440. Why Your Schedule Feels Full but Empty, and the One Question to Fix It.

The fall is upon us. Are you ready for it? Are you setting your intentions ahead of time to make sure that you are living out the best second half of the year that you can? Or are you kind of just going to the motions, coasting, seeing what happens? If that's you, it's time to slow down and set your intentions for fall because it's gonna be a good one. But only if we make sure that it is. We're gonna be talking about that today. Are you ready? Let's go. (upbeat music) Something inside you knows there is supposed to be more than this. More than going through the motions, more than the patterns you keep repeating no matter how hard you try. Hey, you're not broken. There's a root beneath it all and there's a path through it. Welcome to the Madehold Podcast where biblical wisdom and psychology meet to finally get you unstuck. Hi, I'm Brittany, a former therapist and someone who has sat in the same place you're sitting right now. You don't have to stay there. This is where you're made whole. The broken place has become beautiful and you finally come alive. (upbeat music) Hey friends, so excited to dive in with you today. I don't know if this episode is for me or for you. I hope it's for both. But as I've been talking about, I'm in newborn season with our new foster baby and she's amazing and I'm really tired. So sometimes coming up with podcast ideas, sometimes it flows and it's just like I have a hundred of them and we're good to go and I can bust out three in a day. And sometimes it feels like pulling teeth and that's kind of where I'm at now. And so I had to think of it once again, something that got me excited to talk about it. And so I hope it blesses you as much as it's fun for me to talk about. But we're gonna talk about fall and having a whole fall. And I don't know, there's something about those two words put together that just lights me up 'cause I love this concept of wholeness and I love fall. I think for a lot of us, it's our favorite season. Not everyone, but I notice mine. I just feel like it kicks off like the best part of the year and it's just the best. And so like the next six months of the year are probably my favorite and then I love change. So any kind of season that involves change I'm there for it, even though where I live, the outside is not changing. In fact, it's only getting it hotter. But to me, it's still a fall. I still see the leaves falling. I still can feel imaginary cool breezes flowing through the air and it is still fall in my book. So I wanna talk today about how we can step into fall in the most intentional way around here. I made a whole, we are all about intentionality. We are not taking anything for granted. We're not going through the motions anywhere. We are trying to grab a hold of every season, every day, every decision with a lens of wholeness. What will make us, what will move us towards the life that God has for us? And as we go into a new season, that's a great time to look at this, to reassess where we're at, especially in the fall, you know, one of the things that we're gonna be talking about is a lot of the busyness picks up. There's all of a sudden school again and there's all of a sudden sports and all of the other things that happen with that. And so it's a really important time for us to slow down and look at what we're actually doing with our lives. What are we actually doing with our calendars? And how are we gonna go into fall and make it the best fall yet? And a lot of the principles that we're gonna be talking about today are things we talk about often on here. And so just a reminder that it's more, I've heard this quote that we need to be reminded more than we need to be taught. And so some of this might not be brand new for you, but it's a reminder. And I hope it just kind of feels like a warm blanket and helps kind of set the vision for the season so that you can step in intentionally, okay? Yeah. When I think of fall besides the coziness of it, I'm already planning. Oh, I'm just so excited for like the fabrics and the sense and oh, I just love it. But I also think about schedules. I already kind of mentioned that. But we have to go into this season with a lot of intention around our schedules. So that leads us to number one. And by the way, I have a sleeping baby on me. So if you hear strange noises, you know what's happening. It's actually working fairly well. So we'll see how this goes, but newborn season. So number one is declutter. Now, I know normally when I think of decluttering, we think of physical spaces. And I do want to mention that for a moment, but we're also going to be talking about decluttering your schedule. And that's going to be the kind of primary focus of it. But let me start with decluttering your spaces because right now I'm actually so in this zone and I just feel, I don't know, but it's like the opposite of spring cleaning. It's like fall cleaning. Yeah. It just, I just feel this urge to just kind of go and get rid of all the excess, all the piles that have been made. We've had a really busy two or three months. And so I think because not that things have slowed down per se, we've got a lot going on. But it's not as maybe intense. And so I'm just so craving, you know, going through all of it and really cutting down because physical clutter, and I'm not going to go deep into this, but the physical clutter in our house has a enormous impact on how we feel emotionally. And then obviously that carries over intimately and spiritually and physically and truly studies have shown that the more clutter that is in your home, your cortisol levels are raised, cortisol is the stress hormone and we don't want a lot of it. And so when the clutter is there, our bodies are reacting to it. And so this absolutely matters. And so I think it's a great time to just kind of take a pause and slowly go through the different spaces in your home and begin to declutter. And a great book, I've mentioned this so many times, but every single time I go through a decluttering phase, I listen to the audio book of declutter like a mother by Alicazaza. And it is so inspiring and it helps me just, it helps me have the vision for what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. So I actually make a lot of progress and it feels so great. So I'm gonna be doing that along with that. There's gonna be some systems that are gonna be in place, but anyways, that's a whole other conversation. So declutter, so spaces, but then you're schedule. So when fall comes around, there is so much that gets put on our schedule. And the problem is the things that get put on our schedule are not bad things. Most of the time you could justify all of them and you're helping people and you're creating relationships and you're showing up for people and there's so much, but the problem is if we say yes to it all, then we no longer will be living intentionally. I think I wrote this. I can't remember when I started listening to the audio book. So Jefferson Bethke is a great author. I mentioned him all the time when I talk about take back your family, which is a book you absolutely have to read. And I just started listening to another one of his books called "To Hell with the Hustle" and just really kind of talking about the very things we're talking about here. So I don't know if this is inspired by him. I can't remember which one if I wrote this before I listened or what not, doesn't matter. You should go listen to it. But anyways, he is talking about how if we have a default yes to everything, then we're gonna get so bombarded with things that we're not living based on our values. And so we actually need to have a default no. And that can be the solution to better schedules. Now I do wanna caveat this, I'll caveat it towards the end because I want first to you to hear the message that you've got to cut back on some things. 'Cause remember, if you are running around all the time going from here to there, picking this up, doing this, showing up here, racing to the next thing, that is like by definition, living a fragmented life. Where does the wholeness come in? Where are we slowing down and intentionally connecting and pouring into the places that we know are most important to us? And so now this doesn't mean that, and I guess I'm caveatting it now, I can't go on without this. This doesn't mean there's sit back in a chair and sit on the couch all the time. Absolutely not. We need to be living on mission for God. And sometimes that does mean a lot of intensity in our schedule. And so there's a difference between a schedule filled with our values that is intense and a fragmented schedule where we're just going here and there and everywhere. The difference is that in the intense schedule, it aligns with our values, which should also include intense rest. Okay, so maybe it's a Sabbath. Maybe it's rhythms throughout the week of rest where we're slowing down and spending time with God, connecting with our husbands, connecting with our kids, connecting with our friends. These are ingrained in our schedule, ingrained to slow down and we're doing a lot. Versus a fragmented schedule would look like, well, I have this birthday party here. And then I said yes to volunteering at this thing, at the school. And then I said yes to this other thing to volunteer right after that. It's tricky, right? 'Cause those are not all bad. The volunteering is great. If that is an area you feel passionate about and you feel called to contribute at your child's school, amazing. And if it's a birthday party where it's a deep relationship that you really value that you wanna show up for them or maybe it's a newer relationship and you're wanting to show them that you care You know it's a kid at school that maybe doesn't have a lot of friends and so you want to make sure you're kids are there for the party rate. So those would be reasons for you to go to the party. But if it's just, well, someone else invited another kid to a birthday party and so we're going, okay, well then that's not a reason to say yes. It's not. It's okay to say no to a birthday party. Now, again, maybe in your family, going to people's birthday parties is such a high priority because you guys really value that. And you want to live a life where you show up for people's birthdays because that's like, that's just a thing that your family does. Then great, that aligns with your values. So you should go to the parties, right? But if your kids are in five different sports and you're volunteering in five different places and there's 10 different birthday parties each week. Now, if you have a handful of kids like this easily is not, this is not even just exaggerated, this adds up so fast. But we've got to look at each decision, make sure it lines up with our values. Now, I have learned over the years that I, in terms of schedule, cannot do a lot. I'm very introverted. I love people and you would never guess if you met me at, you know, at church or wherever that I'm introverted, but I need a lot of downtime. I need a lot of being at home, going to bed on time, not being out late and all the things. I need a lot of my alone time walking like I love going on walks as much as possible by myself, my quiet times in the morning. And if I stay out too late, then that's disrupted. And I need a lot of time on the weekends to be with family and to clean and to slow down. And so I am not running into a million different places. We allow each of our kids to choose one sport once they get to a certain age. And that's it. I say yes to all of the church things because that's a high value in our home. Which by the way, church does need to be a high value in your home that should be non-negotiable for all of us. And to for our family, that's even greater because I'm a pastor at my church. And so I'm, you know, at all of the events. And we don't have a ton of events because our pastors also try and guard time and try and do things intentionally. But I'm, you know, with there is a church event, I'm going to be there. And so that's a high priority for our family. But I am not out a million nights a week. You know, I attend a connect group every other week. I lead a connect group every other week. Sometimes that's every week. It just depends on the semester. But that's about it. And then I'll have friend dates maybe once a week. Yeah, one to two times a week absolutely max. And especially in a season with connect groups, it's probably only once a week at most. And sometimes that means they don't get back to people for a while, which is frustrating. And I feel the tension of it. And I am always trying to figure out how to live most intentionally in this space. But I also know that I won't be able to keep going with all that we have on our plate if I don't make these kind of boundaries. Okay. So I want you to look at your false schedule. And maybe you've already said yes to a lot of things. So maybe maybe, you know, you're not going to be able to back out of things because you've already committed. And that's okay. And then you can think about this for the spring or next year, whatever that looks like. But there might be some things that are coming up that you can say no to or some things you can push. Like, again, some of the the friend dates, I know my capacity. And so I can't just say yes, even if there's technically time in my schedule, I can't say yes, unless there's enough margin in that week. And so without that margin, like that margin is basically like something that's scheduled in my mind. I have kind of like a running tally of my week and how much margin I have. And to be honest right now, I don't have a lot of margin in general because I have four children and one of those is an infant who's in foster care. And so there's a lot happening. And in the season in general, I don't have a lot of margin because I'm pastoring at my church and I'm leading you here. And obviously the family component and the marriage. And so there's there's in this season, not a lot of margin. And then especially in this specific like smaller scaled in season, there's really not a lot of margin. And so often I will schedule hangouts with friends a month out. And that is okay. Now again, you've got to figure out who are your people that you know, you know, will fill you up and that you can make that a priority. You know who you're called to pour into. And so you need to make that a priority. But we've got to figure out where to put the margin. Okay. And I want to say one more thing about this in terms of nuance in it. Again, this doesn't mean that we just stay at home. We need to be living lives on purpose. We should live sacrificially. We should be pouring into people. We we should be building the church. We need to incorporate those things. So what are the things that we can cut out? And I do, I think sometimes our kids activities like we revolve our whole life around our kids, but those of you that are parents and the kids rule everything. And that's not how God intended it to be. Right. He is a center of our home, not our children. And so their things are running your life that it might be time to assess what changes can be made. Okay. That's going to look different for everyone. I'm not trying to say a black and white thing. The one sport or activity thing works for our family. And I heard it work for a lot of other families, but every family is going to be different. And so you've got to figure out what that looks like. How do you create space for the things that matter most? How do you create space for rest? We're going to get to rhythms in a minute, but I'll pause there. Okay. Okay. So I want you to look at your schedule right now. What is on there that should not be on there? Okay. And if you don't have a system for your schedule, you don't have some kind of calendar where you keep track of all these things. That's that would be a great first step because then you actually can visually see what is going on whether it's a paper calendar or a one on your phone or a combo. If you want some help with all of that too, Chelsea Joe, she has a great podcast called Systemize Your Life. She's amazing and can really help you kind of lean into this space. It's so great. So, okay. That's number one declutter. Your schedule ruthlessly whilst a living on purpose. The problem is the other side of the pendulum is that a lot of people in culture just don't show up for the things that do matter. And they do it in the name of protecting their peace. And so they're not coming to church in person. And they're not serving in the church. And they're not following through with their commitments. And so that's the other side of the pendulum. And I don't, I am absolutely not encouraging you to do that. And so it's a tension that has to be constantly managed. And if you're struggling with what that tension looks like, I encourage you to go and talk to a leader at your church, again, a connect group. You can also join the, actually, I think I forgot to mention this, the pain. Oh, maybe it's coming in my notes later. The made a whole academy is launching soon. And we have weekly coaching with that. And so you can ask these kind of questions there so that you can get some encouragement specific to your season. Okay. All right. Let's go to the next one. Number two, review your rhythms. Okay. So I do hope I mentioned this a little bit in the last one. But I hope that you currently have rhythms that sustain you. So in order to thrive in our lives, we absolutely need to have rhythms each week that connect to our values and sustain us, right? So that says that they sustain us individually with holistic care for ourself. That's when I like to say instead of self care, holistic care for ourselves, they sustain our relationships, our marriages, our kids, our friendships, and these should be things that are non-negotiables that happen every week. And rhythms, it's just like the right in music. I have no rhythm. My husband tells me, but in music, there's a rhythm that carries the music forward and connects all of it. And that's how the rhythms of our life should be is that all throughout the week, it's like this, this beat going on where we are caring for ourself, we're caring for our marriage, we're caring for our kids, right? And we're pouring into those things. And so if your week looks more like just chaos, and there's no, it's kind of all over the place, there's no rhythm, there's no beat, kind of like anytime I try and create a rhythm, then that's when it's the fragmented life and we have a problem. Okay, but as fall grows busier, we've got to re-evaluate what these rhythms look like, okay? Often during the summer months, these can look so different and can feel so different and there you don't have to be as ruthless about your schedule because there's extra time and there's less places you have to be. And so the rhythms kind of maybe more naturally happen, but in the fall, when everything amps up a little bit and there's nothing wrong with it, amping up, but we've just got to be more intentional to make sure the rhythms are in place so that we can be sustained through all that God has called us to do, okay? Put your rhythms in before everything else. So, you know where to say no, okay? So that's, that's going to help you to figure out where that no is as well as if you have your rhythms in place first, then they're already there, they're already a non-negotiable and you can therefore know that, okay, I'm actually not free on Friday nights because we have this thing with our family, which is typically us. We love our pizza night and movie night and it's the best and it's just a breath of fresh air in our week and there are times we go to things on a Friday night, but most of the time we're at home because we're tired from the week and it just helps us reset. And so that's a rhythm we have that helps sustain us. We also do pancakes on Saturday mornings because that helps get us excited and I know it's all like the carbs, but it's great. We love it. And we usually read bikes to pancakes if it helps, although with a newborn that is impossible and it's very sad. But we have these rhythms with my husband and I have sacred time every week. I know I talk about these things a lot on here for those of you that listen, but these are just examples to make sure you know we have time with God every day. You should have a bedtime routine where it helps you wind down and slow down and get to bed on time and feel refreshed and replenish. Okay, so where are your rhythms at now? And again, whatever you say your values are, if you don't see that on a weekly basis, then it's probably not actually a value. Okay, so if you don't see time with God on your week, then it's not actually a value. I understand in your heart it is, but our lives are therefore not lined up with that. Because if it's not on our schedule, it's not actually a lived value. If church is not on your schedule, if family's not on your schedule, if family dinners are not on your schedule, if Sabbath is not on your schedule, if exercise is not on your schedule, right? These are things that we have to not just say we value, but actually live it out, okay? Now also Sabbath, I just want to touch on this for two seconds. Don't get too technical with this. Sabbath, the goal of it is a day of rest, a day of joyful delight. And now it doesn't have to be an exact 24-hour period, especially if you have little kids. This often has to look a little bit different. And so it kind of maybe moves around. Like most of the time for us, it's like Friday afternoons to Saturday afternoons. It's kind of like a split thing, but sometimes sports are in there. And so it's a little bit, you know, maybe it's Friday afternoons and then Saturday afternoons. And so it looks a little bit different, but we try and slow down as a family to refresh ourselves. So don't get too caught up in, it has to be this perfect 24 hours, but try and carve out a day of rest in your week. God, God commands it. Okay, next, inventory where you need growth. Okay, so as I'm thinking about the the fall, I, you know, change is always a great opportunity to slow down and look back. And really kind of take the birds of you, I think so often we go throughout our weeks, which turn into our months, and we're just going from thing to thing to thing. And we're just doing what's in front of us. And we've got a lot in front of us, so we've got to just keep going, but we too infrequently, we don't step back and look at a higher level and say, okay, where am I living life on purpose? Where am I struggling? Where am I thriving? What do I need to do in order to adjust things so that I'm thriving in more areas? Okay. And so with growth, the goal is that we should always be growing. Always. That's what it looks like to follow Jesus is for the rest of our life. We get to grow. And so if you don't feel like you've grown, or maybe there's some certain areas of your life that it's, ooh, they've been kind of stuck for a while, it's time to get really intentional. And this is a great opportunity as we go into this season to set a specific intention. Okay, so if you're not already kind of moving in this direction, I want to ask you a couple questions to help you figure out what next steps you might take. So number one, what area is most hurting right now? So I want you to think of the area of your life that is kind of on fire. That is the most frustrating, that is the most painful, most confusing, okay? Maybe it's your marriage, maybe it's parenting, maybe it's your house, maybe it's how you're showing up, you're just so sick of how you show up with anger or anxiety or control or whatever that might be. Maybe it's numbing, like you're just constantly numbing out on your phone and kind of a zombie and not really present with everyone. Maybe it's your mental health and you're just really struggling, whatever it might be, it doesn't have to stay that way. Now, I hit these moments all the time where I look at, I realize an area is just so frustrating and I feel so stuck, but I remind myself each time it doesn't have to stay this way. There's always possibility, there's always growth, there's always hope, but what we got to do is we've got to make a plan to change things, okay? And it can be as simple as reading a new book, it could be as simple as getting a new course, it could be as simple as maybe joining a connect group at church so that you're now surrounded by people, there's so many simple things you can do but we've got to make a plan. I know I've been thinking about the second half of this year and kind of what I wanted to be focused on and I'm just revisiting some of the family and parenting content that has helped us, my husband and I so much in the past and it's just getting me so excited because this is I think an area where we want to kind of lean in in the moment, there's been a lot of intense few months that and so it's time to kind of like tweak things a little bit and make sure that we're doing family and parenting completely on purpose and pulling on some strategies that we've read these books, we've done these courses but we're revisiting them again because we often forget everything, right? It's so sadly true and so I'm so excited about this and so I want you to think about what area of your life is that area that you really need to zoom in and get some resources and make a plan to change, okay? Now one of the things that I want to invite you into, if you are like okay I have so much I need to change, I feel so stuck, I feel so overwhelmed, there's too much to change or maybe it's it's just how you're showing up but you don't know what to do, maybe it's your relationships that are hurting but you don't know what that next step is and so I want to invite you into the Made Whole Academy, it kicks off September 10th and this is where you get to finally understand yourself and learn the tools to change so when we don't understand why we keep repeating the same patterns, sometimes it feels hopeless because we don't know why we're doing it again and again and so this is an opportunity to actually understand why you're doing what you're doing and then not just understand it but learn the tools that will change it, completely change your brain and change how you respond, change your relationships, it is powerful stuff and it's a 10 week journey, we do it live with each other, it's a group of women just like you that are walking through the same things, struggling with the same things, we meet weekly for group coaching and in between the group coaching you will meet with God and watch some videos and do some worksheets and some really deep thinking and exercises to really help you move forward and begin changing the patterns in your life so it can help you stop the anger, anxiety, numbing can help you with relationships you feel stuck in and it's just my favorite, I just love getting to know you, I get to hear your story and meet with you weekly and it's just so beautiful every single time what God does so I want to I want to invite you into that and it okay starts again September 10th if you join before August 17th you get a free 30 minute one-on-one call with me so that is a huge bonus I don't do any individual coaching for the most part and so this is like a once chance to have this and I always love it I just get to know you and it's amazing and so I extended the deadline a little bit it's supposed to be August 10th I'm going to let you have till August 17th because I have not been talking about this so if you know you're going to join anyway just join before August 17th so that you can get the extra call okay and once you join immediately good access to the pre-work so you can actually just start immediately working on some of the things to prepare your heart and your mind for what's to come and the unstuck workshop is a free bonus in all of this as well okay so come join me I'm going to have some students and some some graduates come on the podcast you and tell about their experience but I want to invite you into that and if you know this fall it's time to change some things and this might be the next step for you so I hope to see you there okay last one so quickly and it's kind of silly but I just had to go there we've got to invite the cozy okay so we're going to live a whole fall we've also got to have some fun we're not just setting boundaries and you know figuring in all these systems and growing but we're going to also have some fun so this one I feel like is kind of a joke where I live because we're about to enter our hottest months but I still do these things and my heart is my heart believes that it's fall just like you that actually get a fall so do something that just feels cozy I think when I think of fall I'm coziness I think of like reading a new book when I'm about to read that my pastor recommended is called Theo of Golden I haven't read it yet but I've heard it's amazing so if you need a book recommendation there you go like a fiction book I love nonfiction but I also have recently started reading fiction at night and it makes me want to go to bed earlier so it's just a beautiful thing maybe this fall you need to start a new tea habit tea is so cozy and I'll even drink it when it's hot outside so that might be something maybe you need to get your cozy blankets in your home and make them more accessible and curl up under them maybe light a candle or find some good essential oil okay I love this time of year my favorite essential oil ever is harvest spice it's by doTERRA I just love it it smells so good I sometimes just diffuse it all year round because I love the smell but I want to start being intentional to set this daily because sometimes I get out of habit of it but it makes everything feel like fall and feel so cozy okay so what are you gonna do to celebrate this season and press into the cozy and have a little bit of fun I hope that you are excited for this season as I am and just use it as a chance to reset and refresh and know that wherever you are it doesn't have to be that way there's always more waiting for you let me just pray for you gotta just thank you for change I think you've got the seasons that you've built into our life Lord and I just pray for everyone listening God that you would just give her excitement and hope for this new season would you just lean in and give her fresh vision for where you want to take her God and I just pray you would give her just the tools and ideas and strategies so that she could make some changes and shifts this fall to have an amazing fall and walk in the wholeness that she was made for we just thank you Lord for this this cozy season and all these these fun months God and we're just so blessed to get to be alive Lord you are amazing and we love you and Jesus and we pray amen love you hey friend I hope that God used today's episode to speak to you or encourage you in some way and if he did don't leave it just with you there is someone else in your life that needs to hear the encouragement that you heard today so be sure to share it. And maybe you're still feeling stuck and you're realizing that you're in the same place day after day and nothing is changing and you need to take it a step deeper. If that's you, then the unstuck workshop is your next step. You can finish the whole thing in a day and begin getting unstuck. You can find out all the details at madeholdpath.com. Lastly, if the show is meant something to you, I can't tell you how helpful it is for me if you leave a review. I am deeply encouraged and it also helps other women find the hope and tools that you found. I'm so very grateful for your friend. I can't say it enough and I can't wait to see all that God has in store for you.