Why You're Afraid to Share (And What It's Costing You) | Leslie John

Have you ever walked away from a conversation wondering if you shared too much or have you stayed silent in conversations to not share because you were afraid of what your partner or your friend might think of you? If you've ever wondered what you should share to your boss, your coworker, or your intimate partner to make sure you have the best relationship, this conversation is for you. In long-term relationships, why do they fall apart? Well, there was a study that looked at people who have loved each other for years and years and years. They brought the couples into the lab and they got each person to try to guess what their spouse was thinking and feeling. And they were wrong 80% of the time. Really? She's a Harvard Business School Professor, award-winning researcher and author who has been featured in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, and the economist where she teaches the art and science of communication. Leslie, thank you so much for being here. Another thing that really compounds the issue here is a concept called mind-reading expectations. It's really insidious because those of us who have mind-reading expectations, we implicitly believe that our partners should just know how we feel. They should just know that we had a bad day and that we're upset just by like the way we look or something. When they don't respond, then we get upset. When if we had just said something, I had a shitty day, I'm exhausted, can I have a hug? What happens to a person inside of them? And they decide not to share what's really going on when those things start to pile up. Well, okay, so the first. I'm excited because you've been studying the art of undersharing and oversharing and the power of why we should be more vulnerable in our sharing and share more versus being silent. And when we are silent in relationships with people in our lives, it actually can hurt us. And I'm curious, why does it hurt us being silent in relationships undersharing or not being vulnerable versus oversharing in relationships? Right, right, right. So, there is such a thing as oversharing. Like TMI is alive and well. But again and again, I've found that the greater issue is undersharing. We worry way too much about TMI and we don't worry enough about TLI, too little information. And where this. So relationships is where this. It plays out in all domains of life, but in relationships, one of the things we see, it's really sneaky because when you say like, "Share more, open up," we're like, "Yeah, yeah, share, open up." It sounds great, right? But as I wrote the book, the writing the book itself for me was amazing therapy. I love my therapist, but like it was. It changed me. And one of the ways it really changed me was what I learned about in relationships. So in long-term relationships, why do they fall apart? Well, it's not usually some dramatic affair. I mean, that can happen and it's horrible, but they. More often, they break down because of a slow distancing. It's kind of like you start off, you know, the old analogy. You've got your two boats and you're like a degree off. And so at the beginning, and then if you never course correct, you just end up. You do nothing. And. Is this in friendships, coworker relationships, or intimate relationships? It is, I mean, all relationships, but I would say particularly romantic relationships. And here's the reason. So what happens is when we are in a long-term romantic relationship, we do know the person better with time, right? The longer you've been with someone, the more you know their values, their traits. The problem, though, is that our confidence that we know them outmatches, outpaces our actual knowledge. And that's where the problem begins, right? Because if you think you know your partner better than you actually do, then you assume you know, you stop asking, you do the same, you assume they know you, you stop sharing. And that's of course where the problem begins because if you stop sharing, you just stop learning about each other. And then you get all these kind of little spats that emerge. And. So you need to keep oversharing longer in the relationship? You need to keep asking, keep answering. And here to make it more concrete, when there was a study that looked at people who have been loved each other for years and years and years. So like the average, the average like the marriage was like 12 years. And what they did was they brought the couples into the lab and they got each person to try to guess what the other person was, what their spouse was thinking and feeling. These are people who have loved each other for 12 years. Like neither of my marriages has lasted, has been that long yet. And they just, but they thought they knew. And so another thing that really compounds the issue here is a concept called mind reading expectations, which is as it sounds. I mean, it sounds crazy. It's like, of course you can't read my mind. When you say it out loud like that, however, it's really insidious because those of us who have mind reading expectations, we implicitly believe that our partners should just know how we feel. And so then what, because our partner can't read our mind, when they don't respond, then we get upset. And then we do the stonewalling, right? So then it's just this compounding of errors. We express our needs. And so the people that the people have a high mind reading expectations, it's actually a trait interestingly. It's pretty stable. Some are high, some are low. I'm high. So the the the people who have the they it's associated with lower relationship quality, lower length of relationships, but there's hope because self awareness, right? There's actually a scale. I have one on my website that you can assess yourself. I am very high on it. But once I learned that and their questions like my partner should just know what I'm thinking, my partner should respond without me having to say anything. And once those items were presented to me so starkly, and I filled it out, I said you have very high mind reading expectations, I changed a lot. I realized I need to say what feels like over communicating is just communicating. Right. And my marriage is like, it was already good. Second marriage, I had a starter marriage. So the second one is like not making the same mistakes and it's just gone so much richer. Wow. Okay. So even married twice. Yep. You're still married. Yeah. But how long we married for the first marriage? Five years. Okay. And how old were you when you got married? 28. 28 five years. So divorced around 33 I guess right? Why did that marriage end based on the research you've done in your book? Yeah. Right. I'm sure it's all collection of things. This is an therapy session. But why do you feel like based on this conversation and this research? Yeah. What would you have done differently? Even if it was still a wrong match or there wasn't a right fit or whatever, I mean maybe some of the stuff happened. Right. Right. What would you have done differently before getting married to see if it was the right thing? Definitely. I mean, looking back, well number one is I was too young. 28. I did not have the emotional understanding of myself that I do now. A lot of people do when they're that age, but I did not. Emotions. I love my family. You're like starting ascendance to buff them off. I did have a happy childhood, but we did not talk about feelings or emotions. Really? So I never, I remember when I was going through the divorce, the divorce in my 30s and my therapist said, how do you feel? And I started listening cognitions like thoughts. And he's like, those aren't feelings. And like, well, okay, I'm sad. It's like, can you be more specific? Finally, he handed me this thing called an emotions wheel, which helps you. It's in my book. It helps you realize the multiplicity of emotions and it helps you understand yourself better. So, so that's kind of where like why I say I was, I was too young emotionally. So you didn't feel emotions or you blocked the emotions? I thought that was a joke. Sorry. I did feel emotions. Everybody has emotions. But you couldn't, you couldn't communicate. I couldn't communicate. I didn't understand my emotions. I didn't honor my emotions. I didn't validate them. If I was feeling something uncomfortable, I'd be like, I'd just dismiss and not even engage with them. I didn't have an emotional vocabulary. I didn't know the differences between like disappointment, frustration, anger, sadness. Like it was all like bad good, right? Like I may recovering emotional literate. And so that, that didn't help matters. I mean, so I guess the main reason is me in that like these, I would never, he's a wonderful person, but I never, I never should have married him. And I think that part of this emotional understanding of oneself, like I'm a huge EQ is like where it's at. IQ is great, but says Harvard professor truly. Like EQ is, if I could choose one or the other, hands down, I would choose EQ and I wouldn't have said that 10 years ago. Really? So. It's so interesting because most of my childhood, I probably had the lowest IQ of everyone. And the highest EQ. Well, I learned through suffering and feeling like I was so stupid. And I was in the bottom of my class all through like, you know, I'm like, I'm like, I'm elementary school, high school, college, I was in the bottom because they would rank us. Oh my gosh. And so I would always see myself in the bottom four. It was just reconfirmed. Oh, I'm stupid. Right. I can't figure this out. No matter how hard I try, it was like, I'm not going to be smart. But then what I do is I would just observe people all day long and study people's behaviors and watch why are they reacting that way. And I would just sit there and, you know, people watch all day in school, all day out of school. I would just sit there and, you know, not like a creeper. I would just be like observing people all day long. Yeah. And I was constantly reflecting on why did they respond this way? Yeah. And when I asked this question, why did they do this with their face? Why did they lean in? Why did they? And so I became a really good observer and a really good listener. And so it's interesting because it's talking about the power of oversharing and reviewing yourself. But I became a really good listener and just kept following up with, tell me more. Tell me more. Why this? Why that? And by doing that, I was able to build great relationships with people and understand where people were coming from. And I think when you understand more people where people are coming from, they feel connected. Completely. And when you feel connected, you feel safe. You like people more. You want to hang out with them more and you create opportunities with each other, whether you're in friendship or work or whatever it might be. And so it's probably why I got into this show because I'm asking questions. So let me ask you this. Do you ever find, did you find, do you find this pattern of? Be honest. People seem to like you more than you like them. Like people wanting to hang out with you more than. Yes. This season of life for sure. I mean, for many years, when I didn't have friends and when I didn't have a business when I was kind of getting into the working force of the business world, in order to create opportunities for yourself, you need to know lots of people. You know, if you're starting a business, you need to get customers and clients. You need to put yourself out there and meet everyone essentially that you can and offer services and help and free things to people to get in the door. Then once you get clients, you have a business or whatever it might be, I realized like I was giving too much to too many people. And I had no energy for me. Yes. And I didn't feel like I was receiving in return from enough people. So I became an overgiver, over shareer, over people, please, because I wanted everyone to like me. And I wanted to feel safe emotionally. And then it took the last like seven years, like a swing of me learning how to create better boundaries, learning how to heal deeper, to not feel like I need everyone to like me or constantly give to everyone. That's so important realization. And by doing that, by creating these boundaries, it kind of, you know, I've reclaimed that energy. And I've put it into the people that I care about the most. And it doesn't mean I don't speak to people they reach out of it, but it's like, I learn to say no a lot more than when I was, you know, my 20s and only 30s. Because one of the ways that I think of that saying no is what are you saying yes to? Like when I say no to meeting with a new doctoral student at five o'clock at night, I'm saying yes to playing with my kids at five o'clock, right? And so once I thought about it, it's like so empowering thing in that. The reason I asked that question about the potential asymmetry of liking or connectedness is that you naturally, I mean, you do this now for your job, but from a young age, it sounds like you were really curious and you were asking questions. And when you ask people questions, they get to disclose to you. And when people reveal to you, people love revealing. Like it turns out, I know some people might be like, what? I don't like revealing. You do like revealing in certain contexts. I will tell you data. But you know, you're expressing interest in them and you're giving them attention. And they get to share and revealing not, I'm not talking about like tricky conversation stuff, but revealing your hopes and dreams, your preferences, it actually activates the pleasure centers of the brain. So it literally is enjoyable. And that fosters trust. And so it, I was thinking of a funny, a funny situation where one of the ways things that this can kind of go wrong where we see asymmetries of sharing. So a very healthy sharing to build relationships, friendships, colleagueships, romantic relationships is the dance of reciprocity. I reveal something. You reciprocate, maybe raise the ante of it. And it is this beautiful unfolding, gradual escalation together. Sometimes it goes awry for various reasons. One of the funny ways it can go awry, well funny, because I'm going to tell a story at my expense. You're welcome. So if someone reveals a lot to you and you don't reveal to them, you sometimes one can feel like they, let me say it differently, parasocial relationships. These are so brutal for this. So Jerry Seinfeld, I love Jerry Seinfeld. I've watched every episode of Seinfeld. I feel like he knows me because we mistake the fact that I know a lot about him from, well, his professional perspective. And he doesn't know anything about me, but I feel like for friends. And so one time when I was at a theater with my husband, at the intermission, I saw Jerry first names and his wife. I just impulsively walked up to him and I'm like, hey Jerry, it curled friends. Yeah, no fool. Yeah, he's like, and he obviously, I was like, oh my god, I immediately regret this decision because then I suddenly took his perspective that, oh wow, like this is some crazy thing. Crazy stranger lady. It must happen to him all the time. And so he has a thing what he does is he says, good to see you, good to see you. And he just keeps walking like as fast as you could walk without it calling it running. And so there's kind of some walky things that can happen sometimes. But what I wanted to, when we were talking about, you had started with the like getting married, what happened. And I think it speaks to this important point about emotional intelligence and how like you growing up, you really understood people because you observed and you're curious and you got better communication skills. I think I understood people because I felt very deeply and I didn't have many friends and I felt very incapable of being smart based on my results in school. Right, right. So since I felt deeply and I allowed myself to be in a suffering state internally constantly. Yes. Oh, like what's wrong with me? Why am I here? I'm just like this. Ruminating thought and feeling of like I sucked on bad, I'm wrong. I'll never be as good as anyone in my class, let alone in the world. What's the point of being alive? This type of rumination. And I think because of that, I eventually got the courage to say, okay, let me, let me reflect on why am I feeling this. And let me try to learn. If I can't learn in school, let me find ways to learn outside of school. And that's human dynamics, human behavior. And why do people think and feel and act and speak and walk and talk the way they do? That's fascinating. Let me just watch them and reserve and try to learn from human dynamics and behavior. And so as a, I guess as a Harvard business professor, what I'm hearing you say is that you think EQ is way more valuable than IQ. Completely. But most people in the world are trying to become smarter at something and accomplish more degrees and more credibility when that's not the answer. I know. I'm not doing much for our sales of our degrees. I know, but what we have, like increasingly courses that are like, the courses that are really popular for the executives are leadership communication. But it's so frustrating because the MBAs, like the, the lowest ranked course is often the leadership course. And then they come as alumni and they're like, I wish I paid attention because everything is psychology, everything is communication. Now, here's a question for you. Do you feel like people should get married if they have a low EQ? Oh, I love that question. Love, love. If you're really smart and intelligent, you have a high EQ, should you get married? This is tricky because I do think you need to understand yourself to get married. You need to understand what you want. And that is EQE, right? But I also think that so I, because you essentially said that you had high IQ below. Right. And I should not have gotten married. Because you didn't know yourself emotion. Correct, correct. But you probably knew on paper or analytically what you wanted. Yeah, but that's right. I want to have safety. Exactly. I want to home. I want a guy who's got this job or looks at somewhere. Right. So analytically and on paper, you knew what you wanted. Yes, yes. But I think even that's still, that's analytical, but it's also superficial. And I think that asking yourself, like, what are my goals? Do I want children? What are, like, where would I like to live? Those are things that really matter in a relationship that aren't like super deep touchy feeling emotions, understanding yourself in that way. But they're still really important things to understand about yourself and your partner. And I think people, I know that people differ a lot in relative strengths than relative dominance of IQ and EQ. You know, I, in academia, I can say this is an academic. Like IQ reign supreme to supreme in my view. And really to at the expense of EQ in many cases and tons of my academic friend, they're wonderful people, they're happily married, you know. And I so I think it's like you got to find your match, right? And for me, I am a very cuddly touchy, feely person. And so that was a really important part of me that I had. honored and understood. Wait, so, okay, I'm confused now because you had a high IQ, low EQ before getting married. You were more in your head, but now I'm hearing you say you're a touchy-feely emotional feeling person. I'm a feeling person for sure. Did you work back then? That's what I'm hearing. No, so what I was back then is I wasn't in touch with myself, right? I would dismiss my feelings. I would dismiss my needs. I would say, like, the things that I wanted in a guy, like, I wanted, now I can say it because I'm aware of it. I wanted the, like, swoon worthy, like, just that exciting, the romance. Like, I wanted that, but I dismissed it. I like, I shut it down. Why? Well, lots of things about my upbringing and, you know, I don't want to drag things in, but so that's what I mean. Does that help make sense? Of course, yeah, yeah. But I also think it's really interesting. We were talking initially a little bit about being parents. Oh, my gosh. I just wouldn't change that for the world. It's so grounding and so amazing. And I, so I think about this a lot. I'm like, my parents did a great job in so many ways. Like, look at, look at where I am. And you feel like my theory is parents, you can't be perfect. You do your best. Every parent screws their kid up in some way. My goal is to not screw my kids up in the same way that my parents screwed me up. And so with my kid, but now I might be overcracking, but it is informed on data. So with my children, my boys, I'm very like, how are you feeling? Like I'm trying to get them and they can now, they can articulate their emotions. It's insane. They're like, I'm feeling disappointed. I'm feeling frustrated. I'm feeling like more sophisticated than just the basic ones. And I'm like, oh, my God, that's amazing. And so I'm really trying to nurture that so much so that it's interesting because when my mother, my mother is incredibly bright. And she, back in the day, she was born in 1949. And back in the day, IQ reigned even more supremely. And she skipped at least two grades. And she always did amazing in school. She's a pharmacist, super successful in everything. But she struggled in other ways, more subtle ways. Which I learned recently, like in the past few years, as I deepened my relationship with my mother. And I think my theory on that is because imagine this, you're two or three years younger and you're a girl. Like teenage girls are just so harsh. Like that would have been so hard for her when you don't have the emotional maturity. And so my son, he's just turned five and we've done the opposite. We've held him back a year. And B and my mom's like, why are you doing that? She respects it, but she's like, he's really smart. He doesn't end him like, yeah, he's super smart. But the emotional maturity, I want him to be able to deal with difficult feelings, process them. So anyways, I digress. There's something about this you said earlier about the mind reading expectations. You know, in male, female, intimate relationships, who has higher mind reading expectations? Of the other. Ooh. So I would guess that women have higher mind reading expectations. And when someone has a high mind reading expectations, but not by much. Okay. When someone has a high mind reading expectation of their intimate partner, expecting them to know what they think and feel at all times. Or when they're feeling some emotions they don't like. What does that do for the relationship when someone has high mind reading expectations? Yeah. Exactly. So it's brutal speaking from experience. So it, what it means is that you have unreasonable expectations, right? And then it sets you up for disappointment because if you implicitly, and that's the thing, it's all implicit, like you don't even recognize that you're making these assumptions, which makes them even more insidious. So if you're feeling crappy one day and like you want, you want, you just want your partner to come and give you a cuddly hug, but you don't say that. There's no apparent outside show of it. Then if your partner doesn't do that, you're like, he doesn't love me. He's a callous, he's callous jerk. Like what is, and you come up with all in your, in your head, right? And so what these high mind reading expectations has taught me is to notice this and to be like, Colin, I'm feeling really crappy. I need a hug. And not singing in the way like, gosh, why don't you just hug me already? Yeah, exactly. And he's like, I didn't know. Right. And then we talk about it. And then I'm like, so for me, if in doubt, cuddles and love, like I don't need like problem-solving, I just, very tactile. And it's interesting because that then opened a conversation with us about how he said, because I'd always thought a little bit like, he's kind of a loof. I know he loves me, but he's a little, he's not like, like, cuddly, wadly, like I am. And he said, you know, the reason why I have, I have a thing, a bit of a complex because like you, he's a really tall guy. And he also was a professional, professional soccer player. And he, so he was very sensitive about being overbearing to people and, and with personal space. And he never wanted to see so classy and so like, you know, never wants women, especially do you feel uncomfortable? So sometimes it can come even with his own wife as, as, as like standoffish. And so that was so interesting. I never, like if I hadn't asked, I never would have guessed that because I'm not, I'm, I'm not like that. So it's really, really important because also when you share, when you say how you feel like it, it is a conversation too. And then, then that you become more intimate because you know each other so well. And study after study has shown that feeling known for who you really are, like warts and all is such a strong predictor of strong relationships. Really? Yeah. In fact, so suppose, okay, so suppose I have low self esteem and on the one hand, in one situation, my husband would, if he says, oh, you know, you're such a badass goddess. You like, you're so together and confident and you're really great at what you do. Another version is, I know you struggle sometimes with self esteem. And not even saying it's okay or anything, but just saying what I am like, that is so much more strongly predictive of a strong relationship than when someone idealizes you because you want to be known, like isn't that so much more meaningful that even though if I had low self esteem, he still loves me. He's like, he knows me. It's not like some fake, I'm not an imposter in this relationship. Right. Yeah. That's interesting. I mean, do you feel like you were vulnerable in previous relationships? No, that's the other thing is I, I was not really. I was not. So you just kind of held your emotions to the chest. Yeah. You weren't sharing what was on your heart or mind and like, yeah, sad things you were going through. And I think it was for me. So I think when people under share, there's often two things. One, the bigger issue, which is what I had is lack of emotional awareness of oneself. Like I did not know what I was feeling. I didn't understand myself, which sounds crazy because it's like even the thought of meetings to understand myself, like I am me. I'm the cells in my body. Like why don't we come with the built in understanding, but we don't. So the core, that's the core issue is not understanding yourself. And then the second is people who really do understand this is like my husband. He really understands himself, but he's very reserved. But when someone just doesn't share, you don't know which is which. So in my case, I tell you share, you know more. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. So when you just start to have a, I guess, an emotional breakthrough where you were like, okay, I'm realizing that this is who I am. I'm being more aware that I have had this upbringing, which is maybe we don't say we love you enough or ever or we don't talk about our feelings or it's just tough and up or don't cry and you're just like, just like, get through it. Yeah, get through it like that. Just like, you got this. Yeah. Keep going or do better. Yeah. I can relate to that in some ways. But it's like, when did you have an emotional breakthrough? You said, oh, again, it doesn't mean my childhood or my parents were bad or wrong. They just end up the tools to teach me these things. I need to learn how to emotionally evolve. Yeah. And I can have better intimacy relationships with my partner, with my children, with friends. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was a series of things. Divorce was amazing. Great. I don't break you open. I mean, I don't think enough people get divorced. I don't think people share a good divorce. I think you should go through a process of onboarding your relationship so you're in alignment with the right values. That's the best. And it doesn't mean it's always going to work out. That's the best. Doing that before saying, let's just get married. 100%. The state of the world, unfortunately, we are not psychologically enlightened enough myself included to be making. So in that, I just think that people are in marriages that they should be in. But obviously, I'm biased. Sure. So like, I'm at the point now where I'm super grateful to my ex-husband because I never would have met Colin. I know. But yeah, I mean, one of the divorces a big thing, which prompted a lot of self-referencing reflection, had a great therapist who was really helpful. But it made me start to unpack why what it was, why I married this person, what went wrong. But then also-- That's a do academics go through therapy? - Secretly? (laughs) - No, but you're so smart. - That's easy for me. - You have such IQ. - But why is it so true? - We're the ones that need it, right? - I'm not, you said it, that'd be-- - We are the one, like, oh my god. Therapy is the greatest thing ever. That and exercise, like for well-being, I think. But you have to get the right therapist, right? - Of course, yeah. - But then there was some, I think like, I had some really close friends who helped me in processing what I wanted. And then I also, that the huge thing. I mean, this is all just all developing. It's all an emotional, it's all a journey. But I learned something that really, really helped me. Really just occurred as I was writing the book because I, I, I, I, I, I, I, cut me off if I'm rambling. Okay. So before I got married to my first husband, the month before I had second thoughts. And I had second thoughts because I, I was like attracted to other men, like super attracted to other men. And I thought, I mean, I know like, yeah, that people are attracted to people. But like it was like I wanted to act on it. And I'm like, this is not, this doesn't feel right. And so I called my mom and I, I said, I expressed the concern and that was courageous and oversharing that. Yeah, I was, but that's how lost I was. I'm like, I don't know what to do. That I, that I actually said this to my mom. Worked, we're pretty close, but this was a big deal. So tell her that you, I want to act on, you know, being with other men before your marriage. I told her that. Yeah, I, I, right, which is kind of a, what'd she say to your mom? So she said, huh, you know, it's interesting because before I married your father, I had second thoughts too. Wow. And, um, and your mind, are you thinking your parents should have stayed married? Well, so no, so then I'm like, whoa. And then she said, but you know, she said, uh, the reason I had second, like you, I really enjoyed my flirtation. This is how she told me how she'd say it. I really enjoyed my flirtations with other men. Um, but I'm so glad I married your father because look at how happy we are, look at the lives we've built. And, and I really do believe they're truly happy. Um, I wouldn't be happy in that marriage, but they are very happy. And, and she said, you know, the like physical stuff that, the like really, I can only think of it in my word. So that's why I'm like, I wouldn't say the way I would say, like, on a rip, your bed, um, the physical stuff it wanes. Um, what you, what you have, what we have is like the mature, long lasting love. And so then I was like, oh, yeah, I have the mature love. And so I went ahead with it and I got married and then, um, yeah, I spare you the details, but it was not a good marriage. We got divorced. And then once I, when did you know it weren't meant to be together in the marriage? Like right after you. I mean, no, I was, it was a joyous day and like the first year, but then after the first year, I, it was like, this is like life settle. This is not this not it. But it would go in waves, right? Because it's hard. It's a hard thing. Divorce is the kind of thing that's crazy painful in the moment. Like even if it's totally the right call, it's so hard to do because it's so painful, even when it's right. You have kids together. Super petrally. No. Will you, but that was also a thing where I like, I never, that was revealing to me that I want to. Right. Right. Okay. So then I, okay. So then I'm divorced and then I get this email a few years after I'm divorced. My brother adds me to an email chain and he says, last check, check out what's at the bottom. I, and so it was between my parents because my brother does their finances and at, but at the very bottom. So they had added my brother on and they'd forgotten that at the very bottom of the email, it's a convo between my mom and my dad about my mom go to her lover's house. I know. And I'm like, whoa. I'm like filled with rage because they lied to you about it. Exactly because I immediately went back to that conversation. I'm like, you're like you undershared. If you, it would have been better for you to have said nothing than for you to have told me half the story. Like how dare it? Like I would never have married that man. If you had, if you had told me that the way you compensate is by this, which works for you. And like, I'm not mad. Like I'm happy like it's, it's, it's consent. It's all fine. Like whatever, lots of different relationships. But I know for me, that is not, I, I crave like monogamy. And, and so I just felt so misled. I was so angry about it, but I never said it to her. I just kind of lived in like, just, I'm told her now. Well, so then I'm writing the, I'm literally writing the book. And I'm like, that's a big betrayal on us. I, I, I think exactly. And I always felt, you know, in over the years, like, so I held on to this for like 10 years. And so over the years, you never spoke to her for 10 years about it. You saw what you did in the dressing room. I know. I know. I avoided. But then like I was the rage kind of went away and then I got remarried and he still had like the resentment. Yeah. And I, but I kind of like, and so good stuffing your emotions. Yeah. Yeah. Too good. Working on it. And so then I'm literally writing the book. And the book I wanted from chapter three, a story of someone who like, there was undersharing and they didn't realize at the moment. And then if they'd only known it, like it's the kind of story that's hard to find. Right? And then I was then in like, I did the middle of a night, right? Like, I stole that I've stuffed down. Totally. It's something there. It's always in the middle of the night. I woke up and I'm like, oh my God. I have stuffed this down. I've never talked to my mother about this. She doesn't know that I know this and that I feel this way and that I felt such, I didn't feel such intense rage anymore. But I'm like, how can I write this book? Like, I don't know if I'm putting this story in the book. That was a whole other series of conversations. But I need to dress this myself. But I need to address this myself. Like this book is completely hip. If I believe what I'm writing, I got to do this. So I did it. I had the convo with her and I-- Faced to face. Faced to face. Wow. Big glass of scotch. Um. You know, you're like-- The masculine motion. Oh, not on stage. I still not. In extreme situations. I get it. Like, I am human. Yeah, of course. Um. And so-- still we're really, really, to really face it. You didn't got that out. Took some crantine. Yeah, you're good. And I said-- And I said-- You sat down, Faced, or do you say, hey, I have something I want to tell you. Let's meet. Did you just meet and say, OK, now? Well, I think it was like-- No, I was now-- I don't think I gave her warning. Yeah. So you just met up. How do you-- I mentioned-- I mentioned-- I just was like, let's just do it. She met up. And how did-- We were relaxed. The kids were in bed. And then why? And then why? And then why? And then why? And 10 years ago, I saw-- How dare you know? I said to her, I did think about how I was going to open it. What-- do you remember that phone call before I married? My first marriage. And she said, yes. And she-- like this knowing-- but it wasn't defensive. It was like a knowing warmth. She's like, yes. And I've always wondered whether I said the right thing. Oh, my gosh. And I'm like, oh, my-- Wow. And then she-- I told her how I felt. And then she's like, wow. And she said, I can totally appreciate that. But at the time, I actually did not think I was omitting anything. And this is part-- She didn't think she was omitting. And this is part of the point. So often, the thought of sharing something doesn't even occur to us. She didn't even think of it as relevant. Like-- Had she known that like, oh, yeah, you can get married to the Hebbel Lover later life. We are giving her a lot of benefit to the doubt. But it was just so curative to talk to her about it and to tell her how I felt. And then I realized, but Mom, what were you supposed to do? It's the month before you're my wedding. You were in a tricky situation, too. And then I realized, this is as much my own. Well, I'm the one that didn't honor what I really want in a mate. So I can't-- Yeah, it's not all her fault. Yeah. One thing that she could have said would have changed everything. But then-- It's not on her to make the decision. Right. You've got to make the decision. Your 28 also is not like your 17. Exactly. Mom or I do. I do. Yeah. Exactly. So you can't put it on her. Exactly. Exactly. Even if she said, we have a great relationship and we have some fun on the side, you probably still would have gotten married. I know. I say I wouldn't have, but I probably would have convinced myself. Because it's so hard to call it off then, right? So yeah. So I'm curious. And what happens to your self-respect or anyone's self-respect when we don't express our truth to someone else when we don't-- Oh, I love that. Because you didn't share for a decade how you felt. Yeah, I love that. What happens to your self-respect in that 10-year season? Yeah. Yeah. Of stuffing the emotion. Right. I mean, I think that the stuffing of the emotion-- right, it doesn't-- it's not honoring yourself. It's in disservice to yourself. It's this theme of like not, like it's like avoiding yourself and not coming to terms with tricky things. And it's hard coming to terms with tricky things. But on the other end, like I had that like Guinness Book of World Records most awkward conversation with my mom and like we are closer than ever. Like we had this amazing convo after that made like during this whole thing. It was like two hour conversation. And things that I had felt alone in, I suddenly didn't feel alone in. For example, we talked about love and what she thinks love is and what I, like it was fascinating. And I said, you know, mom, I, when I had all of our first born, when they put him on my chest, I didn't feel like Google back I loved towards him. I felt duty and responsibility and I felt curiosity like, this is an alien human that just came out. Like it was very cognitive. Yeah. I felt, I had always felt a little ashamed of that because I'm like, so many moms are like a different way. They're like, oh my god, I need to nurture it, which is great. But I didn't feel that way. And she said, I felt the same way. I didn't, you know, it came after. Once I, now I'm like super Google Gaga, my kiss their feet, I kiss their bombs, I'm obsessed. But it came after for me. And so it was just a wonderful conversation of, and that's what happens when you open up. You're less alone. But on the self-respect issue, I also think that when you say hard things to other people, so for example, a great case here would be giving difficult feedback to someone, right? As an entrepreneur, as like you often have to give difficult feedback to people, I would imagine. Is it important to give difficult feedback to people in your life? Yes. 100%. It's a gift. Why? It's a gift. Because the. What if people can't receive feedback? Right. Or even if you give it to like walking near to pitot, you're like, you know, and you say five compliments first, but just one thing. Right. And they're just like heartbroken. Yeah. You could still try to give it the best way, calmest way, empowering them, lifting them up. Yeah. Sandwich, one little note of like what they need. And then yeah, it's something else. And still people may not be able to receive it. True. I guess I'm a big believer in the skill of difficult delivering feedback. Sure, there are people that are so defensive and so insecure and so in a hard place in life that they just can't take it. But that's also part of the feedback givers role is like, is this the right time for this person? And you have to be patient. Yes. And if you wait and never. It's too late. No, no, no, it's great. It could be a month later. Like, oh, it's way too a better time than not being able to have time. It's too late. It's too late. For sure. Right. And I think that so some of the ways that what you said about respect, I think is really wonderful because I think that's a great way to frame difficult feedback. I know we've heard of this feedback sandwich. You said it. I've actually done research on the feedback sandwich because I viewed it with contempt because I'm like, this is BS like the sandwich just because by the time you get to the middle, if you put compliments everywhere, people are going to forget. So I actually, with my bestie, Alison Brooks, a colleague, we did studies on this where we are varying the order of feedback to see if the sandwich because we were. It was like a viewed it with contempt. We're like, screw the sandwich. So what is the best way to give feedback based on your research? The sandwich works. Really? We were like, tail between our legs. The most important thing, it's the end doesn't matter. The end actually, positive at the end isn't so important. It's starting with the positive. But that can mean a lot of things. I love the respect because you can say, look. I respect you. I owe it to you. You deserve the honest truth here. Right? That's a great frame. Exactly. I don't think you continue to feedback. I'm being. That I don't care. I'm not being kind. Kindness is. One in the CU grow. One in the CU grow. 100%. So I'm the official bad guy at HBS because I know I don't look like a bad guy. I don't think so. So I am the chair of the academic performance committee. So whenever MBAs get enough bad grades for whatever reason, they come before my committee and they have to make an appeal to people. A lot of it in your office constantly. Well, first off, I would have never gotten it hard, but I would have been in your office constantly. And so I have evolved in the way I handle these meetings because. So the people, they're upset. They're like, why did I, why am I having to leave or why am I having to take a source or whatever? And my initial approach in these meetings, they ask a question and I answer it and I'm like, here's why. But that's such a terrible. It puts it on a like, defend and here's why you. And now, and it never went over well. And now what I do is the first 20 minutes of the meeting, I don't say anything. I let them talk. And if they try to ask me why, I just ask them back. Like they need to talk. They need to tell me how they feel. They don't know they need to do this, but they need to be heard. So I hear them. And then after I've heard them, I also learn more about them. And I learn more about how I may actually be able to help them. And then it's super constructive because we get into like what we can actually do. And so I think that sometimes when we give difficult feedback, we think we need to be more active, but like just, just listening, there's so much value in people just they need to, they need to get it out to you. Even if you already know what they're going to say, the action of them telling you is incredibly important. So interesting because I essentially have one. I don't know if it's a rule, but before me and my wife got in a committed relationship as we're dating, not marriage, but when we're kind of dating. I said, listen, I'm willing to come, you know, I'm willing to commit and go all in. It was like a big decision to like get in another relationship after I'd had a relationship that we're challenging. I done a lot of healing work. And I was like, listen, I'm willing to commit and go all in with the intention of getting married in the future with the intention of we having kids. And the future creating a family, not just date to date. Yeah. But I was like, okay, we're starting to learn each other's values. I'm understanding your values. These are my values. This is what I want for my future. So it's with that context in mind. Okay, let's do this. Knowing that, that is our intention. Not just we like each other, let's date to date. Right. I said I have one condition. Only one. I said, I will never get mad at you for anything. Never get mad at you. If you do whatever you're going to do, you're actually you are. I feel like I know you enough now with the time that we've been dating for a while ago. I won't get mad at you. I might get frustrated or like annoyed, but I'm not going to get mad at you. I'm not going to yell at you. I'm never going to raise my voice because I'm going to choose to accept you for who you are. I may not like things you do, but I'm going to choose to accept you and create agreements around these things. And I only have one condition. The condition is you cannot get mad at me if you're upset with me about something. You have to bring me first, come to me and talk about at least one thing you appreciate about me about me first. Then we can talk all day long about something that's bothering you. It's disarming, isn't it? Something that's upsetting you or bothering you that you want to talk about. I will listen to you for hours. I will speak to you and disarm it. But you just have to, because my whole life is going to be committed to finding ways to improve your life. If you come to me by one thing that you're upset about, and you don't just acknowledge at least the good I've been doing for the last three months, and how I continue to add value and how I show up and how I'm present, how I listen and how I take us out and do experiences and provide and protect. If you just come to me with the one thing that's bothering you and you don't acknowledge at least one good thing, then I'm going to be upset. That's the only time I'll be angry. And I said, can we agree on this? What did she say? She didn't understand it at first because it's like, what if I just went upset about something I go, that doesn't work for me. And if that's the case, then I'm not the right guy for you. If all you have to do is just say, I really appreciate this. And there's something that's been on my heart that I want to talk about. I said, maybe I'm messed up because I'm having that request, but it's going to make me a better part. It's going to make me a better part. Because you have to understand, in my mind, all day I'm thinking about how to make your life better. And I'm acting in accordance. And I'm committing my life to you. I'm eliminating every other option in the world to focus on you and to create a life that we envision together. And all I ask in return is you don't get angry, upset, or raise your voice at me. Just talk to me. You can be upset. But just tell me one thing you appreciate first, so that I feel seen for the constant effort that I'm putting in. First is just, I don't like you do this. I don't like you doing this. Why do you do this? No, it doesn't work for me. If you need to do that, find another guy. Yeah. And all the best. Yeah. And I'll be single. And that's okay. Yeah. You know, it doesn't mean it's right or wrong. It was my request. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. And I think it's because I had in most of my previous relationships, not all of them, but most of them, I felt that under attack constantly for who I was. And underappreciated. Underappreciated. But it was more like just under attack. You know, it's like, why are you doing this? Or why is that? Or why is this? I don't understand. And then therefore there was a frustration, maybe it was a mind reading expectation or whatever it is. Or they wanted me to be a different person. They expected me once we were together. You need to accept the person. And as opposed to this is who I am, accept me. Or it's an all. Or don't be with me. And that's okay. And I like the courage to get out of those relationships. Yeah. So I just changed. And they do. And he weren't you then. I wasn't happy and they still weren't happy. So no matter how much I changed, they still weren't happy. So I was like, I'm never going to change for you. - Right. - Which sounds harsh. - Sounds harsh. - But it's. real. But I'm going to improve on the growth and the quality of evolving and the capacity of healing and health. You will change because we all change. But I'm not going to change your specifications. Yeah. So accept me. I will fully accept you. Yeah. If something bothers me, I'll just talk to you about it. So I'm curious, did your wife have any conditions? No, I mean besides like if we're going to be exclusively dating, the intention is we're going to be getting married. Yeah. And we're going to kids. We're older. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. She was like, I can't waste my time being a relationship. Yeah. And so it wasn't more like conditions was more like agreements. Yeah. And I think I was so clear. We also started the relationship in therapy. I said, I'm not getting a community relationship unless we start in there. Love it. She was like, I'm in. Amazing. So for me, I was like, I don't want to go two years. And then it's like where he's austed or it doesn't work out or the first year is good. And then I'm a huge fan of like proactive therapy. Everybody can use therapy. Once you're having problems, it's like too late. No, start with get not get all the problems all the way. But like start with healing individually and creating agreements together to create less issues in the future. Doesn't mean we don't have things we need to overcome together. Right. Right. But I feel like we have this ability to communicate. Based on our values and our vision and our lifestyle and understand each other. So anyways, I got off here. But I'm curious when a person, what happens to a person inside of them? When they decide not to share what's really going on, they they hide back their feelings. Like you held back your feelings for 10 years to your mom. I know. If you don't really stay how you feel to your partner, what is happening inside of them when they, when those things start to pile up? And I know you have like this demonstration. Maybe you can. Yeah, sure. Well, okay. So the first I think if we were to unpack this, the big picture plight of the book is I would like to make visible something that is usually invisible to us. And that's the dozens, hundreds, thousands of disclosure decisions we make every single day. What's a disclosure decision? What does that mean? Right. So I'm going to walk you through day in the life of disclosure decision making. Okay. And sometimes we decide to reveal a thing to say the thing. But oftentimes we don't. So let's my point though that we'll get to boiler alert is that even not saying even the things we don't say are still a choice. Okay. So what we're going to do is we're going to go day in the life. Let me go to my sharpie. Like a sharpie. Sharpie said like a Canadian. Okay. And one whole bath. Okay. So okay. Here's a day in the life. You wake up in the morning and alarm goes on. You roll over to your spouse. You say we'll start off cuddly and nice. I love you, dear. So you say that. Put that in that one. And then you're like, oh, I feel like I slept so badly. You just think it. You don't say it. You don't say it. You don't want to be whiny. You're on be a buzzkill. Okay. Oh, yeah. Hold them both. Okay. Perfect. All right. So then you go to the you get you both get up with your spouse. You're in the bathroom. You look at yourself in the mirror and you say you kind of feel a little disappointed. Because you think I look okay. That's unsaid. Okay. And then you say you think to yourself, I really I feel older than I thought I would at this age. You think it. You think it. Okay. Brush in your teeth. You go down, go down the kitchen. Kids are mulling about how he's making lunch for the kids. How he says, um, what should I give the kids for snack? And you say just just pick something. Just pick something. There yeah. That's not another decision for Mama. Sure. Sure. Um, then you, you know, he's like, what? I'm just trying to make lunch. What are you talking about? What you didn't say is, um, I am on edge today because I haven't slept. I'm really nervous about my work today. I may be. Okay. So I'm upset. Yeah. I may be because of this, I may be a little snappy. It's not you. Right. That's why I'm snapping. It's not really about the. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and, and, and I could use a hug. Right. So you don't say any of that. You just, you're just expecting them to understand. Yeah. And now he's now he's pissed because he's like, look at this. She's so what such a great shithead. Like I'm doing this. Yeah. She could just answer a question. And it's never about that the, the, the, the stupid snack, right? It's these things. Okay. So then I'm digressing. Okay. So then you, you get in the car, you drive your kids, you get in the car, drive your kids to school. Your dad calls. He says, oh, I'm driving them on the way to the doctor's office. And what you think is, whoa, 70 year old dad driving has some dementia issues. Possibly shouldn't be driving. I'm worried about him. Yeah. Yeah. What you say is, hey, let's, uh, let's talk later when, when you're on the car. Mm-hmm. Dad. So you said that. Yeah. Yeah. So you said that. So then you, you get to work, your assistant says, hey, how you doing? You say great. What you don't say is, I'm overwhelmed. I'm stressed. Yeah. I'm overwhelmed. I'm stressed. So on and on and on the day goes, right? I'm mounting up. And, and so you can see that I could go on and on. I won't. But like, you don't need statistics to know that there was a heck of a lot more going into the unsaid. Yes. Then into the said. And we could even like be huge nerds and look at what these are. And a lot of them are feelings, right? A lot of the things that we don't say share are feelings. And the thing is like this day, this is, this is a pretty banal day. It's not an unusual day. And yet, there's so many more things that go unsaid that could be said. I'm not saying that all of these should go in there, not by any means. There's good reasons why we don't share. We, we, we, we are busy. We're being polite. We may be being strategic. There's lots of good reasons to not share. But the problem is when we go through life, we default to, we don't even think about sharing, right? Those I feel old. Like, you, you don't think of sharing that to your spouse. And imagine if you did, they may say, I do too. But, you know, but our children, like, look at our children, part of being old is enjoying our children. And, you know, you could, you can talk to you. And then you can, you feel less alone. If you tell your boss that after your boss compliments you after a big, a big presentation that you were anxious about, you say, great, thanks to the compliment. What you don't say is, you know, I was actually feeling pretty anxious before. And I'm really proud of how I did that. And that was so enjoyable. I'd love more opportunities. And then they understand, then it's like career success, right? Like, you can see how exuberant I have about this concept. Like, of course, there are times like the assistant, you're not going to dump to your system that you're overwhelmed. You don't know what to prioritize. Of course not. But, um, it's a real problem, I think, that we don't even consider the possibility of sharing more. But isn't there a flip side to this where people have tried to over share and maybe hurt them by the, yes, they really were vulnerable? I know as, of course, man, growing, I remember one time in a relationship, I, I shared how I was feeling and my girlfriend said, you look weak to me. She said, I know, I know I'm not a problem. She's like, I know I'm not supposed to think this. Oh, good for her. Well, it's great. She shares that, then I take it back to kindness. But it's like, but she was like, she couldn't receive the emotions that I had. It's not like I was like, wallowing on the ground emotion, because I was like being emotional, it's having a moment, yeah, showing some emotion. And she's just like, I know I'm supposed to. Yeah. Like be okay with this. Yeah. But I'm not. Yeah. And I think a lot of men have experienced that where they have tried to be vulnerable. Yeah. They've tried to maybe even cry in front of their girlfriend at one point. Whatever reason, they felt a little shift. They felt the change. They felt an energetic, a communicational change. And I was like, huh, do I really feel safe around this person, this man? If he's weak, even if it's just for a moment, can I trust him? So when is oversharing, actually hurt you? Yeah. When is it hurt you with your boss? We just say, this is actually how I'm feeling. I'm really insecure and scared and nervous. And then he's like, well, can I trust you? Right. For sure. And to respect you, in that example, there's a key distinction. The example I was giving was after the talk, right? You do not want to say this to your boss, someone who has higher status than you before the talk. You do not want to say, all right, you're not giving the talk. You're not going to say, I can't do this. Yeah. And in fact, sometimes if the boss came in for the talk, I was like, how are you feeling? You let you'd say, like, great, I'm pumped. I'm excited. Sometimes it's almost like you're lying. Well, so it's what you choose to share because anxiety and excitement are together. It's selective, right? And we're allowed to be selective. We should be selective. We shouldn't say everything on our mind. And in fact, if you say you're anxious, then you can get, can cause you to be more anxious, right? Like saying is believing. Is right? So what I'm hearing you say then we're feeling and the underrated power of oversharing is all based on context. Oh, context is so important. Yeah. And in fact, the people that I think are the best at doing this and knowing the line between TMI and TLI, which is constantly moving, are people who have what I call a lot of disclosure flexibility. Those are the people who go way open, super vulnerable and vacillate between that and complete guardedness because different situations call for entirely different things. I would also say in your example, I mean that there was so many thought bubbles as you were talking about that. It was a really rich one. But sometimes the answer to oversharing or feeling like you overshared is actually to ask questions and share more, right? To say, Oh, that makes me feel really hurt that you've reacted that way because to me, masculinity is being confident with all of the emotions. I will always protect you. Right? Or saying, like, tell me more, what makes you feel insecure? Right? So it should prompt more understanding. And maybe the answers won't be good. Maybe you, and then that's informative too, because you've learned that you're not on the same page in this person. Yeah, I was the right very. But it was just like, I know a lot of men, I wrote a book about, you know, called the Mask of Masculinity eight years ago. I guess it was now. And it was about unpacking my own kind of amazing inability to be vulnerable because I felt like I had to fit in in society around men, friend group with men around intimacy and relations, women around how I supposed to be as the youngest son, whatever might be. So it was like the mass that I wore to protect myself emotionally, psychologically in the world. And the mass that men have worn, I know, to try to fit in and belong. Women have had to wear masks as well, different different different stuff. And one of the studies that really struck me as I was writing the book as a boy mom is a study where with preschoolers, they measured their galvanic skin response. So that's how sweaty your palms are, which is a measure of how anxious you feel. And they also videotape their faces. How much they expressed, how much they revealed about what they were feeling as the children were watching like scary movies. And what they found was that the people who the children who expressed more were physiologically calmer. So they weren't their palms weren't as sweaty. So expression literally was calming for them, bottling up on the other side, which you had touched on earlier. It's extremely bad for our for our well-being in many different ways. It's really stressful. And then the kicker for me was that by the age of like second grade, the boys had became less expressive over time because they've they learned that keeping it in, being stoic, that's that's the masculine, right? It's it's so I'm curious what for you this mask that you felt you had, did you have certain turning points of like that really really were step functions in the mask going away? And taking them off. Yeah, I mean right around right around 13 years ago, 29 to 30 years old, I I accomplished what I thought I was supposed to accomplish, you know, in my 20s, by building a business and making millions of dollars and, you know, having attractive girlfriends and having status and having followers and all these things. But I felt more empty, more alone, more unsure and insecure of myself. But others thought I was like figuring it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I had these kind of like three different breakdowns and relationships that, you know, business partnership or girlfriend that was kind of like off and on and emotional and break up and get back together. And then a friendship that was like all happening with the same season, like a few months, like all these relationships were broken breaking down. And I was originally like what is wrong with each one of these people? But I was the common denominator. So I had a moment to reflect, you know, it's just like, oh man, there's something wrong with me because I'm at the root on the common denominator of all these broken relationships. I can't point the finger at everyone. Something is happening where I don't have the emotional skills or the tools on not creating boundaries or I'm out of alignment with something. And that became, you know, a journey of going through is much emotional intelligence training workshops, therapies, coaching for the last 13 years as possible. And that's when I launched the show. Yeah. I launched the show 13 years ago because I was like, okay, I've accomplished success, but I don't have greatness in my life. Like I've accomplished things, but I don't feel great. I don't feel good. So what's wrong with me? Yeah. Let me go ask the experts. Let me humble myself and stop being a cocky 20-something-year-old thing and I've got to figure it out. Yeah. And let me humble myself and bring in the true leaders of the world, people with wisdom, experience, research like yourself and say, teach me. And through learning, let me share with others and try to help others who are going through a simple struggle around personal challenges, finance, health, relationships, whatever it might be. So the last 13 years has been a dynamic of me being the, you know, the guinea pig of struggle and saying, all right, I'm going to try to be the best version of myself that I can be. I'm going to try to draw my wisest version of my future self to me now. And being like a lifelong learner, I think is a really healthy mindset, right? Cossily. Yeah. And even at 40, I'll be 43 in a couple of months. And even though I feel like, man, I have a ton of wisdom from the last 13 years or my whole life so far, but it's like, man, I have so much more deeper that I can go to where I can impact people in a greater capacity. Individually group settings, mass audience settings, they're so much more that I can uncover within myself. And yet I can keep it extremely simple at the same time. I don't have to like, keep going deeper and deeper always. It's like I can integrate the wisdom and then just impact and serve. Serve my dreams and my highest calling and serve the people around me the best of my ability. Yeah. And it doesn't mean I'm always going to be perfect and I'll fall from grace and I'll fall back into old childhood patterns at times. But you'll recognize it. Noticing it, catching it and replacing it with a wisest version of myself. And I think that's what doing this show and reading books and doing interviews continually reminds me of the things I already know. Usually I don't learn all these like new things that I've never heard of. It's more like, oh, this research is backing what I know. So let me go farther into this. So that's a lot of what it is. But I think the idea of there's a couple things that I'm hearing from you so far that could benefit people. One, if you're expecting someone to know what you're thinking or feeling just because you're feeling it, you're going to have a bad or challenging relationship and you're going to be frustrated in that relationship. If you're expecting someone to read your mind, even if you show them a little of like disgust in the moment of like, I've got some frustration in my life, they should just know. That is like, and one of the things that my wife Martha has done really well, she knows that I can't be a mind reader. And I'm like, if something is ongoing on, tell me. Right away, don't wait till later in the day. Don't wait till midnight or in the middle of the bed about to sleep. Like tell me earlier. Yeah, being a good elicitor is important to. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let me serve you better. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just communicate a little bit. Yeah. And I can serve you higher. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But if we're waiting till 1 a.m. to like let something dump something on me. Yeah. When I am not have the brain function, it's going to be exhausting for both of us. So trying to be a mind reader is an impossible job. Yeah. So communicate more, even just communicate a little bit. Yeah. We'll go a long way. Yeah. And there's power of over sharing with context. Yeah. No, in context. It's who you're speaking to. Right. The timing is. Is what I'm hearing is also important. And I think there's also things that we tend to under share. And I would say the number one thing we tend to under share are feelings. And for lots of reasons. But if I to try to like people who are skeptical, the feelings, feelings, I'm feeling like I'm a skept. I was born skeptical. So there's been studies that have looked at what people regret in life. And one of the studies was led by a colleague of mine at Cornell, Tom Gillovich, who's as brilliant as he is warm. And he discovered he looked at what are the things that people regret in life? Do they regret the things they do or do they regret the things they did not do? And it turns out that something like 76% of regrets on average are things you didn't do. Really? And so unsaid under sharing things you didn't do. And then, okay, so clincher on top of that. Then there's, I encountered this a book by a palliative care nurse by the name of Brony Ware. She wrote a book. Oh my gosh. Five are good. Yes. Okay, so four out of five of them are things you didn't do. number three, I wish I had shared my feelings more. Right? Like if that doesn't convince you and you can think about it like so I was just talking to the my dear hairstylist and she she we were talking about this she said you know we had a PTA meeting which is like good pretty functional and I decided because I read your book I decided I was gonna it wasn't going very well this meeting and so I decided to share my feelings I decided to say I feel frustrated and she said it was a complete game changer and one of the read and suddenly people were like I feel frustrated too and how do we so they they it was relatable everyone was feeling the same thing or in variants of it so it it makes it so much more compelling then another example which I didn't do this strategically but show a feeling showing feelings is so much more compelling it you you become more persuasive when you do something with feeling when you show the feeling and one example this was fairly early on when I was dating my husband my second I now husband and we were at this beautiful resort in the Caribbean and there was I'm a terrible sleeper I hate that but I'm just a really really bad sleeper and it was you know the first night in paradise and it was like I didn't sleep at all there was like a party above us it was hell well for different things it was not good and and so then the next morning so he's a little non-confrontational I'm I can be confrontational when I care a lot and so I'm like this is this is not right I the money we paid so I go to the front desk and I start saying and then I couldn't contain my feelings so I they were like no no nothing you can do and then I started crying not strategically because I really like I was trying to not cry but then that they shifted entirely and they put us in the most beautiful ocean like on the water ocean cottage like I know it feels like I wasn't trying to be manipulative but the lesson to me was like I don't need to be so ashamed of crying like crying in the right time and place it can be a high-risk maneuver but it also is really compelling information because you really care right it's not just really frustrated enough set yeah like you really would say it's a true signal right it's it's easy to just complain but this is a costly signal so I hear people complain all the time probably right yeah right and they're like oh no she really means it so but yeah so sharing your feelings is something that we we we chronically under share yeah yeah and there's a price to not sharing a true feeling exact there are missed opportunities there's friendships that never blossom there's romances that never spark there's colleagues that never quite trust you what's one question you could ask your intimate partner that would get them to share what they truly feel if they've been blocking or hiding those emotions for a long time that's a great question I think what I would do I mean there's lots of things one could do but there is a very powerful human tendency I might even say instinct I don't use that term lightly but it you can actually very make a very quite compelling evolutionary case to this there's an instinct to reciprocate and so if you if your partner is more reserved like my husband he's a recovering under share but I'm an overshare I've had my moments of like so we balance each other out but reciprocity so if you if you really instead of like trying to get the right question if you share something proactively you say I feel you know the day we got married I felt so happy but I also felt you know uncertainty about the future and what our family life and where we live like if you share something vulnerable then that's so natural especially when you're in a loving relationship reciprocation is like it it feels weird not to do it and so that's that's instead of trying to get the perfect question that's something I might try lead with vulnerability lead sharing lead with something that's powerful yeah well I want people to check out your book it's called revealing the underrated power of oversharing and again I just really believe like relationships is the key to having a happy life and powerful relationships come from the ability to communicate how you feel obviously in the right context and doesn't mean you cry all day long if you're sad but it's like learning how to communicate and connecting and learning how to receive someone's oversharing is what where the fruit of life is because it's all about relationships and if you struggle relationships you're going to struggle in your life yeah and this is going to allow you to create more tools to having a powerful relationship so the books called revealing the underrated power of oversharing and people can check your website out proflessly john.com or the same on Instagram and LinkedIn and social media proflessly john over there as well I've got a couple of final questions for you lightning round yeah exactly this is called the three truths so a hypothetical scenario imagine you get to live as long as you want and you get to do all the work that you love and all the research you love and you get to have the experiences you imagine with your your family and your kids and all these different things but for whatever reason on your last day you have to take all of your work with you and we don't have access to your books your interviews or content anymore but you get to leave behind one final message and I call it the three truths what would be those three things those three messages three truths you would leave behind from all the work and the research and the life lessons that you have okay I would say one is that we live in fear of TMI which we should not because the bigger problem is TLI to little information the second is that silence is a choice and once you start thinking about silence as a choice it will really open up your space because you will realize how much you can share because you'll realize how much you leave unsaid and third I would say revealing wisely is a skill and it's a skill that we can all get better at and like any skill it requires practice and iteration so I would encourage people to try to stretch themselves a little bit more and and that's also on a meta level what I what I'm doing in the book right like how can you write a book about revealing and not reveal yeah so you know hopefully I got it mostly right but it's a it's you have to forgive yourself if you that's part of learning and experimentation yeah it's an ongoing dance yeah that's cool well that's the I appreciate an analogy for one revealing during this because I think academics can sometimes hold back and we get not all this yeah it's all research and science and it's not going into non-personal life as well so I'll really know you for kind of revealing that about your mom and kind of having this like underlying resentment for a decade plus but then this work making you face it and it's created a stronger relationship with your mom it sounds like for sure and so I acknowledge you for doing the healing work for yourself while you're trying to create research and academic and raise too crazy boys but that's it's hard to do if you're recovering non-share yeah yeah I also realize as I was writing it that I call myself an overshare but then I thought it's more performative oversharing like I like telling self-deprecating funny stories about myself but when it really comes to sharing deep feelings do I'll keep working on it right right I'm a lifelong education case final question lastly what's your definition of greatness it's feeling so comfortable in your own skin and knowing yourself so much that you can get the things in life that you care about and that your your loved ones care about there you are that's it thanks for being here thank you so much I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links and if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally as well as add free listening then make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus channel exclusively on Apple podcasts share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple podcasts as well let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward and I want to remind you of no one has told you lately that you are loved you are worthy and you matter and now it's time to go out there and do something great