Speaker 1This episode is brought to you by Biogland Smart Minds. It's that long stretch to Christmas. Short days, tired children, and for the older ones, mocks on the horizon. Some need help winding down, some need help focusing, some just need their mood lifted on a grey afternoon. I've leaned on a little support myself as a mum. Biogland Smart Minds are sugar-free gummies designed to support growing minds, balance mood and restful sleep. Find them online and in store at Holland and Barrett. The clocks went back. You're walking your children in the dark. You are doing the school run in the dark. By the time they come home, the evening is already gone and something shifts in the house, in the children, in us. Moods dip, motivation drops, the child who managed September and October reasonably well seems harder to reach. Flatter, quicker to snap, less interested in the things which usually bring them to life. This episode is about what is actually happening when the dark gets in. The science, kept simple, I promise, how it shows up by age and five things which actually help. Practical things for real family mornings which don't require you to add anything to the nine minutes between getting up and getting out of the door. And if you're new here or have not yet, hit follow so the next episode finds you automatically. Now, let's get into it. How are you doing this morning, this afternoon, this evening? Let's talk a little bit about what happens with this daylight because daylight regulates almost everything in a child's and also an adult's body. It regulates sleep, mood, energy, appetite, concentration, you name it. And when the day's short, you're not alone. You're not alone. You're not alone. You're not alone. So let's get into it. I just feel it. And what parents and teachers describe to me every November is that children who are harder to get moving in the morning, who seem flatter than usual, who are quicker to cry or snap, whose homework takes twice as long because concentration has gone entirely. Now, let's go back to my favourite analogy, the bucket. Now, when we think about the bucket in November, we know every child carries a bucket. We know every child carries a bucket. Every adult carries a bucket. But when we think about it in November, through the day, that bucket fills with the alarm going off in the dark, the cold morning, the expectations of school, maybe the friendship worry, the homework, the relentlessness of a long term with no end in sight. And through the day, with the right things in place, the bucket can empty. Maybe a child who's absorbed in something they love, Lego. Drawing, reading a book, jumping on the trampoline, an immersive game, maybe a proper conversation about something which matters to them. Movement is always a brilliant one. Something which is just for them with no outcome attached. Now, when we think about in the summer, emptying that bucket happens almost by accident because we get these lovely long evenings outside. Our children can engage in this spontaneous in the moment play. They've got much more of that physical activity physical freedom. And the energy is much lighter everywhere. In November, the natural emptying practices, particularly those outside and in that lightness and in that physical space, often disappear because it gets dark before they're even home. Outdoor play typically tends to shrink. The weather's not always great and it's often dark and everyone is inside and they're tired and they're busy. So the bucket fills faster and the things which have typically emptied it are gone or more restricted. So what happens is you get this double hit in those dark months. And that is what, you know, that's where I want us to be intentionally and deliberately trying to counter. So how does this show up in our children? Let's consider it by age. So with toddlers and young children, what we may see is more clinginess, maybe more emotional volatility, tears over small things. Which they usually manage fine. And maybe more resistance to ordinary transitions, which maybe they've been handling well for months. With our primary school children, what we often see is flatter energy, yet more morning, more school morning resistance. But that can also spread into the weekends, but it's more pronounced in the school. Maybe more friendship sensitivities that those are heightened, less enthusiasm for activities they normally love and homework, which takes. Often twice or three times as long as it did before. And for our teenagers, what we often see is withdrawal, lower mood, later nights, harder mornings, you're struggling to go to sleep. The adolescent body clock we all we know is already running later than everyone else's. That's a that's a biology piece. That's not them. And reduced daylight makes this significantly worse. They may look like they can't be bothered. They may look like they don't care. They are in many cases, genuinely struggling to generate the energy that the day requires. Now, when we consider it across the fine and the wide lens, the fine lens looks at the problem that's presented in front of us. My child is flat. My child is hard to motivate. My child is hard to get out of bed. My child is more tearful or irritable in a way which feels different from their usual. When we zoom out and we take that wide lens view, this is not just a November problem to endure. It's an opportunity to build something which lasts and to focus on skills which they need, which will help them. So the ability to notice their own emotional state and physical state and where they're at, to understand what their body and mind are asking for, to know which practices empty their bucket. So a child who learns this at nine has a fundamentally different relationship with their own well-being at 19. So it's worth the time and the investment that we put in. So let's look at the five tips that we can do. Number one, do what you do already, just slightly differently. Yeah. So most families cannot add a single thing to the school morning. Yeah. We know that it's already a struggle. It's a massive juggle to get them out. And adding something I think would be unhelpful or to suggest we add something would be unhelpful. And I don't think we even need to do that. The question is not what, what can we add? I'd like you to consider a reframe to what can we do slightly differently with what we're already doing? And that's what I'm looking at. So draw the curtains back the moment you wake. Every curtain, every blind, straight away. Open the kitchen blinds while you're making breakfast. If the school run involves any walking at all, even if it's just walking from the car to a particular place, do some walking. If it's just walking from the car to a particular place, do some walking. And if you can create a little bit more walking, that would be really helpful because these are not necessarily wellness rituals. They're a 30 second adjustment to the things that we're already doing because morning light is what tells the brain the day has started and the melatonin can stand down or dial down. You don't need sunshine. This is light through a window or better still actually physically in the air as early in the morning as possible. So open the curtains. That's the tip. But think about it across the whole structure of how you do the school drop off. And are there ways that you can create opportunities for your child to have that light, but also to be in it for that little bit longer by walking? Now by ages, the morning light rule is curtains open immediately. Outside briefly, if it is humanly possible, I know that that isn't always possible. And for some of you may be thinking if I let them out, then I've got a bigger problem getting them back in and ready. But just think about where can we factor that in. Teenagers specifically, the temptation is blackout curtains and no morning light. Even if you try to open it, there's a resistance because of course they're groggy. They're still sleepy. They don't want to get up. And it's the exact opposite of what happens when you open the curtains. You don't want to get up. So it's worth a gentle conversation, not a lecture, just information. Would you be willing to give it a try? I'm not asking you to get out of bed. I'm just getting, do I have your permission to come into your room and open those curtains? Just a conversation so that they can see and notice and observe what might be different. Number two, protect the after school emptying window. The hour after school is, in my view, the most important hour of the day. November. and to be honest with you, in every single month. But I think it could be particularly helpful when we get that November wobble. And yet I think that hour after school is often the most endangered. What I hear from parents is that it gets swallowed up by homework, clubs, errands, screens while dinner is being made. And none of these empty the bucket. They have their time. We can factor these into their evenings and after school. I just feel that that first hour can be really crucial at emptying that bucket. You know, the bucket empties. Remember when our child is absorbed in something that they love without pressure, that is something specific that allows them to engage rather than what I say is, you know, if they're watching something on television or if they're on a screen, it simply presses pause. It doesn't empty the bucket. Doesn't mean that they can't do that. It's the timing that is crucial. And that first hour, that 30 minutes is really crucial. Even if you can only manage 20 minutes before anything is asked of them of genuine absorption, that will change the trajectory of your whole evening and will save you countless minutes, possibly hours of distress at the other end. And I think it's not an indulgence, it's genuinely a maintenance. Now, when we think about this by age with our younger children, that bucket emptying, if it could be physical, if possible, the trampoline, the bike, making something even briefly outside. With primary school children, whatever they're currently absorbed in, whether that's creating something, whether that's building something, whether that's being absorbed in a particular book, put it in front of them and leave them alone with it. Do not ask about homework for 20 minutes. Now for teenagers, their version of absorption is not always what ours looks like. So a game, their music, an episode of something they're following, if it's genuinely immersive, if it genuinely empties their bucket rather than mindless scrolling, then that is what we want them to do. The question is not what they are doing, it's whether they're doing it and it's emptying their bucket or it's just numbing out. Number three, anchor one rhythm. When the days are short and the natural light cues are reduced, children's bodies rely on the rhythm. rely more heavily on routine to know where they are. Now you do not need a rigid timetable, you just need one fixed anchor. A consistent wake-up time does the most work. The same time every day and yes, including weekends, because what typically happens here is we push all of the limits at the weekend, maybe on a Friday they get to stay up, Friday, Saturday they get to stay up much later and so that shifts everything. means we're just stuck back in that spiral on that Monday. So instead, if we enrich the days at the weekend with that downtime and that decompression and that connection, what that still does is it gives us that permission to then still keep that bedtime the same, even as much as is humanly possible. You know, letting a child lie in until 10 on Saturday shifts their body clock later, which makes Monday morning feel like being woken in the middle of the night. And the rhythm matters, particularly in this month of November and into December. Even when we're all desperate for a line, it's really helpful if we do that. Rhythm also means one fixed warm point in the week, maybe a family meal, a film maybe together on a Friday evening, a Sunday morning ritual, which everyone can count on. In November, predictable warmth is what keeps children oriented when everything else feels grey and relentless. Number four, move the body and lower the bar until the barrier disappears. Movement is one of the most robustly evidenced mood lifters we have for children and also for adults. 20 minutes of physical activity, which gets the heart rate up, produces a mood lift which lasts hours. Now, what parents consistently describe and what teachers confirm, is that a child who has moved is a categorically different child to one who hasn't. But I am aware of the barriers. So I know I do. I genuinely do. And the output is so potent and so powerful. It's about can we lower the bar? Can we find ways? Because in November, the barrier is that the motivation to move is probably lowest exactly when it should be the highest. So we want to lower the bar until that barrier completely disappears. And then we want to lower the bar until the barrier disappears. So what does this look like? So for younger children, movement is already in their play. So we want to protect it, even when it's cold and dark, and everyone would rather stay inside. I always remember the phrase from when my children were younger about, you know, there's no such thing as bad weather, there's just poorly equipped children. So, you know, cuddled up and in a good coat and wellies and all sorts, we can do so much outside. It's just about having the right gear on. And so they can do that. We think about primary age children, maybe 10 minutes before their homework, a walk. So maybe parking our car that little bit further, or taking the dog for a walk, or getting them to help you with specific errands that get them outside. Maybe a kick of a ball, a quick run around. It does genuinely change the entire evening, even though you're probably feeling exhausted. And it's the last thing that you want to do. I would just suggest maybe give it a go. Give it a go at the weekend. And see how that changes the mood and bedtime when you're keeping it the same. Now, teenagers, we don't probably don't want to pitch it as exercise because we'll get eye rolls and grunts. Instead, five minutes, their music outside if possible, not performance, not fitness, just movement. Movement guised as something else is still movement. So maybe they can run some errands. Maybe they can walk the dog. Maybe they can take the bins out. Just anything that gets them out and into that air and having some form of movement. Number five, give it a name and empty the bucket together. The most underrated thing a parent can do in November is name what is happening and then sit with their child in the emptying of it. I think we're both feeling the dark a bit this week. That's real. It happens every November. That sentence does three things. It normalizes. Yeah, this happens every November. It removes shame. I think we're both and it opens a door. Then, and this is the part which matters, do something together which empties the bucket. Watch something you both love. Cook together. Go for a walk in the dark with torches. They love that. Sit with them while they draw or color or build something. Not fixing, not improving, not scheduling. Just being present while the bucket gets a little lighter. And what I hear from children and teenagers is the thing which is the most important thing is the thing which is helps most in the dark months is not a strategy. It is knowing that someone notices and is not alarmed. Now, by age, for younger children, we might say things like, your body is feeling the dark mornings. That's why you feel a bit slow today. Let's do something which makes us feel better. Then do it with them. With primary school children, the proud question, what made you proud today? And also, what was the best bit? Training children to notice the good things builds a more resilient mood baseline, a small habit with a long reach. And for our teenagers, I know November is hard for you. You're not imagining it. What would help? And then crucially, accept the answer, even if the answer is nothing. Just leave me alone for a bit. That is an answer. It tells you what they need. Give it to them. Now, what does this look like generally across the different ages? Younger children need more physical release and more parental presence in the emptying, not managing from a distance, but alongside. Primary age children need the after-school absorption window protected, the rhythm anchored, and one named weekly bright spot that they can count on, whether that's film night on a Friday, whether that's a specific walk that you do, or just some family games on a Saturday. Teenagers need the morning bar kept realistic, yeah? Movement made as frictionless as possible, and the message, repeated without agenda, that the dip is real and understandable, not laziness, not ingratitude, not something wrong with them. Now, a note on neurodivergent children. Children who are autistic, ADHD, or processing the world with a more sensitive nervous system often feel the November shift more intensely. Their buckets were already working hard. They were already working hard. They were already working harder than their peers. Disrupted routines, changed light, the sensory flatness of dark mornings, all of this adds to an already higher load. The same five approaches apply to simply with a higher dose of everything. More predictability, more explicit language about what is happening and why, more patience, and how long the adjustment takes, and a more carefully protected emptying window every single day. a single day without exception. this gives you a bit of a framework. Think about maybe just shifting one thing, looking at one of those five tips. The one that you think when you sort of reflect is probably something that you're not doing much of and you think probably would have the biggest impact. Now next Monday, if your child seems flat or particularly disconnected this November, loneliness might be part of what's going on. I'll look at five practical ways to help your teenager and your child feel less alone. The dark months are not a problem to be solved. They are a season to be navigated and the navigation is quieter and smaller than you might think. Open the curtains, protect the 20 minutes after school, keep one fixed warm point in the week, move a little and sit with your child in the emptying. November doesn't have to be the month everything falls apart. It can be the month you work out together what fills you back up. I'm Dr Mary Henn and I'll see you next time. I'm Dr Mary Henn and I'll see you next time.
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