Why You Keep Choosing The Same Person Over And Over W/ Thais Gibson

Have you ever heard the term "we hurt" in relationships, but we also heal in relationships? Something that you might have no idea about is sure, right? Relationships can cause you to not trust. Relationships can make you feel like you're losing everything if you lose that person, but they can also help you find yourself and heal in a completely different way. And today, not only are we going to share with you how you hurt and heal in relationships, but the stages of which you do that. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of The Supernazoa Harshow. My name is Supernazoa Harshow and I am your host. You guys, we have a very special guest today. We have somebody who has been on the show before, and she has now in studio with us in person, and you guys get to see Tais Gibson again. I fucking love her, but today we're really going to help you understand that there are stages of relationships and healing in those relationships, because we all have those attachment wounds. We all have something that we're battling and fighting through, and today we're going to give you a little bit more clarity, some tools to help you. And guys, as always, please don't forget to rate and review the show. We have a lot of new friends here, a little bit about me. I curse a lot. I say fuck every other word. I speak really fast, but baby, that's why it's marked explicit. So if you don't like it, that's okay. We don't take it personally. But if you do, welcome to the family. All we ask is if you leave a comment or a review, please speak with kindness. We're building a community here of love and safety, and that includes how we speak to each other. But we're open and receptive to how you feel. If you guys need anything, everything's up Lincoln show notes, you can join a course work one on one, or just be here. That's really what matters. All right, babe, so without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Miss Tais. Mrs. Tais, that's fucking you're married. What's it? Welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here with you. Honestly, I'm excited to hang out and just chat. That's the thing. I even thought I was like, we have no notes. We have no outline. I'm like, I am honest. I just have a really real authentic conversation today. But the further we do, could you please tell us a little bit more about yourself and how you got started with all this? Yes. So I got into this probably how a lot of people get into this work, which is I just went through a lot of my own personal struggles and was really seeking a way out. So I was telling you this not too long ago, but I went through a lot of childhood chaos and trauma and big stuff and then just internalized everything. And by the time I turned 15, I had knee surgery, I got addicted to pain killers, and I was like really, really struggling. And I just I remember there's sort of some interesting things when I look back on my journey. I remember being in an A and meeting one day and trying all these things that I go to like A meetings or any meetings or inpatient rehab in between university semesters in the summer or outpatient rehab, all kinds of stuff. And nothing really was working for me. And I also wasn't really committed at the time to like working the steps very well. I was a kid. But I think one of the reasons that I struggled is that I went into a meeting one day and somebody was in there and she was like, I've been sober 100 days and today was the hardest day. And I remember that for me, I was 18 at the time. And I remember going like, oh my god, like, am I going to just suffer my entire life? Like, is it going to be this hard? My entire life, it's always going to be this crazy battle? And I wasn't really willing to accept that. And I think I was just like always searching for something else. So I was in school for psychology and probably on the outside, like maybe my life looked like it was doing okay. But a full ride soccer scholarship, all these things, but like on the inside, I was like falling apart, like just getting in trouble and this thing and that like just so much stuff was going on in behind the scenes. And I was in a class and somebody said to me, oh, your conscious mind can't outwiller overpower your subconscious mind. And I don't know if you've ever seen anybody that you've been close to an active addiction or anything like that, but it's like, you tell yourself all the things you're like, I'm going to get sober, I'm going to get clean, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that. And you tell yourself. And then you just never follow through. And you just feel like you're helpless and weak and not capable. And so that's what I believed about myself. And hearing somebody say that, I was like, oh, so my conscious mind wants sobriety. And my subconscious mind has a difference out of the priorities going on. So how do I figure out what that is and what's going on down there? And I just became obsessed with learning about the subconscious mind first, like how we get wired and how we get conditioned and where we take our conditioning from and how you can rewired and change it. And that to me was what ended up changing my life. So then I got into a way better place. Got sober. Definitely. I'm not somebody who like people and want to be mindful about how I say this because everybody's journey is different. But like I don't think about pain killers. I don't think like, you know, a lot of people are like, all you're going to be sober forever. And you're going to struggle forever. And like I had my appendix out maybe five years ago and was prescribed pain killers. They sat in my house somewhere for like a few months. Eventually we moved. And I'm like, oh, these are here through them out like just it doesn't have to be like that. But that's because I did a lot of the deep inner work. So I wasn't in relationship. The substance is that way. Yeah. And so I try to interesting how many people share that story. Interesting. Right. Of like that they had something that took them that was like my brother had a drug problem when I was a kid. So like he was sent to a wilderness program. And it's not really something I wrote in about the book. But I've never really talked about it publicly. How it impacted the family of like having to go to NA and being around the program and the 12 steps and doing all of that. And then really looking and saying that was a byproduct. It was a subproduct of the deeper real real issues like that. That wasn't the issue. The issue was the toxicity, the chaos that that was his coping mechanism. And so I find that really fascinating. And I'm curious. So now you said that doesn't really impact you anymore. Yeah. To be perfectly honest, like, you know, if you heard people talk about stuff over the years and for a while, go to meetings and things like that. But I just don't even think about it. Like it's not something where I'm like, oh my gosh, like I'm just jonesing for today. It's not even something that's like in my awareness. And it really you kind of just have this in passing. But one thing I really realized over time is that like the problem isn't the problem. Like the painkillers are like jumping down my throat when I'm sleeping. Like it's it's that it's the fact that like I had all of these reasons internally that I was trying to run from pain. One of the examples that showed up for me first is I remember at the time when I was trying to get sober, I was trying to learn about the subconscious mind. And then I had this sort of spiritual mentor come into my life at the same time. And he was trying to tell me I was so young then. And this is way before meditation and stuff like that was like more mainstream. And he was like, you have to meditate, you have to meditate. Remember sitting down one day and being like, "I'm going to meditate." And I sat down and I was in this this apartment. I was living in Miami at the time. And and I sat down and I was like, okay, when I meditate, what I'm supposed to do, I'm supposed to just like watch my thoughts and just witness them. And I started to try to witness some of the first things that I noticed that I sat as I was like, this is stupid. You're stupid. You're going to fail it. That's like you failed everything. And I just started like going off on myself and I was like, oh my goodness, no wonder I numb. Like no wonder this is what's going on. And I realized a lot of how I saw people talk to each other growing up. And how I was spoken to at times is like what I internalize is my own internal dialogue. So no wonder those are my programs. That's what was running at a subconscious level. And I was like, I need to change that first. Like whatever that is because if someone was following me around all day, talking to me like that, I would want to numb them out too. Like no wonder. And so I started doing a lot of work on like my internal dialogue, my thoughts, my core beliefs, my nervous system learning how to like be calm and present. And there are a lot of like mindfulness and meditation and and and learning who I was. I think I grew up in so much chaos and trauma that there wasn't time to be like, oh, who am I? What do I need? It was like, how do I figure this out? Like how do I kind of survive on a daily basis? So I started doing a lot of work on like, how do you rewire your core wounds or your your internal dialogue? Then how do you learn your needs and how do you design your life according to like things that are true for you and who you are? And how do you regulate your nervous system? And I just started there. And it was so healing that I started giving these workshops for free to people. I'd be like, oh my gosh, I couldn't believe it. Like I was a guy of peace. Like I had never felt peace. And I was like, oh my gosh. And from that, I started seeing clients kind of by accident. People come after the workshops. So we take us as clients. And I was like, I'm like 21 or 22 at the time. I was like, I'm really young. I'm so old. Do you care? People like, no, we love the workshop. And so I started seeing clients. But then after being really sober and like really in a good healed space for a few years on my own, I met now 11 years ago my my husband. And it was the first time I dated anybody for like three and a half years. Like I got sober. And he we we as things got more serious. We started living together. I was like, oh, like I still have stuff to figure out. Like I got really peaceful on my own. I was really good on my own, but I didn't really know how to do relationships, helpily yet. And that's when I revisited attachment theory. I learned about it in first year university. And it's such a high level where it's like, oh, here's your attachment. So here's your temperament. Here's some of your patterns. But it was like, no, what are the triggers? What are the needs? Like what are how do you regulate your nervous system? So then I started being like, I'm going to work with people to rewire their core wounds, which each attachment stuff. I knew somebody's attachment style. I know what their core wounds are going to be, what their needs are going to be, how their nervous system was going to be functioning. We could rewire those things. But then more importantly, what I learned to do is like, how do you communicate? Like how do you actually talk in a healthy way? I had only seen people talk through fighting or like have conversations like that or how do you learn how to have healthy boundaries or be vulnerable in relationships? All stuff I didn't really know how to do. So I was like, I have to revisit that. And that's kind of what took a lot of the work. I do full circle. This episode is sponsored by Green Chef. I love Green Chef. I do not have the time to think about groceries and food, especially I was going through my mold detox and had to go gluten free. And I panicked because your girl loved her gluten. And that's why I loved Green Chef so much. Oh my god, they had this one miso tahini spinach salad with pecans. That's on this week's menu. Baby, this was a game changer for me because I didn't have to think about it. Right? I could pick what mattered to me, whether that was Mediterranean, high protein, gluten free. I got high quality products, meals that come pre portion and ready in minutes. And that is the best part and the best part. be on this. If you want guidance beyond the plate, they include free unlimited one on one nutrition coaching that helps you stay on track. It is amazing. It helps me keep my goals. That way I know I'm eating well, feeling good, and have the energy for the day that I need without having to think about all the other variables. So baby, head to greenchef.com/50sabrina and use code 50sabrina to get 50% off your first month, then 20% off for two months. Again, that's code [email protected]/50sabrina. I'm so excited to have this conversation because I'm excited to learn about all that. The painful truth I learned along my healing journey was that you do hurt in relationships and healing relationships. But the biggest caveat about that is that we can't expect another partner to do that healing for us. And I see that content online of like the right person is going to heal you. A secure partner is going to heal you. And all that person is going to do is create a safe space for you to be able to understand and get curious and look at that. But no one is doing that work for you. That is an internal job. And in the more that we outsource that to everybody else, we can't be so fucking shocked. When we try to numb, when we try to escape and we try to rely on somebody else to do it for us, when that's the job that's meant for us. When you hear that, like we heard relationships, we heal in relationships, can you give us like the zoomed out version? Because there's so much I want to talk to you about. My ADHD brain churned fit it all into one question. But I'd like to start there because I know that there are stages and there are steps in the relationship and there's all these different aspects. But can we talk about a high brow of how that really works for people that maybe don't understand what the fuck I'm talking about? Yeah, 100%. I remember this quote and it's a roomy quote and he says, if I'm irritated by every rub, how will they ever be polished? Who would love that? Yeah. And it's like saying, you know, for anybody who doesn't know or didn't catch it as quickly as you, because sometimes they tell people that and they're like, what? But what it means is like all of your relationships are not just about love and connection. They're about growth and relationships are going to show you what's still wounded. Like they're going to be a mirror into yourself and everything that irritates you or rubs you the wrong way. Is there to polish you? Is there to like help you see and like heal and grow through that experience? And most of our hurt comes from relationships with so does most of our healing. That's an opportunity to look into yourself. Is there something hurting you or bothering you or upsetting you? That's an opportunity for you to take radical responsibility for what's going on in your internal world and then be able to move through that and see what needs to be done. So I really grew at that. And I also think in relationships to your point, so often people are like, Oh, you should heal it for me. You should do it for me. All of the things that we struggle to resource most within ourselves, we put pressure on people around us to source for us. So if somebody who's like, let's say anxious in relationships and they're, they have a hard time self soothing, what do they do? They're like, Oh, my partner should always be here to see with me. They should do it for me. And it's like, well, that's not the answer because that just puts stress on the other person. And over time that puts stress on the relationship. And then when the person's not there, you haven't learned anything. You haven't learned how to like move through that without them. So I really believe that relationships, a, become this mirror into yourself and b, you can have somebody who's secure who can hold space for you or be a container for you to go through what you're going through. But at the end of the day, like each person has to do the work and I don't think there's any way around that. I love that. What's the quote? So Rumi has a great quote and he says, if I am irritated by every rub, how will I ever be polished? And what that means is everything that upsets you makes you feel triggered in a relationship. All those things that rub you the wrong way or an opportunity for polished it, and they're an opportunity for healing because they're showing you what hasn't healed within yourself yet. So I want to know because I think you and I are on the same side of the internet that we see a lot of this so much in misinformation between attachment styles and healing and doing the work. Have you noticed a clear difference between the rubric that it takes for every attachment style to really get to that place and what have you seen because this I know we could rant on for a long time. So I go through five pillars every single time. And it's so interesting because it's actually the work I did first before we were going into attachment styles. It was like, okay, what are your core wounds? And so traditional attachment theories like, oh, here's sort of some of the frameworks, but like the actual wounds we found is that anxious attachment styles, their biggest triggers are the fear of being abandoned alone, excluded, rejected, disliked, not good enough, unloved, unsafe. And I know that's a lot. But you can actually rewire two wounds at a time and I can go through an exercise if you want for how to do that, but it's super simple. Just miss a avoidance. They have totally different wounds. So their big wounds are the fear of being trapped, helpless, powerless, defective or shameful if somebody's critical to them unsafe in a conflict. This fear of not belonging, which is a really big thing for them. And then this fear of being weak if they're vulnerable. And so these are all things and like the idea that I give as your actual core wounds, the analogy is like if you go into the woods and you see a bear and the bear chases you and you run away and thank God you're safe. But then you'll have to go back into the woods the next day. Your mind is just like projecting the bear everywhere. Like you hear the trees move and you're bracing for the bear. And it's because our subconscious mind when it gets imprinted by negative experiences, we store them very strongly. And we hold on to negative things a lot more than positive things. You don't remember like being chased by the bear and thinking like, oh, they're pretty flowers. Look at the beautiful flowers as they're running. Like you're like the bear and it's teeth. Like that's what you remember. And so our subconscious holds on to negative things more than positive and then it reproduces them back out. So that's great if you have to be chased by a bear and survive, but it's not great when you felt abandoned as a child. And now every time you're not going to text message back, you're like projecting that abandonment. Fearful avoidance, they have the anxious and avoiding core wounds. They share in both of them. Often fearful of wounds originally think they're anxiously attached. But fearful of wounds, what's really unique to them is you have a really anxious side, but you push people away all the time because you're scared. You feel threatened by love and connection. And so they deactivate and pull back all the time too. And they have this huge core wound around also being betrayed. That was a big thing we found in a research, just like betrayal and worthiness. I am bad. And then abandoned. Just like to exclude the reject with those sensitive points too. And the fear of being trapped or helpless. The first pillar is always like know your wounds. Rewire them. And I'm happy to like share a tool. So so a really easy tool is that we have to understand none of those core wounds are conscious. Nobody is like, let me tell myself I'm not good enough all day and see how I feel. They are subconscious wounds. So we have to deal with those things at a subconscious level. Your subconscious mind is responsible for 95% of all of your belief thoughts and emotions actions. Your conscious mind is 3 to 5%. Well, fuck yeah, that explains a lot. Yeah. That's why everybody will be like, oh, I have to I'm going to quit eating chocolate for my new year's resolution and like you eat chocolate three days later. Or you're like, oh, I'm going to stop raising my voice in a relationship, but you can't. Like it's because unless you're actually rewiring those things that are causing you to do that, you're going to keep repeating the same patterns. That's your end year to my heart because that's why I was like, oh, I'm going to get sober. I'm going to get sober and then nothing would happen. And so what happens is unless you're engaging the subconscious mind, we don't like really heal so quickly. And we have a lot of like trying to get around it and figure it out and then like, go this way that way. There's three steps. First step is what is your core wound and its opposite. So now that you heard the main core wounds, you can find yours and its opposite. Second step is you have to speak to your subconscious mind. The conscious mind speaks in language. Okay. So like actual language like we're talking right now. The subconscious does not. It speaks in emotions and images. And so if you try to do something like just affirm your way out of a wound, it's useless. And so what we want to be able to do is we want to use our conscious mind to speak to our subconscious mind. So that looks like leveraging emotions and imagery. And if you look at like the container of emotions and imagery, you can actually see this if I'm like, oh, whatever you do, do not think of a pink elephant. Like you hear it, but you think of a pink elephant. That's your conscious versus subconscious mind. Your conscious here's a language, but you register it after your subconscious flashed an image. So we have to speak to our subconscious because that's where the wounds exist. Nobody's consciously choosing to wake up and be like, oh, I'm, I'm going to tell myself a day, don't belong or that I'm weak or whatever it is. The step one, find your wounds opposite. Step two, we want to come up with lots of repetition of emotions and imagery because repetition fires and wires and emotions and imagery reaches subconscious mind. So now we're creating neural networks at the subconscious level of mind. So what we do here is we go, okay, let's say the wound is not good enough. I am good enough. We need 10 memories of times we actually felt good enough because every memory that we have is a series of emotions and images. If I say tell me your favorite childhood memory and you were like, oh, I'm playing at the beach with my friends, you see the images of the waves and the sand. And as you tell the story or the memory, you would laugh or smile. We've all seen people do that or if it's a sad memory, sometimes people tell a story and they cry, right? So so now we're actually using our conscious mind to speak to our subconscious mind. And then from there, now we've got repetition and emotion. The third step we have to take is we record ourselves saying it out loud. And then we have to listen back for 21 days. It takes 21 days at least to build strong enough neural networks that are going to stick. And we do it in a suggestible state, which means when your subconscious mind is really open to absorbing information, which is the first hour that we wake up the last hour before we go to bed after a meditation, breathwork, any of those things because our brain is producing more alpha and data brain waves. So now you have three steps is really easy. This is our first pillar of healing. It's like, what are your core wounds? Find the opposite. 10 pieces of memory to support the new idea. I'm good enough because I was a good friend two days ago. I'm good enough because I and get really specific because each memory will list those emotions and images. And then we record ourselves saying it, listen back, feel about it, visualize about it and actually rewires your core wounds. And I love that. That's why I'm so not a fan of the toxic positivity and everything's amazing and good vibes only. It's like if your subconscious doesn't genuinely believe that it's safe, that there are good things happening that all is right in the world. It's not going to fucking project that out. It's going to happen as you have an incongruence. You want to be positive and all that. That's why for fuck sake, I hate if he wanted to, he would because it doesn't take into account the subconscious, the deeper roots and layers. And I feel like that's what's missing, right? When we chalk everybody up to a bumper sticker, we lose out on the minutia and the nuance and the actual fucking neuroscience of how our brains work because I didn't really know any of that. Okay. So we have that first step, right? We understand that. Now take it away. What's the next step? Where are we going? on this ride with you. Okay, second staff. is we have to look at and it's a beautiful exercise to do. It's a little heart-wrenching, but it's good. Depending on what your childhood was like. So I gave people to write down mom and dad. Yeah, an appeasement paper drawn a nice line right through the middle. And then I want people to sit down and be like, "Okay, what are the greatest unmet needs I had for each person in childhood?" And there's this beautiful quote by Gabri Matty and he summarizes this really well. He says, "Trauma are the things that happened that shouldn't have happened. That's the obvious, the abuse, all that kind of stuff. That's what in Prince Coral wounds." But trauma are also the things that didn't happen that needed to happen. So you didn't get a parent who was present or you had a parent who wasn't safe and didn't protect you or you had a parent who you didn't feel seen or connected to. So what we do is we find out what those things were. Wherever we have deeply unmet needs from childhood, there's grief. So we actually carry this sense of grief from those things forward into our lives and then those are the very things that we're like, "Oh, my partner, you're going to do this for me. You're going to fix this wound and that's not how it's ever going to work." So what I get people to do is write, "Okay, here are the deepest unmet needs from dad. Here are the deepest unmet needs from mom." And I really believe this is like so cliche but it's so true. Healing happens when we become our own parents. When we reparent these things in relationship to self. So what I get people to do so that we actually build neural networks so it becomes our new set point is those times where we're like so anxious or needy and we want somebody else to do it for us, those are things we have to give to ourselves the most. So I get people to be like, "Okay, what are the deepest unmet needs from dad? We have to start meeting them in relationship to self for 21 days. When you start driving a car, you get in a car and you're like, "What the heck is going on? Like, it's just you're the wheel. Look at the river and mirror. Like, do all these things. Turn on my signal and it feels very mechanical and it feels weird." And like, this is what this will feel like to people. But then you do it and you get used to it and then it becomes your new baseline and then you get in your car, you don't even think about it, you listen to a podcast, you listen to music, you talk on the phone. And this is what we're trying to do is we're not trying to keep prolonging these periods of grief where you felt so unseen as a child and now you don't know how to see yourself or be in your own body or connect your own emotions. You're trying to meet these needs on a daily basis for 21 days. Look, it's patterned and you're firing and wiring it and now it's something you naturally do. So for example, if somebody felt really emotionally disconnected from and childhood, "Gut, you're going to learn to emotionally connect to yourself. Maybe that's through a mindfulness practice where you notice what's going on in your body. Maybe that's from setting an alarm on your phone every three hours to be like, "What am I feeling? What do I need? Like, trying to check in with yourself. Maybe it's journaling in the morning and evening things that are connecting you to you. But as you do it across 21 day cycles, it has to be every day. We have to really be present and invested and it what ends up taking place is we are filling this void of grief from things we didn't get access to in childhood. And then you'll see people at day like 15 or 20. They're like, "Oh, I noticed what I was feeling today. Oh, I realized this today." And they're emotionally connected to themselves because they've actually wired it in. And that's where we start to really heal on that second pillar. For me, what changed the game with that is what doing yoga, right? And it's so basic and I know people listening might be like, "I don't want to do that." And it's like, "No, I sat my ass down. I meditated every single day for 10 minutes just to understand what are. " Like you said, "What are my thoughts? What am I thinking? What's coming up for me?" Because I saw somebody on thread said, "I'm self-aware. I don't need therapy." And I was like, "Bitch, the fuck you don't. If you think self-awareness is all it takes for you to heal, you are gravely mistaken. You can be as self-aware as anybody else, but that doesn't mean you're implementing. That doesn't mean you're actually making the changes and that doesn't mean that you're making the choices that align with the person that you want to fucking become. The only difference between me, you and anybody listening are the choices that we make every single day. Outside of the obvious of like where you're from and who you are and the fundamentals of you as a person systemically, but outside of that, it's the choices that we make. And I find that a lot of people are so resistant to just trying something. I've been to, for me, Wim Hof. Every single morning for 10 minutes, me and Ryan have been doing that. Now we're doing this like 21 day nervous system reset, but nonetheless, we have a routine because we don't sleep in the same bed. And so for me, I can't. That's a me thing. And so he comes in the morning, he lets Kobe into the room, he lays next to me. We talk for about 10 minutes, we kind of get it all out, we do Wim Hof, and then we get the day started. And I've seen it's uncomfortable and I don't like it, but I've seen that it expands my capacity. So that throughout the day, I'm like, I got this, dude, like I've even noticed I'm so in touch with my body today. I got bitchy. I started getting out, I'm tired. I'm feeling a sexual, I looked at my blood sugar, was crashing when you really, and this is coming from the girl that used to be so unaware. I didn't even know what was happening in my body. I didn't know what I was doing. And my point being is that it's not just about the repetition, but it's the intentionality behind it. That's what I'm hearing you say is like, how are you feeling? What are you feeling? And even for anybody listening, if it feels even if you're like, I don't know, what are the unmet needs? Something that even helped me was to go, okay, who did I go to when I was sad? Radely, who when I came home from school and I got bullied, where did I go? I went alone in my room. Okay, Sabrina, why'd you go alone in your room? Mom couldn't handle it. Dacca, okay, that's your unmet need, right? Like they couldn't handle it. They didn't have the bandwidth, they didn't have the capacity that doesn't make anybody right or wrong. But what it also does, and here's the beautiful thing. The more that we understand the wounds, the tramas, the triggers, the more we understand other people and we take it less personally. Because something I actually said today on a show that I was like, "uh, when we villainize everybody in our lives, raise the avoidant and fuck the avoidant and they're the terrible ones, you know what happens when we make everyone else the villain or the victim?" And when I'm the victim of my story, everything's happening to me. Whoa, is me. But when I can take radical accountability and say, "That's their journey." They are flooded, they're going through their thing. I don't have to excuse the behavior. I can say what are my choices and I'm no longer a victim and I'm actually leading my life and I'm driving the fucking car in the direction I want to go. That's so beautifully sad. This episode is sponsored by Fab Letics. You guys, it is spring, which means we need a wardrobe refresh. 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Again, this is a limited time offer, so don't wait. Again, that's fabletics.com/sabrina for 70 to 80% off everything as a new VIP. The other thing that's a really good way of people are like, I don't know what my admin needs are, is to look at in your relationship as what are you always trying to get? What are you always going to people for? Where do you feel like desperate if you don't get it? And maybe it's like that anxiety, you need to have that validation or approval or support. People who always struggle with looking for external approval, really struggle to approve of themselves internally. They don't actually show up and be like, okay, you're my wins. Here's the things I'm proud of. Here's the things I'm doing while they never pause and they're putting themselves down. So usually the things are always trying to source externally, especially in your closest relationships are the things you have to learn to practice giving to yourself. And what that does in turn is it allows people to stop and I think there's this like we get this conditioning from like romantic movies or like Disney movies or whatever it is. And it's as if like, oh somebody's just going to come along and be your hero and save everything for you. And it's like, that's on how it works. And that's actually that's not how healthy relationships work either. Healthy relationships happen when we end up becoming again like our own parent or our own hero. We start meeting our needs halfway. What's really interesting is the subconscious mind can't properly receive from other people things that are not part of its comfort zone. So for example, if you look at somebody who's like anxiously attached, they go into relationships and like I need validation, I need approval, they get it and it feels really good initially. And then they start, their subconscious starts rejecting it because it's not a part of its comfort zone. And the subconscious equates comfort to familiarity and safety and thus survival. So we're always trying to get back there. So what ends up happening is they'll be like, wait, are they really mean it? Like, oh, are they just being nice to everybody? And they start doubting the approval that they're getting. And it's almost as if like there's a hole in your bucket. Like somebody pours in the approval, it feels great. But then it leaks out. So truly us being able to resource our own needs is so important. And we can't have functional relationships without it. We put too much pressure on the other person to do it for us. And that fosters resentment long term and codependency. Oh, I see it all the time on the internet. Right. I saw something the other day I started to write and he was like, you got to be kidding. It was a guy that fucking tweeted on thread. I'm tweeted. Oh, here I am. He's at it on threads. And it was like, if they go, if they've been text you back in five hours, but in 30 minutes later, they post a story, then four hours minus 30 minutes equals blocked. And I was like, whoa, as first of all, that is the worst advice I've heard. And I said, that is really rigid black and white, very might optically view. Yeah. Because what we're saying is my lived experience is the only one that's important. And yours doesn't matter. And nobody else does. But what I say goes. And I see we see that often with the attachment style conversation. And I appreciate that you're not so like, let's only talk about that because I hear it all the time. I'm like, oh, well, some people, I make sure some people I'm avoiding. It's like, that's that's not you're not disorganized in that, right? Like that's not what that means. Back on because you know what? I'm going to fucking rabbit hold this. But let's get back because I want to know step three. I want to go through this the stages because I think this is the meat and potatoes because every day people ask me, what do I do? Where do I start? And this is where you start? Yeah, exactly 100%. The third thing is that we have to learn to regulate our nervous system. So this sounds like such an interesting people do a lot of this stuff in the world right now. And it drives me a little bit nuts, will be honest. People will come to me and be like, "I've done a somatic experiencing certification, which I've done and it's a beautiful certification, and I'm a big believer in polyvegal theory." And they'll be like, "I know how to regulate." But then they didn't do the first two pillars. So they've all these core wounds, they have all these on that needs, and then they get triggered all throughout the day, and then they regulate. And then they do the somatic work, and then they get triggered three hours later, and then they regulate. Or then they'll do things like, "Oh, my gosh, I'm triggered. Like, I need space so I can go regulate." And it's like, "Okay, like, we don't want to be in a position." And this was a really important part of my own healing from addiction first, was like, "You can't be in a position where you use all these band-aids." Like, somatic experiencing is really powerful, really important, nervous system regulation is really important. It's definitely trending on the internet right now. But that actually has to be secondary, because if you actually look at the mechanics of what's happening, by the time your nervous system is dysregulated, you either had unmet needs first, which caused you to feel negatively emotion, like negative emotions. And then those negative emotions signal to your body. If you've elevated cortisol or an apino-apino-apino-aperoid adrenaline, that signals to your body to move from parasympathetic to sympathetic nervous system. And the way you do the somatic experiencing, to pull ourselves back into parasympathetic, that like rest and digest nervous system mode, but it's like then you're just gonna go through that all day. Or even worse, if you have a belief that's triggered, I give people this acronym, B-T-E-A. If I have a belief, I'll say I have a core belief in childhood, where I'm like, "I'm not good enough," and I didn't work through that. Then if I were to go into like a big networking event full of people, I might be like, "Oh, I'm not interesting enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not cool enough, I'm not funny enough," whatever it is. So beliefs create all these patterns of thought, almost like tree branches springing off of a tree trunk. Then how do we feel when we're thinking those things? Well, then we have all these like stressful emotions. Those emotions then again, signal to our sympathetic nervous system like, "Hey, come online, 'cause when you're feeling stressed, you all this core dissolve." And then your body goes into the self-protection mode. And then people are like, "Good, regulate myself." "Nervous as a regulation." And it's like, "Okay, that's good." But do you want to go through your life band dating all the time? And for me, that was drugs. It was like, "Oh, I feel dysregulated." Pop a pill. And it's like, "Okay, that's not functional. That's not dealing with root cause and nuts." No. So our third pillar is nervous as a regulation, but that's why it's number three. Is that we got to do the deep underlying interwork first, but then we have to teach our body that we're safe. Just like you know, you see those videos of like, "Pull on your ear for 30 seconds and you regulate." And it's like, "Here's also another thing that I learned." I really don't like that stuff. It's like, "It was same clickbait, right? It's the same if you wanted to. He would of, of, of, of, of, of psychology." But what I learned was, as my, with my functional medicine doctor and everything, she was like, "Okay, we need to downregulate." Like, I'm, I was, I found out with my Dutch test, I woke up with tons of cortisol, free cortisol in the morning. And so then she was like, "Okay, we're gonna PEMF and we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this." Then what happened? The pendulum swung, I was downregulating too much. That, then I was suddenly, I was becoming like super, all of a sudden I was like, "Why am I not feeling well?" She's like, "Okay, now we want the other extreme. We can't have you downregulate that much." Because now your body is like, "Wait, wait, wait, why are we so calm?" Like, this doesn't make any sense. And so I think what I see it as, with to your point, regulating my, like, it's such, it makes so much sense. Because for me, my journey was, understand the thoughts and the patterns and the core beliefs. Then that went into, okay, now can I, like, how can I challenge those? What can I do about that? How can I start to understand them? Then I learned how to regulate my nervous system. That came in six years into my healing journey because I was introduced to someone and she, you know, opened up. But now I even learn, I'm like, "Okay, here's the other thing." And I'm sure you'll understand what I'm about to say. Regulating your nervous system doesn't make it all go away. All that means is that your body's like, "Okay, we can access choice now." Like, we're here, head is where our feet are. Let's get into it because that's what drives me insane is this misconception that regulating means like, "I'm fine now." Yeah. If only you and I would be millionaires if that was the case. Okay, so we regulate. Now where do we go? So, and I'll give people a little tool here because I think we get a lot of like, "Okay, you can do the obvious. You can do meditation and mindfulness practices and breath work and all these things." And that's great. And it does teach your body you're safe. And that is an important part of healing and it's something that you repeatedly over time because it teaches your body what it's like to be in parasympathetic and to attune to oneself. A really good exercise that I find that actually is very helpful in this pillar is it's called somatic processing. So there was a study I read years ago and they were basically teaching us without having a framework around it. And they took these participants and they put them into FMRI, scanners and they scanned their brains. And they told them, "Hey, tell us like you're "a really triggering events." Like the really like on process stuff. Like people would be like, "Oh, my husband cheated on me 13 years ago." And then they'd be like, "Oh my gosh, I caught my parent doing this thing." You know, all these like really triggering events. And they had them as they were calling these triggering events, they scanned their brains. And they found that all this brain activity drained essentially out of the prefrontal cortex and neocortex regions and into the reptilian brain. Which is like you know when you're triggered, you're like the reptilian version of yourself. You're like the animal version of yourself. Ferro cat. (laughs) Exactly. So they go through this. And they're like, "Okay, now that you're really triggered, "they're like, stop telling us the story." And instead I just want to hear from you, what emotions you're feeling, what it feels like in your body, tell me the sensations. And some people say, "Okay, I feel angry." And it feels like there's heat in my chest and down my arms. And then they would tell them, "Okay." And like, stay in that and get them to observe the sensations for like 30 to 90 seconds. And in doing that, brain activity would come back up to the prefrontal cortex. So it's funny because in like Buddhist communities they're like, "Oh, be in witness and consciousness." Like, and it's like we're like neuroscience and spiritual auditors, "Oh, we're laughing, "they're telling you the same things." Which to me is like when you found truth. And so that's a really great practice. It's like if you're triggered rather than going into the story, practice just noticing the sensations in your body getting grounded. That can be a really helpful thing. And it teaches you to move out of a sympathetic and back to parasympathetic more quickly, or at least it's a good assisting support in doing that. - Yeah, 'cause if you're dysregulated, the last thing I'm gonna do is be like, "Close your eyes and try to be zen." You're like, "Please, if there's a tiger running after me, "I'm not gonna be like, let me just tap in." I think the semantics of, I do that with my, like any of the clients I have, I usually try to get them to stop. And I'm like, "No, no, describe the sensation." And you can see they wanna get out of it. And they're like, "I'm feeling, "I'm really annoyed that he didn't answer." I'm like, "That's not what I asked you. "I asked you the sensation." And I've had plenty of people like, "I can't, I don't know. "I don't know." And I'm like, "Move out, I don't know what, "of the way to the side. Basic primary emotion is there a color, "is there a shape, is there a texture?" To this day, I will say 100 out of 100, 100% of the time. And you'll know exactly that when I have people focus on like, "What is it?" By the time the 90 to a minute, right, the jubble tailor, by the time the 90 seconds is done, they're like, "Oh, it's not as bad." Oh, it doesn't feel as intense. I'm like, "Because you, you're not gonna feel better "unless you feel." And that's really scary because for me as a kid, feeling meant I wasn't safe. It meant that I had to actually acknowledge that my father didn't have the capacity to be the dad. I needed, he was incredibly abusive, whether it be verbally, physically, where my brother's drug problem wasn't just like, "Oh, what, that's so crazy." It was symptomatic of the origin story of like, he was the, he was the, "Oh, child," right? Like the zero, the patient zero that everybody thought, "Look, look, that's a thing, but it was the red herring." Right, it was taking you away from everything else. And so if we didn't understand that, we're not gonna be able to be able to do anything else. That was too threatening to me. Now, now holding space for my emotions, it is scary, but that's the fucking point. That's the point of it is as humans, we have to be robust and if we're only gonna say, I only want the good. Right, how many times you've heard that? I'm like, "I only want, well, like, why is my relationship?" I had one person actually write in and said, her partner broke up with her because he said, "We fought." And she was trying to explain to him, like that's okay, like we're allowed to disagree. And he was like, "No, no, absolutely not. "That means it's not a good relationship." It's like, "I understand what you mean, "accessifying, no repair is a problem, "but it's meant to happen so that we can see the deeper parts." And truly, like, there's a lot of avoiding people who believe that, which is sad, that they think, okay, like fighting just means it's not working and it's like, no, no, no. Conflict itself is not good or bad. It's how we handle conflict that becomes healthier and healthy. And it's like, those dynamics are times where somebody is like, "No, no, no, conflict. "We can't do it." That's a problem with a signal, and you just haven't learned how to navigate conflict. Which the other side of the coin, right? The anxious thing that like, "Oh, that's normal, right? "Like, oh, we're hot and cold. "We're up and down. "We're inconsistent." No, no, no, no. We don't want that as a baseline. - Yeah, exactly. - So, fourth filler. - Fourth filler. - Fourth filler. - Let's go. - Fourth filler. - Fourth filler. - Yeah, fourth filler is, at this point, it's communicating. And this was like, what I learned, it was so interesting when I met my husband. I had been working with people for a couple of years, and I thought, "Oh, I'm so healed. "I'm so good. "I got this. "Oh, my gosh, because relative to where I was, "I come a long way." But I was really in a bad spot to start off with. So it was sort of like, okay, came a long way. I thought I was good and realized, like, oh my gosh, I have no idea how to communicate in a relationship. Like, I have no idea. And I remember dating and having things come up and just being like, I'll sleep them under the rug and then I would just pull away, right? And when I was fearful of waiting before that, I would get like really mad and past relationships or really frustrated. It was a lot more chaotic. But at this point in time, I didn't want to the other work. So I just kind of like, pull away, pull away. And I was like, wait, this isn't like, yeah, I'm expecting him to figure these things out and know these things about me. And like, I haven't even communicated or expressed them. And I started really working with myself on communication and then eventually learning all these tools and frameworks and working with other people on it and my practice at the time. And it was so interesting because people would come in. And as I started to work on like unpacking their communication, people would come in and all the time they'd be like, "Taiese, my spouse doesn't listen to me. My wife doesn't listen to me. My husband ignores me. Dada, and over time I realized like, no, no, 95% of the time that that's happening. It's that that person has no idea how to communicate. Like, I once had no idea how to communicate. And what I realized is there's a few things that people do really wrong. There's like a few major ones, but I can just give a couple. The first one is people have no idea how to positively frame. So I was really guilty of this. I used to be like, oh, you don't care about me. You never spend enough time with me. Instead of being like, hey, I'm feeling disconnected. I would really love to spend more quality time together. Let's plan a fun date night on the weekend. And so the first thing is like, if you don't positively frame nobody hears what you're saying. No, like people are like, oh, you're criticizing me. That's all they hear. And behind every criticism, there's actually a need. What have you got? You don't recognize that, then like you're all your life, your criticism, your communication is going to fall in deaf ears. And one of the most crazy and like life changing things for me is when I started communicating properly, I was like, my God, all these people around me like really care about me. Like, oh, I say a need and I say like that and people like want to meet it and show up and it was actually very healing to be on the receiving end of that. And I'd see that in so many people's lives afterwards. So first thing is positive framing. Second thing I would see this all the time in client practice, people would be like, oh, I need support. They go home. I'm going to go back the next week and the way I feel like my husband didn't support me. And the husband would be like, I took out the trash. I did the dishes and she'd be like, oh, I needed you to like hug me more often. And so the second pillar is like, you got to like actually paint a picture of what you expect this to look like. Yeah. And when people don't do that properly, it's a mess. Like you can say, why won't support or want these things and people like, okay, what is that? Like I have no idea or a lot of times with anxious and avoid it. You see the anxious person's like, well, I want more time with you and the avoidant person's like, oh, good, I'll sit with them for 10 minutes right now. Yeah. Shout out to Ryan. Love him. But it's true. He's like, okay, but I listened for like 10 minutes. You're like, oh, that's not what I meant. And like the positive reframing is so important. First of all, using eye statements, but second of all, it's the same. I feel when people are like, my avoidant. And I'm like, first of all, they're not you're anything. Would you want someone to be like, my anxious? You're like, what the fuck did you just call me? Like, you're reduced. It's reductive, right? You're reducing me down to a name. And then what do they hear is like you and you. You don't do this. It's like, or instead, I feel this. And if somebody's going to argue with my feelings, we can have a conversation about that, not being the relationship I'm in. But I think that there's something really beautiful and strong. And like the point being, notice how that was point four, because point three is you do need to regulate to process so that I don't go and be like, you said this and I don't like that. And so I can say, hey, when you said this, I shut down. And I felt really disconnected from you. Moving forward, could you say this 100% exactly? And that is when people actually hear you, that's when people know how to show up for you. And then you can properly vet how they show up. This episode is sponsored by Batch. I don't know about you guys, but I am looking for things that I can add to my routine, not that replace something or help me kind of avoid. And that's why I love Batch's micromance so much. So the micromance are a sublingual CBD THC mint designed for daily calm and mood support. Not sedation, not a buzz, just feeling more like yourself. My mom came to town, she was feeling dysregulated, exhausted after her flight. 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I'll speak for myself, but I used to do this thing all the time or I'd be like, I'm trying. So hard in a relationship would be very giving and very generous. And then I would be like, oh, I'm not getting back what I'm expecting. I'm not a here like that's it. And I would just leave. And I did this all the time. I just pushed somebody where threatened to leave a relationship and I did this when I was young before I healed and before I got sober and all these things. But like I would just do that like crazy. And I realized later like, oh, a part of my own healing and this is for anybody else who does that is like before I just like jet and run away. Or threaten to run away or push away. I better be like saying what my truth is and actually taking up space and communicating my needs because if I don't, I'm just expecting somebody to mind read by default. I'm not doing any of my own work. And then pushing somebody away on like whatever pretenses like they were supposed to be this character in my story and just show up and get it all the time. Like that's not possible. And so that was really powerful for me as a person. And that was the big thing we ended up sharing in our programs. And so I get people to be like, go through and actually say what they need. And then you can bet if somebody never shows up and never tries, that's a different conversation. But if somebody's trying and they're really making an effort and then they forget sometimes the next part of our communication is like you have to see your needs through because everybody has decades of different conditioning than we do. So what you might need in a relationship, where I might need something else and vice versa. Like everybody's like that. And so sometimes people will be like, and I did this in my own healing journey at the beginning is I would be like, I communicated my need once. It was four months ago and they forgot today four months later how dare they. I hear that all the time. I'm like, well, I already said it. It's like, say it again. Say it again for them. And not in a no it like obviously, wait, if you don't see progress and you're like, dude, I've said it to 18 times this week, you're not doing it. Well, people are allowed to be human. Yes, 100% and people are not going to, if they have learned that relationships look a certain way because they grew up in a different household than you did, and they didn't see people, you know, be as validating or be as vulnerable, whatever it might be. And then you saw only that or way more of that when we try to merge or inner worlds together and get like into relationship with somebody, it's going to literally require that you learn how to talk things through. And that's going to require that you see your needs through and remind people sometimes. And so having a conversation a few times is okay. And it's acceptable. And it's actually part of one person being able to become a good communicator. So that's a really important piece of the communication. And the very last thing is when you're asking for your needs to be met and you probably see this all the time too, when you're asking for your needs to be met, when somebody meets them, if they make a little mistake and they don't do it perfectly, you can't go criticize them. You can't be like, you folded the laundry raw. Yeah, it's like, and I'll do that. Sometimes I'll gently be like, hey, babe, or like, you know, when Ryan, like I'll ask him to make me lunch. And instead of being like, I didn't like this. I'll be like, hey, I thank you so much for making me lunch. I don't really love the chicken. And that's not a knock against you. I don't love the flavor. Moving forward, could we try something different? Because I really appreciate this because I want people to understand like, no, no, I'm not being, but I even say I'm like, how would you know if I don't tell you? And I'm just people pleasing my way through. Exactly. And that's a big piece. So like, be validating. And this is the example I give. It's so similar to that. It's so funny. It's like if somebody's doing the laundry and they put it in the wrong place, be like, hey, thank you so much for doing the laundry. Like I really appreciate it. You heard me. Thank you. Just for future reference. I usually put it here next time. And that's it. And then somebody's like, okay, you validated them. You heard them. You can still give feedback. And you do it in a positively framed way. It's not criticism. But so often people are like, God, you did the laundry wrong. And then people, and I would see this couples time and time and time again. The other person's like, why am I bothering? Like, I'm going to get criticized when I ask for, or when I do something. So I get criticized either way, why am I trying? And it's just so defeating to be able to receive again. So that's a big fifth pillar of communication. I see that with the boundaries conversation, right? They're like, well, I said my boundary and they crossed it. And like, that's not how that works, right? That's no one's crossing it. Like you crossed your own. But I see that often. Like, well, I said it. Like I said, I'm not doing this. And it's like, again, some people might forget. Like Ryan might have told me something and I'm like, I'm sorry, where was I when you told me that? Because I wasn't on planet earth in that moment. Or maybe I had my period. Maybe I was tired. Maybe I hadn't slept that night. And again, I think what we're looking for progress, not perfection when it comes to, because not everybody that's listening is in a relationship, right? And it's like, this is also the pillars of dating of human human, right? Of human being, human being friendships, family relationships, everything. Yes. Relationship, right? The overarching doesn't have to be romantic. So fifth pillar that I just teed you up on boundaries. Take it all. So boundaries, and this is what was really important. Again, I learned a lot of these things myself first. It was kind of my own getting picked before doing this work with people for 15 years. Life story. But yeah, but I would read all the books about boundaries when I started learning about boundaries. I was like, boundaries, boundaries, wow, I suck up boundaries. I had what I call the fearful of wouldn't boundary cycle, where I would be boundary lists, because it would be really generous, no forgiving. And then I would be like, oh my gosh, I feel taken advantage of because I would pour into everything. Yeah. And then I'd be like, okay, here are all my boundaries. And I'd do them really intensely. And then I would go back, then I'd feel guilty about my behavior and go back to being boundary lists again. And it was just like a round turn around in a cycle. So I started reading about boundaries. I was like, okay, I need this. And I read like four books on boundaries, read all these published papers about boundaries, all these things I could find. And then I would get into this trap, which I see with people all the time. We're suddenly you're in the moment. It's real time. And you're like, oh, this is a time I have to say my boundary. And then like you just can't do it. You clam up. I remember getting in situations where I'd be stuck in a conversation. I'd be like, at the end of a really long work day. And I'd be like, I got to get out of here. I got to go. And then I would just like stay there and like not leave. And I would be like, this is a time for me. Why don't I do it? And so what I realized is that if you want to do boundaries, it has to be at the subconscious level. And it can't just be like this intellectualized thing. And so for me, the first step was like, okay, what do I make setting a boundary mean? Or what am I afraid will happen? And when I looked back in my own childhood, I was like, oh, if I said a boundary would be punished. And so I'm like, oh, a boundary makes me unsafe. So I had to first rewire that story and see how boundaries make me safe. See that. Get lots of evidence and emotion and imagery for 21 days. Then I was like, okay, very wired in boundaries or a safe thing. That's good. And the next thing is, I had no idea how to set boundaries in just a normal way. So I had to practice exposure work, which is like small boundary setting and incremental doses over time with easy people first. You can't just go to like the biggest scariest person you're a narcissist, a stick boss or whoever it is. Your very first time and titrate it. And you do it enough times and you get your like, it becomes a part of your comfort zone. So did that. And then all of a sudden, I became good at setting boundaries. And it was like natural to be like, oh, no, I don't want to do that. I'm like, oh, sorry, I'm going to have to leave early things. It was so much easier to do those things and have those conversations without it being this like, oh, my God, it's such a big deal or have to save my boundaries so intensely. And so that's how we have to do boundaries. It has to be at the subconscious level of mind, you 21 days of doing it repeatedly. Because if we don't, then we're not actually conditioning the patterns and it still is like intellectualized thing. You've got to remove your fears around it first and then actually make sure you're doing exposure work. And over time, that embeds it into your subconscious and then it becomes a natural That becomes a little more subtle. The fifth major pillar. - No is my favorite word. It is. - I love, I used to never, I used to never. I've stories I've shared before of like the dude that would text me at 2 a.m. come over and I'd be like, okay, like I'd be on my way 'cause I was terrified. If I said no, what would that mean? I lose you, you're not gonna be there for me. Then I am the problem. Until I started to realize like, wait a minute. And it was very incremental. It was saying it and then realizing, I'm okay, I'm not dead. Nothing happened to me, like I'm fine, my life goes on. And building it slowly and I think that's the biggest thing. Everything that you're describing and a lot of people want to hear 'cause I get it every day. How do I do this fast? What is a quick, how can I get rid of it? I get this every single fucking day when I'm on TikTok live. How do I get rid of my anxious attachment? And it's like, oh no, no. If you think you're gonna get rid of it, baby doll, let me let you know. You learn to live with it. You heal the wound, but it doesn't go away. I'd be lying if I said I woke up every day being the most secure person. Someone could say something mean to me and I cry 'cause I'm a fucking human. But we'll learn his capacity and then to reframe the stories. Even Ryan actually caught me the other day. I was sending an email and I overexplained. I was saying something I was breaking up with somebody. It was like a work thing. And I went into like, you know, this isn't, this schedule doesn't work with me. Instead of putting a period, I was like, 'cause you know my schedule's really crazy and I don't really know my consistency. And Ryan went, ah, dilly, and put the period. And I was like, you're right. Okay, you're right. And like sure enough, it was well received. They were like totally understanding. Thank you so much. I'm so glad that we got to do this. Take care. What I've learned really about setting boundaries is like if you're gonna set a boundary and somebody is going to have an overreaction, right? The pinch doesn't match the out. Like if I say no, I don't wanna go out to dinner and your response is like, what, pully it? Are you start putting me down or mocking me? Or making fun of me? That is the clearest indication that the boundary was not just necessary, but mandatory. 100%. Because people show you who they are, please believe them. And oftentimes like I see this all the time, like I don't wanna relationship. To me that is setting a boundary with somebody. I'm telling you off the bat, I don't want this. I saw somebody post today about like a thread that happened between texts. The guy said, I told you this when we met, I wasn't ready for a relationship and it doesn't feel like you're respecting that. And now I'm getting a yelled at because I don't wanna be with you when I told you from the beginning that's not what I wanted. And that's okay. That's very fair. That's very fair. And I know rejections and activity and we start getting all into our, but we can also remove ourselves and say, what was my part in that? My part in that was I didn't listen. I didn't respect what this person said. I thought I could change them. Yes. That's okay, that's human, but that doesn't make it okay. And I think in those situations, if that's the case, you have to have a follow up conversations. Like if you're like two months in, you might be like, Hey, I know you said two months ago you didn't want a relationship. I'm starting to feel like there's a connection here beyond maybe just something superficial. Are we moving in that direction? Like have that conversation check back and things can change, have the conversation. If you're just assuming then you're angry because you're just assuming that you would change the person or that they would change their mind or your intention or relationship to it from the jump was to change their mind. That's where unfortunately there's a huge boundary violation that takes place there. 100%. Okay, so we went over the five. Yeah, so there's a sixth bonus pillar. Please tell me. Yeah, so sixth bonus pillar is how to rewire your behavior. Okay, so this came from a lot of like my own behaviors at the beginning, but whenever we have a behavior that we're taking part in, if we judge it consciously as bad, if we're doing it, it's because there's some consciousness that is good. So there's this sort of like disconnect that's taking place. It's a form of cognitive dissonance. For example, if somebody goes into relationships and they're angry all the time, let's say they're always yelling or raising their voice. Consciously they might be like, oh my god, I don't want to yell at my wife and kids or I don't want to yell at my partner. But subconsciously they're doing it for a reason. So there's two things that are happening. The behavior meets a hidden need. Usually need that we're starving for first. For example, people who struggle with anger issues, they actually are using anger as a subconscious strategy to feel seen, heard, understood, a set of boundaries to take their power back. And so what happens is angry, does that all in one fell swoop? Right? You're like, oh, I yell and then it's like, I get seen and heard, I'm yelling, I'm getting bigger, I'm getting louder, I get understood, I finally say all the things I wasn't saying. I said a boundary with my anger because my anger pushes somebody away. So your subconscious is getting a hidden need met. Number one, but number two, because that's become a strategy that you had to use when you were starving for those needs, you actually have more positive and negative emotional associations wired into the behavior itself. Oh yeah. Well, we have to actually rebalance that. So what I get people to do is when they're trying to change a behavior is first be like, well, what are the hidden needs it's needing? Let me figure out healthier ways of getting those needs met. So if it's anger, hey, let's practice like being vulnerable and communicating earlier about things instead of every person I ever worked with with severe anger issues, they actually had vulnerability issues and boundary issues and they weren't going to communicating. And so now anger becomes the thing that lets them get all those needs met. So the first thing is like, okay, what? And for people it's different, like if somebody's like, oh, they emotionally overeat all the time and they're like really struggling with food. Okay, well, what are your associations to food? Well, your first time you're experiencing food is when you're being brass fed, when there's a tremendous amount of oxytocin being produced, which is the bonding neurochemical and you feel safe and you're cradled to food, usually equal safety, comfort, connection. So we all have these like needs to these unhealthy behaviors. So we define those first, come up with better ways to get those needs met. But secondly, we actually have to wire in the costs of the old behavior and the benefits of the new behavior. So what that looks like is somebody sitting down and be like, what are all the costs of raising my voice every night? What are all the costs? Like what does it look like? And the more emotion and imagery the better, because it gets to the subconscious mind. So we want to be like, okay, what are all the costs of like, what is my wife look at me like when I yell at her? What does my husband do when I push him away that way? What do my kids do when ABC happens? And so we want to get a ton of like emotions, images, all the costs of the behavior, because the behavior first got wired in usually because maybe as a child you would have a temper tantrum. And then your parents would give you candy. And you're like, oh, okay, angry equals good. Angry equals I get these things met. So we've come up with updated strategies to get the needs met. Second thing we do is we go, okay, what are all the negatives of this behavior? We want 10 to 15 of them for repetition. What are all the positives of dropping this behavior, leaving this behavior behind? What would my life look like? How would my relationships improve? Then again, the same thing. We record ourselves saying it aloud. Listen back for 21 days. We're trying to actually ingrain and shift and change. The Stored Subconscious Emotional Associations next to the behavior while getting the needs met in new ways. And it works profoundly for people actually shapeshifting their behavior. God, that's so fucking cool. I love neuroplasticity. I think it's wild. And I mean, as you were talking with anger, I'm like, I used to be so reactive. Holy shit, the second something happened, I would get big. I would scream, I would yell. And I think for me it was definitely the scene component of like, or I saw my dad do that. And I'm like, okay, so that's how people respect you, right? If you're a bull in a china shop, if you go in hard, and you know what changed it for me was like, sounds so simple, but I gave myself permission to know on. And I know that sounds so rudimentary, but I started there, right? Like, of course, then the rest of the work continued, but I needed to give myself permission to say, like, that's not okay. Like, you didn't enjoy that. You didn't like when he did that. That doesn't make you feel good. So then how are you making other people feel? Probably not great. You look like a fucking nut job, Zohar. And so I really had to stop and say, like, you're also allowed to just sometimes Ryan will say something and I'll just look at him. And I'm like, no, give me a minute. Like, I'm allowed to take this second, even a minute, sitting across from someone and say, like, oh, Faddo, we've had it where we're sitting in silence and he's like, are you upset? And I'm like, I'm still processing this. I'm still trying to understand how I feel. And I'm like, literally, give me a minute. And then I can come back and say, okay, all right. So here's what just happened to me. That's really human. But I think within everything that you've described that I love is like, you're giving people choices. You're allowing them to have the choice to make these changes. And I think that really is the most beautiful part. And the here's the thing, 21 days. You said 21 days, you didn't say 21 years. You didn't say 21 months. You said 21 fucking days. So right now, what can we, like, I always like to end with a tool a week, even though you gave an entire tool. But is there something maybe specific tangible, something small, a micro moment where somebody can get started now on that 21 day journey? Is it the list? Is it something? Is it even just smiling? I don't fucking know. But I think a lot of people are stuck either. There's, I'll give you the two scenarios. Either they stuck, they don't know where to start or they've done so much work. And they're like, but nothing is changing. Yeah. And the reason that that happens is if the work doesn't reach to the subconscious, you can read all of the personal growth things under the sun. And you're just going to go through the same circles. And I get that because they spend time there. You know what I mean? I was like, try the meetings and the end of me and all these things. But the first thing I would say, just as simplest, is be like, pick one need. Like, what are you seeking so desperately from other people? And just practice giving that to yourself for 21 days. And you'll just see that huge shifting, removing of the needle from that one thing. And then it will give you momentum to be like, OK, let me plug into the other pillars and do work in those particular areas. And I always think too, like, I know, like, there's six pillars and they, you know, 20, when days for some of the pillars and stuff like that, but, but it's always so much more work not to do the work, right? And I always tell people too. And it's kind of like tongue in cheek. But when you do this work, you get to consciously choose your subconscious patterns. When you don't, who's choosing your patterns? Mama dad, probably. Yeah. And it's like, so mom and dad are still running your brain as an adult. And it's like, well, we have a conscious mind. So we can actually, our conscious minds are logical thinking and a logical mind. We can actually go in and we can observe. And we can use the tools and we can rewire and we can change those own things, our own programming and conditioning so we can become the person we want to be instead of the world or universe just choosing for us because of whatever family household we got it born into and whatever childhood we had. Like, you just because you were dealt that part of that hand of cards does not mean that that has to be your entire future. So worth while to go in and do that work. Because it really changes that very thing. Oh, I thought it was fun when people were like, it's hard. I'm like, bitch, choose your. You know what's really hard? Just taking the same thing. It is so exhausting waking up every day with this immense anxiety. I actually get excited when I have something new I can do. Like when my doctor's like, hey, your blood, your results came back with this. We're going to do that. And it's like, yes, okay, give me something I can do, something I can at least implement try. Even if that means sitting in stillness for a minute every single day, but it really for me, I get excited about how much more can I grow? Because if this is it, unsubscribe, right? Like if this is the best I could do until I take my last breath, I want to always be striving for better. And so I think it's a really beautiful practice of like choosing yourself is also implementing this is trying it is saying like people say, I listened every episode, but then they'll come back and be like, I've listened to all the episodes, but I still like, nothing's changing. And it's like, listen, baby, if you've listened to the hundred and whatever, how many fucking at this point, it was 200 episodes, if not more at this point by the time this comes out. And nothing is sticking. Then it sounds like subconscious and conscious mind are not connecting. Yes. 100%. Oh, Taisa. So much fun. You're one of my favorite people. That's one of my favorite people. I was like, I'm already thinking about the next episode. It's like a tattoo, right? What you're getting what you're thinking of the next? Where can people find you work with you? Tell us more about the personal development school. Yeah. Thank you. So I am at personaldevelopmentschool.com. There's a free attachment quiz that goes into all these different pillars of healing. And people get sort of a personalized report. And then I'm on YouTube, which is Tais Gibson- Personal Development School and on Instagram at the personal development school. You have the best podcast. Love it. Thanks, good. Well, link everything. But guys, thank you so much for sitting with us. I hope that you were able to take away something from this to really start to implement. It doesn't matter where the fuck you are on the journey. You're worthy in deserving. And I hope you guys see that because we do. And so guys, don't forget, right? Renvie the show. Share it with a friend. Leave a comment. Let me know what you think. Let me know what we want Tais to come back and talk about. She's the queen of attachment style conversations in a way that we had her on for disorganized last year. I think it was already last year. So let me know what you want us to get into because we're going to have it back on. And I'm so excited, guys. Until next time, babies. [BLANK_AUDIO]