You Can't Build a New Life With Old Materials

Hey everybody, welcome to the Addiction Unlimited podcast where you get to learn everything you want to know about addiction and recovery. I'm your host, Angela Pugh, co-founder of Kansas City Recovery, Life Coach and Recovery in Alcoholic. To learn more about me, you can listen to episode zero on your podcast app or find us on the web at AddictionUnlimited.com. Hello my friend, welcome back to Addiction Unlimited. This is the podcast where we talk about the patterns underneath the drinking so you can actually stay sober. I'm your coach, Angela Pugh, thank you for spending time with me today listening to the pod. We spend a lot of time talking about how to stop drinking, how to get through cravings, how to handle triggers, how to not pick up, and that stuff matters, obviously. But there's this whole other question that comes right after. And it's the one that leaves people completely frozen and it's this, it's the, okay, I stopped drinking now what? Because I know this trips people up, especially in the early days. You think it requires some massive overhaul. You overthink it, blow it out of proportion and suddenly it feels so unattainable that you give up before you even really try, not because you don't want it, but because you don't know what to actually do. And we're fixing that today. And if this is your first time here, welcome, I'm so glad you found us. We have an incredible supportive, powerful, sober community and we would love to have you in our family. So what does a sober life actually look like? What do I do with my evenings? What do I do when everyone around me is drinking and I'm just standing there? What do I say yes to? What do I say no to? Who am I now? What do I like? What do I actually enjoy? How do I have fun? How do I relax? How do I handle stress and boredom and celebrations and grief? All the things I used alcohol for? Like what replaces all of that? Nobody hands you a blueprint. Well we kind of do. Nobody sits you down and says, here's how you build a life. You just stop drinking and then stare at the space where your old life used to be and have absolutely no idea what's supposed to go there. And I want to talk about why this happens. And more importantly, what to do about it because there isn't answer. It's just not the one that most people would expect. Here's what I see happen constantly and maybe you'll recognize yourself in this. Someone gets sober, genuinely sober, really committed and they stop drinking. That part is real. But everything else stays exactly the same. Same routines, same Friday night, same social circle, same ways of thinking about stress, about reward, about how to end the work day or survive the weekend. It's the same patterns, same habits, same ways of talking to themselves just without the alcohol. And it feels wrong. It feels hollow like something doesn't fit but they can't put their finger on what. And they start to wonder if sobriety is the problem. Maybe I'm just not a sober person. Maybe this isn't working. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. But they're not doing it wrong. They just remodeled the house and kept all the old furniture. You gutted the kitchen, put in new countertops, new floors, new everything and then moved all the same mismatched beat up doesn't even fit the space furniture right back in. And now you're standing in this gorgeous new kitchen wondering why it still feels like the old one. Maybe isn't just the absence of alcohol. sobriety is a completely different way of living. And if you don't actively build that new way of living, you will keep trying to run your new life on old patterns. And it will keep feeling like something is wrong because something is wrong. The furniture doesn't fit. So let me tell you what I did. And this is going to sound almost aggressive, which won't surprise you if you've been with me for a while because you know I'm not fucking around. I'm not beating around the bush trying to soften the language so it doesn't hurt. My conversations with myself are like, okay, dude, knock it off. This is dumb. Grow the fuck up. You know better. So do better. Stop fucking around like your name, mature and get this shit done. For some of you that may sound harsh, but this is my life. You understand? This isn't something to have asked and take a half-hearted approach to. This is about me getting relief, living better, finding happiness with a brain that constantly fights happiness. So we don't fuck around here. We're here to figure this out and feel better now. So here's what I did to get my shit together. When I got sober, I knew I didn't want my old life. I didn't want to be the person I was when I was drinking. I did not like her. I did not respect her. She couldn't cope with life. She made terrible decisions. She was horribly sad and insecure and broken and irresponsible. I disappointed myself on a daily basis in a million different ways. I did not want to be that person anymore. I didn't want to cleaned up version of my drunk life. I wanted to be different. I wanted a fresh start, blank slate to rebuild from scratch. So I had a filter and I ran everything through that filter. And the filter was simple. That's it. That was the whole filter. If the answer was yes, if it was something drunk me would have done, would have said, would have rationalized, would have chosen, then I did the exact opposite on purpose every single time. Now let me make this really concrete because I don't want this to sound like some abstract philosophy. Right? This was a practical daily deliberate practice and it touched everything. First, like where I went, my old self had her spots, right? The bar with the best drink specials are the cute bartender, the restaurant where the bartender knew my name and my order, barbecues and pool parties with those friends. Anywhere that really was just a cover story for drinking. I stopped going to those places, not because I was afraid of them, but because those places were part of an old identity that I was actively dismantling. The new me didn't go there. Also, like what I said yes and no to, my old self said yes to anything that involved drinking and no to basically everything that didn't. A Sunday morning hike? No, I was hungover and not getting up. A 7am workout class. Who does that? Anything that required me to show up clear, sharp, present, I had been quietly opting out of those things for years without even realizing it. So the new me started saying yes to those things and no to the things that pulled me backward. I've shared this story on the podcast before, you know, when I was just a week or two weeks sober, this woman in my meeting came up to me after the meeting and invited me to dinner with some other sober women for that night. My head was screaming no because this is not something I would ever do. First of all, I have terrible social anxiety, so I like to hide. Secondly, I'm an introvert, a group of strangers goes against who I am in my core, right? I want to go home and isolate with my dog some good food and bad TV. And this is the moment this filter was created because as she was inviting me and my head was screaming no, I knew in that very moment that I had to go to that dinner because I understood that how the old me did things would not carry me in this new life and this new version of me. I knew I had to be uncomfortable and do uncomfortable things to be successful in this because comfortable for me was drunk and I didn't want to be drunk anymore. So while my head was screaming hell no, I looked at her and smiled and I said yeah, I'd love to. And let me tell you, that doesn't mean it was fantastic and I had the time of my life and lived happily ever after. It was terrible. I sat in my car in the parking lot and cried for 20 minutes before I could even get the courage to walk in the restaurant. Everyone was at least 20 years older than me. I felt like a square peg in a round hole, and I only stayed maybe 30 minutes. But let me tell you something. It was one of the greatest victories of my early sobriety because I knew I did the right thing, and I knew I won that battle. And as I was walking to my car, tears streaming down my face again. I felt so powerful because I beat my alcoholism in a small, but mighty way by making that decision, by showing up and following through. I beat my anxiety that day in that small choice to do what the drunk me would never do. And that's how you build a version of yourself who stays sober. So quick, I want to talk to you about cozy earth, and I promise this is relevant to everything we just talked about. Part of building a new life is paying attention to how you feel. And I mean the small stuff, like how you sleep, how you move through your day, whether the things around you are actually working for you or just existing. That awareness is new for a lot of us in recovery. We spent years numbing out, and now we actually noticed things. cozy earth is one of those things I noticed. Everything they make is built with intention, real intention in the details. Their comfortors are incredibly soft, that cloud-like feel without the bulk or the heat. So you're actually resting instead of just lying there. And their essential socks. I know that sounds like a small thing, but you put them on once and you immediately wonder why all your other socks feel like sandpaper. There's four styles, they're cushioned just right, and genuinely I'm about to order more. But here's the thing. Hundred night sleep trial, ten year warranty, you're not taking any risk. Go to cozy earth.com, use my code Angela for up to 20% off, and if you get a post-purchase survey after you order, let them know you heard about it here. cozy earth.com code Angela. Okay, also how I talked to myself about hard things. This is another one I had to run through my filter, right? My old self was a champion rationalizer. I deserve this. I've had such a hard week, just this once. It's a special occasion. I know that voice intimately. I built my whole drinking career on that voice. And when I heard it start up, not only about drinking, but about anything, skipping the gym, procrastinating something hard, buying something I didn't need, I would stop and recognize it. That's the old voice, the old pattern, and then I would choose differently. Even small things, the gym's a great example. My old self did not go to the gym. My old self found twelve perfectly reasonable explanations for why today wasn't the right day to go to the gym. My old self was great at that. So the new me had a rule. If the old me would have skipped it, I go, that's it, non-negotiable. Not because I loved it, not because I was motivated, but because showing up there was an act of becoming someone different. This is what the identity makeover actually looks like. It's not glamorous. It's not a montage. It's a thousand small daily decisions where you catch yourself defaulting to the old pattern and you consciously choose differently. And here's what I want you to understand about why this works. Because it's not just behavioral. It's deeper than that. When you were drinking, you were building an identity. Whether you meant to or not, every choice you made, every pattern you reinforced, every time you chose the drink over something else. You were telling yourself a story about who you are. I'm someone who needs this to relax. I'm someone who doesn't do mornings. I'm someone who can't handle stress without a glass of wine. I'm someone who isn't fun sober. You built that identity over years and it's sticky. It doesn't disappear just because you stop drinking. It's still there. Those same beliefs, those same stories running in the background. Knowing every decision you make without you even noticing. The only way to change that identity is to build evidence against it. Not by thinking differently, by acting differently. Repeatedly, over time, until the evidence stacks up high enough that the old story can't hold anymore. Every time you go to the gym when the old you wouldn't, that's evidence. Every time you say notice something that belonged in the old life, that's evidence. Every time you show up, present, clear, intentional, that's evidence. You are literally building a new self, piece by piece, decision by decision. And I want to tell you something about the other side of this because this is important. There will be a moment and you won't see it coming, right? But there will be a moment where you realize that the new version of you isn't new anymore. It's just you. The filter you've been consciously running everything through becomes automatic. The choices that used to feel hard feel natural, the things that used to define the old you don't even occur to you as options anymore. That's not a moment you manufacture. You can't force it, but it comes. And when it does, it feels like coming home to a house that finally has the right furniture in it. You built this on purpose, one decision at a time. That's what a sober life looks like. Not a drunk life with the alcohol removed. A new life built from scratch by you. And if you're in that place right now, sober, but standing in a life that doesn't quite fit. You're wondering what comes next, not sure who you are or what you're building. I want you to know that's exactly where the work starts and you don't have to figure this out alone. I work with people one on one to do exactly this, to build the life that actually fits the person you're becoming, not just to stop drinking, but to get clear on who you want to be and start building toward that on purpose, with intention with a real plan. If that's what you need, talk to me. You can book a call at addictionunlimited.com/call. It's free. We'll talk about where you are, where you want to be, and whether working together makes sense. Maybe something else would make sense. I can steer you the right direction. Addictionunlimited.com/call. That link is always in the show notes. Here's what I want you to take away today. You're not trying to fix the old you. You're building someone new, and that means you don't get to use the old blueprints. The old routines, the old reasoning, the old version of what a Friday night looks like or how you handle a hard week, that's the furniture that doesn't fit anymore. You have to be willing to leave that shit at the curb. Not because there was nothing good in you before, but because that version of you was built around something you're walking away from, and you can't build a new life with old materials. The filter is simple. Is that what the old me would do? If yes, do the opposite. Do it when it's uncomfortable. Do it when your head is screaming no. Do it especially then. Because the discomfort is the whole point. That's where the new version of you is. Every small decision that goes against the old pattern is a vote for who you're becoming, and those votes add up faster than you think. You don't have to have it all figured out. You don't have to know exactly who you're becoming or what your sober life is supposed to look like. You just have to be willing to stop letting the old you make the decisions. Just start there. Run everything through the filter and trust that the person you're building, one uncomfortable, deliberate old me would never do this decision at a time is worth every single bit of work. And it gets really fun. And your life will look like something you never could have imagined. That's what sucks to you about standing at the beginning, trying to figure out what your whole life is going to look like, because your thinking is so different at the beginning. We change and grow and evolve so fast in this process that like your thinking is so small in the beginning, there's no way it can fit what your life can become. So just loosen the reins a little bit, use the filter and start putting that new version of you together and building that internal strength and trusting yourself. It's the most empowering thing I've ever experienced. And I want you to have that same experience. And if you want some guidance with that, like I said, book a call, addiction on limited.com forward slash call. I love you guys. I hope you're having a fantastic day and I will see you next week. You've reached the end of another great episode of the Addiction Unlimited Podcast, candid and honest conversation about addiction and recovery. Be sure to visit us at AddictionUnlimited.com to join the conversation and access show notes and links to everything we talked about. Love this episode? Please take 30 seconds to subscribe, rate, and review on iTunes to help us improve and give you the information you want. Thanks for listening. See you next week. [Music]