Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not To Screw Up Your Kids podcast, the deeper dive episodes designed to unpick a thorny topic so you can take away manageable actions which you can implement today. I'm your host, Dr Mary Henn, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode is all about that all too familiar challenge we face, struggling with a child who won't listen, no matter how many times we ask. In this episode, you'll learn what to do in the moment to get cooperation without shouting, repeating yourself or escalating the situation. So, if you are dealing with daily power struggles, frustration or you're feeling ignored, you are not alone. Genuinely, many parents find themselves stuck in these patterns that don't work, especially and let's face it, it's when it happens the most. The most difficult time is often during those stressful times like mornings, transitions and bedtimes. So, in this episode, I'm going to break it down into three things to make it easy, manageable and much more straightforward for you to take away what you need for your family with your children. So, we're going to start with the first one, which is to take away what you need for your family with your children. So, we're going to look at why children don't listen, even when they do hear you, a simple technique that you can use immediately and finally, how to reduce daily battles and improve behaviour so that you have one thing that you can try tonight. And so, the idea is that by approaching it in the way that I've set out, the strategies that you're going to get will hopefully help you to build that connection that you have that we want to kind of nurture and cultivate because that connection significantly improves listening and therefore creates a calmer routine at home because we're not feeling like we've got to repeat ourselves 10 million times when we've asked the same thing countless times or our children only ever respond when we get to that escalated shout. So, you're probably all too familiar because we've all been there. So, let's consider for a moment why children don't listen. I've decided to do this first and to even include this in this particular episode is I think generally, when we're able to understand why things don't happen, we can typically be a little bit more compassionate. I mean, we're juggling multiple things. We need our children to do what we ask them to do. But I do feel if we understand some of the things that might be getting in the way, then hopefully that will help us think about, oh, okay, my situation, maybe it's number two that's happening or maybe it's number three that's happening. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe it's number one or whatever it might be. So, I've got three broad reasons why our children don't listen. And I think the first one I would remind us about is that being able to listen is about developing the ability to self-regulate. Because if you think about this for a minute, in order for your child to listen to you and what you're asking them to do, which is often requires action. So, they need to be able to take what you're saying and then take action. Children need to be able to switch between the task that they're currently engaged in, in order to listen and then execute the task that you've asked them to. And that is a prefrontal cortex job, right? So, it's basically the bit of the brain behind your forehead where problem solving, rational decision-making, all the kind of more high-end critical thinking happens, right? So, our child needs to have a pretty developed prefrontal cortex in order to do that. So, when we're talking about super, super young children, that's a process that is happening. And what I would also remind you about is that children's brains develop at different rates. So, whilst we talk a lot about thousands of neural connections and zero to five children's brains are going through the biggest expansion and then they go through another big one when they're 11, it isn't linear. It's not like every aspect of their thinking and their brain structures develop at the same rate at the same time. These are skills-based. And so, if our child has dedicated lots of time and attention to things that create that prefrontal cortex and certain skills, if they've practiced it a lot, if they have been exposed to scenarios where they get to practice that, then of course that will develop at a different rate to another child's. So, we've got to remember that there isn't this linear path, that we shouldn't be having an expectation. My goodness me, you are 12 years old. You should be able to do what I asked you what to do the first time, because that is not going to be the case. If your child, when you think about all the other situations that your child navigates regularly, if they're not able to make that transition from something they're fully engaged in into the next thing, regardless of their age, then it is highly unlikely that they are going to be able to listen to you. Because it requires the same transitionary skills. So, I think when we can view it that way, I think we can take it less personally. I mean, I don't know about you, but when my children don't listen to me, and I have to ask them a million times, and/or I have to raise my voice, I really feel like there's no respect. They don't care about me. I'm not an important person. And I do take it personally. So, I think sometimes when we're able to take that step back, it is super helpful. So, of course, we can be maybe a little bit more compassionate about a young child not listening. But remember that our tweens and our teens, from age 11 up to between 23 and 26, we can't seem to make up our minds about when the brain fully matures. But in that second tranche as well, where the prefrontal cortex in my mind is like where the scaffolding goes up, then we can get another set. So, it can be that our children were listening to us maybe a little bit better when they were seven, eight, nine, 10. And then suddenly, overnight, they've turned into, maybe even at 10, they've turned into this moody, grunting, what we would consider a teenager who doesn't listen. So, just be aware, I guess the root bit of this is how easy does your child find transitioning from one thing to the next, because that's what listening requires them to do. So, that's number one. That's one of the main reasons why children don't listen. The second really big reason why our children don't listen are reinforced patterns of behavior. All right? And I say that because I think it's important. I say this with love. And this is where we have to do the reflective piece. Think about how the scenario plays out at home when you are asking your child to do something. If you are like me, it's pretty scattergun. It's like one request after another request after another request. And more often than not, when I've got my back to them and I've just remembered to please do this as well. So, that's the first pattern. Yeah? What patterns of behavior has my child learned? So, number one could be, "Mum, I'm here. Mum asks me multiple things at the same time when she remembers a whole host of things." B, "Mum doesn't need them actioned immediately, but she's just literally letting me know all of the things that I need to do." And then C is that, "Mum will tell me multiple times about getting this thing done, and I generally don't need to get on with it until she's shouted because that's when she actually really wants it done." So, we just need to ask ourselves, as we reflect in our family, when we give instructions to our children and we ask them to do something, what are the reinforced patterns of behavior that they have learned? Because if you're anything like me and what I've just described resonates with you, then that is why they're not listening. So, we have to change the way that we ask the instruction to give our children the best chance of listening and create a new set of reinforced patterns. Do not worry. I've got you covered. We are going to be covering that. All right? So, that's number two. That's the other second reason why children don't listen. And the third reason can simply be a need for independence. So, if we have a child and I'm, you know, all children reach certain levels and ages and stages of wanting to have a certain amount of autonomy. Yeah? I want to make decisions. I want to be in charge of my own life. Now, that could be your 18-month-old or that might not happen for you until you've got a 16-year-old. Or you may well have periods of time during their development where they really need that independence and other times that they don't. If we are not creating opportunities for our children to feel some sense of agency, so they get to make some choices. Obviously, they need to be the right choices. We're not… By that, I don't mean they need to make the right choices. It's more a case of we need to present them with opportunities where they can make choices that are consistent with how we want to parent. So, there may well be choices around which vegetable combinations our children might want to have with their meal, which order we do bath time and then maybe reading, for example, a storybook. But what we don't negotiate or give them choices on is what time they go to bed. So, that's what I mean by making the right choices. So, if our child feels that they are… they have no control over their lives, they have no autonomy, and for your child it's super important or they've reached an age and stage where we really should be giving them more So, Sometimes the reason why they're not listening is because for them, that's a real opportunity to exert a certain element of independence. Like, don't tell me what to do, when to do it. I don't get to choose anything in this house. I don't get to decide anything, but I get to choose whether I listen to you or whether I don't. And that isn't a conscious, I'm going to sit here and contemplate how can I really annoy my parents. But it comes from that place of, I just don't have any sense of agency, but I can have a certain sense of agency as to whether I listen and whether I act on what I'm asked to do. So those are the common reasons why we don't listen. And I think, think about where you feel that may well be showing up the most in your family, because then you can, you can then, as we talk about how, what we can do, you can be thinking about, where the emphasis might need to be for your particular family. So that's the common reasons why children don't listen. So now I want to share with you a simple technique to use in the moment, and you can use this today. So number one is we want to stop and get down to our child's level. So get down to their eye level. Yes, it's going to take time. Yes, it means you can't do a Mary Han and be calling instructions over your shoulder, but it will pay off. If you remember, we go back to, one of the reasons why children struggle is this transition piece. If we want to optimize that transition, we need to get down to their level and get to their eye line. The next thing we need to do is we need to touch them so that they are then aware that we are engaging with them. Now, whether that's on the shoulder, whether it's on the hand or arm, wherever it might be, it is literally the lightest of touches. It isn't a nod, a nudge. It isn't a stabbing, finger pointing. It's just simply I'm making contact with you. Because what that does is we've gone down to their eye level. We've made contact. Whatever it is they're doing, even if they're just staring into space, what they will then do is they will then turn their eye and their gaze directly to you. Now you've got their full and undivided attention. So what we then want to do, because it may well be transitory, because we've taken them away from something that they were loving doing beforehand, is we want to give them a clear, calm, and minimal word. Use instruction. It's time to put your shoes on. Yeah? Tidy your bedroom. It's dinner time. Come to the table. We need to do homework. Short, sharp, no need to get into all of the other bits about you've played longer than you were supposed to and now it's time that we need to do it. Keep it short and sharp. Think of it on the basis that you may have only a finite amount of time before their attention then becomes redirected back to what they're doing. So we've given them a clear, a calm, and minimal words. Use instruction. Now we want to ask them gently, can you just repeat back what I've asked you to do? And the reason why I add this is because that gives us the best possibility of A, has my child actually listened to me? Have they fully understood what they need, what I've asked them to do? And B, a child is much more likely to do what they have said than what we have said. So we're just getting that clarity and then reinforcement. And I always personally add the fifth one is I thank them for great listening. Thanks, that was great listening. So that we make that acknowledgement that we've interrupted something that they were doing, we've given them an instruction, they've paraphrased back to us what that instruction is, and we're really grateful for that. So try that simple technique tonight and let me know how you get on. But I don't want you to go just yet because what I want to do finally is talk to you. I want to talk about ways that we can reduce the battles generally. So how can we, you can use that in the moment, and that will work each and every time. But I want us to think about broader and longer term, how can we reduce those daily battles and improve behavior generally, ongoing, so it isn't just become a just that one strategy. And what I would say is I've got four points here. The first is use the technique regularly that I've just talked to you through. Yeah, and it's that, you know, stopping and getting in the way is that stopping and getting down to their level. So use that simple technique. But what I would also say is layer on top of these, any potential barriers that you have identified. So whether that's a developmental, as in my child really struggles with transitions. So we may have to add in some extra things that encourage our children with those transitions that help them in those moments. If it's a need for independence, and we've not really been able, we know, we've become aware now that you've listened to this, okay, right, I've got a child actually, who needs a bit of independence, can I reflect back on what our daily routine looks like? And can I find opportunities to give them choice to give them a sense of agency and a bit of autonomy? Or is it that we've got some reinforced patterns of behavior, and we just need to accept and ride out the fact that using this simple technique. Once we've done it. Enough times, we're going to hit a bit of a critical mass that our child and our children will then learn that this is the way requests are made in our house. And there is none of this raising voices. And then that's the time that I act, because actually, I act as soon as I've been given the instruction, because I paraphrase back, and I've been praised for what I'm doing. So use that technique and then layer on. The second one is about being really intentional about giving choices where possible, and particularly with children. So, I'm going to give you a few examples of what I would say to children who want, who may really want autonomy, and this can happen at any age. The third tip that I would say is really focus on what you want in the instruction and not what you don't want. So I don't want you to be playing with that anymore, because we need to go. That's not as helpful as you need to put your shoes on. Because that's a really clear what my expectation is. When it's a, you can't play with that anymore, because we need to get our shoes on, we need to go. Your child's got to unpick. multiple words to get to actually, what is it that my parent wants me to do? Otherwise, they just pick a, they just don't want me to play this anymore. So really focus on the instructions and what we're asking them to be, what we're asking them to do is very much a, what we want them to do, very clear and concise. The fourth one is model good listening. So do your active listening with your children. So really engage in the conversations that they have with them. Ask probing questions. Paraphrase back what you think that you've heard. So you're really modeling to them. This is what great listening looks like. This is what it means to listen. So because our children are much more likely to pick up on what they see us doing than what we say. And the fifth one is when your child does great listening, praise them and be super descriptive about why. I love that you did some great listening there because I asked you to do this and you just got up and I know you were having a great time. Playing with your toys and you just came straight to the table to eat your dinner immediately. How impressive is that? Such great listening. So just adding that descriptive praise is also going to help you change some of those old reinforced patterns of behavior and develop those new ones. So let me know how you get on with a simple technique tonight. That one thing that you can try and how it pans out. And of course, send your answers into contact at drmary.com. Because I always love hearing your feedback when you've used a technique. And if you have found this episode helpful, and let's face it, what's not defined helpful about getting our kids to listen, then why not consider sharing this episode with a friend who may also benefit from hearing the advice. And if you have not yet done so, please, pretty please, could you take a moment to rate and review the podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. Bye.
PodcastTranscript AI