Yeah, He'd Live

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It's the Food Coma Club. They might lose count of their helpings of turkey, but never their spending. Oh, you hear that? It's the Cool Ants Club in their natural habitat of giving the trendiest gifts. Ah, it's the Deal Hunters Club. No sudden movements. They smell value a mile away. Whatever holiday club you're in, Sam's Club helps you make the most of your holidays. Come join us. Sam's Club. Good evening, gentle listeners. Or watchers. And welcome to Distractible. This new episode. Stalkers, markers, talks head. Accuses Wade of witchery. Clarifies cholesterol. Then plays doctors and nurse. Balls out Bob. Hates screwing. Loves sausage sauce. Sucking haridinia. Microflaying. Radiology. And lube. Wearing nothing, Wade. Loves to blow on the sidewalk. Admits NPC hood. Initiates spiral. Pneumometry. And amputates. From anus criminals to fisting prostates. Yes! It's time for. Yeah! He'd live! Now sit back and prepare to be distracted. And enjoy the show. Well, hello there, handsome and or beautiful people out there. I can see you. Even if you're only a listener, I can see you. Wow, didn't decide to wear clothes this morning. Been there, done that. I'm your host Markiplier here for Distractible with my fellow naked men, Bob and Wade. Ah, hello, yes, it's me, I'm naked. Especially if you're listening, you can hear it. Yep, this is my real shirt, er, skin. Fuck. Oh, old shirt skin. Point to Bob for. Being able to keep up with the bit the longest without messing it up. My brain, just don't say shirt, don't say shirt. SHIRT! Kept the bit, alright, good. This is my real dick. I mean, shirt. Well, anyway, this is Distractible. This is the show where anything happens and points are given out in accordance to strict laws and adherence to rules. If anyone says otherwise, they are a heinous criminal that is trying to destabilize the entire establishment that we have built. The pillars of society that we have. Driven into the ground with a pile driver. That nobody wants to be an heinous criminal. Nobody wants to be. What? Is that not what you said? I don't think that's what I said. Heinous, heinous, heinous. Yeah, heinous, heinous. We're saying the same thing, heinous. FBI's butt crime division. Heinous! Alright, okay, uh, well, this is Distractible. And I'm the judge of the person that is going to enforce the rules. These two are going to participate in my, my lovely, lovely game with which I will allow them to dabble into the worlds of imagination to concoct realities untold! That's right. What is that? A little screwy bit. Oh, you, you want, you got an Allen key? Wait a minute, just wait till you see what I got. Look, it's a right angle XLR adapter. Oh, that is handy. Oh, that's nice. That's a really convenient thing to have. It actually is. That is super convenient. Yeah, wait, I was going to quiz you on what the name of that twisty thingy you said was, but. Allen's wrench. It is, it is truly Allen's wrench. Velociraptors love it. They see this and they go, "Allen." It's so, except from the movie. The velociraptors appear in the kitchen scene and he's all, "Eee, Allen." Best dream sequence ever. Did you know that in Canada, they have a different screw head? I did know that. It's called the Roberts. Yeah, which if you look at it, it's just a square and that's kind of cool and all. It's the best screw head ever designed. It's so much better. A Phillips screws can die in a fire and I hate them. Yes, I think Phillips screws are fundamentally flawed and pretty pathetic. But now that we have those star screws, I got to admit, hello? That's a weird admission. Did you hear that? hear that or was no i heard like a high-pitched tone you know like a hearing test where it's like chica's barking something happened check on this are you safe yeah do you need to investigate it's fine don't worry about it anyway those star screws i they probably have a name right torx is that torx heads torque torque x torx t-o-r-x torx yeah there aren't they the the superior screw now i mean torx are cool i like roberts because it's simple but all good all superior anything that's not a phillips the best anything that's not i've never had a phillips screw that hasn't eventually stripped it is just awful typically i'm all for stripping but not with screws trip right now i am this is my real shirt take your skin off quick i mean your shirt fuck yeah what do you get under that oh you want any of what's under here you know what's under here more shirt wow yeah more shirt uh anyway sorry i had to write some points for i won't say who congrats bob well just so you know wade you're right we'll have to a strong start but this is not an episode about screwheads or screw types even though that would be a fascinating episode and everyone would be very excited i would have done so well it would have done incredibly we would have gone in the charts what are we in the charts i haven't looked in a minute gotta be honest we're at least top 100 probably probably probably probably probably man it's gonna be a much longer episode if we have to tear everyone down this time yeah we don't need to go into that it's not important it's not part of the problem although we should do a a marathon episode we should do compilation episodes that aren't actually clips it's just multiple episodes in one episode and we really really exploit youtube's retention time and we you know yeah you know what i'm saying no i didn't follow any of that all right let me repeat myself we should have compilation episodes multiple episodes in one like ones we've already done or new ones where we just like go right into it with one recording same we've already done them guys the chart situation is not great i'm gonna be honest damn i can't find us on the main charts you can't find us on the main charts oh we're not even we're not even on the charts anymore damn maybe we're at least chart adjacent and we are out of the top 200 on the charts let me look at comedy that usually cheers me up that's a hell of a fall we're 12 on comedy yeah we're still 12 we can do it but there's only 13 that's still not bottom we did it all right we're better than conan o'brien listen this is why we're going to be better than better than conan o'brien we're going to say right here right now because we're going to start with the greatest small talk we've ever done in our entire life take it away wade okay what are we talking about oh it's small i was like what's the topic for small talk what's the small talk topic i don't know let me tell you life-changing this goes back to last episode to some extent but life-changing thing snowblowers you too let me tell you so much better than shovel shovel great for like an inch or a little bit more or less whatever but any more than that snowblower life-changing you push it and the snow just go however depending on how your blower blow if the wind go go snow oh no you know are you the type of guy that's doing your snowblower up drive where you're like oh thank goodness and you turn it around to go the other way you're like oh hell oh god no but i did blow into the wind and everything i blew just came right back and covered me and the spot i'd already been plowing that's exactly what i was pantomiming yeah that's that's the joke but it was well it was all one direction it was just consistently the wrong one oh so you totally went the wrong so you went the wrong way ah backed it all the way up to the beginning well the alternative was it was doing the sidewalk right so like otherwise i have to walk through the snow to blow it the correct way and i wasn't gonna do that so i'm sorry just the thing does the head on your snowblower not rotate it does like left straight or right but i don't matter which one i did the snow somehow came right back it seems like that's the three options you need to select from though i feel like like you could find a right answer in there yeah but it's not like it's not straight left right like this it's more like kind of diagonally so it's still going straight no matter which direction i switch it to so some of it was still blowing back can you make it so way to accidentally cast a spell right there because it's really you know it goes straight oh no no no this is not anywhere near as elegant as you had it way worse no no the first one was better first one was way better yeah i don't know how to cast spells but yeah yeah yeah it's okay man it's okay don't worry about it magic is over snowblower good but uh wind wind snowblower couldn't be bad well that's good snowblower good but you know it takes a certain intelligence you know how certain items and games you need like an intelligence level to be able to use it properly you can still use it with elden ring you have you can use it it's just not effectively okay i've got the master blow but i'm too underrated leveled for it that's okay at least you have it now you know where to spend your level up points i feel like the kind of person if this was dnd campaign people start off they're like i'm an 18 year old level one wizard and by the time i'm 50 i'll be level 90 and i'm the guy that comes in like yeah i've lived 20 years of trying to level up still level one npc over here oh npcs are usually level five yeah i know you've only been cooking for a day and you've leveled it up to 10 i'm still cooking level one and i'm a cook npc stats y'all don't worry man don't worry you'll get there you get a segue point wade thanks for your sweet segue to my small talk yay all right my first point probably it's not so i like cooking and i i have been fairly successful at cooking a whitish range of things and i'm i like to experiment but i learned a new thing recently and it's just so much easier than i thought it was and it's so fucking delicious when you make it at home microwave no have you guys ever made homemade sausage gravy oh yeah not homemade but i love sausage gravy you haven't made homemade sausage gravy wade you've never made homemade anything oh no sausage sausage and bacon grease gravy like that that's like a staple growing up item for me yeah okay i've never made that before and i always thought it was more it's not complicated it couldn't literally couldn't be easier and holy shit when you make it at home is it delicious can i walk you through before you do it just to prove i don't even believe that you or i don't even not believe that you know how to do it i just don't believe you've ever done it yourself i believe you've watched it be done and then you've eaten it this is this is quite a statement it's quite a statement i can't imagine you cooking i've only personally made it once this is true molly's made it a few times but growing up my grandparents made it all the time my mom made it all the time i actually prefer bacon to sausage i got burnt out on sausage as a kid and i've i've every now and then i want like a sausage link but i typically don't but no like i'm assuming the way you're talking is you'll like fry some sausage use the grease maybe take some out if you have too much grease add some flour add milk let it brown flour milk let it brown salt pepper done like yeah yeah really it's so good it's one of the most it's probably terrible for you because it's literally just grease with flour and milk but it's so good oh it's just horrendous it's it's fat salt and grease all congealed into one big sauce you slop on something else that's fat and salty and greasy and it's just horrendous it's it's just horrendous oh god you have that with some biscuits and eggs and oh yeah whatever oh it's so good i want it right now anyway i'd never made that at home before we were just like man i want breakfast for dinner and was kind of oh god i really want like sausage gravy man and i was like i'll do it and i did and it was really it was just so easy and delicious anyway i just i'm constantly shocked there's so much cooking stuff where i've been like oh that's i could never make that and then you just try it and you're like actually that's not that actually that's not that that's not that it's not too hard it's pretty good places like bob evans and stuff have a similar type to the homemade but there's something about that's always different i don't know if they put too much in it or if it's because it's like preserved or something but making it home hits so different yeah it does i recently did that with chicken marsala too chicken marsala is very delicious and not that hard to make at home and it's real good i think what i'm learning is cooking is easy guys easy game i've got the cheat codes do you want to know my favorite my favorite gravy meal this might surprise you i don't know what's going on here go ahead favorite gravy meal this might be my favorite meal of like anything is it the kfc sadness bowl if i was on death row and they asked me my final meal this would probably be it bacon grease gravy like the sausage gravy time out with bacon grease gravy fried pork chops jesus where you get like the flour dip it in egg sure sure fried everything biscuits mashed potatoes and peas you wouldn't need to be put to death you just die if you ate enough of that and you cut up a little bit of that and you tear up the biscuits you mix all of it together add some salt and pepper especially pepper mix it all up it looks terrible but if you get like the potato gravy the right amount of each and you get like a bite of pork chop and biscuit all in one bite it is ambrosia it is the best thing in the world it's so good ambrosia he says my auntie used to call that gloop i love gloop i would die and i probably will die for gloop yeah i imagine that'll be the end of you someday you'll be too old and you'll die for gloop take a bite and it'll just be like oh there's that last five percent somehow my carson cars what the fuck am i trying to say carson daily no the cholesterol is the word by carson my cholesterol has never been bad somehow well recently they did discover that they're kind of been a bit a bit wrong about cholesterol and the levels that it actually should be over a long period of time that's why things have been inconsistent for a while and you should actually have a little bit more of both types you know it's like it's hard to actually say quantify that's what i keep telling the doctor yeah it's uh it's it's complicated turns out human by very complicated anyway shop black friday appliance savings and get up to an extra $1,250 off select appliance purchases like ge profile plus free delivery on appliance purchases of $398 or more make life easier with the fridge that doubles as your personal kitchen assistant or upgrade your laundry room with the ultra fresh vent system plus front load washer so your clothes stay fresh after every single wash shop black friday appliance savings with fast free delivery at the home depot offer valid november 4th through december 2nd at participating stores and at homedepot.com us only c store online for details are you ever shopping online and suddenly a discount that helps you save pops up it makes your day sometimes even your week want that feeling month after month well new customers who save by switching their home and auto insurance to progressive save hundreds cue your happy dance get your quote today at progressive dot com progressive casualty insurance company affiliates and other insurers not available in all states but weirdly enough bob you get the other segway point because we're going into our game called yeah he'd live okay all right yeah are you getting me and see where this is going all right we're gonna start this off with a scene you are the world's greatest doctors the most lives saved one of you has one more patient than the other but i won't say which one you kind of debate which one counts as a patient your counts are in the thousands but you know you kind of squabble between each of which one actually counted and which one was actually easy but you are gathered here because you have a patient in front of you on the operating table mystery illnesses presenting with lesions high fever abdominal exploding um there's there's multiple things wrong with him they're on the verge of death only you whichever one of you can do it only one of you can save this patient and you in the same vein of all the other you blah blah live yeah win and then you know in that way you'll take turns you'll repeat the action of the previous doctor and when you reset time and go back and try again let's just assume the other one is going to do the same thing just like brings them back to borderline health whatever wave it however you want the next person will repeat that action because you secretly do respect your fellow doctor's genius ability and you know that they were on the right path but obviously they weren't seeing the chest move in front of that one so you got to repeat that action and then do the next action after that in the same vein of all the yeah i'd win but you're trying to save this patient's life in other words it's exactly the same thing we do before with a slightly different wrapper to make it feel fresh i like this so i need to pull up my d20 because the way this works for everybody at home who haven't seen another nod win or nod lose they're going to take a turn it's a d20 if they roll for every good action they will get plus one advantage on the roll their need they need a 20 total to win and save the patient or save the life nah he or she would live but they incrementally get their advantage growing with each turn that it takes could hit on the first one could hit on the last one so i'm gonna flip to see who goes first uh we of course have heads for wade tails for bob we got heads for wade congratulations wade you're going first doctor it's not saying you're more skilled than your fellow doctor but you're not some may say all right so right now we know nothing about them other than in front of us and they're dying well they have high fever abdominal explosions they look terrible okay they've got a they're flatlining every few minutes they're dying well they have high fever abdominal explosions they look terrible okay they've got a or a few seconds you know they're kind of or a few seconds you know they're kind of or a few seconds you know they're kind of like going in you know kind of like that really horrible in utter agony desperate and just to remind myself and everyone out there this is the thing where if i say too many words bob has to repeat them exactly this is the don't be too long that's the bit yes all right dear journal of american medical association i can't believe this happened to me okay go on my patient his lungs is he breathing and i check his lungs check his lungs i'm not sure if that works towards saving him dr uh bob dr myskins in your medical opinion do you think that assists in getting the patient closer to life i'm gonna say yeah as an initiative like if you check his lungs it's like oh there's a squirrel in there and you you know what you know you're going next like he gives you that's good classic thing that's good like checking the tail pipe for if there's a squirrel in there the classic banana in the lungs gag yeah people used to worry about gerbils up the butt but no it's been squirrels in the lungs that's been the real killer all right we're rolling this that saves him i swear to god not quite it was good it was a good check uh but with a 15 plus one you got 16 near nearly there uh but as you check you leaned it's like an ocean it's like tidal waves in there in and like every breath and then it's quiet all of a sudden and the patient dies ready to operate now dr myskins is your turn oh yeah great dear journal of american medicine history i can't believe it happened to me you both are ready you're competing papers my patient i'll check his lungs wait why am i still writing this okay so the next thing i do is i think it must be an old school problem lungs are clear no squirrels leeches leeches everywhere all any part of any fleshy bit i can get a leech onto boom leeched that'll suck it out penis leeched tank leeched perennium leeched his abc leeched acdc leeched all right we'll see if leeches work this will give you plus two you oof it's a two you get a four total nope you bleed him dry uh all blood is vacated um he's super dead now frothing at the mouth all blood like emaciated dried husk dead dr barnes dear jama journal of american medical history can't believe this happened to me my patient i'll see if he's breathing a little bit doesn't sound good why am i still writing this you know what i'll go a bit more old school leeches cover the patient in leeches now that he's getting all that bad blood out amputate the feet i get my buzzsaw cured dr vice kids in your professional opinion do you think that gets closer to life if the feet were the problem or is his genius so good that we just can't see where he's going with this i mean it's not impossible there's something so wrong with his feet that that's the solution i like you doctor we should work together maybe he's got the the gangrene or some some sort of flesh-eating thing on his foot i mean leeches were as likely to cure it as this i would say hey leeches is a legitimate medical treatment that's still employed in hospitals to this day it is it actually is not for the reason that they used to do it but it is i know it is but i'll give it to the feet maybe there's some horrible infection let's roll it's a plus 3 12 total 15 not quite uh he's his lungs are full uh he drowns in his own sputum his blood is all gone and then his feet uh seal the deal um he barely feels that though before he dies just so if that makes you any feel good i'm gonna feel really bad when we cure him and he doesn't have any feet my bad you dr my skins uh what's the next step dear mama jama's at jama i can't believe it happened to me uh i'm gonna check this patient's lungs and save them while i write this oh that doesn't sound good i should probably stop writing all right now i'm gonna cover him in leeches i don't know what that will do but it looks like i'm doing something and isn't that really what we're trying to do at work just get through the day anyway i found my buzzsaw ah he's never gonna have feet again uh right he's sick i am gonna go hyper modern leeches is the old school the new school technique is a laparoscopic robotic microsurgery i'm just gonna cut his whole abdomen open and flay him and then use a tiny little robot to search around for what's wrong and fix it modern technology you're gonna you're gonna do this you're gonna do this you're gonna flay him macro so you can send a tiny robot it could be a whole fleet of tiny micro robots all the surgery is all happening at once one of them is probably gonna find something all right you know what i'm not even gonna ask dr burns if that helps i know it's helping i think this is a terrible idea whoa whoa whoa i'm gonna back you up on feet cutting offing you know give me micros i'm only saying because i know he'll do the opposite of what i think anyway so you're welcome i'm look hey i gave you the all right rolling uh what a genius yes 20 yes i knew it would work oh thank god i remember laparoscopic idioma or whatever you said the incredible genius to know that the leeches would create all the cavities for the laparoscopic surgery and that the feet could cause a sudden purge as the machines push in and push down all the illness goes shooting out the stumps like splash all over dr barnes damn it ah he's like the you know covered in it there you see an outline of him and all the all the grossness and illness that's why the feet had to come off that's the exit route i can't believe he's getting posted in bad mama jama before me all right let me find my let me get my notebook back dear jama i did it dear sexy mamas of jama magazine i'm gonna tell my grandma about you mama jama's at jama she lives in alabama rides the battle on a camera i was trying to do camel but camo all right so you okay dr bison that was incredible you both go home by the way it was like an auditorium operating room so you had a whole bunch of people around they all got up and they were like this you know that's why we had to have those flourishes because we wanted to really put on a show for the people yeah all right so since you're you're both go-getters right it's the next day you both are on your 3 a.m hike sprint actually up a mountain and you get to the top of the mountain and you see each other you go like oh it's you because you know i i got a bit to 329 and i get whatever but using your super doctor senses you hear a cry for help someone at the top of the mountain is going help me i can't hold on much longer oh my grip is loosening you both scramble over and on the ledge there is a man who is dangling by one finger on the ledge of a cliff that is the most precipitous drop makes el capitan looks like a look like a hole that a child dug it's miles into the earth finger right here all of the fingers broken and backwards are actually like splayed backwards so he only has the one finger his other arm is is bent and contorted from being 127 hours so he's really emaciated and tired and both his legs are gone there his feet are gone for some reason might be the same person happens a lot happens a lot well well well redemption arc for me yeah i'm not saying it's the same guy but it looks and kind of sounds like it and the feet are missing maybe he was going up for a celebratory hike kind of shouldn't have done that right after he got out of the hospital with no feet yeah yeah he's he's on the ledge and it's up to you two to save him it's your turn bob okay i assess the situation and decide that i can approach i get down on one knee close to the patient and whisper to myself i can't wait to write jambo about this and then i check his lungs because we've all agreed that that helps all right standard operating procedure always check the lungs i always say you gotta make sure you have an airway you check those lungs and then you can move on to whatever next thing you gotta do that's what they teach you broken fingers could be a lung issue maybe he needs more air you don't know could be could be all right do you go like no take a deep breath get down get down pull my stethoscope out like all right deep breath in uh and again if you could refrain from moaning uh one more time it's gonna be a little cold for you you're not in a hurry are you you rolled an eight plus one uh as you lean down his his airway sounds great and then you don't hear anything anymore except a distant as he falls to his doom i heard thank you that counts as a win for me uh not quite not quite dr barnes you see your your fellow doctor bumbling over there to check the lungs and you know you have to do the same because you know standard operating procedure yeah yes i get out my pen and paper get down on one knee this is for you jama i look down at my patient knowing the first thing to do is check the lungs so i listen in lungs are good i yell nurse suction she brings over the suction tube typically reserved for like blood and other things to siphon off but i know it'll lift this man up and pull him back up all right yeah i was so was the nurse do you each have your own nurse it's just the one nurse okay it's just the one just nurse don't even have a name you have to share a nurse i've watched enough markiplier videos though it's just nurse yep you're right all right rolling oh close 14 plus 2 16 not quite nurse rushes over with the suction device tries to suck it back up it's just not enough he slips out of the machine and goes plummeting to his death oh suction's crucial though we'll get him with it yes of course of course i assess the situation i go over i approach go down on a knee jama again i set the out listen to the lungs lungs are fine i go nurse suction nurse comes over and the suction doesn't do anything and then i remember what's the second step we always take i go radiology x-rays a guy comes rushing in from the side and with a mobile x-ray it's like and takes a full body x-ray so we can really see what's going on in there i like how this is like a you know a 2d side-by-side fighting game and you just tag out radiation all right so we got three points for that let's see how that does why did i think about the x-ray you see clear as day that his bones are cracked in such a way that you said if you simply tip him they will burst through his cutoff feet and plant it like a like a scaffold against the wall so that he can maintain stability long enough for you to both treat his injuries and get him safely up over the ledge which i'm assuming you ask an assistant to do to pull him up because that's the other reason i got radiology uh more hands you know and i just step back and i let them do it because i'm the surgeon here and if you radiate enough they'll have even more hands i have to start writing jama immediately yeah well dr barnes why don't you go finish your little jaunt back down the mountain you gotta gotta get this article written i will and as i do i flail my arms like this to show my displeasure i just want you all to know that okay do you do the kermit yell as you run away i'm going back to we again no that's not he goes ah oh i'm leaving it's me kermit i'm leaving you both get in your uber but unfortunately you both think it's the same uber so you both hop in and you you find yourself seated and you're like oh my god i'm leaving i'm leaving i'm leaving i'm leaving next to your despised arch rival doctor one of you clearly superior we're not gonna say who hard to tell you're driving along and uh your uber driver takes off starts to go across you know the golden gate bridge and he looks back at you both and goes like hey you notice a cast on his hand you can sense he's driving he has like pedal shifters up near the steering wheel because he has no feet he goes like doc doc it's me yeah you saved me yesterday twice he tries to go twice and hold up two fingers but he only has one so he's like twice twice yesterday and meanwhile while he's turned back at you he's drifting the wheel a bit too far to the right bang right through the guardrail and down into the into the splash right he's knocked unconscious you are both so fine backseat of that car was really secure uh seatbelts on your medical protection obviously kept you safe you're totally unharmed and you know you could get out easily but the patient your patient is unconscious he's already floating he's not in water yet but he's kind of like like this just a little bit like that and he obviously couldn't swim to the surface no feet one finger you need to save him he might be injured he might be dead his neck might be broken he wasn't wearing a seat belt he kind of flopped all over the place bang boom but then landed right back in his seat dr barnes you're not gonna let this chance go to waste you gotta save your patient you're underwater the car is flooding what do you do i pull out my waterproof paper and i write dear jama thank god i was prepared for this situation i pocket it i pull out my cassette tape of classical music put it in so i can listen to something peaceful while i go to work and i'm never gonna believe this i check the lungs all right you check the lungs dan gotta follow standard procedure you cannot follow standard procedure can't deviate oh so close that's right 20. it was an 18 plus one is 19 so close he is dead but at least i get to listen to some violins yeah car floods um he's dead tragic dinner dr mice can't save them all i guess we could you know if you just want to give up but dr bison's would you give up oh we have a reservation so i don't want to you know what do you think we were driving to i'm not really on call tonight i just sort of shouldn't do it who's on call shouldn't they page someone else i get out my waterproof paper and just scribble it's not even language just i'll send that later and then i put that away and i get out my cassette tape of classical music and put that in the car which we're assuming has a cassette player in it yeah yeah sure yeah sure okay it starts playing all good ubers do check the lungs just to see sounds fine not the problem i reach for my buzzsaw but i noticed someone's already taken that step and then i decide that it's probably neurological so i grab his patient's head and pull his eyes open and i say follow my nose follow my nose and i start going like this and his eyes he doesn't lock on at all he can't track a target and i know it's neurological that's him that's the move watch a d20 i can smell it i can feel it i know i feel it too i don't want it not quite that was a four oh so close yeah his eyes uh you've you forced open kind of do one of these where they instantly just like go white like and then he's dead that's probably fine gotta remember to go to dinner after this dr barnes dear jama on my waterproof paper i can't believe this happened to me i'll write it later pocket it cassette tape in classical music check the lungs looks good maybe it's neurological i lift the eyelids oh my nose oh wow he's following must not be that you know what could be the prostate i bend him over grab my bucket of pocket lube and whoa whoa that's the problem that was really up in there don't question this medical professional he knows what he's doing you never know how deep the prostate might be sometimes it hides that thing's unruly in there especially after a car crash could be going all over the place anyway rolling oh not one oof oh man no pun intended that that prostate was so unruly it pulls you in with it all right uh always the optimist way to appreciate that about you thanks dr meisgens waterproof paper jama mama jama mama put that away cassette tape of classical music click jamming out check the lungs sounds fine maybe it's neurological follow my nose follow my nose all right he's fine it's not neurological maybe it says prostate big 10 gallon thing of lube like a like a ventriloquist dummy all the way in there hey don't get that dinner reservation don't worry i'll get this wrapped up real quick and then we can get right out there to dinner and then i turn the patient's head and i say dinner i hardly know him and then i take my arm out of his butt and i'm like ah it's prostate's fine man it's so medical i'm gonna get this strapped up real quick and then we can get right out there to dinner and then i turn the patient's head and i say dinner i hardly know him and then i take my arm out of his butt and i'm like ah it's prostate's fine man it's some medical stuff you can do you know um what could you possibly do what could you possibly next next oh the the water the car is starting to fill with water and i think oh he's recently had several accidents he lost his feet and i say nervous because we're starting to drown we really got to get out of here we got that dinner reservation we're sinking into the bed we're sinking into the bed we're sinking into the bed we're sinking into the bay i forgot about pocket nurse damn it all right nurse nurse comes in uh does nurse things let's see how that helps nat 20 baby doctor my skin says done it again not in that 20 it was an 18 but it still counts what a hero the nurse i guess actually is the hero but the doctor made the call to bring in the nurse gets all the credit nurse goes unbuckles the seat belt the nurse ignores me and it's like i'll save him and then actually saves him wayne and i are just sitting in the back of the uber like wayne gets out his waterproof paper you guys are gonna love the next one man the dice really aren't just doing me a favor today man it's so good to be on this side of the dice roll bullshit for once i swear it always happens to me not for me oh yeah it's it is good for you bubba i'm i'm very proud of you i mean i'm just an excellent doctor i guess so maybe we'll know if either of you is an excellent doctor at the end of this one it's still up in the air i got three saves man i'm undefeated speaking of up in the air you two are not up in the air at all actually completely a lie our helicopter rescue from the water you you are at the bank depositing your big bonus checks one of them slightly bigger than the other but they're both huge they're massive checks right and so you the teller goes next you both go oh you here here's my check you mean the number is big you don't mean a physically large check no they're huge actually and you can see the numbers it's thirty dollars but the biggest check you'll ever see so you can see which one has bigger numbers than the other and you both are able to get that information plus everyone else here when suddenly behind you the door bursts open this is a robbery and you're like who could possibly be crying whoa you see your patient there with a bomb strapped to his chest one finger on the trigger of a gun and he says oh the crowd are all oh i can't do this help oh doctors some maniac strapped a bomb to my chest and i had to hobble in here on my new wooden peg legs and they just oh man can you help me you look at the clock it says 10 seconds or minutes not nine it's seconds bob what do you do i don't have my notebook with me so i get my phone out and start a voice memo dear jama i'll write this down and send it to you later this is a voice memo pardon any mistakes i might make in describing my actions with plenty of time to spare i draw my travel scalpel from my tool belt and i aim for the red wire on the bomb because it's always the red wire and i go and i cut the red wire and save everybody incredible it's it's so close it actually goes through the red wire but it hits him right here it was a 15 plus one really good aim but just a little off the mark he dies but the bomb doesn't go off so you know that's that's pretty good yay yeah that's pretty good but he's still dead so dr barnes no paper on my phone dear jama watch this i go up grab my scalpel audio message cut the red wire watch this listeners you better watch this doesn't explode patient looking a little concerning so i know what to do next i check his lungs so are we saying that the bomb is diffused now so we're just gonna continue on we don't know i don't think it didn't explode we cut the red wire i'm still here all right let's say it doesn't cut the wire it just killed him for some reason never and blow for the last one just to keep the bomb going because i can't have the bomb disarmed this early so you're gonna go check the lungs right oh yeah okay that's definitely definitely an advantage i go to cut the red wire i cut him and just the way i can listen to the lungs oh my god it was the lungs it was the lungs the bomb was attached to the lungs the lungs so you somehow threw your scalpel and that i don't know no i wanted this one to go longer you checked his lungs you that also disarmed the bomb jama watch this shit when you listen to his lung you noticed that there was some kind of strange lump in there so you got ahead of a diagnosis that would have caused the lung cancer down the road and also resonating in his chest was the exact voice imprint of the people that he was talking to he was talking to the people that abducted him so you were able to determine their identities from sound resonating in his chest alone and man hero beyond hero he's a great doctor but like i'm making the front page yeah that that is stunning and everyone in the bank is like oh dr barnes dr barnes finally recognition woo barnes jama's gonna love me the jama article is just dear jama watch this shit and huge parenthetical that's like rustling noise clicking a phone being set down sounds like a scalpel gets drawn running away footsteps running away sudden distant cheering a voice in the distance says now take a deep breath underneath i'll have a little asterisk says arrow up recommended operating standard operating procedure i'm changing the game now and that is published we have to diffuse before we check the lungs shop black friday appliance savings and get up to an extra 1250 off select appliance purchases like ge profile plus free delivery on appliance purchases of 398 or more make life easier with the fridge that doubles as your personal kitchen assistant or upgrade your laundry room with the ultra fresh vent system plus front load washer so your clothes stay fresh after every single wash shop black friday appliance savings with fast free delivery at the home depot offer valid november 4th through december 2nd at participating stores and at homedepot.com us only c store online for details are you ever shopping online and suddenly a discount that helps you save pops up it makes your day sometimes even your week want that feeling month after month well new customers who save by switching their home and auto insurance to progressive save hundreds cue your happy dance get your quote today at progressive.com progressive casualty insurance company affiliates and other insurers not available in all states all right i'm gonna call it there i don't think uh i couldn't come up with any more scenarios than that so i think that'll have to be you got 20s early yeah that was a lot of 20s we didn't have any like 90 step ones today i know the stupid big one went on forever that big one just kept going man uh and the baseball one for the asteroid that also used to be a huge one yeah more beans all right so congratulations doctors you did great one of you did marginally better than the other i won't say which i'll just count the points the real winner today is jama so wade uh you will start with you you got a point for your real shirt it's very nice uh you got a point for your shirt level up with your snowblower you did get a segue point from bob what nothing nothing happened don't worry about it to your jama uh camo mool it was a bad one camo mool camo oh yeah camo because he was trying to ride with alabama and mama jama and grandma oh right and then you won the bank you saved the bank robber that's six points incredible bob you kept the bit robert screw screw sausage gravy the actual segue point they both count you got the operation uh dinner i hardly know him among other things that made me laugh that was really funny you got the climbing point and the drowning which leaves you with eight total points to wade's six so going into the final round wade you have six points bob you have eight a big advantage huge advantage and just right on time any second now it's gonna yep here it comes there it is the magical wheel how many should we spin wheel eight that'd be a hell of a spin oh guess what it's three again always three only three i want to add to the wheel who remembers the first step the first person that says check the lungs and so there's we have to do it again we have to remember what the first step is of standard operating procedure i'm gonna forget that tomorrow much less like three months from now when it comes up there that's very long we're gonna have so many medical people in the comments that are so upset they're not no they you guys were textbook that's true i mean you practically wrote the textbook but we wrote the textbook yeah yeah you wrote the textbook so it's all good we'll definitely remember that when it comes up spin number one half point for mark okay you're on the board that's what i'm talking about dude if we get surprised golf rules and mark wins all right me half a point all right spin number two not golf rules most accents use any of us use an accent i mean maybe me in describing the patient but he didn't really have an accent i grumbled a lot sometimes that's that not it's not really an accent i think this is a rare one where not many accents occurred here so we could yeah i think maybe just respite oh lie points absolute value we didn't have any live points this time did we no lie points yeah we really need to incorporate more lie points we do i need to lie more i lie all the time just so we get points for it best mental image oh such good mental images there are some winners there were really good ones i liked bob throwing the paper away ventriloquist dummy dinner i hardly know her ventriloquist was pretty good oh man how do i even decide what about the x-ray on the side of the mountain if i had to be technical about this bob i can't give the point to you because you can't conjure a mental image so i'm gonna give it to wade because i know you were describing a lot of things but i know i know it was a blank slate up there wade you're gonna get that point that's so mean it's like hey bob if you picture the point i'll give it to you you just gotta want it if you see in the tiktok of ray bating my fat dog with a treat no no it's very funny very funny because everything's like a treat and he goes like this every time he goes for it he's like it's for like five minutes straight and as soon as he opens his hands just stops it's very funny well reminds me the family guy a bit where mr pewter schmidt's driving by the orphanage he's got like a puppy and a bunch of toys in the backseat he's like you gotta really want it he keeps driving away as the kid tries to get in almost at it that's it alright so with that we're done bob with eight points to wade seven to my half bob congratulations for winning this episode doctor my skins that's the first time our point total has ever matched our heights it's not too late to deduct one it doesn't affect me anymore all right back down to six all right okay i'm giving you a mean wait i was lying give it back nah too late so you get for being nice to wade i never make short jokes as i said you did it like 30 times but i guess that's whenever you were host so you were allowed to what no way let's win that was the last episode i know i can all right bob congratulations but i'm gonna let wade's do his loser speech first i'm in a familiar spot back at the bottom that's okay because i know jama appreciates our hard work the lungs were good we did our jobs what does the other a stand for journal of american medicine medical association oh i had to look up respected medical journals what my favorite one was and as soon as i saw jam i was like that's a fun one yeah sorry wade on your loss bob congratulations your winner speech please that's going smoothly there we go dear jama another successful day as a doctor you're welcome that i'm part of this shitty profession you write so fast you have no idea you think i save lives quickly i don't know why i'm tilting my head like this either sometimes the dice are in your favor and or you're just a superior medical doctor and one of those things is definitely true about me today we will never say which one's which thank you everybody so much for listening and or watching i hope your theaters of your minds were working overtime today and uh if you could save them better no you couldn't you're not a doctor like these two definitely are i am not a doctor either so i'm not legally liable for being sued for any reason of impersonating one thank you have a good day uh there's merch on the site distractible.shop and if you find it fashionable you can buy that uh iron lung and theaters already it's already happened you already know that it was a big scam just my let's play up there uh for running twice actually because i had to fill the time but thank you so much for giving me all of your money and ticket sales and i will never regret it as long as i live i will run away into the woods now and never be seen again this has been by bob and wade you can find them at my scream lord minion 777 or minion 777 i'm markiplier have a lovely day podcast out watch new episodes on spotify right now when you buy more carpet at the home depot you save more for a limited time upgrade your carpeting with the top brands and save up to 15 off installed carpet projects installation starting at just 69 cents per square foot let us get you started with a free measure purchased by december 6th for installation by christmas offer valid november 12 2026 through december 6 2026 base price for standard installations only excludes traffic master and stock carpet for licenses see homedepot.com license numbers are you ever shopping online and suddenly a discount that helps you save pops up it makes your day sometimes even your week want that feeling month after month well new customers who save by switching their home and auto insurance to progressive auto insurance is a great way to save money and save money with progressive save hundreds cue your happy dance get your quote today at progressive.com progressive casualty insurance company affiliates and other insurers not available in all states