Why Gentle Parenting Can Backfire: What Parents Get Wrong About Boundaries, Consequences, and Raising Resilient Kids

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To learn more and start your free trial go to AuraParents.com/ICP Hello and welcome to the Childside Podcast. I'm Tanya Johnson. And I'm Tammy Shemun. We're registered psychologists, registered play therapists, co-founders of the Institute of Childs Ecology and most importantly we're moms to five beautiful kids. And today we're going to be talking about gentle parenting and why it can not always but can backfire. And we're also going to discuss maybe some of the misconceptions about what the heck gentle parenting is and what it actually isn't. And we'll kind of set the record straight and give you some ideas on what type of parenting we should be following, whether we call gentle parenting or not. So I think ready at the base of this, we need to chat about the fact that gentle parenting often gets mistaken for permissive parenting. What gentle parenting is supposed to be is high warmth and high boundaries. But too often it becomes zero boundaries with parents getting terrified of actually causing their child a little bit of distress by enforcing rules. I think this comes from maybe parents were parented in a way that they didn't feel honored. Like so they were hit, they were spanked, they were locked in rooms, their feelings were completely disregarded. So parents basically go the other way like the pendulum swings and they say I'm not going to parent the way I was parented. That's what they're doing. But if we were parented in a way that left no room, no room for our feelings when we were younger, we haven't walked the walk of being able to handle our kiddos hard feelings. So I think what ends up happening is they parents don't want to do what their parents did. They're like I'm not going to yell, I don't want to scare my kids, I don't want to hit my kids, I don't want to do those things because I didn't feel safe when I was a child. But then when kiddos feelings come up, big feelings like whether they're scared or angry or throwing a tantrum, that parent has never had the opportunity to understand how to sit with those kiddos feelings because no one ever sat with them through theirs. So I think in theory they want to do gentle parenting, which is like you said, is high warmth. It also means high expectations. It means boundaries, it means you being in charge. It doesn't mean we don't honor their thoughts and feelings, but we definitely need to be in the driver's seat, especially with younger kiddos. And what ends up happening is there's a bit of I think misapplied pieces with permissive parenting where they go into a piecement sort of things like trying to bribe the child or try to say, oh, all feelings are welcome and all behaviors are welcome. Instead of saying all feelings are welcome, but that behavior's not okay. So I think that's what happens is there like I want to do it differently, but these parents haven't always learned how to tolerate their kids feelings yet. This I mean, it's so interesting as you're speaking. I can see all of these parents who probably came from an authoritarian household where it was top down. We don't talk about feelings. There's no space for your feelings and they're trying so hard to do something different with their kids, but in turn they're recreating the same cycle because there's no space for the parents feelings in this. There's no space for them to go like, actually, this might experience or let's actually process what's happening here. It's a different type of containment that's happening that's almost asking the parents to be robotic. So the parent is trying to repair themselves, but really what ends up happening is it becomes quite robotic with these like beautiful little validation scripts, but nobody's actually being authentic in this process. Yeah, that's actually a really good point. I haven't thought about that way actually. I just I've witnessed it. You know, like these parents trying really hard and they are. It's not a bunch. It's not the issue isn't the gentleness. I think these parents who are executing half of gentle parenting, correct, which is warmth and empathy, validation. Like they're doing that piece, but there's an element underneath that you say they're robotic and really it's kind of checked out from their kids feelings because they're checked out from theirs. Like there's a bit of a panic and discomfort with the dynamic that is going up in on in that moment with that child and the parent is very. I guess very unsettled with their kids feelings and they can't co-regulate the child. Their nervous system is twitching. Their nervous system is vibrating. This is reminiscent. This is reminiscent when they were young, right, of of the crying or the anger that they weren't allowed to express and then all of a sudden their kiddo's doing it in there. They're like, I don't know how to walk this walk. I don't really know what to do in this moment. And that kiddo needs that like really, I think, safe leader in that moment. So I remember Gordon Newfell once saying to one of us anyway in a presentation or a training that you have to be the angel of futility and then the angel of comfort. Oh, I love that so much. So much. Yes. So I think that's part of it is that the boundary setting is hard for them. The holding space for the feelings while staying regulated. I think they're not regulated maybe underneath. Exactly. And I think Eli, we talked to her about that in a podcast once. Yeah. And you know, that's such a beautiful point is that while we can gently validate if we are not common beneath, we know the co-regulation really is any sense of helping out kids. So while I might be able to say the words calmly, if underneath there's a storm ring because there's no space to actually be able to parent my child, I don't feel like I'm able to actually put in those limits. We're not giving a kid what they need, which is that safe anchor where we're working on our own regulation to help them actually regulate the words by themselves mean nothing. And so I think really it's a step back to go, OK, how do we really come in as an anchor for our child? How do we start to really focus on regulating our own systems so that our talk and start to regulate their nervous system? Yeah, because I mean, it's a it's a two way process, right? It's there's two little nervous systems that are interact or ones little ones a little bigger, but they're interacting with one another. So I think we have to kind of, but the parents got to come first, right? We can't we got to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first. So I think that's that re-parenting piece you kind of mentioned earlier. Yeah, that's funny. We've spoken about, we know a few times in this podcast, so when it is highly sensitive and she will say to me, she'll say to me, mom, when you're mad, you are so calm, but your eyes often will look angry. And that's that's all for you. They pick it up. That's just picking up the regulation. It's like you're saying all of the right things and doing all of the right things, but actually your body language is telling me something really different, which is actually very confusing for a child. So, you know, for parents and their own journey and my journey, I've really had to figure out how am I feeling inside? How do I start to regulate more so that I'm not doing two different things at the same time here? And I want to go back to what you said earlier about the, you know, when we think of gentle parenting, it's really a form of authoritative parenting. And so the warmth these parents get gentle parenting has the warmth, but they forget that understanding is essential, but it's not really enough for kiddos. You know, a kiddo can feel deeply understood, but they still need an adult there to draw a line and say like, this is not okay or the answer is still no. You're allowed to feel sad or disappointed. And I think what parents miss there is the no, the line, whatever that is, removing the child from a situation, maybe where they're misbehaving or they're being, you know, hands on what they're sibling, whatever that is. That makes kids feel safe that they have someone in there who's more competent, who knows what they're doing. And it says, I'm the parent, I can hold the boundary and I'm competent to take care of you. Like, I'm the leader here and kids can rest in that knowing someone's in charge, knowing someone is competent in their care and that their, the child's behavior is not good. or the child's feelings can't shake that parent. I mean, that is we do get shaken, but for the most part, the message is like, "I can handle you, and I'm here, and I'm with you." Yeah, and I think that when kids have that person who is a safe container for them, it allows them to just be kids. They don't have to be hypervigilant to say, "Am I safe? Am I not safe?" Because if we don't have an adult who can contain them, then kids are constantly trying to figure out, "Am I okay or not?" And so when we have those warm limits, those boundaries, they go, "Okay, I know that I can just play and be, and I have my person here who can hold the rest of the world for me around me." Yeah, because if they don't feel that they're being held, if they don't feel like someone's in charge, they are going to try to take charge. That's what happens. In any attachment relationship, we have hierarchy at every given moment. Now, in our adult relationships, we should be taking turns in hierarchy, meaning like one person is receiving care, one person is giving care. But with kiddos, I firmly believe that kids need to feel like we are in charge, that we are in the provider role, and they are receiving care from us. But it flips on its end, if they don't feel that we can be that safe container for them, that we can hold limits and boundaries for them, they're going to say, "Okay, well, someone's got to be in charge in this relationship, so I guess it's me." And that's frightening for kids, like to be put in that position. You know, Gabor Matey and Dr. Gordon, you felt have a beautiful book called Hold On to Your Kids, and they talk about this. They say that, you know, with the rise of social media and on the health-stress of life has become, a lot of that leadership has become more horizontal. So kids are looking to their peers for leadership and for guidance. And the outcomes there are not quite at all. What kids desperately need is they need leadership above them so that they can follow that leadership and know how to actually move forward in the world. Yeah, I think parents are like, "Oh, we want to be more egalitarian, and we want to honor our kids. We don't want to feel like we're disregarding our kids." And this is about developmental pieces here. We've got a kiddo, and it doesn't mean they're not equal to us. Like, of course, equal, I don't mean in power and caretaking. I mean, of course, their needs are just as important as the adults, right? We still want to honor their feelings and their perspectives, but I got to remember here, we've got a kiddo who's very vulnerable. Their brain is underdeveloped. Their bodies are a lot smaller. Like, they, that executive functioning isn't there. So that vulnerability creates responsibility for us to be a leader for them. And I think this isn't about equal rights. But I think people get that mixed up. They're like, "Well, I was treated less than as a child, and we're like, this isn't about treating your child less than. But there's responsibility here because your child can't run the show. They literally don't have the hardware yet in their brain to take care of that relationship and to take care of all of their needs." So that is where we come in, like Dr. Newfield said, as that, you know, the agent of utility and the angel of comfort is being losing. Like, you're allowed to feel all the feelings, but I'm going to let you know if that behavior's not okay. If you need to, you know, hold my hand across the street. No, you can't have the cookie before dinner. No, you can't have unlimited screen time. You know, all these things where we have to come in and I feel like some parents, not all parents, but the parents may be in the gentle parenting camp. Sometimes where it gets a little mixed up with permissive parenting is they're desperately trying to be liked by their child. To be their child's friend, they don't want to disappoint their child. They want to be, you know, liked by their child. And of course, we want to be in good relationship with our kiddo. But I'm always reminding parents, I'm sure you do, and your consults, to Tan, like, were not their friends, were their parent. And they are not going to like some of the choices we make for them. They're not going to like boundaries. They're not going to like the nose, but nobody likes to hear no. Nobody enjoys boundary setting. Like, it's hard. But they're safety in it, though. There's predictability in it, too. Absolutely. And we know, Tim, you and I always refer to research that is decades old on the different parenting styles. And really, the type of parenting style that Tim and I are talking about here is the authoritative parenting style, which is, has those boundaries, but it's very warm and it's very responsive parenting, but those boundaries are in place. And that is the type of parenting style that has the best long term outcomes for kiddos. That permissive parenting style that we're talking about at the beginning has some of the worst outcomes in terms of mental health and wellness for children, long term. Right. So if we were actually following gentle parenting and how it was supposed to be, we'd be looking, so any of you who want to go on chat, GPT or Google, look up authoritative parent, not authoritarian, authoritative parenting. Because that's really what gentle pairing is trying to do. But what we see is parents missing that boundary setting. They're missing holding the limit with their child, like having limits and expectations and in some cases consequences for a child's behavior or setting limits on, you know, when kiddos hit or they kick or they steal something or you know, the thing kids will do to make mistakes, they lie or whatever that is that parents are struggling with, there has to be that, the expectations for behavior and strong values within the family about what is expected of this child and what is expected of all the family members. It's not just the child. Having those concrete values is really important that they flow through all the members of the family. And I think in turn as to your child, this is a space of belonging, this is who we are, this is what's important to us. And then it gives a child again that sense of anchor as they move through the world. One thing I'd love to say here to Emmys, I think, when we come in with those limits in place for kids, it prepares them for the real world. So when we have kids who are constantly given what they need, they're constantly validated, it doesn't develop a sense of resiliency in them. Whereas I know this is a note. So what I do with that disappointment, when kids never learn that, and they will eventually grow up and be disappointed and hear those notes and not get the job and maybe get fired, it doesn't prepare them for what's going to happen later on in life. Yeah, and I think that's what we're seeing, this generation of kiddos who grew up on gentle parenting misapplied, okay, gentle playing, we're going to call it misapplied. And then they get to college, and I was talking with them, somebody who teaches at even the master's level, at in university. And just he explaining to me that these kids can't handle disappointment, they can't handle being told no, they can't handle things not going their way, they've never been able to tolerate futility, they've always had someone advocating for them, someone always is kind of like those snowplow parents or we helicopter parents, do I think sometimes those types of parenting get thrown into the mix here too, where because maybe some parents can't tolerate their child not doing well or their child being upset, they're very quick to jump in and do things for their child. But then when that parents removed, hence like my daughter's graduating from high school right now, I think of her going out into the world, she's going to fall on her face a few times, but I'm going to make sure that she does that at home, and she hears no, and she feels like this is what happens when we make mistakes, right? And then when she goes on through a world, and she feels disappointment and she makes mistakes, she's like, I've done this dance before, it does turn out okay, I actually can't handle it, I do bounce back from it, and my parents still love me, and I'm okay, and it's hard, but I can do hard things. Beautiful, I love it. So really just a thing of what we're looking at is boundaries, warm boundaries, consistent values for our kids, our ability to reflect afterwards and repair when needed with our children, and to hold everybody in the family accountable. Beautiful. We hope that this was helpful to everybody, so again, nothing wrong with gentle parenting when applied the way it was supposed to, which is authoritative parenting. What we don't want it to do is go down to permissive parenting, right? So all the warrants, but no limits in boundaries. Kids need a container here, they need, they need, they need, they need, uh, hand rails, they need guard rails kind of as they walk through life here a little bit. So thank you everyone, and we hope you have a wonderful day, and we'll see you next week. Thanks everyone. We would love to continue to walk with you on your parenting and professional journey, whether you're looking to enroll in a single course, join our three summits, we'll sign up for either our professional or parenting membership. We have something for everyone. And if you haven't joined us yet, our Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, and weekly newsletters are full of free resources and quick tips. Links can be found in the show notes. Together, let's raise a generation of children who don't need to recover from their childhood.