YOU have the world by the balls!

kick this motherfucking meal lead what's up beautiful people it's the church of what's happening now new testament tuesday august the 4th what do you want to do uncle joey's here johnny hitler's here and we got another hour of fun filled i don't know what what's going on doctor oh dude i i pulled a move that i think you'd actually be proud of me of what'd you do so this weekend after one of my shows uh the you know how i used to go to infected mushroom the jumping up and down with the jews they had a show and i went and i still love them but it was they're not selling the same places anymore and the people in there like when i went when i was in my 20s it was fucking like there were like sexy people there it was like it was like a cool like i didn't feel cool enough to be there you i was there for about 20 minutes and i was like because it's israeli people so god forbid something wants to happen would i would this be a place like i'd want to die and i i left after like two songs i was like this is not because it's scary and i had just had you in my head if i died at that time especially it was like on the second floor of like a brooklyn warehouse it wasn't good and it was just like the people in there were like i don't know what's it was like people there were weird looking it was like comic-con went to like a techno like an electronic thing and i was like if i die here joe is gonna haunt me and so i i left why would i what no let me explain some to you because you know the answer you would american people is what i'm dealing with this kid goes to a concert and all of a sudden starts thinking about death where were your priorities that night where's where's your belief in god my belief is that you will fuck with me and if i if i told you i went because we've talked about me going to those that those shows before i like it you jump up and down did you jump up and down a little bit not as much there was uh their fans are older there's not as much jumping up yeah times have changed yeah that shit ecstasy in 28 is completely different and there were young people there but it wasn't i took edibles the energy wasn't the energy wasn't there and it was just like they had they had a bunch of security checks and then even then like anything related to israel it's a little scary now no and i'm on whatever about it but i was like if something were to happen this would be a place it could happen we think nandami's on the show up with new chucks they had to be fucked up no but but dude stuff happens all the fucking time you have to be positive i am like that when you go out that type of shit ain't gonna happen you know what i'm saying like you as a joke i said that one time can you imagine going to an event and there you are bleeding from the head and you wanted to stay home and watch narcos exactly this dummy came over i got tickets and now you're looking at him his fucking eyeballs knocked out of his head search your right you fuck no man i you know i live on that thing too if you go over there there's gonna be every time i've said if i go over there something's gonna happen nothing ever happened yeah we've been waiting to watch you know new year's eve that channel seven shit and for us yeah who doesn't stay up just to if you think i stand for videos and for the performers i'm waiting for a bump in it right but one of those cnn one of those that's why you watch it so while somebody's on stage like lady gaga is singing some arab goes up there with the vest and says ah that's how the this music sucks long live allah whatever the fuck and that's why you want yeah but you can't live like nothing yeah but you can no you can't because if not you will stay in your house all the fucking time you know saturday i was supposed to bring my daughter up to nick and his girlfriend and i'm like i'm not going up there because number one you got that traffic and number two there's no busier traffic than in hudson county on a saturday and sunday so and i felt bad after it i'm like so i'm controlling my life i'm based in the traffic and i'm like yeah yeah i lived in california for 23 years i don't want to sit in it i don't want my daughter said that it's just too much traffic up here on saturdays everybody goes to bergen lane avenue everybody goes to bergen lane avenue yeah i don't i don't blame you for that at all sometimes you pull up google maps or anywhere before you leave is this worth two hours of work especially me i'm 63 budget okay every minute counts right now you understand me it's like you're 23 i'll get a job next week uh-uh it don't work like that no more they might not be next week so you gotta play it like that so i don't want to live under like weather rules or something but i gotta tell you some guys sitting in jersey traffic sucks when you're sitting there there's nowhere to go and it's raining and it blows traffic everywhere blows so i don't know i'm at times i feel i'm living my life the wrong way well that's gonna be good we were talking about like the time you spend in austin you're not gonna be in traffic ever you're gonna walk to the club i'm not i'm not worried about traffic down there i just gotta walk from point a to point b that's my point because it does like i know when we were talking about me being like afraid a little bit at that concert but yeah traffic especially after you wasted like imagine going to san diego on friday from la like imagine like you would have to leave at two for a 7 p.m show and now you're like i don't want to i don't blame you for that for not wanting to drive up north that's real that's not a joke when we tell people that it was if you have the game if you have a show in san diego at nine you gotta leave about three o'clock at the latest on a friday so and that you when you get in that corner it says four hours you're like fuck and it must have been more fucked up before gps because you were just guessing like i guess i'll get there when i get at least now i can be like all right there's traffic here here and here listen this is how i do all right you ready what is it 90 miles yeah yeah later san diego times 90 miles an hour how quick can i get that an hour that's what i would do it's usually two hours san diego should not take you any more than a buck 43 on the way down or a buck 43 on the way back but it turns into four and a half hours so even at 35 40 i'm like i'm not doing that i don't want to be stuck in five hours of traffic i didn't work la jolla for years because of that you would turn down weekends at la jolla yeah because you have to leave at one in the afternoon i didn't have a car so now i'm working with fucking a comic that's scared of his own shadow we're gonna leave at 10 30 for what that's even more traffic at 10 30 ask george he came to comic con i never drove down there i fucking hated driving to san diego yeah no no i don't like that i don't like being in the fucking car for that long especially now man it just sucks but that's how i time san diego it's 90 miles i don't know it's 120 miles so if you're doing 80 85 miles an hour you're gonna get down anytime yeah but no one does 80 miles but i would do i remember when eric and i opened for you at la jolla that was a great weekend but we left saturday after the show probably i think you made it home before we like uh commerce casino like i think you were like 45 minutes ahead of us because on the way down you're fucked but on the way back you're wide open on saturday night okay with the emphasis on saturday night you're not gonna pull that shit sunday morning with the bozos coming in mexicans running up you're not gonna pull that shit on a fucking sunday morning i would get in that car at a quarter to fucking 12 and i'd be in hollywood on martel copping a gram of coke by 1 a.m and i did that every fucking time i worked san diego the gas was filled up and there was no goodbyes i went right from the stage the car was already packed closers in there there was nothing to stop for there was a water in there there was a joint already rolled once i go through immigration you won't see me like i do under like 80 as i'm hitting the immigrant where do you yeah they ask you if you have any fruit they never stopped me once no so they just go like this yeah yeah they never sometimes they ask you what do you got and i got a pepper you know but right after they unleashed me right from there i would do 100 all the way to irvine now i'm 45 minutes out now i got this bitch now i gotta go on another tear for 90 and next time i look up we'll be with a commerce casino because you're 21 miles away at this point so you know not that you've done it a couple times i've done it a million times and my whole journey was to get back by 1 a.m to beat the coke dealer from closing he didn't like customers after one Early time for a drug dealer to close. I don't want to hear no stories from nobody. An hour 43. Big pimping. Fuck. And if a cop pulls your bomb Friday or Saturday night, that's the five, correct? Yeah. As long as you have an ID and an insurance card, they will not give you a ticket. That might not be. I got pulled over doing 85-90. What's the rush? I got a spot at the comedy store. What time you got to be there? Make up a fake time? There you go. All right. Do me a favor. Keep it on the 70. The rest are wet. Because if you don't have alcohol on your breath, they're not going to fuck with you. They have too many people to fuck with. Too many people. I don't know how many times. Don't say Joey while he knew you. There was no podcast back then. There was nothing. It was straight up gangsterism. You never once got pulled over? I got pulled over a couple of times heading up, but never got a ticket from San Diego. And that's the reason. Because I never had alcohol on my breath. And he would say to me, dog, your foot's a little heavy tonight. I know I got a spot at the store. Talk to you for a minute or so. Where are you coming from? The La Jolla Comedy Store. Why are you going up there? Because I did a spot here and I got another one up there at 1.30. And you just get into that and right away he comes back. The insurance, the license is up to par. You're back to speeding, Jack. I would, dude. So you getting pulled over once didn't make you go slower the next time? No, because now I got it out of the way. I got the pullover out of the way. You get pulled over an average of two and a half times per year. Sometimes you get a ticket, sometimes you don't. Check the national average. You know, whatever the fuck. So you just think the odds are in your favor to fucking go for it? Yeah, I don't drink. My eyes are clear. My paperwork's okay. You know, I might have been doing a little fast. But officer, it's an old car. I don't know the gap. It's a new car. I don't know this. It's a medium car. I don't hear so good. You see, I got the handicap sticker. You're working it. Always as a gentleman. As soon as a cop pulls me over, I put two hands out of the fucking car. Don't shoot me. Right there, they know. This guy's going to be okay. He gets to the car. I treat him with all respect in the world. I don't even, you know, most people start with their stupidity. Six out of ten people will say, I wasn't speeding. Listen. How about I just pull you out of the car and beat you with this baton for 25 fucking minutes? I'm pulling you over because you were speeding. And right away, you're telling me you weren't. And people just commit. Oh, yeah. You'll see it. People just fall apart. Do you ever, do you get that on Instagram? My Instagram is full of people lying to the cops and the cops beating the shit out of them. No, I don't want it. I don't like it. I don't know why Instagram things are. What the fuck do you watch? I don't know this. What the fuck? Dude, Instagram knows what you like. And I guess I like it. I don't like that. Oh, well, it's because they, there's a thing called, fuck. There's a, uh, uh, they're, they don't believe in laws. So like they'll say that they're a sovereign citizen. That's what it's called. A sovereign citizen. And I don't really know the, the, but they, they claim they're traveling. They're not, they're not driving. So they don't need a driver's license. And there's just these videos of them, of them telling cops and cops tasing them. And then pulling them out of the car. And there's something I get. I don't know. I see it all the time. You don't see it? No. I don't want to see that shit. You know, man, it's tough enough being a fucking cop and then running into like these street lawyers. I want to, and I come from a different society where street lawyers never did well. They make you follow them. They beat you up in an alley. They're going to do something to you. Just keep your mouth shut. I never got being like. Apologize right off the bat. I'm sorry, officer. I didn't see that light. I didn't see this, but you're always apologetic. Well, I had the light. It's a Jersey yellow. You just got nailed. Tell it to the judge. That's when I never, when people like me, when they just yell at the cops or like, that's crazy. What'd you just gain? I had this kid I went to high school with who was really rich and he would do it. But like, we had like a small town. Like all they did was write. Like traffic tickets. Yeah. And he, it was, uh, I don't know. I've always, I've, I don't have a respect, but I'm definitely afraid of police. Like I wouldn't like, Oh my God. At the end of the day, you know what? You're going to, you're going to talk shit about them. But when somebody robs you, hits you in the head with a stick, you're going to go crying to them. Yeah. So you got to treat them the way they are. You know, on all these worlds I've lived in, I never had a problem with a cop. I've never, I can't look at you and go. One hit me or one searched me or one stole my weed. There's a guy who found weed on me and he looked me in the cell and he goes, Ooh, it sends to me a season right in front of me because I'm keeping this. What are you going to say to him? Don't do it. It's against the law. Take it. He's not going to charge me. Oh, fuck. He's not going to charge me for the weed. So, you know, I mean you banging it out with a cop cause you just watch law and order is not, you know. They love saying that. I mean that they, I know my rights and the cops like, I don't think you do. And there are fucked up cops. I know my right to, and I got the right to see a gun and I could just pull out my gun and shoot you in the fucking head. That's my right. And within 10 minutes I have a Puerto Rican here dropping off a gun that I saw and you will go night, night until before you even think about that shit. You don't know what that cop's going through. Him and his wife, him and his wife got into a fight. His mistress sucked his dick wrong. There's a thousand. There's a thousand things and you want to play Johnny Attorney. Leave it alone. Leave it alone, George. Leave it alone. Did you ever have anyone like that? Like, did you have, were there like prison lawyers that you fucked with? Oh, and they end quick. Why? They end with a stick baton to the head because there's no lawyer in the building. I'm going to call my lawyer in the morning. You know, blah, blah, blah, blah. They try to be Scarface. You'll be walking the beat in Alaska. Okay. Clunk. Fuck. You want to write your attorney here. Which hand are you? Righty clunk. You got to write with a feather. Fucking inverted and shit like that. The fucked up world. What? I said, to be honest, I don't know how we got there. Where? To the, to the prison people. Oh, to the, oh, to the police. You asked me a fucking question about the police and the prison. Now, you know that I just never, even from my perspective, I don't know how we got there. I don't know how we got there. I never had a problem with a cop, especially like when I grew up in North Bergen. You saw these guys every day. You saw them. They lived in the town. So they're running errands and you're in shop right. That's that cop that fucking hassles you at the basketball court. He happens to live downtown. You don't have a beef with that guy. Now I got to see him every time he comes to the court. You know what? If I don't say a word to him, he'll let me stay here till 10. But if I start playing that goody, goody two shoes, he's going to chase me out of here at eight o'clock. So let me be cool with the motherfucker. He'll come over to me and go, Joey, you got to go home, but just stop dribbling the ball. Just shoot. You remember those guys? Don't dribble the ball. Just shoot. Get the rebounds. But I can't have neighbors complaining. Once we start yelling and bring a fucking box with a music, that's when you're done. But if the guy's letting you play that, he's just saying, calm it down a little bit. Don't know loud music. Fuck, I can say that. I can say that till two in the morning. Right. So it's just different things that the cops already giving you a break. And now you want to argue with the guy, whatever the fuck. I mean, it's just this, I've just seen so many things that I'm like, what the fuck are you thinking? And I had, I like, we didn't have any, like we had the dare comp. Did you have, do you guys do dare? No, they didn't last too long in this thing. And then when you, the cop used to come to your school, explain drugs to you. Yeah. The dog ate him. The dog ate the, the dog. And that's way after us. Cause you were already doing it. Authorities, authority. Right. Right. I mean, I don't know where you learned that at home, what's something you have inside of you. You know, by the age of 10, that if you're getting chased by, I mean, you're in South side of Chicago and you're getting chased by three Polish gangsters. And you say, see a cop, you're going to raise your hand. The cop's going to save you. Right. So how are you? I don't get it. I don't get this whole fucking, no going up against the heat and shit. Like when you, like when you got in trouble, you, you were like, yeah, it's fair. Like you were like, I, he's got a job to do. And I got a job to do. My job is to steal and stay on the streets. And his job is to arrest me and take me off the streets. So there's no reason that we just, you got me this time. Remember, I could destroy a cop 80 times. In a row, but eventually he's going to get me when it matters the most. I could beat him in court. I can do a thousand things, but at the end of the fucking day, he's going to nail me. Cause I'm not that smart. Nobody is. So as long as you know that going in, once they got a smell for you, you got to figure it out a little bit because they know that in time, I'm always going to get you at the end. They're always going to win. Then they're going to impose a sentence on you that you, You wish you'd never done anything. so think about it that way. I thought when I got in trouble, my friends were like, bro, we get you a job in Costa Rica being a Hertz guy for Costa Rica. You know, when people come, you rent them a fucking car. That's a good job. That's a good job, but what happens? George gets hit by a car. I come up here to visit him in the hospital. When I'm walking out, I get caught, and I'm 55 now. I still got to do all that time again. That's why I didn't run when I got in trouble, because eventually they're going to fucking catch you not even doing another crime. It could be something as simple as going to the emergency room, and they do a background check, which they do. A lot of fucking hotels do background checks. You know, there's a lot of businesses, when you contact them, as you give them your info, they're doing a background check as you speak. That's that new shit that happens now. So I don't even know. That's why we got the fucking whatever information. These BK broilers, man. I know it's the BK broilers. That's why you should say less. I'll fucking, I'll talk to you about whatever the fuck you want to hear. Just 100 milligrams, those things. I think we took the 50, so give them another one, just in case it was a 50. I didn't take a 50. I'm good on that. I'm good on that. I'm good on that. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what happened this weekend. I don't know. I think when I was 10, I heard that expression. Shut your mouth. You got the world by the balls. And for like two years, I thought about that expression. Just like, what the fuck are these people, these old dudes saying? You know? As I got older, I used it. And I would think about it, you know, and like when you're just feeling down about something. You know, you're just having a bad day. You're like, what is that? You know what I'm saying? I can hit the lottery tomorrow. You know? Right. You know, when I see somebody young who's doing comedy, in the back of my mind, I'm like, I don't want to be younger, but I know that they got the world by the balls. When I look at how old I am, and I notice that I don't have to work a ship, I don't have to do anything. What are you laughing about? I don't have to do anything creepy that I don't want to do. I say to myself, I got the world by the balls. You know, if I get up in the morning, I go to the dentist, and he says, you got one cavity instead of 22. I got the world by the balls. I got something to work with. Right. But the other day, I saw it in living fucking life. I think Saturday, I went to do something in the morning. I got home, and I put the computer on. And I was sitting in the back room. Terry had put the TV on. Something happened, and then she left. Not left the house, but just went to a different part of the house. And I was watching what was on. I heard something, a voice. I'm like, that sounds like Whitney Houston. And I looked over, and it was the bodyguard. Her and the dude from fucking Yellowtail, whatever, Yellowstone. I had some Yellowtail sushi today. That's why I was thinking about Yellowtail. Yellowtail. Have you ever seen that movie, anybody? No. It's a movie about Whitney Houston's a star, and she's getting death threats. So she hires a bodyguard. It's whatever his name is. Kevin Costner. And he looked good in that movie. Kevin Costner looked like Steve McQueen, like a young Steve McQueen in that movie. And he's a bodyguard, but somewhere along the line, they fall in love. He gets shot on the job. Yeah, pretty not a bad movie. A little mushy for my taste, but it was on. And I went up to get water, and they were just having a scene where he's talking to her. And I'm looking at her for like fucking five minutes while she's talking to Kevin Costner. And do you know that I just welled up with tears and just started fucking crying? Because I'm looking at this girl. It's 1992. How old could she possibly be? A year older than us. 30, 29. Here she is. I don't know how many songs she put out by then. She was fucking beautiful in this movie. Oh, my God. She had the fucking, with the loop earrings when they put her hair up. Whitney Houston was smoking. And I'm like, what if somebody took a picture of this movie and went to her one day and said, Whitney, look at this picture. You've got music. You've got movies, tours. You're fucking early on. She got signed up to be like a makeup girl for all those companies. She had so much loop coming in. I'm like, but she had the evil side that I had. She had addiction. You know, she loved bat partying. And this was way before all that. You know, she picked it up in East Orange over the years. And I'm looking. Yeah, you pick it up in your neighborhood. You know, gram here, a half gram here. And it's funny how you look at the picture. You know, you look at the, if I could talk to her again, though, whatever you're doing in your life, that's negative. Get rid of it. Because look at this. If this is somebody who's got the world by the balls for real, look at everything she had at that time of her life. And, you know, somewhere within the pressures, writing music. Bobby Brown, you know. And I can't blame Bobby Brown. I mean, you don't blame Bobby Brown. All she had to say was no. You know, but it grew with them as a family. And what happened happened. She died, not from a cocaine overdose, but she was on her way because of just the constant push and pull. When you have that constant push and pull of rehabs and getting clean, and I'll sober up for a tour and mid-tour, you know. You go on. You're on the road six months. Good luck. By the second month, you're going to go to an after-party. Somebody's going to have white powder around their nose. And pop goes the weasel. Pop goes the weasel. So it's very hard to sit and watch and judge somebody. And that's what I was crying about. I was crying that, dog, all of us, except for Lee, we drank the same water she drank, dog. That dirty East Orange River, whatever that river water they get is, hacky from the blackie. You know, she drank the same water as this man. That's not some girl that, she drank the same water in the projects. And here she was on top of the fucking world. And that's very hard to accomplish. That's very hard. I mean, so I was just thinking about, hence the expression. When you have the world by the balls. You know, you come in here every fucking Monday. Last week was the Tranny Comedian Show. The week before that, the oven blew up. The week before that, tonight's fucking thing was, you're not doing well in front of young comics. Well, listen, that's great. Because when I started, I always got my antennas up when I saw people with my hair in the audience. And guess what? If you start believing that. Every time you see those white haired people, you're going to bomb. So, you know, you're not doing well in front of this young audience because you got it in your head. It became a lead Judaism piece along with the gambling, along with, you always freeze up because you don't have that THC coating in your body. And that's what happens. See, I got the body protector on. I'm eating edibles. I'm smoking pipes. I'm making it happen. You don't get into, so you stay a Jew-y kind of person and it's going to keep going. Every time, every time you're going to hit a stage, you're going to look behind the curtain, see a row of young kids and you're going to go, fuck, there goes my night. And that's what we're trying to avoid. And that's what we're trying to avoid altogether. Because I don't need you, what did Shinzo say? Most battles are won before they're ever fought. The dude from this, whatever, the Seven Samurai. Shinzo, whatever his fucking name is. Most battles are won before they're even fought, Lee. So if you keep putting that in your head, it's going to happen to you what happened to me. I remember one time I had to open up for somebody like Wendy Liebman in Fort Lauderdale. What's the one above? Boca? Bro, it was a fucking bunch of old Jews. Not only were they Jewish, but they were old, my age, like 50-year-olds, 55. They all had white hair. I ate a bag of dick for no reason. It took me, it started in North Carolina, Chapel Hill, where my fear of young kids started. That was like 97. And now, years later, I still had that fear. Like if I went to a comedy club and there was young kids mixed, I would do okay. An old couple. But if they were, I saw five. Five of them, like, they just got off the ship. They just got sent home from Social Security. I would fucking panic, guys. It took me a few fucking years to overcome because I know it's just a stupid thing that I'm listening, that I'm seeing. It's another, it's another, what is that called, George? Another red flag that you're throwing up against yourself to limit you. You're not doing well in front of them because you're being a Jewie. You're being a leader Jewie. When you get high and go up in front of them, you're not going to give two fucks about them. In fact, you're going to go, fuck you, punk. You don't even eat pussy the right way. And look at your girlfriend. She still pisses and the panties still smell like pee. You don't even dry your fucking pecker. You don't even dry that fucking monkey correctly. That's why we're experienced, Lee. That's why people always go, oh, well, you're so wise. Wise, you know what you get? When you spell wise backwards, you made a lot of fucking mistakes. That's, that's, that's what being wise is. You're not smart, anybody. You just made a lot of fucking mistakes. So in comedy, you'll get wiser and you'll see that all that shit is resistance. It's your own body fucking with you. I used to have that about old women and then it was probably Chinese people. Yeah, because if you let it in one time, now you're going to, oh, I don't like that. I don't like when a bachelor party's there. I don't like when bachelor parties are there. I don't like none of them. All you got to do is go up there, crack your fucking jokes and get the fuck out of there. Right. Hey, Uncle Joey, I want to talk to you about something. If you got weight loss goals, it's time to actually hit them. Weight Loss by HIMS is designed to support the whole way. 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Enjoy responsibly and I want to thank In The Cloud for always having our back. No, I didn't. So it's, you're right. It is just, because I, I don't know. It's something I noticed that I just do better. I do better if it's more of a mixed ages or even older. But like the younger, like the 20 year olds, it's like 50-50. And I just feel like, I don't know. I feel like they're cool, especially in New York. Like they're cool at that age and I'm the opposite of them. And I was like, I don't know. I was just trying to. You don't even fucking know. You're over there sitting there. I'm cool. And what the fuck are you talking about? You're a Jew. Be proud. Be proud. Go up there and knock them the fuck out. That's going to be hard to sell these days too. Fuck these young kids or fuck the old people. You know, for me, I used to feel happy when I saw black people in the audience though. Yeah, I like that. As soon as I see black people, I'm like, yeah. Because I got somebody to work with. Oh yeah. Yeah. And it's just, it was just interesting. It's just, I don't know. I got, I got, we did Edibles after a show that didn't go well and then I just sat there and like watched some music and I was just, I was just, it was like an hour and a half concert and I just was talking to myself the entire time. It was a good concert, but it was just like, I'm trying to take this seriously and it's weird to go from a 10 person show on the Upper East Side that went amazing. Like the club was like calling for sponsors. Like it was like, couldn't have gone better. And then a big room in Brooklyn and it goes okay, but like stuff that like hit there doesn't hit and it was just, it was just, I don't know. I come, I have access to your brain. So I was like, I don't know, but you're right. I, my goal is to be funny to everybody, which is not possible, but to the more people of Oslo. You ever, do you ever do that? Just talk to yourself for like an hour and a half? All the time. Yeah. I'm the only one I'm the only person who talks back. You have to listen. That's another thing I'm not doing up here. What I do down there, like Tuesday when I got to the club, I can only do the one show. I didn't go home. I stayed and watched the showcase. Okay. I watched like eight door guy go up, you know? And it was really interesting because I don't do that here anymore. By the time I get to the show, it's a packed show. I can't sit in the audience and watch it. Because people are going to be like, Joey, Joey in the audience. I don't need that. You're on stage. I can't disrespect anybody. So I sit in the back of my business at those comedy clubs that have a back seat, you know, like the comedy store had that back row. Right. But all the way in the corner, you just put your hood over. Don't nobody know you're there. You put baseball hat on with some glasses. Nobody knows you're there. And I would watch like four or five of the comics and see what the fuck is going on. I don't know. I don't know. I don't have that no more. So that's why I did an Austin Tuesday night. I just sat there and watched comedy. No idea what they were talking about. None of them? No idea. But I laughed. I giggled. And I got to see it because I learned from everybody. Whether you're young, old, maybe that person bombed, but they threw one fucking good joke up. And the way they delivered it was fucking spectacular. And that's what I'm always looking for. That one last fucking hood to bring you back, you know? So it's really interesting how you learn from comedy and different. I don't like listening to comedy. And I realized last week the problem with specials is I don't like watching them. I want to see it fucking live. Right. Yeah. Okay. There's a huge difference. Huge difference. Whether you're in front of 40 people or 4,000 people, that's that energy in the fucking room that I like. And I miss that. I don't do that enough here either. You'll get to see a lot of it, Austin. I'll go early. That's my world. Go early. The first show starts at 7. I'm right down the fucking corner. I can leave at a quarter to 7. The show usually runs late even if they start at 10 after 7. I'm stoned. I sit in the back. I get a fucking ginger ale or a thing of water. And I watch. And I learn. And you guys are like, well, Joey, how do you learn from God? You learn from their mistakes. And they remind you about yours. Because I'm not perfect. I fuck up every time I go on stage. I just know how to cover it up a lot better. Because I've been doing it for a long time. I'm not better than you. Yes, you are. I've just been at it for a long time. It's a big fucking difference. And people have to start realizing that. I struggle. I do all the same shit you do. And I did. All this shit you bring here, except for getting chased out of the tranny bar. I never did that in my young comedic career. But, I mean, you know, I look forward to these on Monday because you're always telling me something that I go, wow, I'll apply it to a different story in my life. Like when I got thrown out of the Josh Wolf fucking, the gay lady beat me up with the umbrella. That's just a crazy sentence. Oh, but it's. It's what, Lee? It's what? Look at the shape of you. Well, this voodoo week, listen, if you want to get high on that, I'm fine. Because this is one of the people at home don't understand this. This is like the biggest week for us this year. We got Brooklyn. We got AC on Friday and Saturday. And it's not just AC, it's home. A lot of people from old schools coming. I'm getting text messages from people I haven't heard from in fucking years. People's kids are coming that I grew up with. That type of shit. Fuck yeah. So we're going to have a lot of crazy people down there. That's why I said let's go down there Thursday night so we can get our ya-ya's out by ourselves. Go get something to eat at one, which you can't leave that building at night. It's got to be in there. I'm not letting nobody on the crew leave because they even tell you, don't go out there. I do want to double check. Can you double check Evergreen Dispensary in Atlantic City? Evergreen Dispensary. I talked to them. If you walk in there with your ticket, they'll give you something. It's like 20% off. Something really good, too. If you walk in there with a ticket to my show before the show, they'll hook you up. Because I went in there one day and they told me, tell your people. What's the name of it? Evergreen. It's right across from the Ocean's Comedy Club. Right across from the casino. Two in the morning, they close. They close at two in the fucking morning. So we'll be going over there. Some people go to Wohop. Right. That's what we'll be doing. We're stoners. We're going to Evergreen at 12 or 1 o'clock to make a video. 12, 26, Atlantic Avenue. On Thursday night. When you walk out of there, you look across and you can see oceans. What the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Behind the front. Does it matter? Everyone has Google Maps. It's called Evergreen. Yeah, Evergreen. Dispensary. The shows are going to be sick. It's going to be. I've heard nothing but cool things about it. About what? About oceans and Atlantic. I've never even been to Atlantic City. It's your first time for everything. It's going to be. I'm excited to game. We won. I think we're one and one now. Who? At the tables. Oh, no. We went to more than two. Yeah. We're two and one. Two and one. We're two and one. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I listen to you every Monday. I listen to other comics. No other comic that we work with is very highly experienced. Everybody's like eight years, right? Pedro's eight. Javier's fucking like eight and nine. Hector. Victor's a Daniel. Becky's like two fucking years. Becky's like three years. So I enjoy watching you guys because that's the only time I can watch you. And it's crazy because every time I watch you in a big venue, you guys get stronger. Even if it's a little bit, you guys get that fucking stronger. What are you looking at me like I owe you 20 bucks for? You look like Simon Boston. Fucking open your eyes, Lee. God damn it. What do you mean open your eyes? How dare you? I wasn't. My eyes are out. Give him another edible, please. Give him that other half. He fucking skimped out. No one skimped. And he made the other half like. No, I'm not taking no one. Fucking. The other half. The other half was just a little piece you fucking took, Lee. Terrible. Terrible, Lee. Fucking whatever my. But I struggle. Dog. I struggle. I look at things now. I look at that notebook in the morning. I'm like, I can't believe I'm doing this. Like, I've been trying to put shit down at night or figure out what I wrote in the morning. And I'm having a harder time now. You think by now the muscle would be settled? No. You know, and that's why I tell you, motherfucker, settle that muscle. For a long time, I could just sit down after eight minutes. I'm whipping something up. It's not that easy no more. Even with side stories, I'm making up stories. I'm trying everything. I can't get the. I can't get the right a fucking joke. You know? But I feel like that's going to change in Austin. I feel like you're going to have come back with two hours in a month. Listen, I did five spots last week, and I felt it when I got on that plane. Of course. I felt it by the second night in a row. I felt like that top 10% just dropped. Listen, it's just not Austin. You do it anywhere, anywhere where I could do three or four shows in a row in one week. Like right now, if I go out early show Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, I'm pretty good for the week. If I really want to strengthen that one joke, going back up on stage at 10 o'clock would definitely fucking help. But I don't even have to wait to 10 o'clock in Austin. You just walk down the block and somebody's doing something. And all these rooms have mysterious people. Like they all have 30, 40 people in them. I've never. Oh, the sunset. I've never. I had a hundred people in there on a fucking Thursday night early. I think they bring in a band later. But yeah, but still. They have open mics all the time. The whole, that whole strip is comedy heaven. And there's a ton of good rooms. And I would say to you, like, I was talking to my wife, the business manager, and we were talking, why not just get a subletting apartment in the city, which would really be a good idea. I just don't have those many clubs to go to. I don't feel like working the weekend. You know, the weekends are for professionals. People are making money. And if I'm not out there to make money, why am I stealing spots from other people? My whole thing of getting better is going out during the week. Okay. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. But I gotta go. I can't spend those. Like, I can't stay out till two in the morning, three nights in a row. I'll be broken. I'll be broken. Telling you right now. I know what I felt like. When I came back from Boston the other day, and I went out three nights in a row. But there, I have to go out every night because I'm paying for a hotel room. I gotta get my money's worth. I didn't go down there to sit in a room and watch TV. Once I get an apartment, I could do two nights, take a night off, maybe do a spot here on Thursday night. I think I'll always be back here for the weekends because there's always something going on with my daughter. So, I got a plan. A man without a plan is not a man. Nietzsche. Nietzsche said that. I think. Who the fuck knows? It could have been the show Gun to Harlem. I don't fucking know. But it's all the same, Lee. No matter what level. I always had it wrong. I always thought that after 20 years, you'd be rocking and rolling, maybe doing this and that. I had it completely wrong. It don't stop. The hustle never stops. The grind never ends. For people who think. Oh, I'm going to hit the lottery in my landscape business, bro. The hustle never ends. If you're a real person, it never ends because you want to better yourself every fucking day. So, I don't know about. What are you looking at me like? I got HIV and I'm breathing on you. The fuck is wrong? You see? That's the hustle. Every day, you want to get up and be a little bit better than what you were yesterday. That's the hustle. That's the hustle. Some people could just get some money and just sit at home and wear a robe and plant an apple. No. I want to keep working until they fucking bury me. Or at least a variation of it. I go blind. I can't watch comedy, but I can still hear it. And I can still coach you, Lee. And you can still do comedy. So, I want to be involved in it forever now. Now I'm in. Because now I have something to offer. I know I do. Fuck yeah. Not a lot. I can't tell you how to be a star or how to sell tickets. But I can at least teach you how to do the basics. And I can teach you how to tell these motherfuckers to suck your dick. You can help with selling tickets. No, I can't. That's something that you cannot figure out. You have to touch the people a certain way. I used to work for a sports betting service. And it was really hard. Because the first time they signed up, they couldn't do it with a credit card. They actually had to pay cash. You had to get them to get up, go to the ATM, upstairs to their mother, whoever they borrowed $200 from, find the Western Union, send me a Western Union, and then call me afterward with a 10-digit confirmation number. And I used to say, how the fuck do I make people do that? The second time, you could just give me a credit card. Nick, I got the fucking Red Sox again. tonight. I got a couple special plays in there. A $50 betta will make $8,500 with me tonight. Come on. Grab the Visa card. What's the start? With four? Because MasterCard is five. Visa's four. Hmm. Oh, shit. So you already got them. Four what? What's the Amex? How's your name appear on the Amex? You're selling for that fucking name. So I used to always think about that. That's the equivalent of selling a ticket in comedy. Because there's so many variables. It's not like me and George would go into the city at eight in the morning, stand down the line at Chickatron, buy two tickets and come home. Oh, no. Now you gotta take out your credit card, give me your name. That's two hours right there. Getting a ticket for somebody's fucking two hours. And it's also like the difference between buying your ticket like when it gets first announced and selling out. Or if like you, like, are people buying the ticket, you know, two days before the day of. Listen, number one, all that shit doesn't matter to you right now. That's the number one question. It was probably my question also. How do we start getting people in seats? I already did My Name Was Earl, and it fucking recurred. I already done a couple movies, Spider-Man 2 and fucking Longish Yard and Plus Plus. How do I get people to get up off the couch and come to watch you? What would make you get up to go see somebody? Especially when you're a comedy half-quit fan. Like you watch specials, you go to a comedy club once a year because it's close to your house, you and your buddies go after work. What would it take me to make you get off the couch? Never mind the babysitter and all that bullshit. Let's talk chicken here. How are you going to get these people to get in? Like I told you, the story with me is simple. I did all those things. I was doing a podcast, and I told the story about mugging a fucking hooker. Now, when somebody says they mugged a hooker and lit a wig on fire, most people run. It opened up my ticket sales. So, again, I can't sit here and tell you that I went the organic route. I can't. I can't sit here. Like, I remember Dice explaining this to me 30 years ago at the store, talking about how he blew up out of two clubs, Pips and Rascals in Jersey. And they would tape a show on Rascals in Jersey, and Michael Mann came to New York and put that show on in the hotel room and saw him, you know, being Diceman, then offered him an audition. And how long that process took. It was a 10-month process till he earthed him again. It was so long that he was at that club that weekend. The same club where he came to watch him and talk to him. And he goes, a year later, the guy fucking called me. 14 months later. He said, we're going to start shooting in November. But I'm talking about the ticket sales. It's I've never been a smoke and mirrors type of guy. You remember the speech I told you when we first started hanging out? I got really high with you one day. I remember listening to Get Your Wings by Aerosmith. And I went off on Aerosmith. How people forgot Aerosmith, but they're an American institution. When Aerosmith rocked in Boston, it wasn't like Boston was a boring place to be. They competed against the Celtics, you compete against the Flyers, and you compete against the Boston Celtics, the Boston Celtics for entertainment in Boston. I never saw music in that equation. And here's five junkies from whatever part of Boston there is, playing these bars in Boston, and they got so much notoriety, and then they did what everybody else did, what Twister Sister did. They probably did Jersey or Connecticut or Pittsburgh, and the word got out. You know, that's strong. When I make a first impression, and the word gets out. So I always, you remember the speech we had? We were talking, and we were talking about how hard it was for Aerosmith to fucking put out that first album. Yes, that I do. At that time, 1970 in Boston, there was a ton of shit going on. There was nobody want to see five long-haired motherfuckers. How did they break through? How? Every show they did, they broke two needles. There's three of them. No. Every show they did, they destroyed it. They gave you a full adventure. They sweat on you. They did a bunch of things to. You don't sell the ticket. You're selling what's going to happen once they get there. How they're going to feel once they get there. That's the biggest mistake I see with people. They laugh. Hey, I'm doing a show. Thursday, come by, and one of those descriptions, you got to describe what's going to happen to them. They're going to see fucking. Who's doing drugs right now? These days. Who's big on drugs on TV? Anybody? One of those people. Delonte West. Delonte. Who's that? The former Celtics player who is homeless on the street. All right. Even Lamar Odom. I'm having a party tomorrow morning. Lamar Odom is going to be rolling joints at this party. I'm presenting something to their mind that's going to happen. And that's the other thing. Listen, I wish people come to Atlantic City this week. Is it going to be the best show they see all week? I could tell you that. Absolutely not. You're probably going to see somebody more creative, but you're going to get a lot of energy. You're going to laugh at some weird stuff, and you're going to see some weird people. You're going to see a family atmosphere. That's what we're selling. I'm not selling. I could sit here and blow smoke up people's ass. I don't want to do that because that's not what I'm selling. I'm selling an energy pit where everybody in that room, you're going to feel love in that fucking room. And people are going to be laughing at shit they've never laughed at before because the way it's being presented to them. Plus, I'm going to have Lee Syatt there, the flying Jew. I'm going to have Pedro from Pedro. I'm going to have Becky Z fresh off the boat. Whatever the fuck you're presenting a picture. People don't want to sell you that. When I go to a restaurant, I tell Nick Nick that's our menu and these are our specials. This motherfucker's going to read you 20 specials. You ever go to a restaurant, they read you 20 specials. I'm going to focus on two of those. And I'm going to sell it like it's a fucking orgasm. Listen, Nick, you ever bite a steak and it droops down your face? That's what you're selling. That's what they're going to go with. But if I sit there and tell you, we have the duck color orange. We have the pancetta a la cocoa. We have chicken cutlets. We've got pork shredded cutlets. We've got this. We've got that. I'm not going to sell you anything. You're just looking at Instagram. We've got pork chops. We've got this. What would you do if that was Instagram? I've got pork chops and nice cherry peppers on the side. They just picked up these fucking potatoes from Idaho. They had to smuggle them back into Jersey. There you go. I was thinking of a fucking potato today. So what's the difference between selling a car and selling a comedy ticket? There's nothing. You're paying for one of those people, George, Impulse. Those are the people that buy the first tickets on Sunday night. When the ticket gets on sale, they're right there with their credit card. And I appreciate them. But they're Impulse buyers. They're going to buy whatever the fuck at that minute. And they're going to go, Nick, you think my friends will come from Toronto? Let me get three extra tickets for my friend. Oh, at 300 apiece. Let's check it out on the phone first before I go putting out this money for anybody. So there's so many things about selling that people just, I'm doing a show in Newark. So who the fuck cares? Those three black guys, they're rapping for a fucking donation in a tin cup. But you got really good at it. Because I only have one shot. And before I started asking, I made sure that I could ask. You got to make sure. You got to make sure you want to open up that can of worms when that can of worms open. If you leave it organically, it's going to open. You just don't know when. And that will take away the pressure from you. And it's that it's that show where you least expect that bust out. You take pictures, video, the club owner tells people. Now it starts happening once a month. Then after eight months, it started happening twice a month. Then four times a month. Now you do it on a regular. Everything takes time in this. I wish somebody took the time to fucking tell me this. But is it something like, you say time, but like. How many years? It took you, what, like 20 years? Yeah. But for me, I was just lucky to be doing something with my life. I was just lucky to be doing the same thing for 21 years. I was very fortunate because, as my brother George will tell you, I had a different job every 90 days. Every 90 days? Not because I didn't want to work, because I didn't want to fucking work. I didn't like anything I did. Thank God I stepped on the stage and it gave me light to say, this is what I want to do. At the time, I knew I was a loser. I knew I couldn't do anything big because of the felonies. I was dead. So I might as well do something that I really wanted to do, regardless of what the outcome meant. Because at the end of the day, it's not about money. It's if you even like doing this shit. I'll get you a job making $150,000 a year, but don't come crying to me when you're 28, you're $3,000. You're 2,000 pounds overweight. You hate your wife. She's 2,000 pounds overweight. Because going somewhere every day that you're not supposed to be at, that ain't going to make you happy, no matter how much I give you. Eventually, one day, you're going to get up and go, ah, and that's it. You would think so. Because I know that's how I felt all those years when I was trying to find what to do with my life. Every turn I turned, oh, this is a union job. You get the best benefit. Dog, I'd rather be snorting coke. I don't need all this. I don't need all these benefits. You don't look at it from that way. But it's the way I felt at that time in my life. I didn't want to do shit. And I couldn't see going to work for somebody and busting your hump for them to give you a gold watch after 50 years. Yeah, you were real important to our company. You know, all that type of shit. Meanwhile, he's got a house and a boat, and you're living in your fucking forked bedroom, flat up there and fucking somewhere. The only thing you have for a backyard is a little fucking thing. But you were a great employee. Go fuck yourself. If I'm going to die like this, I might as well die on this on my fucking. What I want to do? I want to fucking paint. What's those Irish people that sing? Those Irish dancers? Not the Fab Five. Huh? You know, they have a play in the city where there's Irish dancers. It doesn't matter. What I'm saying is, I'll go dance in an Irish band. But why the fuck are you going to do something that, yeah, pays you sensational, and you can't get another job paying you that, when after 10 years, you're going to burn out and quit anyway? You're going to get into a fight with somebody because the anger builds. What's the difference? That's how I picked stand-up. I picked stand-up because I didn't have any other options. It wasn't like I had a fucking. You know, my options were, yeah, to start entry-level somewhere. Great. With no college degree. That's always going to get you far in that company. And eventually, you're always going to have a fucking boss. So look at that. What are you grinning about? What, did you get new. Did he get new teeth or something like that? No, I'm just. I have no idea where you started with that. About what? What do you mean about what? I don't know. This is why. Bro, you don't do no training. You got to train. I train all the time. Every fucking day, I tell them to train. Do they listen to me, guys? No, they think it's a joke. They want to be comics, but they want to do it half-assed. That's what I. Edible is part of being a comic. That's the steroid. You know, the guy with the illegal substances, the NFL and the UFC? There's none. And we could use them to our full potential. Mm-hmm. Because I know I do my best work when I'm 800 milligrams under. Jesus Christ. That's a reason. It makes you loose. It takes that stick out of your ass. For me, that's what it does. For some people, it could be two shots of Jake. Jägermeister could be two shots of Jack Daniel. Everybody has a different thing. Right, brother? And that's it, and that's that. Wednesday night, we're in fucking Brooklyn, guys. And then Friday and Saturday, I don't know if you got your tickets. There's tickets left. Look for Saturday. Friday night, take your time. Go out, stay home Friday night, give your wife a stabbing. Saturday, you wake up, you go on oceans.com, you get yourself two tickets, you come on down, and we'll see you after the fucking show. There's no T-shirts. There's no hats. I'm not banging out for CDs. I just want you to come down and watch the show and have a good time. And that's it. That's the only show I got on tap. This week and until fucking October, so November. and that's that. You good? Sure. I'm good too. I love you guys. Stay black. Have a great week. I'll see you in AC most of years. Love you. you