Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast, the deeper dive episodes designed to unpick a thorny topic so you can take away manageable actions which you can implement today. I'm your host, Dr. Mary-Han, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode is one I feel genuinely passionate about because I think it speaks to something almost every parent I've ever worked with carries quietly. The worry that they're not doing enough, not present enough, not connected enough, that the days are slipping by and they're somehow missing it. I want to start with a question, all right, before we go into it. So, I'm going to start with a question. So, I'm going to start a question. I'm going to start with a question. they need to feel capable, given small responsibilities, genuinely heard, encouraged to try new things. They need room to struggle because boredom, frustration and occasional failures are actually how resilience is built. Yeah, we're not doing our children any favours by smoothing everything out. And this is the uncomfortable one. They need a regulated adult nearby. Children borrow their sense of safety from us. You don't have to be perfectly calm, but repairing when things go wrong and showing them what regulation actually looks like matters enormously. Your child cannot be what they cannot see. And I know that some of you will be listening to this and will be nodding and saying, I get it, Mary-Anne, I'm trying that. But every time I try and help my child when they're having a big emotion, they just won't self-regulate. But what I'm saying in this is when you have those moments, and I know we're not covering big emotions in this particular episode, but I always feel it's important and it's worthwhile me emphasising this, is when your child is dysregulated, if they are in their primitive emotional brain. So what you can do to help them in those moments is do the breathing techniques out loud in front of them for you, not Johnny or Jack or Sophie, you should be doing that. Why don't you take a deep breath? Instead, simply take your breath. Do the things that you would encourage them to do any other time. Let yourself demonstrate that you are trying to regulate yourself. And over time, that will have an impact on your child, if not for anything else, that you will approach the scenario that you're supporting them with from that regulated place. So all of the things I've talked about in terms of what your child needs, none of this requires you to be all day. It literally just requires you to be present in moments and to make those moments count. And those moments can be literally micro moments of five minutes. And that's what we're going to do now. So those micro moments that make those biggest difference. So I'm going to share a few of these micro moments with you. So just so that you can see that there's possibility here. So I'm going to get super practical now, because the whole premise of today is that you don't need hours. You just need intention. So here are the micro moments I come back to most often with parents. And they all take under 10 minutes. And they are likely to be scenarios that play out every single day that you can grab for yourself. So the first one is simply the two minute reunion. So when you first see your child, whether that's in the morning, whether that's after school, whether that's after work, whether that's just before bedtime, whatever that is, stop what you're doing, make eye contact, smile, maybe incorporate some physical touch if that feels natural, a hug, a hand on the shoulder, and say something personal. Yeah, something that feels genuinely something that you would say that seems natural. I missed you. I'm so glad to see you. That tiny moment sends a signal that cuts through all of the noise of the day. You matter to me. So the first two minutes, it costs nothing. And that is literally, you could be on the phone, you could be in the middle of a shopping list, you could be in the middle of chopping something, you could be tidying something, you could be getting out of the car, whatever it is, the fact that your child sees you stopping what you are doing, making eye contact, and having those share that literally those couple of moments and whether that's helpful. I used to sort of think of this as the sort of the first greeting. But when I reframed it as this two minute conversation, I think certainly for my brain, it was really helpful in terms of the gravitas of that, you know, I am reconnecting, it's a reunion, I haven't seen my child for whatever that time span is. So it helped me be more intentional in how I was because it was this reunion bit. It's that greeting a long lost friend that you haven't seen for ages, you would stop what you were doing for those moments, and you would give them that undivided attention. And that literally takes two minutes. And yet the impact of that for your child in terms of that validation feeling seen and feeling connected with you will pay dividends all over. So that's the first one, the two minute reunion. The second way that we can connect to our children is just simply name one feeling. Now, this sounds possibly from the title sounds a little bit contrived, but you are, you know, once a day, at least once a day, let's be honest, multiple times a day, you are going to be responding to your child in a way that relates to their emotions. So naming one feeling is almost just like your target for the day is to simply do, do this once, you know, once a day, help your child process one emotion that they have felt. Yeah. So maybe you might say you seemed frustrated earlier. Was that right? God, that looked really exciting. What did it feel like? No fixing, no lectures, just simply noticing and naming. And we can do this, obviously, you know, when they're frustrated and irritated and annoyed, and jealous and angry, but we can also do it when they're feeling all of the sort of the emotions that we, you know, that they want to feel like being excited and happy and joyful. But what we're just simply doing is we're making it habitual about naming emotions and the emotions have names, and that we are able to recognize those. So we're noticing we're naming them because that builds emotional intelligence. And it takes just less, literally less than a minute. And over time, it teaches your child that their inner life, what's going on inside them is visible to you, and also safe with you. Yeah, that's an extraordinary gift for your child to see, is that my parents can see my emotions on the outside. And there's safety in that there's no judgment, they're not trying to fix it, they acknowledge it. And it's a safe place for it to be. And as we know, emotional intelligence is a greater predictor of success, of joyful ness of social relationships, and all other aspects that we would typically use to measure success, more so than what we traditionally think of in terms of intelligence, and kind of the traditional IQ. So we've got the two minute reunion, we've got the name one feeling. The third one is just 10 minutes of following their lead. So it is a, you know, you're basically setting yourself a very short window, a very short time. Even five minutes, doesn't have to be 10, if you can't do 10. But between five and 10 minutes, where you have no phone, and your child has no phone, no agenda, and no correcting, what you're doing is you're letting them choose the activity. And your role is simply to follow, you play what they want to play, you're fully there. The magic isn't actually the activity itself. It's that they're in charge, and you are that present adult. Children feel deeply seen in this kind of time. And it fills up their tank in a way that half an hour of distracted togetherness simply cannot. And more often than not, you'll find yourself, it will be quite surprising, actually, that you might have set aside 10 minutes, let's say, but five minutes might just be enough for your child, they might not need the full 10. You know, when our children truly get our undistracted selves, and are fully present selves, that's more than that, you know, those precious moments, those few moments matter more, and feel of greater magnitude, the long periods of time where we're sort of distracted. So that's the 10 minutes of following their lead. And then the last one is the pause before you help. This is a really good one to practice. You know me, I'm always a work in progress when it comes to being a control enthusiast. So this is one that I've had to work on quite a lot. And I've had to a lot. So when your child is stuck, just wait a few seconds longer than feels comfortable for you before stepping in, then say, have a go. I'm right here if you need me. But just that pause, just that reassurance to have a go, and I'm here with you. That small suspension of that urge to rescue builds resilience in real time. We're not having to orchestrate, a resilient exposure situation. We are simply using those moments that arise to build it in real time. Because what it says is, I believe you can do this. I'm here, but I believe that you can do it. So those are just four things that we can do, those micro moments that can have the biggest impact. Now, what I'd like to also do, because obviously, I want to do a belts and braces and a very thorough go at this is that how do we stay connected with our children when we're not actually physically present. So I want to talk about sort of tools and strategies that I think are genuinely underused by parents. And you can use these even when you see them. But these are really great tools to use if you are going to have extended periods of time where you're not going to see your children. What I want to share is some creative use of connection when we have that distance. Because sometimes you really can't be there. A long shift, a work trip, a period of unusual, pressure at home or at work, maybe you've got one of the other children that's going through a particularly tricky time and it means that you can't be as fully present as you normally are. And the question becomes, how do you stay present for your child even when you're physically absent? So I want to share three ideas that I love. They're simple, they're low-tech, and in my experience, they can be surprisingly powerful. So the first one is the handwritten note. We don't do this often enough, but because we don't do it very often, the people receiving them, it really makes a huge difference. So there is something about handwritten note that a text message simply cannot replicate. It's tactile. It takes a moment of thought. It says, I slowed down and I was thinking specifically about you. So it doesn't need to be long. A single line tucked into a lunchbox, left on a pillow, slipped inside a coat pocket, can carry an enormous amount of warmth. You know, it's, I'm thinking of you today. I saw something this morning and it made me think of you. I'm proud of you for what you did yesterday. Even very young children who can't yet read will understand that something was made specifically for them. And children who can read will often keep these notes for years. I still hear from adult children who kept every note their parent ever left them. I've still got ones that I was sent. And there's also something meaningful in the act of reading. Because it forces you to pause and name something you genuinely appreciate about your child. And that's a good thing to do regardless. So maybe I'm going to give you a little bit of a homework here. Try hiding a note somewhere unexpected, inside a shoe, under a breakfast bowl, folded into a favourite book. The surprise of finding it is part of the connection too. So that's one underutilised tool, I think. Voice notes. I love a voice note. It has become my absolute go-to because I think it's actually, I feel it's more personal than an email. And some of you who have sent in questions will have received a voice note from me thanking you for your suggested episode. Because I think that that's a really lovely personal thing. I can't write to you other than email because I don't have your address. And to me that feels really personal. And when someone sends me a voice note, I feel like it's something that's really special to me. And I think that's a really special thing. Because they don't have my address or they don't have my phone number to call me. So if your child has access to a device or to someone else's device, so this doesn't have to be that they've necessarily got a phone, but they have, maybe you've got, you know, they go to a childminder and so that note that you sent could be played to them by that. Maybe a co-parent's picking them up, maybe another parent. You know, it's just a simple voice recorder of any form. Audio messages are a beautiful way to bridge absence. There's a technique to it. So you might record a short message before you leave in the morning. Good morning. I'm off to work, but I wanted to say hello before you woke up. I'm thinking of you. Have a brilliant day. Or record a little observation from your day on the way home. It doesn't matter what you say. The act of speaking to your child and them hearing your voice is what carries the weight. And this works both ways. Because remember, your child can send you a voice note about their day, even a rambling two minute account of something inconsequential that happened at school. That's connection. That is them inviting you into their day. And some families keep a shared voice message box, a device or simple app that where a parent and a child leave audio messages for each other, almost like an ongoing conversation that runs alongside daily life. I do think I had a recollection that there was when I worked with a family a long time ago. So this must be I must look it up is was that the the Child Care Institute, the provider, the nursery had a mechanism that went home with little with where they where they left messages for the parents about how the child had been. And then the parents could then send a message back. And that was definitely not on mobile or anything. So it's just beautiful. I love that one. And then the third thing that you might not have considered are games that you play across time. And I gave you a little teaser at the beginning of the episode. So this is the one I want you to really sit with because I think it's genuinely creative. And I've seen how meaningful it can be for families. What if a game didn't require you to be in the same room at the same time? So take something as simple as snakes and ladders. You don't have to be that. But take something as simple as that. You leave the board set up somewhere in the house, kitchen table, corner of the living room. You take your turn before you leave for work in the morning. Your child comes home and takes their turn. You return that evening and take yours. And the game plays out slowly across the hours of the day or even across several days or even a week. It sounds small, but think what it actually does. Your child thinks of you while you're apart. They move a piece on a board and they think of you. I think that that's where mum left or dad left. That's where dad was this morning. You are present in the house even when you're not there. And when you do see each other, there's something to talk about. Did you fall down the snake? I'm nearly at home. I might beat you tonight. A tiny warm thread running through the day. You can do the same with noughts and crosses, chess, drafts, a jigsaw puzzle with a last piece before I left tradition or even a shared colouring page. Where each of you add something each day. The medium matters less than the habit of reaching across that gap of physical absence. So leave a small note even. You can do two things at the same time. Leaving a note next to the board when you take your turn or a comment, a tease that you think you're going to win, a tiny drawing. It turns a game into a correspondence. I've shared today is about doing more. The pressure on parents to optimise, improve and add to their already full plates is relentless. And I have absolutely no interest in adding to it. What I'm describing is simpler than that. It's about being a little bit more awake to the moments that are already there rather than creating new ones. The two minutes when you first see each other, the name of a feeling, the note you could write in the same time it takes you to scribe. The board game that plays itself slowly across the hours of a working day. Your children don't need a perfect parent. They need a parent who shows up imperfectly, honestly, consistently, who repairs when things go wrong, who stays connected even across distances, even in small ways. And here's what decades of research into child development actually tells us. That's enough. Enough. In fact, for children, it is everything. Remember, small changes make a big difference when it comes to raising happy, healthy and resilient children. And it really is possible to not screw up your kids. I'd love to know how you get on with today's episode. Drop me an email and tell me which of the ideas resonate most. Contact at drmerryhand.com. And if this episode has been helpful, it would mean the world if you could take a moment. To leave a review. It genuinely helps other parents find the podcast. Until next time, take good care of yourselves and each other.
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