Why You're Sober But Still Have the Same Problems

Hey everybody, welcome to the Addiction Unlimited podcast where you get to learn everything you want to know about addiction and recovery. I'm your host, Angela Pugh, co-founder of Kansas City Recovery, Life Coach and Recovery and Alcoholic. To learn more about me, you can listen to episode zero on your podcast app or find us on the web at AddictionUnlimited.com. Hello my friend, welcome back to Addiction Unlimited. This podcast is for people who are sober or trying to be, but know that quitting drinking isn't enough. And you want to heal the patterns underneath the behavior so sobriety actually lasts. Today I'm answering a question I get all the time. Why am I sober, but still have all the same problems I had when I was drinking? And let's talk about this because drinking is a symptom of the problem. It's not the actual problem. It makes everything worse for sure, but it's only a symptom. If you change the drink but don't change the patterns, then you're just living your drinking life without alcohol. Drinking habits, drinking choices, drinking relationships, drinking places. When I quit drinking, I didn't want all the drinking life things anymore. I wanted to make good choices in my life. I wanted to be honest. I wanted to be responsible. I wanted people to feel like they could count on me. I wanted to be trusted. I wanted to feel like I had control of my life. Instead of being a hot mess, jumping from one thing to the next, I wanted to be strong and capable of handling my life. Instead of powerless and weak and diving into the bottom of the bottle to hide from every feeling or discomfort I felt. I wanted to be confident instead of broken. I wanted power over my wounds instead of them holding me hostage. Getting sober is quitting drinking, but just putting down the drink didn't do anything for my life. It gave me a clearer head, but I didn't all of a sudden make great choices. It allowed me the luxury of remembering everything I didn't say, but it didn't magically make me sane or patient or kind or strong, emotionally stable or capable. Quitting drinking didn't remove all my fears, fear of judgment, fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success, a thousand kinds of fears that dragged me back to the bottle every day. It didn't remove my selfishness and my uncanny ability to only think of myself and only take actions that in some way serve me because all I thought about was me. It didn't magically remove all my trauma and all the side effects of the trauma. Those were my patterns that made me feel uncomfortable, that made me feel like I didn't fit, like I wasn't good enough, I wasn't lovable and I would never be enough. Sobriety removes alcohol, recovery heals the patterns. And some other patterns you might relate to, people pleasing, avoidance, emotional reactivity, self-sabotage, codependence, victimhood, anger, and those are just some of the patterns. There are many. But drinking is a symptom of the problem, it makes life worse, but it's not the whole problem. The problem is reaching for something external, drink smoke, sex, shop, gamble, it's using those external things to soothe internal struggles. What you're really seeking is relief, escape, connection, or comfort. And when you're drinking, it allows you to make shitty choices based on shitty criteria. Right, your home on a Friday night, you're feeling bored, a little fomo, lonely. Having a few drinks will numb all of that. And it will lower your inhibitions and maybe you reach out to an ex because you're feeling a little spicy. And then there are repercussions for that because they're an ex for a reason. But you were functioning on instant gratification, wanting to feel good right this second. So you made shitty choices based on shitty criteria. Then you want to beat yourself up for it and wonder why you don't feel good about yourself. Well, you can't feel good about yourself when you make shitty choices based on shitty criteria. Now if you're already sober, this will play out a little differently because you won't drink, but you'll probably buy all that shit you've been piling up in your Amazon cart. Get a little hit of spend orphans. Right, and then be pissed at yourself because you spent money. You really didn't want to spend on stuff you probably really don't need when you told yourself you weren't going to do that anymore. See that? Those are patterns. And those patterns create feelings, disappointment, embarrassment, regret, self-loathing. And those feelings are what you use alcohol to numb. Alcohol is only a symptom of the problem. The problem is all the shit you're trying to numb, relieve, or escape. Or the connection you're trying to manufacture because your relationships are surface level drinking friends, or you and your partner have grown apart and feel more like roommates, or you don't have the relationships with your parents or your siblings that you wish you had so you feel lonely and disconnected. All the things you're trying to escape and numb, and you use alcohol as the tool to escape and numb. But that's all it is, is the tool. So when you take the alcohol away, you still have all the things you're trying to escape and numb. That's why you still have the same problems as when you were still drinking. The real truth is putting down the drink is the easy part. Recovery is the hard part and people don't get that. They think of quitting drinking as the finish line when quitting drinking is the starting line. Or you think of it as a checklist. I see this in 12 steps a lot too. People think they work the steps in their cure. You know, like I do, XYZ, check the things off the list and I'm finished. Sorry, my friend, that's just not how it works. Subridee or recovery is not a destination. It's not somewhere you get to and you're there and you're done. Recovery is a practice. It's something you continue to learn and continue to do and continue to get better at. And as life continues to be life, throwing you curve balls and unexpected hardships and difficulties to overcome, you will continue to need to practice and heal and evolve. I think one of the biggest challenges here is that emotions are so foreign to us in early sobriety. So I'm sitting here talking about loneliness, selfishness, disappointment and in some ways, these are more advanced recovery terms because when you're new, you can't identify a feeling to save your life. I was the same way. My sponsor would ask me like, "Oh, how do you feel about that?" And I remember being completely blank. Like I had no idea how to identify a feeling and I certainly didn't know how to articulate it or what to call it. How do I feel? How the fuck do I know? I don't know how I fucking feel. What the fuck does that even mean? You know? And he would break it down like, "Oh, do you feel this, and this, and this?" And it was like the clouds parted and the sun shined down and I was like, "Yes, that's exactly how I feel. How did you know that?" He taught me that stuff. Right. That's the importance of having someone to learn from, someone to guide you who is farther along in their emotional maturity than you are. You can't always see the things in yourself nor do you have the knowledge or words to identify and heal those things. And this, and I'll tell you this too. I can talk about selfishness, real easy now. But if you would have told me early on that I was selfish, I would have told you you were insane. Because I was a really nice person. I did a lot of shit for people and I felt like I was a giver. But when I got, and this is why I say these are kind of advanced recovery concepts. Because when I was able to get more honest, and my sponsor started pointing out my behaviors to me, and I started seeing the intention under the behaviors, I understood real quick everything I did was to serve me. It wasn't my intention. I didn't mean to be that way. I wasn't doing it in a mean way, but it is part of the human condition that we are real selfish. But if that word makes you get a little pissy with me, you think, well, I'm not selfish. I'm a mom and I do this. Well, you're probably a fucking people pleaser. And that's a whole different thing. But I'm saying these are concepts that you grow to understand. And I understand if you don't identify with all the words I use. use in this moment, just don't mark it off like, "Oh, that's not me. They're not talking about me. I'm not like that." Don't be like that. You have to have some humility and you have to understand that you don't even know what you don't know yet and you have to be open to learning. Again, you can't always see the things in yourself nor do you have the knowledge or words to identify and heal those things. And if that feels accurate for you, then start there. Start doing some research about some basic feelings and how they come up and what causes them. This is a beautiful thing now with Google, with AI. You can ask it anything and it will give you a whole breakdown. I'll go in and say, "I just did this a couple of weeks ago because I was noticing this behavior. I was noticing myself getting pissy and defensive in situations." And I'm like, "What the fuck is that? What is that button? Why am I triggered by this? What does it mean? Where does it come from? And how do I fix it?" Because I don't like getting pissy and defensive, right? That's amateur shit. And I'm a pro at this stage. I don't need to have amateur behavior at 20 years in, right? So I'm like, "I gotta figure out what this is." So I go in Google and say, "I've noticed this weird thing I do when this happens or somebody does this or says this thing. I notice I get defensive or it pisses me off." And I don't know what's that about. I don't know what that's about. Where does that stem from? Google or chat GPT will tell you everything. Probably more than you ever wanted to know. So if that's where you are, if you're in a stage of not being able to recognize what you're experiencing and that's making it challenging to know what to heal or work on or to understand the pattern, then start just figuring that out. And listen, this is where people make it or they don't. It's in the action. If you're going to listen to this episode and not follow through, if you would rather just stay stuck in your own BS and feel sorry for yourself, you are welcome to do that. But don't complain about it because you're making a conscious choice to stay stuck. But if you listen to this episode and it resonates with you and you're having some light bulb moments and you carve out half an hour later to actually take action and do some research to learn about yourself or reach out to someone about being your sponsor to work on this stuff or reach out to me to be your coach, you are in the very tiny percent of people who will make it. Action is the game changer. You're not expected to know all the things. You are expected to show up for yourself and figure out the fuck out because you are your responsibility. I am my responsibility and no one is going to do the work for you just like no one is going to do the work for me. So there it is. If you've been wondering why you still have all the same problems you had when you were drinking, now you know, drinking is only a symptom of the bigger problems, the underlying patterns that aren't healthy and we haven't yet learned a healthy way to cope. Listen to that inner voice that's chirping in your head 24/7. It will tell you what you're feeling. Write down some of the phrases your inner voice says to you. It won't feel good because most of us are really mean to ourselves in our heads. So it won't feel good. When I did this, I felt really embarrassed. And no one else even knew. It's not like I was sharing that shit with anybody. But I was embarrassed at the things I said to myself because I would never say those things to another human being. Never. But I'll say it to myself all day long. But write down some of that shit in your head and take it to Google or AI and say, these are some of the thoughts running through my head. What do they mean and how do I fix it? And remember, those of you who take action are the ones who will crush it and heal and feel better and slay. Those who listen and do nothing will get exactly that result. Nothing. I just did an episode about this. Presence is not equal to participation. Go back and listen to that one. If you're struggling with doing things, instead of just listening to things or reading things, I'll link it in the show notes for you. I think it was just two weeks ago. But I will link that in the show notes for you. And if you're ready to take big action and get big results and feel better, write the fuck now, then book a call with me. Addictionallimited.com/call. I've three spots open this month for private coaching. So book a call with me. And we'll figure out the right level of support for you where you are. Okay. I hope you're having a fantastic day and I will see you next week. You've reached the end of another great episode of the Addiction Unlimited podcast, candid and honest conversation about addiction and recovery. Be sure to visit us at AddictionUnlimited.com to join the conversation and access show notes and links to everything we talked about. Love this episode. Please take 30 seconds to subscribe, rate, and review on iTunes to help us improve and give you the information you want. Thanks for listening. See you next week. [Music]