Withhold Sex (Unless You Want Something)

Hey guys, Brian here with a big announcement from New Chris and Impress. Possibly our most important book yet is now available for pre-order. It's called "The Long House, How Feminism Conquered the West, and Made us All Miserable." And in it, Eric and I take you through the dark history of feminism. What it's done to everything from politics, to church life, to the economy, and what to do about it. Pre-order it today at www.newchristenimpress.com/longhouse And as a thank you for pre-ordering, you'll get 10% off automatically. We'll also be signing the first thousand copies, so pick yours up today. In our current series here on Bright hearth, we're giving you the blueprints for a wrecked house. The whole thing is of course inspired by Solomon's words in Proverbs 141. The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down. In this series, we're naming all of the creative ways in which we might seek to sabotage our own homes. Today's episode is one of the worst. This is a sin that cuts to the heart of the marriage covenant. The title gives it away rather pointedly, withhold sex from your husband, unless you want something. This woman is tearing her own household down around her by weaponizing the marriage bed. She uses sex as a bargaining chip, offering it when she wants something from her husband, and withholding it when she's angry, disappointed, frustrated, or just otherwise wants to punish him. She may not say the words out loud, her body language, and coldness make it very clear. Indomacy is no longer a gift of joyful union, but a tool of manipulation and control. She becomes sexually frigid and withholding, turning what God designed to be a place of mutual delight and one flesh union into a silent battleground. While God says that her body belongs to her husband and his to her, she acts like it's her own private property, never to be given freely, only to be used as currency for control or rented via some payment. She's made sex into the carrot and the stick, in other words, and it's not just destroying her husband, but her own self as well. In this episode, we'll be going to the roots of this sin, teaching you how to see it clearly, give it its right name, and turn from it in repentance and faith. We'll seek as well for a clear description of what it would look like to walk in that repentance for the long haul, turning the marriage bed from a weapon back into a place of joy union and love. This is how to ruin your life Part 8 withhold sex from your husband unless you want something. Thanks for joining us. Welcome back to Brightheart, everybody. No noises in the house now, hopefully. No, we had like a stampede going on moments ago. I had to start the cold open three to six different times. It's because our children are now the size of juvenile elephants. Some of them at least. Yeah, like you know how big a 13 year old is guys? Have you ever seen a 13 year old man in the wild? They're giant. They're all also trying to get out the door to go to the park. He's just right by our door. He's far taller than you. Is he? Are he? I don't know. Oh, he's taller than you are. He's towering over you. In fact, I'm worried that I'm going to lose my alpha dominance in the home soon, and he's going to be taller by the end of the summer. I'm going to have a 14 year old looking down on me, but only physically because I will still I can still deadlift more than him by a lot. So that's the main metric. In the comments, guys, let me know if I'm still dominant over my 14 year old if I can deadlift him, but he if I can out deadlift him, but he's still taller than me. Tell me which who's dumb. I know biblically I'm still in charge, but I mean in terms of the packing order of the wolf pack, like, do I need a compensate in some way to maintain my dominance? Let me know in the comments. And welcome to this episode of Bright Hearts. How are we doing today, babe? I'm great. What? What was that? What was that? I just realized I numbed my whole sleeve inside out. I know. I know you did. And I really want to cheeseburger because I'm laughing really hard when she told me. But here's the thing, guys, I've put it on so many times and didn't notice and have loved it. And the people I've shown are like, it's so cute. And it's all solid one color. So you can't really tell, but I know now. So it's bugging me. She keeps using all these terms. She's like, well, I've knit the sweater inside out, but don't worry. It's just to rag a luff and turn a turnpike on the double four down with the with the hoof beats. It's just a different stitch. I used a correct stitch, but in the wrong place, it's fine. I think it'll be fine. Also, I've been taking Eric's advice and doing that whole thing in the morning. But guess what? It's making me way hungrier. So I'm super hungry now. I might drive up the road and get a cheese. But man, can you identify with me and constantly telling your wife, drink water, eat more. These are not hard things to remember. Speaking of drinking water, be in the kitchen today. What what should I title it? I don't even know. Yeah, that's a good point. You're going to be doing it in the kitchen on some simple practical ways for a wife to be what? Like to set herself up for a good success in the marriage bed. There you go. Yeah, from a physical standpoint. So that one's going to be just for the ladies, but should be helpful. And that is our our patron show. We do every week. So if you like what we do here, chip in a little bit on Patreon. And we give you early and add free access to episodes in the kitchen as a podcast. There's other stuff too. But mainly if you like what we do here and you think it should exist, and you think an episode of Breiharth is worth as much as a dollar to a dollar 50. Then jump on board, help us out. And we can keep making the show. I'm excited to be here talking about this topic though. Yeah, it's an important topic. Yeah, because we got to fix women. And I don't know if my song has done it yet. You guys tell me now in the future July 27th or or whenever this comes out roughly, you tell me did my song. This one's for the darkness fix women because I suspect that though I had high hopes that it didn't actually do it completely. So we're still going to need to do Breiharth. I thought it might end the need. We'll see, but here we are. This is one of those things that is just really bad. There's no way around it. And I think that this sin pattern reveals some of the double standards we have in our current dino centric world about male and female sins to where like if a man wanders from the marriage sexually, he is of course despicable and has sinned deeply and he's done violence to and it's all and like culturally people would look down on him quite a lot. Okay. And yet a correspondingly bad sin would be to shut down the marriage bed completely for a woman to turn sex into a manipulation tool. She's sending in the same category as him. And I don't think we see it that way. Yeah, culturally. Yeah, that's that's true. Double standards abound when it comes to the topic of sex in the marriage bed. I think. And like she's he owes her fidelity. The corresponding like positive duty to her then is she owes him sex. They owe one another sex and they don't want another fidelity. And you can't do that without fidelity and activity in the marriage bed go together. Yes, especially when you understand that for a man like the core another corresponding sin would be is if a husband just decided he wasn't going to talk to his wife anymore every three months he would talk to her. Well, obviously we'd go that's a really bad husband. But a wife who's like, eh she's allowed she's allowed to not have sex with him for as long as she wants really and it's fine because she's not in mood or she doesn't feel like it if I'm out of love or whatever done excuse they give it's just really bad. It's very common. And even when you think about there are there are many stories of husbands who did cheat on the wife after many sometimes years of sexual withholding where like she literally did have sex with him for years and he cheated on her which is a sin still. Yeah. And yet it's humanly speaking a sin that you're like, well, what did you expect? Yeah. It's kind of like when you don't teach your kids train them discipline them and then you've provoked them to wrath and they're full of wrath or they're full of sin. Like what did you expect? It doesn't excuse it on their part. They're still not allowed to sin. There's reaping and sowing. Yeah, but what did you expect? Yeah. You know, like what what did you think was going to happen when you did that? What did you think your husband was going to like you and be nice to you and provide for you and do all of these things when you couldn't even be bothered to be nice to him and kind to him and warm to him and have sex with him. Like there's all these obvious things that right now in our culture women are typically protected from the consequences of their own actions. And our culture tends to or women in our culture today tend to be wildly allergic to consequences where they don't. That's a good way to put it in accountability. They're like, oh no, the inevitable results of my own actions. Why did the world do this to me? And you're like my sister in Christ, you did that to you. What are you what are you fussing about here? Like those are called consequences for your own actions or if you You like try to hold women accountable for things. Everybody freaks out. So I'm loosened up, it's time to go. Let's talk about the problem. Let's, I think we should just, let me briefly work through some of the relevant passages of scripture because these are not like, you know, maybe it would be good. These are just comments. First Corinthians seven is one of the key texts. We read the husband should give to his wife for conical rights, likewise the wife to her husbands. It's both directions. The wife doesn't have authority over home body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband doesn't have authority over his own body, but the wife does. So, you know, Paul concludes do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a limited time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come back together again so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control. So it's just very plain in this passage here. There is no room for extended celibacy, barring medical reason or some very obvious, like Paul's not dumb. He knows if someone got blown up in a car accident or something and they need to recover or having a baby, like there's normal life while getting blown up in a car accident is normal life. But you know what I mean? There's reasons, but you're not allowed to just voluntarily say, "Hey, we're not gonna have sex unless it meets these conditions." It's mutual, both of you agree. So if one of you doesn't agree, you don't do it. And so that you can devote yourself to prayer. So you're not distracted by earthly things like sex, but then you can devote yourself to prayer for a time and then come back together. Why so that the devil doesn't get you? In other words, have sex with your husband, have sex with your wife, or the devil will get you. (bell rings) You know how they say they don't make things like they used to? Well, now we do. Edwin's heirlooms is a family run business that provides handmade wooden toys for all ages. 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Visit FrenchwithMadomLee.com/Hearth and use code hearth. All caps to receive an additional 10% off. Paul is just like, I don't know how to put this more clearly, guys. I've never thought about it like that. You've got to like, do you want the devil to get you? Then be absent in marriage. First Corinthians 7, too, says because of temptation to sexual immorality, this sets off the whole passage. Each man should have his own wife. Each should have her own husband. We see commands in scripture, unjoyful sexual intimacy like Proverbs 5, 18, and 19. Let your fountain be blessed. Rejoice in the life of your youth. A lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight. Be intoxicated always in her love. Song of Solomon speaks beautifully of marital intimacy. How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride? How much better is your love than wine and the fragrance of your oils than any spice? She says, let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth for your love is better than wine. Hebrews 13-4 commands marriage to be held in honor among all and let the marriage bed be undefiled because God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Genesis 2 laid out the purpose from the beginning. Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife and they shall become one flesh. And of course, pro-creation follows. So these are clear, obvious passages of scripture where God says do this. And so we are not free to say, I am going to do not that. When God says do this and you say, I'm going to do not that. What do you call that, babe? That's a sin, that's right. That is correct. It is a sin. Did you have something you wanted to, you're looking through a book over there. (upbeat music) In 2023, indigo's sundries became one of our sponsors. At the time, their business was little more than a side hobby generating just a few hundred dollars a month. But because of their partnership with us and because all of you chose to support them, they've grown enough to make it their full-time livelihood. This is what happens when Christians support Christians. Our communities are strengthened and faithful businesses thrive. So if you're a Christian business owner who wants to reach thousands of like-minded people and grow your company, we'd love to partner with you. Email us at [email protected]. Well, I just like the way, so this is gouge. I like why he goes into it being called do benevolence to one another. He says, as it is called benevolence because it must be performed with good will and delight, willingly, readily and cheerfully. So it is said to be do because it is a debt which the wife owe it to her husband and he to her. For the wife hath not the power of her own body, but the husband in likewise also the husband hath not the power of his own body, but the wife. I just like that he highlights that it's supposed to be done in good will. It's not something that's supposed to be a check of the box for a jid, three minutes. Like, yeah, you know. Yeah, let's talk about that because I think it'd be good for us to outline the positive command. What does it look like, I guess is the question to positively obey this command? And you just brought up a good point that we don't ever call full obedience to a command begrudging, I'm gonna do this with as grumpy a face as I possibly can do. And I'm gonna get it over as quick as possible. Like, we wouldn't ever look at our children if you say sweep the floor and they stomp over and they throw the chairs out of the way and they sweep them, you know, move the dirt around for a second, throw the broom back in the closet and say, there, I swept your dang floors, mom. And that child would be in pain on their bottom moments later. Because they have an obeyed. They have an obeyed all the way right away with a happy heart. And so when we're talking about the conjugal rights, the conjugal duty of a husband and a wife, both of them ought to come to hold the marriage bed and honor with an eagerness, with a joy, with a love, with a warmth. We should be putting our backs into this, not doing it half-heartedly. What else would you add? - Yeah, just, I mean, I think for why have so much of it as mental and grappling with that cheerful aspect of it, it genuinely can be hard, but it has to be grappled with or else you're still falling short of the command. So, I mean, if it were me, I would just be reading this section over and over again, praying through it, thinking about it, understanding it's part of the job description I legally committed to. - Yeah, that's a good point in the marriage covenant. - Yeah, I mean, when you covenant, we forget that. We are agreeing to a set of job descriptions. - Yeah, one of the ways the scripture gives instruction marriage, like the logic of the instruction, is actually that both spouses are, before God commanded to try to make the other person's job easier. So, when a husband loves his wife really well, he is making it easier for her to respect and honor him. It doesn't guarantee it. He can be doing a good job and she can be sending and there can be that kind of inequality, for sure. When she is submitting to him, respecting him, honoring him, obeying him as the church is to submit to the Lord, it makes it easier for him to love her and cherish her and nourish her and be interested in her and want to lead her and love her well. So, that's part of the logic here is that both of us, both the husband and the wife ought to be thinking all the time. How can I make your job easier? How can I bless you? Not just how can I get what I need or what I want, but how can I bless you? And I think you've pointed out a lot in the past that when it comes to the marriage bed, the way the wife does that is by also learning to enjoy it herself. Like that blesses the husband. One question she should be asking herself. Just like he should be asking that question, what would make my wife feel extremely loved today, this week, this month, this year, or what would make her feel very loved? 'Cause that's my job, I'm supposed to love her really well. And there are subjective aspects to that that are unique to her and knowing her frame and being a man who studies his wife. And then there are general things that are true of virtually all women. Same goes for a husband and wife. She should be asking, okay, zero in on the marriage bed. What would make him feel really honored and respected and delighted? What would make it when I think about the commands in Proverbs 5, 18 and 19 that I read, that a man ought to let his wife's breasts fill him, we probably should have said children, this is not really a great episode for you anyway. Late discussion. disclaimer. She should be thinking, okay, he's commanded to let my breasts fill him with delight and to rejoice in me, in my body, my sexual relationship. What would make that really easy for him? What would make that really good for him? And the thing is, ladies, you're smart. You know, and there are maybe things like you should communicate together and talk and figure out, but like, okay, some obvious ones. You know, I wonder if my husband would really like it if I would flirt with him sexually in a text message or once the kids are in bed or if he would like it if I would be enticing to him. I don't know, like, hmm, it's a mystery. I wonder if my husband would really like it if I was like eager to have sex with him. I have no idea. I wonder if my husband would be like, would he prefer it if I was just like, well, here I am, have sex with me. Or if he would like it better if I was like, I, we're going to have a good time tonight, babe, because I am into this. I wonder which one of those, like, ladies know this, just like a husband knows, hmm, would my wife like it if I was surly and did not speak to her today? But I did technically pay the bills. Or would she like it more if I paid the bills, but was also nice to her and talked to her? He's not wondering about that. He's a sinner. And so when he does the surly thing, he's being a sinner. But like, he did, he knew, and a lot of this is just that. Like, you, you just have to put effort into it and thought and it wouldn't go, oh, I love this man. I want him to love me and be faithful to me. Like, I have a lot of expectations to him. I wonder what would bless him. And then like, let your imagination run wild within the lawful bounds of God's word. There's, I don't have to spell it out for you. Holy like, you know what I'm saying. And I guess what I'm getting at is that when we talk about withholding sex as a sin, or using it manipulatively or just falling short in the duties of a wife to her husband in terms of their conjugal relationship, that we're not just talking about the technical act of intercourse. We're talking about an attitude, a spirit, warmth. We're talking about the, with a happy hard aspect of obedience that we teach our children. So this would include things like receptivity, interest, warmth, zeal, energy, proactivity. Do you agree, like, see what I'm saying? Yeah, I think that's what I'm trying to say is if she realizes that part of the mark of success is her learning to enjoy it because he likes her enjoying it, then she gets why it's not okay to do it half-heartedly. It's still not success. We've talked before on bright hearth. Something that I've said a lot, I say in pre-marital counseling, I say it when it comes up in the pulpit passages like Proverbs 5 or Hebrews 13, that part of the sexual relationship, the dance in a marriage, when it's going really well, is that a husband is understanding how a wife works and how she thinks and he's knowing her and knowing female psychology as God made it. And she's understanding male psychology and how he, and there's differences to each spouse, but there are general patterns between the sexes. And so there are truisms like this, that his job and focus in the marriage bed ought to be in pleasing her. And if you just think about how a man works, he wants to be, he's motivated in the Proverbs by honor. You should want honor, you should want glory. And so which is more glorious? A man who wins a woman and can please a woman or a man who doesn't win a woman and can't please her, but maybe like he can have sex technically. Well, he wants to please her. And so his focus is on pleasing her. And in pleasing her, he's pleased. Like that's just physically, emotionally, sexually, that's all true. But then her focus has to be yes on pleasing him. Of course, she wants to please him. But understanding that pattern about him, she also needs to understand that therefore one of the greatest ways to please him is by being pleased by him. And I think it's really important for Christian women to grapple with this, because we swim in the waters of feminism that tells us sex is all about him getting what he wants. And this can even be hard within the Christian realm, because it's like all service-oriented. It's just a weird spot to be like, actually, I'm supposed to really get something out of this too. Yeah. She is, she will need to learn, especially like, think newlyweds. They're figuring out this marriage bed thing. They have to figure out like the dance, how it works. And God made it such that it just takes more focus, more energy, more effort for her to be pleased than him. Yes, right. Yeah. Physically, she has to figure it out. But mentally, she also has to stop eating the lie that feminism is told her he's a pig. It's all about him. That's why he wants sex again tonight instead of like, no, actually, he wants to be in communion with you. He wants to help you figure out how to enjoy this too. He will be patient with you figuring out how to enjoy it. He will help you figure out how will you listen to him? Are you able to, I mean, you brought this up recently when we were talking about the history of hysteria in the DSM, is it the DSM V, right? Yes, in five. Yeah. I don't know which one they're on or when. Well, just like how they took it out, like it used to be an actual mental illness category that we had. Yeah. I was reading about how they had often tied it to the point of the author was that it was often tied to lesbianism, hysteria tied to lesbianism. If you look at the ancients who were talking about it, they understood it was a it was a leaving of the normal sexual act with men to go with women and you had kind of pointed out it really does say something about the character of a woman who is able to relax enough to be free with her husband. And I've thought about that a lot since you said that because I think that can play into some of this. You have to be able to relax enough. And if you're so at on edge about your marriage and you're annoyed at every little thing that you're holding against him and bitterness, well, there's a reason you don't enjoy it. And there is genuinely a lot to unpack there. And it's kind of sad because when you think of some of this, I've listened to different, like I guess you could say sex therapists for lack of better term, Christian and not Christian. And it's really sad with the the unbelieving ones, like Christians understand you press through even though you're working through these issues, you're learning to communicate about them more, you're learning about one another more, the way God made your body and the world and all that stuff. But like there's this weird thing with the unbelieving ones where it's like, well, until you unpack that baggage, it's all unhold. So the woman is still calling the shots and she's still setting the pace. And like that's actually not how you work through that though. No, cheerfully with Zeal going about our duties, all of them, including sexual duties. That is the way to work through the way to work through problems in your marriage is not to just say, well, sex is the thing that only works when we're perfectly in fellowship. So instead of that, God actually designed sex as one of the means through which you get in fellowship. I have an acquaintance who calls sex his wife's reset button, which is I think not an un, it's an apt concept at least that, you know, it is funny how this works. Like maybe you're prickly with each other, there's something going on and you're like, just not quite in sync. And then for what, however it happens, you just like have sex and it was good. And you're, it's amazing. 93% of the things you were annoyed about, you realized they weren't actually annoying. You just were not quite in fellowship. And God actually built this thing to help you with your marital intimacy in fellowship and in sex. And so you should have it. Yeah, I think years ago, I mean, I understood this, but I had never had anyone articulated this way. For me, it was Laurie, the transformed wife who was talking about women always crave intimacy from their husband, but they want every other sort of intimacy except sexual intimacy. And that's the tool God created in marriage to give them that intimacy. Yeah, it's, yes, it is about sitting on the couch together and going on walks and whatever, but you can do all those things and still avoid the main thing that God created to give you intimacy and marriage and not be fulfilled for that reason. Because you have this like feminized view of it instead of like, well, hold on, how did God make men and women to work together? And that's where intimacy comes from. I'm just touched out, the kids were touching me all day. I'm just, why can't he kiss me without wanting something else? What has to develop? And am I, you're complaining that your husband wants to be close to you? And again, that's that view of feminism that was literally just honestly a blatant lie that they started slandering about men in general that men are only about it for themselves. And they're trying to oppress women and put them in a prison via sex in the home. They don't leave the bedroom. Yeah, like understanding male and female psychology has God made it really does help to explain some of the reasons behind our sins and the patterns of our sin. Like typically when a woman commits adultery, when she goes in sheets. She doesn't do that a lot of the time unless she has totally stopped loving and caring about her husband. For what maybe he was cold and distant, maybe it was all her fault, whatever. She is no longer interested in him and she's actually seeking this like union interest, affection, all of that insects. Whereas for men, a man can actually still like generally love his wife and it could be going well and he can be like at a bar on a work trip or something and just be sexually tempted by the mere physicality of the act and then be like what an idiot. And you see both of those play in different directions, but these are telling us something about the nature of the relationship where for the wife sex is much less of like a central aspect of an intimacy as she often thinks about it. She's wrong about that. It actually is really central, but she tends to think about it in terms of the total how I feel about the person, how I feel about our relationship together and then sex is like this thing over on the side or a piece of it. And so to the husband, it's more like sex is at the center of what differentiates this relationship with this woman from anybody else. And it is one of the chief ways that I express my love interest. And one of the chief feelings I feel when I think about loving this woman is sexual interest in her. And that's not bad. No, it's just different. That's how God designed the man. Yeah. And so she looks at it and says, well, it's like that. He's reducing me to this merely physical thing. And he doesn't care about the other parts. And it's like, that's actually not true at all. You're complaining that you're married to a man. Yeah. Exactly. A mistake because you're ultimately then you're filing your complaint at the husband, but it's actually going to God's inbox because he made the man. He's the one who did that. So when he gives these commands, he's doing them for her good and for his good. Part of the reason even when you understand this is because God is telling a parable and marriage of Christ in the church, this mystery that's now manifested according to Paul in Ephesians 522 onward, when a woman is withholding sex or using sexism manipulation tool in the marriage, she is preaching something false about Christ in the church. She is basically saying the church ought not to be interested in union with Christ. She's preaching something that does violence to the heart of the parable. Just like when he refuses to love his wife, he's doing violence to the gospel parable because he's saying Christ doesn't love his bride. Well, that's a lie. Christ does love his bride. And it's a lie. The church ought to submit to and have intimacy union with Christ. The life of the church is in union with Christ, the head. And so there's more going on here than we understand. It's not just neurons and nerve endings and hormones. It's actually something God is teaching the world and putting on display in the marriage. So, practically, though, backing up, what does this sort of manipulation look like in practice? Like, how can a woman know if she's walking this in? I mean, I guess she can look at her last month's calendar. What do you mean? Don't you think like frequency of this can show whether or not she's using it potentially as a, as a tool for harm? Yeah, explain what you mean to the listener. Like, I know what you mean, but yeah, just is, I think there should be the, the ideal is frequency regularity in the marriage bed. So if you're not meeting that goal, you should be asking yourself more questions. Why not? Am I using this the wrong way? What is going on that I could or should fix to make this better? What conversations am I avoiding having? Yeah, because I think some, yeah, obviously there's sin involved. Sometimes that it's too just like, I don't know how to have these awkward conversations to press forward. So just being like a little more self-reflective about that particular part of your marriage, I think can help move the needle towards more and more frequency. Yeah, what would you say like looking back over a month? And I'm not talking about there are realities with aging and things like that. And ultimately, the frequency is like, is everybody satisfied and happy with with how things are going? But I mean, let's talk about a 20s or 30s couple, you look back over the calendar. What would be a red flag to you in terms of frequency? I would say like once a week, like three times a month. I would say something's going on. Yeah, you're like, what's what's happened? That should be like a diagnostic. There you go. Maybe, maybe it was busy. Maybe someone got sick, but like hang on. We only had sex three times this month. Is that really sound like frequent? We were in the same bed 30 times. You know, I think that's yeah, I would say and part of even now is I'm like, so I just finished a like a six month course through a fertility class with a specific German method of charting. And I had to work with actual charts from real patients. Fornicators have sex about three times a month. And they tell me their health history, whether or not they're married, if they have kids, if they're postpartum, if they're nursing, I get all the information. And it was honestly shocking to me to see that and be like, wow. Married people have more sex than people fornicating. So if you are falling in that category of, you know, just a couple times a month, why? Yeah. Are you too busy? Do you hate each other's guts? Are your nighttime practices militating again? That's true too. Even more than that, there are practical things. Even more than that, I think, especially for the purposes of this episode, thinking about sin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What does it look like in practice? I'm thinking more of like the frequency will show up later. Yes. But you okay, I know how are you talking to him? I was going to say, how are you responding to his advances? Are you moving away quickly in the kitchen? Yeah. Are you, like, are you undressing and hiding quickly in the bathroom when you're getting changed? Are you, are you sleeping in different beds? Yeah, people do you sleep in different rooms? Trying to think of some other ones that I know of. When he sends a signal, okay, he sees you get out of the shower and he sends a signal, could be a word, could be a touch, could be whatever gives you the eye, the eyes of love. How are you doing? He's hit the tennis ball over the net. You just let it dribble onto the back of the fence and you walk off because that's really frustrating to a man time and time again. If four out of five times that he makes an advance, she goes, I know where this is going. I don't have time for this. I'm not interested in this. I'm not going to hit the ball back over the net and see where it goes. And the female response is receptive to be receptive and respondent kind. Yeah. So learning how to hit the ball back over the net is really important for a woman. Yes. And recognize that your husband is putting the ball over your net probably a lot more than you might even be aware of if you are walking in this sin. Yeah, that's true. Like he's probably giving, if he sends you a flirtatious text and you ignore it or you go, I can't answer that one. I'll have to keep going. If he gives you a little pad on the bottom in the kitchen when you're cooking, do you give him like a look, a nice look back and like, you know, kids are gonna be in bed soon. Or do you just completely ignore it? Are you responding to his small sink? Because women a lot of times think, well, he doesn't initiate that often. Maybe he doesn't. That is a real problem today. Low testosterone. There's lots of reasons. However, maybe he is. And you just haven't learned how to hit the first volley back over the net very effectively. And so you're actually just you are stopping the game before it unfolds. And then a lot of men will fall into passivity because he should be more, he should not be so easily knocked off of the course. If he knows that sex is good for him and his wife and she doesn't just return the first advance, he should be like, I am hitting on you right now. Yeah, you should be more obvious about it. Don't don't let there be any room for her to be able to question and even say, well, I it wasn't obvious. So that's why I didn't respond. And when there's like a an embarrassment or a shit like you can get in a fight really easily sometimes when it comes to sex. Because you know, one little thing goes off the rails or she doesn't respond as he thinks she should or he doesn't do something right. And then she gets miffed and then all of a sudden there's the cold shoulder and she rolls over and like it's easy to stop the train. Quickly. And if that's happening a lot, it means that one or both of you has really thin skin and you need to cover offenses and be militantly and ruthlessly and insistently cheerful. And that is going to solve a lot of the problems where you just go, I'm not going to be offended easily. A husband protects and provides for his family. He leads and works to grow legacy while praying earnestly for it and hedging against short-term calamities. Your family prepares is the estate in order? Do you have the right life insurance in place? These aren't things you want to figure out in a moment of grief. That's why Brian and I trust backwards planning financial. Joe Garracy helped us build a plan for our family so while we grow, we're also ready in case something were to happen. He does the same for many other Christian households and can include biblically responsible investing. Find him at backwardsplanningfinancial.com or call 615-767-2555. Backwards planning financial is a DDA and five investors LLC, and SEC writes your investment advisor. It's sometimes for informational purposes only. It's not investment tax legal returns, it's a medical representative, all kinds of experiences, and do not guarantee future results. Brian, I've been using this new Bible app that lets me use tabs to browse multiple scriptures at once. Aren't most Bible apps built for surface level reading and cluttered with daily devotionals and all sorts of distractions? Bible One is designed for more serious readers. They've stripped away the distractions to give you a clean offline experience, focused entirely on scripture. You can open multiple tabs and follow cross references easily with the back button. Man, I just went to BibleOneApp.com and I'm seeing this is 100% free. It doesn't require a sign-up and contains zero ads. Man, everybody should search for Bible One in the Apple App Store or Google Play Store. Because it can just be awkward when you're learning, especially early in marriage when you're learning the dance, like women get miffed really easily because of something or he gets annoyed that she's not reading his mind because she hasn't learned to see him putting the tennis ball over than that yet. And so he's like, I do not know how to make it more clear that I'm interested in you and it's like flirting with a brick wall. What is happening? You know, you were real flirty when we were dating and you were all over. You wanted me and now all of a sudden it's like I could literally smack you on the bottom in the kitchen and you have no idea that it is a sexual signal. And I think that's where women need to learn to see it as a Christian virtue to be able to flirt with their husbands and not just like some like, yeah, I don't know. Which is why I think it's so important that we understand that withholding sex isn't just about how many times in recent past have we had sex. That's part of it. Yeah. But it's actually much, much more like 80% at least about are you warm, receptive, flirty, happy, cheerful, interested in him, smiling at him, suggestive to him, giving him the eyebrows, giving him a couple more of these. Like he, again, kids don't listen to this. Your husband touches your butt. What do you do? Do you push it in or do you like, oh, stop, you know, and there's an oh stop that's like flirty. But then there's like a I have just touched a brick wall, not the bottom of my life. And he, she almost needs to think of like in the movies, when the director wants everybody to know that this is a flirty woman who's, who's down for business. Usually that's a bad thing in the movie because they're a bunch of fornicators. How do they signal it? She smiles at the men. She is, she moves a certain way. Yeah. Her countenance is a certain way. She is feminine like she is a woman. It is obvious that she is a woman and he is a man and they know what that means. Like if a director in Hollywood can make it obvious to everybody watching what is happening with this woman, she is inviting sexual relations. And that's usually a bad thing in the movies once again. Like don't, don't, don't imitate them all the way. What they're doing though is they're showing that we all know what it looks like. Yes. Yes. All women know what it looks like to be sexually flirtatious with a man. Yes. Well, now you have a man you are commanded by God to be sexually flirtatious towards. So are you doing it? Yeah. And if not, why not? Is it because you want to punish him? Is it because you want to signal that you are not happy with him? Is it because you want to show that like you are really frustrated about two or three or five or seven things? Oh, you looked at your phone too much today or oh, you didn't do that chore I wanted you to do or oh, you were this or you were thinking is okay. So yes, you need to learn to get over those things and have sex anyways. I believe also some some of it might be you just need to figure out the actual appropriate tool for dealing with that situation and it's not the marriage bed. It's not the marriage bed. Maybe you guys need to be disciplined about turning off Netflix once in a while in order to have the conversation. And here's the way the marriage bed is a tool in that conversation. If you think you're if you are dissatisfied with the amount of interest your husband is showing you which fundamentally a lot of marriage problems for women come back to that. My husband is not interested in me adequately. He's distracted. He works too much. He does this too much. What do you think will win him better? Being unpleasant to be around or being the most pleasant possible place in the world. And that is very sexual for a man. Oh, it's why I said what I did a couple episodes ago about the video game question. If you're annoyed about it, I know an easy solution. That's right. I'm sorry. I you sure you want to play extra today. It's not it isn't hard. Women do like to play dumb and be coy. It's not that hard. And here's the dumb thing women will do. It'd be like no, but I want her to be interested in me not just having sex with me. So if I have to do that to get his attention like that shows he doesn't care about me. No, honey, it shows he actually really cares about you and is really interested in you. And actually wants to be with you. And the slightest interest in him, he will leap. A lot of I know men aren't like men will sin and some men are less sexually interested than they should be. And the mismatch can go both directions. We've got questions where it's like, hey, what do I do for my husband doesn't want to have sex have them. And that's bad. That happens. But genuinely, ladies, like you just have to think about it that way. My husband doesn't talk to me enough. Are you really pleasant to talk to? My husband, he works too hard. Are you really pleasant to be around? My husband, he's on his phone too much. Do you show him your breasts enough? Like legitimately, there are solutions. The man has duties and responsibilities and we, you know, speak to them. He shouldn't be on his phone all the time. He shouldn't be doing those things. He should work hard, but he should be present for his wife. He should talk to her. He should lead her well. He should nourish and cherish her. All those things are true. Are you offering good alternatives though? But are you making it easy? Are you like, man, how could I possibly get my husband to drop everything and be totally focused on me? Because I can think of about five to 10 ways any given night of the week. And a lot of them have to do with getting back to nakedness without shame in the marriage bed, where if you were like, I am going to parade myself sexually before my husband in a luring and inviting way where I am, I am the message I'm sending to him is I am desperately interested in your sexual advances tonight. And it's now the time and the doors locked and the kids are going to knock and I'm going to say, go away. It ain't time the hats on the knob. Go to bed. Go read your book. You go eat a snack. I don't care. Have the whole jar of peanut butter right now. It doesn't matter kids because mommy and daddy are having some mommy and daddy time. And you make it so clear to your husband like tonight, we're going for it. And I'm not taking no for an answer. And the man should really be like, there's a sexual dance here. The man should be making an advance. But a lot of times women aren't recognizing the advance that he is making and hitting the ball back over the net. And so the solution is like, and he's learned this learned helplessness of like, I'm just what can I do? And I think two ladies have to learn, especially in busy seasons of life. And maybe this is a different question from the marriage bed. But like also romanticize the fact that he came home again tonight. It doesn't always you shouldn't be so high maintenance either about this that you're going to be frigid until he shows up with a new diamond ring and roses and candle. Like that also is a type of withholding that isn't appropriate either. Yeah. And once he has won you, you need to be easily winnable at that point. Let me let's walk through some scenarios because I think this helps put some skin in like skin in the game. It helps see what this looks like. All right, it is a Saturday. Okay. And it's like, I don't know, middle of the day, some of the kids are riding their bikes outside, whatever husband looks over and he sees his wife in her workout shorts because they have the home gym. And he's like, and you are, you're looking really nice right now. I enjoy the outfit you've chosen chosen to wear. You wear it well. You lady. And he gives a signal. What should she do? And he goes to his lap and he says, you know, like our doors lock. I know it's Saturday at noon, but like the doors lock and like, because there's times for like extended kids are in bed. You have all the time in the world. But there's also time for like, for lack of better words, the quickie. You know, it would probably serve your husband really well, right? Then if she said, yeah, they follow me. And she's thinking to herself, what if the kid skins his knee and the laundry's about to come out of the thing and like, man, I've got to get what is what is what is going to happen for lunch today? And the reality is like, it would be so much better for her nine times out of 10. I'm sure he'll help you get lunch on the table. Yeah. Just say five, ten minutes. What's that? What's that going to do? Exactly. So, okay, worst case scenario right now. A kid skins his knee and we get interrupted. Okay, that happens. Worst case probably won't though. Worst case scenario, kids go to nap, 13 minutes late today. What is going to happen to the world? Will it tilt off of its axis? Will your home crumble to the ground? Will the children instantly die? No. What will happen to your husband though? If he puts the ball over the net, he like gives you a little signal there in the home gym on a Saturday at noon. And you say, come on, baby, let's go. He probably he's probably going to, you know, be riding that for like a month. What if there's that thing that you know he really likes it when you do? Or he really likes or he really wants to do and he's interested in it. What if you did it? What if you initiated? What if you were what if what if another bright heart baby? We're going to have so many bright heart babies resulting from this episode. And I'm here for it. Go have a bright heart baby children. I said children, not children. Go have a bright heart baby listeners. Okay, what about another scenario? Let's say that it's like later at night. It's like 9.45 10, which is pretty late to us. So I know that doesn't sound late to a lot of you, whatever 9.45 10 o'clock. You guys have already gone through your bedtime routine. Like normally if you were going to do it, it would have been earlier. Kids were in bed and it was time. And you know, all of a sudden the husband kind of gives you a look like, you know, I just thought that you were looking kind of nice right now. She's hit the ball over the net. What should she do? She should respond. She should understand the assignments. She what happens? Hit the ball back over the net. I do think it's pivotal though, because at this point a woman can do two things. She can set she can set herself up for chemical failure. This is going to be horrible. I'm exhausted. It's not going to work. This is only for him. Get it over with. She's telling herself all those thoughts versus. I've been preparing for this all day. Drink my water. Took my magnesium. See the episode. Let's go. And a lot of the time. What happens when in when there's a mismatch in libido? If the the spouse who is the the lower libido will respond by hitting the ball back over the net and saying yes, accepting the invitation. And then shushing those thoughts. Yes. They will get into it. Yep. Two, three minutes later. And that's not that's a long time in terms of like it feels like in the moment. It's not a long time. Take a minute. Oh, are you? You know, I've been thinking about you too. There's just so many. It really comes back to. First of all, women are a lot of times attempting to subdue and keep the husband away because they're they have that like whatever panic, fight or flight, cortisol. They're like, I don't I can't do this. And he should be thinking, why is my wife doing that? Is there something missing that I'm is the home chaos? Am I not providing well? Is she chronically stressed? Am I not serving her well? Am I not loving? He should really be thinking through all those things like making sure he's not putting a stomach block in front of her? Yeah. But she also has to recognize that she has a hard taxing job that never kind of turns off. And so the kids are always there. There's always laundry. There's always stuff to do. She has an endless to do list. And she could always be working if she wanted. Yes. So she has to be ready to make that pivot and actually be inviting to her husband where the welcome mat is out. The light is on the porch. The invites given. And a lot of the time this looks like for her when she has the thought, any sexual thought through the day, she should grab onto it and do something about it right then. Yes. Send the text. Yeah. Yeah. I think to like, I don't know, you have to have this concept that you can train your libido and maybe stop thinking of it so much as your libido and think of it in terms of your mind. Yes. Yeah. The mind is the most important component, especially for women in a sexual relationship. It's thinking properly. Yeah. Exactly. So quit even quit worrying so much about all the other physical things and just start, like you said, playing it because it can take longer for women. Yeah. She has to be thinking about it sometimes from early in the day. Right. To be setting herself up. And I mean, I just I think a lot of women screw themselves over by yeah. Not seeing it as a large enough part of their vocation to actually prioritize it, but that does start by prioritizing everything else better. It means dinner is early enough. Yeah. That everything's picked up and you can go to bed with your husband once the kids are in bed. Yeah. And that you have good evening habits together and that you are not so lazy about your personal care habits that you feel like crap by the end of the day. Yeah. Absolutely. You know, like I are you healthy? I used to be like anti-coffee in the afternoon and I just got old enough, I guess, that now I'm like, if I want to be lively after 6 p.m. I have to have a cup of afternoon coffee. A little cup of coffee. I send her a little espresso. She knows what it is. Oh, man. It's really funny. Really kind of summing it up. And then there's a last point I want to make probably in this episode. We're running out of time. But for her, she should be thinking, what does he want to see? What does he want to hear? What does he want to feel? And how can I evoke those things in him? And she has that power. She has an massive, enormous amount of power to allure and woo her husband in these ways. He should be thinking, what does she, what conditions would exist that would make her most likely to be undistractedly interested? How can I put the ball over the net at an opportune time? How can I do it in a way that is showing that I'm not just interested in sex? But I am into her. I love her. I'm learning her. What makes her tick? What gets her excited? What turns her on all those things? A couple months ago, John Moody talked about this actually with church calendars. And I had thought it many times before, but I was just glad to see him address it frankly of like, if your church calendar is so busy that your sex is infrequent and kind of stale, you're doing something wrong. Yeah, like for me, I think about two things a lot in our home, with respect to our public calendar, like church obligations and other things. Family worship. How many nights a week are we getting at home? And that means that we were home for a normal dinner time. That's what it means. Yeah. Okay, great. It's got to be frequent. And then also Lexi and I are we home and in bed together? Or are we able to do a walk after the kids are in bed together? We like to do that unless it's the middle of the winter or whatever. Are we together, you know, a good number of nights a week alone? And if no either of those, then something has to change on the calendar. And I will do it. I will tell Lexi, cancel that, don't do that. We're not doing that. Say no to that. No, I don't want any more obligations then. Please don't plan anything. We've had enough of them. We've got to be consistently getting those things over the long haul to make it. And I mean, make it well, not just get to get by. So you're in your right church calendars matter. They need to think about that. You know, so she needs to be thinking what is he want to see here? If you'll experience, he needs to be doing the same thing. And then there are some big rocks in the field, in the garden that you need to just be pulling out, digging up and carting off if they're there that will get in the way of this. And I think we can maybe leave it here. Those are things like both of you, man and the woman, no pornography, that's obviously out. You need to get rid of any other sources of sexual outlet, like pornography, masturbation, all these things. Those need to go away. That is not conducive to a healthy marriage bed. Just just kill them, get rid of them, repent of them, and do what it takes to get rid of them. Obviously, men, if she knows every three months, he's going to be like, yeah, I did it again. Well, that is really putting a big hindrance in her. It's putting a big boulder in the field that you're trying to plow. So stop doing that. If you're like, I look at other women, oh, cool. Great. I feel safe. Yep. Obvious. Okay. Like you got to get rid of that. She needs to be thinking at the same time. If I never put the ball back over the net, or I do it one on a ten times, or I'm very frigid to him, am I really setting up a conducive situation for my husband to be sexually righteous? No, I'm not. I'm actually, I'm greasing the skids to the edge of the cliff and saying, please slip and fall. Yeah. That's what I'm, and it's not her fault completely. It can be partially her fault. It's his responsibility not to sin, but weak. Just like you can provoke your sons to wrath. Yeah. You can provoke your spouse to sin. Okay. Big boulder in the field. Are you physically attractive? Not in like ways that are outside of your control. Yeah. Are you morbidly obese? Are you, do you have bad breath? Are you not grooming yourself? Are you not putting in any effort? Men and women. Husbands, are you fussing about how your wife's not sexually interested in you and your 70 pounds overweight? You are less sexually attractive to her. If you are, she probably won't want to tell you that. And vice versa. A husband will have a hard time telling his wife, honey, you're actually overweight and it's less sexually attractive to me. Let me tell you for them on behalf of the other. Yes, it is unattractive. You should work on that. Might take a year, but almost everybody from almost any starting point within one calendar year can become much more physically attractive if they will be disciplined and do the right actions. After talking to Mr. Crawford the other night, I feel like we almost need to go run down the basics of grooming. Mr. Crawford teaches elementary school. Yeah, he was time out his time in the military with adults though that was very shocking to me. In context, he was saying like, hey, here. Here's what I tell the fourth to sixth graders, especially the boys about like bathing and grooming and socks and underwear and things like that. And he's like, well, but the thing is, he was in the military and in charge of a lot of 18 to 22 year old young men, who no one loved them enough when they were 11 to tell them these things. Well, was the story about the guy that was married and he said on his application to join the military, his reason for joining was so that he can afford an Xbox. Save up enough money to buy an Xbox save up enough money to buy an Xbox, which takes like three weeks of working at 7/11. But did something happen and he had to go do a welfare check or something on the guy? Yeah. And he sent two guys in there and both of them said there was in a single spot in the house that I was willing to sit down on. It was disgusting. So obviously that matters and I'm trying to be really blunt about it because the spouse is in an awkward position, where if they say anything, they've just really tanked the confidence and likely made it even harder for the person to like be sexually because now it's like every time they go to have sex, the husband's like, honey, you're fat. Now she's going to think about that every time they have sex. So he will have to lead and like help her. And she needs to be, do the courtesy of your spouse of thinking about it so they don't have to say it. Yeah. I get ladies, there's pregnancy, there's all sorts of, there's age. I get it. I'm not. I'm really not saying everybody has to be a fit. You're not being unreasonable. No, like, but we all know what I'm talking about. We need to, we need to not pretend like we don't know this. Yeah. I really do just think some of this does come down to the basics of losing that knowledge gap between the generations of femininity, like simple, feminine secrets. Have you heard of dev soap? Yeah. Male. I'm sure there's the same things on the other side, but I'll talk a little bit. My mom and my grandma have always been really good at these really like small micro hygiene habits. Yeah. That I'll talk. I'll include and make sure I include in the in the kitchen episode. Yeah. So be thinking about that. What big boulders are in the field that you need to dig out, card off that are making this harder than it needs to be. Some of them can be overnight fixes like, oh, I've had a really grumpy, bitter, naggy, rude witchy attitude. Yes. Oh, man, interesting. Stop doing that. Take the cow to the past. The good news is the marriage bed can be good starting tonight. Can be really good starting. That's a simple fix. And even if you're like, oh, man, I'm really overweight. You're right, guys. You've been telling me for six months. This has been like the whole theme of bright hearts. Stop telling me I'm fat. And you just need to say, hey, honey, I'm sorry. I've let it go. And maybe it's both of you. Like a lot of times it's both bad habits have built up. And you need to say, hey, let's, let's make a commitment. Let's this year, this next six months, this next three months, we're going to lock in. We're going to do this. Here's some steps. And we're going to try to improve this. And it's going to be a process. There will be setbacks and it'll be hard, but we're going to start today because I love you. And I'm sorry. I, there were good excuses, busy life, lots of kids, all blessings. Sometimes you lose the rope on stuff. But pull that boulder out of the field, put it in the cart, cart it off, get rid of it. The field's now easier to plow. And you know, men with the sexual sin, women with the sexual sin, but a lot of this actually does start like Lexi said, it could be tonight, it could be great. If you will just say, man, there are about two or three things I know I've been doing that are negative and not been doing that would be positive and I can start doing them. And at first, because some of these are new habits, you need to do them intentionally 5, 10, 15, 20 times in a row and remind yourself, like write down, set a reminder, send flirtatious text to husband. I see what you mean. Yeah. Legitimately, it might take that. Great. You didn't feel like it in the moment, but like yes, these things have a way of getting going. If you do the thing, a lot of the times the interest will follow, have I shown him what he wants to be shown today in a way that's obviously like, hey, honey, this is for you. This I want you to have this here, have this gift, it's me, wonderful. You will have babies that you did not expect to have if you follow this advice. I expect for at least one of them to be named after me. Hey, I've tried naming kids after you. I know, I actually don't like my name, but if name one, we could try again, name one after bright hearts somehow, make it an illusion, okay, you can do it. And that was weird for me to say, so I'm going to move on like that didn't happen. And do you have any last words for the ladies before we sign off? I'll just hold on my other comments for the in the kitchen episode. Okay. All right. Well, thanks for listening, guys. As always, we love getting your questions. You can use that send us a text button on the podcast description to send us a text. Remember, we can't reply, but we do get them. We read through them. We do Q&A episodes pretty frequently. I think we'll do for a couple here soon. So send us those questions about this series or whatever is on your mind. And we'd love to take them up and do our best to answer them here on the podcast. Again, if you like what we do here at BrightHearth and it blesses you, then we'd encourage you to consider becoming a patron. There are some benefits and things like that. But really, just if you like what we do and you want it to continue happening, a bunch of people touch every episode of BrightHearth for it to continue happening week after week. And so that keeps us going and we really appreciate our supporters there. But God bless you guys. We hope you're having a great summer so far and it keeps going, well, hopefully it gets a little bit hotter now after this episode in your household. And we'll catch you next time on BrightHearth. Did you know BrightHearth has another weekly mini show? It's called In The Kitchen and it's all about highly practical tips on housekeeping, parenting, marriage, and more, along with book recommendations and other resources. Available exclusively on our supporter channel, you can check it out today at patreon.com/brightHearth. White Heart.