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Speaker 4I want to start this episode with a paradox that a lot of people experience, but a lot of people don't talk about. It's sometimes the moment starts, life starts improving. So things start to get good in recovery and we start to get things back. Our relationships start to come back. Our family starts to come back. Something inside of us begins resisting it. I want to, why do we do that? I have experience with this too, where it's like I need to blow it all up and it's maybe subconscious, but nonetheless it exists. Some examples of this. So recovery starts going well and then we start in lease. Start skipping meetings. Like I've got this thing. I feel better. Things are going well. I don't need you guys anymore. A healthy relationship appears and then we start pushing the person away, right? We start, we're getting friends in recovery and then they're asking us how we're doing and we don't get honest with them. We don't call them when they tell us to call them. What is this about? Why do we do this? Career opportunities show up and then we're procrastinating. We're avoiding it. We're living in fear and we're letting fear drive the bus. So today I want to ask you, why do we sometimes destroy the things we've worked so hard, to build like a house of cards? We just tear it all down. Why do we do that? Self-sabotage is often misunderstood as laziness or lack of discipline. In my opinion, it's fear. In reality, it's often comes, it often comes from deeper emotional patterns. So it's usually driven by fear. Everything you want in life, everything is on the other side of fear. It's on the other side of being a beginner, of sucking at something. Mike Tyson's a good example of this. When he first started boxing, he got his ass, he got his ass fucking kicked all the time. Being a beginner, this beginner mindset is so important. So today's episode, I'm Anthony, I'm an alcoholic and an addict. Welcome to Recovering Out Loud. Today's episode is about why people sometimes sabotage progress when life finally begins improving. The major themes I'm going to explore today are familiar chaos versus unfamiliar stability, identity conflicts when life begins changing, fear of success and expectations. That's a good one. Fear of vulnerability, shame and feeling undeserving, nervous system conditioning, and habit loops and behavioral patterns. So let's get into it. Self-sabotage often comes from patterns that once helped us survive, but later hold us back. So the first time I can think of when I recognized self-sabotage in my own life is when I came back in between my second and third rehab. And I was getting married, things were going well. I finally, I went to a sober house, but I wasn't really focused on recovery. I wasn't really, I didn't put recovery as my top priority. I was putting my wedding as my top priority. And I was so, I just wanted to come off as a guy that was sober and had it all together. And I was fixed and I was better. And I'm going to, I'm going to regain control. I'm going to build my life back up and get everything I had that I lost or thought I lost. Things were going well in my life. And I just remember being bored. I felt bored, which I know now boredom is fear. Fear of all, is this my life now? Is this it? Am I ever going to experience joy ever again? And I was stuck in that pattern, that habit, that thought loop. I remember vividly thinking to myself, I'm going to go back on ADHD medication. This will improve my boredom. I'm going to get happy again. And I was, again, searching for outside things to change my insides. I wasn't happy with the moment I was currently in. And that's why in early recovery, it's so important just to push through those moments of boredom or, I keep saying boredom, but it's just when things are okay, there's not anything exciting going on. There's not anything tragic going on. It's just, things are okay. So when I went back on that ADHD medication, of course I couldn't take it as prescribed. And then I started buying it again on the dark web and things started to fall apart slowly, but surely. And I was back to alcohol and drugs in no time. So I want to ask you, have you ever noticed yourself pulling back just when things started getting better? You're all out in the beginning, you're going to meetings, you're doing, you're working the steps, whatever your program is, you're connected to this community, this power greater than yourself. You're, you're doing all the suggestions, and then you start to feel good and you're on this pink cloud. Like they call it the pink cloud of recovery, where I'm feeling great. I'm not in addiction anymore. Life is great. And then we start to pull back. Think about that. Was there a time maybe you're going through it now. So let's get into it. Familiar chaos versus unfamiliar stability. The brain adapts to environments. So if someone spent years in chaos and addiction, addiction cycle, that picking up that regret, that shame pondering that I'm never going to, we're going to do it again. And then you pick up that cycle that we all know too. Well, that chaos becomes emotional, familiar, emotionally familiar. So it becomes comfortable. That is our baseline after a while. So calmness can initially feel uncomfortable. This, like I said, the state of everything is just okay. I'm on this sort of frontline trajectory. I'm just, I'm not really going up. I'm not really going down. Things are just okay. That is a scary, scary place to be in recovery. Some people unconsciously recreate chaos. So I, I need to rock the boat. I need to create chaos in my life because I don't like this feeling of just okay. It's uncomfortable to me. Some examples of this are reconnecting with unhealthy environments, impulsive decisions. So I'm going to buy a car. I'm going to buy this computer. I've been through this, right? I'm going to buy all these things to shake it up a bit, to create an excitement in my life. I'm going to hang out with old using friends or go to an old bar that I used to hang out at and just shake things up. A bit because I miss it. I miss the chaos and unnecessary conflict. So starting fights with people or disagreeing with things, or just, just starting conflict drama, talking shit about people. The key insight here is humans. Sometimes prefer predictable discomfort over unfamiliar peace. Oh, I'm going to read that again. Humans sometimes prefer predictable discomfort over unfamiliar peace. So if I know that I can shake things up a bit, I can create excitement in my life. That is, I'd prefer that over this uncomfortable, unfamiliar new sense of peace. So I want you to reflect on whether chaos once felt normal in your life. Was there ever a time where chaos just felt like normal? Your Tuesday night was somebody else's rock bottom, right? Your rock bottom was somebody else's Wednesday afternoon. And that just felt normal. Think about how calmness felt when it first appeared. Think about a time in your life when you just felt calm and peace and ease and comfort without alcohol and drugs. Did peace ever feel uncomfortable when you first experienced it? Think about that. Okay. So next identity identity conflicts, people build identities around their struggles. This is the ego I identify with. I'm building an identity. I am a drug addict. I am a nurse. I am a professor, whatever your identity is. We cling to these things. The ego wants to identify itself, label itself, some common internal labels that we make on ourselves. And I can relate to this. I'm the screw up. I'm the addict. I always ruin things. Well, I'm just, I'm the guy that always fucking burns things down. So I might as well keep going. No one expects anything else of me, anything less, anything more. When life improves the internal identity may not update immediately. So your brain is taking time to cultivate a new belief about yourself, a new identity. An example of this is someone succeeding in recovery, still internally feels broken. I am not this sober guy yet. I am not this guy that helps other people. I can't, I don't, I don't understand this. It's an identity conflict. Some possible reactions are rejecting opportunities. So good things start to come in my life. And I'm just, I'm afraid to take them. I'm saying, no, I don't want to do those things. Pulling back from progress, returning to old habits. So lying, cheating, this is a huge one is, is the opposite of integrity, doing the wrong thing when nobody's watching, do that, that feeling in your stomach that, you know, this is the wrong thing, but you're going to do it anyways because it's comfortable. It's familiar. It's an old habit. Sneaking cigarettes, lying about, you know, contributing to this double life, the stage character, hiding things, keeping secrets. The key insight here is self-sabotage can restore identity consistency. I identify with that old pattern of behavior. So that's why when I come into recovery, I need to unlearn these old behaviors, these old ideas. And I need to strip away the years or months or days of addiction, the patterns of behavior, the defects of character that I've caught, cultivated to protect myself. I need to tear them down, like, like peel the layers of the onion. So one way my identity was shaped by my past struggles, I would say is I was just the guy who relapsed for a while. Like I was the guy that just couldn't get back into recovery. I relapsed after seven and a half years. That was my identity. I identified with that fuck up, that guy that just couldn't come back to recovery. And that kept me sick for a long time. An identity that started changing for me. Actually, this is more recent and this goes back to beliefs. and limiting beliefs. This is a huge thing. limiting beliefs. We all have them. For a long time, I would tell myself and tell people that I was not a guy that did school. I was not a student. I was not good at school. Nothing good comes of that. I am building this identity that I can't do something. I'm limiting myself by creating this belief system that I am a corporate worker. I am a counselor. I do not belong in school. And it just kept me in fear of doing things. And then it kept me from doing my school work. I am in the process of rewiring that. And so today, I am a student. I am a sober man. I am a husband. I am a brother. I am a son. So if I think about all those identities, what are the actions behind them that leads me into that identity? Doing my school work, showing up when people need something from me, being of service, and being able to show up. So I want to ask you, was there a moment you realized you were becoming a different person? What did that mean for you? What did that feel like? You were becoming a different person. Next, fear of success and expectations. So improvement increases expectations. If you are improving, you are progressing towards a goal. You are progressing. You are changing. You are doing something about the things you don't like about yourself. That increases the expectations. And we know that expectations are nothing but premeditated resentment. So some examples of this are people expect consistency now. The responsibilities increase. My plate is getting fuller. My life is getting bigger. Mistakes feel more visible. So when I fuck up, I beat myself over the head about it. And I tell myself I'm no good. Success can create pressure to maintain progress. So I'm getting the outward things. I'm gaining my status in society. And now I have this pressure to maintain it. Some of the possible reactions to this are withdrawing early. So giving up. I'm a great starter, but I'm not a good finisher. See, I just labeled myself again. In the past, I've been a good finisher. I've been a good finisher. I've been a good finisher. In the past, I've done that. Today, I finish things. I try to see things through. School is a perfect example. I started four colleges and universities in my 20s and never finished any of them. I am rewiring that identity today. I am following through. These are all limiting beliefs that I've cultivated over time and they don't serve me. So sometimes failure feels safer than trying to maintain success. It's safer to just give up. Well, if I never attached to the I failed, whatever. I didn't even want it. So was there ever a time where success felt intimidating? Yeah, absolutely. Getting promotions at my job was a good example of this. We hear about imposter syndrome. There's no science behind imposter syndrome. It's not a real thing, but it is real. It is something we feel like we don't belong in this job role. We don't belong as a sober person. We feel like we're out of place. It's because of these old ideas. And then, yeah, expectations create pressure. So for me, I can think of a time where, being a mentor to people. Now I feel like I have an obligation to show up and help these people through early recovery, to be a counselor at work. I do good at work and now I have this pressure to keep it up, to keep getting people into rehab. And then it's very dangerous because if I fail at that or I don't get somebody in, I can create this belief that I am no good at what I do and I can't help anybody. So I want to ask you, have you ever stepped back from something good because the expectations felt too heavy? Was there ever a time where you stepped back or gave up from something good because the expectations felt too heavy? Next we have fear of vulnerability. So progress requires emotional openness. I need to be vulnerable. Some examples of this are trusting new people, accepting help, opening up to yourself. I was talking to a guy at my group yesterday and he was asking a lot of very personal questions, which I love because I can now open up to a new male in recovery and that guy knows. And so the next time he sees me, he asks how my wife is doing, how school is doing. And I can force myself to open up and be honest about it. You need to have no secrets in recovery, in my opinion. Today, I don't have secrets and I work hard to keep that going. I lied to my doctor yesterday. Here's a secret for you. I told my doctor that I was working with a clinician that I stopped working with for my TRT, my testosterone replacement therapy. I'm trying to get off of it. And for some reason, I just told him a lie because I didn't want him to think that I was doing illegal substances. When in turn, I'm not. That is something that I need to work on. I realized that lie after. So the next time I see him, I need to make amends. I need to apologize. I need to get honest. And not that I did anything wrong to him, but for me, I can't keep that secret because it's going to eat me up and it's going to take me back out. So trusting new people, accepting help when you need help, asking for help. And then when people go to give it to you, taking their hand and then letting people see your authentic self. So carrying yourself integrity, doing the right thing when no one's watching, but carrying yourself into every environment with honesty, integrity. I am who I am throughout the day. It doesn't change based on my circumstance. It doesn't change based on, excuse me, doesn't change based on my environment. Let people see the real you. Vulnerability can feel dangerous for people with past betrayal or trauma. This is tough for a lot of us. I can't trust people. I have trust issues. Vulnerability to me, Brene Brown says it perfectly. Vulnerability is showing up with out knowing the outcome. Simple, just showing up without knowing the outcome. I'm going to tell you this thing, and I'm not sure if you're going to judge me or you're going to laugh or you're going to tell somebody else, but I'm going to tell you anyways, because I can be vulnerable. I can open up. So this turns into reactions such as pushing people away, emotional withdrawal, and avoiding closeness. I don't want to let you in because if I let you in, you're going to see the real me and you're going to judge me. And I want you to love me. I want you to think that I'm this perfect recovered human being. The key insight here is that I'm not going to let you in because I'm not here. Self-sabotage can function as emotional protection. I'm protecting my emotions. I don't want to feel a certain way. So I am now self-sabotaging. So a time when I felt vulnerable, when being vulnerable felt risky in my life. Oh my God, I've had so many of those. One was when I came back from relapse and I admitted to my group of recovery, recovered people, recovering people, alcoholics and addicts that I had relapsed. I had told them I had one day. That was hard. I didn't want you to judge me. I didn't want you to think I was less than or better than or different. And what helped me move forward was I was able to say, I'm not going to let you in. I'm not going to move past that fear is I didn't want to feel the way I felt anymore. I just telling the truth will set you free, but it's going to sting like a bitch first, but it will set you free. For a long time, I showed up to my recovery groups, not telling people how I was actually doing, not telling them about the secrets I had in my life, not telling them. I just told them that things were good. And I put on this mask everywhere I went that led me to relapse. But I want you to think, have you ever pushed someone away? Even when you cared about them? Think about that. Okay. Next we have shame and feeling undeserving, undeserving. So shame can influence how people respond to positive change. Common beliefs are, I don't deserve good things. This won't last. People would reject me if they knew everything. This is too good to be true, right? When positive things appear, these beliefs can create internal tension. Possible behaviors include distancing, conflict, returning to old patterns. The key insight here is people may sabotage good things because they believe they don't deserve them. I don't deserve good things. You know, when someone tells you a compliment, I'm notorious for this. Somebody will give me a compliment and I just, oh, they must be lying. Oh, they don't know what's really going on. Oh, they're, they're just saying that to be nice. Stop. Accept the compliment. Yes, you deserve it. They think that way about you. They're not lying. They're telling you the truth. So did you ever struggle to accept something good happening in your life? Think about that. When was the last time you struggled to accept something good happening to you or in your life? Okay. Next we have nervous system conditioning. So the final point here, nervous system conditioning. Why do we self-sabotage? Long periods of stress condition emotional responses. So we are used to being stressed for so long. Some examples of this are chaotic households, addiction cycles, unstable relationships. We're just so used to this. Possible effects. Calmness feels unfamiliar. Emotional intensity feels normal. Some of the behaviors are seeking stimulation. I need dopamine. I need to be in my life as I talked about. The key idea here is that the body sometimes seeks the emotional states it learned to expect. An example in my life of this is my body responding to when life became calmer is when I drive now, this is huge, but after practicing meditation and working on myself and noticing my thought patterns and my emotions coming up, I don't have to act on those anymore. So life becomes calmer when I drive my car now and somebody cuts me off and I see the anger and start to arise. And I want to be calm. And I want to be calm. And I want to be calm. And I want to flip that guy off. I want to cut him off. I want to show him. I want to tailgate him on a slam the brakes. I don't do it anymore. I notice when I want to do those things and it's not perfect, but I am a lot better at emotional regulation and emotional sobriety when in traffic. That is a huge progression for me, because if you knew me before those things would drive me insane. When someone comments on my TikTok video and disagrees with me, I can read that and learn from it. Well, thank you for showing me a new perspective. I appreciate that instead of, oh, you don't know what you're talking about. You're wrong. Being open to new ideas and new concepts is huge for me in recovery today. So I want to ask you, did peace ever feel strange at first? Notice the peace in your life today. Be grateful for it. I'm grateful that I can, I don't need to win every situation. That is huge for me. I used to walk around, run around needing to win. I needed to, it was me versus you. I needed to show you. I needed you. I need to be right. These are like, I'm right. That's my biggest problem today. I need to be open to all perspectives because I want to learn and I want to grow. I don't want to be stuck in my ways. That is miserable. It's a miserable way to live, to be set in your ways and old ideas. And it has to be this way. A good example of this is evident in my life when people, my wife and my generation now, we're having baby showers and inviting men to them. For a long time, I still struggle with this idea, actually, that men don't go to baby showers. It's an old idea and it is just my way of thinking. When it turns out, a lot of people are actually attending these things, right? A lot of men are attending these things. This is an old idea that I need to reverse because I'm missing out on experiences going forward. I don't want to go to baby showers because I was always taught that women went to those things. It is, that is a negative belief that is not true and I need to unlearn. I'm working on it. So in closing, self-sabotage often reflects deeper patterns rather than weakness. There's a pattern here. I'm not weak. When life improves, what thoughts, or fears show up? Ask yourself that. When things are going well, when life improves, what feelings and emotions and thoughts and fears are showing up in my life? Journal them. Write them out. Are those thoughts based on your present reality or past experiences? Is this true? Is this absolutely true or is there another way of looking at it? One of the ways that I interrupt these patterns in my own life is meditation and journaling. Writing down the ideas that are limiting me, my limiting beliefs. What beliefs do I have that are limiting me? What beliefs do I have that are limiting me? What beliefs are limiting you today? What are your limiting beliefs? What is something that you know to be a fact that might not actually be a fact, might just be your perspective? Think about that. I'm not, let's, I'll give you an example. I'm not someone who runs marathons. I used to think that way and then I ran three. You can do anything in your life today if you put your mind to it. I know that sounds cheesy and whatever, woo woo, but it's true. If I believe that I'm a runner, I can run. If I believe that I'm a marathon runner, I will run a marathon. I just have to put in the work and believe that I can do it. Trust the process, follow the process, trust the process, and leave the outcomes up to the universe. But I know that I can do it because other people do it. And the minute I run longer than I thought I ever could run, what else can I do? There's a famous experiment, and I'll close with this, that I heard about yesterday in the 1950s. We don't do this anymore because it's illegal, but we used to, there was a scientist that threw rats. I don't remember his name. He put rats into a vacuum. He put rats into a vacuum. He put rats out of water, and he tried to help get them to swim. And he noticed that after 15 minutes or so, or 10 minutes, they would drown. They would just give up and drown. So what he did was he put the rats in for 15 minutes, and then he took it out, and then he let it catch its breath, sit for a bit, and then he put it back in. And what he found was the rats ended up swimming for 60 hours on average after they realized that they could do it for more than 15 minutes. They could do it again. And he kept conditioning them to believe that they could do more. So what areas in your life are limiting you today? What beliefs are limiting you? Recovery is simple, not easy. If you liked what you heard today, please follow, like, subscribe to the podcast. I love you all. It means so much to me. Have a great, wonderful, blessed day.
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