Why We Self Sabotage

Hi everyone. Welcome back to Call Her Daddy. It is a beautiful Sunday to have a little therapy session. Quick life update. I had to go to Europe for a really big work conference and when I tell you traveling pregnant is getting harder and harder and harder, we have got the compression socks going on. Very sexy. I brought my own pillow to help with the back support on the airplane. I'm having to get up and like stretch my hips and my joints throughout the flight. My bladder, girl, my bladder. I have to go to the bathroom every single five seconds. Not that my bladder isn't already compressed, but my child's head. Every time I go to the doctor, my doctor's like, oh, the head is right on your bladder right now. So I'm like, oh, perfect. That's why I can't sleep. And I have to go to the bathroom every five seconds. Lovely. And then you guys, when I got to the conference in Europe, every single person that I came in contact with was like, why are you here? Like everyone was like, you need to go lay down, which I do love. I was like loving the support and just everyone being so nice to me. I was like, oh my God, thank you. But I was like, I got to work. I got to work, babe. Okay. What I will say is something that I kind of never have done in my life is listen. My body and slow down when I know my body is telling me it needs it. Having been an athlete playing a division one sport, like I would literally have blood seeping out of my white cleats from my blisters that were like five inches deep. And my coach would just say like, no, keep running. And you would keep running. So I feel like in a way I have trained myself to ignore my body to a capacity and just kind of like push through pain and push through discomfort. And I will say that pregnancy has really changed that for me. And I am extremely grateful for that. Honestly, I think pregnancy is making me in a way, take care of myself in a way that I never have, which obviously I should be doing. I'm literally growing a human being. But back in the day, I just never would have, I don't know, like I never would have slowed down or pushed a meeting or rescheduled something because my body was telling me that's what it needed. And now, that is literally at the forefront of my brain these days. So as busy as I am, I have been really cognizant of taking care of myself, which we love. And it is making me realize that that should not just pertain to when you are pregnant. Okay. What a concept. Which kind of, I feel like it's a nice little segue into the topic that I want to address today, which is the toxic relationship that you literally cannot block. On Instagram, you can try to ignore, but it only works for so long. I want to talk about the relationship you have with yourself. Everyone's like, I'm turning this off. This is too deep for a Sunday. So many of you guys wrote in and asked me to talk about this topic today, actually. So this is actually on you guys. This has nothing to do with me. I asked you topically what you would want me to discuss. And this is one of those topics that everyone, every other DM was like, this topic. And so I ended up having a lot of really long, interesting conversations with my friends about it. I had multiple coffee dates, dinners, and I feel prepared to tackle this one. So I want to start by all of us being really honest with ourselves today. Okay. This is a safe space. No one's judging us. To the single or non-single girlies, I want you to think if you met a stable, amazing person who actually texts you back and your immediate response is, whoa, okay, this is kind of boring. I kind of missed the chase. And then you ghost that person for a toxic narcissist, whether that be your ex or just a new piece of shit you met. You've done that, right? I've done that. Another one, have you ever gotten a massive career opportunity only to procrastinate until the, absolute last second hand in mediocre work and be like, see, I knew I couldn't do it. Like I knew it wasn't for me. I'm going to hit you with the hard truth. Daddy gang, that is not called bad luck. That is called self-sabotage. And today we are going to be talking about self-sabotage because you all wanted me to talk about it. And I basically want to expose the psychological war we wage on ourselves. It comes to this issue. And then obviously we're not going to just say what it is. We're going to actually try to figure out how we get out of our own way and solve this extremely large problem. Okay. Self-sabotage. What a good Sunday episode. You're all waking up with the scaries being like, I did that last night. Let's get into it. So when I was talking about this with my friends, something I realized that was quite sobering, in my opinion, is that the sneakiest thing about self-sabotage is it doesn't really feel like you're ruining your life at the moment. It actually feels like you're protecting yourself, right? Like it almost feels like a defense mechanism disguised as intuition. And so my friends and I were talking about some examples of self-sabotaging. What does the ruining your own life playbook look like? What does that look like? And I think a classic, example that really embodies this that comes to mind is picking a fight, the picking a fight ritual. Ah, it was such a classic of Alex's back in the day. I used to do this so much in my 20s. I relate so heavily to this. So I am judging no one if this relates to you and pertains to you. The fighting. Things are going perfectly in your relationship. It's been three months, maybe three weeks, maybe even three days. And it's just like, pure bliss. Things are going right. So what do you do? You bring up something that their ex posted in 2021 at 2 a.m. just to create a problem. And why do we do this? It's because we almost are like preemptively leaving before we can get too close or hurt. You're so terrified of being rejected or broken up with or being vulnerable and rejected one day that you pull away, you act cold, or you try to end things first. And you cause the issue basically before they can. You destroy the relationship so they can't get a chance to destroy you. And if you've been in a situation like this, the worst I feel is when you look back and you remember so clearly the guy or the woman that you were in the relationship with being like, in the moment, they're like, what are you doing? Like, why are you doing this? And at the time it felt necessary. It was like this, intuition feeling, right? That you're like, I have to do this. But in hindsight, no, babe, that was self-sabotage. That was self-sabotaging. Another example my friends and I were talking about is like, and I think this one's really sadly relatable, is using procrastination as a shield. And what I mean by that is like, you don't start that passion project or you don't apply for that dream job because if you try your absolute hardest and fail, it's devastating. That hurts. But if you don't try at all, you have an excuse of like, oh, I just didn't have the time or like, it just wasn't the right time to do it. So I just haven't done it yet. And I think the hardest reality of that is like, when we get underneath it, guys, because we're going to do a lot of that today, is like, if you do this, it really is because you subconsciously don't want to be let down. You don't want to fail. The unknown of not, taking the chance, you convince yourself is actually better than the potential of failing. And so you make up a million excuses to like, of why, of course, I can't do that thing that I love or that I've always wanted to do. I can't do that. Or you're like, not right now. Not right now. It's not the right time. And most of the time it's like, no, no, no, guys, you can do it. It just requires you to look in the mirror and confront your fears. And that can be so scary. Because what the truth is, is when you do confront it, there's no pointing fingers at the toxic ex. There's no blaming anyone. No blaming the people that have ghosted you. No overanalyzing, you know, oh, man, well, it's their birth chart. It didn't align with mine. That's no blaming retrograde. Like, no, no, no. It's on you. And you have the power to hold yourself back from the life that you want. How terrifying is that? It's no one else's fault, but your own. Oh, my God. Then it just comes down to accountability. Right. And some of us don't want that or don't even want to hear that, which I get. But you're going to hear today. Um, also, here's the thing. When it comes to self-sabotaging, I think the reality for a lot of people is. And this one hit home. My friends and I were like, oh, this one kind of hurts. We crave familiarity over happiness. If you grew up around chaos. chaos stability actually feels unsafe and you mistake peace for boredom and you mistake anxiety for passion and so then obviously the question is like why do we do it though why do we do this to ourselves and when I was thinking about this and as backwards as this sounds I think it's because I think it's because staying in the trenches is actually really quite comfortable for a lot of us. We know the layout of the trenches. You know how to handle heartbreak. You know how to handle failure, chaos, like easy. You have survived it a million plus times. But you know what's actually terrifying? Success. Staying happy. Being loved properly. Because when things are good, you actually have something to lose. When you're constantly miserable, when you're constantly heartbroken, it's like you're looking up. You're like, there's got to be a bet. But when you actually achieve that for yourself, now you're looking down of like, oh my God, what is there to lose? And the voice in the back of your head starts whispering to you, oh my God, when is the other she? going to drop? So instead of like waiting for the other shoe to drop, you guys, we literally just like throw the other shoe out the window. We're like, oh my God, it's never going to happen. So I'm just going to ignore it. It's so humbling. When I was breaking it down for myself before this, I was like, oh, this is like a gut punch. Because basically what I'm saying is you create the disaster yourself because at least you're the one in control of it. No one else is doing it to you, right? So now I'm like, oh my God, I'm going to lose. I'm going to lose. I'm going to lose. I'm like, okay, you're probably all like, okay, Alex, again, it's Sunday, babe. Like we gotta, we gotta raise the roof. We gotta, what do we do? Right? What do we do? How do we stop? How do we stop essentially blowing up our own lives? How do we stop the madness of this cycle? How do we actually sit in a happy, healthy situation without trying to subconsciously or consciously set it on fire? And I know what I'm about to say probably seems really, really simple. Even like sounds a little bit corny, but just please hear me out. I believe that you have to build a tolerance for peace. We're all like that, babe, that obvious. No, no, no. I like, essentially, I believe the survival guide for when the self-sabotage itch starts ticking. It's like, oh, you know, let's do it. You need to sit in the discomfort of, good. The next time someone treats you right, or you get a win at work and you have this wave of anxiety, you need to stop. You need to take a breath and you need to say to yourself, I am feeling anxious right now because this is new and safe, not because something is wrong. Like we cannot act on the anxiety. I would also say sometimes it literally helps to write it down as again, corny as that sounds. Like it's helpful to write down, what is the reality of what is actually happening versus what it is making you feel? Those are two completely different things a lot of the times. And that I think helps you separate the familiar of what we're used to from what's actually healthy. If you start asking yourself, okay, do I actually dislike this person or am I just freaked out that they haven't made me cry? That they aren't making me wonder and feel insecure. And my nervous system is not constantly going up and down and up and down and freaking out. Like if a healthy relationship feels boring, all I ask of you guys, because listen, they actually may be boring, but what I ask of you is at least give it three more dates. Like rewire your brain to realize that guys, peace is everything. Like it is hot and it is attractive. Your mental health, thriving on peace and not instability and anxiousness. That is the goal. I know that may not feel like groundbreaking news, but if you look at a lot of the decisions we're all making, we're so regulated for this up and down. We just need to re-regulate our systems and that is going to take time and giving yourself a lot of grace. You have to essentially change the complete world. You have to change the complete world. You have to change the complete narrative that you've been telling yourself. You need to stop telling yourself like, oh, I'm just so, I'm just such a disaster. Like, or like everyone else can have their happy ending, but like, just not me. Like I'm a failure. Like you're a human being. We are all healing from old patterns, but you need to start to force yourself to get really comfortable to own your worth. And that is so sad to me that that is so hard for so many of us. Understandably though, right? I also think my friends and I were laughing because we were like, oh, like I wish someone told me this in my early twenties, even my teens, honestly, like guys, we force ourselves to get used to fuck boys, making us feel like shit. Or we force ourselves to accept everyone else just like gets the better opportunities. It's just never going to be me. If we are able to do that and convince ourselves of that, then I feel like we can redirect that energy and force ourselves to accept that you are allowed to have good things without their being. And I feel like that's a catch. Because if not, I think the scariest part of all of this, and this is like where I'm going to hit you with maybe some hard facts, but I need you guys to listen up. It is the domino effect of self-sabotage. The domino effect that this has on your life. I, I don't want to say I was excited to talk about this day because it is again, very sobering and it's hard to think about, but we need to acknowledge it. Self-sabotage is rarely a single event. It's not like this one thing. And then you're like, okay, I never did that again. It is a very slow burn with massive repercussions, daddy gang. Like these little consistent decisions will slowly one by one, have you looking back, realizing that you compromised so much of your life. It affected the entire foundation of who you are and what you accept. And what I'm saying is, I don't want you to be like, I don't want for any of us is to realize that slowly you actually kind of let it dictate the trajectory of your health, your wealth, and essentially your sanity. Okay. Like we, I think I've, I mean, I've seen online, right? You do it with your friends. We can joke about, oh my God, I'm such, I always self-sabotage like, oh, I'm the worst at it. But it's like, no, no, no. It eventually will actually take an extreme psychological toll on you. Cause every single time you set a goal, like, okay, I'm going to eat better. I'm going to go for that job that I've always wanted. I'm going to leave this toxic relationship. And then you deliberately fail to follow through. You are essentially teaching your brain, which is really dangerous. This lesson, which is my word means nothing. When my friends and I started talking about that, we were all like, let's take a beat. Let's take a beat on that one because my word means nothing. Again, accountability with that one. You're like, huh? Like that is what completely destroys self-efficacy, AKA your belief in your capability to succeed. Like you're just like ruining your self-esteem. And so this little word of like self-sabotage, the long-term impact of that, here we go. Okay. So I'm going to take a beat on that one because my word means nothing. Okay. You no longer trust yourself and you become entirely dependent on external validation. My therapist has been like, are you needing this help? Or is this also for like all the daddy gang? I'm like both. I'm like taking notes in my therapy session. She's like, honestly, I'm happy. I can help more than just one in this Alex. Yeah. You start looking for external validation. You lose your self-esteem. You lose your intuition. You become so highly susceptible to gaslighting and essentially you develop a chronic imposter syndrome. Okay. I know this is really scary guys, but like we got to go down the rabbit hole because it is the effects are crazy. You stop making decisions altogether, right? You're kind of just like letting life happen to you rather than being in control of your own life. Also to women, I think it's really important to know that you're not the only one who's going to be in control of yourself. You're not the only one who's going to be in control of yourself. You're not the only one who's going to be in control of When it comes to your career, this is so important to emphasize with self-sabotage. Again, it can be really slow. So it doesn't usually look like, oh my God, you did this insane fucking thing. And then you got fired for this massive blow up. No, no, no. It looks more like quiet procrastination. It looks like, you know, turning down opportunities for visibility and being seen for your worth and your value. It looks like, you know, you're not the only one who's going to be in control of your Maybe you're avoiding risks. You get trapped staying in your comfort zone. So you stay at the job that undervalues you because the anxiety of interviewing somewhere new feels worse than the daily misery of being underpaid and undervalued and then over a lifetime you have avoided negotiations and so you've missed promotions you've missed opportunities to take yourself to that next level like self-sabotage in the moment looks like a tiny little decision but it directly translate ladies to money in your pocket thousands of dollars could be left on the table your retirement plan babe okay and I know I always say this but it is important to say like I know it is easier said than done I know I am like laying this out and it's like okay okay okay this is I'm saying what's obvious but it's really fucking hard to change it right I think what is important to acknowledge and address though is all these things so you can change it right because look we can't change a piece of shit boyfriend you cannot change the family that you were born into but you can change how you approach your life and I think that's what I love talking about here it's like what can we actually control you can control how you treat yourself because I truly believe and I'm sure there are literal studies out there but I didn't look them up so someone else do it um there's no way that self-sabotage and doing that heavily isn't manifesting in how we treat our bodies there's no way there has to be a correlation someone look it up and dm it to me like procrastinating on work or avoiding hard conversations it is gonna create chronic stress like I just want to emphasize self-sabotage guys this isn't just like a buzzword online of like uh I self-sabotage like no no if you are in it it is all-encompassing and then the side effect which I think is really um very applicable to our generation right now is like then you start to numb if you're constantly self-sabotaging you cope with the anxiety of your own self-sabotage by coping mechanisms maybe it's doom scrolling 24 7 and then you're actually making yourself feel worse all the time substance abuse issues binge eating um reckless spending ruining relationships like the list goes on it has this trickle down effect essentially and so I know it's a lot but if you go all the way back to how I started this conversation what essentially started as a defense mechanism or what feels like a defense mechanism can manifest into so much more and the amount of people who wrote into me and asked me to talk about self-sabotaging I really appreciated it because I was like okay this is clearly very pertinent to the conversation for the daddy gang and myself and it's also really important that we have the conversation about self-sabotage and we can adjust something I remember when I was doing research on this I read a quote that I thought was so applicable to this topic if I butcher this just you'll get the gist but it basically said we must all suffer one of two things the pain of discipline or the pain of regret which one do you want to be do you want to live your life with regret or do you want to be like god that was really really hard that I held myself to this standard and it wasn't easy it wasn't even fun sometimes but I got through it and I did it at the end of the day I think the most tragic way self-sabotage ruins a life is that it literally robs you of your own potential I don't want anyone listening to this show and I definitely don't want myself also like at 40 50 or 60 years old we all look back being like oh my god the only thing standing between the life that you wanted and the life that you got was just like your own refusal to tolerate the discomfort of growth good night we're all like no but it's like I swear to god guys this is so so real and it is all-encompassing and I just urge the daddy gang like the next time that you feel the urge to self-sabotage and you know you want to text your toxic ex you want to pick a fight with your partner or you want to blow off an important meeting please remember this you have survived all of your worst days so far you have you're here right so you don't need to create new ones just to prove you can survive those two you don't let yourself be happy let yourself win you genuinely deserve it because at what point do you say enough is enough I'm done I'm done hurting myself I demand more for myself but I get it's really scary because when you start to do that it's you have to take accountability of your own life you cannot say it was this person's fault or this person did this to me you have to actually start to be like okay I'm in control people can do things to you but how do you react how do you get up every morning and say no I'm not going to let that affect me or yeah that affected me but I'm going to turn it into this like at some point our victim mentality needs to shift to be like for sure shit can happen to you how are you going to react and how are you going to adjust and how are you going to change from it because if you keep letting others completely dictate your entire life then you are then you're never going to have control of anything you have no autonomy over yourself and what is a life like that to live that's miserable your life is in the hands of all these other people and let's be real most people are just thinking about themselves so no one's really thinking about you the least you could do is think about yourself first no one's think no one's putting you first but you so like let's start with that what a concept um okay I think that's enough on that topic for today I just I hope that that hit home and I hope that maybe this could be used as a little reset to anyone who has found themselves in any capacity self-sabotaging I love you again I know this is like a very difficult thing to change this isn't going to happen overnight but at least acknowledging if you're doing it and if this felt like it was applicable to your life let's start Monday okay tomorrow's Monday it's a fresh new start let's stop self-sabotaging okay um let's answer some questions so the first question someone wrote in and said hey daddy first of all congrats on becoming a mommy too I've recently started therapy and I'm going to be a mom in a few years so I'm going to be a mom in a few years so I'm going to be a mom in a few years so I'm going to be a mom in a few years and it has been such a game changer but I feel like I run out of things to talk about when nothing crazy is happening in my life what should I do do you have any suggestions oh girl do I have a very very very good suggestion for you I will never forget when I said to my therapist it was like years ago where I was like oh like I don't like really think we need like a full session and she was like oh why is that and I was like everything's going really well like I don't really have much to talk about and she was like I don't really have much to talk about and I was like oh amazing these make for the best sessions I believe that therapy is so helpful when you are in a crisis that is absolutely true like this person is specialized in this they can help you they can guide you through it but I think the most progress you actually make is when you're not in crisis so you can actually get underneath the things that are a part of your DNA a part of who you are that are little triggers that you just feel like well I don't need to talk about this I don't need to talk about my childhood right now because the issue is my mother-in-law or the issue is my um you know my boyfriend and I have been fighting or my husband and I've been doing this or at work this is happening like when you're handling a direct in the moment issue there's of course moments in therapy you're going to be able to lightly get into the weeds of like why is this triggering and what is this bringing up for you but for the most part you're not actually able to like get into childhood and previous wounds and who you are to the core in the way that a full session just brings you into the moment and you're able to get into the moment and you're able to just being like let's just talk let's just talk I think my advice because I had someone close to me recently do this was like you can say to your therapist I'm feeling acknowledge it to her like I'm feeling like I don't really have anything to say and that makes me want you to kind of push me of like let's explore let's explore like what what should we talk about today put it a little bit on your therapist to then guide you through because the minute you give her the opening will go I used to do this my therapist which is such a bad habit and maybe this is just because I literally can't like shut the fuck up for a living um I would just like keep talking and just like make not like make stuff up but I would just like kind of like fill the room with air and I would just keep going and I would never allow for silence so I don't think my therapist ever actually fucking knew that I actually felt like I didn't have anything to talk about because I would just literally keep talking and what I needed to do was shut the fuck up and be like I've got nothing and then she could have filled the void to be like great so let's go back to when four months ago when you brought up that it brought up a lot of insecurity when xyz happened I want to go back let's explore that more now that we've had time away from it like so much of therapy is not actually dealing with the direct issue at hand that's half of life right more than half of life it's like there's something in front of you that's triggering you and it actually has nothing to do with what's actually in front of you and what's triggering you it actually has everything to do with what happened way back when and now let's bring it back up for you so let yourself explore and don't be afraid to kind of like go on a little journey with your therapist but give her the permission to allow it and don't be like me and like just make up fake stories to just fill the 50 minutes not me like literally being a people pleaser being like I don't want her to feel awkward and like whatever so like I'm just gonna kind of like bring up a random story that like I completely have clarity on but like this will fill the void you're paying this person you're paying this person you guys use them okay okay next oh this is a really good question okay hi daddy I would like your current perspective on sharing locations with a partner when in a relationship do you ask how do you ask do you think it's ever healthy or is it always toxic what does it mean if you're in a great relationship but they say no and do you believe in sharing locations with friends this is really it's such a good question because I feel like recently just socially everyone kind of shares locations with each other right like I mean for god's sake on instagram there's like a feature where you can share where your location is um I feel like so many people on find my friends just like share their locations some of my friends have like 40 people on their share their locations so Matt and I do share locations with each other but we didn't always share locations I remember in the beginning of our relationship that wasn't even a thought of mine or his um and it I think it was more like I think we changed I think I think it was when we changed when we were in a relationship and I think it was more like when we were in a relationship when we were living together nothing happened that made Matt and I share it it ended up just like naturally happening one day of like oh when are you going to be home or something and then like the other one was like here and then we just shared our location and then we never stopped sharing the location and now when I check it you want to know when I check Matt's location guys it's when he says I'm leaving the office and I'm trying to like get our dinner together and I check it and he still hasn't left the office and I'm like you haven't left though and he's like so like that's what I use it for um so now I'm trying to backtrack because I know I'm now talking my own situation so I'm like okay I think it's toxic if it is coming from a place where you genuinely are wanting it because you are trying to find out where this person is if it's coming from insecurity if it's coming from distrust at all that is a problem because then do you don't need the the location you need a new relationship you need to build trust in the relationship and just sharing a location is not going to knock off all the distrust that you have with this person do you know what I mean like you have to look at it from a standpoint of is this helping fuel anxiety and you think it's going to give you less anxiety because now you'll know where he is and even though he says he's at work you don't actually believe he's at work so having his location would actually make you feel just like a little bit better about it that's unhealthy that's like you're trying to have this little stopgap thing to help you fill a void in the relationship that's actually just a glaring issue that like this isn't actually going to solve it I definitely would love to know like if you're married or if you're like living with this person like I think when you're at a really serious place in your relationship I don't personally care about sharing my location because I have nothing to fucking hide and Matt has nothing to hide so we're both like here but if someone is actively saying no to you and that's like your husband or your boyfriend that you're living with I guess I would just love to know why I'm not someone who's like I'm not someone who's like I'm not someone who's like needs it I would just love to know like oh what why you know what I mean like I get it can come off a lot if you're dating and it's kind of like because I don't like I want you to trust me and like I don't need you to be like tracking my whereabouts that's weird I feel like that's more of like an early relationship thing I think there should be no problem if you're married sharing your location I literally like life happens right you have kids you're trying to figure out your schedule where is this person if you can't get a hold of them and you're trying to set up something and then you check and you're like oh they're still at work or oh they're still at grandma's house I'm gonna do like that's logistics right but I know people have a lot of feelings on sharing location and I think that anyone that is extremely defensive about it when it comes to a relationship I think there just needs to be an overarching conversation and a look at the relationship and not just like why is sharing a location triggering is there other shit in your relationship that's making this issue more pronounced you know because I just feel like everyone that's written into me about locations it's always like I don't know I don't know I don't always like well he won't share it with me and like I always on Saturday night like I just feel like when he says he's out with his boys that baby you don't need his location again you need a new boyfriend you're so insecure because he makes you feel so insecure because he's being shady getting his location actually you're just gonna be like oh he is at that woman's house like it's just gonna confirm that he's cheating on you do you need to you know what I mean so I think you have to look at your relationship and what you want it for and if they're being really shady about it that is weird that's weird no I don't know internet tell me I'm not saying that it should be like you have to share your location immediately but I don't really care again I'm not sharing it with everyone but like I'm sharing it with my husband why wouldn't I he should know where I am he should know where I'm God forbid I'm at the supermarket and someone takes me Matt's got to come to the rescue or God forbid God I don't know I have my mom my dad my sister I have my family and my close friends as friends and matt no i'm not checking it all the time okay i don't know next let me know i have a question for you have you thought about how you will approach work once your baby is born will you take time off do you think it will shift your perspective overall this is such a great question this is my favorite way to just drum up some anxiety do you guys want to do you guys want to have a quick chat do you want to hear where my my brain's been um yeah i think i've been anxious about this because for the past almost decade of doing call her daddy i have never taken off more than like what looks like through my episodes two weeks for like christmas and new years but it really isn't even two weeks because i'm i've i'm working those weeks to get the episode for january like the second week ready so like i've never really taken off more than a week for call her daddy and that is just the nature of this business right like you need to upload every single week and this is the name of the game and so i've kind of conditioned myself to be like there are no breaks and that's been amazing and very fruitful for my business but i think when i think about having a child and every woman deserves to have maternity leave i'm like i i how is that going to work how is that going to work because i can't take three months of off of call her daddy you know and so what i have been doing for the past few months and i will say it hasn't been the easiest um but so hopefully it will make you guys just appreciate those episodes extra is i have been working double during this pregnancy to bank episodes for the months that i will try to take off during this pregnancy leave and i just am so looking forward to the minute i have this child i really really want to be able to disconnect i want to be able to turn my phone off turn the internet off um and and honestly for myself like turn call her daddy off for a second and be 100 percent present with my child and my husband and just be in this cocoon of oh my god this is my first child i've never done this before and i want to soak it all up and the last thing i want to be thinking about is work because i shouldn't have to think about that right um and so i have been banking a lot of episodes it's giving me anxiety but in a beautiful way i have such an incredible team now where basically you guys will be set you're going to have call her daddy episodes rolling out every single week like nothing has changed and it will just be because i've been working the past few months to get those done i think that my goal is to also take just like a break from social media obviously i'll post here and there of little things that i feel applicable but i think i want to do like just like a cleanse of the soul and bringing this child into this world and like i don't know i just kind of want to be off the grid so that is what i'm planning and then to come back um who knows if i'll actually be able to take two months off but we'll we're gonna try and i said to my team like i'll be down probably to get on zooms after a few weeks no and they could be like no i thought we were gonna you were gonna take a little bit more time off that i'm like we'll see but i just i'm gonna be easy on myself and as every woman should like maternity leave is it seems like such a beautiful time where you really will never get that time back and i want to enjoy it as all these other women tell me it's so great so yeah you won't know I'm on maternity leave except but I will know not is all that matters right you're getting fed and I'm getting fed okay um next my story is short and sweet our bride is asking us to all wear Lily Pulitzer for her bachelorette not only is the brand not everyone's style but it's also out of some people's price range for a dress slash shirt slash outfit a color scheme is one thing but a brand like am I out of line for thinking the themes have gone too far I bite my tongue every time anyone writes in about anything with regard to bachelorettes because I'm scared I'm scared of the culture I'm scared of the women and I'm just scared of everyone is so specific about the way that they viewed this topic and it's like you will get crucified if you don't have the right take but there is no right take because everyone has a different opinion so I'll just give you my opinion and just know what's going on and I'll see you in the next one. coming from a loving place I think this is crazy um the only way I think this isn't crazy is if the bride pays for everyone's outfit from Lily Pulitzer if you say guys pick something out from the website I'm gonna get everyone it because on Friday want us all to be in this outfit that's the only I think acceptable thing to ask of someone I understand when it's bridesmaids dresses where it's like the this is the dress or these are the dresses that we're looking at before a bachelorette you're spending so much money I'm assuming if you're also doing Lily Pulitzer this bitch has you guys going somewhere you know you're going somewhere you're spending money on flights and stay and all of it and decorating and so the fact that you're also being asked to purchase a specific I guess it is kind of weird yeah I think it's like oh we're gonna do a pink party on Friday night totally fine but like we're doing a Lily Pulitzer party like did you get a brand deal and you're gonna give us all the dress or like why um and I also think that's annoying because it's like it's not like you're asking to buy a dress it's like it's not like you're asking to buy a dress to do like you know a Hawaiian theme where everyone gets like cute little leis and all that like this is like a bougie nice brand so I agree with you I don't think that that's out of the question and I think that you could just go back and say like hey these dresses are like way too expensive is there any other brand that looks similar that you would be like that you could recommend that we could get um and that will feel right because it's kind of like then you pay for it I think the bride needs to be like you know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know to pay for that if she's gonna get that specific sue me but sorry okay next okay hi daddy would love your take on this I have a co-worker who constantly says I'm just being honest but really they're just mean oh my god that's actually kind of funny not funny for you but just like funny because like I know people like that is there a professional way to tell someone they're using honesty as an excuse to be rude oh my god that is such an amazing question oh my we all know those people they're like I'm just being honest but like you look like you've gained some weight and you're like what like how did how did what I think what you could say is the next time they say I'm just being honest I think you can say hey Betty I know that in your opinion you are just being honest I think there's a very big difference between honesty and putting someone down through that honesty there is no need for the way that you speak a lot of the times to it's it's more jabs honesty it's disguised as honesty and so every time you go to be honest with me I would just ask that you remove me from those moments because I every single time you've ever done that it just feels really personal and if anything it's very derogatory and in a way that like I don't feel comfortable in a work setting being spoken to like this none of this has to do with work and if it does there should be no emotions or anger or rudeness brought with it you can just tell me honestly what needs to be done with work not in a way that is is mean and aggressive and I think that once you shut that down and I think you let me also just tell you this the calmer you are in conversations like this the more effective you are going to be and that took me a really really long time in life to figure that out like I feel like whenever I would want to confront someone I it was like still the high schooler in me like defending my friends or defending myself like you feel like whether it's the louder you get or the more intense you get like it will hit better actually being so calm and so in control when you are telling someone your honesty you're using honesty to disguise actually like cruel and meanness and I'm not interested in the way that you are presenting it you're weaponizing fake honesty as a way to get at people and I have no interest and this is a work setting this isn't a friendship so I don't need to subject myself to that so I would really appreciate I'm setting a boundary I don't need your honesty actually anymore you're a co-worker and let's just do work together thank you very much but please keep me out of this the more calm you are the more the poundage of shit is gonna collect in their fucking pants when you approach it that way because they want you to react crazy they want you to come at them because then guess what happens then that person who's being inappropriate is able to flip it of like oh my god you're being so out of control you're being so crazy when you keep it right here oh you keep it right here you keep it real calm cool and collected there's nowhere to go there's nowhere to go you just hone in because listen and then you can go to the bathroom and you can like curse into the fucking but what don't even give her an inch don't give her an inch work works for me every time and by every time I mean like in the past two years I've learned to this okay it's easier said than done I will say but hone in on that craft and it's gonna get you very very far in life one of my friends is constantly filming and posting everything we do sometimes I don't want to end up on Instagram or TikTok every time we hang out do you think it's weird I'm bothered by this how would you approach this conversation I feel like this is probably the most relatable issue maybe that friend groups are having nowadays because there's gonna be one woman who is way more active on social media regardless of follower count and then there's gonna be people who are more private I think that's a completely fair feeling to have I think that you can just say that I think but without being a dick so I think you can approach your friend and be like hey I want you to know that I completely support that you post on social media more I know you know I'm not really doing the same amount and I think like both are great and we both have our opinions on social media and like the way we approach it and I want you to keep posting I just don't want to be in the content a lot of the times and I would just appreciate it if you could just kind of like remove me from those moments but like obviously keep doing your thing it's just like a me thing and I don't really want to be in it I think if your friend is like what the fuck you just have to make sure that your tone is correct because I could see it coming off as judgy to her like you know you and your social media thing it's cute but like I would never want to be a part of something like that you have to watch your tone something I also think is just etiquette at this point where maybe back in the Facebook days it wasn't like and obviously I know I'm in a different situation because I have um like this public platform but like every single time I'm on a trip most of my girlfriends that are my closest people in my life either don't have social media or have complete private social medias and most of the internet doesn't even know who my closest friends are right and so sometimes you'll see a picture of them and be like who is that but it's like I ask my friends always like are you okay if I post this story and you're in it are you okay did and they're some of sometimes my friends have been like no I don't really want that or yes sometimes they're like oh my god totally post me it's it's case by case dependent but I ask them and I know again my situation is a little different but I think it is still applicable like we are in a time where everything is being filmed and that is so normal for some people and they feel comfortable and then other people want privacy and or just like don't want to have to deal with it I'm like oh I wanted to go to the dinner and I don't want to have to worry about like am I in the background of that it's the same thing when people are like oh my god you're going and you're filming the pilates class and the poor woman in the back is like guys like I literally dragged myself out of bed today I barely got my kids to school I'm at the pilates class I look like shit and I'm in the back of your tiktok or your insert like please like find but again film yourself in pilates but you have to be respectful that you're not filming all these other people because they didn't sign up for that I think there is such a shift in the way that social media now it's almost similar to television rights back in the day like if you happen to be in the background at the jersey shore they had to blur all of their faces because the the enormity of the platform at this point there is such a consumption problem where this could be this could reach many many people on tiktok or whatever and I think that's a huge problem and I think that's a huge problem and I think that's a huge problem and I think that's a huge problem even when you're on tiktok or instagram same thing goes for even if you only have a certain amount of followers like these people deserve discretion and they deserve privacy and so you can post but why should they have to be a part of it I think is the name of the game now so I think your friend should be completely understanding and if she's not um I think that's like a really weird dynamic and I think you can just say like I respect that you want to post but I don't see why I need to be in that content and if she's like well sometimes it's just because I'm like going around and you happen to be in the room it's like well I think there's a way to compromise because the compromise shouldn't be then I don't get to go on the friend dinners and trips like that doesn't feel right so because your Instagram story is so important and you're not willing to just make a concerted effort when you know I'm sitting over there like just don't show it over there instead I now need to remove myself from actual normal life events so that you can get your Instagram story for what to look cool because you were at catch that night like your social self-validation is more important than our actual friendship got it then you probably don't want to be friends with someone like that I mean this and maybe I'll do an episode on this but this is a video that I'm going to post on my Instagram story and I'm going to post it on my Instagram story and I'm going to post it on my Instagram story and I'm going to post it on my