You cannot save her, only God can

Welcome to today's podcast episode. Thank you so much for joining me. If you're not new to tuning into my podcast and you will have noticed there is a change. There's a change in the name of the podcast as well as the cover. And we've transitioned from Gates of Perception to the Dear Men podcast. And this is a change I'm really happy about. As some of you may know, I've been looking for the perfect name to change the podcast to. And I thanks to a lot of your feedback. I finally found something that resonated and felt good for me and the podcast as well than some of the things that I'm really just passionate about exploring. So thank you for being here and thank you for everyone that provided their honest feedback and helped me get to this point where we've settled on something that I'm really happy about going forward. And I don't think I will be changing for a very, very, very long time. So with that said, today's episode is going to be about exploring something that I feel is very overlooked. When it comes to understanding ourselves as men and the things that I would call pitfalls that we eventually and will fall into on the path of becoming better men. And one of those is this thing that I see men do and it's attempting to save a woman, attempting to be her white knight or play god in her life. Now many men won't tell you that, oh, I'm trying to play god in her life or I'm trying to save her. This is very, very subtle. Sometimes it looks pretty obvious, but it can bypass our conscious awareness very, very easily because the idea of saving a woman, the idea of being her white knight, even playing god in her life is very seductive to the male spirit because as men, two things happen throughout our development. One is we are imposed, there's these expectations imposed on us about being a protector, being a provider, being a leader. And some of those expectations, I think, are just native to the male spirit. I think masculine energy by nature is designed to function like a shield, meaning that everything that is helpless, innocent, precious, and vulnerable in the world, masculine energy is designed to want to guard, protect, and shield that. And all those things that I listed, the innocent, the vulnerable, the helpless, the precious, that is the attributes or traits of the feminine. So as energies, this is how these energies complement each other in terms of strengths, right? And when I say feminine, I'm pretty sure by now you guys understand, I'm not saying women, I'm saying an energy, a spirit, a principle of life. And when I'm using masculine, I'm talking about the spirit of masculinity, not men. So because men primarily operate from that energy, it's very natural for men to want to feel that desire to protect, to save, to be leaders. So I think some of these expectations, they can be very harming and damaging and disappearing. I think at their core, they're just principles of life removed from the patriarchal and disappearing aspects of it. Now, the second piece is that men growing up in this culture are also are bombarded with imagery of heroes, heroes that are supposed to represent what it means to be a man. So each of us throughout our childhood, we are attracted to the action figures, to the comic books, to the Iron Man, the four, the Captain America, the James Bond, John Wick. These characters are very, very attractive to men. This is why you will often see men have action figures throughout their room. And some of them maybe let those things go at a certain age, some of them, you know, it turns into a whole career or a secret that they hide from their wives, but they spend a lot of money to collect these action figures. And it's something very, it's a, for me, it's a symbol of something men strive for in their lives, the superheroes, right? Mine personally was Spider-Man growing up. I was obsessed with Spider-Man. I had a Spider-Man shirt. I have a picture. When I was a kid, I believe fourth or fifth grade on school picture day, I wore that shirt and I used to wear that shirt every Friday. I was a big, big Spider-Man fan. Still, I am. And there is a reason I think men are attracted to these archetypes, right? These superheroes. And it's partially because we want to be that for the people that we love. I wish to be somebody Spider-Man in some kind of way. You know, maybe other men, it's the James Bond. It's that image of successful, confident, capable. And for others, it's Batman. There's so many means around men envisioning themselves to be Batman. Bruce Wayne, he is the embodiment, the metaphorical representation of success, strength, power, dominance, all the things that men strive for in their lives. Now, because we do this, because we have these images, they speak to something within the male spirit, the male soul. And this is what I mean is that it's very seductive, because we cannot be Batman. Most of us can't be Batman. I can't be Spider-Man, unless I get bit by Radio Act of Spider. And my power is, my dormant powers activate at some point. That's not really a plausible reality for me, right? So what's more plausible, what seems possible in my life and in my relationships is me rescuing people, is me saving people. Meaning that if I'm attracted to a certain woman and we have a deep relationship, I can save her from herself. I can save her from her shadows. Her shadows, the things that she struggling with, the areas where she needs to grow and improve, maybe the quality or the circumstances of her life are now the villains. They're the villains in the story that I can save her from. So this is why I think it goes very, very overlooked in a lot of men's personal development journey. Because we are attracted to certain types of women for a reason. This is why you will see a man that is very, very successful in his life is completely content with dating a woman that works at Starbucks and is 23 and struggling with her finances. He is very, very comfortable and okay with dating that woman, marrying her possibly. That would not be true for a woman that is very, very successful in her life, has climbed the corporate ladder and has reached the level of status. You will not see that woman with a 20 year old man that works at Starbucks. It just will not happen. Why? Because men don't really care about a woman's achievements or status. To be honest, that's not something that we really care about. It's not something that we measure whether a woman's worthy of getting a ring or pursuing a relationship with her or having a future with her. Based on those attributes, it's not really something men think about. What we do look for is that innocence. A man will be with a very innocent, soft, feminine woman. That is 23 broke. It doesn't really have much going for herself. Over the boss girl, that is very successful, highly intelligent and has reached a level of financial security in her life. Why? Because it's more about the fact that in this relationship, that man can rescue that woman. It's about the journey itself. That journey of oh my god, look at me. I'm coming into her life and I'm going to be able to rescue her. I'm going to be able to rescue her from this world that she finds herself in, where she's not appreciated. She's not living a high quality lifestyle. I'm going to be able to rescue her from that. The problem with this is that it's a form of dehumanization. It's also a form of self-delusion and arrogance, which I will get to later. The aspect of it that's dehumanizing to men is that we need to humanize ourselves. Because being a protector, being a leader and all of that is great and all, especially if you have the power and the resources to provide and take care of your family. At the end of the day, you are more than just a provider. You are more than just a protector. You are more than what you do for your family. You are not reduced to your function. Do not reduce yourself to your function, your utility. But a lot of men do this and it's a form of dehumanization. We know this by the grief we feel when the people in our lives see us as ATMs, see us as resources, see us as something that they can use to get to somewhere else. And that does not feel good. But what's most important is to understand that we do this to ourselves. We do this to ourselves when we reduce ourselves to a savior, to a rescuer, to a provider, to a protector. There is much more to us than that. But it's a form of dehumanization. We are disconnected from an aspect of our own humanity. And we do that by going into these types of relationships, these types of relationships where we are going to be forced to protect, save and rescue this woman from herself. It's a very different relationship if that woman has the capacity to rescue, protect and shield herself from herself, from her shadows, from her trauma, from the things that she needs to definitely work on and evaluate. It's a different kind of relationship. It's a relationship of equals. But if we're in a dynamic where we are attracted to the damsel, the woman that's in that masculine shield is also part of the damsel. We want to rescue her from our masculine shield. Oh my God, you've never been with good men. Oh my God, all these men have been mean to you and rude and abusive. Ah, so now you're cynical and you don't trust men. You think all men are going to cheat on you. Ah, that's terrible. It's why are you signing up for that? That is not your responsibility. That is her responsibility to reframe these experiences, to kill from her past, to make peace with her past. But men see these types of women and jump into the relationship and want to be their savior. I'm going to save you from that. I'm going to fix your world view of men. Not your responsibility at all. But again, if you are not humanizing yourself, what happens is you do not admit to your own limitations. You do not admit to your own limitations because we want to be super heroes, so we deny our own limitations. This is how you get men that burn themselves out in love, sacrifice themselves in love because they do not think that they should have needs. They should have desires. They should ask for things in their relationships and they burn themselves out by trying to be everything for this woman, for this relationship. It is not a possible brother. This is a form of dehumanizing yourself. This is a form of dehumanizing yourself and it's very, very overlooked because of how seductive it is. The glory of being the man that saved the woman from herself. The glory of being the man that brought this woman from the trenches. The very dark circumstances of her life and elevated her life. Elevated her perspective. Elevated all of these things about her that by your understanding are because of you. Now, this is where the self arrogance and the self-illusion comes in. What men often say after a very, very difficult breakup when they're operating from this rescue, fixer, save your energy is look at all of the things that I did for you. Look at all of the things that I did for you. How could you do this? How could you say this? How could you betray me? Men try to buy loyalty. You cannot buy loyalty. You cannot save a woman into being loyal to you. You cannot save a woman from her own destructive tendencies from the fact that she has a hard time taking accountability or apologizing or emotionally regulating or just being a faithful woman. But we try to save women because it's an attempt to gain some kind of loyalty. But you cannot buy loyalty. But we still try. Now, the self-illusion here is that at the end of the relationship when we realize we couldn't buy the loyalty. The woman was still unfaithful. She betrayed us. She disappointed us. Whatever happens that leads you to feel very heartbroken. One of the things that you start to do is that you review the relationship and then you start to think about all of the things you did for this person. And you start to identify yourself as the doer. There is a spiritual understanding that you are not the doer. Anything that manifests in your life, you are not the doer. It's an understanding that you are just a vessel and you are an instrument which life happens. But it's very hard to apply this understanding in intimate relationships, especially when you are taking action. You are the guy that takes charge. You are doing things that really are an aspect of fixing shit. Making things happen. You are doing that, right? But in the ache we feel at the end of a relationship, there is a pain there. And that pain is our own self-delusion. We think we are the reason that this woman is where she is. We think we are the ones that saved her. You did not save her. You cannot save anyone. Your love for a woman is not what saves her from herself. Your love for her is meant to save you from yourself. I am going to repeat that. It is not meant to save her. It is meant to save you. Because what is actually elevating and changing and transforming that woman is not your love. It is how your love, your protection, your care, reminds her that she is also capable of those things. She is also love. She is also worthy of more. So your love is an instrument for her to recognize those things about herself. So it's not you that's doing it. It's what's in between you two. Collegiate Bronze says that true lovers do not embrace each other. They embrace that which is between them. What is between you is what you think you are. It is not what you are. When you attribute and you take that on, you think that's what you are. You are the humanizing yourself because you're playing God now. You are not God. Only God can save her. God is what is working through you. Whatever you want to call it, the universe, Allah, the divine force that animates your body is what is working through you and supporting this woman and understanding herself. Supporting this woman in finding herself again. It's self-delusion to think that we are the reason that this is happening. It is not. It is not the reason that this has happened. It's because we've been chosen to be the carrier for that level of transformation. But the transformation really happens when you realize that you are not the one that's killing the swanman. You're not the one that's saving this woman. There's no healer or healed. There is just the healing. So you have to, again, it's not something you hear men talk about between each other because most men buy into this idea that they're the ones that's fixing and elevating this woman's life. They're the one that's saving her. They're the one that's being everything for her. They're the rock. Again, these are principles and maxims that help men in their lives. But I'm speaking to their shadow of it because this is how men get burnt out. This is how men feel that there are nothing beyond their bank account, beyond their success, beyond their identity or role as protectors or providers. It's because we can get lost in the sauce. This is the sauce that all men get lost in. This idea that we can save people, that we can be their rescuers, that we can play God in a woman's life. You cannot save her. You cannot save her. You are not in that relationship to save her. The relationship is supposed to show you where you need to save yourself. That is the point of the relationship. She is as much of your savior as you have deluded yourself to think that you are hers. She is probably saving you as much as you think you're saving her. Maybe she's saving you from your arrogance. Maybe the relationship brings up all your insecurities and the things that you rather hide from yourself in the world. And by being in relationship with her, you get to look at these things for the first time. She's saving you from yourself, your own avoidance of your shit. So we have to humanize ourselves as men. We are not here to be anyone's Superman, to be anyone's Batman or their Spider-Man or their rescuer or white knight. We're not here to be that. We're here to be human, human beings. And that means that we confess our limitations. That that is not something that we're capable of doing. We're not capable of saving people. That's not something we're capable of doing. That's not something any human is capable of doing. Only God, only God, only love, only love. The spirit of love is what saves people from themselves. The spirit of love is what transforms people into new people. It is not you that's doing it. It's self-delusion and arrogance to think that the reason someone changed is because of you. It is not you. It's the spirit of love. It's the thing that's between you both. That's doing it. So it's very freeing. That's why I'm sharing this. It's very freeing. We're not only reclaim our humanity through this very brutal and uncomfortable truth. If you truly sit with what I'm telling you, you really sit with it. It will free you from something. You will find an inner freedom to be more of yourself, to confess your limitations, to set boundaries, to say no, to walk away from relationships, to walk away from draining and exhausting relationships with certain types of women. The only reason men are still entangled in these types of dynamics, despite the fact that this woman brings chaos, destruction, and just nothing but problems to that man's life, that he always has to patch up and fix. He always has to rescue her from something. The reason, despite the fact that it's exhausting and mentally draining, men stay in these relationships is because of what I'm speaking about. It's because the idea of being that person that is there for her, rescuing her, saving her, showing up for her is very seductive. It's very seductive to the male spirit. Women instinctively know this. They instinctively know this. Some know it. Consciously, some know they're doing it consciously. They play helpless. They play the role of the damsel, so you can be the one that steps up while they are not inclined to take any level of responsibility. For a woman that does not want to save herself, that is the perfect situation for her. That is a perfect situation. She has to take no ownership of her own choices, her emotions, her life, her decisions. You are taking all of that on, not just for yourself, but for her too. I mean, come on, if I'm someone that's not really interested in growing and developing myself, this is a perfect situation, and look at you. You're coming in with your cape, your armor, your sword, your shield, and you're coming in saying you're going to save me, and you really think you're the one that's saving me as well. It's a perfect situation. Now, this will burn you out, and you will resent her in the process. This is why it is actually not a good situation to find yourself. It's very hard to break out of this pattern because it's very ingrained into male psychology are way of relating and operating. Like I mentioned earlier, it is encouraged by all forms of media within our culture. My invitation is just to inquire. If there's anything that stuck or resonated, or even struck something in you throughout this message, inquire more deeply into what I'm talking about. Where are you attempting to save people? Where in your life are you not acknowledging your own limitations? What are you carrying that you need to finally let go of? The belief that you're somebody's hero, that you can be somebody's hero? I don't know. I don't know what this message brought up for you, but if there's anything that did stick or trigger you, sit with it, sit with that. That's everything I wanted to share for this episode today. If you have any feedback, anything that you took away from this episode, feel free to share it with me, DM me on Instagram, and I will see you on the next one. Have a great day and a great evening wherever you are in the world. Peace.