150: Why Some Women Don’t Grow With You (And How to Let Go Without Becoming Bitter)

[Music] Of course, I would have a low battery and no idea what I charge is on perhaps the most important podcast of the year. The one I'm announcing my new book, The Art of Letting Go to Find Yourself, guys, it's coming 26th of May in Australia and in June in the UK and everywhere else straight afterwards. Guys, this is the book, this is the one. This is where all the wisdom is containing if you are tired of performing, of doing too much, of auditioning for everybody. This is the one for you. So much so that I'm here with a light shining in my face and no battery but I had to tell you as well as this being one of the most requested podcasts you have ever asked me called. And it's about friendship, un-wethered friendship, why some women don't grow with you and why it's okay and how to let go without getting bitter. It is absolutely okay. I'll tell you why I'm telling you about this now and why I'm so frantic and frazzled, no more because I want to get all the information out, right? And we'll talk about it more. But number two, because I think this topic is so bloody important and why it leads on to the book being published. Oh my god, guys, I've been working on this for so long. This is going to be life-changing for you, I promise. It's because the book has work in there. It's got friendships in there. It's got relationships in there. Not just boring old men. All right, Nancy. It's got all kinds of juice in there. I've let him go in all these kind of parameters. But because I'm feeling friendly and because I want us to do well, guys, I want us to do super well, what I'm going to do is I've created this link, right? You're going to go down there in all the descriptions. Wherever you're listening to this or watching this, you're going to go in the links and you're going to click on it. You're going to pre-order the book because you've been listening to my content and you love yourself some margarita and you want to support, right? Before it's available, because why would you get a book ages before it's available, like a few months? But it's number one to support us and what we're doing here, by us, I mean me and my little team. But also, also to sweeten the deal for you and to make my publisher happy. And that means you get book number three. I will give you, and never before seen live I did with my cohort about being unbothered, questions and answers, all of these things. One hour long video of me answering intimate questions and talking to the women who did one of my master classes. Okay? So you go in there, you click on it, you pre-order because you're going to get the book anyway, right? Like I mean, if you want to get the book, if you don't want to get the book, don't worry, just listen to the book. But if you want to get the book, then you also get to watch this, which I love to watch, you know, behind the scenes and all this stuff in Q&A. So do that for me. I'm so excited. This book is genuinely going to be a life changer because the first book I wrote because I, you know, I got offered a deal and I didn't know how to write it. I was like, yes, let's do it. And now I really sat down and I was like, let's break this unbothered thing down. Let me tell them what it is. Everything's in there. Everything I know is in there. Right. Let's move on with this podcast before my battery dies because everyone's asking about friendships. And honestly, sometimes it's more of a painful poignant point than even men can be. Because it feels so scaling when you are ignored in a friendship group when a friend is acting weird, it feels so do or die. And the reason when a man rejects you, it feels so poignant and painful is because literally being not pleasing to a man is anthropologically painful for us because we're thinking, wow, he's not going to protect me when the lion comes, right? Because I'm not pleasing to him. And the same with friendships. If you are ill spoken of in the village, if friends don't like you anymore, no matter how much of a bad mammogram, you are even me girls, I feel some type of way. It hurts when you're not liked, right? Because then you literally feel on a real level like you're not going to survive because you feel like you're going to be left out alone with the monkeys and the wolves. So let's break it down. So when a friendship causes you to have to detach, it's not with bitterness, but with beauty, love, and joy through seven points. Point number one, not everyone is meant to come with you along your life. And that's not a failure. I've even started to see marriage that way. And I don't mean this. I've started to see marriages away from my marriage or anyone's marriage around me. But the longevity of something does not quantify the beauty of something. You see what I'm saying? To assume longevity means loyalty is to assume the wrong thing. There are reasons and there are seasons and in reality, friendships are often seasonal. Those people almost like in some kind of elf quest, journey, walking dead, all of the shows that you watch, they guide you to a certain season, they teach you something and then you jog on your merry way. And if you never jog on and you never move on, then you never grow. It also creates divergence and inseparation, which is not necessarily betrayal. But it has served its purpose, dynamics, historically women led different roles in each other's lives. For seasons, sometimes it's a friendship group at university, then it's a mother's group, then it's a friendship group at work. And you feel sick and sad and bad when it doesn't work or you're not invited somewhere or you're not prioritized, but really it's a sign of your growth. You are just not in that anymore. You are a butterfly. You have come out of the cocoon and they're like, bye butterfly and you're like, but I always saw them be your friend and of course you want to be their friend. I get it Becky, but it's not the time you've grown. Not every woman was meant to be an emotional mate to you. Some of them were just meant to be a support mate during a university years. During the time you dated a certain person and you had people in common. And growing someone does not mean you're cold or bad, but seeing the signs and knowing, okay, I've cocooned out of the situation is what we need to be very, very vigilant of. It means our nervous system values shifts and it can go along with it and it's a beautiful thing. Number two, the mistake that we make with friendships is trying to upgrade people to the next level, to the next level of membership. As opposed to reassigning them, you see, we're always trying to upgrade our relationships, our friendships with women as opposed to reassigning them to a different role, okay. Most pain comes from trying to change someone's capacity. In my book, that's coming out that you're going to pre-order. Oh, don't pre-order, just do what you want to do, Jessica Rebecca. Most pain comes from it. Talk about it in the book is putting a circle one level friend. This is the type of friend who's going to come to you at night if you're crying, who's going to fold everything, come to you, fly to a different city. And level two friend is a really good friend, you're going to meet up, you're always going to meet each other's lives, you're going to be on the phone. And a level three friend is a community friend, maybe a school drop off friend and you mix up the levels. You thought your level three friend was your actual level two friend and you keep getting upset when you're not invited out to all of the things, right? But that's because you mixed up the levels. We keep asking the same friend for something that they're not willing to give and they don't have the capacity to, like they don't want to catch up every day or they do want to catch up every day and you can't. And the capacity is mixed. People don't fail you, you misplaced them. If it was a utility item, like a bottle opener and you keep using it as a knife and you keep thinking why is this knife so shitty? Well, it's actually a bottle opener, babe. It's a bottle opener. Not every friend is a confidant, not every friendship is safe in that way to hold you in the space. So not every friend is meant to celebrate you or they didn't like my stuff on Instagram. Do you know what? I'm not going to lie. I often am on Instagram and I just don't like stuff because I'm scrolling and then my child talks to me. It's not a hate crime to you, okay? I've often misplaced friends because I am someone who will tell you the real and raw stuff and I even had a friendship break up many, many years ago because I took her lack of divulgence of her ins and outs, or to noity gritty and personal life as an affront to me because I thought she wasn't that close to me and we didn't have a master falling out but I was like, wow, she's not really my friend, right? Wrong. Margarita, you were wrong. Change the role, not the person. Everyone serves their role. It's not like a husband, you don't get one. Everyone has their role. Let them do their role. Femal friendships breaking up hurt because women bond through emotional access. That is how we bond with each other and with men. Anthropologically and psychologically, women bond through sharing, vulnerability, proximity always being in each other's ear in each other's life. So when a friendship ends, it feels like social rejection so you feel like you're literally going to, you know, back around the fire, you know, when we were sitting there as women, if they stopped speaking to you, your children wouldn't be looked after and you wouldn't be able to manage, right? That's why it cuts so deep. A trigger's abandonment ruins with you, which it would have been so serious, it would have been life and death, especially for women who value harmony and belonging and being a part of something, a friendship ending is not a referendum on your value. It does not mean you're going to croak and die. It just means that it's over and that's okay because those people do not hold your value and there's other people out there for you. Therefore, wanting someone, a friendship group to want you back is not self-respect. Chasing friendships hurts as much as chasing men because you are trying to get someone's attention who's not as interested in you as you are. over-explaning, over-thinking, over-texting, over-organizing. I'm guilty of trying to organize everything for everybody. That's what I do in friendships. And accommodating is still an anxious attachment style. So if you think you've healed in the men department and you haven't with the friends, that means you have not healed. Mutual desired relationships matter. So if you're texting her a lot and she's not texting you back, start mirroring the amount of attention she gives you, not in a bit away, but in a self-fulfilling prophecy way. See how much interaction she really wants and reciprocity. You don't convince someone to value you. You just meet them where they are. Stop negotiating closeness and guilt tripping. This one I never do, but I see a lot of women do, oh, but I did this for you. Why don't you do this for me? Why do you come over to my house? All of this stuff. Let people opt in and opt out cleanly. The nicest friends to have are the ones who let you opt in, opt out and are always happy to see you because you have many friends again. This is not like a relationship. Number five, you need different buckets for different friends. This is very practical and it's very, very soothing. Okay, the buckets in a circle. In number one, emotionally safe reciprocity will come and help you bury the body type of friend. Number two, social friends, fun, light, not much depth, but will be there and really, really like you. Number three, history, friends, shared paths, but limited understanding of each other's life now, but an appreciation of what you used to have and happiness to see each other when you do. Situational friends, school work, season-based, like I said, university, mother, school, school, things like that. You cannot expect an inner circle friend to be the same as a situational friend. And if you do that, my friend is where you're making the rookie era. Why this helps is a stop- resentment. It stops over misting in the wrong buckets. It stops emotional confusion. You know where they are. You put the flies over there, the honey over there, and they're not spreading all over each other. Okay, expect based on the bucket, not on your expectations of what you would do. Clearly state what the bucket is. And if you get the bucket wrong and you thought they were in a circle friend and it turns out they're a social friend, move them from bucket to bucket as opposed to demanding that they become the type of friend that you thought they were. Six, let it go, doesn't require information or drama or closure or this conversation that you always want to have. And it's a very, very calming thing to understand. You don't need to announce about Andrea over your departure. You don't need to explain that you've grown out of what this is. You don't need to go distant and quiet and all like making a point from a feminine energy lens. You don't need to announce them bombastically like cancel the friendships. You can easily just contact less, a little bit less, have a coffee, then you know, have a lunch, then have a coffee, then a little bit less, a little bit less, a little bit less. You can still have a nice memory about the person. You reduce your access. Don't reduce your dignity by flying off the handle and demanding something for a person who doesn't want to give it. You know what I mean? Just allow people to leave your life. Stop being such an emotional octopus and clinging onto them and watching them drown. Number seven. And this came to me at the big old age of 30, whatever. Couple of years ago. The goal is it more friendships. It's safer once. Depth over value. Okay. Regulation. Happiness over validation and fitting into some kind of circle that nobody cares about in the end. Like we only live once. Nobody remembers even the greatest people of all time. Why would they remember you? I know that might sound a little bit harsh, but soothing to me, right? Some dumb friendship who cares and quality in the moment now over nostalgia. I don't try and be friends with someone who you're not vibing with anymore. Yeah? You don't need to be liked by everyone. Dearest, you need to feel calm around people that you keep around you. And you need to be liked by a few truly, then by everybody. Because if you're liked by everybody, then you stand for nothing. Be honest, be regulated, let people come and go. It's not that deep understand the circles and have the best day. I love you lots of cherry tots. Bye.