Why Rob Iler Wanted Tom Whacked | Your Mom's House Ep. 832

Hey everybody, this is Sunday October 19th. I'll be in Hanover, Maryland. I have the hall at live during my come together tour. Then next week, I'm coming all across Indiana. Gary on October 23rd, West Lafayette on October 24th. And Fort Wayne on October 25th and Bloomington on October 26th. Get your tickets right now at TomSgr.com/tour. [MUSIC PLAYING] Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house. [MUSIC PLAYING] Now that the weather's finally cooling down, I want to take a second to talk about my go-to supplier when it comes to lighting up a cigar. Whether you're a seasoned smoker or you just want something to hold while you're hanging around a fire pit this fall, cigars international has you covered. I can't think of a better excuse to go outside, carve out some alone time. When you find yourself desperately in need of a break from any turkey day induced stress. As the industry leader cigars international enhances these moments with unbeatable deals so you can stock up or try something new without breaking the bank. They've even got free every day shipping, no codes, no minimums. You just buy the cigars and they show up. That's it. With cigars international's unbeatable deals and discounts, there's no better time to stock up and take advantage of what is arguably the best time of year to be a cigar guy. Use code YMH at checkout for 20% off your orders of $50 or more or visit cigars international.com/YMH. And the discount applies automatically some exclusions apply. - Hi, what's everybody? This is my camera. I'm Christine. Tim is out touring. Probably has a second family that he needs to support. But with me and his place is the fantastic robiler. Everybody, welcome. - Wow, thank you. You told me Tom was in rehab for eating disorder. (laughs) - That's right. I forgot about that. Yeah, I didn't want to put it out there. But yes, yes. - People have noticed. - I have to say. - Yeah, yeah. - See, I thought it was just him leading up to having an affair and abandoning me 'cause that's where my mind goes 'cause I'm mentally normal. - But he could do that fat. He has enough money where he could just be fat and fuck. - Oh, that's such a good point. - Yeah. - That's so true, but I've always heard that it's like when guys change their appearance and stuff, like that's the first step, so I don't know. - Yeah, I'm good luck with that. - Give her shit. - Yeah, but the good thing is he's just in rehab. Who cares? No, I don't care. I'll be single forever. Anyway, if Tom and I go split spill, I'm just gonna have more cats and dogs. - Yeah, well, you could live the life, we call it the lifestyle. - The lifestyle. - You know, like how the swingers have the lifestyle? - Oh yeah. - I have the single lifestyle, we call it the lifestyle. - The lifestyle. - The lifestyle. Yeah, where you don't have to, me and any were just talking about, where you don't have to worry about other people's feelings. - That must be nice. - You don't have to meet people's friends and pretend to like them, which is the number one worst part. - If you think that's the worst part, or learning their like triggers and what makes them sad and what upsets them. - No, 'cause that I could at least get into, like I could find it interesting that someone's like crazy. Where when your friend is an asshole and I'm supposed to be like, oh, they're so funny. They're like, yeah, that's, no, that's great that they're like loud and like annoying and drunk and I think it's charming. - Yeah, it's so weird because I had an ex-boy friend whose friends were just awful people, but he was a really good person. And I've always thought about that for years. Like what was that guy doing with all these dirt bags? - What do you think that is? - I don't fucking know. I don't know. Maybe he felt that he wasn't good enough to have good friends or maybe just like the excitement of dirt bags. 'Cause I don't know, dude. I don't know. It's like, and let's call him. - Do you think that's what he was with you? (laughing) - Well, I'm for sure mentally ill. (laughing) - Yeah. - All right, well, thanks for being here and taking Tim's place and it's gonna be fun 'cause you really know the show. For those of you who don't know, Rob Eiler is a mommy. That's how we connected in the first place many years ago. You like your mom's house, you listen to your mom's house. - Yeah, I moved to Austin, that's true. - Yeah, I'm a bit of a fan. - That's right. - That's true, yeah. - I'm not today pal. - But the real honor is that when you have to do a solo show, you call me and when Thomas do a solo show, he calls me. That's an honor. Like just having me on is one thing, but when you're like, oh man, we gotta do this with no one, can you come do this? I'm like, yeah, it's fucking me. It's great, it's a true honor. - 'Cause you're a soul mommy. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You're definitely a mommy by soul. Also, I don't know if you do know this. The fart mic has returned. So if you feel the need to fart, go ahead. Okay. - I'll try and muster one up. I had short ribs last night. - Well, there you go. - So I'll try and, yeah. - Come on up. - All right, let's do what you could do. - Let's start with this beautiful, beautiful. Beautiful. (laughing) - A fat woman is the, you know, equivalent of what a block do these. (laughing) - Yeah, nice mommy. - Time it, time it. - We're in the post. (laughing) - Welcome to your hometowns. - Yeah. - Welcome to your hometowns. - Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah. - And Christina please. - Yo, shit. (upbeat music) (sniffing) (sniffing) (sniffing) (sniffing) (sniffing) (sniffing) (sniffing) (sniffing) - If that woman, what does she say? Let's do it again. - A fat woman is the, you know, equivalent of what a block do these. - I mean, what do you think? - It's not untrue. - I hate to say this. - Yeah, I mean, 'cause listen, what I think is they both have their, they could still both do well somehow out there. Like, you know, broke eyes do well, fatrix do well. - Exactly. - They still somehow, you know, they can pull. - Fat broads. - Yeah, but you're, yeah. Okay, okay, this is a good topic. Let me go there. So I started working out at a gym. And I used to work out at a weight lifter's gym, where there was like toothless men, guys missing limbs, like, like war veterans. And it was so fucking fun. Like, I really liked it. - This is here? - Yeah, it is. - Wow. - It's like heavy metal and murals of like skulls and shit. And I was like the only lady there. - Wow. - And I, I was catching some looks, you know what I mean? And I was like, wow, I still got it. And now I go to like-- - You could do it with your legs. - I know. - Walking in here. - Your legs and your teeth. - Yeah. - And now I go to like a hot girl gym, where it's all like super nice older hot ladies and they're all in their Lulu lemons and they don't have to cover their bellies or their buds. And I'm like, oh, okay. Now I see where I am in like the pecking order. - So there's no men allowed? - No, they can be, they are men there. But it's where, when I go, it's like hot, skinny, like, ladies. - We don't talk about it. - Yeah. I gotta hear where it is. But the currency totally is, I feel like, you got-- So at the point being like, yeah, I could pull guys, but they're probably not, you know, super duper if I'm like super husky, right? - I think social media has made people such assholes that like even if you're fat or broke or whatever, all you have to do is be like fucking cool and like understanding and not an asshole now. And I think you could do pretty well. Like, when I was younger and everything like I wanted a girl who was like, I would see my friends get a girlfriend who like wasn't very hot, but they were like, no, but she's the best. And I'd be like, what? Like I didn't even get it. But now that I'm older, I'm like, all I want is a woman who's like, hey, you don't have to come to my friend's birthday with me. That's all I want to hear. Like I don't care about anything else. If she's like, hey, I want a girl who hates going to things as much as I do. So she'll be like, hey, I have to go to this thing. You can stay home. But she can be fat. How fat? Well, but I'm just saying, listen, I'm lunatic, but there's, she can do, but I'm not even like doing well, like as far as like for a woman. But like, I think a woman can be fat and still do very well. Yeah. That's interesting. But how fat are we talking about here? Like just, what's fat? I don't know, but that's the thing. The standards are so different here. Have you ever heard what Carl Oberfeld has to say on it? Naomi, go ahead and play. It'll be our case of women to be fat in the future. I'm afraid, yes. But not okay now. No. There he goes. Anyway, that's all he says. He's quote, fat phobic by today's standards. But in like the early 2000s and before, he was like right on, you know? Listen, I think it's great to be fat. The only reason not to be fat is because you want to attract a mate. After that, it's like who, like sometimes like all gain, like, you know, a few pounds in the belly. And like, I don't give a fuck. Like I just, it's more so my face. Like I have the Irish round face that like one, if I gain five pounds, it looks like it all goes to my face. Of course. Look, nobody likes to be, I don't ever like to be over. But I will say, and I think that men behind closed doors, when they're being honest and they talk about their wives, they're like, dude, I just don't like it if she's fat. Am I right? Am I fucking please? I've never been married. I don't know. I don't know. If you actually just-- I don't know if you just love your wife or whatever. She gains some pounds over, but I know like when you put it on. But listen, I think like, I don't know if a girl's a little overweight, but she's fucking awesome. Like I take that now that I'm 40, when I'm 20, it was like, no, I want hot and don't care if she's crazy. Where now I'm like, yeah, but I'm also in the, in the camp of like, I wouldn't date someone who doesn't go to the gym. But that's not because I want you to be skinny. It's because I want you to get your fucking anger out somewhere else for you. Just not at home. Yeah, I want you to get that out. So like you're, you know, like, I'm way more less likely to like argue after I leave the gym. Oh yeah, it gets completely balances your life out. You have to get that out. Yeah. See, I never cared about weight or, or less muscularity with men. Is that, is that the word? I don't know. I never, it's not smart. Yeah, I mean, I like these fucking, I was like, these guys, these like, fake, like frail worker nose. Yeah, like Dave gone like skinny, Peter Murphy skinny or just like. Yeah, that's, that's, yeah, that's weird. Yeah, I know. I think I am a femboy. I think I might be gay man woman. I've went am I. I don't know. So it's slowly happening, even here where I live, where the sun is going to start cool and off. And it's going to get a little bit colder and I can't wait. Listen, if you go to Helix, take their quiz, where you say your sleeping position is, what your favorite sleeping temperature is, and if you sleep with somebody or solo, they have cooling mattress covers for hot sleepers, which huge fan of, and they have extra memory foam padding for side sleepers, some of your side sleepers. Who are you people? Helix also sells bed frames, pillows, sheets, and a ton of other bedding options. 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See, and I, my first sexual dream was about John Goodman. I was like 13 or 12 and I just loved. I've always had a crush on John Goodman. And so when I met Tommy, he was heavier and I was like, like it was a deeply rooted. She's like shameful, weird thing that I kind of liked husky gents. I can just picture you calling your girlfriend after the first date and be like, "God, he's like a young John Goodman." And they're like, "Well, but you're like, I think I'm going to marry this guy." Oh, I knew I was going to. I just, I loved him. I just loved it. Well, look at John Goodman in 1962. You go to that one on Facebook. He looks like Ralph Machio. He's really so adorable. Wow. Oh my God. And he looks like a, who is he? No, that's not him. That's a lie, that's a lie, that's a lie. Okay, yeah, that, I mean, I was thinking that I was like, who's played Frodo? I was going to say it looks like him, yeah. Frodo turned into John Goodman. That's so stupid. Well, we've got to see John Goodman as a kid now, do we have that? Well, he looked like, oh, I bet he was adorable. Is John Goodman still alive? You know when people are Googling that for you, it's like, yeah. Oh, he's cute, see? He's just so American and so like, he just seems like he'd protect you. You know people who, who, who Google is John Goodman still alive. It takes them like 10 minutes to Google it because they're the people who, like, love to Rosanne like 30 years ago and now they're like, hold on, let me see. They're like, is? Is? Is? I think people still secretly love the show Rosanne. Oh, of course. I don't think it's a secret. Yeah. Look at him. So handsome. The Big Lebowski, come on. I don't know. I always like heavier guys even growing up. My dad's better friends. I just like those old Hungarian guys with bellies. And to me, it's kind of like a, like, I don't, you know, like, they're not so uptight. They're not so, so disciplined. Like, they can enjoy life or something. Maybe that's, or you just slabs and maybe they're not afraid that I'm a slab. Maybe that's the truth to it is a my standards get to be lowered, which is really the best part. I don't have to try so hard. Yeah, they're not super anal about stuff. Yeah. I would fucking really hate that. Now, speaking of dating, you're in the dating world. I've got some gals for you. Oh, okay. Let's take a look at these ladies. You tell me if any of these ring your bell. Here we go. Hi, I'm Ashley Glendon, number nine, six, three, three, six. I really want some fun and positive people to help pass my time. I love to laugh and I have a spunky attitude. Don't be shy. Hit me up on jpay.com and big shout out to person connect. Can I tell you, yes. Yes. I'm a sucker. Listen, if I, if I wasn't, oh, shit, sorry. Oh, no. Oh, oh, is it, it's still going. She gave you a body shot, dude. Wow. She gave you full fucking. See, if I, if I didn't know better, I'd be all in, but I know better. You know what I mean? Like, I know that this woman will try and like, she'll come around my life and all that stuff. Yeah. But if I didn't know that, I'd be in, I'd be like, who is this angel? Because you could meet her out in, in a bar or whatever, in the street. Yeah. Well, I can't. Yeah, not me. Okay, so, so here's the deal. Do you want to know what she did? Ooh. Like, I tell you what her offense is, or do you want to guess? And we'll see if that makes me like her more or not. I'm going to say she, she did something with a guy where they like robbed somebody. It's always a guy, right? I think so too. Like, none of these chicks are initiating. Well, some of them, some of them, but this one just seems, she's showing guy hungry. So I think maybe that let her down the wrong path. Guy hungry. You know, where other women, you just see a woman, it's like, ooh, she looks angry, she might have just beaten a woman up or beaten someone up, you know? Or beaten up parking lot attended to death, you know? Are you ready? Mm-hmm. This is good. She's good. First of all, here's the good news. She's out in February of 2028. I have an issue. Go ahead. This is from an app where you date inmates. They shouldn't put the word pay in the name of the app. J pay. No, you can give them money. But that's what I'm saying. That should, it should come as like, oh, actually, you know what? You could also send me money. But when the name of the app is jay, like, at least lure me down a thing of like sexy in, you know, like, lonely, what was the reason for that? Do you guys remember this thing? I don't want pay to be the fire. Is J pay? Yeah, like, I think he's saying like, it's very forward to just start with the money. It might as well be like, hey, sucker. The name of the app. I now agree. They should have, but then look what they call like, what's a Facebook for criminals? Lonely, lonely woman locked up locked up, locked up broad. I don't know anything, but like, where's the money? J, I agree. That's the horrible name. This is where you put money on their commissary. Right. That's, that's not where the dates are. Are you ready to hear what this broad is? Okay. Controlled substance possession of, yeah, big deal. And grand theft by any common law, larceny, embezzlement, extortion, or receiving stolen goods. I mean, that's not receiving stolen goods. Who doesn't do that? I've grown up. Like, hey, this fell off the back of a truck. What are you going to do? Say no to a criminal. You got to take it. I know. Grand theft by any common law, larceny, I'm not sure what that means. What does that mean? Have you ever gotten one of them to face time in? No. I would love to talk to her. So, so actually is definitely, that's a thumbs up still. I, oh, all day. If, if she, if she was anywhere else, like, let's say she was in like a, a nunnery and had this video, I'd be like, we got to break her out. We got to get her out. But knowing that she's in prison, she'll probably try and like, take my money and ruin my life. I, I instantly go like, no, I can't, I can't Oh, so here's which she did unlawfully. taking, caring away, and permanently depriving the owner of personal property that exceeds a certain monetary value. Okay, big whoop. So she stole something from some dude or whatever. You could, she could have been mad at somebody even like I'm taking the dog. - That's stupid, I agree. She's minor. I think Ashley's still a good candidate for you. I liked how she backed up and gave you a full body shot. Appropower earlier a discussion of like, you know, fat women are like broke men. She's showing you the goods. She's saying I'm thin everywhere. So she's not luring you in. 'Cause on the profile, on the dating apps. - I'm thin everywhere. - Yeah, like, on the dating apps. Can't they lure you in with like a nice face pick, but then the body could be totally different. - They can lure you in with a full body pick, and then you see and you're like, this is not the body in the pick. - Really, they do totally different bodies. - You can do full, yeah, they can trick you in any, they take a picture in like a black shirt and pants in front of a black wall. And you're like, I think, I think that's all right. Yeah, and then you meet up and you're like, oh man, good thing this wasn't dinner, you know? - So what do you do with them like coffee or you do like a fast, oh, you don't drink coffee then? - Yeah, we'll do whatever. But then, you know, there are some times where you know right away like this is gonna, like I remember the last girl who I dated for like a long period of time we met on an app and right away I was like, no, I know, this is legit. And like, yeah, I got on a plane to go meet her. - Where? - 'Cause it was Miami. - Wow. - And? - Yeah, the best, it was incredible. But we just, you know, it was one of us was gonna have to move and it just didn't feel right and it was unfortunate. But yeah, now she's in prison. - Yeah, that was her, that's absolutely right. - Let's see this one. - But it does feel like she's blowing these kisses to everybody, which I don't like, I'm jealous. You know, I'm a jealous kind of guy. - Yep, I understand what you're saying. Guys want to think that you're gonna give the goodies only to them. - Yeah. - Only to Rob, the kisses are only for Rob. - Yeah. - The showing off of the body is only for you. - Yeah, I don't even like when a girl on a dating app, like their first thing is like, let's not chat, let's just meet right away. I'm like, that's not easy. - Not exactly that. - Yeah, I want to make sure we're not wasting time. Like, right away, I know I'm like, hey, do you drink wine every night? 'Cause if he has goodbye, I can't, I can't do it. Like, I just, I don't drink and I don't want somebody who's drunk all the time. - Oh, it's time, it's snow time. - So like, I have to get those things out of the way. We're like, a lot of these women are just like, nope, we meet right now or nothing. I'm like, goodbye. I can't, 'cause you know what it is? They've gone down the path, a lot of them say like, I don't want to pen pal. They've gone down the path before where a guy just like, talk to them forever and then never met them. So now they're like, I won't even talk to you. Like, just meet me or nothing. - Wow. - Which I'm the opposite. I'm like, no, I need to know you're not crazy before I go and meet you. Because I'm not dying for a relationship. So if you're like crazy or in prison or blowing everyone kisses or what, like I can't, if you commit a grand larceny, I might be an L for me. - Wow. Fascinating man. - Yeah, it's brutal out there. - It is, I just sound okay. So here's Kylie Michelle. - Hot name. - Yep, here she goes, let's see. - Hi, my name's Kylie Jackman. My number's 110-819. I'm going to quote the telewoman's correctional center. I have blue eyes and thick thighs. - Okay. - He can get me up on J.P. - You know, I'm scared to like really say, absolutely not to some of these women. 'Cause I'm like there, whoever, somebody might come and get me, but you know who she, and listen, I don't want to be rude, but she kind of reminds me of is the person who remember back in the day, there was that toy that you would get and it was like a bald guy and you would put the hair on him. - Oh my God, yeah, I have so many kids. - What was that? - The magnet, it's the magnet. - What is that called? - When you put the, that's-- - Will he, will he? - Yeah, will he, will he? - Yeah, can you look, can you get a picture of that up? Because I'm getting strong vibes from her. - I know you're talking about, it's the nose. - Yeah, see when it has the no hair? - Yes. - Yeah, that's kind of some-- - And so-- - Similar as that. - Not to be rude, but I just want to say that's not my type. - Yeah. - Yeah, will he, will he, is not something I-- - Hey, don't you dare put down Kylie. 'Cause I will tell you that Kylie, first of all, she's wife material. I think Kylie, especially at a man of your age and where you're at, she might be your fucking writer, but she knows what I'm saying, like, and judging by these, I'm gonna go with the, she's like a writer died. Do you wanna know what she did? - Well, here's the thing I think you wanna write her die who's like a nine writer died. 'Cause if you go too far-- - You're too scammy. What are you talking about? You want that girl? - No, 'cause then if you're like, oh, this fucking girl, like I went to go get a, to the gym and she wasn't nice to me and then she goes and like cuts her. And then you're like, oh, now I gotta be putting stuff in her J pay fucking every week 'cause she cut her for me. - Oh, I see. - The nine writer die, a 10 writer die is a little too-- - Right, 'cause you're saying that she's gonna be too protective and too invested in the relationship, she doesn't wanna, she doesn't wanna lose you 'cause she's so clinging, right? - You did what to my man, like I want, I want, I want calm. But what, yeah, what did she commit, maybe-- - You're gonna love this. - Totally wrong. - No, you're gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it. Because Kylie is like, this is like a nothing burger, controlled substance possession of and burglary out. - Oh, I'm so sorry for judging you. - Yeah, that's like, that's a nothing burger and she's out in 2026. - Oh, congrats. - On good behavior. - Hopefully we'll see ya. - I'll be honest, mommy's, I'm not exactly watching. 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Drugs and not rob people? - Yeah, that's the whole point. - Yeah, of course. - You get gacked and you steal, right? - Yeah, you burgl. - Yeah, you do some blow in your burgl. - I don't know. I don't know. I don't think, okay, whatever. - No, I think she's probably a sweetheart. She's just, she's just, unfortunately, not my type, yeah. The first one was more. - Which is more aesthetically, yeah. - I see where you're at. - Yeah, snob. - Hey, what's up? My name's Janelle Martinez. - Like it. - My number is 114-568. I'm located in Idaho. I'm looking for friends, good company. Someone to talk shit with, emotional and financial support. I'm here for a good time, not a long time. Okay, give me up on JP. - See, it's so hot the way she's holding the phone. - See, a lot of them, sometimes they're like a rapper. - That's so hot. - Yeah, they're kind of holding. - She's like, I want your money. - Yeah. (laughing) - She's very, yeah, she's, but listen, I gotta say, but maybe it's just good to be honest, but I don't like the approach of like, I want your money right away. It turns me off. Like, first 10 seconds, I was like, this could be the one and now it's just a no. - Yeah. Well, here's what I like about Miss Martinez. She had like the rhyme thing going, you know. - You're for a good time, not a long time. - Yeah, like I like when they're clever, she came up with that. That shows like she's got a brain on her, she's creative. - I don't know if she came up with that, but. (laughing) - Or maybe she adapted it and used it, and I really like that. She is a younger inmate. She's only 30 years old. - Looks great, baby. - She's got youth on her side. She's got looking, and she wants to have fun. - Great hair. - Great hair. - I like her a lot. Okay, do you want to know what she did? - Yeah, what she did. - This one's interesting. I've never even seen this. Martinez was found to be using mood altering substances for which she had no prescription and for which she received a class B disciplinary offense. What does this even mean? Found to be using mood altering substances. Aren't there all these cities where like people are like, we arrest people 37 times and they're fine. But then this girl is just like doing drugs who cares. Oh, here we go. Oh, sorry I should have kept reading. Yeah, the upside down phone said maybe she did a little. A little something we don't know. Can you guess what mood altering substance it was? What do you think? What do you think and she's doing? Oh, a botany that you get a full. Methamphetamine. And that Martinez test a positive for methamphetamine while in custody on her writer. Oh, in 2023 she was convicted of possession of heroin and fentanyl. Okay, now drugs, yeah. And then sure, true. Okay, maybe she deserves a little time out. Yeah, no, I think it's fun. But listen, fentanyl, I wasn't around in the, in my drug time wasn't fentanyl. Fentanyl looks real bad. Yeah, it's real bad. I don't know. It doesn't look like a, I don't know, like I know a lot of people who started out doing a drug were having fun and then it became bad. We're like, I don't know anyone who's like, dude, this fentanyl shit's awesome. And then it goes bad. Like it just seems like day one of fentanyl is as bad as the, the Brock bottom of everything else. Do you take fentanyl voluntarily or isn't it just in drugs now that like it's mixed in and it kills you? I thought that was both. But some people do it. Yeah, some people are doing it just for kicks. Well, I will say it is pretty spectacular when I broke my ankle. They gave me a fentanyl patch in the amber lamps. And I fucking really loved it. I was like, what is this? I think I've told you this before, but when I was going through my like, you know, getting off of drugs and all this stuff, I remember hearing all the stories. And there was one actor, wife and husband in Hollywood and their son was born, like, you know, probably had a really odd life the whole, like, growing up with parents who were famous and whatever. And he was 18 or whatever. He was such an addict that he threw himself down a flight of stairs to get in the ambulance to go to the hospital to get pain meds. That's like, you're really committed. Wow. Yeah. That's a, that's a real, wow. Yeah. That's so, that's interesting. I was reading this dog, this book about, um, for Marina. She's a fucking, would you look her up? She's a performance artist. Why can't I remember Marina? Marina Del Rey. Marina Del Rey. She's from like Belarus. Goddamn it. Anyway, she's from this old school communist country. I'm obsessed with her. Yeah. Yeah. Bromovich. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm reading her book or her autobiography. And she goes, when I was a little girl, I had a bleeding disorder and they put me in the hospital for, like, a month. You think it was the worst time of my life, but it was the best. They were so nice to me there. And my family had to be nice to me when they came to visit me and bring me sweets and toys. And I was like, oh, I totally understand that. Yeah, I'm like, I fucking wish I had gotten the hospital when I was a kid. Yeah, I did. I had such bad asthma that I would end up in the hospital, but I hated it. 'Cause you can't really like, you'd be in the, I didn't like being, as a kid, you want to run around. You don't want to be in like a hospital bed. It was brutal. I mean, they could, didn't they give you inhalers and stuff to prevent you from being hospitalized? You know what's so funny? He's like, now that I'm an adult and I'm like, how come I haven't had an asthma attack in 20 years? I'm like, oh, because when I was a kid, like, we just didn't listen. Like they were like, hey, you can't do this. You can't be around catch, can't be around adults. And you just, as a kid, you're not thinking about that all day. So like, you go to somebody's house, they have a cat. You don't know. Next thing you know, you're like, in the fucking hospital. And I remember we went to like a show one time that had like fake smoke and I ended up in the hospital. Oh my god. Yeah, it was all, I had such bad asthma. But my uncle also has asthma because we grew up in a fucking tiny apartment with everyone smoking cools. And we both have fucking horrible asthma. Yeah, my grandmother smoked, my great grandma smoked Paul Maul's and my grandma and grandpa smoked cools. And they would just change. Paul Maul. Let's bring those up. Let's take a look at Paul Maul's and cools. Cools are menthol. I remember that. Paul Maul. That's like, I think it's a red pack if I remember that. Yeah, with white, like a windmills on it or something. That is red pack, yeah. But that wasn't the one that she smoked. She smoked the one with no filters. Like that one, if you click on the one that the thing is on right now. Yeah, that's what she, that was always in the crib. Yeah. Wherever particular people congregate. Oh wow. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine just like sitting in the apartment smoking cigarettes with your son and his like wife all day with their kids all right. Like it must have been just so crazy. Such garbage. You know what else I look back on when I look at when I lived with my like grandparents and everything. Like, and maybe I'm wrong about this. But my memory is I didn't have one toy. Like I remember other times in my life where like you had these two. But I just remember like I had my own chair. It was like a neon little plastic chair that they would sit right in front of the TV. And I was just like, oh wow. There was just smoke in the room. Like and I was just sitting there watching TV all day. But I just don't like, I know there were times in my life where I had toys. But just that time where I lived with my grandparents. I don't think that they were like, oh, let's get him toys. I know. Like, let's say it was just like, no, they're oh my god. That apartment was you would lay in bed. So I slept on the pullout couch in between my grandma and grandpa. And you would hear as soon as like the lights would go off. It was like. Cook or I know it was it was mice. Cockroaches every and it was just the fuck. And then you would hear one get like caught on a trap. And my fucking grandparents would just sleep right through it. And I was in the middle of the fucking pullout couch. Just like, please, I want to be anywhere. And they didn't have the fucking, they didn't have remotes yet. So they had a block that sat over by the TV and you had to walk over and push. Because it was like, instead of just turning a thing. And I remember it being like, go change the channel. And like, it would just be like, oh, like, fine, we'll just watch this. And it was like, fuck, I don't want to watch this. And they had like this thing. You pushed these buttons down on the change the channel. That's old. Yeah. God, it sounds worse than communism. You guys sound more poor than my parents. It's funny. It's like, I look back on that. And I'm like, that was great. It was just like, I remember a bedtime was really not great and scary and everything. But like, up until that, it was, my grandma was the best. She loved you. She loved me, but also like, you know, my parents were very young. So like, it didn't feel like they were passing on these like life lessons to me. Where my grandma would be like, no, you don't do that this way. You do it this way. And then I would do something a different way. And it would be easier. And I'd be like, wow, that's so nice. We're like, my parents were 18. So like, when they were, when I was four, they were like 22. I think about me when I was 22. I didn't have a single lesson to pass to a four year. Yeah, I knew nothing. Here's what you drink. Yeah. And especially like, I wouldn't know even less if I got pregnant at 17 or 18. And then I don't know if my mom even finished high school because she was pregnant. And it's like, that must have been so crazy. But she knew to make you an actor. Well, she, somebody on the street was like, this guy should be an actor. And she was like, oh, it's going on additions and see what happens. Amazing. Amazing. Yeah. Isn't it wild to think like you were in that I, because I think I look at the life that my kids have today. And like, my youngest is seven now. And I'm, I'm like, Julian, when I was your age, I was already like, I was on my own, bro. Like, I could already use the stove. I was cooking. I was alone a lot. And he's like, really? Is that true? I'm like, yeah. Our parents didn't give up. Yeah. There was no idea of like, you know, someone would call CPS on you or whatever. They just left you there. You know, if you were a latchkey kid, it was a wild. Or even my dad, like, partying, like, like I'd wake up in the middle of the night. And you're like, who's in the house? What's happening? Oh, yeah. Who is this drunk people? It's awful. See, with us, it was more like letting people stay. Like, it wasn't like random people would just pop in. But it was like, oh, like, this is, this person, this person, this person, they're staying with us for months. And you're just like, oh, okay. Yeah. And the apartment? And the apartment. But the thing that, like, I do, like, when I look back with my mom, and I'm so grateful for, is like, when I hear people who were like, yeah, my mom never said she loved me. I'm like, woof. That's got to fuck you up. Because at least my mom was always like, I love you the most. You know? She'd be like, I love you, you know? Where I'm like, God, I can't imagine, like, for 18 years, never hearing your parent be like, I love you. Annie? You think you and I are pretty equal on this one? Yeah. I haven't, you know, I didn't hear my dad say any words for, like, 10 years. So, yeah. I love you wasn't on the top of this. Yeah. I don't think we said that very often either. Me and my dad say, I love you to each other, like, once a year, when something bad happens. Yeah. I think that's generally a little more. Yeah. You just don't, but I don't want him, I don't want him to say I love you to me all the time. I'm so, I remember feeling so scared of having a real conversation with my parents. Like, the thought would make me nauseous. If one of them would be like, let's, let's sit down and talk. Like, first of all, that never really happened. But I think the thought of it makes me want to puke. Like, that level of intimacy with these folks, like, I don't know. Yeah. I'm all right. I'm good. Yeah. Like, my dad, like, I don't think of it. What are you trying to, what is this? You know, where are we talking? Yeah. Like, what did you see the game yesterday? You know, like, oh, yeah. It's like the game. Yeah. It's sucked on. I can't know. It's so much better. But I also always think about, like, you know, growing up. growing up, it was very much like as soon as you sat till like I haven't seen somebody as soon as you sit, you bring up bad stuff. - I hate that shit. - That's how we always were. It was like, oh, fuck it. Like this is New York City, like this fucking traffic. Somebody just fucking did this and you're like, oh yeah, you know what somebody fucking did to me? And then like you just commiserate. - Yep. - You know, it's like, oh this is bad thing. We're now like, when I see people to how are you and they're like, you know, things are good. You know, that's great, like it's great to hear that. - That's totally the Hungarian way too. It's like you have to talk about everything that's awful in your life straight away. And I fucking hated that. Like when we go visit relatives in Budapest and you sit down on the hard fucking kitchen with an furniture and then, wow, you know, Dundi has his heart problems. And then, you know, Gabor has his problems. And I'm like, I don't want to fucking hear this. I don't want to hear any of your problems. Your problems make my digs off to quote my husband. - Yeah. And also like sometimes it's okay if the people are funny. Like when you're with funny people and they bring up their problems. - That's different. You were in it, but when it just like, - Yeah, it's down. - He's not working again. Like we're just counting down the days until he's hard to give us out. Like, and it's like, oh, you're worried that he might die and miss all of this. - Yeah. - Like, you know, this awfulness, like it's so fucking horrible. - I know, kill me. Okay, here's Sarah. Are you ready? - Oh, more ladies. I love this. Yeah, she's hot. Hold on. - Hi, my name is Sarah Edwards. IDOC is one, three, three, four, one, nine. I'm looking for someone. There's over a male about, in his mid 40s, who wants to get to know me. I'm really interesting to talk to and I'm really fucking funny. And I have pre-bored in June or July and then I see commission in September. So I'm thinking I'll probably be out by September. I'm looking forward to getting to know someone who wants to stay in contact with me. Thank you. - I don't choose saying I have pre-bored. - Pre-bored, like, like the airport. - Travel to get to get to the airport. - That's the worst. Yeah, yeah, I don't want to get to that. - Cause you're like traveling. - You don't want anything to do. - If I give you my phone right now and give you the dating app and scroll through the first 10 girls, I guarantee you at least seven say their whole personality is traveling. - What is that? - I don't understand. I hope you're ready to go. I hope I can work from anywhere and I hope I'm an adventure girl and I love this and I hope you're ready to, no, I'm not. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for any of it. - I'm not ready to do it. - And you know what, I felt that way for years and I haven't budged even a little bit. It just makes me angry and angry every time I see. And I've gotten to the point where I see a woman and she's beautiful. I bet we would get along. But her number one thing is it's like an emoji of a tree on a clump of sand and it's like, I hope you're ready to go. I don't want to go. Your whole personality is getting away. - Getting away from your life. So what's wrong with your life? And also who's paying for the traveling? Is she paying for the traveling? Does she expect you to pay for the traveling? - I'm just sitting on planes. - I know, I've done it for fucking 20 years. - Airport, stocks. - All of it is, like you just said, makes my dick soft. Like oh, look we're in the airport. Like, I get the same feeling being in an airport as they do when you're in a hospital. - Yeah. - Like when you're, as soon as you go through those doors and you're just like, oh, like I don't breathe as easy. Like the whole thing is just like, oh, 'cause like you're getting on that plane. They're shutting that door. It's all. - Oh, it's terrible. And then you're totally out of control. They don't give a shit if the plane comes or goes. They don't care about you in your life. They don't give a fuck. - My OCD going through though. - Yeah, me too. I can't take the lack of control. It bothers me. Okay. So what do you think she did? - Ooh, hmm, hmm. - Yeah. - See, I don't know, I'm just. - Like when you look at her. - I don't think she's anything too bad. - Right, 'cause she seems so gentle. She seems like a first grade teacher. Like she's so chill. She says she's got a good sense of humor. - What did she do? I don't know. I don't think it's anything. It doesn't feel like it's anything that would really bother me too much. What'd she do? - It's not controlled substance possession of. - That's fine. - Why are you so tall? - She just me and didn't get caught. - I didn't get it. - She got caught. - Drone on sucks. - Yeah. - But it's also like if you're getting caught with drugs, you are doing something else. Like what are you doing? Because who gets, who just gets caught with drugs? Like who's like, I was walking home yesterday. They fucking bagged me. Like they knew it was in my pocket. Like what are you doing to be caught? Like what are you in your car doing? Like why are you? I would love to know why they're caught. - Can you just do drugs at home? Or like if you just have drugs on you, it's like why would anyone know? - Yeah, that's so true. - All of my friends had drugs on them at all times when I was growing up in New York City. And once a year somebody would get caught because they were doing something else. - Yeah, just don't do anything else. - Yeah. - Just stay home when you're couching do drugs. - Yeah, it's awesome. But I guess maybe when you're doing those other drugs like the meth and stuff, it forces you off the couch and out. - That's a trick 'cause you're so motivated and inspired. You want to go and fuck shit up. That's why I would never touch those uppers, man. - No, I was a big painkiller guy. You just sit on your couch. - That's my jam. - I forget if I told you but like the arm of my couch where I kept the ash tray was hard. Like you could go because of years of just sitting there playing online poker and smoke cigarettes and take painkillers. And when you ash and like if it would miss the thing, it would just land on the thing and just became rock hard. Like this arm of the couch was a totally different color than the other arm of the couch. - Yeah. - That's my imperfect. - Yeah. - It's so unattractive. - I go down too. I don't want to be up. I've already got enough anxiety in my life. - Yeah, I'm always looking for things to calm me down. And that's when a woman is like, what are you looking for in a partner now? I'm like someone who could calm me down. - Yeah. - I don't want somebody who's gonna add pressure to my, like I'm not looking for, like there are people who like I have a friend. Dude, if I, it's so illegal that I don't know if I could even tell the story on this podcast with my friend. I don't know if I could do it. I guess I can do it, right? - Well, we'll just pull it out if we can. - Yeah, I don't know. Well, I don't know. He was dating a girl from another country. And like basically right before like Trump was coming in, the people in her country told her like if you, if you ever want to get to America, it's now or never. - Oh, smart. - And she did it. And like the, and he's like I'm addicted to the chaos. She brings to my life that like I was talking to her in another country and then all of a sudden she was like living on a boat near my house. Like I just can't say too much because it's like, and he's like I'm so addicted to this drama that she brings it. I'm like I couldn't be more opposite. Now like I'm like I don't even, I want someone who just brings nothing but like calm. - I'm not chill. - I'm under the same way. Like Tom Segero is practically asleep. And I like that. - Yeah, that's gotta be. - He's just fucking, and sometimes I have to touch and make sure he's still alive. And that brings me like, oh thank God. - When is he the most animated with you? - With me? - Or like you know you see him the most. So like when do you see him the most? Like wow look at him, he's full of personality right now. - I'll tell you, the only time and in 20 years that he's really been like just over the moon is when he was working on that movie this summer. - Really? - He would work, I mean you know, you know the days that are like 12, 14 hour days come home fully happy, fully energized, thrilled, best mood. And then that mood lasted for like a month after he wrapped. He was so happy to be an actor. I think he really loved to act. - When I was doing Tom's Netflix show I've never been more angry in like 20 years. (laughing) - You hated it. - I remember being in the shower. - You're so good at it too. - I remember being in the shower at like 5 a.m. one day and just thinking about killing Tom. Like in the shower and when I saw him in the hair and makeup trailer I said you know what I did? My whole shower this morning. I thought about different ways to kill you. And he loved it. He was like I swear it was the only thing getting me through. Like my whole body gets sick when I have to set an alarm for like 4.45 a.m. I'm just not that and I know it's like you're spoiled, you're this? Yes, like I just I can't, I can't do it. I'm not a fucking farmer. Like I can't wake up at 4.45. But it's not pleasant and I don't know if anybody's body ever really truly gets, I don't know, gets used to it 'cause when I was doing the road a lot and you'd have to take that first flight out from California to the east coast and I would be up at like 3.34 in the morning get on that 6 a.m. or get across the country to like kinetic it, fucking wake up the next morning to do radio at 5 a.m. and you do that for two days and then you know it's such a grind and I always felt sick. I always felt like puking. You never quite rested and that's brutal. I have so much sympathy for garbage men who wake up at the butt crack. Why do they have to collect garbage at that early? Why can't they just do it? Why? Why so early? Unless traffic or something? I don't know. Is there a, can you Google that? What is the utility? 'Cause that's the thing. It's like I know people would be like, man, being a garbage man sucks. It's like I don't mind like work. I don't mind doing work. But once you say like, you got to be here at 6 a.m. I just completely shut down. I can't do it. To avoid rush hour traffic. I'm not sure. Yeah, which allows them to complete their roots faster. But what about it? I'd rather work all day. I'd rather do a job. This is so dumb. I know. I'd rather do a job that took eight hours if I could wake up when I want than do something that took an hour if I had to wake up at 5 a.m. Yeah, I feel that. I just can't, I can't be like, I've talked about this before, but like New York City cab drivers used to be the angriest people in the world. And they're not anymore because they're Uber drivers now and they get to make their own schedule. So when you used to drive and you would get the medallion or you had the car for eight hours, it was like, okay, if I get the car at noon to eight, I have to work from the second I get it until the second I'm done. Where now I talk to Uber drivers and they're like, oh, at three o'clock, I turn the meter off. I go pick up my son from school. Great. I make him fucking lunch. I get to spend time with them and there's so much happier for sure that's making your own schedule is fucking so important You know, I that's the greatest luxury of all is to be able to manage your time the way you want it boys That a big privilege because I'm also but maybe you wouldn't bother me as much if I was somebody who could go to bed whenever they want it Like I know some people who were like, oh if I got to go to bed at 8 I go to bed late. I cannot go to bed before 2 a.m No matter what like you Anything and if I do like And when I wake up at 4 for you know working on Tom's show doing whatever within three days I'm back to going bed at 2 a.m. My body just yeah, my body It's from when I was living in Vegas like I think my body just got hooked on to that Like I used to go to bed at like 7 a.m. Everyday. That's not good for you. That can't be good. It's horrible Body clock so bad, but I think the way I balanced it out was I would sleep for 16 hours Yeah, you know, and then I would I would never I wouldn't be on a 24 hour clock when I live in Vegas like I would Let's say I woke up at noon and then I went to bed at 8 a.m. And then I would wake up at 6 p.m. And like I was just like Oh, I go to bed when I'm done and I wake up when I'm done like I don't even think about it wasn't like a bed There was no such thing as like it's bedtime. Yeah, well you run drugs a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah That's why you didn't want to stay up to you're like, oh, I'm fucking feeling good right now. I don't want to go to bed Yeah I will say being a mother the the the one thing that I've really Detested about having kids. I love having my kids That waking up at the crack of dawn when they're little was the biggest Awfulest thing in the world and now that they're old enough that I can go I know you guys are gonna wake up at 6. Get on your iPads. I'll see you at 8 Just being able to tell them to fuck right off and get on their iPads go make yourself a bowl of cereal now Parenting is like it's a joy, but they still come in and wake you up sometimes the little guy He wants me to wake up and drink coffee and talk to him And sometimes I will it depends he's really yeah, he's cute. He's he's a good conversationalist. We have a good time Yeah, we went to dinner in New York. You want to talk about you want to talk about how I ruined our dinner in New York? Wait my kid or you at me your kids are great. You're disgusting. I ruined your you You look across the table at me. You said don't ever do that again. You ruined my whole dinner I got so much joy from that. There's two part. There's two because I don't even remember that one I'm thinking I don't know I would go. Oh my god But I didn't know I was doing it. You're just like you're talking and you're like yeah And you were like you just ruined my whole dinner. I don't want tell them not to bring me what I ordered. I don't want So gross. Yeah, so gross because you are getting over a cold and you're Sucking in a cold it was just like I got to New York and like something wasn't right But I wasn't sick like I felt great. Well up that wasn't even the worst of it So you're sucking in your snots during dinner and I was like this is revolting and then we're walking You're nice enough to walk my kids and I back to the hotel and he's doing it again sucking in the snot and then he He spits on the floor like an old Chinese guy. That's what the streets for can you show me a clip of an old Chinese That's what the street is for. Yeah, you spit in not an America Jack play it play it Do you have a Chinese guy spitting or working? We can show him? So disgusting. Give me a bucket. I'll do right here. Oh for a lot. There you are. Oh, they're spitting it There you are, Rob. It's you and your friend. That was a boy That's what you guys know. That's crazy. I thought they were kissing for a second. I know right. Yeah You're like an old Chinese guy spitting in the street so fucking disgusting So fucking disgusting. You really hated it. It really bothered you. I don't like it I made me laugh And you were telling your kid you like don't do what Rob is doing right now Of course. Hey, listen Rob. You're an open-minded guy. You're into your health. You've tried this. Have you ever tried horse milk? I Don't think horses make milk See this goes to the thing of like would I rather her or the prison girl? I Think I go with the prison girl. Yeah, unless she's doing this just because she thinks it's funny Then that's then that then maybe I go with her But if she's doing it as like oh no, I want to pass on like the knowledge. I've learned on the farm I don't know. Yeah, or she's just doing like a get I just I Really struggle with the girls from prison stealing my money. You know, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night I'd rather than like hurt me than take my money, you know I'd rather be like oh, yeah, she fucking stabbed me. I Don't like because I don't want to have to go back to work I don't want to start having to have to wake up at 5 a.m. So it's like, please just don't take my mind Yeah, I don't think horses make milk. I think that's just right No, I think maybe that's what but oh really because I thought maybe it's like a pregnant woman horse or something People drink horse milk people drink horse milk fermented beverage called kumas, huh? What? Well, it's Central Asia Russia. Yeah, there's not much else in fucking Russia. Right Central Asia. Nothing. Yeah, do do horse Moms feed their young Of course. Yeah, so then that's that's horse milk, right? Okay, so then why don't we drink more a horse milk and make horse cheese if it's so fucking amazing Oh, yeah, would you try horse cheese? Let's try anything once you know What I really want to do and I haven't pulled a trigger yet because there's this guy on YouTube who I watch who just he works in like a cheese shop and he just talks about like This is the cheese we got today and he like cuts it open He has such a passion for like the cheese and then he has like butter and all this stuff And remember how you guys had the water sommelier on oh, yeah, I want to have the cheese guy on not today pal But I think I don't know if people would I think people might hate it to just watch me and Jamie eat cheese for a half a But I want to do it so bad, but I'm like I just don't want to bore People but that when you hear this guy talk can you find it's like Beverly Hills cheese shop if you find this guy He taught it just when somebody's so passionate. Yeah, he's just so stoked on the subject I and I get it when you're that's why we love to Martin the water sommelier because he was so passionate about it See you it's this guy. It's different. It's that not that guy the other guy To that first guy. Yeah, he's the man. This guy Alex and this cheese right here from all the kids that I Called Alex. It just feels just super artist and Alpine Crouse is known for me very I want that slice Very organic and very back to the land with their farming practices. Yeah Alpine style cheese. That is going to go really nicely with white wine I especially love this type of alpine. It's like burgundy or any other chardonnay that has Okay, I can't watch it. You know why could you imagine if I was dating a prison girl and she saw me watching that you What the fuck are you watching? I'm sorry, it's the cheese guy. I could it. Yeah, why don't you like it? Why don't you like it? You know what it is for me dairy is very Personal and shameful. I eat cottage cheese in private because I don't like other people watching me dairy too I'm very weird about public cheeses like I know he's wearing his glove But then he put the piece of cheese out and this dirt dirt bag puts his open palm out and he gets a palm full of cheese Yeah, it's not very sanitary. I don't know cheese is mucus to me It's like hard mucus and I prefer to eat this privately. Oh, this is not a public thing cottage cheese I understand because cottage cheese is like that like I love I find that like sexy. Yeah, nice wheel of cheese like a nice big wheel of Palm. Oh, oh, do you think you know, I'm I'm sure you can just buy a big wheel How much do you think there's there's two shops? I bought like giant pit things. You bought a button Not a whole wheel a wheel of cheese. I burglard you burglars. Yeah, I burgled. Oh wow You can buy oh, if I can hard there's like $5,000 wheels of cheese. That's bananas. Can you look up? Yeah, how much is a wheel of Palm. Oh wheel. Parmigiano Reggiano $3,000. Yeah, imagine you got someone for their birthday If I showed up to your birthday party just carrying a big wheel of cheese gonna love this Because you know in the Italian restaurants they put the pasta in there and then they cheese the pasta that I Think those are fake Italian restaurants. I don't think real times would be okay with that and wait You don't think they do it that way, but they could even do it in Italy But I think it's like a tourist trap. I don't think real genuine. I don't think no I don't think no no is throwing the thing in the wheel Yeah, that's okay. I like it mommy likes or see I just soft cheese is gross. I think hard It's all disgusting Jesus oh that parm look sexy. You know what my favorite is when you go to a good Italian restaurant and they give you free cheese when you write when you sit down. Well, I'm like this is class It really is when you're like this is free free Just like fucking the oh my god, and you're like yeah, if you want more we'll bring it like wow Yeah, that's when I'm really wow. I'm at my peak. Yeah, you know, and I get really like excited is when they give you butter But it's got salt on it. Yeah, and then you're like wait this is free like that's fancy butter or when it's like It's got like chives or some shit in there and you're like whoa, dude. This is a regular butter They took time and then and then now that there's YouTube you could watch people make that kind of butter on to and you're like oh That's so easy. I thought it what like they take the butter they put it in the microwave for 30 seconds They they put like the stuff in it mix around and put it back in the fridge and then it's just it's like infused butter But it seems brilliant bro. I've learned so much from tech talk like I learned how to make like full Korean food. I've learned how to draw. I've learned how to do like a paper machine. Yeah, you can fucking learn anything now. - Do you watch, like what type of people do you watch? Who do you like to learn from? - Well, the experts, obviously. - But is there anything that you're drawn towards? Like, like, men, women, Asian? Like, what do you, what do you feel comfortable learning from? - That's really interesting. That's why I never thought about that, but that's true. (laughing) Because we all have a bias towards, I really feel like Asian men know what's up. - And they're calm. - And they're approach, yeah. - They're knowledgeable, and I also, whenever there's an Asian man talking, I listen. Now, I'm also racist when it comes to my doctors. - You want Indian? - Yeah. - 'Cause they're the best, right? - They're the best. - Yeah, I think Jewish doctors are good too, right? - Jewishes and Indians. - Indian, yeah, yeah. - But when I was sick with the chesticular cancer, it was all Indians. - Really? Did you have to kick any non-Indians out? - Oh, I wouldn't even go visit like a non-ethnic. - But did you ever try to bring one in the room? - Just a white. (laughing) - In the tumbo, you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, sorry. - No, I wish, that'd be funny. So, who do you trust most with your information? - I don't know if it's a trusting, but I do need somebody who's like calm. Like, I need somebody who is like calm, or there's this guy who does like a financial thing. If you ever watch him and he has like, he's an Asian guy, but he has like a real attitude where he's like, like he's like, you don't know that. Like, his name is clear value tax, if you want to look him up. And he just talks to like the stock market and he'll be like, he's like, all right, the jobs report is out today. And he's like angry and it makes me laugh, but also like gives you, and I like that. But I need somebody who's like very chill and like calm and not gonna, yeah. - Is that him? - This guy, yeah. - How do you build well faster? - Even smart people miss this. (laughs) - I love that. - He wears like nice suits and stuff, but he just, if you just play like five seconds of a clip and if you see that, he does like annoyed right off the bat. - In today's video. - Yeah. - I want to talk to you about financial opportunities that can fast crack. - I'm on stupid wealth. - Yeah, he's like that. - He's already, the demeanor is like, come on, you fucking dummies. - Yeah. - And who am I like because it, I'm never bored watching him. Where other people, you just feel like you're learning, where with him, I'm like, oh, I can't wait to see what pisses him off. - Yeah, and I'll tell you who I don't like to learn what paper machine from is really slow talking older white women who are in their craft corner. I'm like, I don't wanna hear this Martha. It's gonna take you fucking way too long to get the thought out. I like to, now, now, now, now, now. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Give me the information. - Yeah, what, what is, you paper machine now? - I do everything. - What is, what is paper machine? I don't even know, I'm not even comfortable. - Now that I'm an artist, I've sold art. I dry, do pastels, oil pastels, and now I started, you know, fucking, what's a shit called, molding? - Or a gummy? - Claim, claim molding. - Yeah, I make stupid shit like this paper machine. - I gotta tell you, when you were drawing and doing your stuff, I was very supportive and I really like it. - That's okay. - I don't like this, this is dirty. When you start keeping these things in your house, you become dirty. In a year from now, they're gonna be covered in dust and gross and I don't want you doing that. Can I tell you something? You're not wrong. - I don't like this. - I'm already upset with myself because I've bought mannequins from Amazon, I'm putting paper machine on mannequins. - No, stop, and it's like painting. - You have to use like wet, stop this. - I agree, this is-- - Do a different thing. - I'm gonna throw out the mannequins and I'm just gonna go back to drawing and painting. - Very cool when you were doing that. - Thank you. - Yeah, that's awesome. That's respectful. This is like, this is like dirt, yeah. I feel like, I think the homeless people in New York City used to do this, they used to paper machine. - I love paper machine, though. It is fun. - This puts like a sour, this is like being at the airport for me. I don't like this. It really makes me upset and none of them are good. - Well, that's 'cause these are like the bullshit ones. Like if you get on TikTok and you really fucking look up some paper mache stuff, like these bitches can make some really incredible pieces of art. But, yeah, I agree, it's kind of like, it's annoying. It's too messy. - The wedding, the wedding, like what are you collecting newspapers to do this? - Oh yeah, I collect, and I was, I was like, don't throw out the Amazon. Package your mum gonna make some paper machines. - Let me save you right now. You're done with this. You're gonna go home today, or call, if you have somebody working at your house right now, like a nanny, call them now and tell them, throw it all out so when you get home, you don't even have to think about it. 'Cause I don't want you doing this. I don't like this. - No, and Tom, you were doing your, you had your gardening, you got your cat, I'm supportive of all of it. This is no good for you. - I mean, it's my era of hobbies, Rob. - This is not, you skip this one. I'm fine with all your other hobbies. I think they're awesome. When you were making your gothrum in your house, you showed me the bad name. - Awesome, but this is really lame. - Okay, well, can I tell you something? I'm gonna listen to your advice because right now, in my bedroom, Tom's been gone for two weeks. I've got boxes of, right by the door of bullshit. Boxes, like I said, the mannequins, there's a mannequin in a box. - This is what attracts mice, my grandma used to say. When he didn't like something you were doing, he'd be like, that's how the mice come in, you're like, all right, it's not wrong. - No, they look like cardboard and paper. - I know. - You gotta stop. - They're gonna find, like, remember when they clear it out? - All right, I'm gonna fucking, I'm throwing it out now. - Remember when they cleared out the, like, Venice tents and they found like rat nests on their own. That's what they're gonna find in your room. You can't do that. - Yeah, well, it really makes me miss that show, "Horders," remember? - Yeah. - That was so good. - Yeah, "Horders" is this fucking class. - The key to being a hoarder is that you have to be willing to live in your own feces. You have to live in shit. 'Cause that's all they live in, like, rat shit, their own shit. There's just shit everywhere. - See, I love the people who, like, would have to climb through their place to, like, find something. But as soon as somebody was like, I shit in a bucket and I was done, I can't, I can't. Then you're just a fucking, it just became not. - I remember, like, you're the stages. There's different types. If you had pathways to things, you were like a contained hoarder. Like, if you're still pathways, you were okay. - I remember some of them, they found dead cats - Yeah, yeah, 75 of them. - Yeah, they found cat skeletons, that mommy, no paper mache for, I think the first step to this is paper mache. (laughing) This is horrible. - But I can make a pumpkin for Halloween. - Yeah, that has to, and then you're like, you can't throw these out because, and it's like what, they're garbage, stop it. - That's what I'm doing. And I'm convincing myself that the kids are gonna paint the paper mache pumpkin I made. Guess what, I made that pumpkin a month ago. Nobody's fucking painted it. - Anything, let me save you here. I'm very supportive of all your hobbies. I get to, what do you call it? Cancel one, just please, that's horrible. Paper mache, this is good. You're like dipping newspapers in it. - Hold on, is that a deal breaker if you were to date a new lady? - 100%, with honor, with honor dating profile, she's like, oh my free time, I like to paper mache. Done, X, swipe left, I can't do it. - What about a urine drinker? Hold on, she drinks it for health. - Is this an either/or thing, paper mache, or urine drinking? - Yeah, this is a separate thing. - Separate thing than no. But if I have to, she's paper mache or drink urine, like maybe she's like on the cutting edge or something with the urine. - But you have to kiss her, French kiss her. 'Cause honestly-- - But she's hot. - Okay, but I was thinking about this with Tim. Like, what if Tom, now in his health craze, in addition to the sauna, the cold plunge, and he's like, you know what, babe, you gotta drink your own urine. And he starts drinking his piss and I'm like, yeah, I gotta kiss that mouth. - But is he making you drink yours or he's just drinking his, he doesn't care what you do? - Then I don't think that would bother you after two weeks, I think you'd forget all about it. - But then you have to kiss his mouth. - And the so what? - And the beard's gonna smell like piss that everything's in the beard. - Yeah, I guess. I don't clean the beard. - Okay, what about, what about if this girl is a free bleeder? Like one of these period advocates, you know, these chicks and they're like, I'm not gonna be confined by co-tex. I'm gonna just bleed only pants and stuff. - I did a girl who tried using like a cup or I was like, I don't want any part of this. I was done. As soon as she said it, there's a cup inside of her. I was like, I'm just, I'm out. Again, I'm not like feeling for a relationship so as soon as I don't like, you know, I'm just like, I'm not somebody who's like, well, I am I not in a relationship, I fully know why. 'Cause I'm like, I like being alone and I have to find somebody who is better than being alone. - And why? - Hey, and the older and crazier you get, I agree, this thought of yours is not wrong, my friend. - And by the way, I don't go like, I can do all this stuff, you can't. Like if I said, I have a cup in my ass and you were like, I'm out, I'd be like, yeah. (laughing) - You know what I mean? - Wait a minute. - Wait a minute. Hold on. If you could theoretically put a period cup in in your vagina to catch the blood, can you do a diarrhea cup? - Your butt. - But diarrhea is so much. - So what? It's okay, menstrual blood. You can put a big bucket in there. You can put a big bucket in your ass. - You can put like a long condomy length. Can't you put something in there? - I would rather just diarrhea. - Oh wow. That's great. Nobody's invented this. - I will, I think it's insane. Yeah. I think you'd sell one. Yeah, I don't know. You wouldn't be able to pay for the molding. He wouldn't you made one and somebody-- - The molding? - Who's gonna buy, it's horrible. I could never-- - All right, well. - 'Cause think about it. - I tried. - Now you have this overflowing thing of diarrhea, you have to pull out and clean and it's just too, just diarrhea. - I get so nervous about leaving the house. For a while, I-- - When you have diarrhea, you're saying it. - Yeah, like, there was like a time in my life where I had really bad phobia of vomiting. And I would, this is like in my 20s, I was so anxious. And when I get anxious, I get the OCDs. And I was like, I'd count the hours after I'd eat stuff. So I'd be like, okay, I have four hours. I don't have food poisoning. I'm not gonna vomit. And it got so bad that I was like, oh God. I just ate something. I can't get on the freeway. I can't get on the freeway now. like, what if I'm stuck in traffic and then I'll get diarrhea? Like there has to be a solution for diarrhea on the run. - But it was, it was throwing up. - You were worried about a diarrhea. - Both, both. - Then it went to diarrhea. But why is there no solution for diarrhea? There needs to be like a diarrhea diaper. There has to be something. - I think it's just a diaper. I think a diaper is a diarrhea diaper, right? Like little kids are always shitting. - That's true. - Yeah, I think it's just wear a diaper if you want. - Oh wow. You know, it's just how to just give that. Like I didn't think I could wear a diaper for anything other than pissing in. And now you're telling me I could diarrhea in it as well. - Yeah, I mean, there's only one other thing. You could also do that. - What? - Pooping, yeah. You could poop when you could poop in a diaper. - Isn't that crazy how your brain gets stuck in one place? And you're like, but I can't. This thing is for this thing only. Like I came to, you were texting the other day about, you had one. And then I was like, yeah, I had this epiphany that I can listen to Christmas music any time of the year. - Right. - It's not just relegated to December. - But then does it still make it like as good when December comes around? - Yeah, because I want to listen to it more. I love it. - Okay. - Now I listen to it all the time. - But do you have it mixed in with like other songs or is it like, no, it's Christmas or-- - It's a specific, I'm like a autistic where I listen to the same music. There's no deviation. My kids tell you exactly what I listen to all this same fucking thing. Wait, tell them, tell them your prejudice key effect. - So I had two in the same spot. So it was when I was doing like my dishes or watching my hands in the kitchen sink, I would get water everywhere, like every time. And it was like, oh, I got it. And then it would like leave stains some time of like trailing on the counter, like the water. And I'm like, oh, I forgot to like wipe it up. And it was like, and then I realized I'm like, oh, I don't have to put the water on full blast. Like I could just put the faucet on halfway. - Right. - But now I realized that. And I still, every time I put the faucet on, I go full blast. And then the water's going on. I'm like, oh, I can turn it halfway down. And then the other thing was I had, so I have my bathroom sink. And that's where I have a soap dispenser and I keep the soap refill under there. So I fill it up whatever. But I also have a soap thing in my kitchen, on my kitchen sink. But sometimes that would get empty. And I'd be like, oh, I gotta go fill it up and I'd be like, I don't feel like filling it up right now. So I would just wait. And then I'd be like, cooking later in the day and I'd be like, oh, I didn't fill it up. And now I can't watch my hands, it's this whole thing. But I realized I could buy another soap refill and put that under my kitchen sink. - Yeah. - So then I could just fill it up 'cause I don't want to go into, yeah. - Anytime. - And by the way, my bathroom is 20 feet away. I just go, I don't want to do it. I'm like, I can't go in the bathroom and get the thing. You know, I'm like, fuck it. And then I just have an empty soap thing for days. But now I'm like, oh, no, I could keep one under here and it's changed my whole life. - I know. - Let's do that anyway. - Let's do that thing. And then I'm like, fucking retard. - So dumb. And I'm like, wow, this is really nice. - Well, you know what I just figured out too? You know what, I washed my hair and my hair is wet and my body's wet and get out of the shower. I can bring two towels, one for my hair, one for my body. - Yeah, that's a life-changing moment. It really is. That happens to be when I was like 30. And I did it and I was like, wait a minute. I was like, I could just wrap instead of being naked while I dry my hair and like cold. - And it goes dripping. - Yeah. Oh my, oh, I can just fucking wrap this around my waist and then dry my, dry everything else with this towel. It's very nice. - Two towels. - Yeah, game changer for sure. - Wow. - Who are we? - Yeah. - You're Rockefeller's. - Fancy. - Okay. Let's time for TikTok's horn. You know what we haven't done in a long time? - I heard you bitches would look at the camera. - Yeah. - Do you like being on that side of the table? - No. - No? - No. - You like just chilling. - Here's what I do. - Oh shit. - Oh no. - Yeah, let's start over. - Here's what I do like is that I get to be in charge of what we listen to. And this is my favorite. I love this. - You know what I mean? - You know what I'm saying? - Shout out to Humor Mitch. You know what I'm saying? It's big stuff. Hell yeah, you know what I'm saying? I mean it's real hard to do it with my fucker. - Okay. Anyway. - By the way, if you wanted, I have a great throw-up story. - No thanks. I'm good. - I tried, guys. - I don't want to. I'm gonna do immersion therapy next to try to get over it. - How do you do that with vomit? - Well, you watch a million videos of people puking over and over to become desensitized. - It's like stand up. The first seven years, you're anxious, you're nervous. And then by year 10, you're like, I don't give a shit anymore. I'm over myself. - But some people say that never goes away. Some people say they black out every time they go and do stand up. - You're almost doing it for years. - They're not professionals. There's no way. - I won't name who says that all the time. - It's like a 20-year veteran. - I know people who have been doing it for a very long time, whose podcast I listen to who are like, yeah, I just totally fucking black out like when you're going out. But they're like 10 minutes before I'm fine. But then it's like, right when you get up there, it's like, oh, like, you say like one thing that doesn't go the way you want. And then it's like, oh, and then you're like, I just black out. - Yeah, it's ruckish. - You're a pro. - That's not 20 years. - That does happen though. And don't get me wrong. All that stuff happens, but you learned how to whatever deal with it. I don't know, maybe it's because I don't give a shit. Any more about it. - Yeah, I think it's more of a life thing than a professional stand. I think you get to point in life where you go, I don't fucking care. Like, what are these people not going to laugh? That's fine. - Yeah, suck my dick, my almost died this year last year. - Okay, right. - You ready for my talks? - Yeah. - As we know, as you know, if you don't know, I'd like to showcase the marginalized communities of TikTok. Here we go. (upbeat music) - You're going to be shocked if I have to say about this. - Okay, did you get enough of that flavor? - Go ahead. - I could date. - No! - You want to know why? - Why? - Because I know she can go in the garage and do her own thing for like eight hours. (laughing) I know it. She's not going to be like, what are we doing? What do you want to do? Hey, are you want to go for this? She's just going to be, I'm just going to be fucking watching your mom's house on the couch. And I'm going to hear "tack, tack, tack, tack." And I know she's all right. - Okay, okay, okay. - I kind of like this. Yeah, you got to find a lady who has her own hobbies that are not paper machine. - Okay, I got you, but what about this when she's like, "Rop, you got to hear my new song." - Oh fine. - And then it's fucking. - Yeah. I'll be like, "Hell yeah, babe, keep it up." - Hours and hours. - Yeah, I'll be like, I want you to do that, but I need like a 15 minute rendition of it. Get back in the garage. (laughing) Go ahead, you can master that, she'll look at her. She's in her fucking, she's in her blish. - She's great. - She's so happy. She's going to come in in a great mood. - Oh, yeah. - I'm telling you, this is my kind of girl. - She's got, she's got a thing. That's all you need in life is a hobby, I think. - Now, here's the good news for you and for everybody listening, watching, she sells tickets to live performances. You can pay to see this woman play various things, like clackers or spoons or what have you and yeah, she charges. - And just like that, our relationship fell apart. (laughing) Because if she's making me go to any one of her shows, I'm out. - Oh yeah, you got to support, you got to be supportive. Don't you want me to be supportive? - No, I'll be supportive in other ways. I'm not going to watch her go play that little plastic piano on stage in front of other people, not to pretend like she did good. - You know what's so embarrassing? - Is that even, you know, someone asked me their day, are you coming to Tom's special taping in November? And I was like, nope, no fucking way. I mean, no, we don't watch each other. Okay, here we go. - This is going through TSA with my reborn baby, part two. So this woman essentially is carrying a newborn doll and she's in a wheelchair. Maybe she has a broken leg. She's pretending that the doll is real and she's got two dogs with her as well. So she's already, there's a lot going on. She should be on a no-fly list. (laughing) She shouldn't be a lot to fly. She's crazy. It's a problem solved. - Terrorists. - Also, I do know for a fact, those are not fucking, what are they called, those service dogs? - Yeah, they're not fucking service dogs. - Of course not, none of them are. - These are just pets, you don't bitch, we know that, okay? We fucking know, stupid, real newborn baby. These are reborn baby. These are women that have never had newborns. Once you've had one, you're like, I'm good. I don't ever need to do that again. That was so traumatizing. - Or you just want one that shuts up all day. Like that's gotta be. She just wants to feel that thing that's like on her and needs her, but doesn't actually. What is that a thing like reborn babies? Like is that a thing that people are interested in? - It's on TikTok and you can buy them and they're very lifelike and they weigh what normal babies weigh and stuff and it's terrifying. - If I saw her getting on the plane with, this is why I hate airports and I hate this stuff because this is who, you're a problem. You're a real problem to me. You interfere with my entire life. - Well, what the two dogs already? At least she's got two dogs. How you get on the plane with two dogs? - There's nothing, there's nothing about her that I go, well, at least this. - No, nothing redeemed. - I hate it all. - She sucks. - Instead of praying with your hands, you can also pray with one hand and one foot or with two hands and feet. This way you have not only prayed, but also stretch your toes and don't forget to walk barefoot and to wear barefoot shoes. - Can I tell you I just bought toes separators from Amazon? - They're free. - Well, I like to walk a lot. I get at least 10,000 steps a day and one of my toes started going underneath one of my other toes and creating like a callus. - Whoa. - Yeah, so I was like, well, I think I need like, I was like, our toes separator's the thing that went on Amazon and they're a big thing. So like, I think I'm gonna sleep with my right foot with toe separators on from now on. - Or you could see a doctor. - Well, he's just gonna tell me that I got to separate my toes. - You think so? - What else is he gonna do? Stop walking? - No, but maybe give you like a splint to straighten it out or something to wear. - That's what a toe separator is. - No, you're right. - Right? - Right, Rob, just keep doing what you're doing. - Yeah. - You don't need it. - I'm doing great. - Your toe is turning into a palace. (laughing) - You're doing good, man. - You're doing good. - All right. - Yo, what's up guys, we're here at 4 a.m. in the morning and nobody's here. It's awesome. No one's here at the gym. It's so awesome, dude. I was here yesterday at 5 a.m., - Yeah. - But there's people here. So I was like, you know what? - Yeah. - I'm like, I'm on 4 a.m. I'm gonna hit the gym. - No excuses, get it. There's no excuses. - No excuses, come on, let's go. - He's like, let's go. - He's like Mark Wahlberg. - No excuses, come on. - He's Mark Wahlberg, a clown and Uncle Junior from Sir Prano's, all mixed in one. Can you look up on the glasses? - The glasses. - Sir Prano's his glasses. That's what he's wearing, yeah. - He totally has those. - You know what's so confusing about this, there you go. Yeah, he's Uncle Plown. You know what's so confusing to me about this guy is, you would think somebody who does that to themselves loves attention. So why would you have to be in the gym alone? - That's what I was wondering, like is he doing it? So people don't stare at his face 'cause he's covered in face tattoos. - But the whole reason people do that is 'cause they want attention, don't they? - I don't know. - You know, I do think you start it. Like I have a feeling when he was on-- - It's fine, it's too loud for you. (laughing) - But he was on methamphetamine in his 20s. Like this was a great idea. And now that he's 40 and he's not on the mat anymore, it's like, what do you do? You can't have all that laser dog, right? - Yeah, he's like the finance guy, you know what? He's like, oh yeah, I'm in the gym with the tattoos today. Everybody wants to look at me. Ah, he's over it, you know? - Hey, at least he's working out. - Of course. - Oh, here we go. - Power baby, up next, do you have an open, support martial arts created? - Oh! - Uncle Plown, it's Nicholas Kajia. (laughing) - Black roll, back roll, excellent agility. Here at the American International's in Atlantic City, - What do you think? - The Ross Casino and Rizor. - Haraz. (laughing) You say, Haraz Casino? - He did. - Wow. - Haraz Casino. - I've done that place. - Haraz Casino. - Haraz Casino, I've never-- - I've spent more time in casinos than anyone you'll probably ever have on the show. I've stayed at Haraz for months at a time. I've never heard one person say Haraz Casino. That is brilliant. - He's reporting from Haraz. - Haraz. - Yeah, I'm like, is that the Middle East? That's what I thought he was like. - Haraz, he's saying Haraz. - Yeah, they never told him, like the name of the hotel. - I wonder where he calls Caesars. - Caesars. - Caesars? - Caesars. - By the way, this guy's a black belt, come on. - Yeah, he's amazing. What's wrong with you? You've never seen agility like that before. - I think he's a white belt. - Wow. - Yeah, I mean, he's good, great, great. He's moving around the map. Great, he's doing, he's calling all the right stuff, but I don't think he's a black belt. - Okay. - I think black belt backflips are a little-- - Okay, well, you know what, Haraz Haraz. I think he's a black belt. - Haraz. - You say Haraz. - I haven't had anyone buy one from me actually. I've just made a few of them, but this is pretty, I like this one. - This is what you're doing with the paper mache. This is you right here. I see no difference between her and you. - Oh, I like it. I'm gonna keep it for my display. Got my gun. - So please tell me that's eggplant. (laughs) - No, it's her placenta. I know to display a placenta dream catcher, which is cool 'cause dream catchers, they're not usually made out of organic materials to be on, trying to find the positive end of the dream catcher. - So like there's just nothing about, I don't, she's even using like, is that a medical pad or like a wee wee pad that she's making it on? - Oh, right. So wee wee pad. Just all of this is horrible. - But how do you keep the placenta from getting rotten and smelly? - I don't like any of it. I don't like any of this. - Maybe it's a shellacot or, you know, lacot. - You know what else I see people like this doing? They use like their kitchen scissors to do everything. - Yeah. - But they open an Amazon package. - They make a fucking placenta sandwich or whatever she's doing. And then they cut like the chicken pack open. That is this morning. That is so disgusting. That bothers me so much. - You got it. - It's so gross. So use your kitchen scissors to open Amazon packages. - You know why? - You're an animal. - You're an animal. - 'Cause they're sharp. They're nice and sharp and they work fast. - All scissors are sharp. - Not as sharp as the kitchen scissors. - Mommy, this is the hope of Jitski effect. You can get two scissors. Next you're gonna tell me that I shouldn't be wiping my hands on my pants, which I do. And now I've upgraded to napkin dress. There's a dress that I have that I wipe my hands on. - You and Tom had me over for dinner and you made chicken for me. And now I know you cut the chicken packages with your fucking Amazon box scissors and it's disgusting. - You're welcome. - You should be ashamed of yourself. I can't believe you did that. - Okay, here you go. - I want you to produce me some cabbage carrots and come on. I want you to produce me some green beans. I want you to produce me some lettuce. I want you to produce me some produce. - Produce me some produce. - I want you to produce me some produce. I want you to produce me some spinach. - What do you think is? - I want you to produce me all the vegetables. - OCD. - Require for a healthy diet. - Who's he talking to? I want you to produce. - You know what it is? Is it that he figured out that the word produce and produce, it's spelled the same, but it's like, "Heroes, Haras." Like, do you think that he's like, "Oh, I get it." The word produce produce. It's the same word, but it's not. - Yeah, he thought it was funny and now he's just like-- - I want you to produce me some produce. - He just keeps going and gone. - I like 'em. - This is a look into his head. Like, my head has the things that go on all day. - Please. - Please. - Please. - Yeah. - He's still going. - What else is his, what else is his feed like? Like, what is he like? - You don't want to know. - I kinda, I don't know. I'm really interested in what else he does. - Oh no. Let's keep going. - These people were having dinner in the air and one of the harnesses broke. (cheering) Do you like to travel? Can I tell you, I have no, I have no feeling for when bad things happen to people like this. - So these people are like, this looks like it's in Florida, maybe in Miami. - Oh my god. - And they're up in like a crane and it's a bar in the sky. And then of course one of the harnesses breaks. - Oh, Lord, it's that, oh, oh! - Yeah, of course. - This is terrifying. - So we start raising, you know, we're excited, I'm recording. You know, everything kinda felt fine and then as we're going up, it's very shaking a little bit. It was like, "Whoa, wait, why is this shaking?" And then when we got all the way to the top, it's big. And then with the rope up, we still fit very thinning. Thing on the wall, we screened glass and bottles were crying everywhere. - Girls, no guff are fit though. Even the workers were crying and ducking down and trying to hide it. - And then they finally like lowering the sound going up down and then when we finally got to the ground, like it is like shit, like the ground. - They hit like the ground. - And then they were lowering us and lowering us. - I tell you, this is the problem with dating. Women wanna do things just to do things. They just can't sit still. That's why the girl in the garage doing the fuckin' Nicknack patty whack. I'm like, I could see, 'cause I know she's all right. She's not gonna go, "Hey, there's a restaurant that just opened on a crane down the street." You wanna go, I'll be like, go in the garage and spin your shit around. You love that, you know? Where this is like, this is what they make you do when you're dating. They go, "Oh my God, did you hear about the crane?" - It's so novel. - It's so fun. - Bar, yeah. - And no, I never wanna hear about it. - It's so novel. - It's like, you know what, maybe the most angry, like right after COVID when like, it was okay to like really fly again. They were doing flights to nowhere for people who loved flying and missed it during COVID. So you could get on a flight here at Austin Airport, fly around and it just comes back to, and people were like cheering on the plane. Like, "Yes, we loved." - That's horrible. - And that's what these people do. It's like, you can't sit still. Like, you can literally leave this room right now and come back in 48 hours and you'd be like, "Hey, I'd be like, what's up?" I don't need restaurants in the sky. Like, I don't just chill. - Yeah, I think too. I'm really averse to manufactured fun like this too. We really hate it. - I hate it. - You know what I really hate? Oh my God, and it is my nightmare. You'll see it in places like Nashville, mostly like these bridal capitals. It's where they, it's a pedal bar. They're all, they're getting drunk and peddling together. - Yeah. - And they're always in great shape, those ladies. They're not sweat and at all. And they're in like cowboy boots here 'cause they think it's cute. So they're like sweating. They're in like these cowboy. They're feet stink. - Nightmare. - Nightmare. - Whole thing is just awful. - I mean, look, cabin a drink, cool. But I don't wanna do it anywhere novel. - Anywhere we have to exercise. Anywhere dangerous. - No, when I used to drink, it was like give me the dark. I want like a place that you're like, is that place open? And then you go inside and he's like a guy who's like, what do you want? And like you can't say anything, but like I want to keel on the rocks. He's like here, bang. Give it to you. - You know what else I don't care for? I don't tell Tom. Is like fine dining experiences where they light the shit on fire or like. - Oh yeah, I don't want to drink. - It's 50 core. And I'm like, I don't want to sit here. I want to eat and I want to leave. I don't want to be here. - If the food's great, I'm okay with it. I went somewhere here last night and had a short rib that came on the bone. - Oh, that's good. - Fucking phenomenal. It was so good. - Did they light it on fire? - Nothing. They had a thing where the woman was like, well, we have like a flaming board that your think could come on. I was like, I don't want to hear anything. I just want my food. Like, I don't want to circus. Like, I don't-- - I know. - It's like, you know, now when you go to clubs and stuff, they come out with these like, lighting up wands and with your, a sign with your name on it. It's like, I'm trying to fucking get drunk. Like, what is a parade for me? - I know, and I also don't, I don't really like any extra attention from the wait staff or anything. Like, it's okay. You don't have to like, talk to me about the dishes. Like, I know what I like. Like, I already, I did my homework. I know I'm here. I don't need you to, I don't want to make small talk. I'm like, oh, good, dude, I'm like. See, we were talking about this yesterday, the whole like, on an Uber, putting like, don't talk to me. - Yeah. - And it's like, I just don't have the heart to do it, but I think I might start. I just, it's time. Because what somebody was saying is like, well, maybe you could be doing the Uber person a favor, maybe they feel like, they have to be like, hey, how are you? Cause it'll give them like a better tip or rating where it's like, I want one of my best friends in New York who's probably the nicest guy I know. I've told this story a lot. He, on, so you used not be able to set preferences on Uber like, don't talk to me. So he put his name as, don't talk to me. So they would know not to, and he was the nicest kid I knew. And I'd be like, how do you, I can't, I couldn't get in. Cause I'm asking this person a favor to like, drive me somewhere. And they're doing this thing and I'm in their car. So it's like, listen, if they want to talk to me, it's I'm not just gonna be like, hey, don't fucking talk to me. - Oh, I know. - It feels really rude. - It feels rude, I agree. I only, I only tip, I rank based on smell. - Smell and driving style, like, if the guy's got a lot of cologne, that, it gives me a headache. I don't want to smell it. If it's reeks of cigarettes and cologne, forget about it. - You should be able to say why you're not tipping. Like, you should be able to be like. - Oh, I still tip, but I won't like give him the stars or what I, I won't rate him. I just, I won't give him a negative rating. I just won't. - But see, that's the thing. If you go like for a bad rating, they're like, why? - Uh. - And I don't, I just, I feel bad like pulling someone's rating down. I don't want to do that. - Yeah, I don't do that. - So let him know what he's doing, like, dude, you're a fuck, it's powerful back here, like, you stink. - I don't think you smell yourself, though. You just don't smell yourself. When you put that much cologne on, those guys don't smell it anymore. - Yeah. - That's all of Eastern Europe. Okay, one last, tech talk. - Hello, everybody, so I decided to, uh, why not make a collection update on my, uh, vacuums here. - It's a cool shirt. - Yeah, so I think you see here, it's, uh, don't mind the cat. - That's pretty much been the same, um, maybe some machines have been moved around. - Why would they mind the cat? - Nothing on that. - Not much has changed. And as you can see over here, nothing much has changed, with this stuff over here. Then if you walk in here, some machines that were in here, they were, like, junk, like, they were broken. Why I kept broken things? I don't know, but they're gone. Even I organized this. It doesn't look like they're gone. - Yeah. - But yeah. - Ironically, a room full of vacuums, filthy carpet. How's that going? - Wow, I didn't even, yeah. I just, this is the most, I hate this guy. I hate it. - It's like, well, what's wrong with you? Don't you collect anything? - No, I collect empty space. - I hope you guys enjoy this. - I enjoyed the update. - I enjoyed the collection. - I loved it. - I think there should be a movie about, like, the vacuums come to life and kill them. - Yeah, I'm serious. - Rappi's collecting vacuums. I hope he sells them. They look like they're in good shape. - But that's a lot of money. Like, it earned vacuums about $100. - Yeah. - That's a fucking lot. That's, like, at least 10 grand. Like, right there probably. - Mine in the bank, dude, sell these vacuums. - What's this guy doing? - He's sitting on a gold mine this way. - His loud ass old vacuums in the bag would blow up. And the cord wasn't long enough, so your fucking grandma would have to keep moving it around. - No, I know. - It's fun that my kids like to vacuum, I let them. They don't know what they're doing, but I let them. - What do you think of the new eye masks on the planes? Have you see that, that wraps around the headrest? - No. - Can you look up the eye mask on the plane that wraps around the headrest? This is one of these things in life where I go, I really don't care what people think about me. Like, the same thing with the fucking, like, don't talk to me in an Uber, but it feels rude. Like, there's something about this where I go, I don't care what people think about me. For some reason I can't do this. - Yeah. - So that if you-- - Yeah, I can do this. - I don't know if that, no, that I can do. Well, what it is is there's one where you have that mask on, and then so you don't like fall over. - Oh. - Like a hood goes around the back of the seat. Like that. - Oh yeah. - So now you're stuck there. - I love that. I wish I would have had that 20 years of traveling. I think I still have the shame of, 'cause like, when you're in first class and the people walk by, like, I only fly once a year, really, so I fly first class. And like, when the people walk by, I do feel ashamed. Like, I don't belong in first class. And I feel bad that all those people are going back there and I'm not. So like, I think adding this would just be like, you fucking asshole. (laughing) You know what I mean? - Definitely. - You just can't, it's too, like, I don't deserve to be this comfortable. - No, I understand it. You're still flogging yourself. You're wearing your hair shirt on the plane. I do think it pulls, it looks like it pulls you back too aggressively. - It straps in there. - It's really straps your head. I don't know. I mean, when I travel, I would do that I mask. I'll do a hoodie over it to cover that. I'm down with that. - Zip that shit up and the neck thing and then I'll pass it down. - Right, see, I'm okay with all that. But once it comes to like strapping. - 'Cause also, like, there's usually a TV on the back of the seat behind me. So, aren't you getting in the way of, aren't you just like taking that person's ability to watch TV away? - Oh, that's true. I didn't even think about that. - I just don't like being a menace. It's like, it brings extra attention. I'd be like, look at the guy, you gotta go see the guy in the front who's got this fucking contraption on. Who I can't fly three hours without this spoiled rotten. - I didn't even think about that. - But you know what I did? Revealed to Jamie lately that I've done, that I'm so proud of and happy with and I'm so content. So, I was like, it's time, I'm getting a shoe horn. So, I got like a three foot long shoe horn by my front door and when I put my shoes on, I just put the, like, it's three foot long. So, you don't even have to bend over at all. You put the shoe horn in the back of the shoe, you slide your feet in. It is so nice. - Mr. Belvedere. - Look at you. - So nice, but here's the thing that I wasn't expecting. The three foot shoe horn came with a little mini shoe horn and when I was leaving for the airport to fly to New York, I was like, oh, let me put my shoes on and I was putting the shoe horn thing on and I was like, wait a minute. And I didn't even realize I could do this. I'm like, I could put the little shoe horn in my book bag and when I go through security at the airport, I can put my shoes back on with the little mini shoe horn and I could have the mini shoe horn the whole time in New York. - Whoa! - You just blew my mind. - It changed the air around with you the whole time. - I had in my backpack there's a little slot and I had the shoe horn in there and it made me feel so much better. - I've never used one. I've never used one in my life. I would never even, I don't deserve a shoe horn. - You do. It's so nice to not have to bend over because sometimes like you come in, you take your shoes and you go out, you go back and forth and back and forth and it's like just to be able to be like, - Hold on, but doesn't the three foot shoe horn that's not long enough from a standing position, right? - Yeah, it is. - Don't have to sit down. - No, no, no, you stand there because think about your lower body. How long is from your hand to your foot? - That's like five feet. - Yeah, you're about 11, too, right? - Wow. - Yeah, no, Mommy, it is such a luxury and by the way, it's like $9 and it changes your whole life. - I know, I believe it. - It's so sweet and I keep it like hidden in a corner when I'm walking out so it doesn't even run the way. - You don't want people to see it, it's embarrassing. It's like a squatty potty, let's out. - I'm proud of my squatty potty. I'm proud of the shoe horn. - That's disgusting. - I just said it in front of a million people. - Do you at least hide the squatty potty if a lady comes here or something? - Not at all. I'll wipe the piss off of it. (laughing) I'll clean it, I'll clean the piss off. Like, you know what I'll do sometimes? I just throw it in the shower and run the shower to get all the pee off. - Oh my god, who's grosser, Rob Eiler or Christina? - That's normal, guys. - No, Rob is cleaning far grosser. Okay, what's grosser? - This is normal. - Me doing paper mishae and using napkin dress. - Yeah. - Or this, the squatty potty and he rinses the piss off of it when a girl comes over. - That's class. Leaving the pee is gross. - Leaving the squatty potty is such a veg dryer, dude. I don't wanna see how you shit. - You're not, you're knowing that I have proper, like just looking at my toilet then you're gonna know how I shit. Don't look at my toilet. - No, but I mean, I don't wanna see you. I'm the vision of you with your knees up to your face. - My knees are gonna be two inches lower if I don't use the squatty potty. That's all right. - Giving birth like your, your birth thing. - Yeah. I do a little pooping, like kind of action, yeah. - Right now, no? Yeah, I don't like to see men's shitting up or at eye. - Put a scotch. - Yeah, it's just a foot stool. - It's a lot more than that. It's a custom shit stool. We have one here. - But my toilet is a, my toilet is a custom shit vacuum. - That's okay. But do you have a wash left? - No, not now since I moved here. I didn't, I had it in LA, I don't have it here. You know what I was thinking about? - He's gonna touch it. - When you see in hotels or when you see people, usually on 90 day fiance, 'cause that's how I travel the world, when they get in a hotel and they are on the toilet, they have like, it's just like, you know that thing that you used to come out of the sink and you spray water. That's what they, it's like an old fashioned day. How do you not get water everywhere you do? You do. That's the problem with a bidet. This is what I'm saying. Yes, let's. - This is the problem. I never knew how to use a bidet in Europe 'cause I would splash everywhere. You're supposed to take down your whole pants, everything? - I jerked off on one of those in Vegas. - Okay, that was a great story. Thank you so much Rob for being here. - I did. - You jerked off into a bidet? - No, no, no, no, like I let it, I let it, like, so I was like, what would this feel like? 'Cause I never used a bidet in my life. And they gave, like it was an appearance, like to do an appearance. They gave me this crazy nice room by myself. And I was like, I got nothing to do. I'm just like looking around for stuff to do. After I pooped, I'm like, oh, let me use a bidet for the first time. So you like, you squat over it, you turn the knob, and then it washes your butt. - Yeah. - And I was like, if I jerked off with this thing spraying my butt with the water, it'd probably be phenomenal. So I did it. - And it was. - It was fucking awesome. - You need to get a bidet again. - And you know what, something that nice, I only did it that one time, never did it again. - Really? - Yeah, well, because the bidets now are like the, like, fucking bidet, like, shoots water at you, this was just like a nice run kind of, like it was like a fountain no most. So it wasn't like a direct, like, that's not really pleasurable, the bidet that like shoots like a water gun. Like when you're at the carnival, and you shoot in the, - No, I know. - Sounds mouth. - Too much. - Yeah, that's what it's like. So that's not like, oh, I want to jerk off on this. But in, in, in, Haraz, when they gave me that really nice room, I was like, hey, let me jerk off on this bidet. Reporting live from Haraz bidet. (laughing) - You just inspired all the male listeners of this show to jerk off on their bidets. Thank you so much, Rob Eiler. - God bless. - We're being here and sharing that with us, and. - Thank you for having me. It's been a while. I miss, I miss Podden with you. It's been a long time. - It's been a long time. - I used to do where my mom's at all the time, and have fun. - I know. - I'm happier better now. I'm happier back. - She's back, she's here, she's queer, used to her. - Get well soon, Tom. - Yeah, get well soon, he's in rehab. - Yeah. - All right. Well, I love you, mommy's. Okay, until next time. - Well, how would you know how to identify a stinky beef? - Take her to a club. I can tell you some other ways. Take a finger her, and then take a chance and go smell it. - Definitely. If you're going to go through the trouble of having her twerk, and then finding her degree, and using sniff them, why don't I just hit that one there and find out? Make her twerk. You should say, I can't twerk, because it's smelly. We see? [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING]