Why We Attach to Outcomes & How to Gently Detach

Welcome back to the Happiness Hangout, the podcast that helps you unlock your potential, shift your mindset, and start living your dream life one step at a time. I'm your host, Katie, Life Coach, and LB Practitioner, and your go-to for all things self-growth. Thanks for hanging out, and let's get started. A few months ago, I made an episode about detaching from the outcome and aligning with the vision, and today I wanted us to dive even deeper into detachment, because I think so many of us are so focused on needing clarity and certainty that we don't actually allow life to play out the way it's meant to. We want answers right now, we want to know exactly how it's all going to unfold, we want reassurance before we let ourselves relax, and because of that we interrupt the process. We stay in things that don't feel right because they feel familiar. We hesitate to do something different because uncertainty feels uncomfortable, and we miss the present moment entirely because we are too busy waiting for clarity and wanting clarity. And I know this because I've lived it so many times, there have been so many moments in my own life where I wanted clarity so bad that I missed what was actually happening in front of me. I missed experience, experiences, I missed the good. I missed just being able to be present in the moment because I was so focused on needing a specific outcome in knowing exactly how it was going to play out. So today I wanted us to talk about why we do this, what it actually does to us, and how to loosen the grip, not by forcing detachment, but by understanding ourselves better and what truly happens when we learn to detach. And I think a key part of this is first understanding why we attach to outcomes. And when I started learning more about the brain, this made so much sense to me. So your brain's job, and main job is not happiness, it is not growth, it is not too allow you to become the best version of yourself. It is literally just to keep you safe. In certainty, feel safe to your brain. So when something really matters to you, whether that be a relationship, your future, a career decision, and you don't know how it's going to turn out, your brain doesn't see that or experience that as an exciting possibility. It experience it as uncertainty, an uncertainty to the nervous system can feel threatening, even when nothing is actually wrong. And this was huge for me to realize, because it really allows you to say to yourself, okay, like maybe I'm just anxious right now, not because anything is wrong, but because I'm so used to like knowing or wanting to know how things are going to play out. And so that's why detaching can feel so hard because your brain wants to feel certainty. And when it doesn't feel that, your body feels like it goes into fight or flight. It's like I need to know exactly how this is going to play out. And your brain is also basically like a prediction machine. So it's constantly trying to figure out what happens next so you can feel safe. So when outcomes are unknown, the brain looks for certainty. And attachment is often just the brain trying to lock in a prediction of being like, I want to end up with this person. I want my career to go exactly this way. And a lot of the times it's not even necessarily because we want that thing so badly, but because you want the discomfort of not knowing to stop. And so if you know or you tell yourself, oh, this is what this is the outcome I'm supposed to have, like your brain, you think your brain can just stop worrying because you're like, Oh, this is the outcome. I'm attaching to this outcome. And now I don't have to live in uncertainty. Because the brain, and this is a really, really huge thing that like stopped me in my tracks, the brain fears uncertainty more than it fears the fear of failure. So so many of us think we're afraid of failure. When in reality, it is actually that we're scared of not knowing what will happen if we try. And when you really sit with that, it explains so much like why we don't take risks, why we stay stuck, why we choose what's familiar over what's aligned. Because staying where you are not, it might not be what you want, but it feels predictable and safe. And predictability again feels safer to the brain than stepping in it to the unknown, even if the unknown could lead you to something even better, which usually it does. And so what attachment actually does to us and what the real cost of attachment is is that we miss opportunities, we misread situations, we make fear-based decisions, we try to force things that are not meant to be forced, or we just stay in places that don't feel right. And not because we're doing something wrong, but again, because we're trying to feel safe. And so when we're stressed, the brain prioritizes prediction over perspective. And that's why clarity feels harder the more that we chase it. And I know that you've probably experienced this, like you're over analyzing something over and over, you're trying to figure out exactly what decision you should make, what path you should take. And you just feel even more confused. And then maybe you take a step back and stop forcing it. And that is exactly when the answer or outcome that you should go for comes to you. And that's truly not a coincidence. It's because, and this is the key thing here, attachment clouds your ability to see clearly. It narrows your vision, it keeps you in control, or it keeps you thinking you're in control instead of allowing you to receive what's actually unfolding. And so why does detachment actually help? And why is it so important for us to learn to detach from the outcome and really step into this? And I think a really key part of this is realizing that detachment doesn't mean that you don't care. It doesn't mean that you stop putting in effort or focusing on what you can't control like it's or focusing on what you can control. Detachment truly means that you're calming the part of your brain that's panicking about the future. And instead, you're trusting that things are unfolding for your highest good. You're telling your nervous system, I'm safe, even if I don't know yet, and I trust myself to handle whatever is next. And when that urgency around the future softens, and you say, I know that things are going to work out how they're meant to as long as I focus on what I can control, you're truly able to see the full picture. You stop forcing you become more open. You actually enjoy where you are. And again, you allow things to play out how they're meant to. So detachment creates space. And space is where clarity lives. Space is where self-trust grows. Space is where life truly has room to surprise you. And honestly, like, isn't that what makes life so exciting that you don't fully know how it's all going to play out for you, which means that it could play out even better than you thought was possible. And a really great example that I love of this is like, if you're holding on so tightly to something and your fist is closed and someone comes in and they're like, I have something that's so great for you. Like, I want to put it in your hand, but your fist is closed with, it's holding on so tightly to something else and someone has something better. Like, you wouldn't be able to put that other thing in your hand, or like, you'd be trapping that thing that maybe night, not might be meant for you. And so I think this is why it's so important to practice detachment and to let go and open your hand to receive what is actually meant for you. And I don't want to leave you with all of this insight in no way to apply it. And so here are a few gentle ways to truly practice detachment. So take what resonates, leave what doesn't. But this is what has truly helped me deal with detaching better. And the first step is notice what you're actually attached to. So most of the time you're not actually attached to that outcome itself, but you're attached to what you think that outcome will give you. So maybe you think it'll give you safety, relief, validation, a sense of being chosen, proof that you're on the right path. So just simply ask yourself, what do I think this outcome will finally make me feel? Because every single thing that we desire, we desire because of the feeling we think it will give us. And just noticing that can create such a powerful shift of, oh, look, maybe I only want this thing because I think it is going to give me safety. And when you realize that, you say, okay, but I also know that there are so many other ways for me to get safety. And if this isn't the thing that gets me it, I know that something else will. The second step is learn it to tell urgency or anxiety from intuition. So urgency feels tight, rushed panic while intuition feels calm, grounded, and steady. And if something feels like it needs to be forced or decided right away, that usually is urgency in all your intuition. So you can ask yourself, am I moving from fear or from alignment? And I have a full episode about the difference between attached, between intuition and anxiety, if you want to check that out too. But again, just realizing that intuition is always more of a quiet knowing and always feels more calm while anxiety or urgency is like this feeling of, I need to figure this out right now and more like stress. The third step is give your nervous system safety without having the outcome or without having it all figured out. So the next time you notice yourself attaching, try putting your hand on your heart and just saying, I am safe right now. I don't need to have everything figured out. I don't need to know everything yet. I trust myself to handle whatever comes next. So you're not convincing yourself that the outcome will work out right away or that you need to know the outcome. You're reminding your body that you're okay now without knowing the outcome. And that is truly detachment. And the last step is to let clarity come from space, not pressure. So clarity usually doesn't come from thinking harder or pushing harder. It comes from creating space for yourself and for the answers to come in. And sometimes the most aligned thing that you can do is pause, is breathe and let yourself not decide yet. And that isn't avoidance. That's just giving yourself the clarity you need before making a big decision. So again, if you're like feeling rushed and constantly putting things in your head, you're not able to think clearly. And a lot of the times you're again, being so attached to knowing an outcome or to a specific outcome that you can't even see what's actually best for you. And the problem isn't that we want clarity. It's that a lot of the times clarity becomes more important than alignment and safety becomes more important than living your most authentic life. And most importantly, like a big issue is that comfort becomes more important than your growth. So sometimes life needs room to show you what's actually meant for you. And when you detach, you're giving life that room. While if you were to attach, you wouldn't give it that room to fully show you what's actually meant for you. Again, like a tightly closed fist cannot receive. And so if you're so like tightly holding on to things, you aren't allowing what's truly meant for you to come in. And so I just wanted to end this off by reminding you, if you notice yourself attaching now, let that be a moment of compassion for yourself, not judgment, your human being, your brain is just trying to keep you safe. And that doesn't mean that anything is wrong. You don't need to control the outcome. You don't need to have all the answers today. You just need to stay present, open, and be just a little bit kinder to yourself. Life is still unfolding for you, even if you don't have all the clarity yet, even if you don't know exactly how it's going to play out. And more often than not, when you truly stop forcing the path and detach, it ends up working even more beautifully than you could have even planned for it to. It is always this or something better. And that is truly one thing that always makes detachment easier for me of being like this thing is either going to work out for me or it won't. And it gives me knowledge and I grow and I get to end up with something that is even better and more aligned. I am sending you so much love and light. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a five star review as it really helps me continue making these episodes. And we will chat next week.