and we behaved very immaturely. Thankfully, that particular place is used to dealing with con attendees and weren't too harsh on us. We did leave a big tip as an apology. To everyone asking if I'll post the cosplay, I am flattered, but while I believe, I've become a bit more confident in myself. They're like, "Oh, we just gotta see it. Yeah, nice going, Reddit. Good job." Yeah, cool be the judge. Cool story. Let's do photos. Yeah. We'll be the judge if it's slutty. If it's slutty enough. I don't think I'm ready to blast it to thousands of people on the internet just yet. Maybe I'll upload something to my main account at some point, but definitely not here. Just in case anyone wants to know what the screaming match scene looked like, only five people out of the 11 were wearing regular clothes. The others were all in cosplay. I love that. Viper, myself, Chamber, two Mikus, a Cave from Genshin, and a friend's original character. Again, thank you all, and sorry if you were expecting a more dramatic update. We'll see you next time. Bye. Bye. Bye. I know, I got some Google searches in my future. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. We combine these first two stories. Furries getting in a fight at McDonald's. Hell yeah. Oh, I'm in. Some prime entertainment there. I never thought about people going to a con as their OC. As an original character? Yeah. Yeah, if they're putting stuff out there, I don't know. Interesting. People really go for niche things. They really do. Because there was a few times back in the day where we would go to Comic-Con, and I was like, I'm rarely recognizing things. Like, I'm in, but nobody's going to go as the most popular stuff. They got to find the like. They got to show that they know a ball. Exactly. They're like, I went as the chef from episode 219 of One Piece. That was in the background. But that's going to be a really sick fucking ref for like the five people there. You've seen all the Chosen. There's this trend of people going to these cons as Chosen. There's videos of them coming down escalators. It's so funny. There's just like 50 Chosens down an escalator. I would be disappointed. Have you seen these popping up? People really go as the Chosen a lot. It's a great costume for a con. I'm very honored whenever I see people dressing up as the Chosen. If people get in a fight as the Chosen, I will be disappointed. Yeah. Because that goes against the character. Chosen uses words. At our Smosh Reads Reddit story show in London, these two people went as Zok-Dok. Oh, I saw Zok and I saw Dok. One shirt said Zok, the other shirt said Dok. That's the deep rep. Right there. I was like, you guys are doing free advertising. Okay. So this dude split up the friend group. Entirely split in half. Split up the friend group. And in such a lame way too. Being like, I'm going to write this huge paragraph and I'm going to block everyone so you can't respond to it. And everyone's a bitch. Embarrassing. It is embarrassing. Anyways, moving on. I don't feel like either of these have been like as these are people standing their ground in a very fair way. way. Yeah. So far, I believe. I mean, it's kind of like a big reaction, maybe, but it seems appropriate for the situation. Yeah. To some degree. I'm on their sides. Yeah. Our next story comes from True Off My Chest. This is posted in 2023. My ex-girlfriend got revenge on me and I'm so broken. Oh. Whoa. Oh, this is from this perspective. Yeah, interesting. This is going to be a. The vengeance receiver. Yeah. I feel like this is going to be a heartbreaking perspective. Yeah. I, a 25-year-old man, have been with my ex-girlfriend Carly, 23, for nearly 10 years. We were high school sweethearts and had a good relationship up until after she completed college. Adulthood has been putting a strain on our relationship, so bills and finding sustaining jobs has been a challenge. We started arguing a bunch and just started overall being annoyed with each other's existence. We weren't sleeping in the same room, let alone being intimate. It was a tough time, to say the least. We tried therapy and I felt like it wasn't working. I honestly wanted to be done, but I couldn't break up with her because we lived together and she helped me get out of debt. So I did something horrible and I started cheating on her with her childhood best friend. Ooh. Her other childhood best friend? I thought she would never find out and my gosh, I was wrong. Yesterday afternoon, I came home and she wanted to talk and without hesitation, she jumped straight into it and asked me point blank if I was cheating on her. And I, of course, tried to lie and she just starts laughing and says, "I knew you weren't going to admit it, but I was going to give you the benefit of the doubt. So now I just feel less guilty." I just confessed to her and she just looked at me and didn't have any expression nor speak. When I finished, she just laughed and told me, and I will never forget it. Honestly, it's fine because Louis was over last weekend and we had a great time. My heart dropped to my stomach because Louis is my big brother. Oh my god. Oh, that is diabolical. This is messy. Diabolical. This is messy. You kept it in the family? God damn. I just thought it was a low blow on Carly, given she knew how insecure I was about my brother. He's the golden child and literally always did things ten times better than me. I'm stuck having to have some sort of-- Six inches taller. Yeah. Bigger dong. Eight pack. Maybe even ten pack. I'm stuck having to have some sort of relationship with him, and meanwhile she can just drop her friend. My chest and heart have been hurting so much since I found out and I'm so broken. I know I was wrong for cheating first, but if she knew-- But if she knew, why didn't she just break up with me first? I called out of work because I feel like throwing up just thinking about it. I did not intend for this to be a viral post. I'm just extremely hurt and I get I fucked up. Also, yes, I know she did because she offered video proof and my brother has been dodging my call. What the hell? I'm going actually insane right now and all you people here are just obsessed with kicking me while I'm down and it's fucked up. Like, I get it. LOL. So funny. She won. Good for her. Also, with the debt she helped me pay off, she just did it from her inheritance. I didn't-- It was just her inheritance? If she asks for the money back, I will be willing to set up some payment arrangement with her. Oh my god. This is insane. So messy. And he's the victim. He thinks he's the victim. And she's offering to send him a video of her fucking his brother? Damn. That's crazy. This is chaos. Oh my god. Oh my god. You know what? Okay, okay. There's a million things going on. One is him going, uh, like, why didn't she just break up with me? It's like, buddy, we could ask the same thing of you. Right? And you're giving all these excuses of like, well, the situation's weird and we're living together and stuff. I'm like, yeah, that's kind of why cheating is so shitty because, yeah, you're stuck in that situation. Yeah. If you're gonna cheat, you need to just break up. He's like, she could've just cheated on me with anyone else. So that it wouldn't have been too hurtful. Yeah, it hurt me too much. You already chose her childhood best friend. Yeah, which is diabolical. It's already-- I mean-- And also, to say to say, I didn't think she'd find out, how dumb are you? Dude, if you're gonna cheat-- All the people in the world-- If you are going to cheat, you have to know that that shit is gonna get found out. Especially someone so close to her, right? Oh my god! The closest person. Yeah! Outside of a brother, maybe. What the fuck? She one-upped me slightly. Yeah, it's like, duh, she's gonna find out. Wow. Okay, though. The best-- childhood best friend and his brother, diabolical human beings. Oh, they're horrible. Everyone's horrible. Everyone sucks here. Everyone here sucks. Like, that's not-- I guess it's not her childhood best friend. No! Like, what the hell? And then his brother? Like, his brother just sounds like he's the devil. Like, just living to ruin his life. I mean, I think I think that dynamic uh, happens a lot more than we think. Ugh. Probably. Of like, people-- I mean, you-- I mean, I think a lot of times, like, I feel like we've all kind of heard stories of, like, people where it's like, oh, this, like, couple got divorced, and then one person started seeing the other person in the family. Like, I feel like that happens not, like, often, but often enough to know it's, like, an existing Only one out of every 10,000. Get long-lasting battery life on the Dell XPS laptop, powered by Series 3 Intel Core, so you can work from anywhere. So say goodbye to distractions. And hello to more free time. Because you finished your work faster. Limited-time deals and free shipping on PCs and more await you at Dell.com/Deals. Every journey needs a guide. The Center for Professional Education is yours. Guiding your professional growth every step of the way. Improve your professional skills, earn credentials, make a career change. CPE is your guide to making it happen. Backed by the quality of UT Austin, our programs and instructors help individuals and organizations throughout Texas and around the world achieve their personal and professional goals. Learn more or enroll today at professionaled.utexas.edu and write a Reddit post about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. This episode of Reddit Stories is sponsored by ZocDoc. Life has some pretty big moments, like moving to a new state or starting a new job. Getting situated and starting over can feel like a daunting task. That's why I use ZocDoc. ZocDoc lets you search and compare local, in-network doctors. Imagine just logging on to the free ZocDoc app, entering your location, adding your insurance, and just like that, you can line up all your appointments for the year. Dentistry, primary care, dermatology can all be taken care of in one app. They have more than 150,000 providers within 200+ specialties across all 50 states. There's no need to be stressed about finding a new doctor. ZocDoc is there to help you out. I had been pushing off doctor's appointments for years, and when I downloaded the app, it made it so simple that I had all my doctor's appointments set within a week. It's incredible. Your health matters and taking care of yourself shouldn't be complicated. Find and book the right doctor with ZocDoc. Head to ZocDoc.com/PittReddit to get started and check that appointment off your to-do list. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com/PittReddit. Back to the show. Oh my god. So basically, she helped him out of debt. Yeah. So she was basically, I think in many ways, like supporting him. Mm-hmm. But out of an inheritance. Yeah. It was just her inheritance. She didn't earn it. She didn't earn it. I don't know. It was free money. Free money. Um, I, it's just like, it's impossible to be on this guy's side. Like, um, and all the things he's giving, I just kind of struggle with it. And it's like, we weren't sleeping in the same room, let alone being intimate. We tried therapy, and it felt like it wasn't working. It's like, alright, like, then I'd have the conversation and break up. Everything in the universe was telling us to break up, but I just had to sleep with her. With her childhood friend. Yeah. Were they married? Uh, I don't think they-- Girlfriend. No, they're just dating. But I mean, ten years. Yeah. Ten years is like a marriage. I mean, it's, they're living together. Their lives are intertwined. I couldn't imagine, like, dating somebody from 13 to 25 or whatever. Yeah. That's like, you just-- That is wild. You're a completely different person. I mean, I get that feeling of being, like, kind of trapped in a relationship where you're living in a house and you're, like, in it way past it. You're in the relationship way past its prime. Totally. And you're like-- And you don't know any other relationship. Yeah, and you're like, I feel like this isn't working, but I don't have enough experience in my life to know, is this the way that just relationships are just supposed to be this way? Sure, sure. But, like, when it gets to the point where you're, like, we're sleeping in different beds and I'm cheating, it's like, that's a-- And therapy isn't working. I just, I don't understand. The signs are there. I'm like, if you are cheating on someone, the relationship is over. Yeah. Like, you are-- If you are at that point where you have no communication and you're just operating. I'm like, "You don't sound like you like each other." Like, why are you doing – especially at 25. I'm like, I don't understand. It's not like you have kids and it's like, oh, we're supporting our children together and stuff. It's like, come on, man. There's always – and this is a tough thing when a relationship's not working out. There's always a really good reason of like, well, we can't break up because it's so uncomfortable and it's awkward. It's like, yeah, breaking up sucks, especially if you live together. It is super inconvenient. It's going to be an absolute hassle, but you got to do it. And as much as it hurts now, it's going to hurt worse later. Like, if they broke up a year prior, the pain would have been a lot more manageable than this. It's also just funny that, like, he feels indebted to her to not break up with her because she paid off his debt. But not indebted enough to not cheat on her. Right? Like, the debt stands out so much in his mind that he's adding it in his post. And also in, like, the most hurtful way, too. Like, there's only – outside of, yeah, relatives. There's, like, that is probably the most hurtful person that you could cheat on. It seems almost purposeful, right? Yeah, yeah. To, like, completely – Like, he was trying to force her hand? Almost like – Force her to break up with him? Yeah, it's like he was sabotaging it. Yeah, yeah, he was trying to sabotage it. I'm picking up a few context clues from this. One is that when he lied to her, she asked him, like, flat out, like, are you cheating on me? He lied, and she was like, I knew you would. She had already gotten her revenge. But she clearly, at this stage, had zero faith in him and had such disdain for him. And this behavior clearly had been – she had probably caught him in a million lies up to this point. Also, I'm guessing that this affair with her best friend has been going on for a while. If she slept with his brother a week ago and is now asking – like, it sounds like this timeline, this was not like, I slept with your best friend once. It's like – Yeah. Stuff had been happening. So I think she was so – So beyond done. Yeah. This guy lost me so many times, though. He's like, yeah, and then she asked me if I cheated, and I lied. And I know he's not asking for our opinion. It's just a confession. Oh, yeah, yeah. But it's like, dude, you're not going to get sympathy from Reddit if you're saying – like, people don't – like, they're not going to stand with a cheater. Even, like – Especially not Reddit. Reddit hates a cheater. Yeah, I mean, I just think, like, people nowadays really hate breaches of trust. Yeah, that's what it really is. It's the deception of it all. Like, no one wants to be like – and, like, it's not – A one-time deception obviously is horrible, but – and then to be repeated and repeated and repeated, it, like, just exponentially increases in rate. Right. The comments on this – You didn't just cheat. You went to her best friend all while you continued to reap the benefits of living with her. How is what you did somehow less worse than her going to your brother? And only in the aftermath of you doing it first, mind you, so she'd hurt you too. You really aren't a victim here, my guy, and I don't know why you expected anyone here to fall over themselves telling you otherwise. Someone said, this post is so funny. You go and cheat on her, but when you get the same treatment back, somehow it breaks your heart. Please. Someone said, if you had a bad relationship, then why didn't you break up with her? You decided to cheat instead, and now you're mad that she did it back? You should be ashamed of yourself. I'm glad she gave you a taste of your own medicine. Damn, people are glad that – I mean, like, yeah, I think you're still allowed to feel hurt by what she did, but at the same time, it's like, yeah. He's probably more allowed to be mad at his brother, but her, it's like, dude. There's just, like, this weirdness where, like, when someone's being so hypocritical, it's like, bro, look at yourself in the mirror for a second. Why are you getting your feelings hurt when you're looking at the situation in the mirror? Yeah. I really think, like, it seems like cheating really messes with people in their head. Like, getting away with it seems like it really does something. Like, I almost think that's the worst case scenario, is to get away with it. Because I'm like, now you're mad. Now your brain is like, oh, I got away with that. And, like, I'm just like, ugh. Like, I almost think that that scares me more than the repercussions, you know? Like, I'm just like, I just think it's bad for you. I feel like it would be such a haunting feeling. Totally. To just – to live, like, it's – I think it's the same with doing anything and getting away with it. Like, people who get away with a murder or something. Right. Where I'm just like, you're now living day to day in this weird simulation of, like, everyone's talking to me as if I am someone. Yeah. Right. And nobody knows me. I'm like, it's got to be isolated. It's got to be isolating. And that's why, like, I know, like, isn't it a weird thing that with cheating, the cheater can develop a resentment towards their partner. Yeah. For, like, not knowing. And, like, it's a weird – I'm like, it's one of those things where I'm like, I don't want to deal with the psychological horrors that come with that. Yeah. And, like, a lot of times it comes up on this show, like, and you even mentioned it. Like, when someone is so concerned about their partner cheating, so often they're the ones cheating. And that's why the idea is planted in their head in the first place. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's often the biggest red flag. The biggest red flag is, like, severe levels of suspicion. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's just their own anxiety going crazy because they're anxious about this own – their own situation. Yeah. So they're being anxious about everything. Because how – you can't trust anyone if you know you've gotten away with something. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. It's like, it was so easy for me to get away with. Everyone's getting away with something. It's truly like – it's like a horror to me. Yeah. I agree. Anyways, moving on. Because that is the revenge so far. That was crazy. That is revenge. That was the first, like, real true diabolical revenge. That was some Game of Thrones revenge where it's like the revenge had already been lain. Right. Quite literally. It was like, oh, I've already done it. I want to see the scene, like, reenacted with, like, Game of Thrones theme. Right? I could see that. Yeah. Oh. That'd be a good episode. I want to see – I want to see, like, the girlfriend comment and be like, yeah, and I'm with his brother. He's great. Everything is awesome. Taller, longer, wider, faster, stronger. We're buying a house. Richer. I'm already pregnant with his child. Better hairline. Better, way better hairline. Oh, okay. Makes a really mean baked ziti. Oh. Yeah. What is that? Whatever. Pasta. Okay. All right. Our final story comes from Petty Revenge. Ooh. This was posted the week of Christmas, 2025. Ooh. Merry Christmas. I ate a bag of rich man's nut so my boss would stop coming into my office and eating the rich man's nuts. Okay. Coming into the office? All right. The way this is phrased is – Yeah, it's a lot. There's a lot going on here. It's the holidays, so the company I work for gets a lot of gift baskets from our clients and vendors. I work in a department that, because of the work, we do, we rarely get gifts and treats unless one of the other departments shares their gifts with us. Thankfully, someone shared a couple of baskets with nuts, candies, crackers, et cetera. The VP has been coming into our office almost every day to pick from our gift baskets. He doesn't do this to any of the other departments, and I have seen him get a couple of baskets himself and never shared them. We had an unopened basket and he opened it, then chose the most expensive item, a bag of pistachios, and ripped into it, stealing some of our pistachios, then said, I love the rich man's nut. I love the rich man's nut. Are pistachios the rich man's nut? They are more expensive. Oh, wow. Especially if they come pre-shelled. I've got to learn about the harvesting process of these things to justify the price of these rich man's nuts. They are delicious. I feel like pistachios are on a lot of expensive desserts and stuff. Yeah, like Middle Eastern desserts and stuff. Yeah, like baklava, which has pistachio on top. Is Dubai chocolate, is that pistachio? Yep, that has pistachio. Okay, so the vice president is coming into their office, grabbing pistachios and saying, I love the rich man's nut. And these are gift bags. These are gift baskets. That were for the workers. For the workers, for departments. They're a department that doesn't get many gifts, so like someone else gave them some of theirs. And this vice president's waltzing in, taking the best things from their basket. Do you remember we had somebody, we had somebody back in the Defy days. What are you doing with your fingers? This sounds like a mystery, a mysterious story. What is this? Remember when we had. Come with me to the pistachio bar. Do you remember there was an executive at Defy, and there was a bowl of M&M's, and they would walk in and just like grab M&M's, and somebody was like, oh, I saw that person not wash their hands. They didn't, yeah. They go to the bathroom. Was this when I worked there, or was this. No, this was in the dark ages. Okay, this is the year after. And then they start, they would like. They would like walk into this room that had a bowl of M&M's, and they would just like stick their dirty little wiener hands on, into the M&M's. The hands were bad enough. The unwashed hands were bad enough. The rich man's nut. The rich man's nut, yeah. It could have been peanut M&M's. Yeah. It might have been. Oh, boy. Yeah, I do remember this. Oh, those wiener hands. This man makes five times what I do. When the opportunity came for him to. To fight for raises for us, he didn't. And now he is coming into our office and stealing our gifts and eating our rich man's nut. This cannot continue. I decided that I'm going to eat every single pistachio. I don't particularly like pistachios or nuts, but I am not going to let him come in here and steal my rich man's nut. I'm going to eat them all to myself and enjoy every single last minute of it. I have eaten four sleeves of nuts. The basket is now empty. My body doesn't feel good, but my pride is intact knowing I am full of rich man nut. While he cannot. I can't take any more. There's lots of other ways to get that, you know? I am full of rich men. You can just get on, like, a sugar baby, like, website. Okay. There's lots of other ways. Why didn't this person just. I don't know if you're finished with the story. It's over. Yeah, it's over. Okay. Why didn't this person just, like, hide them? Yeah. Just tell their department, hey, like, this guy shouldn't be stealing our rich man nuts. You didn't have to eat them all at once. I don't think this counts as revenge, because that also means the rest of the department doesn't get to have the rich man's nuts. Revenge on one person. What are you doing? He cut off his nuts. He's from Robin Hood, but if he gets it all to himself. Yeah, what the fuck? Dealing from the rich and. You're like, if Robin Hood ate the gold coins. Yeah. He cut off his balls to save his wieners. You know? What? Oh, my God. Cut off your. What is the term? The rest of the accounting department's like, hey, man, where did the pistachios go? And he's over here, like, filled to the brim, just like. Those pistachios are so filling. Shit. I got a bag at the airport thinking I was just going to chow down on the. I was so full by a third of the way through. Yeah, they're, like, really fatty. Yeah. They're good for you. But that takes effort. Yeah, he's got a lot of fiber. I don't know. I don't know how much fiber pistachios. I don't know. I just know they're really good for you. I don't know pistachios in particular. I'm thinking, like, almonds and stuff. Yeah, okay. Walnuts. You might have some fiber. Yeah, yeah. Comments. I mean, you could have taken them to someone who would enjoy them, but I still approve. That guy is a jerk. Someone said, That's a thought. Wow. But you'd also need, like, phyllo dough, too. Yeah, yeah. You need a lot of stuff. Someone said, I think your vice president is a squirrel. Yeah. I was thinking, he's, like, yeah, he's, like. He's, like, a truffle pig, you know? Yeah. He's, like, I know they're around here somewhere. For his pistachios. Yeah, I don't know if that counts as vengeance. I think vengeance would be you'd have to swap them out with, like, those super spicy nuts. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Something like. Something like that. You got to get him. But he was unharmed in this process. There were so many fun ways he could have gone about that revenge, right? He could have swapped them out all for shelled pistachios. Or if he really wanted to put in the time, he could have taken the pistachio out of the shell and just gave him a bunch of shells. Oh, a bunch of shells. A bunch of shells. Yeah. Or went through all the pistachios that have shells on them and only left in the ones that are, you know, sometimes. The little burnt guy. They don't quite. Oh, yeah. Like, there's not enough, like, of a gap to actually open them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Break a fingernail, open it, just leave those. I really can't do anything that I have to shell. I struggle with that stuff. I'm like, I don't want to work for this. Okay, privilege. Truly. Yeah. I'll crack those thick-ass nuts in my teeth, though. And it's scary. That's crazy. It's scary. You're like, I might lose something. You know what he also could have done is attach the bag of pistachios to, like, a string, like a pulley system, so when he grabbed the pistachios, two logs came down. It's smoking. Oh, yeah! Okay, great. You know, he could have done that. That's going to be an awkward HR conversation. He walks into his office, the guy's hanging from the ceiling, like, whoa! Yeah. Yeah, you know. Did this guy not watch Home Alone? Were his wheels not turning? Yeah, clearly. I mean, he can up his game here. Yeah. Instead, he hurt his stomach. Instead, he felt full. Yeah. Congrats, man. Ate a bunch of pistachios. You could have just taken. If you're going to eat them all, just take the pistachios home. Like, what are you doing? Why did you eat them? He got one sitting. There's so many other things he could have done, and he chose the silliest option. All right. I want to know if the dude came in and was like, where are they? Where are my pistachios? He's like, they're in my belly. They're in me. Then I'm going to eat you. Yeah. He just tears open his stomach. All right. Oh, man. Well, that was our final story. Wow. Wow. Some good vengeance today. Was there? Nothing. Well, nothing beats the. The one guy who's. The brother. Yeah, who cheated on his girlfriend, and then she slept with his brother. That's peak. That's peak. Vengeance. The rest was kind of silly, but still good. If anyone sleeps with my childhood friend, I'm going to sleep with their brother. All right. And you heard it here, folks. It's the way the cookie crumbles. That's just how it goes. That's how it goes. It's the only logical thing. Hey, look. It's what you have to do. Anyways, thank you both for joining me. Of course. Had a great time. Thank you. And, uh. Of course. I don't know the way you said it. I was like. I'm just wrapping it up. Sure. Look. Yeah. You walk into my office, and I have a bowl of pistachio nuts, and I'm like, go ahead, Ian. Help yourself. You're like, what are you. The spicy ones. I'm on the phone with your brother. No! No! I'm calling your brother now. This is how I find out I have a brother. Because we found your long-lost brother, and I fucked it. I went on Ancestry.com. I have a brother? Your brother. And I fucked it. And you're just like. You just put the pistachio back in the bowl. Yeah. Okay. All right. Thank you both for joining. Thank you. And thank you for watching. We'll see you next Saturday. Goodbye. Bye. Bye. Thanks again to Dory. And thanks to DoorDash for sponsoring this episode of Reddit Stories. Every professional journey is unique, but no one succeeds alone. Check out our courses at professionaled.utexas.edu. We're here for you to learn more. This episode sponsored by She's Birdie. You know that little wave of relief when someone texts, made it home safe? 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