Yeah, He'd Live

Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This new episode, Stalker's Markers Talks Head, accuses Wade of witchery, clarifies cholesterol, then plays doctors and nurse. Balls out, barb hates screwing, loves sausage sauce, sucking herodinia, microflaying, radiology, and lube. Wearing nothing, Wade loves to blow on the sidewalk, admits in PChood, initiates pyrometry, and amputates, from heinous criminals to fisting prostates. It's time for. Yeah! He'd live! Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Well, hello there, handsome and/or beautiful people out there. I can see you! Even if you're only a listener, I can see you. Wow, didn't decide to wear clothes this morning. Been there, done that. I'm your host, Markiplier, here for Distractable with my fellow naked men, Bob and Wade! Ah, hello, yes. That's me. I'm naked, especially if you're listening. You can hear it. Yep, this is my real shirt or skin. Oh, oh, shirt skin. Point to Bob for being able to keep up with the bit the longest without messing it up. My brain, just don't say shirt, don't say shirt. Shirt, cut the bit. All right, good. This is my real dick. I mean, sure. Well, anyway, this is Distractable. This is the show where anything happens and points are given out in accordance to strict laws and adherence to rules. If anyone says otherwise, they are a heinous criminal that is trying to destabilize the entire establishment that we have built the impillers of society that we have driven into the ground with a pile driver. That nobody wants to be an heinous criminal. Nobody wants to beat. What? Is that not what you said? I don't think that's what I said heinous heinous heinous heinous heinous heinous we're saying the same thing heinous FBI's butt crime division heinous all right. Okay. Well, this is Distractable. And I'm the judge of the person that is going to enforce the rules. These two are going to participate in my my lovely, lovely game with which I will allow them to dabble into the worlds of imagination to concoct realities untold. That's right. What's that? Screwy bit. Oh, you got an Allen key? Wait a minute. Just wait until you see what I got. Look, it's a right angle XLR adapter. Oh, that is Andy. That's a really convenient thing to have. It actually is. That is super convenient. Yeah, wait, I was going to quiz you on what the name of that twisty thingy you said was, but Allen's wrench. That is, it is truly Allen's wrench. Velociraptors love it. They say this and they go Allen. Except from the movie. The Velociraptors appear in the kitchen scene and he's all Allen. Best dream sequence ever. Did you know that in Canada, they have a different screw head. I did know that. It's called the Roberts. Yeah. Which if you look at it, it's just a square and that's kind of cool and all. It's the best screw head ever to that. It's so much better. A Phillips screws can die in a fire and I hate them. Yes, I think Phillips screws are fundamentally flawed and pretty pathetic, but now that we have those star screws, I got to admit hello. That's a weird admission. Did you hear that or was? No, I heard like a you know, like a hearing test where it's like she goes barking. So something happened. Yeah, check on this. Are you safe? Yeah, do you need to investigate? It's fine. Don't worry about it. Anyway, those star screws, they probably have a name, right? Torx? Is that Torx heads? Torx, Torx, X, Torx, X, Torx. Yeah, aren't they the superior screw now? I mean, torx are cool. I like Roberts because it's simple, but all good, all superior. Anything that's not a Phillips, the best. Anything is nothing. I've never had a Phillips screw that has an eventually stripped. It is just awful. Typically, I'm all for stripping, but not with screws. Drip right now. I am. This is my real shirt. Take your skin off. Quick. I mean, your shirt. Fuck. Hey, what do you get under that? Oh, you want to know what's under here? You want to know what's under here? More shirt. Wow. Yeah. More shirt. Uh, anyway, sorry. I had to write some points for I won't say who congrats, Bob. Well, just so you know, Wade, you're right. Love to a strong start, but this is not an episode about screw heads or screw types, even though that would be a fascinating episode and everyone would be very excited. I would have done so well. It would have done incredibly. We would have gone in the charts. What are we in the charts? Haven't looked in a minute. Kind of be honest. We're at least top 100, probably. Probably, probably, probably. Man, it's going to be a much longer episode if we have to tear everyone down this time. Yeah, we don't need to go into that. It's not important. It's not part of the problem. Although we should do a marathon episode. We should do compilation episodes that aren't actually clips. It's just multiple episodes in one episode and we really, really exploit YouTube's retention time. And you know, you know, you know what I'm saying? No, I didn't follow any of that. All right, let me repeat myself. We should have compilation episodes, multiple episodes in one. Like, ones we've already done or new ones where we just like go right into it with one recording. Same. We've already done them. Guys, the chart situation is not great. I'm going to be honest. Damn. Uh-oh. I can't find us on the main charts. Oh, we're not even on the charts anymore. Damn. Maybe we're at least chart adjacent. We are out of the top 200 on the charts. Let me look at comedy. That usually cheers me up. That's a hell of a fall. We're 12 on comedy. We're still 12. We can do it. But there's only 13. That's still not bottom. We did it. We're better than Conan O'Brien. Listen, this is why we're going to be better than better than Conan O'Brien. We're going to say right here right now because we're going to start with the greatest small talk we've ever done in our entire life. Take it away. Wait. Okay. What are we talking about? Oh, it's small talk topic. What's the small talk topic? I don't know. Let me tell you life changing. This goes back to last episode to some extent. Life changing thing. Snow blowers. You too. Let me tell you. So much better than shovel shovel. Great for like an inch or a little bit more or less, whatever. But any more than that, snow blower life changing. You push it and the snow just go. However, depending on how your blow or blow, if the wind go go snow oh no, you know. Are you the type of guy that's doing your snowblower up drive where you're like, oh, thank goodness. And you turn it around to go the other way. You're like, oh, no, no, but I did blow into the wind and everything I blew just came right back and covered me and the spot I had already been plowing. That's exactly what I was pantomiming. Yeah, that's that's the joke. But that was what it was all one direction. It was just consistently the wrong one. Oh, so you told me what the wrong. So you went the wrong way. Oh, backed it all the way up to the beginning. The alternative was doing the sidewalk, right? So like otherwise I have to walk through the snow to blow it the correct way. And I wasn't going to do that. So I'm sorry. Just the thing does the head on your snowblower not rotate? It does like left straight or right. But I don't know, no matter which one I did, the snow somehow came right back. It seems like that's the three options you need to select from though. I feel like you could find a right answer in there. Yeah, but it's not like it's not straight left right like this. It's more like kind of diagonally. So it's still going straight no matter which direction I switch it to. So some of it was still blowing back. Can you make it so way to accidentally cast a spell right there? Yeah. Yeah. You know, it goes straight. Oh, no, no, no, this is not anywhere near as elegant as you had it. Way worse. No, no. The first one was better. First one was way better. Yeah. Oh, I got a lot of cast spells. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's okay, man. It's okay. Magic is over. Snowblower good, but wind wind snowblower couldn't be bad. Well, that's good. Snowblower good, but you know, it takes a certain intel, you know, certain items and games you need like an intelligence level to be able to use it properly. You can still use it with Elden Ring. You have you can use it is not effectively okay. I've got the master below, but I'm too underleveled for it. That's okay. At least you have it. Now you know where to spend your level up points. I feel like the kind of person if this is a D&D campaign, people start off like I'm 18 year old level one wizard and by the time I'm 50, I'll be level 90. And I'm the guy that comes in like, yeah, I've lived 20 years of trying to level up still level one NPC over here. Oh, NPCs are usually level five. Yeah. I know you've only been cooking for a day and you've leveled it up to 10. I'm still cooking level one and I'm a cook. - NPC stats, y'all. - Don't worry, man, don't worry, you'll get there. - You get a segue point, Wade. Thanks for your sweet segue to my small talk. - Yay! - All right, my first point. - Probably. - It's not. - So I like cooking, and I haven't been fairly successful at cooking the whitish range of things, and I like to experiment, but I learned a new thing recently, and it's just so much easier than I thought it was, and it's so fucking delicious when you're making it home. - Microwave. - No, have you guys ever made homemade sausage gravy? - Oh yeah, not homemade, but I love sausage gravy. - You haven't made homemade sausage gravy, Wade, you've never made homemade anything. - Oh no, sausage and bacon grease gravy? Like that's like a staple growing up item for me, yeah. - Okay, I've never made that before, and I always thought it was more, it's not complicated. It couldn't, literally couldn't be easier, and holy shit when you making it home is it delicious. Can I walk you through before you do it just to prove? - I don't even believe that you, or I don't even not believe that you know how to do it. I just don't believe you've ever done it yourself. I believe you've watched it be done, and then you've eaten it. - This is, this is quite a statement, it's quite a statement. - I can't imagine you cooking. - I've only personally made it once, this is true. Molly's made it a few times, but growing up, my grandparents made it all the time, my mom made it all the time. I actually prefer bacon to sausage. I got burned out on sausages as a kid, and I've cut every now and then I want like a sausage link, but typically don't. But no, like, I'm assuming the way you're talking is you'll like, fry some sausage, use the grease, maybe take some out of you, have too much grease, add some flour, add milk, let it brown, flour, milk, let it live it brown, salt, pepper, done, like, yeah, really it's so good. It's one of the most, it's probably terrible for you, 'cause it's literally just grease with flour and milk, but it's so good. - Oh, it's just horrendous. It's, it's fat, salt, and grease, all congealed into one big sauce you slap on, something else that's fat and salty and greasy. - Oh god, you have that with some biscuits and eggs and baking soda, whatever, oh, it's so good. I want it right now. - Anyway, I never made that at home before. We were just like, man, I want breakfast for dinner and it was kind of like, oh, I really want sausage gravy. Man, and I was like, I'll do it. And I did and it was really, it was just so easy and delicious. Anyway, I just, I'm constantly shocked. There's so much cooking stuff where I've been like, oh, that's, I could never make that. And then you just try it and you're like, actually that's not that, actually it's not too hard. It's pretty good. - Places like Bob Evans and stuff have a similar type to the homemade, but there's something about it that's always different. I don't know if they put too much in it or if it's because it's like preserved or something, but making it home hits so different. - Yeah, it does. I recently did that with chicken Marsala too. Chicken Marsala is very delicious and not that hard to make at home and it's real good. I think what I'm learning is cooking is easy guys. Easy game. I've got the cheat codes. Do you want to know my favorite, my favorite gravy meal? This might surprise you. - I don't know what that means. Go ahead. - Favorite gravy meal? - This might be my favorite meal of like anything. - Is it the KFC sadness bowl? - If I was on death row and they asked me my final meal, this would probably be it. - Bacon grease, gravy, like the sausage gravy talking about with bacon grease. - Gravy, fried pork chops. - God Jesus, we get like the flour, dip it in egg. - Sure, sure. - Fried everything. Biscuits, mashed potatoes and peas. - You would need to be put to death. You just die if you ate enough of that. - And you cut up the pork chops, you tear up the biscuits, you mix all of it together, add some salt and pepper, especially pepper, mix it all up. It looks terrible. If you get like the potato, gravy, the right amount of each, and you get like a bite of pork chop and biscuit all in one bite, it is ambrosia. It is the best thing in the world. It's so good. - Ambrosia he says. - My auntie used to call that gloop. - I love gloop. - I would die and I probably will die for gloop. - Yeah, I imagine that'll be the end of you someday. It'll be too old and you'll take a bite and it'll just be like, oh, there's that last 5%. - Somehow, my car's a, car, what the fuck am I trying to say? - Carson daily? - No, the cholesterol is the word. My car, my cholesterol's never been bad somehow. Well, recently they did discover that there kind of been a bit wrong about cholesterol and the levels that it actually should be over a long period of time. That's why things have been inconsistent for a while and you should actually have a little bit more of both types. It's hard to actually say, quantify. - That's what I keep telling the doctor. - Yeah, it's complicated. Turns out human bite, very complicated. Anyway. But weirdly enough, Bob, you get the other segway point 'cause we're going into our game. - Cold. - Yeah, he'd live. (laughing) - Okay. - All right, he getting me into where this is going. - All right, we're going to start this off with a scene. You two are the world's greatest doctors. The most live saved. One of you has one more patient than the other, but I won't say which one. You kind of debate which one counts as a patient. Your counts are in the thousands, but you know, he kind of squabble between each of which one actually counted and which one was actually easy. But you are gathered here because you have a patient in front of you on the operating table. Mystery illnesses, presenting with lesions, high fever, abdominal exploding. There's multiple things wrong with them. They're on the verge of death. Only you, whichever one of you can do it. Only one of you can save this patient. And you in the same vein of all the other, you blah, blah, live. Yeah, and win. And that way, you'll take turns. You'll repeat the action of the previous doctor and when you reset time and go back and try again. Let's just assume the other one just like brings them back to borderline health. Whatever, wave it however you want. The next person will repeat that action because you secretly do respect your fellow doctor's genius ability and you know that they were on the right path. But obviously they weren't seeing the chest move in front of that one. So you got to repeat that action and then do the next action after that in the same vein of all the, yeah, I'd win. But you're trying to save this patient's life. In other words, it's exactly the same thing we do before with a slightly different wrapper to make it feel fresh. I like this wrapper. So I need to pull up my D20 because the way this works for everybody at home who haven't seen another nine win or nine lose. They're going to take a turn. It's a D20, if they roll for every good action, they will get plus one advantage on the roll. They need a 20 total to win and save the patient or save the life. Nah, he or she would live, but they incrementally get their advantage growing with each turn that it takes. Could hit hit on the first one, could hit on the last one. So I'm going to flip to see who goes first. We of course have heads for Wade, tails for Bob, bonk, we got heads for Wade. Congratulations, Wade, you're going first, Doctor. It's not saying you're more skilled than your fellow doctor, but you're not some may say. All right, so right now we know nothing about them other than in front of us and they're dying. Well, they have high fever of domino explosions. They look terrible. Okay, they've got a lot of bad symptoms. Yeah, today, there's a, a, a, a, a, a, a, they're flat lining every few minutes or few seconds, you know, they're kind of like going in. Ah, you know, kind of like that. Really horrible in utter agony, desperate. And just to remind myself and everyone out there, this is the thing where if I say too many words, Bob has to repeat them exactly. This is the, don't be too long. That's the bit, yes. All right, your Journal of American Medical Association, I can't believe this happened to me. Okay, go on. My patient is long, is he breathing? And I check his lungs, check his lungs, all right? Check his lungs. Not sure if that works towards saving him. Doctor, uh, Bob, Doctor, my skin's, uh-huh. In your medical opinion, do you think that assists in getting the patient closer to life? I'm gonna say, yeah, as an initial thing, like, if you check his lungs, it's like, oh, there's a squirrel in there. And, you know what, you know, you're going next, flingies, yeah. That's good. Classic thing. That's good. Like, checking the tailpipe for if there's a squirrel in there. The classic banana in the lungs, gag, yeah. People used to worry about gerbils up the butt, but no, it's been squirrels in the lungs. It's been a real killer. All right, we're rolling. That's safe so my swear to God. Hmm, not quite. It was good, it was a good check. But with a 15 plus one, you got 16, nearly there. But as you check, you leaned. It's like an ocean, it's like tidal waves in there in and every breath. And then it's quiet all of a sudden. And the patient dies. Ready to operate now. Doctor, my skin's just your turn. Oh, yeah, great. Dear Journal of American Medicine History, I can't believe it happened to me. You're both a regular competing papers. Yeah, my patient. Oh, I'll check his lungs. Wait, why am I still writing this? So, okay, the next thing I do is I think it must be an old school problem. Lungs are clear, no squirrels, leeches. Leeches everywhere. All any part of any fleshy bit I can get a leech on to, boom, leeched. That'll suck it out. Pain is leeched. Taint leeched. Prinium leeched. His ABC leeched. AC DC leeched. All right, we'll see if leeches work. This will give you plus two, oof, it's a two, you get a four. total. Nope. You bleed him dry. All blood is vacated. Um, he's super dead now. Ah, wrought into the mouth. All blood, like, emaciated, dried husk. Dead. Dr. Barnes! Dear JAMA, Journal of American Medical Association. Can't believe this happened to me. My patients, I'll see if he's breathing. A little bit doesn't sound good. Why am I still writing this? Ffft. You know what? I'll go a bit more old school. Leaches! Cover the patient in leaches. Now that he's getting all that bad blood out. Amputate the feet. I get my buzzsaw. Ffft. Ffft. Cured. Oh. Dr. Barnes, kids, do you think that gets closer to life if the feet were the problem? Or is his genius so good that we just can't see where he's going with this? I mean, it's not impossible that there's something so wrong with his feet that that's the solution. I like you, doctor. We should work together. Maybe he's got the gangrene or some sort of flesh eating thing on his foot. I mean, leaches were as likely to cure it as this, I would say. Hey, leaches is a legitimate medical treatment that's still employed in hospitals to this day. It is. It actually is. Not for the reason that they used to do it, but it is. I know it is, but I'll give it to the feet. Maybe there's some horrible infection. Let's roll. It's a plus three, 12, total 15. Not quite. His lungs are full. He drowns his own sputum. His blood is all gone and then his feet seal the deal. He barely feels that though before he dies. Just so if that makes you any feel good, I'm going to feel really bad with my cure. I mean, it's only feet, my bed. Doctor, my skin's what's the next step? Dear mammajamas at JAMA, I can't believe it happened to me. I'm going to check this patient's lungs and save them while I write this. Oh, that doesn't sound good. I should probably stop writing it. All right, now I'm going to cover them in leaches. I don't know what that will do, but it looks like I'm doing something and isn't that really what we're trying to do at work. Just get through the day. Anyway, I found my buzz saw. He's never going to have feet again. Right. He's sick. I am going to go hyper modern. Leaches is the old school. The new school technique is a laparoscopic robotic microsurgery. I'm just going to cut his whole abdomen open and play him and then use a tiny little robot to search around for what's wrong and fix it. Modern technology. You're going to you're going to play a macros you can send a tiny robot. It could be a whole fleet of tiny micro robots. All the surgeries all happening at once. One of those probably going to find something. All right, you know what, I'm not even going to ask Dr. Burns of that helps. I know it's helping. I think this is a terrible idea. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I want to back you up on feet cutting offing. You know, give me micros. I'm only saying because I know he'll do the opposite when I take anyway, so you're welcome. I'm looking. I gave you the, all right, we're rolling. Boah, what a genius. It's not 20. Yeah, I knew it would work. Oh, thank god. I have to remember laparoscopic idioma or whatever you said. The incredible genius to know that the leeches would create all the cavities for the laparoscopic surgery and that the feet could cause a sudden purge as the machines push in and push down. All the illness goes shooting out the stumps like all over Dr. Barnes. Damn it. He's like, you know, covered in it. There's seen an outline of him and all the grossness and illness. That's why the feet had to come off. That's the exit route. I can't believe he's getting posted in bad mammoth jama before me. All right, let me find my, let me get my notebook back. Dear jama, I did it. Dear sexy mammoths of jama magazine. I'm gonna tell my grandma about you mammoth jama's at jama. She lives in Alabama. writes the battle on a camera. What? I'm trying to do camel, but camel. All right, so you, okay, Dr. Beises, that was incredible. You both go home. By the way, it was like an auditorium operating room. So you had a whole bunch of people around. They all got up and they were like this, you know. That's why we had to have those flourishes because we wanted to really put on a show for the people. Yeah. All right. So since you're, you're both go getters, right? It's the next day. You both are on your 3am hike sprint actually up a mountain and you get to the top of the mountain and you see each other. You go like, oh, is you? Because, you know, I got a bit to 329 and I get whatever. But using your super doctor senses, you hear a cry for help. Someone at the top of the mountain is going, I can't hold on much longer. My grip is loosening. You both scramble over and on the ledge, there is a man who is dangling by one finger on the ledge of a cliff that is of the most precipitous drop makes El Capitan looks like a look like a hole that a child dug. It's miles into their finger right here. All of the fingers broken and backwards are actually like, played backwards. So he only has the one finger. His other arm is, he's bent and contorted from being 127 hours. So he's really emaciated and tired. And both his legs are gone. There is feeder gone for some reason. Might be the same. It happens a lot. It happens a lot. Well, well, well, redemption hug for me. Yeah. I'm not saying it's the same guy, but it looks and kind of sounds like it in the feeder missing. Maybe he was going up for a celebratory hike. Kind of shouldn't have done that right after he got out of the hospital with no feet. Yeah. Yeah, he's he's on the ledge. And it's up to you to to save him. It's your turn, Bob. Okay. I assess the situation and decide that I can approach. I get down on one knee close to the patient and whisper to myself. I can't wait to write Jam about this and then I check his lungs. Because we've all agreed that that helps. All right. They did operating procedure. Always check the lungs. I always say you got to make sure you have an airway. Check those lungs and then you can move on to whatever next thing you got to do. That's what they teach you. Broken fingers to be a lung issue. Maybe he needs more air. You don't know. Could be. Could be. All right. Do you go like? No, take a deep breath. Hold me. Get down. Get down. Pull my stethoscope out like. All right, deep breath in. And again, if you could refrain from moaning, one more time. It's going to be a little cold. Hold it up for you. You're not in a hurry, are you? You rolled an eight plus one. As you lean down, his airway sounds great. And then you don't hear anything anymore except a distant as he falls to his doom. I heard. Thank you. That counts as a win for me. Not quite. Dr. Barnes, you see your your fellow doctor bumbling over there to check the lungs and you know you have to do the same because you know, standard operating procedure. Yeah, yes. I get out my pen and paper, get down on one knee. This is for you, Jama. I looked out of my patient knowing the first thing to do is check the lungs. So I listen in. Lungs are good. I yell nurse suction. She brings over the suction tube, typically reserved for like blood and other things to siphon off. But I know it'll lift this man up and pull them back up. All right. Yeah, I have so was the nurse. Do you each have your own nurse? It's just the one nurse. Okay, it's just the one just nurse. Don't even have a name. You have to share a nurse. I've watched enough Markiplier videos to know it's just nurse. Yep, you're right. All right, rolling. Oh, close. 14 plus two. 16. Not quite. Nurse rushes over with the suction device, tries to suck it back up. It's just not enough. He slips out of the machine and goes plummeting to his death. Now, suction's crucial though. We'll get him with it. Yes, of course. Of course. I assess the situation. I go over. I approach. Go down on the knee. Jamma. Again, I set the scope out. Listen to the lungs. Lungs are fine. I go nurse suction. There's comes over and the suction doesn't do anything. And then I remember, what's the second step we always take? A radiology x-rays. And God comes rushing in from the side with a mobile x-ray. He's like, come, come, come, come. She takes a full body x-ray so we can really see what's going on in there. I like how this is like a, you know, a 2D side-by-side fighting game and you just tag out. All right, so we've got three points for that. Let's see how that does. Oh, that 20. There is clearly a superior doctor on staff today. Why did I think about the x-ray? You see clear as day that his bones are cracked in such a way that you sit if you simply tip him, they will burst through his cut off feet and plant it like a like a scaffold against the wall so that he can maintain stability long enough for you to both treat his injuries and get him safely up over the ledge, which I'm assuming you ask an assistant to do to pull them up because that's the other reason I got radiology more hands, you know, and I just step back and I let them do it because I'm searching here. And if you ready enough to have even more hands, I have to start writing jamma immediately. Well, Dr. Barnes, why don't you go finish your little jaunt back down the mountain? You got to get this article written. I will. And as I do, I fill my arms like this to show my displeasure. I just want you all to know that. Okay. Do you do the Kermit yellow as you run away? I'm going back to me again. That's not how he goes. Oh, I'm leaving. It's me, Kermit, I'm leaving. You both get in your uber, but unfortunately you both think it's the same uber. See, both hop in and you find yourself seated next to your despised arch rival. Dr. One of you clearly superior. We're not going to say who. Hard to tell. You're driving along and your uber driver takes off, starts to grow across, you know, the golden gate bridge. And he looks back at you, both and goes like, eh, you know it's a cast on his hand. You can sense he's driving. He has like petal shifters up near the steering wheel because he has no feet. He goes like, Doc, Doc, it's me. Yeah, you saved me yesterday twice. He tries to go twice and hold up two fingers, but he only has one. He's like, twice, twice yesterday. And meanwhile, while he's turned back at you, he's drifting the wheel a bit too far to the right, bang right through the guard rail. Into the splash, right? He's knocked on conscious. You are both so fine. Backseat of that car was really secure. See belts on your medical protection. Obviously kept you safe. You're totally unharmed. And you know you can get out easily. But the patient, your patient is unconscious. He's already floating. He's not in water yet, but he's kind of like like this, just a little bit like that. And he obviously couldn't swim to the surface. No feet. One finger. You need to save him. He might be injured. He might be dead. His neck might be broken. He wasn't wearing a seat belt. He kind of flopped all over the place. Bang boom. But then landed right back in his seat. Dr. Barnes, you're not gonna let this chance go to waste. You got to save your patient. You're under water. The car's flooding. What do you do? I pull out my waterproof paper and I write, "Dear Jama, thank God I was prepared for this situation. I pocketed it. I pull out my cassette tape of classical music. Put it in so I can listen to something peaceful while I go to work. And I'm never gonna believe this. I check the lungs. You check the lungs, Dan. Got a fall standard procedure. You can't not fall standard procedure. Can't deviate. Oh, so close. That's right. 20. It was an 18 plus one is 19. So close. He is dead. But at least I get to listen to some violins. Yeah, car floods. He's dead. Magic. Dinner, Dr. Misk, can't save him all. I guess we could end. You know, you just want to give up. But Dr. Misk is, would you give up? Oh, we have a reservation. So, you know, we're driving to. I'm not really uncalled tonight. I just sort of shouldn't do it. Who's on calls? Shouldn't they page someone else? I get out my waterproof paper and just scribble. It's not even language. Just I'll send that later. And then I put that away and I get out my cassette tape of classical music and put that in the car, which we're assuming as a cassette player in it. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Sure. Okay. It starts playing. All good. Oopers do check the lungs. Just to see sounds fine. Not the problem. I reach for my buzz saw. But I notice someone's already taking that step. And then I decide that it's probably neurological. So I grab his patience head and pull his eyes open. And I say follow my nose. Follow my nose. And his eyes. He doesn't lock on at all. He can't track a target. And I know it's neurological. That's the move. Watch a D20. I can smell it. I can feel it. Oh, no, I feel it too. I don't want it. Not quite. That was a four. Oh, that's a close. Yeah. His eyes, you forced to open kind of do one of these where they instantly just like go white late. And then he's dead. That's probably fine. I remember to go to dinner after this. Dr. Burns, dear jammer on my waterproof paper. I can't believe this happened to me. I'll write it later, pocket it, cassette tape in, classical music. Check the lungs. Looks good. Maybe it's neurological. I lift the eyelids. Oh, wow. He's following. Must not be that. You know what? It could be the prostate. I bend them over. Grab my bucket of pocket lube in. Whoa, whoa. Clearly that's the problem. That was really up in there. Don't question this medical professional. He knows what he's doing. You never know how deep the prostate might be. Sometimes it hides. That thing's unruly in there, especially after a car crash. Maybe going all over the place. Anyway, rolling. Oh, not one. Oh, shit. No pun intended. That that prostate was so unruly it pulls you in with it. All right. Oh, it's the optimist way to appreciate that about you. Thanks. Dr. Michigan's waterproof paper. Jammer, mamma, jammer, mamma. Put that away. cassette tape of classical music. Click jamming out. Check the lungs. Sounds fine. Follow my nose. Follow my nose. All right, he's fine. It's not neurological. Maybe it's his prostate. Big 10 gallon thing of lube. Like a ventriloquist dummy all the way in there. Hey, don't get that dinner reservation. Don't worry. I'll get this wrapped up real quick. And then we can get right out there to dinner. And then I turn the patient's head and I say, get her. I hardly know him. And then I take my arm out of his butt. It's prostate. It's fine. Man, that's some medical stuff you can do. You know, um, what could you possibly do? What could you possibly next? Oh, the water, the car is starting to fill with water. And I think, oh, he's recently had several accidents. He lost his feet. And I say, because we're starting to drown. We really got to get out here. We got that dinner reservation. We're sinking into the bay. If we're about pocket nurse, dammit. All right, nurse, nurse comes in, uh, does nurse things. Let's see how that helps. Nat 20, baby. Dr. Mike Skins has done it. Not a Nat 20. It was an 18 by still counts. What a hero. The nurse, I guess actually is a hero, but the doctor made the call to bring in the nurse gets all the credit. Nurse goes on buckles the seat belt opens the door. Perhaps it swips to the surface. The nurse ignores me. And it's like, I'll save him and then actually saves him. Wait, I was just sitting in the back of the, we were like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, it gets out his waterproof paper because you're going to love the next one. We're the dice. Really, I just know me a favor today. Man, it's so good to be on this side of the dice roll bullshit. For once, I swear it always happens to me, not for me. Oh, yeah, it's, it is good for you, Baba. I'm, I'm very proud of you. I mean, I'm just an excellent doctor, I guess. So maybe, well, we'll know if either of you is an excellent doctor at the end of this one, it's still up in the air. I got three saves, man. I'm undefeated. Speaking of up in the air, you two are not up in the air at all. Actually, that's completely a lie. Are helicopter rescue from the water? You, you are at the bank depositing your big bonus checks. One of them slightly bigger than the other, but they're both huge. They're massive checks, right? And so you, the teller goes, next, you both go, oh, you here. Here's my check. You mean the number is big? You don't mean a physically large check? No, they're huge actually. Okay, good. And you can see the numbers. It's $30, but the biggest check you'll ever see. So you can see which one has bigger numbers than the other, and you both are able to get that information, plus everyone else there. When suddenly, behind you, the door, burst, burst open. And you're like, who could possibly be crying? Whoa, you see your patient there with a bomb strapped to his chest, one finger on the trigger of a gun. And he says, the crowd are all, oh, I can't do this help doctors some maniac strapped up on my chest and I had to hobble in here on my new wooden peg legs and they just oh man can you help me you look at the clock it says 10 seconds or minutes not nine it seconds Bob what do you do I don't have my notebook with me so I get my phone out and start a voice memo dear jamma I'll write this down and send it to you later this is a voice memo pardon any mistakes I might make in describing my actions with plenty of time to spare I draw my travels scalpel from my tool belt and I aim for the red wire on the bomb because it's always the red wire and I go yeah and I cut the red wire and save everybody incredible it's it's so close it actually goes through the red wire but it hits him right here it was a 15 plus one really good aim but just a little off the mark he dies but the bomb doesn't go off so you know that's that's pretty good yeah that's pretty good but he's still dead so doctor Barnes no paper to my phone dear jamma watch this shit I go up grab my scalpel audio message cut the red wire watch the shit listen or she bear watch the shit doesn't explode patient looking a little concerning so I know what to do next I check his lungs so are we saying that the bomb is diffuse now so we're just gonna continue on we don't know I don't think it just didn't explode we cut the red wire I'm still here all right let's say it doesn't cut the wire it just killed him for some reason never in below for the last one just to keep the bomb going because I can't have the bomb to start this early so you're gonna go check the lungs right oh yeah okay that's definitely definitely an advantage I go to cut the red wire I cut him and just the way I can listen to the lungs oh my god it was the lungs it was the lungs the bomb was attached to the lungs so you somehow through your scalpel and that I don't know no I wanted this one to go longer the bomb you check his lungs you that also disarmed the bomb jamma watch this shit when you listen to his lung you notice that there was some kind of strange lump in there so you got ahead of a diagnosis that would have caught the lung cancer down the road and also it resonating in his chest was the exact voice imprint of the people that abducted him so you were able to determine their identities from sound resonating in his chest alone and man hero beyond hero he's a great doctor but like I'm making the front page yeah that that is stunning and everyone in the bank is like oh doctor barns doctor barns finally recognition who barns jamma's gonna love me the jamma article is just dear jamma watch this shit and then a pump huge parenthetical that's like rustling noise clicking a phone being set down but this sounds like a scalpel gets drawn running away fute steps running away and sudden distant cheering a voice in the distance says now take a deep breath underneath I'll have a little asset says arrow up recommended operating standard operating procedure I'm changing the game now and is published we have to defuse before we check the lungs all right I'm a call it there I don't think I couldn't come up with any more scenarios in that so I think that'll have to be you got 20s early yeah that was a lot of 20s we didn't have any like 90 step ones today I know the stupid big one went on forever that big one just kept going man and the baseball one for the asteroid that also used to be a huge one yeah more beans all right so congratulations doctors you did great one of you did marginally better than the other I won't say which I'll just count the points the real winner today's jamma so Wade you will start with you you got a point for your real shirt it's very nice you got a level up with your snowblower you did get a segue point from Bob nothing nothing happened don't worry about it to your jamma uh camo mool camo mool camo oh yeah camo oh cuz he was trying to ride him with Alabama and mama jamma and grandma oh right camo and then you won the bank you saved the bank robbery whoo that's six points incredible Bob you kept the bit Robert screw screw sausage gravy the actual segue point they both count you got the operation dinner I hardly know him among other things it made me laugh you got the climbing point and the drowning which leaves you with eight total points to Wade's six so going in the front around way do you have six points Bob you have eight a big advantage huge advantage and just right on time any second now it's gonna yep here it comes there it is the magical wheel how many should we spin wheel eight that'd be a hell of a spin oh guess what it's three again always three only three I want to add to the wheel who remembers the first step the first person that says check the lungs and so we have to remember what the first step is of standard operating I'm gonna forget that tomorrow much less like three months from now when it comes up there that's very long we're gonna have so many medical people in the comments that are so upset they're not no they you guys were textbook that's true I mean you practically wrote the textbook but we wrote the textbook yeah yeah you wrote the textbook so that's all good we'll definitely remember that when it comes up spin number one I'm talking about if we get surprised golf rules and Mark wins all right me have a point all right spin number two not golf rules no accents use any of us use an accent I mean maybe me in describing the patient but he didn't really have an accent I grumbled a lot sometimes that's that not really an accent I think this is rare one where not many accents occurred here so we could yeah I think maybe just for you spin yeah I'll just read it out oh oh lie points absolute value we didn't have any lie points this time did we no lie points yeah we really need to incorporate more lie points we do I need to lie more I lie all the time just so you points for it best mental image oh such a good mental images there are some winners there were really good ones I like Bob throwing the paper away for Trillicus dummy dinner I hardly know her Trillicus is pretty good oh man how do I even decide we're about the x-ray on the side of the mountain if I had to be technical about this Bob I can't give the point to you because you can't conjure a mental image so I'm gonna give it away because I know you were describing a lot of things but I know I know it was a blank slate up there Wade you're gonna get that point that's so me that's like Bob if you picture the point I'll give it to you just got to want it if you see in the tiktok of rage-bating my fat dog with a treat no very funny because everything's like a treat and he goes like this every time he goes forward he's like it's for like five minutes straight and as soon as he opens his hands it stops it's very funny it reminds me the family guy a bit where mr. pewter schmitz driving by the orphanage he's got like a puppy and a bunch of toys in the back so he's like you got it really want it keeps driving the ways that he tries to get in almost at it all right so with that we're done Bob with eight points to Wade seven to my half Bob congratulations for winning this episode doctor my skins that's the first time our point total has ever matched our heights it's not too late to deduct one doesn't affect me anymore all right back down to six all right okay I'm giving you a mean wait I was lying give it back not too late so you get for being nice to Wade I'd ever make short jokes as I said you did it like 30 times but I guess that's whenever you were host you were allowed to what that was the last episode I know I can all right Bob congratulations but I'm gonna let Wade's do his lose his speech first I'm in a familiar spot back at the bottom that's okay because I know jamma appreciates our hard work the lungs were good we did our jobs what is the other a stand for Journal of American Medicine Medical Association oh I had to look up respected medical journals but my favorite Everyone was this is I saw jama was like that's a fun one. Yeah, sorry wait on your loss Bob congratulations. You're a winter speech, please That's going smoothly. There we go Dear Jama Another successful day as a doctor. You're welcome that I'm part of the shitty profession right so fast You have no idea. You think I save lives quickly. I don't know why I'm tilting my head like this either Sometimes the dice are in your favor and or you're just a superior medical doctor and one of those things is definitely true About me today We will never say which ones wish. Thank you everybody so much for listening and are watching Hope your theaters of your minds. We're working over time today, and if you could save them better No, you couldn't you're not a doctor like these two definitely are I am not a doctor either So I am not legally liable for being sued for any reason of impersonating one. Thank you. Have a good day There's merch on the site distractable dot shop and if you find it fashionable you can buy that Iron lung in theaters already. It's already happened. You already know that it was a big scam just my let's play up there For running twice actually because I had to fill the time But thank you so much for giving me all of your money and ticket sales and I will never regret it as long as I live I will run away into the woods now and never be seen again. This has been Bob and Wade You can find them at my scrim lord menu 777 or minion 7777. I'm Markiplier. Have a lovely day podcast out Watch new episodes on spotify