Speaker 1I like to jump right into it so I don't like to wait around let's uh why don't you tell us about your last 30 days of drinking and using and then bring us to your last day drinking and using
Speaker 2I mean it's all such like it's a long time ago it's uh my last 30 days I remember just being volatile and if I wasn't getting high or if I wasn't thinking about getting high I was an asshole I was I was I would rip your head off not even questions no questions asked and I remember just shit starting to spiral and go out of control and and I was just constantly trying to use constantly trying to use and trying to get high trying to get high and I just couldn't I couldn't like cope and I was using drugs as a way to cope to like try to bring me down to reality and the you know the issue was I was so immune to being high that I wasn't getting high anymore so I was just like I I peaked and then once you hit that peak you're trying to chase that aka first high and I remember the the basically the last 30 days being just I lost my job I was fighting with my girlfriend at the time in Waterloo non-stop non-stop like and like the fights were escalating to the point where it was gonna get like physical and I was gonna get up in a shitty holding cell in the middle of winter and I remember the last fight that we had was on Christmas Day and I tried to get high and I couldn't and I couldn't I was just trying to get high and consuming and consuming and consuming and I as like as it was I remember either I blacked out or I just greened out or and the next thing I know I'm I'm I'm back in Toronto living with my mom and that's when I was still using at the time and I was I was still trying to get high I remember driving to like that's all it was was me just trying to get high all the time trying to chase that first high and it was it wasn't even enjoyable anymore so it was just it was like 30 days of pure hell and all I wanted to do was try to get high and I wasn't getting high I wasn't able to and then was what did you do what was your drug of choice weed marijuana this is good I love talking about this one this is right because the the where the honestly and I'm gonna say this is if Lee we lead if weed was legal then I don't think I'd be sitting in this room right now because it's so readily available it's in the corners you know at the corner it's across here there's weed everywhere now and it back then before before these stores were around it was like you know you had to meet up with your dealer and then like make sure you you know you had the money and like now it's just it's so readily available and the dealers were only taking cash at the time you don't go to a dealer's house and tap your debit card right so it was like you got to make sure you had the cash and it's like yeah and and and you know not to die rail here but I I don't think people realize that you can get addicted to marijuana you can and and you can hit that Peak where it's like you're not high anymore your your worlds have collided you are living in a high normal high sober world if that makes sense where it's like it's just all one you don't know if you're high and you don't know if you're sober and it was just yeah weed was my drug of choice good I I'm happy um we can talk about this
Speaker 1today because I think to your point yeah people think it's harmless it's not addictive it's not gonna bring me down I was talking to a guy the other day getting him into treatment and uh his drug of choice was was weed he had problems with the law he was forced to go into treatment through um through his through the courts and his life was you know he was homeless for a long time a lot of people you'll see nowadays too that the drinking statistics are down people are drinking less overall so the and this is in the U.S and in Canada but people are the people that are drinking are drinking more but overall people are drinking less yeah what do you what do you think they're doing instead right marijuana there's a lot of kids that are only and I use that in quotations smoking weed and it's there's now we're starting to see all these other things that are coming out the problems as a result um so tell me about uh your your last day using and what sort of pushed you into recovery and sobriety
Speaker 2my last day I remember it was a horrendous ice storm and I remember I know I had weed in my apartment back in Waterloo I'd already lived back in Toronto and I was like fuck it I'm driving and I made up some stupid excuse to my mom it's like oh I need my beard trimmer and she looked at me like son are you that your fucking mind like look at it out there there's three inches of ice on the ground I'm like no I'm gone so this is important right so I fucking I hop in my truck and I'm man I'm like slipping and sliding driving down the 401 I'm like there's no traction on my truck I'm just I finally get there and I go there and there's no fucking weed I I guess I was blurry and I thought and I remember being in my apartment and I'm like picking on the carpet trying to find fucking the last little granules of fucking weed to get high and I finally I thought I got enough the next thing I know I'm smoking fucking like lint like what the fuck happened to me and I guess I I hit too hard with what was whatever was in it and I remember I'm like okay I gotta go to the washroom and I just blacked out and I passed out half into the fucking toilet I smashed my ribs I must have I didn't think I cracked anything but I'm just passed out in this toilet bowl and I'm like if I would have landed 30 in 30 centimeters farther I would probably not be here right now because nobody had access to my apartment so then I drive back and my mom's like oh so where's your um where's your beard trimmer I'm like oh yeah I was broken I threw it out so she knew that the that the gig was up and then how it was that it came to realize that I called my uncle who has numerous years of and the guy the big book should be named after him with how much fucking knowledge he like it's it's mind-blowing he's like yoda when you talk to him about the big book and I said to him I said so how did you know that you had a problem doing like you were addicted to drugs and he said that when you're not using when you're not consuming when you're not thinking about it who are you as a person are you an asshole and I said I'm a fucking piece of shit he goes yeah there's your fucking answer there's no way you're going to be able to do that there's no way you're going to be able to do that there's no sugar cookie cookie with him it's like this is it you are addicted to marijuana
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Speaker 2alarm license information tennessee 2012 and he goes you got to take all your shit and flush it and I just remember trying to find the shit in the house and it was like this this fucking you know trying to find a mouse finder trying to find cheese in the maze so I'm looking in the basement I'm like oh fuck I found half a nug I'm like trying to fucking pack it up and get ready to smoke and next thing I know I'm again I'm smoking fucking like cat hair and fucking just whatever I could get my fucking hands on it was like so bad and then I ended up flushing it and then that was it I started to it took probably a week to detox from weed and I put my parents to fucking hell like just absolute shit on a stick deep fried in the oven like just garbage I remember putting my mom was terrified she was like no I'm mortgaging the house you're going to rehab I'm like fuck rehab no I'm gonna fucking kill myself in this house like this is fucking it I remember hopping in my truck just driving 80 in a 40 just fucking I don't even know what I was doing and then after that like it's life started to like you're still on that pink cloud like stuff started to get a little more enjoyable but I just the fucking garbage I put my parents to it like I can't thank them enough I can't thank them enough I can't thank them enough for like sticking by me I know I'm like all over the place with this but like it's just if it wasn't for them like I don't I don't fucking know I probably would be in jail I probably would have went and like broke into somebody's house to steal get like I had the money the money wasn't the issue it was just like I assumed everybody had weed and I you know when I moved back to Toronto I was like reaching out to old dealers and it was a fucking nightmare I'm like this is a sign from the higher power of god whoever like if you can't get it this easily it's not for you anymore and again I got tired of rebuilding my life it was this vicious cycle of every two years my life would crumble and then I rebuild it I'm like fuck this is good and drugs were always there and then I rebuild my my life would crumble and then I'd rebuild it and then drugs were always there and it's like What the fuck is the common denominator here? And it's like, drugs are always there. What happens if you remove drugs? I'm like, there's no fucking way. No, no drugs. Me and drugs are like two peas in a pod, man. I'm all over the place. Oh, you're good. You're good. And it was, it was like, you got to fucking try this. You got to tighten your belt up. You got to man the fuck up for, for once in your life and try to live a life without drugs and see what the fuck happens. If it doesn't happen within two weeks where you think, hey, this is not bad, then, then go back, go back, right? Live that fucking life if you want. And, you know, I remember two weeks I applied for a job and it was like my dream job. As we were saying earlier, I was like, fuck, this is it. Like, this is my dream job. And I'm, I'm, I'm sober where I haven't used in two or three weeks, but I'm still, I was piss testing myself and there's still absurd amounts of THC in my system. So it's like, and then I'm sorry, beating myself up. I'm like, am I sober? And we're not. And it's like, I'm still pissing dirty. But then I got this fucking job. I'm like, this is a sign. Do not do drugs any fucking more. You have gotten God or the higher power or whoever has come and given you this golden ticket. And I remember, you know, I remember I'm still detoxing at the time, even though it's like a week and a half, two weeks now. And it's like minus 35 down at the stadium. And I'm sweating. Like I have just run. I'm a half marathon and I'm just Jonesy. I'm smoking cigarette after cigarette after cigarette. I'm just like nonstop. And I'm like, this is fucked up. Is this real right now? Like somebody kicked me out. This is can't be real life right now. And then I'm battling myself. Like, no, you got to see this through. You got to see this through. You're in the trenches. You got to fight through this. Like, this is. So I ended up getting the job and, you know, I bought in. I bought into the system. I went to a meeting, you know, even. Prior to getting the job, my first meeting was out in Barry to Freedom Friday. Hi, everybody. If you listen. And I met some cool people. I met some really fucking cool people. And they were just, you know, good people. Obviously, my uncle was there. Hi, Uncle Phil. And it was it was an eye opener. I was like, fuck, I'm not the only piece of shit in this world that likes drugs. Like, it's like, fuck. And you see some of these people and some of these people are well put together. And I'm not trying to bash anyone. And I'm not saying that I'm not the only piece of shit in this world that likes drugs. But like, then you get the people that are in the trenches still and they're fighting the fucking war, the war that anybody outside this room doesn't get like this war where it's not even, you know, now with how much sobriety time. I'm not trying to be arrogant, but how much sobriety time is I feel like the war on drugs with me has gone away. It's the war on self now. It's like I still have these like I'm a piece of shit. I'm incompetent. Can't do this. Can't do that. I'm not good at this. What the fuck? What is wrong with me? You just sit there and you beat yourself up. And that's the war that will continue for the rest of my days that nobody will ever understand. I mean, people have issues with themselves. I get that. But it's like it's not amplified as it is when you're an addict. It's like it's constant. You could walk in. You could be a perfect person and you will find the flaw in your body. I'm all over this. No, dude.
Speaker 1You said a lot of good things there. I think I first I like what your uncle said about when you're not high. Who are you? Like, how are you living? Do you are you are you OK in your own skin? Essentially, what are you saying? And I've never heard it said quite like that, but it's true. It's like when I'm not high. What what kind of person am I? Are people enjoying my company? Am I bringing joy to situations or are people walking in on eggshells around me? Are they scared of what I'm going to do next? Or am I just in my head all day? Right. What I want to know, what what did we do? Are you like what was the what was the solution that it provided for you?
Speaker 2So it started off like when I was growing up, I was like bullied in school class clown. I fit all those like generic stereotypes that were out there. And it's like I was very anti drug. And, you know, I remember my final year of high school. People thought I was undercover cop straight and fucking narrow. I was I was like they were terrified to even mention weed around me. I was just like, guys, I'm not fucking undercover. I'm I'm I'm almost 20 years old. I'm ready to graduate fucking high school and move on with my life. I mean, fuck, I was buying alcohol for the kids, but maybe edit that out. But, you know, it was it was like then all of a sudden I got introduced to a social circle. And I was like, oh, yeah, try this. I'm fucking had a little toke. And I was like, fuck, this is great. Like, I'm fucking, you know, I felt like I was I could be social. I could be comfortable. I could be outside of my own skin. I could be, you know, people were like, everybody likes me. And I'm not like doing something stupid in class. I'm not, you know, mooning the teacher, you know, throwing fart bombs in a classroom. Like, it's it it opened up the social circle. And then it was like, you know, weed was there. Everything was good. You know, going for barbecue, smoking some weed, going to clubs, smoke some weed, you know, rave, do some weed, you know, all that stuff. And it was social. I was like, fuck, I have friends. But unbeknownst to me that it was a friendship built on drugs. And it was and it got to that point where I was like, I just wanted to be high all the time. And it wasn't like social anymore. It was just like, I want to go in my mom's basement and fucking smoke up. I want to sit in the backyard by myself and smoke up, play some video games, smoke up by myself. There wasn't the social aspect was gone. And again, if I wasn't getting high, I was a fucking asshole. I, you know, you think I would have clicked in then. But it was just like, if I'm not doing drugs, I'm an asshole. And and again, like it made me something. I never got to experience as a child is to be social, have some friends. I had nothing growing up in elementary school, high school, nothing. Friday nights, I was at home playing video games. Now that sounds like a fucking perfect night in for me. But right. Like, it's like, oh, I don't have to go out. Fuck. All right. You know, sit in my boxers, play some video games. But like, you know, even even now, like I still battle myself. Like I live in isolation. I live with my my girlfriend, wife. I don't even know. The technical term is at this point. But I just like to be in my basement by myself in the house. Like it's it's fucked up and I can't get out to like go and spend some time with her. It fucking sucks. It's like we have this beautiful house that we bought. And all I want to do is sit in the fucking basement and play video games. And it's fucked because it's it's such a comfort zone because it's like it isolates me from the world. But then that isolation now starts to affect her because it's like, hey, you don't fucking love me anymore. You don't want to spend time with me. But it's like this is my fucking happy place. And it's like this battle, you know, this is this battle going on.
Speaker 1So I appreciate you bringing that up because I've been struggling with that lately, too, is the isolation piece. Yeah. What do you think? And this is like, you know, I think about this a lot. From my perspective, it feels as though it's like going to the gym or doing anything when you do it more. It's easier to do. Right. Because and so because I'm in the same place as you. I would rather on most days, most nights stay in and watch Netflix or watch a movie or hang out with my wife at home. Then go out to a restaurant. And it's a battle. I agree with you 100 percent. So what do you think isolation is like? Why is it so tough to get out of? I guess.
Speaker 2I think there's that aspect where it's like if you're not aspect, but like it just it's with. Because it's raw. It's like if I'm not around anybody, there's less chances of me being that volatile person. Right. So it's like if there's less interaction, there's less problems. So you. That's what it is for me. Anyways, it's like if I don't, you know, spend time with my wife, there's less chances of fighting. But now with fucking text messaging, we're bound to fight over a text message. But it's just it's just it's it's just safe. You know, isolation to me is safe. It's like. I put on my gaming headset. It's like, you know what? I can talk shit to some 16 year old kid in Florida and make him feel like absolute fucking garbage. And you just got beat up by a 40 year old who's been touching grass for the last, you know, 10 years. And you're a basement dweller. I don't even know where I'm going with that. But it's like that's that's my happy place. There's no repercussions. Now, I got to be clean with it because I might get my account banned. But it's just it makes me feel good to, you know, it's just it escaped. It's reality escape. And I you know what? There's a part of me. I think, fuck, have I become addicted to video games? It's but it's it's just safe. You know, there's there's no harm, but there's harm because it's like now I'm isolating from my wife. I'm isolating from, you know, house responsibilities where it's just like I want to come home after taking the dog out, eat breakfast, go to the gym, go to work, come home, play video games. That's it. I don't want to fucking if you tell me you got to put this pen over there. Holy fucking shit. Here we go. It's like I've created this. But. But at the same time, again, it's a double edged sword. This routine that I have, the structure has kept me where I am today. Right. Like it's it's structure has kept me sober for so long, like getting up and going to work, getting up and, you know, eating and taking care of stuff. That's what kept me sober for so long. It's that structure. It's like work has has always been there and been a structure. Now, I mean. It's obviously taken its turns and bumps and ups and downs, but it's just. Yeah. You go back to the isolation thing, and it's just... And it's just safe to be alone, because I know who I am. I will rip a strip off of you, no questions asked, fight dirty, throw mud, throw salt. But if I'm in isolation, I can't do that. There's limited opportunity, so that's why isolation, it's a safe place. And it's not comfortable, and it's not good to be in isolation. Like, I'm not a hermit, I'm not going to sit there and hide under the blankets. Like, I'll go out once in a while with my wife, we went out to go see a movie last week. And, you know, we went out for dinner just before that. Like, I'll do shit, but at the same time, it's like, I don't fucking want to do this. I just want to be in this fucking basement.
Speaker 1Yeah, it's tough, man. I get it. There's the balance between being a social human being. It's important, like, to anyone. I don't care who you are. We all need that sort of social aspect in our lives. Obviously, you know, you could, you do cultivate it in the video game aspect. If you have friends that you play with, I used to do that. One of the reasons I don't touch video games anymore is because, yeah, I'm worried that I'll just, like, go all out with it. And, again, not that there's anything wrong with it, because it's brought you to where you are today. Finding that balance is extremely difficult. I had my, you know, my therapist told me one time that when I used to do therapy and could afford it, she would tell me that it's leaving a comfortable place to go to an uncomfortable environment. There's a lot of unknowns once you leave your house. And you could say, yeah, we have these plans to go and do this, this, and that. But in my head, it's like, yeah, there's so many different unknowns when I could just stay here and I know what's going to happen. I know what's going to happen.
Speaker 2You're the narrator in your own fucking story, yeah.
Speaker 1Double-edged sword, like you said.
Speaker 2Incredibly double-edged.
Speaker 1So those early days, bring me back to those early days of getting sober. What were some things that worked for you that helped you get to eight years?
Speaker 2Work. Just getting up and going to work. My mom was terribly sick. At the time, and I was, you know, go to work, come home, take care of her. And that was pretty much it. I was just focused in on work. I got addicted to work. There was nothing else. There was no drugs. There was no friends. There was minimal video games at the time. And it was just, I got addicted to work. And I just kept working and working. And next thing you know, I'm like, holy fuck, six months. Holy shit, a year? And I just continued to work. That was it. So that's what, it wasn't enjoyable. You know, I wish I could go out and, you know, smoke a couple joints. Pound a few beers back. But you know what it's like with addicts. It's never one. One becomes 100 real fucking fast. So it was just, yeah, you know, that's what it was like. It was just, I got focused in on work.
Speaker 1Routine.
Speaker 2That was it. I just tried to distract. I don't know if you consider it a healthy distraction working. Because, again, when we're addicts, you can get addicted to fucking anything. You can get addicted to twiddling your pen. Like, we're so fucked up as people that we can get addicted to anything. So, yeah. I mean, that's what it was like. It was just work.
Speaker 1Was the alcohol part of it hard for you?
Speaker 2I didn't really consume much alcohol. Because I was always like, I always thought alcohol was just like empty calories. So I hated drinking. But when I was getting high, it used to be moonshine. My mom was giving me moonshine that she got from the church. It was like 120 proof. And I would fucking smash it. And I was just, you know, alcohol wasn't like the big thing. It was always weed. It was always like drugs. Because it was just, it was vastly, there was something about it that got me. It made me feel comfortable in my own skin. I think that's what it boils down to. And it was, you know, that's why now, like at home, there's alcohol all over the house. My wife has a huge wine rack. And it's like, I don't touch it. I cook with wine. I used to be left alone in my condo before we bought the house with wine. Just sitting there. And I was, I didn't look. I'm like, you know what? Just a little swig. Alcohol was never, thank goodness. You know, I won't be arrogant. But it was like, just think. Because, again. Again, alcohol now is fucking readily available. Gas stations, grocery stores, it's everywhere. We've just created this easy, accessible problem that's going to spiral.
Speaker 1Yeah. Were, was it hard when weed was legalized for you? I always wondered that with people that had problems with. No. Like, if you had problems before it got legalized and then when it got legalized.
Speaker 2Because it was, when did it get legalized?
Speaker 1Like 17, was it?
Speaker 217, yeah. So I went sober. Because I was two years sober at that time. It was 2017. But the dispenser. The dispensaries and the availability didn't happen until I think 2018, 2019, something like that. So it, I had some sobriety under my belt. I had some knowledge. I had, you know, had a little bit of a support system through the rooms and, you know, family members and loved ones. But it, it wasn't like I, oh, I'm going to go pick up. It wasn't, you know, it wasn't like that. I, again, I don't know if it was because I had some time, clean time or, or what it was. It just, I felt like the obsession. The obsession had been removed for whatever fucking reason. I hadn't even gone through the book at this time with two years. Like it took me a while to finally go through the book. And I don't know. Yeah. I don't, again, I don't think I'd be here right now if weed was how readily available it is now.
Speaker 1Like back then. Yeah. Yeah. Cause it's such an easy argument too, for kids to say to, to their parents or their wives or anyone. It's like, it's not, it's legal. Right. Like how do you, how do you argue against that?
Speaker 2It's natural.
Speaker 1Yeah. It's tough. And the other thing too. And the other thing too is with the pens and stuff in the, like in my relapse, I was at a point, I never really, weed was never really my thing at much. Like I like stimulants, but weed for me, it made me very paranoid. Like very, it was very loud in my head and cocaine made my head quieter at first until it doesn't. But I think we were seeking the same thing where it's that connection and everyone's different. You know, that's why there's alcoholics and that's why there's addicts. And for me too, I had that thing with alcohol where I was like, I don't know. I was like, eh, it was there when I was using, sometimes it wasn't, sometimes it was, but I never found myself craving a gin, gin and whatever, or, or a drink. I never was like salivating over that. I have more in early sobriety. I was thinking about doing bumps. Like that was my, my thing. Right. And so, um, I think when my point with all that, with this story was when we became legal and I was in my relapse, I was in like a fuck it. I started doing everything. Cause I'm like, Oh my God. I'm already, there's no point. And that's why I tell people all the time, like if you can avoid picking up the first one of anything, just do it because you don't know where you're going to go, man. I had no, like, I never, like I said to you before, I never enjoyed weed. And there I was smoking pens and like way too, it was way too much.
Speaker 2Yeah. It's not even like back then, like even edibles, if you wanted to get edibles, it was like some, somebody's uncle and brother. In their bathtub. Yeah. They made, they, oh, they made weed cookies. And I'm like, oh fuck, you're taking weed. Now you're going to the, you're going to. One of these dispensaries and there's gummy bears or Skittles, there's drinks. There's, there's the world's your oyster. There's weed, peanut butter. It's just, it's so you don't even have to smoke it anymore to get high. It's, it's in food form. It's, it's wild.
Speaker 1So, I mean, what do you sort of do? Like, I appreciate you opening up about the isolation thing. Cause I always ask people and you answered it for me is like, what are you working on today? Because when I meet people in recovery or in sobriety, that's a, you know, my life is really great. I don't, and they don't talk about their unmanageabilities. I'm like, why don't lie, man? Like this is, everyone has unmanageabilities, no matter if you're 35 years or if you're 35 days.
Speaker 2Right. I'm always trying to work on myself as best I can. Like, I know, like, you know, my wife and girlfriend, wife, we're having issues, like we have issues, like we fight, like, you know, it's, but it's, I'm always trying to better myself. Like either it's physically right now or physically. If it's mentally, I'm always trying to better myself. And it's, it's not fucking easy. It is not easy. Like it's, it's for me right now, it's easier to be, uh, to physically change myself than it is mentally. If that makes any sense. So it's like you can do physically is always easier because you can physically do something mentally. It's like, you don't know what, how you, how you can change yourself. You know, I should probably go back to a meeting. And, and talk to people, but it's just like, yeah, I don't know. You know, I'm just, it's a battle every day. I, you know, I was told early on, like, get up every day out of bed and make your fucking bed. Cause if you do that and you can turn around and say, at least I accomplished that today. And I do, I make my bed every, I make the bed every morning. So, you know, it's just, I, I try to, I battle myself every day. I try to be a good person every day. And some days it's the fuck. Fucking battles lost the battle so far lost. Like, and I, and I spiral and I beat myself up and it's like, I'm garbage. I was like, why am I breathing right now? Like what the fuck's wrong with me? So yeah, there's just, yeah, there's no real one thing I'm trying to better myself on. I'm trying to be more, you know, supportive of my wife, but it's like, I'm battling myself now and she doesn't know these battles that happen. Like these battles, like it's, I hate that, you know, that these battles are happening again and they're not, you know, they're not a battle that there's an end in sight. Like they'll, they'll, they'll keep happening. It'll, it'll, it could go on for two days. It could go on for six months.
Speaker 1It's hard to talk about that shit too, as, as men, especially because my brain will always tell me like, oh, there's, you know, don't, don't, don't talk about this. There's no solution to it anyways. And you don't want to sound like you're complaining too, right? Like, it's like, I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. Meanwhile, I'll complain about something else, but when it comes to those sort of things, it's like, I think. as men we're supposed to be have it all figured out or at least that's the way my my brain tells me that it that it is you know you go to work you rub some dirt on it that's what the way i was raised and you just move on you
Speaker 2don't you know we don't really talk about mental health we become a society like it's you know you look at our parents that there was there was mental health wasn't a fucking thing back then there was no mental health it's like you you get up and you go there's you either go or you don't go and you just that was it like i remember my dad telling me he goes mental health was not a thing like there was no struggle like you didn't admit that you had a problem like you just
Speaker 1you just fucking kept going and you follow the rules yep and if you didn't follow the rules
Speaker 2there was consequences that was it and it was you know there's not like hey you know what something isn't right with me no it was yeah that and it sucks you know what i mean because as men like we're not we're supposed to be like this strong warrior force where it's like nothing bothers us but you know we are look when we struggle we struggle hard and people don't realize how hard it is how much we're our own worst enemy just to basically sum that up like we'll we'll beat ourselves up no matter what we could have won a million dollars and it's like you know what why not a million
Speaker 1and one what the fuck's wrong with you yeah one of the things that you know talking about childhood one of the things i had a good upbringing you know i have there's no you could look at my upbringing on paper and be like why did you get into drugs like there was no reason right so it's like everything i had everything i wanted we weren't you know rich by any means but i had what i needed um i learned how to lie when i was younger i don't know about your upbringing but for me it was like my consequences were always it felt like they were always harsher than other people and i'm talking about physically or anything like that but i would get you know things taken away from me i would get consequences as a kid my friends always seemed to be able to do more than me uh when we were younger and so like i learned how to lie and spin a story and skirt around the truth and get out of things and that kept on into my addiction as i was using my so you create this sort of double life in your addiction where it's like this is the high me version of me and then this is the good
Speaker 2stage character version of me yeah no i was the same way i was raised in a in a good house like phenomenal house my mother took and my grandmother took amazing care of me my parents separated when i was in grade three i was raised in a good house i was raised in a good house i was raised in a good my dad was always in the picture they they divorced amicably you know and my dad was every weekend i was at my dad you know my parents are some of the fucking best parents on earth like it i can't thank them enough and it like breaks my heart that i you know i'm like how do i thank these people for what they've done for me in all these years you know i'm not gonna fucking cry right now but like what the fuck it's like you know and i still there's days where i treat them shit and i'm like what the fuck is wrong with you my mom would give you your shirt her shirt off your fucking back if you didn't have and here i am freaking out at her i'm screaming at my dad because i'm like what the fuck is wrong with you and this is the addict that still says hey you're not fucking out of this yet you know and my parents gave me whatever i wanted but there was something in me when i was a child that i was just always angry like i don't know if it was like i didn't have friends or what it was but it was like i was just always angry about everything and then you know i didn't like my i remember when i was in grade seven or eight like everybody's going out to like a house party i never got fucking invited i was like just crushed inside but it was like you know and my grandma sees me and she goes what's wrong with you i'm like how do you explain this to them like how do you explain it to you know a immigrant from greece that doesn't barely spoke english it's like uh she goes oh okay who cares i make you food and she she hears this fucking massive plate of food right and i just and that's why i started to struggle with like wait i was in grade nine like i was fucking this fat ass greek kid that everybody called but it was like home was so comforting it was just so comforting i don't even know where i'm going with this again
Speaker 1i'm just well i mean it leads into the possibilities of uh why isolation feels so good too right yeah having a home base where nobody could attack you you're safe yeah um
Speaker 2how'd you lose all that weight so i started with dr bernstein and i went to that and then i was starting to get more active i was starting to play some baseball i ended up losing well over 100 pounds doing that cost my mom an absolute fortune and i'd always battled with self-image right like it was it was in that time dad bod wasn't a fucking thing back then right like now i was like where was that i would have been don suave in school you know i would have been mac and all kinds of girls but it was like it wasn't a thing it was just fucking fat ass in the lunchroom you know what i mean and i did that and then my weight was always a massive issue for me growing up like even in college i was always struggling for weight gaining weight losing weight gaining weight like it was there was never a healthy norm and it sucks because it's like that's there's that attic kicking in it's like you're either all in or you're you're you're not you know and that's how i did it it taught me a lot like about how to eat and like structure your meals and eat properly and what choices i mean kids they don't know how easy they have it with ai you just go in there and like here's your meal plan for the week here's your macros here's this here's that
Speaker 1back then it was like there was no nutrition labels even yeah there was like it's crazy where
Speaker 2the world's gone but you know and i got to the point where i was starting to hit my max again at 300 pounds i was like fuck this is crazy like my parents are starting to barely fit my and my wife is like i'm not going to be able to do this i'm not going to be able to do this i'm not going to be able to do this oh i love you the way you are and i'm like are you fucking kidding me i look like a fucking potato you know like i'm i'm a jiggling mass of sexuality like i'm i'm disgusting right now she's like no i love this this is man i'm like are you fucking kidding me right now like i feel repulsive so then you know i and then again i battled myself it's it's you said it before about the something about your first time it always becomes easy i remember like oh i'm not going to the gym no i'm not going back to the gym this is gonna and i said fuck it i'm gonna go and i went and now it's like it's the fucking best feeling in the world it's like going to the gym that's the only place i have confidence in my life right now is at the fucking gym right like it's just i'm in control here right this i'm in control and that's it there's nobody else to blame it's like you either lift the heavy ass fucking weight or you don't you're the one that's in control here it's like obviously there's other shit that goes hand in hand with like starting to like slowly lock in on my diet right now i'm down over 23 pounds since i fucking started so you know i'm lifting incredibly heavy weights like i'm like a 40 year old fucking man going to the gym lifting this heavy ass weight i'm not competing you know there's no broccoli head that i'm competing against right you know what i mean like it's that those memes crack me up when you
Speaker 1see that fucking shit because it's true you should go to the u.s there's way more of them
Speaker 2wild you get the broccoli heads and it's just like i can't eagle lifts when i'm 40 years old because you know what's going to happen i'm going to be eagling myself back to the fucking hospital with a herniated disc so it's like it's enjoyable now you know it's it's it's it's so much more enjoyable just that's i mean how i lost the
Speaker 1weight again dr bernstein to go back so but you went back up to 300 pounds i got pretty fucking
Speaker 2close i think my highest was just before i started back cutting weight um it was about 285 290 so it after there was a stretch where i was playing baseball pretty competitively i started to hit the gym pretty hard so there was that lean mass some i told somebody i'm like i'm 290 pounds like are you fucking kidding me there's no there's no way you're 300 because when you say that way people just think my 600 pound life tlc falling off the back that's pretty true yeah right like it's kind of your first yeah that's where you go you say oh this person is 300 pounds and you look at them like you're not fucking 300 pounds thank god i was at least somewhat tall but yeah it's uh
Speaker 1yeah would you say that you were ever addicted to food too like absolutely yeah absolutely and
Speaker 2that's where weed came in it's like i'd get fucking blasted to the moon and i'd drive high to walmart and i'd get a fucking all they were selling krispy kreme donuts at the time and i'd fucking i'd sit in my truck eating 24 dozen 24 donuts and then i'd go across no throws and i'd get fucking a couple nice steaks and i i must have eaten like 3 000 calories when i was high every single day yeah it was wild yeah it's it's interesting too because
Speaker 1i've i've met a lot of people that have have had weed addictions that find that it eventually flips on them and they they eat less when they're high yeah like i don't know i was the same when i was
Speaker 2like at that point in my addiction where i wasn't getting high anymore like there was no like whoa everything's funny i was it was either it was all the same and i did i i basically wouldn't eat i i'd go 12 12 hours at work physical labor not eating these guys what the fuck's wrong with you like like this guy's a junkie they thought i was shooting up and coming to work like jonesing out on meth and i didn't eat and then when i go home i get high and fucking open the fridge and i clear it out and that food was all food was always safe i was raised like that through my grandmother that food was always safe no matter where you were in life if you had food you were good and that was it it was this food was always it's very comforting you can get addicted to food yeah absolutely i i agree 100 we've i mean there's over either over eaters anonymous now right like it's yeah there's lots of programs
Speaker 1for that and uh that also follows 12 steps too yeah um what were some of the other i guess consequences of of your weed addiction like was there did you were you getting into that schizophrenic or or did you ever get into the throwing up thing i forget the name of it bulimia no there's that new uh consequence of abusing marijuana greening out but it's like it you're constantly throwing up it's it's a did you ever have any what were what were some of your consequences anger i used to be as after you
Speaker 2would smoke weed or would it calm you down um it was like in that period where i had gotten high but then i was kind of like in the middle before i needed to get high again to like keep that that wave going i had horrendous issues with the law like horrendous to the point where it's like i was working at the time they came up behind me and they handcuffed me because i had uttered death threats to my ex-girlfriend at the time like here i am sitting in the call center and fucking three cops the size of you know the eiffel tower grabbed me manhandled me and thrown me in the back of a cruiser showed up to your work yeah yeah and i was like how the fuck like somehow they found out where i was yeah i had numerous like anger was always the thing that was always there when i was either not getting high or getting high angry all the time and did you have to like
Speaker 1follow up those consequences when you got sober or was it kind of
Speaker 2no i was still actively using but the it i still had to face them yeah like they came back because they go on for a while yeah it's you know it was like a year and a half two years i remember being under horrible house arrest like they wouldn't even let me leave for work it was fucking awful but yeah i was still getting high at the time it was you know we drugs were always there no matter what drugs were always available it was like food it was always there somehow i was able to get weed
Speaker 1what do you um let's end with this what what do you say to the person that says oh i'm just smoking weed it's not that big of a deal but they might have a problem or
Speaker 2that is a good one i don't even know how to answer that i mean this if you can stop with just one then good for you i i'll fucking shake your hand i'll buy you a steak dinner because that's not for me but people that are starting to have that issue where they need it to get through the day i want to say enjoy it but that sounds pretty sadistic but it's just it stopped being fun a long time ago i i don't know how to answer it like it's a really it's a really tough thing what to say to them like it's just i don't want to be negative and say you know what eventually your fun's going to run out like it's it's you're using it as a coping mechanism like it's it's you're going to hit that where you're not fucking high anymore it's like you can't working yeah it stops working it stops being fun like it's not social
Speaker 1anymore it's not you know yeah and like alcohol you'll see people go on for a majority of their lives not doing anything about it because hitting that bottom might not be as as an
Speaker 2immeasurable thing yeah you can't say to someone hey this is your rock bottom right here yeah some people will fall down that cliff it's like the grand canyon they'll just keep falling and stop but then they'll fall again like there's there's no when people say how do you know that was it it's like you can't measure it it's just you know there's some sort of divine intervention maybe that it's like this is it this is your end like if you continue you will die it's that that's how it was to me there was no signs it was just like again it goes back to my apartment where i've passed out in half the toilet like if i would have felt i wouldn't be here right now crazy as it is dying drowning in the toilet i mean yeah i wouldn't be here that's what it took that's what
Speaker 1it took yeah i know i agree with you it's the rock bottom thing is it's uh you don't i think everybody has to hit a point and it's you said it perfectly it's subjective it's different for everybody only you know when it's enough i talk to parents all the time at my job then yeah he's at rock bottom i'm like no he's not because if he was at rock bottom he would be in on his way to treat he would be saying yes to this treatment center he would come on and yeah that's what happened to me the third time around my moment was in a hotel lobby where i was watching people go to work and i had no money i had no hope and i think divine intervention is a good way to look at it because i don't i don't want to say there was a voice that came in my head or i heard some but there was just a narrative going on that was like dude that's enough like it's it's enough the the gig is up like you said and you used to be happy like that guy you used to be you know what i mean it's like but it's different for everybody thanks so much for coming
Speaker 2down no thanks for having me like i said after eight years i've never really spilt the beans so it's nice to finally do it hopefully you know i touched somebody i don't know if that's the appropriate word but you know yeah you get it you get it so yeah perfect
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