Wife’s Spending Habits Ruined Our Marriage

She started in real estate. She's going on 11 years, and she created kind of what she calls her business account, and I do not have access or cannot see that account every year when we go to do our taxes. We owe, you know, a bunch of money. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Dude, I feel like my voice just cracked there. Going through puberty. Puberty, finally. It was going to happen. Congratulations. Sooner or later. It's a big day for all of us, I guess. Dude, I'm glad you're here, taking your calls on your marriage, your mental and emotional health, your kids, if you're going through the big changes in your life. I guess like I am. I'm glad you're here. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes, and if you'll take 10 seconds, it costs you no money. It's a huge support to the show, and especially to Kelly's continued employment. If you will subscribe, like, share, whatever you got to do in the digital world to let the algorithms know you're a fan of the show. Did I say that right? The very long-winded version, yes, you did. That's usually how I do it. I'm fully aware of that. Let's stay here in Nashville and talk to Bill. What's up, Bill? How we doing, brother? Hey, I'm doing all right. What's going on, man? Well, I'm not feeling great with my marriage right now. My wife has just not been responsible with our finances and tried talking to her repeatedly over the years. I don't know if she's been doing well. I don't know if she's been doing well for years, and it's not getting any better, and I don't know what to do. Man. How long y'all been married? 20, almost 22 years now. 22 years. How old are you? Yeah, I'm 54. 54. So we'll get to the money part. Besides money, where are y'all also disconnected? Probably just busy, and I travel for work a lot, so it's hard to connect sometimes when I'm home. We have three kids still at home, so I'm busy with them, school, and they'll be graduating here. Well, are graduated, so just a lot of stuff going on. I don't know what's going on with that. So tell me about the money situation. Well, I guess to be honest, we probably always struggled with our finances. Not been great about budgeting and things like that. Had a bankruptcy about 12 years ago. Oh, wow. Yeah. And we've kind of had good years and bad years. She's going on 11 years, and that can be a struggle in the beginning until she builds up clientele and stuff. And she's had good years and bad years, and she created kind of what she calls her business account for real estate, and all her commissions go into that account, and I do not have access or cannot see that. I don't have access to that. I don't have access to that account, so I don't know how much is coming in, how much is going out. I know that she doesn't hold out taxes like she should and pay quarterly. So every year when we go to do our taxes, we owe a bunch of money, and we have back taxes that we're making payments on from the IRS. And I guess the worst part, the thing that's really, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I'm struggling with right now. She's strung together, you know, been doing really well in her business and had a couple, you know, two and a half, three years now that she's had good years. But the money comes in, and then it goes out, and next thing you know, we can't afford to pay bills, and we're putting things on credit cards until she gets more commission, then paying off the credit cards, and then the money disappears again, and it's just the. It's a cycle basically every year of going into debt, big commissions, paying off debt, you know, just this cycle, and I can't, I don't know what to do to help her see how that's affecting our relationship and obviously our financial situation. What was the root of the bankruptcy 12 years ago? Well, we had three kids in 18. And she stayed home from work for a while, and I was working two jobs trying to help, you know, cover bills, and then she, you know, went back to work and then got laid off and decided to go on, you know, real estate, and so just kind of a combination of things and, you know, just not spending well, not keeping track of our money. It is. Man, there's so much here. Yeah. Are y'all living in a house you can't afford and driving cars you can't afford? Or is this just nickel and diming? It's just like a whole. No, our mortgage is about a thousand bucks a month. I make, well, last year, about $115,000 a year, and we have five vehicles that are paid for. No car payments. So this is just good old-fashioned, like, immaturity. Yeah, I think we finally, you know, like you said, she's strung together some good, you know, good years in real estate, and she's, we're finally able to afford some things that she's wanted for a long time, and like, right now, we're putting new floors in the house, and. I know, but. Brother, you can't afford new floors right now. Remodeling a bathroom. You can't afford those things. I know. That's the frustration. We have, well, so our twins are graduating high school, and one of them will be going off to college, and I'm like, you know, we could pay for her year of college with the money we're spending on the remodel. And she's, and still hasn't put aside money for taxes for next year. So, come next January, we're going to owe a bunch of money again and not have any saved. But the definition of immaturity is doing whatever you want, however you want, whenever you want, and not caring about the consequences. Like, she likes to have her own account for her job, and I'm all, like, a business account should be separate from the family finances. But when she gets paid, that goes into the family account, right? I've suggested that. I said, this is your business account. Create a budget. Yes. That stays in the business account. The rest goes in the savings account, and then we decide what to spend that on. But she leaves it in her business account, and then three months later, between closings, the money's gone. I know, but on what, dude? Like, over the last 10 years in Nashville, I can't think of a better job than to have been a real estate agent, if you're good. It's been an ATM machine in Nashville, especially the last six years. Yeah, it's, well, I don't know. I mean, I know right now, she buys things for the house to fix the house or, you know, remodel. Things like that. She spends a lot of money on the kids that I don't know about, a thousand dollar prom dress, you know, just. So, here's the deal. Here's the deal. At the end of the day, I mean, you have to decide if you want to be married to someone who has no interest in being married to you. She has no interest in a partnership with you where y'all are co-creating a future together and a present together. She likes it when you bail her out every year because she's been so immature with her spending and with her business and with her, she hides things from you. She buys things, spends thousands of dollars. Like, it's madness. And then she comes to you with her handout at the end of every year saying, Hey, I owe $40,000 in taxes. And you say, we're on a payment plan for last year's taxes. And she goes, I know. But look at this new bathroom I started. Like, I can't tell whether. You like, let me, let me ask you this question. And this is a weird question to ask. What happens if she says, I want to redo the bathroom and you say, no, we're not doing, we're not doing construction on this house until you've paid quarterly taxes. What's the ramifications in your home? What happens? She does it. She does it anyway. Just con contractors to show up to the house. So, yeah. So like this year in January, we sat down and talked about finances and she's like, here's what I have in my pipeline. Here's what I have already. Closings are scheduled. I should be, I should have like $65,000, you know, by May. I'm like, great. We can pay off the $10,000 from our 2024 taxes that we're making payments on. We can set aside 20% of those commissions for next year's taxes. We can pay off 30% debt, right? We can pay off the credit card debt. And then we can, after all that and put, you know, five, 6,000 in savings, then we can start doing some home projects. If you want, if you're having that good of a year, then we can start all this and it'll be amazing. I can't wait. And next thing you know, she, well, we're having a graduation party for the kids and she wanted the house to look nice. So instead of paying off previous taxes and whatever, we are getting flooring. And, uh, I know, but what keeps you from calling the police and telling these men they're not welcome in your home? Oh, wow. Like, here's the deal. So at some point you have to do, you have to do one of two things. You have to draw a hard line and say, you're putting our home at risk. Like you're, you're, we are financially unstable. We're in debt to the federal government for God's sakes, right? We're in debt to all these other credit card companies. We cannot do home projects. Our kids are about to have to borrow money to go to college. Because we have together been irresponsible and it's gone on for, for 20 years. You have to start living in reality in your home because you live with someone who doesn't. Yeah. And that reality is I will not be married to somebody who is so irresponsible and irresponsible and immature with their business, with our family, with our finances. We're not co-creating a future together. We are kind of what I fear at my age, I'm kind of looking at, you know, kids going off to college. I'm kind of looking into the future a little bit like retirement, semi-retirement, whatever. And I, I just, can you afford a number, dude, can you even afford that? I don't know how we get there. Yeah, that's, I mean, there's gonna come a month or three months or six months where there's not another commission. There's gonna come a month or three months where there's not another commission to come bail out last month's immaturity. Yeah. And I promise, I promise you. I've made enough to pay all our bills. I mean, with my salary and, and wise spending, we can pay all our bills and all our commissions should be extra. I know, dude, but if y'all were united in this thing, and I'm preaching to the choir here. If y'all were united in this thing, in this season of blessing where y'all are in right now, y'all could get so far ahead. Yeah. You could have an amazing, astounding, earth shattering, fun, memorable, exciting graduation party without new floors for God's sakes. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I do. But here's the thing. Just listening to how you're talking, I get, man, I've talked to, to husbands who are just beat down. I've talked to them over and over and over again. And I want you to go through an exercise by yourself where you imagine yourself getting out of the trunk of your own car and getting into the driver's seat and asking yourself, what do I want? And if you want to stay married to this woman and she's irresponsible, then you have to make some choices because you have, somebody has to live in reality. You have a thousand dollar a month mortgage and no one's going to be able to pay you back. You have a thousand dollar a month mortgage and no car payments. You make 115 grand a year right now. You should have well in excess of your, what it costs to keep the lights on and the water running. Yeah. And so you're going to have to decide I'm not going out to eat. And if she says we're going out to eat tonight, you can say, I'm not because I'm trying to plan for our future. I stay home when she wants to go out to eat. Okay. Yeah. But you'll need to have a bigger conversation about your marriage because you have a very, you don't have a marriage. You have a roommate. I tried to tell her, I mentioned, I said, you know, if, if we got divorced, you would have to be more financially responsible. Why don't you just do it now? Does she want to be married to you? I think so. I hope so. Okay. You need to ask that question to her. We were high school sweethearts. Like, uh, great. We went to prom together and yeah. Great. Y'all have a lot of history and that's, that's a beautiful and amazing, and it should be a great foundation. But right now it's an anchor at the bottom of the ocean. If behavior is a language, she is telling you, I don't care what you think. I don't care what you want. I'm going to do what I want to do. Yeah. And I will figure it out next month. And when I can't figure it out next month, like every December 15th or every April 15th, more like it, you need to write a check to the federal government and figure it out. Yeah. Behavior is a language. She does not want to be married, which is she wants to co-create an awesome life together. She wants to do what she wants to do. I can't tell you what to do next, but I will strongly recommend get out of the trunk of your own car, man. And this doesn't have to be a fight, a loud conversation. This can be a gentle, quiet, direct, clear as kind conversation. I can't live like this anymore. I've got to make a separate account because I'm worried about our future because you're spending it last month. Yeah. And my goodness, how amazing it is if you don't owe anybody anything and then you start getting these commission checks, you know what y'all can do? Whatever you want. But, man, I hate this for you. I hate it. It breaks my heart talking to men whose wives just run over them and just drag them around. And either allow it or draw a line. Or draw a line. Thanks for the call, brother. We come back. A woman wonders how to ask her husband to let go of his failing business without making him feel like a failure. We'll be right back. Summer's a time for running around and traveling. And we all know that feeling you get when you get home and you get back in your own bed for the first time after being gone for a while. And for me, that means getting on my bed on top of my Helix mattress. And for my whole family, it means the same thing. And in our guest room, what do we have in there? Helix mattress. And any time somebody's traveling this summer and they stay at our house, they always get up the next morning and they're like, "Dude, what was that mattress?" What do we say? Helix mattress. And why is Helix so awesome? Because Helix does not just build one mattress for everybody. They build mattresses for you individually, how you sleep. So if you're a side sleeper, a back sleeper, a hot sleeper, cold sleeper, no matter who you are and how you sleep, Helix mattress. Helix has a mattress for you. I want you to get online and take their sleep quiz. It takes like two minutes, and Helix will match you with the perfect mattress just for the way you sleep. No guesswork. Listen, this is one of those small decisions you can make, and it will change how you show up every single day in your life. Go to helixsleep.com/deloney and get 20% off during their site-wide 4th of July sale. Plus, you can get 25% off their Lux mattresses and 30% off their Elite mattresses. That's 20% off site-wide with additional savings on the Lux and Elite mattresses at helixsleep.com/deloney. Listen, these savings are only for listeners of the Dr. John Deloney Show. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. The wait is finally over. Montana Knife Company has launched their first folding knife, the Montana. I didn't think it would be this cool. I'm holding it right now if you're listening to this. It is that cool. I've been telling you about Montana Knife Company's fixed blades for hunting and cooking. And now they took the same 30 years of craftsmanship and precision and brought it back to life. it to a folding knife, I'm literally holding it right now. They nailed it. This is the ultimate everyday carry blade. And here's what I really love about Montana Knife Company. These are working knives made by people who actually use them right here in America. I recently spent time with the founder, Josh Smith, and he personally walked me through the details and components of this amazing new knife. He's one of just over a hundred master bladesmiths in the world. And the quality of this knife proves it. This is the pocket knife perfected. And like all Montana Knife Company knives, this is something your grandkids will fight over years from now. The Montana will sell out extremely fast. So go to montanaknifecompany.com today. That's montanaknifecompany.com. All right, let's go to Charlotte, North Carolina and talk to Gwen. What's up, Gwen? Not much. I was just wondering how I can convince my husband to give up his failing business without making him feel like a failure. Oh man. Yeah. I'll answer it this way. And then I want to hear some more. You can't make, um, you can't be responsible for how your husband feels. He gets to own the react, his reactions to hard conversations. Yeah. Um, so tell me about, his business. Well, so it goes pretty deep. His, uh, trucking business was first seeded with a HELOC on the house that I owned prior to us getting married. Oh, geez. Yeah. This and that happened. Pretty horrible things happened. In the meantime, I had to foot all these bills, like with my credit card. Um, all the money from the HELOC was just lost. He was later able to get a loan so that he could lease a truck to own. Um, but there are constantly issues where he doesn't have enough money saved up to resolve the issue. So I have to pay it and put it on my credit card. His money brings in, or his money, his business brings in no money for our household. It's not a business thing. Yes, exactly. It's a truck drive. I mean, it's math. It's a truck driving hobby. Yeah. It's like a four-wheeler hobby, except it's humongous four-wheeler. I mean, yeah, it's not a business. And so your husband may not be a failure. I've got my own opinions about that, but his like what he's doing makes no money. That means it's not a business. Right. And it's not in some sort of investment phase. Right. How long has this been going on? Five years, five years. Yeah. We're well past it. Yeah. Um, but I'm more concerned. Not that he tried something and it failed and he tried it in a couple of really dumb ways. Taking a look out on your house, started trucking business. My gosh, let's put a, our, let's put our safest place on the planet on the block. Right. Yeah. Um, it's that you don't respect him. I, I can hear it in your voice and now you're starting to resent him and I can hear it in your voice. Yeah. And that means your marriage is on its last breath here. Yeah. Have you had that conversation? Yeah. A lot of times when we do have these conversations, I try to be, first I get really emotional having tough conversations, but I try to be calm and I try to have the conversation and at the end of it, I always just feel like I'm in the right place. I'm in the right place. I'm like, I'm like a horrible wife. He's just beating down my husband. Who's trying to do something and make something of himself. And so nothing ever comes out of it. Like I give him money for his business all the time. Like literally this business cost me so much money just so that he can say he's an entrepreneur. Okay. Well that ends today, but, but just the fact that you're, you're saying it's my money. Versus our money. Yeah. And maybe you've had to wrap your head around it, but you started the conversation by saying my house. Yeah. He took a lot of loan out on my house when we got married and then I had to give him my money. Yeah. That tells me y'all aren't united here. And I don't know if that's how you, like, that's how you started your marriage off or you were pretty adamant this, I'm going to have my money. You have your money. No, we had a discussion. Discussion prior to getting married. Um, I thought we would have joint accounts, have a joint account and then like each have our own little account. Um, and when we got married, I kept pushing and pushing for that. And he finally just came out and said, I don't want a joint account. Then your money doesn't go into his account anymore. Right. But how is that going to, how do I make him not resent me in return? Because what he sees is he sees that I have the capability to help him and I would choose not to. You're not helping him. He's an alcoholic begging you for a drink and you keep buying it for him. What you're giving him is not help. You're numbing him out to the reality that he is a failed entrepreneur. Doesn't mean he's a failure as a human, right? But he's not good at this thing. No, he's not. And our family's finances are not going to continue to prop up your ego. Right. We have to deal in reality. And so a clear as kind conversation from this point forward, I'm going to continue to put our money into an account, but that money is going to be designated. It's going to be budgeted and designated for retirement for our kids to pay our house off to pay off credit cards. Zero dollars will go into this trucking business. If it can't afford it, if it can't afford itself, then it ends like all businesses do. So I asked him to get out of the business and let the truck go because he still owes on it. And he said that he discussed that with the people, whatever. And they said that they would sell it at auction and it probably wouldn't bring much, but he would still be responsible for paying off the rest of the truck. That's true. Well, hold on. Is he leasing it or buying it? Leasing it, I guess. Well, he's trying to buy it. It's, you know, he uses it while he's trying to pay it off. Well, it's either a purchase or a lease. If he's leasing it, you turn the lease back over and you pay the penalty. Oh, it's a purchase then. Okay. Then that means he took out a loan. Yes. And is paying this truck off. Yes. Yes. And if it gets repoed, he's exactly right. They will sell it for almost nothing. And then they will, um, he'll be responsible for the difference. Right. And since he is adamant about keeping his money separate, then he can go get three other jobs to pay that off. But he wants his cake and he wants you to pay for it. And he wants you to make it. And he wants to walk around town, holding the cake and eating it and saying, look at this cake. But it, let me put it this way. You trying to protect him from quote unquote feeling bad is digging a deeper and deeper and deeper hole for your family. It's ending your marriage. Yeah. Right. It is. And so I think it's fair. Not only think it's fair, I think it's right. I think it's honest for you to sit down and look him in the eye. And say, here's where I'm at and use the words. We, we have been pumping money into this and it's failed. Yeah. We're in a, we're in a humongous, what are you going to do with a paid off truck? That's depreciated all the way down on a business that makes $0. Yeah. Let me rephrase it this way and make it a little bit more simple. You have to decide what you are going to do. And you have to decide who you are going to be. And if you want to be his mom and keep supporting his failing lawn business, then so be it, but don't resent him for it because it's a choice you're making. Right. And if you want to look five years, 10 years down the road, the other direction of the future y'all are co-creating and say, we're going to lose our house. We're going to lose a hundred grand. On a failed truck purchase. I don't, I don't know what the economics are. I don't know if he can find somebody to come in and take over his payment. I don't know how any of that works. I do know when I co-host a Ramsey show, I'm constantly getting calls from truck drivers who are in bad arrangements, who were so desperate to quote unquote, get their own truck that they signed their life away. And now they're in a mess. Yeah. And as the truck, the trucking industry has gone. really been rocky the last 24 months. Um, uh, it's been a mess for a whole bunch of drivers. Yeah. But I don't know the economics of that. I know the reality of your marriage, and it's on its last thread, right? Yeah. Does he know that? And really, it's, well, yeah. I mean, he tells me that he's afraid I'm going to leave him, and really, it's the financial things. Yeah, but the financial things are what floats up to the surface. Underneath it is you have a husband who doesn't care about you. You have a husband that cares more about his ego and his business than he cares about having a stable, secure, peaceful home. What does that say about the marriage I'm in? Exactly. And you know that in the middle of your chest. You're just scared to say it out loud because it shines a light on the reality of your situation, right? Yeah. But if you haven't sat down and been clear about here's what I want. I want a home that you come into every day that I'm happy that you're here. I want a home where we're united on stuff. I want a home where I don't feel like I'm propping up nothing but your ego. Yeah. I don't want a home where I need to have a hard conversation and I walk away feeling like I'm a terrible person. Because I not only have to tell you the truth about our financial situation, but then I got to massage you. Massage your ego, make sure you're okay and pat you on the head. I don't want to do that either. I need you to be a grown man. Yeah. Yeah, because our kids are young. We have a three-year-old and a three-month-old. Yeah. I have so much resentment because my dad worked so hard to set up all of his kids for a great future. And when I moved to this city, when I got my job, I bought a house for so cheap. I had my car. When he and I got married, we both paid off our cars. I had the house down where I only owed $10,000 on it. And that's when I was bragging to him about, look what we've done. We put all of our money into the mortgage and now we're going to have it paid off in just a couple of months. He just saw dollar signs. And I just cannot move past like that resentment I feel to him. But you signed the paper too. I know. And so own your part of it. And part of the hard conversation you need to have is, I went along with this. And so I'm taking more than my share of responsibility and this ends today. How much do you owe on this house now? I think like 30 something. Okay. That's still a really small amount. It is. It's a very, very manageable amount. Yeah. And so blame fairly. Blame him fine, but also blame yourself because you participated in this and then be really clear about who you're going to be next and what you're going to do next. Okay. And behavior is a language. If he wants to be married to you, then he's going to say, I want to be married to you more than I want to walk around the neighborhood calling myself an entrepreneur. Right. And together, y'all have to figure out how to get out of this mess if he wants to be together. Yeah. But it sounds like he's getting the world he wants, which is, I don't want to share money with you. Okay. If you want to look him in the eye and say, I, as your wife, will not borrow any more money. I've put a freeze on my account, on my credit report, so that no more accounts can be taken out of my name. Yeah. How much do you owe on this truck? You cut out again. 40. How much do you make in your job? Yeah, he's got to call it. And y'all are going to have a $40,000, like really ugly cancer that y'all got to pay off if he wants to go get a real job and start bringing an income into the house. Has he not made any money in five years? Not really. Okay. When I met him, he was also a teacher. He would have been, y'all would have been a million miles ahead of where you are now if he'd stayed a teacher. I know, I know. Okay. So, I mean, here's the deal. The best way you can love him right now is for you to sit down. And by the way, I get emotional too during hard conversations, so I often write things down. Write it down and read him a letter. And say, I'm going to be as honest as I can about the state of our marriage, state of our finances here, and get all of your financial stuff in order, all the debts, write them all down, smallest to largest. If you want to like stay married, here's what must be true. I don't trust you anymore. I've lost respect in you. And I still want to be married to you. But here's what that's going to look like. And then he gets to be a grown up and decide, does he still want to be married to you? Or does he want to take his ego and his entrepreneur title and continue parading around town in a truck he can't afford? Man, it's a mess, man. It's a mess and I'm sorry that you're in it. But we got to turn the lights on, stop the music, stop dancing, stop all the charade. And we have to choose reality. Here's the reality of our situation, both financially, both relationally, in our marriage. We got two little kids. We get to choose what happens next. And since you've left me all alone, here's what I'm going to choose to do next with my money. And here's what I'm going to choose to do next with my character and my integrity. And I hope he exhales and says, you're right. I'm all in. I hope, hope, hope. Thanks for the call. When we come back, a woman asks how to stop using food as her coping mechanism and deal with the deeper emotional issues. Be right back. As you know, I am a believer in therapy. It's a powerful way to dig into patterns, personal challenges, and practice new ways of relating to others and living life in the presence of a trained professional. Sometimes challenges take more than a traditional 50-minute session. Sometimes pausing the grind of everyday life and digging into a multi-day intensive experience with your spouse or with your kids can transform everything in your home, your marriage, and your life. I want to tell you about Capstone Wellness and their Vine and Root program. It's a deeper level of care. It's a three- to five-day therapy intensive for couples, families, and individuals who need more than once-a-week sessions to change your life. Whether it's trauma, addiction, marriage challenges, burnout, or anything, the therapist at Vine and Root can help you get to core issues, and this is important, leave with tools and a plan. They are a Christian organization, but they help people of all faiths, backgrounds, and experiences. They follow a strict code of ethics, and they don't push anything on anybody. Vine and Root is a real investment of your time, your energy, and your money. But if you're serious about getting well, change requires serious commitment. Go to capstonewellness.com, slash Deloney, and click on Vine and Root to learn more. That's capstonewellness.com, slash Deloney. All right, San Francisco, California. Let's talk to Jennifer. Hey, Jennifer, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing all right. How are you? Nervous all of a sudden, but excited. Yeah, I'm glad you're here. What's going on? So I wanted to ask you how I can stop using food as a way to improve my health. As a coping mechanism. I don't have any other vices in my life. Really, the only thing I do, I don't drink, I don't smoke or vape or any of the things. The only thing I've ever used, I guess, without knowing it to make myself feel better is food. Anytime I'm stressed, I'm bored, I'm anxious, any of the above, food is basically my coping mechanism. I have a family that comes from addiction and things. And, you know, for them, it was a matter of just get sober and just never do it again. Yeah, you can't do that with food. Yeah, no. Yeah. So I'm wondering if you have any insight on how I can stop using food for that. I mean, I'm an emotional eater too. My question is, anytime I'm talking with somebody who's in a relationship, who's either struggling with addiction or a numbing agent is to kind of flip the conversation on its head and suggest that alcohol works. Eating works. Eating takes the edge off of boredom. It takes the edge off of anxiousness. It just does, right? And it always comes with the shame aftermath and the guilt aftermath and the shirts that don't fit and the pants that don't fit. I mean, it comes with consequences like all vices do, but it works. And so what I would ask you is, what is going on in your life that you feel like you need to numb away? Or what is your body feeling anxious about that's trying to get your attention about something in your environment or in your relationships that you're trying to quiet those alarms with food? So that's my big question, I guess, for myself. I figured you'd probably ask that. I don't know. I mean, my marriage is really healthy and incredible. I have a great relationship with my family members, you know, my mom and my brother and other family members. I feel like my relationships are pretty strong in my life. That's awesome. Yeah. So I'm thinking it must just be maybe my job at this point in my life. I work for myself and I run a business by myself. So everything's on me, every day, and especially in my busier seasons, that becomes a lot. So it could very well be my job. Are you professionally lonely? Oh, yeah. It's a one person job. You're, yeah, you're behind a screen and you're mostly by yourself for the entirety of the job. Do you have a group of girlfriends that you just go hang out with? havoc with? I do. Um, it's hard to get all of our schedules to line up, especially because mine's so odd, but I do have a pretty good group of girlfriends to lean on. What's the state of your job financially? It's actually, it's doing very well. Um, which is actually part of the intimidating part because I'm just one person. Um, I'm doing really well. I'm in my busiest season right now. Um, and yeah, things are, are going really well, but that means the pressure's on for me. I have a lot of deadlines to meet and I, I have to deliver creatively and emotionally to every client that I come in contact with. Yeah. That's a lot. Um, is it as, I mean, you come from a, from a home with addiction. Is that fair? Oh yeah. Okay. What is this? What is success in this job? What does it get you? More work? Yeah. And then what does that get you? More success, which gives you what? More work? Yeah. So give me a finish line, meaning how will you know when you can exhale? Honestly, probably when we pay our house off and I don't have to keep running anymore. Okay. Is that a goal you and your spouse are working hard towards? Yeah. He's working very hard as well. He's pulling lots of overtime and he's incredible. How close are you? My spouse and I? No, no, no, no, no. How close are you to paying off your house? Oh God. We still have about 360,000 to go. Okay. I mean, you're, you're in the Bay area, so that might be one contract. For you, or that might be 10 years. Give me a timeline. We knocked our budget out and it looks like about four to five years. If we really Ramsey it out, which we've done before. So we know the program. Yeah. So four to five years is a, is a long sprint. Yeah. That's like trying to sprint a 10 K that's too far to sprint. If it was two years, I would say like, so here, here's how I want to kind of navigate this. One is let's don't blame the food. Let's look at the food as a solution. Okay. Okay. And let's look at what may be on fire that our body needs is, is trying to get our attention about. And so let's stop going to war with food. Okay. The second thing is, is one time, um, not, not the current book I just finished, but the one before, um, I was talking to one of the top. Fitness and nutrition guys on the planet. And I said, Hey, I'm entering into a book season and I have snacks by me all the time. It's just, I just helps me get into a laser beam. And, but I don't want to do, I don't want to do that. I'm going to feel guilty. And he said something that changed my life. He said, Hey, for a season, just don't waste the calories. And I said, what do you mean? And he said, if you're heading into a really creative season, and it's not for the rest of your life, it's for a short season. Then just make sure you spend some time lifting heavy weights. I said, really? And he goes, yeah, I just don't waste the calories. And what he did for me there was he just unhooked the guilt and the shame from it. Now the calories I was eating was mostly gummy candies, which weren't great. Right. Oh yeah. But then I'd go down to the gym and I'd be like, I'm not going to waste these calories. But for me, it was mostly psychological. But what it gave me in that process was fresh. Short season. I'm not going to go to war with my body. I'm not a loser. I'm not a failure. I'm going to be abs. I'm going to be unintentional here so I can be hyper intentional there. And another way to say that is I don't fall off the wagon very often, but sometimes I'll climb off that wagon and I will just roll around in the mud and then I'll get back on my wagon and I'll get mud all in the wagon. I know I'll have to clean it later. You get, you get the difference. So basically not punishing myself for that and just going harder on other things like the gym and running when I have the time. If, if, and here's the if, if a, you can be highly intentional about the whole thing and B, you, you are really cognizant of the inner dialogue you have with yourself. Okay. And if you are at war with yourself, I'm more concerned about the voices. The stories you're telling yourself than I am that you're in a really busy season and you're snacking more. Yeah, I think it's, that's my big concern too. It's, it's definitely the, the inner voices that are not seasonal, you know, cause I feel like I don't struggle with discipline in other areas of my life and that's why this has been so hard for me to understand where it's coming from. Um, I think it makes perfect sense. It makes perfect sense. Oh, okay. Yeah. So, I mean, you're stressed and if you, if discipline and, and, and I'm a pretty disciplined guy, discipline can also be another, it's another form of stress. Yeah. Right. And so if discipline is the, your ticket to the thing, if you're disciplined about the things you do that are going to give you the great life, it's awesome. If discipline is another thing you have to go to war with. You have to go to war with yourself every day of your life. It's not discipline. It's torture. That's what it feels like with food for some reason. Yeah. I mean, but again, if you look at food as the enemy, it's always, I mean, it's gonna, it's gonna, that's a battle you can't lose because it's, it's evolutionary, right? It's biology. It's physiological. Like you're going to lose that fight. Yeah. Or I made peace with the fact that engineered food, those guys are better than me. They've studied my body. And my brain chemistry to a science, they win. And so there is points when I have to say for this season, I'm just not going to eat these foods. I'm going to be pretty restrictive. And there's some benefits to that. There's some negative things to that, but I know kind of like, let me put it this way. I know people who've been through recovery with alcohol who can now have a glass of wine at a wedding. No problem. And I've got close friends who are like, dude, if I have a single glass wine, if I have one beer. I'll wake up three days later, Coke down on my mind. And they just know, right? And so I know there's been years of my life when I got restrictive about eating. I'm not going to eat candy this month. I knew on the other side of this thing, I am going to be a monster, right? And I know for myself now, if I have some candy, I'm going to wake up three days later in a diabetic coma. I know that. And so I'm going to avoid it. And when I don't avoid it, I walked into a bar. I walked into a hotel. I was doing a speaking event the other day. And whoever signed me up, I mean, whoever hired me for this event knows I talk about candy a lot. Dude, my room, there was these gift bags so full of gummy candies. It was unbelievable. And I sat there for a second and I had a moment and I remember smiling alone in a hotel in a strange city. And I was like, I'm going to crush this, right? And I knew what it would cause and all that. It was fine. But I'm not going to war with food anymore. What I want to ask myself is, am I being intentional about showing up as my best self? Okay. And so I'll ask you, if you're in a really busy season, give yourself some grace, number one. B, like, what are the things you need to do not to make sure you're crushing your morning routine, but to make sure you're not at war with yourself? Okay. And I have not found a way to do this, either working with people or personally where I'm not writing these things down. I for years I still have it in my bag right now I rarely write in it now because I've gotten a much better grasp on them and that's my promise to you is your default setting will change over time if you'll be intentional about it but I just write down those those stories that my brain just starts telling myself okay I can do that you fat loser what a bum here you are telling everybody that you're disciplined and you just ate that candy what a loser all right I wrote those down for years and then I would challenge it I would demand evidence from those stories is that true no did I come out of a really bad my my boss right outside of his office is a drawer like a not one drawer two drawers filled to the top with every snack you can imagine it's an addict's dream and there's been a few meetings that come out they were really hard meetings I had in there and I have to walk past this thing and I'll grab something out of there and I'll write it down you undisciplined loser is that true no did I have a bad meeting yeah was that intentional unintentional for a few minutes yeah am I good husband good guy yeah all right I'm gonna move on about my life you know what I'm saying yeah yeah that makes sense I can do that and if you go ahead sorry no you go ahead go ahead so some things I should try are writing down the stories yes when they pop up and challenging them keep that journal with you keep that journal with you at all times okay and ask yourself I want you to ask yourself and you may your husband's perspective may be great on this my wife was really insightful with this with me what is my disciplined routine what is it getting me is it getting me another that I've locked from the inside out or is like Jocko says is discipline actually the key to the free life right if I get up in the morning early and I go work out and I go get some morning sunlight and I roll like wrestle with my kids or have breakfast with my kids or my wife that actually sets me on a day that's going to be a pretty awesome day but it used to my morning routine used to be a prison you get the difference yeah yeah that makes sense but also can I just cheer you on for a second if you come from a home a long line of folks who struggle with addiction since you were really young you had the insight that you needed to be a certain way or you weren't worth being loved and that's not true thank you if you're if you get no more clients you're still worth being loved and I bet you're still a pretty damn good wife too thank you yeah my husband's actually with me he's sitting next to me on the phone and shaking his head yes okay people who come from homes whose parents struggle with addiction who had siblings who struggle with addiction they have to they're trying to prove to the world that they're worth being loved and I bet you're still a pretty damn good wife too thank you yeah my husband's actually with me he's sitting next to me on the phone and shaking his head yes loved and your body can't carry that weight and it's always gonna need extrinsic vices to make everything to take the razor's edge off of just being alive every day that's why in the 12-step programs the powerlessness like submitting to a higher power I'm powerless that is you setting down the knife that you're running around trying to cut everything down with like I can't I can't do it yeah I think that definitely has a huge part to play um my dad actually passed away when I was 11 from a brain tumor and of course I'm the oldest daughter so there was this weird unspoken like taking his place filling his shoes kind of thing growing up and I I know now as an adult that I I can't do that and I don't need to do that and that's not on me but I definitely still live my life as if you know I still look out for my sibling and my mom kind of in the place of my dad and they definitely lean on me like that so will you do something awesome don't do it for me do it for you you don't have to if you don't want to I would love for you to write your dad a letter what's his name I can do that Ken Ken was he awesome like your your your faded memories of him was he awesome oh yeah he was amazing okay here's what I want you to do I want you to write him a letter I don't want you to tell him what an amazing woman you've become I want you to tell him about this badass husband you married kind of goofy kind of weird but it's awesome and if you have kids I want you to tell him about them and I want you to tell your dad in this letter I've worked really hard to fill your shoes for all these years and I realized that's not my job and I want you to write that letter I want you to read it out loud to your husband I want you to share it all right and then if you grab a donut you do it intentionally it's the mindlessness which gets us around the world and it's the mindlessness which gets us around the world and it's the mindlessness which gets us around the world and it's the mindlessness in trouble right yeah and if you're heading into a month that is your craziest season just don't waste the calories man give it to yourself just commit to I'm not gonna I'm gonna write down those shame sentences I'm gonna write down those ugly stories I tell myself and if I put on five pounds over the next two months I'll go yep I was pretty intentional about that I rolled around in the mud and I got muddy cool you get what I'm saying and I'm gonna I'm gonna even do the work to to get those five pounds off and I'm gonna write down those ugly stories I tell myself off and I'm not gonna want to do it but I'm going to but all that's different than I suck and now I got an extra go to the gym because I gained five pounds and I'm a loser I'm a loser you get the difference yeah definitely it's remembering why I'm working in the first place I work so I can have this awesome life that me and my husband want to co-create together I'm not working to prove that I'm worth being loved I want to be healthy because I want to enjoy every last drop of this crazy thing called life not so that I can get rid of it I want to be healthy because I want to get rid of it I want to get rid of it I want to get rid of it I want to get rid of it I want to get to the end of my life when you and him are old and wrinkled and on the front porch of your house and rocking chairs and you look at him and say aren't you so glad that I stayed at this percent body fat he's not gonna care he's gonna be so glad he's holding your hand that's true well thank you so much that's really helpful and I will be getting a journal today it sounds like and if he wants to be a gangster he can get one too y'all can share stories just tell him to not try to fix your stories just yet okay because most husbands want to fix those stories that's not true and then it just makes them sound crazy all right if you don't if you don't want to share stories my wife and I would never do that so I'm just asking I'll do something I would never do in my house um if y'all want to share stories it can be a pretty intimate thing I've heard from couples all over um especially if you don't try to hear each other's stories you just nod and say thanks for sharing or it's not true but thank you thank you thank you for sharing but yeah food is man it can be a drug and it can be a coping thing and it can take the edge off um and when intentional who cares and when it becomes a coping mechanism when you know you're not well with it when you know you have an unhealthy relationship when you know it's covering up other painful parts in your life that's we're gonna sit on be intentional and we're gonna go a couple of steps deeper thanks for the call you are awesome Jennifer we'll be right back hey it's Deloney for hallow what could you accomplish in 90 days you can get in shape you can lose weight you can work on your marriage you could play games with your kids for 90 days and change your relationship with them right you can do a lot in 90 days and that's why I want you to try hallow for 90 days hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world and it's one of the most important things I do to start almost every day of my life anchoring myself in my faith helps me slow down before the day starts and prioritize what matters hallow will give you 90 days for free for you to try the same it'll help you build a habit of reflection and prayer hallow is simple and it's guided and it meets you where you are it helps you anchor your faith practice with daily reflection scripture music special series so much good stuff and most importantly it helps you start your day with peace you can try hallow for free for 90 days at hallow.com slash Deloney that's 90 days for free at hallow.com slash Deloney all right we're back Kelly what's up all right so I just got an email from a woman that we just had on a show a couple weeks ago actually not even a week ago the one that her daughter wanted to go on sleepovers and she was telling her no because they had moved oh yeah yeah yeah yeah has this show even aired yet no well by the time this show airs yes but no we're in the matrix I know so all For the listeners, yes, you've heard this. Her name was Kay on the show. So she said, I wanted to reach back out and thank Dr. John for helping me process through the issue. My daughter and I actually listened together, and she had big crocodile tears. She said, how does he know how I feel? He's never even met me. She's still pushing boundaries. We'll be saving that sentence, by the way, and just using that for future needs. She's still pushing boundaries, trying to get more privileges, and creating her emotional hurricane when rebuffed, because that's what they do. Of course. But because of your advice, I feel more empowered to say, I see your feelings, I hear you, and my job is still to keep you safe. I will always love you, no matter how you feel about me. We started an Apple Note to track her requests while her dad works nights, so we can all talk about them and that they don't get forgotten. Awesome. We've also played a ton of Stardew Valley together. I had to look. That's a video game. It's like a – kind of a – what? Was that farming game that used to be on? Kind of like you create a – it's one of those phone games where, like, you go in – I looked it up just a few minutes ago. You, like, create a village and buy things for the village. So it's something they play together. And I'm making a better effort to get to know her friends' families. So thank you. Thank you for your insights. You made me feel seen – you made her feel seen and gave me courage. Awesome. Look at you. Hey, and look at her sitting down with her daughter. That's awesome. Good job, Kay. Way to go, Kay. And good job to her sweet little daughter. Man, that's awesome. That's all I'll say about that. Good for her. Good for that whole family unit. And I love the idea of we're going to write these things down, and one parent isn't going to carry all of these because dad's working late. We're all going to circle back and talk about it. That kid will know everyone in my house is on my team, and what a blessing for that kid. Awesome. Love you guys. Bye. Bye.