Will I regret being childfree? (Re-release)

[Music] Welcome to We Are Child Free, the podcast that gives you the clarity and confidence to live your best child-free life. I'm Zoe, photographer, feminist and founder of We Are Child Free, which celebrates and supports child-free lives through stories, coaching and community. And I'm James, Zoe's wife guy, producer and partner in all things whack. Every episode will explore another challenge you're facing and bring you answers and advice from child-free cheerleaders who really get what you're going through. Let's go, lovelies. Hey lovelies, this is producer James and I'm here to share a classic episode of Ask Wack with you. We Are Child Free is going on a brief hiatus. We are headed back to the UK to get Dolly the van, her annual MOT and to see family to do a corporate workshop and to work on some super secret things that we're not ready to reveal to you just yet. That just means that we are super busy, driving through Europe, absolutely burning rubber up the highway to make it to our Euro Tunnel Train in a week or so. In the past week we have been in five different countries, starting with Montenegro and ending up here in Austria and from here we hit up Germany, France and then the UK. So I think we're going to make it, but that doesn't leave us much time to work on things like new podcast episodes. Instead what we've done is reached into the vault and pulled out some episodes we recorded as bonus podcasts for the We Are Child Free member community last year. These are Ask Wacks where we tapped up the communal hive mind for help with questions like, am I going to regret this? How do I tell my partner I'm child free? And how do you even decide that your child free in the first place? So I think you're really going to love these. They're as usual packed full of great advice and support and insights. As ever if you would like help with a question or a problem like this email [email protected] with Ask Wack in the subject line and we will happily put the question to the community to get their help. We are child free members get priority and you can join a wonderfully supportive community of child free cheerleaders by heading to wearechildfree.com/join. I will leave you now with me and Zoe from about a year ago answering another Ask Wack question and we will be back with you real soon. Take care, lovelies. This question came to us through our Instagram DMs. Hi there, I was wondering about something and thought maybe you could shine a little light on it. I have read stories about parents who regret becoming parents but I've never read stories about child free people regretting their choice. I don't mean people who are involuntarily without children or childless. Do you ever hear stories about regrets regarding choosing the child free life? Okay, this is a doozy. So what did you first think when you read this question? Well obviously my heart goes out to this person. This is a topic that affects our community a lot. We hear this coming up again and again and sadly many of you have loved ones, have strangers, even medical professionals telling you, you will regret this and later on in life, you'll wish you had children and I really was excited to be able to delve more into this topic to hopefully help this person and obviously everyone else in our community really work out. Is regrets something that we will all be facing in 20, 30, 40 years time? Yeah, I love this question because it's not the person's not asking will I regret this but do we hear stories about folks regretting their child free life? Yeah. And I'm kind of the keeper of stories on this project. I edit all of the stories on the website, the podcast, the portraits and we've had over 200 of those so far and not one single person has said that they regret this decision. No. To be honest, doing this project we kind of we hear more about parents who regret their decision. That's like a very important conversation that is finally being had and I think lots of those parents feel safe confiding in us because we're like a judgment free space but regret about the child free choice. Yeah, haven't really heard from it before so it's super interesting and we've got curious about this. Like there have to be some people who feel some kind of regret about this, about any decision. I mean, yeah, regret is possible no matter what choice you choose. So that's always important to let people know that it's always a possibility but it is a very interesting thing when you work on a project like this and you have not yet heard a story like that so delving deeper into this makes a lot of sense. That's why I want to do a poll on Instagram to ask our community have you ever regretted being child free and you know we had was it 900 people respond. Yeah, more than that. Yeah. And you know what the results showed with that 4% of the people said yes and 96% of the people said no and what I asked was anyone who had said yes could you DM me and tell me more about what is going on with that yes so I could understand it a bit more and the responses were incredible and I began sharing the responses with community and it resonated with so many people so I'm really excited to share some of those responses with you all. Yeah, but before we get to that I want to like briefly break out into Nerd Corner because I did what I do and did a bit of research about this. The subject of child free regret in general like what is there out there about this and unsurprisingly there's not a lot of information about this. There are some great researchers at Michigan State University who are basically the only people who have ever actually studied child free people and their choice rather than lumping us all in with all non-parents so they've done a couple of studies now of around a thousand people and in the last study which we'll link to in the show notes they found no evidence that older child free parents experience any more life regret than older parents. Wow. In fact, older parents were slightly more likely to want to change something about their life. These results fit with other surveys I've looked at like seven percent of US parents and eight percent of parents in the UK say they wouldn't have kids if they could do things over right which is like more than our four percent already and this great book by Dr. Amy Blackstone child free by choice she reported that older child free people are more likely than childless people to report the advantages of non-parenthood and they're less likely to report regret right which kind of makes sense right like if you do you know if you had less of a choice in this matter and choices were made for you yeah you're probably likely to wonder what could have been yeah I mean choice that is the most important word because child free people they're actively making this choice they have had to reckon with their emotions their vision of what their future is going to look like they have thought long and hard about this and they're making an active choice to not have children whereas I think a lot of parents sadly they don't realize there is a choice because society tells them we're all meant to just do this we parenthood is the default you have a much better chance of being happy and fulfilled if you can choose your destiny but if you're pushed into something that actually doesn't fit with your core values doesn't fit with your personality isn't something that you truly want for your life there is a real possibility there that you won't be happy that you won't be fulfilled and I think this is why in our community we don't see a lot of regret we don't hear a lot about regret but society is telling us a completely different thing that this is the biggest problem we will face is that we will wish we'd had children when we're older but what we're seeing is a very different picture exactly so yeah let's get into the responses okay so the first response I'm going to share with you most days I am solid in my decision to not have children my husband and I were always on the fence but medical issues swayed us to make the final decision not to It's hard on days when I'm around a lot of family. Over Memorial Day, we were at the lake with my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, the whole family. It's in those moments I start to think, "I love this part of my life. My sister would make an incredible aunt to our kids and they would get to have this too." Those are the moments I question. What will my life look like when I'm my grandparents age? Knowing in my family has made this decision before, so the unknown worries me. I try to focus on the positives that being child-free brings and remind myself that I will still have family and hopefully community when I'm older. It will just look a little different. Wow. Okay. So there's a lot there. Yeah. And what jumped out to me is this worry about what life will look like when you're older, which is totally understandable and something that we hear a lot from all kinds of child-free people, whether by choice or by circumstance. And I think it's easy to think that you know what a life with children will look like. Yeah. You know, it's going to look like this Memorial Day weekend. At least that's what we're told, that's what we're sold. But until now, we haven't really had too many examples of what a life without children looks like. No. We don't have any role models. And the role models that we're given are sad, lonely, unfulfilled, which scares people. Clearly it scares them. And that's probably the point of it. Yeah. Yeah. So I think this is totally a common fear, even if you don't have any doubts about your decision or don't even feel like you have any regrets. So here's the second response that we got. I used to feel very sad and inadequate for not getting pregnant with my ex-husband. My current partner already has a child and we talked about having our own kids. At some points, however, I realized that I never had a real longing for a kid. It felt more like doing something everyone else did so easily and without question. I decided to be CF upon realising that for me, it probably wasn't more than an item I wanted to cross off my grown-up list if that makes sense. Still, this feeling of inadequacy and failure to get pregnant lingers sometimes and despite my knowing that it wouldn't be a wise choice, I think about what might have been. Wow. Yeah. This is another really interesting response. I really understand this idea of having a grown-up list. I mean, this is something we hear a lot in the community. People are told they're not adults unless they have a child, unless they have a husband, have a house, have a car. And, you know, who creates this list? Patriarchy creates it. You know, pronatalism creates it. We get to create our own list. And if that doesn't include having a child or having a husband or a house, there is nothing wrong with that. But, people are made to feel like they're a failure if they don't have these items of this grown-up checklist, and I hate it. Yeah, go off. What really struck me is that last sentence I think about what might have been. This got my nerdy brain lit up, because I've been thinking a lot about this idea of regret. And it seems to be what people are describing is what you could call "wistfulness," which is more a longing for what could have been, rather than, like, really feeling remorse about what actually did happen. Right. So, yeah, I found this concept called "hot and cold regret." There's this really good blog called "The History of Emotions" blog, and that kind of blew my mind with this topic, because they distinguish between what they call "hot and cold regret." So regret, they say, sometimes it seems to have a "wistful" character. It's associated with nostalgic reminiscences, bittersweet fantasies, and melancholy yearnings. But in other cases, regret seems to have a biting or searing quality, one mentally kicks oneself or tears ones hair. So cold regret is basically, it could be the sort of fantasy about what could have been, but hot regret is this desire to change the situation, to kind of get yourself out of the situation that you got yourself into. Right. That's what you see in these discussions of parental regret, like people really being like, "I wish I hadn't had children." But what we're seeing in these responses is that cold regret, that kind of like, "Oh, well, I've chosen this path and I'm happy with it, but what if?" Yes. And those feelings are very normal. It's okay to have feelings of longing for those moments. There's nothing wrong with that. Of course we can wish we had everything and have it all. So when people, yeah, when they feel that way, it doesn't mean they want to go out and start having children. It doesn't mean they've made the wrong choice. It just means they wish they could experience those really beautiful moments, perhaps, that they see a parent having with a child. That's all. And I think is it Masha, Dr. Davis, who calls those moments, Kodak moments, which kind of sums them up perfectly, because they are, you know, these picture perfect moments of the mother holding their newborn child glowing and like you talked about the memorial day and everyone sat around loving each other's company. But we all know that's a snapshot. That is one tiny slither of the experience of parenthood. And when we reduce it down to this tiny moments and ignore everything else, we're not doing parenthood justice there. And it's important to remember there is a lot of good, but there's also a lot that might not be good for us as well. Yeah, this is a perfect segue into a couple of these other responses we've had. So, yeah, here's what sounds like a bit of a Kodak moment here. I definitely have fleeting moments of regret. Sometimes when I spend time with my friends children, helping them read a book, play with their toys, or when they call me auntie, I think maybe it would be nice to have a child myself. But then I leave and get to go home and read a quiet book myself. Have a long brunch with my partner and take a leisurely walk with my dog. And I know deep down that I would regret having children more than I would regret remaining child-free. I think it's okay to have moments of regret. For me, it's an important part of fully embracing my choice. Yeah, I love that. I love this idea of it just being part of our decision to not want children. And also it's important to know if you don't have that whisper longing, that's also okay. This is a diverse community. So, you know, people who wish they had those moments, it's completely normal. It's part of us coming to terms with our decision. And I think this person summed it up beautifully. I love this response. Absolutely. I also like this stuff about being called anti, right? Because we speak to a lot of cool aunts in our community. And a lot of what makes them so happy with the role and such a good role model for the kids as well is that they kind of like have the best of both worlds, they have like a fulfilling life outside of these kids' lives, but then they're there and they're present and having fun with them. That's the best part. So, that's me, mansplaining to you, what it's like being an aunty. Yeah. No, I totally get this. You know, I see this with my nephew and my sister and we're currently staying with family. So we're seeing those Kodak moments, but we're also seeing the rest. And that's why it is really important for people who are thinking about this decision. Can you experience what it truly is like to be a parent without becoming a parent? So can you stay with friends who have children? Can you look after a child, you know, not just for an hour, but overnight, truly to understand what the full experience of parenthood is? I think that helps so, so much. Okay, I love this response. Ultimately, I know I don't want children, but I do have moments of sadness, realizing that I'm missing out on the possibility of having the feeling of a close family. I like the idea of having a close-knit loving family. For example, I went to watch a friend of mine's daughter dance in a dance show. I welled up thinking I would have loved to have supported a child of my own dancing on a stage. I see it as it's okay to feel sad about it now and then. On the whole, I know I don't want children. I'm content to support and love the children that are already here. I really love this response because it hits home this idea of it taking a village to support a child, and it really does and, you know, so many people in our community are those role models. They are those caretakers and teachers and social workers. We had a beautiful story, someone in our community sent a photo of their father who looked after a neighbor's child would take this person's child to school because she was a single mum and obviously didn't have a lot of time, and this is what real community looks like. It does not have to be. We only have biological children to nurture children, so I just, I love this idea of supporting other people's children as well. Yeah, and this, there was another response which I couldn't find because honestly, so many responses from you all. Thank you so much. - Yes. - Someone talked about this idea of the greatest hits of raising children versus an album with like filler tracks. So I'm a music nerd, so I really love that. But like watching your friends daughter dance in a dance show and feeling all emotional about like the lyrical dancing that they're seeing, yeah, totally natural. And of course, you can still know that you don't want children because that's not the whole of life. There's other stuff in there. So it's like even if raising children is like Kate Bush's hounds of love, there's the odd jig of life. (laughing) - Ooh, burn. - That's a, yeah. That's a deep cut for all the- - Sorry, Kate. - The real music. Oh, that's not a slight on Kate Bush, obviously. 'Cause we'll have to delete this episode if that's what got out there. Yeah, don't ask me to explain that. Fucking boring for a start. Yeah, I'm not gonna. (laughing) - All right, so yeah, we have a couple more quick but awesome responses from folks. - I enjoy my child-free life. However, I don't enjoy the feeling of being left out with my social circles. The stigma that's still attached to being a child-free, although this is slowly changing and not ever experiencing the joys and deep love associated with parenthood. Even though there's a lot of other much more challenging emotions to deal with a child. So at the moment, I still struggle with my decision, even though it's still probably the right one. Yeah, this is another interesting idea that- And I think a lot of the responses that we got were actually people feeling left out, you know, by society, by their friends, by family, because they literally can't take part in some activities. And whether it's on purpose by other people or not, it can hurt to not be able to take part and feel like you're the odd one out. - Yeah, it's like, if people still say FOMO anymore, it's like FOMO, but like real. It's not like the fear of the reality of missing out. It's ROMO. - Oh God, how long have you been thinking about that? - Can you tell I just thought of that? - Okay, so the last response that I'll share, sometimes when I see my friends with their children, I regret not being part of this experience, but then again, I enjoy the calmness around me and the independence and the regret disappears. - That's amazing, right? - Yes, I love this one. - What a great message to end on. This is that pure example of cold regret. So you see what you're missing out on. You realize that you don't have that for yourself, but you feel whistful about it, maybe. But that never flips into you second-guessing your decision or anything like that. It's not the kind of agony that we're told we will expect, especially women who choose not to have children. - And I love this idea of checking in with yourself because yes, things can change, people can change, and that's okay, that's allowed, that's absolutely okay. So I think it is good when you have those moments to ask yourself, is that just a whisper longing? Are you actually relieved when you go to your quiet home when you go for your walk with your dog and you realize, yes, it is just a fleeting moment that passes. So checking in is really important. - Absolutely. - All of these responses that we received tell us, many people experience exactly the same things. You are not alone. So many people message to say, I thought I was the only one feeling this way. No, lovelies, whatever you are going through, I promise you, there are many people in this community who feel exactly like you do. What you're feeling is absolutely normal. Try and block out those external pressures. You know, society may not have your best intentions. Even people who love you may not truly understand there is more than one path to happiness. We each get to choose that path. So the more that we can block out those external pressures, the better. You know, as women, we're not brought up to listen to our intuition, to our guts. We are told to ignore it and listen to everyone else. But, you know, we have to deprogram ourselves and really go deep inside and always listen to that inner voice, not to the other people who are trying to make you conform ultimately. So if we can do that, I think we have a much better chance at happiness, at fulfillment, finding the right path that suits us. And that's what matters. Damn, that was good. Why thank you. Got Zoe into her inspiration mode. But yeah, I think like I love Askwack already. This is just episode one. And this is just a tiny little piece of all of the feedback that came through the community, all of the advice and support. And it's so beautiful to see all that. And incredible to read the range of experiences and opinions and just, yeah, be reminded that it's okay to not feel 100% child-free, 100% of the time. Like, we are not gatekeepers. We are not going to boot you out of the community for feeling that way. Many of us feel that way. It's totally normal. And this is a place for you, no matter what your experience of being a non-parent is. We're here for you. And we love, love hearing what you have to say. And thank you so much for your responses for being so open and vulnerable. And that's the incredible thing with this community. Every person who shares their experience and their story is helping to change the world, to change how child-free people feel about themselves, how other people view child-free people. So thank you for being part of this movement, for being part of this community. We appreciate you and love you all so much. The We Are Child-Free Podcast is brought to you by the generous support of the We Are Child-Free member community, the most uplifting child-free space on the internet. To hear episodes a week early, find friends and get the support of your child-free cheerleaders. Join us at We Are Child-Free.com/join. We Are Child-Free is hosted by me, Zoe Noble, and produced by James Glazebrook. Our amazing theme song is "Vib" by Clara Patzini, and the "Ask Quite Jingle" was produced by Jim Hickey and sung by us. Find out how to live your best child-free life at We Are Child-Free.com. Speak soon, lovelies.