Speaker 1Most people think relapse just happens. Not true. Relapse happens long before the first drink. Happens in your brain, in tiny moments you don't even notice. Alright, so today we're breaking down exactly how relapse happens, the science behind it, and tools to stop before it starts. Hey guys, my name's Anthony. I'm in recovery. Came into recovery in 2015. Struggled with substances, including alcohol and stimulants. I've been to multiple rehabs. I relapsed after 8 years sober. I am now in addictions counselling. I work at a rehab. And I'm here today to tell you everything I've learned. I am definitely an expert in relapse, that's for sure. I've had a few of them. I've studied them. I've spent a long time analyzing what went wrong. And now I'm going to bring it to you, as well as a little bit of science behind it, and then the stages of relapse I'm going to talk about. I'll also throw in a little bit about my last relapse, and how it happened, and so that you don't have to. You can avoid this going forward, because I'll tell you right now, I don't recommend relapse to anybody. But if it's going to get you into recovery faster, it could be a good thing. And for me, it was a good thing, because I did learn a lot about myself. Most importantly, that I have lost my right to chemical peace of mind. I cannot safely use outside things to change my insides. And I'll do it all the time. I'll do it with gambling. I'll do it with relationships. I'll do it with food. I use outside things to change my insides. My goal today isn't to shame anybody. I'm going to explain relapse in a way that maybe it'll finally make sense for you. And then maybe you can avoid it, and save yourself the mental anguish, and others around you, the pain of having to watch you go through that again. I'm going to talk about how recovery is a process, and not necessarily an event. It doesn't just happen overnight. These things have been brewing up for a while. You emotionally relapse before you... physically relapse, in my experience. And that most people relapse, not because they're weak, but just they don't have the tools. I didn't have the tools to look for certain things before it happened. And then also, it's one thing to have the tools to know what to look for before it happens. It's another thing to do something about it, right? To call someone and tell them you want a drink, or to go to that meeting that you really don't want to go to, because you're ashamed you're feeling this way. So I'm going to talk about the three-phase model, and starting with phase one, emotional relapse. Nobody really talks about this phase, because it's not obvious, and a lot of people don't know that they're there. Nothing really looks wrong from the outside. It's sort of like the duck, right? The duck swimming, everything looks good on the surface, but underneath, you're paddling like a fucking madman. So the key point here is, you're not physically using yet. You're not even thinking about using or drinking yet. That's the key point. It hasn't even crossed your mind, right? You're not thinking, most people relapse, in my experience, I relapsed when I wasn't thinking about relapsing. A lot of people also relapse when they think they're immune to relapse, right? And they're, "I have some sober time now. I'm good. I'm cured. I'm fixed. I'm immune to relapse." Very dangerous place to be. Huge red flag if you catch yourself feeling or thinking like that. So the important part here is, your behaviors are creating the conditions for the relapse. Some signs that you're in this phase: poor sleep, isolating, skipping meetings, support groups, irritability, restlessness, bottling your emotions, stuffing it down. And saying, "I'm fine," when really you need help. So emotional relapse is essentially disconnecting. You're disconnecting from your recovery behaviors, your recovery tools, right? Those habits that you've built up, up until this point. It could be slowly, one by one, you stop going to a meeting here or there. You stop calling somebody here and there. You stop talking about certain things you used to talk about with other people. And so the nervous system moves into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, which is an emotional relapse. And so the nervous system moves into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, which is an emotional relapse. And so the nervous system moves into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, which is an emotional relapse. And so the nervous system moves into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, which is an emotional relapse. And so the nervous system moves into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, which is an emotional relapse. And so the nervous system moves into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, which is an emotional relapse. And so the nervous system moves into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, which is an emotional relapse. 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And so the nervous system moves into fight, fight, freeze, or fawn, which is an emotional relapse. maybe you can reverse it for next time i find that we we're patterned people right we we tend to do the same things over and over again so if i can recognize my pattern of why i need to use drugs and drink then i can stop it before it happened for me a big one is fear boredom right like is this all my life is now i talk about that a lot here is this all my life is now and i can't imagine living another day in this boring whole of a life when sometimes i just need to push through and white knuckle through those moments to get through the other side because i'll tell you every time i've done that i felt a thousand times better whenever i've successfully battled a trigger craving a thought with other people's help because i can't do it alone as i always say i felt a thousand times better bar none remember relapse isn't one moment it's a thousand small unchecked moments all right now i'm gonna talk about why relapse happens so root causes maybe this will help you identify why you have relapsed in the past and how to avoid it and again there are a lot of reasons for a lot of us but these are just the ones that i can come up with so one is unmanaged stress the brain seeks relief over logic a lot of the time and alternatives to handling stress would be for me it's meditation grounding techniques right sometimes using your five senses so if i'm sitting down and i'm really spinning out focus on what i can see what i can hear what i can touch what i can smell focus on the senses and that'll ground you phoning a friend is a big one for me now so calling someone and just saying hey how's it going asking them about their day and then if you feel comfortable with that person saying hey i'm spinning out right now what do you think about this right hey can i bounce something off you hey i'm feeling this way what do you think going outside is another good one going to the gym getting physical moving your body in some sort of capacity get off the couch reason two isolation and disconnection so the opposite of addiction is connection that means addiction's best friend is isolation here's what being alone does to me at least and i think to a lot of people when i'm alone i'm the only one checking my ideas right it's a dangerous place to be where i'm like you know i'm spinning out about the fear of the future or if i you know i'm not making enough money at this job and i shouldn't have left my old job to become a counselor and you know i made a mistake and the podcast isn't doing the way i want it to do so now i'm stressed about that i spin all these ideas in my head and they just become true more true as i think about them they're ruminating in my head i'm not getting them out they have all the power they're renting the entirety of my head easy solution to this one sorry simple solution to this one going to a meeting any support group talking to your therapist online communities going for coffee with a friend easy quick little wins coffee with a friend is a favorite one reason three this one is so common in early recovery in the rehab that i work at and i just actually dealt with it today with the guy overconfidence i'm doing good i'm better now i'm cured complacency is by far the highest risk of relapse right it wasn't that bad guys don't worry i've got this resting on our laurels right just coasting in recovery dangerous dangerous place to be you do all this work to get sober and then slowly but surely you drop the tools one by one i don't need to go to that many meetings anymore i don't need to do this i don't need to do that i don't need to talk about my thoughts i'm better now if addiction is a progressive disease which it is that means it's progressing as you get sober so that means i'm my addiction is stronger than it was 11 years ago that means to me i need to do more work than i did 11 years ago it might look different right sure i'm not going to five meetings a week but i have to put in the work 24 hours a day i do different things now 24 hours a day like talk to my higher power calling people going to my home group every single especially when i don't want to and trust me i don't want to a lot of them so confidence is good complacency is lethal and deadly reason for emotional avoidance most relapse isn't about wanting the substance it's not about the high it's wanting the escape the safety net of checking out quite i always say this but turning down the volume knob on your thoughts that's what it did for me at least ted tomorrow didn't matter when i was high and drunk nothing mattered i crave that nothing matters feeling so if we're constantly avoiding our emotions mainly shame anger is a big one resentment self-hatred self-pity if we're constantly avoiding and stuffing down and not talking about it not dealing with it not facing it not sitting with it but sitting in it instead of sitting with it right not analyzing it not being honest about it we're doomed it's only a matter of time before your brain fills up and seeks that pressure release valve right that steam needs to blow off and we know how to do that quick and easy with drugs and alcohol but it's never quick and easy is it it never ends up quick and easy because we're addicts or alcoholics or both all right how to stop relapse before it starts i'm going to give you some tools here okay so tool one pattern recognition start tracking the early signs with with journaling phone apps whatever track it analyze your patterns so sleep isolation irritability have i been isolating more this week at the end of the day think about it write it down what did i do right today what do i need to improve on today am i more irritable am i lashing out at my loved ones these are all signs so there's the rule of three that we can also track here where you're writing down three stressful events three emotional triggers and three days in a row without recovery action if you can name your patterns you can identify your patterns you can interrupt them tool two immediate interrupt technique so this is in the moment stop it in its tracks call or text someone that's a big one and if they don't answer call or text the next guy or girl go to a meeting there's online ones i did a whole podcast episode about different types of recovery meetings pick one change your environment immediately go outside go to a coffee shop get out of your head move use grounding techniques the five senses that i talked about also there's uh you know counting down from five three deep breaths in and then three long breaths out or breathing in for four seconds holding it for four seconds breathing out for six seconds urge surfing so delaying the urge riding the wave uh wait 10 or 15 minutes just wait it out do something else instead this too shall pass i promise you it'll pass not in your time but it will pass every craving does there's usually a peak and then a fall much like a wave tool three build a relapse prevention plan okay a lot of you that have been to rehab have done this before it's very simple very effective write down have a list of who you can call what you can do where you can go what thoughts are red flags for you and what actions you need to commit to daily write this all down and follow it if this all sounds like a lot too you don't need to do all of this in one sitting and you're not you haven't failed if you don't do any of these right start implementing one tool at a time start implementing one thing at a time start analyzing you know build small wins right you don't need to swallow this all whole in one day you don't need to do this all it doesn't happen overnight recovery does not happen overnight it's built in small wins small moments getting through hard things recovery is not built on motivation it's built on systems repeated actions tools and when in doubt call another alcoholic or addict will save the day when you don't know what to do next reach out your hand ask someone that has more sober time than you how to get through it they will help you if they're in a good place spiritually and in a good recovery working a good recovery program and if you have a little more time and you're a little bit more steady in your recovery go and help someone else i'm telling you service is the greatest tool recovery has to offer i bar none being of service to somebody else gets you out of your and into their when i'm sitting down next to another guy who's struggling or in recovery i'm not thinking about my problems i'm not thinking about myself i'm listening to them i'm trying to get them out of their shit i'm listening to them i'm trying to get them out of their shit i'm trying to get them out of their shit i'm listening to them i'm trying to get them out of their shit i'm trying to get them out of their shit i'm listening to them i'm trying to get them out of their shit i'm trying to get them out of their shit i'm listening to them i'm trying to help them i'm being of service try it it works relapse can be a part of recovery but it does not have to be when i first went into rehab at 23 i stayed sober and clean for eight years without one slip one relapse and then i did i didn't think i was going to relapse and as my therapist always says relapse happens when you're not thinking about relapse so be honest with yourself analyze these things think about the tools i've given you today start to look back on your past relapses and and analyze them you know don't sit in it and obsess over it don't beat yourself up about it that's the other thing you're of no use to yourself or anyone if you're beating yourself up about relapsing it's not failure it can be a part of the process for me relapsing after eight years coming back in was the hardest thing i've ever done admitting to my friends who have known me as the sober guy for eight years that i relapsed i thought i lost it all you don't lose it all you can jump back on the horse any moments that's the best part about recovery is when i'm falling off the beam a little bit when i'm falling off the horse i can get back on within seconds falling off in my experience takes a little bit more longer of a time right but i can immediately jump back on the recovery in the recovery saddle today right now one thing at a time i've had many relapses in my life three major ones I've learned something from every single one of them. Let your relapse be an enhancement to your recovery. Let it be an opportunity for growth, not a failure. Learn from it. Your plan maybe was broken. Maybe your plan wasn't the right plan for you. Revise that plan, rewrite the story, and push forward. Be of service, help others. You can get through this. Push through the tough moments. Ask for help. Do the next right thing. If you can't do the next right thing, do the next thing right. Okay, guys, thanks so much for being here today. I am so appreciative of all of you. The holidays are coming. It's a tough time. Send me a message if you want me to talk about anything specific. I will do so. Please, please, please, if you like the podcast, subscribe, follow, rate the podcast. That is the best payment I could receive from you. It helps me. It helps my family. I appreciate you. I love you. Enjoy the holidays. Pay it forward. The gift that was freely given to you. And just remember this. You don't have to drink or use drugs today. You don't have to. I know it feels sometimes like you do have to. It does get easier. It does get better. And then it gets worse. And then it gets better. And then it gets worse. But it is so fucking worth it. You are worth it.
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