Why Your Wife Won’t Have Sex with You | How to FIX a Sexless Marriage

A sexless marriage can be devastating for both men and women whose desire for intimacy is consistently unmet. In this video, because the causes and solutions are generally different depending on your gender, I'm going to concentrate on what men might consider doing to fix it. I'm not going to talk about how to change your wife or how to convince her to sleep with you if she doesn't want to. This is all about what you could do consistently and reliably over the long term to invite her to want you in that way. If you're still here, well done, I applaud you. If you're a woman and you have lost interest in having sex with your man, then you will still find this video useful. You could share it with him or at least use some of the points here to start a conversation that will benefit your relationship. Men's high desire for sex has got a bad rap over the years, particularly in the media, and I think that's unfair. Over the last 15 years working with men and couples, I've come to believe that men's desire for sex is a valid emotional need, far more so than a physical one, and to demean it, minimize it or laugh it off is unkind. Good men in sexless marriages certainly aren't laughing. The truth is, if sex is important to either one of you, then it's important for the success of the relationship. So why exactly do so many women stop having sex with their husbands? Is it due to a lack of care for their men or is it because they have withdrawn over time because they don't feel cared for? To help you work this out for your specific situation, I've put together a list of common reasons why women stop wanting to have sex with their husbands. The more you can eliminate from this list, the better, but one or more might apply to you. I encourage you to address them consistently over the coming months and see how your love life changes. Number one, she doesn't feel secure. Women need to feel safe with you, to feel turned on by you, and to feel safe they need to be able to trust you. This is a serious issue chaps. Women thrive when they feel a sense of overall security in life and this feeling is hugely important to them. It is therefore critical not to underestimate the impact of any behaviour that damages her sense of security. If you lie or hide things from her, or if you can't control your impulses, if you're addicted or unreliable or volatile, she won't feel safe and she'll distance herself from you over time. Trust is a fundamental and essential component of intimacy, so make sure it's a priority in your marriage. Number two, she doesn't feel you are devoted. Your wife wants to know without any doubt that she is the only woman in the world that you're interested in. If you're watching porn, staring at or interacting inappropriately with other women, on social media, at work or anywhere else, she will feel betrayed, even if she no longer says so. It will impact her self-esteem, her feelings of security and her sense of value to you. Direct all your sexual attention towards her and her alone. Number three, she doesn't feel cherished. If you've been frustrated for a while, then you might have developed feelings of resentment towards your wife. Maybe you're just not that nice to her a lot of the time. This is a zero-sum game and there can be no winners here. You might not know this, but one spouse can change the entire tone of a marriage quite quickly, and this is a good example of an area in which this can be achieved. Try to keep your side of the street clean and treat her like a human being who deserves to be loved, even if the situation isn't ideal at the moment. Patient, maturity and kindness are key here. Number four, she can't talk to you. I hear this all the time from women in troubled marriages and it's a serious problem, gents. He just won't talk about anything or he is not there for me emotionally. Our common complaints and it leaves women feeling incredibly frustrated, lonely and helpless. If you struggle to engage in deep meaningful conversations with your wife then she's going to feel like you don't care about her. Women need this kind of deep connection from you as much as you need sex from them. Seriously consider therapy if you're unable to make this fundamental change by yourself and don't leave it until it's too late. It is often this emotional connection that women are seeking when they look elsewhere or consider ending relationships. Number five, she doesn't feel seen. It's easy to go about your daily life year after year and to eventually take your spouse for granted. All the things that captivated you about her in the early days might just seem sort of mundane to you now, but she will have noticed at least subconsciously that you no longer say the nice things you used to. Women need to be seen, appreciated and admired. Take a step back and try to observe her with fresh eyes as if you'd never met. Tell her how much you appreciate how brilliant she is with the kids or that you think what she's done with her business is fantastic. She wants you to notice her and all the things she's brilliant at. So start noticing, be generous and say it out loud as often as you can. Number six, she doesn't feel sexy. Maybe you've been married for 10 years, had a couple of children, got a dog, worked your arses off, lost jobs, grieved the death of loved ones and aged 20 years in the process. The sheer burden of responsibility might have made the very thought of being sexy laughable to your wife by now, but if there's anyone in the world that can turn that around for her, it's you. Go clothes shopping together. Tell her when you notice how beautiful she is. Make cheeky innuendos. Pat her on the bum and tell her she's hot when she walks past. Whatever it is that makes her feel sexy, do that. Number seven, she doesn't feel seduced. Remember when you were dating and all the effort you made to secure your relationship with her. You probably made it very clear that you wanted her and you would do pretty much anything to have her. I don't know what it was for you specifically, but spend some time trying to remember and put some effort into reigniting that fire. She doesn't want to think that you need sex, she needs to know that you want her. So flirt with her, date her, be playful with her and seduce her. Number eight, she's not excited by you. What drew your wife to you when you first met? What was it about you that she loved so much that she committed to spending the rest of her life with you? You must have been pretty special to her. Women want to be with men who are comfortable in their own skin, who know what they want and who are enjoying themselves in the process. Healthy, honest, strong men with a sense of purpose and good humour. If you have become bitter or lazy or if you're too often not good company then she's not going to be excited by you and that isn't exactly fuel for a girl's fire. Whatever work you have to do, make a start today or risk some other guy beating you to it. Number nine, she doesn't enjoy sex with you. This is a tough one to admit, but luckily it's a relatively simple fix. If sex with you has become boring, disappointing or unpleasant, then your wife has probably developed strategies to avoid it altogether. You'll know if it's just not working for her and burying your head in the sand is not going to change anything. Whether it's performance issues, technique or effort, the solution generally starts with open and honest communication. Having the courage to at least start a discussion, even if it's awkward and clunky, will reassure her that her sexual experience is important to you and that you are willing to make it better. Number ten, she's overwhelmed. Life's responsibilities can stack up to the point where it's barely possible to keep on top of everything for periods at least. If your wife is flat out to the point that she collapses into bed, utterly exhausted at the end of the day, then you could forgive her for not being in the mood for sex. If there's anything you can take off her hand so that she has some space, then grab them and carry the extra load. Men, I understand, are pretty much ready for sex anytime, anywhere, no matter what's going on. Your wife, on the other hand, probably needs time and space to transition from mother, worker, carer or whatever role she's usually in to a sexual feminine state. If you are doing little to ease the load and help her out in this way, then again, perhaps you have some changes to make. Okay, that was a long list, well done for making it to the end. If one or more of those reasons apply to you, then please devote yourself to several months of change and growth as a husband before you put any undue pressure on your wife. As I said earlier, one spouse can dramatically change a marriage by themselves. If none of these reasons apply to you and you have been consistently what I would describe as a good enough man, then maybe her lack of interest in sex has something to do with her. So what else might be going on? It might be that your wife has some kind of unresolved trauma from her childhood or some other emotional or sexual issue that is preventing her from being intimate with you. This is beyond the scope of today's video, but if this is the case, then I can assure you that it is, with your support, patience and empathy, fully possible to make sense of. Visit my website for book recommendations on this topic. Also, if she has certain health problems, takes certain medications, has low testosterone or other hormone levels, struggles with body image, has low self-esteem or find sex painful, then again, she's not going to feel sexual generally. But these are all solvable issues that you can support her through. Kind, respectful and supportive conversations are the name of the game here, chaps. It's okay for you to want to talk about all this stuff too, so don't be fobbed off. That is not okay either. The final reason, assuming none of the issues discussed so far apply to either of you and assuming you've already explained how and why sex is important to you, is that maybe she just doesn't care enough about your needs. Sorry to break it to you. I don't think it's reasonable in a marriage to demand monogamy and withhold sex for no good reason. If the conversation is off limits or draws hostility, then maybe it's time to seek professional help.