Why You Felt So Confident...Then Started Drinking Again

Hey everybody, welcome to the Addiction Unlimited podcast where you get to learn everything you want to know about addiction and recovery. I'm your host, Angela Pugh, co-founder of Kansas City Recovery, Life Coach and Recovery in Alcoholic. To learn more about me, you can listen to episode zero on your podcast app or find us on the web at AddictionUnlimited.com. Hello my friend, welcome back to Addiction Unlimited, I'm your coach Angela Pugh. You know, one of the things I hear almost every day on consultation calls is this. Like Angela, I don't understand. I can quit. I've done 30 days, 60 days. I've even done 90 days, but I always end up drinking again. And maybe you've said those exact words or maybe you've just thought them. I know I can quit, I've proven that, so why do I always end up back at day one? And I want you to know something that might surprise you. When someone tells me they've had stretches of sobriety, whether that's two weeks, two months, six months, even a couple of years, I actually see that as a really good sign. In fact, it's one of the things I'm listening for on a consultation call because what you've already proven is incredibly important. You've already proven you can live without alcohol. You've proven you can wake up, go to work, handle your family, navigate your day, solve problems, deal with life, and survive without taking a drink. And that tells me something. It tells me that quitting isn't the mystery anymore. Now does that mean it's been easy? Of course not. Does it mean you've built a life that supports staying sober? Not necessarily. But it does tell me that alcohol isn't physically required for you to function anymore. You already have proof of that and that changes the conversation because I know your problem isn't that you don't know how to quit drinking. The problem is nobody ever taught you what comes after quitting. And that's what we're going to talk about today because almost everyone in the recovery space talks about how to quit drinking, but very few people talk about what happens after you've proven you can quit. What happens when you're feeling good? You're not craving. You're not whitenuckling your way through every day. You're feeling confident. Life feels normal again. And then somehow weeks later, months later, you're drinking again. You're like, what happened? I was feeling so good. Well, you didn't suddenly lose your willpower. You missed a necessary transition, the transition from quitting drinking to building a life that actually supports sobriety. And once you understand that transition, everything starts to make a whole lot more sense. So let's start with the biggest mindset shift. I hope you take away from today's episode. If you've been able to string together weeks or months of sobriety, even if you've always gone back to drinking, then quitting drinking isn't your biggest problem because you've already demonstrated you know how to stop. There are actually two completely different skills here. Skill one is quitting drinking. That's behavior. It's making the decision, going through detox, surviving the first weekend, learning to say no, getting through cravings, removing alcohol. Those are quitting skills. Then there's skill number two, staying sober. This is a completely different skill set. This is learning how to build a life where alcohol isn't your answer anymore. And those are not the same thing. This is why so many high functioning people feel so confused because they're incredibly capable. You're disciplined. You've built a successful career. You've raised families, salt hard problems. So naturally you assume if I can quit drinking, I should be able to stay sober. It feels like those should be the same thing. They're not. Stopping drinking is a behavior. Recovery is an identity. Stopping drinking is something you do. Recovery is becoming someone, right? Those are two very different transformations. And I think a lot of people accidentally measure the wrong thing. They measure time, right? 30 days, 60 days, 90 days. And don't get me wrong, the milestones matter. There were cell rad love celebrating my milestones. But time doesn't automatically equal transformation. You're measuring success by time instead of transformation. I think that's why people call me and say, "Angela, I don't understand. I was doing so well." My question is never how many days did you have? My question is, what changed? What were you actually doing on a daily basis to support your sobriety? Because if the only thing that changed was that alcohol disappeared, then the life that eventually asked you to drink again is still sitting there waiting for you. So if quitting isn't the problem anymore, why do so many people find themselves right back at day one? And I think this starts with something that sounds like a good thing, right? Confidence. And don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying confidence is bad. Real confidence is one of the greatest gifts of recovery. What I'm talking about is false confidence. And false confidence doesn't usually sound like arrogance. It's not like I've got this all figured out. It usually sounds much more innocent than that. It's like, I'm feeling good. I'm not craving. I'm not thinking about alcohol anymore. I think I'm finally past it. And because you're feeling better, you stop. Not drinking, but you stop building. That's the trap. One of the biggest mistakes I see people make is they think recovery is only something you do when you're struggling. So when the cravings calm down, when life starts feeling normal again, when you're sleeping better, you're anxiety settles. When everyone around you start saying, wow, you seem so much happier. You think, okay, I think I made it. And without even realizing it, you go right back to living the same life you were living before. The only difference is now you're doing it without alcohol. And here's the important part. I'm not saying you should spend every waking hour reading recovery books or listening to podcasts or going to meetings forever. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about something much bigger than recovery content. I'm talking about your life. Because if you're drinking lifestyle, never changes. Eventually, you're drinking lifestyle is going to ask you to drink again. That's where people get stuck. They stop drinking, but they never stop living inside the life that taught them alcohol was the answer. One of the things I talk about all the time is building a life that actually supports your well-being. And we usually think about the big things, right? Our routines, our relationships, our habits. But sometimes it's the little things that make home feel like a place where you can actually exhale. I was reading Kozy Earth's story recently and something really stood out to me. They talk about how home is where life happens. It's where we rest, where we recharge, where we spend time with the people we love, and where so many of our best memories are made. And I thought, that's exactly why the things we surround ourselves with matter. If you've listened to this podcast for a while, you know I'm a huge fan of their bamboo sheet set. But I have to tell you, the bamboo pajamas are just as incredible. They're unbelievably soft, lightweight, breathable. And they're one of those little luxuries that make climbing into bed one of my favorite parts of the day. It's one of the simple ways I remind myself that taking care of myself isn't selfish. It's part of building the life I want. And one of the things I really appreciate is that Kozy Earth stands behind everything they make. Their sheets come with a hundred night sleep trial. Their clothing is backed by a lifetime warranty. And they offer hassle free returns if something isn't right. If you're ready to upgrade your sleep or treat yourself to the softest pajamas you've ever owned, head to kozyearth.com and use my code Angela for an exclusive 20% off. That's code Angela for an exclusive 20% off. And if you see a post purchased survey, mention you heard about Kozy Earth right here on addiction unlimited. Okay, so if the answer isn't trying harder and it isn't getting better at quitting, then what is it? And I think the answer is you have to transition from quitting drinking to building a life that supports sobriety. And those aren't the same thing. Because again, what I see happen is someone quit drinking and they make it through the hard part. They get the first few weeks under their belt, maybe a couple of months, they're sleeping better, feeling more confident, thinking more clearly. And then they just go back to living their life, the same life. The only difference is they're trying to do it without alcohol. Because nobody ever told them there was another step. Nobody ever said, "Okay, now that alcohol isn't consuming all of your attention anymore, what kind of life are you going to build?" I mean, I guess I've told you on 400+ episodes. But recovery isn't just about removing something, it's about replacing it with something. Not replacing alcohol with kombucha, replacing wine with sparkling water, replacing the life that revolved around alcohol with a life that no longer needs it at the center. That's a different conversation. When I say, "Build a life that supports sobriety," I think people immediately picture recovery meetings and books and podcasts and journaling and worksheets. And all of those things are incredibly valuable. But it's not what I'm really talking about. I'm talking about building your life differently. Maybe your Friday nights look different. Maybe your friendships evolve. Maybe you finally create a morning routine because you've spent years waking up in survival mode. Maybe you learn what anxiety actually feels like in your body before it becomes an urge to escape. Maybe you start saying yes to things that genuinely make you feel alive instead of automatically saying yes to the same drinking events you've been attending for years. Maybe you discover that you actually love hiking or pickleball or yoga or cooking or live music that you actually remember the next day. The activity itself isn't the point. The point is that you're intentionally creating a life where alcohol is no longer the centerpiece. People ask me all the time, "What should I be doing if I'm not struggling?" This. This is what you should be doing. Not because you're hanging on by a thread, because you're finally stable enough to ask a different question, "Who do I want to become?" Because staying sober isn't about spending the rest of your life trying not to drink. It's about creating a life where drinking simply doesn't fit the person you're becoming anymore. And I don't want to pretend it's always fun. This part is awkward. It's clumsy. Sometimes it's lonely. Sometimes you'll try something and think, "Well, fuck, that wasn't for me." Sometimes you'll go to a class and feel completely out of place. Sometimes you'll realize the people you've always spent time with aren't interested in the same things you are anymore. That's not because sobriety is making your life smaller. It's because you're learning to live in a completely different way. And beginners are supposed to feel like beginners. Nobody expects to step up to the plate for the first time and hit a home run. So don't expect yourself to be an expert at living sober the first time you try it either. Give yourself permission to experiment. Be uncomfortable. Be bad at new things. Discover what actually fits you. Because that's how you build a new life. And again, I think we've actually taught people to measure the wrong thing. Celebrating times, 60 days, 90 days, one year, five years. Every sober day matters. But those are sobriety milestones. They're measuring how much time has passed. Recovery is measuring something different. Recovery measures transformation. Recovery asks, "Who are you becoming?" Because honestly, I know people with 10 years sober who are still miserable, still resentful, still emotionally reactive, still using food, shopping, work, relationships, or anything else to escape themselves. And I know people with six months sober whose entire life has changed. Because recovery isn't measured by a calendar. It's measured by growth. So maybe it's time to start celebrating some different milestones. Maybe you're celebrating the first time you had a panic attack and didn't drink. The first wedding you attended, sober. The first vacation where alcohol wasn't the center of every day. The first terrible day at work that you survived without pouring a glass of wine. The first time you reached out to someone instead of pretending you had everything under control. The first boundary you set, the first difficult conversation you didn't avoid. The first holiday you genuinely enjoyed sober. The first time you realized, "Wow, I don't actually need alcohol to get through this." Those are recovery milestones. Those are the moments your identity starts changing. Because every one of those experiences teaches your brain something new. It teaches your nervous system. There's another way. And that's what starts making sobriety sustainable. So if you've been sitting there wondering, "Why do I always end up drinking again?" Maybe it's because you've been measuring success by the question, "How many days have I been sober?" Instead of asking the question, "What kind of person am I becoming?" Because the number of days matters, but the life you're building during those days matters even more. If you've been sober for 90 days, I want you to ask yourself something. Besides not drinking, what's actually different? How do you spend your weekends differently? How do you handle stress differently? Who do you spend time with differently? What have you learned about yourself? What habits have you built? What conversations have you finally had? What boundaries have you finally set? Because if your answer is like honestly nothing much has changed, then you don't need to become better at quitting. You need to start becoming intentional about building. If this episode resonated with you, I want you to remember one thing. Every period of sobriety you've ever had counts. None of it was wasted. Every one of those attempts proved something important. They proved that you can live your life without alcohol. They proved that you can survive. Go to work, show up for your family, get through the day. That's valuable information. So stop looking at those stretches of sobriety as evidence that you failed and start looking at them as evidence that you're ready for the next phase. Because staying sober isn't about getting better at not drinking. It's about becoming better at living. It's making the transition from removing alcohol to intentionally creating a life that doesn't revolve around it. And that life won't magically appear because you put together a few sober months. You have to build it. One habit, one boundary, one friendship, one new experience, one uncomfortable first step at a time. It won't be perfect. It won't always feel natural and it definitely will not be graceful. Right? But that's okay. Nothing is wrong just because it feels awkward. You're growing because you're doing something you've never done before. So if you're in one of those stretches right now, you're feeling good, you're not craving and you're wondering what you're supposed to be doing next, spend your energy building a life that supports sobriety. That's the transition. That's the missing piece. And I truly believe it's the difference between someone who keeps starting over and someone who finally finds the freedom they've been searching for. So if you're thinking, this is exactly where I get stuck. Then maybe it's time for a different conversation. This is the work I do with my clients every day. Not helping people whitenuckle another 30 days, not helping people quit one more time, but helping them make this transition from simply not drinking to intentionally building a life that supports long term sobriety. If you've already proven you can quit, but you can't seem to figure out why you always end up back at day one, I'd love to help you bridge that gap. You can book a call with me at addictionalimit.com/call. We'll talk about where you are, what's been keeping you stuck, and whether working together is the right fit. And I have a few options to fit different circumstances. So just know we can figure it out. If you're ready to figure it out, we can figure it out. Addictionalimit.com/call. You'll answer a few quick questions for me, then schedule whatever day and time works for you. I hope you're having a fantastic day and I will see you next week. You've reached the end of another great episode of the Addiction Unlimited podcast, Candid and Honest Conversation about Addiction and Recovery. Be sure to visit us at addictiononlimited.com to join the conversation and access show notes and links to everything we talked about. Love this episode? Please take 30 seconds to subscribe, rate and review on iTunes to help us improve and give you the information you want. Thanks for listening. See you next week. [Music]