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Speaker 3Hello and welcome to The How. The How. Not to screw up your kid's podcast, the bucket-emptying episodes. I'm your host, Dr. Mary Han, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today, I want to share a listener question about a subject that I think we are all familiar with to some extent. And this is when our children refuse to comply. They refuse to do what we've asked them. And that refusal could be an absolute, 100% obvious heel-digging, or it might just simply be that they're not complying because we're asking them multiple times to do something and then they just simply don't do what we want them to do. Now, I would start by saying that it's really important as parents that the process of setting and seeing through healthy boundaries for our children should not result in us feeling guilty or shying away from reinforcing them, because boundaries are actually the kindest and the most compassionate thing we can do for our children as it builds a sense of safety. It builds a sense of predictability. It helps them understand what's expected of them and what the consequences of that might be, which actually is a really reassuring space to be. However, of course, they are going to constantly test those boundaries. So, what I would like to do in this episode is really try and tackle, I'm going to do it in two parts. So, this episode is looking specifically at what might be the underlying causes of non-compliance. Why might they not be complying? Because whatever happens, if we deal with it in the moment, we still need to really understand what's going on behind it so that we can put strategies and scaffold any skills gap. So, this episode is going to deal with why it might be happening and then tune into that. So, the next episode, which we'll look at specifically, what do I do in the moment, Mary-Han? Yes, okay, I don't understand why and what I might need to do playing the long game, but what do I do in the moment? So, this one is all about why is it happening in the first place? So, what I want to talk about is I'm going to share five strategies here, which you can see why we've had to split it because the bucket emptying episodes are meant to be shorter, is that when we're looking at what's the underlying thing that's driving non-compliance, we want to, this is all about trying to get under the hood, so to speak, rather than focusing in on the defiance or the non-compliance. At that time, what we're really trying to do is understand what might be driving it. So, these are some, it's not an exhaustive list, but these are some things which might be driving it and some things that you might want to consider and put in place to make compliance a little bit easier to happen. So, the first thing I would say is that when we're looking at non-compliance, is to remember that everyone, children included, want to feel that they have a sense of agency and autonomy and can act on their lives. So, could it be that your child is testing boundaries because they're trying to exert some sense of autonomy over their life? Now, how might we know if this is the case? So, these are just some prompts and some questions that I would encourage you to reflect on and maybe do a little bit of an analysis. So, how often does your child get to choose what they do? Do they get that a lot, only a little bit, hardly ever? Do they get a chance to choose what they do and when they get to do it? Do they get free time? How much free time do they get where they are able to do exactly what they want to do? So, when we're talking about free time, this is in a space that they want to be with all the resources available, available for them to do it. Free time is not necessarily the youngest is having to go and watch the eldest do their swimming lessons. So, they do have free time because we bring some toys with them. But to your child, that doesn't feel like free time potentially because it is being attached to an activity that their older sibling is doing and they're not in a space and place where they've got free choice of what they do. So, those are some of the things that we want to look at. We also, within this, in terms of autonomy and agency, I would also ask you to look at the number of instructions they are asked to follow. Yeah, again, not specific numbers, but generally, do you find yourself giving them a whole load of instructions? I'm really guilty at this and I'll tell you why. It's because I, as an individual, tend to think out loud. So, I don't know if this resonates with any of you. So, often, you know, my children are older now, but even my husband will think that I'm giving him an instruction. I just literally, I'm talking out loud to myself all of the things that I need to do. So, it could be that you are like me and you're sort of going through what needs to be done. But it could also be that, like me, also, when my children were younger, is that I would bombard them with instructions, but the instructions really weren't for them. They were just a reinforcement for me that I had done a certain thing or I'd confirmed that we were going to go out at a certain time and that they needed to know. So, just maybe have a think about, you know, am I constantly giving my children a whole load of instructions that they're asked to follow? Also, think about the number of trips and errands that your child finds themselves needing to do to accompany you or a sibling. Because these all count up in a child's world and may be reasonable when we consider this, when we consider the order of all of those things, when we think of them together, as to why our child might suddenly decide that they're not going to bend, to get into their car seat or in the pushchair, or they're refusing to put their shoes on, because suddenly it's just like, do you know what? I'm absolutely fed up. All day you've been telling me what to do and this is my one chance to exert a certain element of no. You know, our children don't necessarily even do that at a conscious level. But I do think that that can be a huge driver of why we tend to see non-compliance. So, that one's a really good one to just reflect on and to consider and do a little bit of an, an internal audit with those questions. Number two, and this is, this is not a cop-out, but genuinely our children go through, as they navigate their development, they will go through different ages and stages and with every age and stage of their development, they will begin to test boundaries again. You might suddenly be like, well, why is Freddie suddenly, constantly, he won't do anything that we ask him, he's constantly no and digging his heels in. And then when you sit back and you think, he has been eating a lot and gosh, I've really noticed a big growth spurt. And he seems to be able to do a whole host of these new tasks. So, it could be that there is an age and stage that they are going. So, and that is just generally their test. How far can I push? You know, whilst it's frustrating for us, it is a natural developmental cycle. As our children learn, they will regularly just test, push a little bit back on those lanes. How far can I push it? What's acceptable? Not acceptable. And so, when we are consistent in our application, when we're compassionate in our application, when we explain why requests are being made, when it's appropriate, when we give them advance notice, then what we tend to do is that we'll get these periodical testing of boundaries, but they spring back much more in terms of compliance. So, it could be an age and stage. It could be that they're lacking in some form of, basic needs. Now, of course, the two obvious basic needs are they're hungry, right? or they're tired. But I also think what I would sort of add to that is that there are basic needs about emotional overwhelm. So the bucket emptying episodes are called bucket emptying for a reason. We all have a bucket, our bucket fills, we don't usually notice that the bucket is full until that last drop goes in. And then we get overwhelmed, emotional overwhelm. And of course, not everybody shows emotional overwhelm in the same way. Not everyone will get frustrated, not everyone will cry, some people get angry, some people dig their heels, some refuse to comply. So when we're talking about basic needs, it isn't just a basic need when it comes to hunger, and when it comes to thirst, and when it comes to sleep. But that emotional piece, and that ability to communicate needs is also a basic need. And of course, what we're doing as we're going through these is once we identify, oh, gosh, you know, I need to ensure I'm getting non compliance really often when my child is tired. Okay, so that doesn't then become a cop out. But then we have a real understanding of why it's happening. So we then look at the skills gap. So how can we instead of sort of like, give me a technique where I get my child to insist to do what I asked them to do. I've got a different challenge, actually, here, I'll get compliance if I manage the sleep. So you're looking at a skills gap around sleep, it could be that a child is taking a long time to fall asleep, or they're not napping, when they should have a nap during the day. So it just becomes different. And so instead of us going head on and having this sort of head banging, constant loggerheads situation on a skill that is fundamentally not about not doing what we asked them, but simply about something else. And it could be again, that if it's that they're experiencing this bucket overflowing overwhelm, the skills gap, the focus, therefore, is not on a, how do I get my child to be more compliant? But how can I help my child understand what fills their bucket and empty it in a quick and efficient way, so that when they're then asked to do a particular task, they've got capacity to be able to do that. And now we're going to take a quick pause for a word from our sponsors.
Speaker 1Thank you so much for joining us. We'll see you next time.
Speaker 3a five-year-old won't understand that in 10 minutes, minutes time or half an hour's time that they need to put their shoes on because we're going to go to the supermarket. That concept of time isn't with them yet. And it may well be you might have a 15 year old where the concept of time isn't there. So instead, it's about communicating it in a way that your child is going to be able to access that time aspect. So you'll be able to play that game two more times. And then we'll need to be putting our shoes on because remember, we're going to the supermarket, for example. So it's just trying to give them those small, gentle prompts. And what I would say with a gentle reminders is they should be more often than not that we will explain that that's what we're going to do. And then what we want our child to do is to paraphrase back. So remind me, Jack, how many more games have you got before you've got to put on your shoes? Because what then happens is, and we'll look at this when we look about how to manage it in the moment, is that sometimes we're going to be putting our shoes on because we're going to sometimes our children are non-compliant because we've made the request and their attention has been elsewhere. So what looks like absolute non-compliance on our part is simply a child who hasn't switched out of I'm thinking and so supremely laser focused on this thing that I'm doing, which I'm loving, to pausing and then listening. And so that then exacerbates the impact of that on the child. And so that's what I would say with a gentle reminders is to be as little from us and more coming back from our children because children fundamentally are much more likely to do what they say than what we say. So getting them to paraphrase back, getting them to say what's being requested of them is a really powerful tool when it comes to our children being more compliant. So I hope that that helps you at least give a bit of a sense of a framework for you to consider. That's interesting. I wonder why. My child might not be complying and certainly asking that question around capabilities I think is a really big one because we just shift what feels instinctively like a perfectly reasonable request to much more. I wonder if that is actually really reasonable because, you know, children doing what we ask them to do requires them to be motivated. And sometimes we're not motivated to do things that we really know we should do. Things that we know that there are real big consequences. And so I think that's a really big one. Consequences, negative consequences for us if we don't. And yet it so often happens that we don't and it's no different for our children. So I hope that that has been super helpful and is something that you can tangibly work with. And as ever, if you enjoy the podcast, please do share this episode because I know noncompliance is a big challenge that we all face with our children at every age and stage of development. And someone you know may be very, very, very grateful and thankful that you have shared this resource so you can help them through a particularly challenging time. So that would be super helpful. And I'm grateful and thankful to you for doing that. And of course, if you do love the podcast and you haven't yet done so, then if you could just take a few moments to rate the podcast out of five and write a small, short sentence or statement of a review, you help other parents, other educators and other people who want to make a impact on children's lives, find us so that we can spread the love. So until next time.
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