Why You Feel Behind in Life (And How to Trust Your Timing)

Welcome back to another episode of the Self Work Podcast. In today's episode, we're going to be having a very uncomfortable conversation. We're going to be unpacking the feeling that most of you guys carry silently. You know that quiet panic, that voice in your head that tells you, "I'm behind, I should be further by now." Everyone else around me seems to be having it figured out what is wrong with me. And this is probably one of the deepest insecurities of our generation, which is why I've developed this new rule that only gets to follow. When you meet someone for the first time, don't ask them what they do. Because in this generation, we are officially moving away from identifying as what we do. And I actually posted a story across all of my social media platforms, and I asked you guys the question of why do you feel like you are behind. And I'm going to share some of the responses with you guys. So, most people said social media, comparison. Some of you guys said the glamorous fake lifestyle that is portrayed on social media by those in their 20s. Someone said, "I'm working a good job making good money, but it still doesn't feel like it is enough." A lot of people said marriage, funnily enough. And I definitely see where that is coming from. The fact that at a certain age, you should have achieved certain things. Fantastic. This is something that we're definitely going to be talking about. But I think the one that stood out to me the most, which I'm going to share with you guys, is someone commented, "Seen other people succeed who you are once on the same boat with whilst you are stuck in the same place." And the reason why that stood out to me is a lot of people think that your feeling of being behind comes primarily from social media or comparing yourself to people on the internet. There's definitely a contribution factor there. But it intensifies when people around you that are closest to you are starting to eclipse you. People in their 20s experience this. Especially when you go from 20 to 25, you start noticing that some of your friends are getting good jobs. Some of your friends are married, or they are getting married. Some of your friends are abroad doing crazy things. And then there's you. You're the one that feels like you're not doing enough. You feel like you're still working a regular job trying to figure your stuff out. But I can promise you this episode will really get your head right. Because if you take in what it is I'm about to say, not only will it get your head right, it will actually allow you to move freely in this world. So that is what we're going to break down in today's episode. First thing I want to mention is this concept of the perfect timeline. We all grew up with an invisible checklist and I literally mean invisible. Graduated by 21, dream job by 23, married by 25 or 27. You have to have a house by 30. And it was so close like it was a universal blueprint. And I don't think you guys have ever sat down and thought to yourself, who the hell came up with this? You know, people tell you follow these steps and you'll be successful. Follow these steps and you'll be happy. But here's the truth and here's the harsh reality. That timeline is outdated. And more importantly, it was never real to begin with. I actually realized this when I dropped out of university because if you really think about that, I went against the perfect timeline. I got good GCSEs or I did one in high school, I did one in college, I went to university and after a span in the works, I decided to drop out. I want to recommend. But nevertheless, I did it. So that means according to the timeline, I am behind. And what used to really bother me was, you know, I would see my friends at university and then when it came to graduating, they were all happy. They were like, you are graduated with the first class. And then there was me trying to figure stuff out. But when you guys to understand that that perfect timeline doesn't exist and it was built for a world with less chaos, less choice, more structure. If you really think about it, look at our parents time and their parents. A world where careers were very linear, you know, you're just going to a job, you get promoted, you keep getting promoted until you reach the ceiling. Marriage was the default. They didn't even think twice about marriage back in the days. It was such a society to normal. You know, as soon as you're 21, just get married. And comparison didn't live in our pockets 24/7. Nowadays, we have access to so many people. We have access to so many people's lives. You know, people show us everything, all kinds of things on the internet. But only to understand that that's not the world we live in anymore. And yet, we're still using that checklist to measure ourselves in a completely different era. No wonder you feel lost because I learned that this timeline concept is so fake to start with. Why the hell am I following someone else's man-made timeline? You know, who the hell said that you have to have your dream job by 23? Some of your favorite celebrities got their first breakthroughs at 40 years old, at 35 years old. Who the hell said that you have to be married by 25? I'm a spiritual person, so I believe you get married when it is written for you, when God plans. If that means you get married at 40 years old, so be it. Right? So the next thing with this that I want to discuss is the social media effect. Because now if you add social media, I want you to become aware of this concept called mental scoreboard. Because anytime you scroll, you keep a mental scoreboard. For example, someone on the internet starts a business, you keep a mental scoreboard. Oh, someone in my age is starting a business. Anytime you see someone in your age group buying a house, you keep a mental scoreboard, you keep a mental note. Anytime someone you know in your age range, getting married, you keep a mental note. Anytime someone posts that they are traveling to Thailand or Bali or Australia or America, you keep a mental note. And then there's you trying to get through Monday morning. And the thing about this is your life could have been so normal five minutes ago. And now you feel like a failure. But here's what you're doing. And this is something I want you guys to understand because I learned these two years ago. And it would be a real shame if I don't share it. You are comparing your internal chaos to someone else's highlight reel. Let me repeat what I just said. You don't see people's stresses. You don't see their debt. You don't see their loneliness. You don't see whatever's going on behind the scenes. You only see a snapshot and you use it to judge your entire story. And that's not fair because of course you're going to feel like you're losing if you're only seeing people winning on the internet. But you don't know what's going on behind the scenes. And even though I do believe that comparing yourself is normal, everyone does it. But once you start living in that comparison for too long, that's where it gets dangerous. Because social media is a literal snapshot. Even when you look at relationship videos, I absolutely despise relationship content, marriage content, male and female dynamics. Why? Because people know that these ideas spread very fast and quickly. If I post a video of me and my wife having an aesthetic morning, we read to each other, we hug each other, we kiss each other, and then I'm posting on the internet. And then there's you sat there lonely in your room, you know, the person that you're talking to hasn't texted you back for six hours and you're thinking, damn, what is wrong with me? Again, that's a snapshot. You don't know. And I've genuinely seen this in people's lives where they would get a camera. They would start recording, explaining how amazing this place and this restaurant was and how amazing this place that they've traveled to is. And as soon as the camera turns off, it is as if all the enthusiasm has gone. So there's a certain level of pretentiousness with social media that I want you guys to be aware of, right? And with this now with the timeline and social media, there's a certain timeline anxiety that shows up and it isn't loud at all, by the way, it is totally subtle. Because once you subscribe to these timelines and what social media sells to you, you stop celebrating your wins because they don't count. If let's say, for example, you are 28 years old and you landed your first corporate job, but you were in prison a few years ago, your life was completely derailed and you got yourself back on your feet. But then at the same time, your on social media scrolling and you're seeing a 26 year old talking about how he's made a 100K last month and how he's married. He's got a kid. Now all of a sudden, what was meant to be a celebratory moment has now become a very sour moment where you're thinking to yourself that doesn't even count. And the next thing is you start rushing through your milestones just to keep up. You don't celebrate anything. You don't even process what it is that you've done. And this is why the hustle culture really seeps into this where they've kind of propagated this idea that you have to always be on go, go, go, go, you know, you have to always be doing things. You have to always be pushing forward. And the last thing, which is definitely a triggering thing to most of you guys, a lot of you guys stop trying new things because it is too late. The amount of times I've heard this, oh, there's no point in switching a career. I'm 30 years old. Based on whose timeline, you know, are I don't think there's any hope for me to get married. I'm 33 years old based on whose timeline. And if you've just gone through a setback, it's even harder because when you've gone through a setback, you already have a lot of traumas and limiting beliefs, a breakup, a career pose, a failed attempt. Suddenly, it is not failure. It actually becomes confirmation that you're falling behind. And I hope you guys are processing everything that I'm talking about because these are the things that I've been journaling for the last few years. You know, when you start subscribing to perfect timelines and the societal norms, fake societal norms, and now you've gone through a setback. As I said, someone that has gone to prison is already behind. They've been setback. And the reason why it's harder, as I said, it always confirms that you're falling behind. Oh, you're not doing enough. I only need to pause and actually ask yourself this question in a very sincere honest way. Are you comparing? in results or backstories, right? Because this is very important to understand. That person you envy or the person that you look at or the person's content you watch all the time. Maybe they never had to rebuild from scratch. Maybe they didn't spend years surviving traumas. Maybe they had support you never got. As I said, you're comparing your backstories or your behind the scenes to someone's snapshot. Because if your starting point was chaos or pain, you're not behind. And I feel like now I'm getting very poetic. I need to calm down a bit. Sometimes when I hit flow state, I do tend to become a bit poetic. Because the point I just made is very powerful. If your starting point was chaos or pain, you're not behind your breath. You've just been walking a longer road. And I've walked a long road. Some of you guys may have walked a longer road, but inevitably you're going to reach that destination. Some people unfortunately, or fortunately, I should say, have never struggled. They've never gone through any hardship. They've never had to deal with any traumas or growing up in households where your parents are emotionally absent, or they've never gone through real situations where your parents are so broke that you, as the child, have to work multiple jobs. As I said, if your starting point was chaos or pain, you're not behind your breath. And I want you to start understanding this because once you stop celebrating your wins, once you start feeling like you're too behind, there's no point starting something that is where the losing battle comes from. But now if you're wondering, where does this feeling behind come from? This timeline anxiety, as I call it, isn't necessarily about time. It's about validation, right? Because one thing that I noticed, especially when I dropped out and I had the chip on my shoulder, and I always felt like I was behind, I had this fear of not being taken serious, or being left out or being misunderstood. That voice in your head that tells you, if I don't get my stuff together soon, no respect me. If I'm not impressive, I'm not enough. You kind of have like a chip on your shoulder, you have to feel like you're always proving things. So then what do you do? And this is a perfect example of my life. Only recently I've healed by the way, which is why I've released a self-work community and a self-work podcast. But what I used to do was, I used to chase milestones so I can silence that voice in my head that told me, I can't do anything. I tried to outrun my shame and my, my need to constantly shrink myself with achievements. I literally had to chase achievements, get my body in shape, make money, start doing things that go completely against the grain to outrun my shame. But the thing about this is, and the reason why I'm pausing and I'm really reflecting through what it is that I'm saying is, no external milestone can fix an internal wound, which is why I am always advocating for contentment. You can never heal any of your insecurities with status and power. You can't really fix your own self-worth by ticking boxes that were never yours to begin with. As I said, the timeline concept. And for me, I noticed that I had a chip on my shoulder and I always had to prove things to people and people always used to tell me, yeah, you've got these amount of potential, but and then that a butt would follow something, very negative. And this is where your internal confidence changed everything because the more confident you become, the less other people's lives shake you. And this is the position I am in, which is what I said, it will definitely be a shame if I don't share this with you guys. Because when your insecure, everything makes you doubt yourself. But then when you've done the internal work, or should I say the self work, you can see someone else's win and not feel like you're losing. And this is the position I'm in. I can literally look at someone else winning and I can be so happy for them and still feel like I'm doing what I need to do because I live a motto on timeline. I love you guys don't. And that's why sometimes when you're chasing successes, when you're chasing things that are not necessarily meant for you. As I said, like, you know this whole idea and this pressure on young people showed us to get married. I'm not somebody that advocates against marriage, by the way. Do not quote me on that. However, like I see guys stressing about getting married at 22 years old. But if you're someone that's overweight, someone that has to deal with trauma, someone that's not in a good career, someone that's not doing the right things, your priorities are all over the place. And do you ever ask yourself the question where you tell yourself, are these thoughts original to me or did I just copy it from someone else? Is this something I really want or am I trying to conform with these societal norms? Because as I said, when you're insecure, everything makes you doubt yourself. But when you've done the internal work, you can literally look at someone else's win, be happy for them and not feel like you're losing. Because ultimately, if you don't do this self work, it actually warps your identity, damages your identity. And this is when things get really dangerous because I remember even with myself, when I used to feel like I was behind and I always used to negatively judge myself, I didn't use to think, oh, I'm late. I just need to catch up. I started believing things like, I'm broken, I've missed my shot. Maybe I'm not built for this. Maybe I'm not cut out for this. And that's where people get stuck. As I said, it's not because you're lazy or lost, it's because you've internalized someone else's timeline and you forgot your own. If you actually look at real people's life stories, actual real people, I don't have any names of the top of my head. I think one that I read literally two hours ago was Samuel L. Jackson, the actor, only got his first breakthrough at 45 years old. How many of you guys can wait till 45 years old? And still enjoy life, still enjoy the process, still do what needs to be done, building towards the inevitability that something's gonna work out for you. And there's this analogy that I've written down that I wanted to share with you guys, which is, if I were to give you an image, and I wanted to think about this, if someone loses their ability to walk and then they regain an inch of movement, we call that a miracle. We never compare them to a marathon runner, but emotionally to ourselves, we do that all the time. You finally left the toxic person, you rebuilt your confidence after trauma, you showed up today even though you wanted to give up. That is your miracle. Don't dismiss it just because it doesn't get an applause. And that analogy really helps me think a lot because as I said, if somebody loses their entire ability to walk and they regain one inch of movement, we literally clap and applaud and we say that is an absolute miracle. But if you've had crazy setbacks in your life, you've left the traumatic person, you've left a horrible marriage that completely damaged your confidence. You rebuilt your confidence after trauma, you showed up today even though everything wanted you to not do that thing. That's your miracle. That is your thing. And don't dismiss it, as I said, just because people are not clapping for it, because that's the issue. When you've woked your identity and you've really subscribed to this idea that you're broken, there's something wrong with you. I'm not cow for this. What is wrong with me? Why am I doing this? You now end up in a real dangerous situation where you become stagnant. And that issue is something that has deepened a lot of people's insecurities in the whole social media realm. So to kind of go through some ways as to how you can deal with this, which is what I call the self-work part of this episode, especially when it comes to reclaiming your pace. I want you to actually stop panicking and start trusting your path again. Right? First thing I want all of you guys to do, indefinitely, is to name the current pressure that you're feeling. Whose timeline are you following? Are you following your parents? Are you following your culture? Is it your ethnic culture? Is it Instagram? I want you to be honest about where you get your expectations and your head from and where they actually serve you, because once you start thinking about this, you can actually name and shame it. Because if you don't know whose timeline you're following, you don't know even it, you might even think it comes from you, right? Sometimes as I said, some ethnic backgrounds, there want kids to be married at a young age, there want kids who financially secure at a young age and all of these things put you on someone else's timeline. Second thing, I'm a massive advocate for this is Zoom the Hell out. You know, your 20s are not your final drafts. They are literal rough sketch. If you were to live, for example, for 60 years, you were probably going to die at 60 to 70 years old. If you spend your 20s to your 30s, or even if even if you're in your 30s, as I said, don't subscribe to anyone else's timeline. But I want you to just zoom out and understand that the master confusion, the wrong turns, all the mistakes I've made plenty, by the way. Some of them I cannot disclose, but I've made a lot of mistakes, a lot of bad decisions, but nowhere or at any point did I feel like I was behind because of these things. But only hindsight can tell me this, because in those moments, I did feel like I was behind, but I've always had this relentless mindset of pushing through irrespective. So I want you to just zoom out. Stop thinking that your 20s have to be perfect and you know, I can't make any mistakes. In my opinion, your 20s should be the time where you spend most of your energy literally building, burning, failing, getting back up, doing all the things that need to be done in order for you to just get ahead. And as I said, if you feel like you're behind, ask yourself which timeline are you subscribing to. And the third one is redefine your progress. This is something I always tell people, reframe things. For some people, progress is getting married. For you, it may be to start trusting people again. For you, it may be starting to get a job again, you know, getting back into the job. market for you, it may be learning how to walk again, redefine what your progress is based on where your life currently is. For some of you guys, it may be setting boundaries showing up consistently, whatever it may be, I want you to stick to that redefined progress of yours. The fourth thing is very important, by the way, I've actually got this written down, which is check in with your season. I talk about seasons a lot. Are you in your building season, your resting season, your healing season, each one of these is necessary, because if you've had a massive setback, let's say you've had a death in your family, let's say something really emotional has happened in your life, you might be in your healing season. If you're somebody that's currently building towards something, you may be in your building season. If you're somebody that has literally built, you've done what needed to be done, and you know, you need a bit of rest, you may be in your resting season. I want you to honor the phase that you're in instead of forcing yourself into someone else's. As I said, if you constantly look left and right, at least be aware of where you're getting these ideas from, because if you subscribe to someone else's timeline, you're going to always feel like you're behind and you're never ever going to value what it is that you're doing. The next thing, celebrate small wins. I'm a massive advocate on celebrating small wins. I celebrate all of my small wins. If I sit down today and I record an episode of this podcast, I pat myself on the back because as I said, I'm not thinking about getting hundreds of thousands of subscribers. I'm not thinking about getting a million plays. I'm just thinking about turning up, you know, the inch of progress you made today might be someone else's miracle, never ever downplay your growth. Just because it doesn't come with a prose or even a flipping linked in post doesn't mean it's not worth celebrating. And the next thing which someone told me is, right, expand your timeline. You can find a career at 40 years old. You can literally pivot into a new career at 35 years old. You can get married at 45 years old. Clarity, you may actually lock in at 60 years old. And I'm not saying that in a way where you waste the next few years of your life, but you're not you're not late. All the way to understand is you're not late. You're a layered human being and your life isn't on a deadline. And for me, I keep telling you guys this throughout all of my videos, all of my posts, I couldn't care less when I quote and quote make it. As long as I'm living life in a very intentional way and I am pushing forward and I understand that you know what my inputs lead to my outputs, I'm just going to keep pushing forward. If God wills for me to become a multi millionaire in the next few years, so be it. If God wills for me to be my healthiest, most mobile version in my mid 30s, so be it. But I don't subscribe to anyone else's timeline. And I hope you're starting to understand the theme of subscribing to people's timelines. And the next one is I would really advise you guys to get inspired by real people's lives as I mentioned earlier, right? Samuel Jackson, L Jackson broke into the movie industry or had his big breakthrough at 45 years old. Don't let early success fool you. Late blooms are everywhere, but late blooms do not get as much media coverage as a 20 year old would in this day and age. And I say this to all of my students or all of my community members, which is if God revealed to you that you would make it at 35 years old or 40 years old. And I'm talking about your definition of making it. It could be being the healthiest version, most knowledgeable version, having a family. It could be 100 millions of dollars, right? If you knew, certainly that you would make it at that age, you would never ever subscribe to anyone else's timeline. You would have laser focus. But in a world full of uncertainty, I can imagine how hard it is, which is why you need to start collecting small wins, always be aware of what the bigger picture is. And the last thing is you need to always ask yourself what is right for me right now. And for me, I always ask myself this question. You need to learn to let go of what should be and lean or anchor into what is. Because when you stop chasing the perfect plan or the perfect timeline and start responding to your current needs or your current wants, your actual internal peace returns. So if you're right now in a situation where you don't have a job, what is right for you right now is to get a job. You shouldn't be thinking about having hundreds of thousands of dollars sitting in the bank because you're going to now start comparing yourself subscribing to someone else's timeline. And all of a sudden you're going to feel very anxious and overwhelmed every single day. So the overall point I'm making is, and the reason why I've made this episode slightly shorter than the other ones is I want it to be very snappy. I want it to really get across to you, you know, marinate in your mind. So you understand that subscribing to someone else's timeline is quite literally destroying your life and it takes away the joy out of living. Most young people have deep, deep, deep insecurities, not because they're not, they don't even want to have their own journey. But because they have subscribed to so many different timelines, they listen to so many different people giving them advice, telling them how to live their life that they have silence their own internal voice. So to wrap up this episode, I want you to understand that you are not behind. You're just on a different route. And sometimes the route that you're on, if it hasn't been trotted down before, nobody has walked down it, isn't meant to be one that you compare. And I want you to also acknowledge that the things you've gone through matter, the work you're doing quietly, quietly counts. And the future that you're building is still alive. It is possible. And it isn't possible if you subscribe to other people's timelines. So if you're currently feeling behind, whether you're in your 20s, late teens, 30s, I don't need to rush, I don't need to panic. I don't need to shame yourself for the shape that your life has taken. Trust timing. Because if you are a spiritual person, you would understand that God's timing is the best timing. You've got more time than you think. Just make sure you're laying your cards right. Make sure that you're always optimizing your inputs. Because that is what leads to the outputs. And lastly, if that voice ever comes back, that one voice that tells you, I'm behind, remind yourself of one thing. And this is my one of my philosophies. Confidence doesn't come from being ahead. It comes from knowing why you are walking the path that you are on. And I hope you guys enjoyed this. This is episode six of the self work podcast. I hope you guys deeply reflected on what it is that I've spoken to you guys about today. And I'll see you guys in the next episode.