377. Why do we resist change?

I'm Nancy Glass, host of the "Birden of Guild Season 2" podcast. This is a story about a horrendous lie that destroyed two families. Late one night, Bobby Gumpride became the victim of a random crime. The perpetrator was sentenced to 99 years until a confession changed everything. I was a monster. Listen to "Birden of Guild Season 2" on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Amanda Knox, and in the new podcast "Doubt, the Case of Lucy Letby," we unpack the story of an unimaginable tragedy that gripped the UK in 2023. But what if we didn't get the whole story? "It's been made to fit." "The moment you look at the whole picture, the case collapsed." What if the truth was disguised by a story we chose to believe? "Oh my god, I think she might be innocent." Listen to "Doubt," the case of Lucy Letby on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. This is Special Agent Regal, Special Agent Bradley Hall. In 2018, the FBI took down a ring of spies working for China's Ministry of State Security, one of the most mysterious intelligence agencies in the world. The Sixth Bureau podcast is a story of the inner workings of the MSS, and how one man's ambition and mistakes opened its vault of secrets. Listen to the Sixth Bureau on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Clayton Nackered, in 2022. I was the lead of ABC's The Bachelor. But here's the thing, Bachelor fans hated him. "If I could press a button and rewind it all I would." That's when his life took a disturbing turn. A one-night stand would end in a courtroom. The media is here, this case has gone viral. "The dating contract." "Agreed to date me, but I'm also suing you." This is unlike anything I've ever seen before. I'm Stephanie Young. Listen to Love Traped on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody, I'm Gemma Speck, and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s. The podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of your 20s. Today let's talk about change, let's talk about transitional periods, let's talk about growth, progress, like the huge shifts that we experience in our 20s. These moments that are on like the precipice of something new feel very exciting, they feel very romantic, they feel very thrilling, but let's be honest, change is one of those things that I think sounds super fun in theory, but is sometimes absolutely horrible and painful in practice. In fact at times, I think it really sucks and it has us really wishing that we'd stay the same. We all have ambitions for kind of like the ways we like to change our lives or like to live our lives. We want a new job, we want to move to a new city, we want better friendships, whatever it is that's currently on your goal list. It's funny that often the second like a real opportunity to enact that occurs or to make change happen appears, we shrink and we find a lot of reasons not to do it. We don't feel prepared, we suddenly find ourselves sabotaging our habits and our momentum, we convince ourselves we can't write when we're actually about to. I was actually speaking to a friend about this the other day who has like this terrible, horrible job, like downright workplace bullying situation, she's ready to get out, she's ready to leave, but she's been working on her resume and I'm saying this with love, she knows I'm sharing this, but she's been working on her resume for three months now and hasn't applied for a single job yet. And I said to her, I asked her, I was like, "You've just got to apply, even if it's just for practice. Why aren't you just applying, even if you know you're going to get rejected?" And she was like, "Well, what if I actually get the job? What if I get the job and I'm not ready and my whole life changes and I'm not prepared yet?" This is what we're talking about, this inertia, this fear, why does this happen? Why do we resist change, especially in our 20s when we should supposedly, according to what everyone around us and older than us is saying, when we should have all the nerve and all the goals in the world. In this episode, I want to unpack the very deep psychology behind this paradox, the paradox of wanting to grow, but equally clinging to what is the same. Does this say something about our character? Is it a personal floor? Is it a human instinct? Is it anxiety? Is it something else entirely? I'm going to give you some of the answers. We'll look at why this specifically feels so scary in our 20s. Why we're so afraid of losing what we already have and what we might actually be quietly losing and how we might actually be losing more scientifically, mathematically, psychologically by choosing the same old, by staying the same. I've learned in my 20s so far that some of the very best decisions are also the ones that terrify us the most, so I want to interrogate that a little bit further and hopefully convince you as well. Without further ado, let's get into it. So to kind of start us off, let's look at what it is about change that feels so scary, especially in our 20s. Firstly, I think change feels particularly stressful during this decade because we're just surrounded by so much of it, right? We're kind of drowning in it. We never get a break from it. So it's hard to not fear more of it, especially the kind that could be randomly thrust on you at any given moment. A really relevant theory that comes up time and time again on the podcast is on its concept of emerging adulthood, which spans basically the late teens through the end of our 20s. Typically, if I was to ask you, what are the developmental life stages of being a human, you would probably say childhood, teen years, adulthood, late adulthood, but emerging adulthood points to this distinct life stage of like almost adulthood where everything is kind of in between, you know, you're no longer a teenager, but you also don't feel like a settled version of yourself, especially not the kind that you kind of imagined as a child. You know, when I was a kid, I genuinely thought that I'd be married with my own kids by now. And what was I thinking? I don't even know who I am as a person yet. This period of emerging adulthood has a few key battles in store for us. Identity exploration, instability, feeling in between, loneliness and loss. It feels like because of all these battles we're facing, because of all these milestones we're going through every six months of my 20s at least, I'm like an entirely new person. Every six months, I feel like I'm just completely reborn. Like Gemma in early 2025 versus now, I honestly think that me and her would struggle to even have a conversation. Just for example, for you, think back over the last year of your life. There are parts of yourself from only 12 months ago that you probably can't relate to anymore because of how rapidly our lives change during this distinct period of life. The emotional and the psychological environment this creates means that when another big change comes along, even a positive one, you don't necessarily experience it as a fun thing or a fun little upgrade. The first thing I know my mind goes to when change is happening in my life, even good change is like how the hell am I going to fit this in? How am I going to adapt to this? Am I ready for this? Do I have the space? It's something that like my mom always said to me, which is that even good stress is still stress. There's an element of cognitive overload going on. We're balancing so much involuntarily that sometimes it's hard to get excited or motivated by the change we choose because we just don't have the energy. That's the 20s explanation. That's why we specifically often fall away from change during this decade and under these circumstances. Here is the more human explanation. Simply put, we as humans are wired from our amygdala to our frontal lobe to prefer coherence, to prefer a sense that our life story makes sense that we know kind of roughly where we are going, roughly where we've been, roughly where we are now. This very rudimentary sense of stability is really important for maintaining homeostasis, the natural equilibrium of our systems that allows us to function because we feel safe enough. Something that I heard recently is like your brain doesn't care if you're growing, Your brain doesn't care if you're fulfilled. It literally only cares that you are safe. I'm not going to bore you guys with the evolutionary perspective because I think we all know it by now, but anything unknown, anything unknown that change brings signals danger, triggering a whole set of stressed based reactions that are meant to shock your body into action. These reactions also exhaust your body, and so our very smart systems learn to anticipate things that are going to cause this much of a shake up and to be fearful of them, to be fearful of change. In contrast, the known, obviously signal safety and therefore the peace, peace, fuller and calm conditions our body needs to function properly. We are of course going to lean more towards that second state, more towards known peace, stability, safety, even if that means not really pushing ourselves. The thing is, our body's dedication to this homeostasis often works against us because it asks us to automatically resist new things, even if those things are good for us. Your mind is in many ways hard-wired to want you to stay the same. It doesn't want to expend energy for no good reason. It's really happy how it is because it knows what's going on. They have done study after study on this. Your body, as soon as you ask it to change, is going to dig its heels in. That is why weight loss is so hard. That is why quitting substances is so hard. That is why undoing relationship patterns is so hard. Your brain is like a bike with broken handlebars that keeps steering you back in the direction you don't want to go. You have to keep forcibly moving it back onto the path you've chosen. It does this, yes, through literal biological resistance, but mainly by influencing our praisal of any and all new situations so that we expect the worst. In behavioral economics, Daniel Carmen and Amos Troverski developed something called the prospect theory. They developed this back in the 1970s and they essentially showed that humans do not evaluate gains and losses in a balanced way. We typically want to avoid loss as much as possible. Our focus is disproportionately on what kind of losses change is going to bring us. There is a larger assessment of those things that are scary and that we could lose versus what we have to gain, even if the losses and gains are equal. Even if we actually have more to gain, irrationally our brain still keeps going back to what we have to lose. For example, I'll give you some research that backs this up. Research has shown that in an experimental condition where people are given 50 tokens to begin and they either gain 10 additional tokens or have 10 tokens randomly taken away. Later on when they're asked to estimate, what proportion, what percentage do you think you lost or gained in this situation? The people who had 10 tokens taken away suggested they had lost almost 15% more than they actually had, whereas those who had gained extras usually estimated it more accurately. They usually were like, yeah, around 10, around 5%, or around 10%, whatever it was. These people weren't just bad at math, right? What it's really showing is that our brains focus, expand, skew our perception of what we have to lose. This means that when we encounter situations of uncertainty and change, even good change. Our anticipation for what may go wrong will often be so much greater than our excitement for the possibility of what will go right. This contributes to what we know as the status quo bias. Basically we'd rather stick with how things are, even if they're not amazing, because change feels to risky and too much of a burden. There's actually quite a famous paper from the '80s that explores this. It was published in the Journal of Risk and Uncertainty. Essentially in a series of these decision making experiments where participants were given a default option. They disproportionately stuck with that option. Even when the alternatives were objectively bad, they could win $20. They could win prizes. They could also lose $10. They actually went for neither of those things. They didn't want to lose $10. They just did nothing. They stuck with what they had. Now, if we apply this pattern of behavior to our actual lives, think about it. You might be in a job that's all right. It's okay. It pays the rent. It pays for your car payment. You know, you sort of know what you're doing. You have colleagues you chat to. But deep down, you know you're not growing. You know a part of you feel stuck. And then another opportunity appears. It's a different role. Maybe it's in a different city, maybe a different field. On paper, it's better. But your brain doesn't see stable job versus better job. Instead, it interprets this as loss of security, loss of familiarity, loss of routine, loss of competence and interesting job. It doesn't assess those two. What is what there is to lose and what there is to gain accurately. You know those potential gains, more fulfillment, more alignment, more money, a more aligned path to our brain to our present day brain. They're kind of abstract. They're in the future. They're difficult to imagine because you're not they're not in front of you. The way that the potential losses are. The way that they're very vivid because the thing you have to lose is right there. That again is also why change feels so unstable because the losses are always going to be more visual and apparent versus the gains that haven't happened yet. I think it's the same dynamic in relationships as well. Leaving a relationship that isn't working or isn't quite fulfilling means potentially losing a companionship that you already understand and a history that you understand because you were there and the in-laws that you've grown to like because you see them all the time. The idea that you know leaving that person might mean you gain self-respect. Might mean you gain inner peace. Might mean that you gain a compatible partner, a more compatible partner later on. That's really intangible because you haven't met them yet. You can't feel it. So it's not as emotionally weighted in the same way, even if you know in your heart of hearts that this is probably if not absolutely 100% the right decision. We can understand this a little bit further through something called terror management theory. It's very extreme but it's basically a social psychology framework that suggests that a lot of our need for security for a routine for self-esteem is connected to the fact that we're aware that on some level life is very fragile and life is finite. Change, especially the big irreversible kind, brushes up a lot of existential fears. Brushes up against this idea that we might not be in control, that things can go wrong, that we can make mistakes, that we only have limited time here. So we better make the right decisions. Our desire to keep returning to what we know is partly about managing our anxiety, about our own fragility. So when you're clinging to a situation that is fine, that is okay, you know, not great job, all right partner, city that feels kind of restrictive, you might be like, why do I keep doing this? Why can't I move on? And it's because your brain is trying to protect you from a very real sense of loss and of uncertainty and on a deeper level, this sense that actually nothing is guaranteed. Maybe I can't make it work in this new location, this new relationship, this new life. Your resistance to change is therefore very natural. It's being influenced by a lot of, I would say, very powerful, very complex processes. To be honest, when I look at all these things lined up, I'm surprised anybody ever takes a risk ever. Like if that's what we're battling against, like existential fears, a hard-wired fear of the unknown, like neurological patterns that don't want to break, I can't, it's pretty courageous that people ever do anything, but the thing is, and this is the point, I think we all realize eventually, we don't only lose things when we change, we also lose things when we stay the same. Staying the same also has a cost. When you don't apply for the role you're really drawn to, someone else gets it, someone else gets the mentoring and the skills and the money, someone else who may have less skills than you get that opportunity, just because they have the bravado. When you don't move to the new city that you're daydreaming about, there's a person in that new city who would have been your best friend, you never get to meet them. That relationship never happens. There's memories that are never made. Von memories, memories that you would have had till the day you die, you weren't there to make them. When you don't leave the relationship you know is wrong for you, you're also blocking the space for or a more compatible partner, or maybe just simply a more peaceful relationship with yourself. This, all these examples are what is known as opportunity cost. It's a term from economics that's actually super applicable here. You guys know, I never miss a moment to tell you guys, actually also have an economics degree. Have to do my humble brag every time it comes up, but opportunity cost is one of the concepts you learn, like on day one of microeconomics. And it's basically the value of the next best alternative. You give up when you choose something. And it's something that it costs you in a way in the ways of disappointment, regret, but also in the ways that you could have taken all that energy and spent it on something that may have turned out better. And that's a cost that you have to bear by choosing. Every choice you make is also a set of choices you don't make. And not making a choice is the most costly of all of those choices. Every year you put off going back to university is a year you're not getting any closer to graduating. Every month you put off starting that new exercise routine is another month that you just don't feel good about yourself. You don't feel 100% in your body. And those missed opportunities, they compound the way investments compound and get more expensive as well. You know how I always think about it? I always think about it when I'm doubting or thinking, do I do this thing or not? I always think about the people who bought a house like back in the 90s. And like that running joke of like, if only I had $20,000 back in the 90s, I could be able to afford a house. And every year houses just get more and more expensive. Investing in skills, investing in change right now is like buying a house in the 90s. Because in 30 years time, 40 years time, you're going to have this whole life that's been built upon and investment you made back then that is compounding and compounding compounded. Otherwise, if you don't do it, yeah, you don't have the house. You also live with the knowledge that you could have. You could have been the proud owner of the home. You could have been the proud owner of a highly valued life if you've just taken the risk and embraced change. And this right here is the final cost of not pursuing change. It's the discomfort of self-procure of knowing on some level that you abandoned your own needs and values. And a future version of you who now doesn't get to exist because of your resistance to things being different. The thing is as well, we resist change now because we think the opportunity might linger and might come up later. But over time, I think it does become harder to imagine future changes going any differently because right now, you resisting changes are building a track record of staying, of just accepting that this is how your life is. Like that narrative of like, this is just what it is, this is just what it is. It gets stronger and stronger every day you allow it to continue to exist and not challenge it. And I'm not saying you can't eventually change or that you won't or that there aren't choices out there that you will eventually take. But the thing is some of the best decisions that we make in our lives are the ones that we don't feel prepared for because you can never be 100% certain that what you're going to do, the risk you're going to take is going to work out. How do we get over that mental barrier? They're not knowing the uncertainty. We're going to dive into exactly how some steps to embrace change after this short break to stay with us. In 2023, a story gripped the UK, evoking horror and disbelief. The nurse who should have been in charge of caring for tiny babies is now the most prolific child killer in modern British history. Everyone thought they knew how it ended, a verdict, a villain, a nurse named Lucy Levy. Lucy Levy has been found guilty. The moment you look at the whole picture, the case collapses. I'm Amanda Knox, and in the new podcast Doubt, the case of Lucy Levy, we follow the evidence and hear from the people that lived it, to ask what really happened when the world decided who Lucy Levy was. No voicing of any skepticism or doubt. It'll cause so much harm at every single level of the British establishment of this is wrong. Listen to Doubt, the case of Lucy Levy, on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. China's Ministry of State Security is one of the most mysterious and powerful spy agencies in the world. But in 2017, the FBI got inside. This MSS officer has no idea the US government is on to him. But the FBI has his chats, texts, emails, even his personal diary. Hear how they got it on the 6th Bureau podcast. I now have several terabytes of an MSS officer, no doubt, no question of his life. And that's the unicorn. No one had ever seen anything like that. It was unbelievable. This is a story of the inner workings of the MSS, and how one man's ambition and mistakes opened its vault of secrets. Listen to the 6th Bureau on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Clayton Nackered, and in 2022, I was the lead of ABC's The Bachelor. Unfortunately, it didn't go according to plan. He became the first Bachelor to ever have his final rose rejected. The internet turned on him. If I could press a button and rewind it all I would. But what happened to Clayton after the show? Made even bigger headlines. It began as a one-night stand and ended in a courtroom, with Clayton at the center of a very strange paternity scandal. The media is here. This case has gone viral. The dating contract. Agree to date me, but I'm also suing you. Please search for it. This is unlike anything I've ever seen before. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. This season, an epic battle of he said she said, and the search for accountability in a sea of lies. I have done nothing to get hurt by the [BLEEP] Bachelor. Listen to Love Trap on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Nancy Glass, host of the "Birden of Guild" season 2 podcast. Late one night, Bobby Gumprite became the victim of a random crime. He pulls the gun. He tells me to lie down on the ground. He identified Termaine Hudson as the perpetrator. Termaine was sentenced to 99 years. I'm like, "Lower, this can't be real. I thought it was a mistaken identity." The best lie is partial truth. For 22 years, only two people knew the truth, until a confession changed everything. I was a monster. Listen to "Birden of Guild" season 2 on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's a pattern that I've noticed. I often think the decisions that are the most life-altering are the ones that actually you don't feel calm at the time about making. I think are the ones that challenge you the most. In my own life, that was like leaving my first long-term relationship. This person I thought I was going to be with forever. Or quitting my job, leaving the comfort of a paycheck to work for myself. Moving cities to a place I didn't know anybody. None of those decisions were easy. I actually put them all off much longer than I needed to. I was in that relationship for six months longer than I should have been. Same with the job. It took two years for me to move to London. I still don't feel 100% certain about that decision sometimes. This is because a lot of big decisions have what we call approach avoidance conflicts. We've talked a lot about losses and gains. As if a decision is either going to create all loss or all gain. The theory, this theory though, says, it's probably going to be a mix. Undesirable and desirable things. Hopefully the desirable things went out. We don't always know. But what this means is that the closer we get to making a decision or a goal, the greater our anxiety, but also the greater our excitement, the feelings, those feelings, excitement, anxiety, excitement, anxiety, fear, anxiety, excitement, they can be indistinguishable at times. So we just basically end up being overwhelmed. This spike of anxiety that you receive where you feel as you near a decision point is incredibly normal because you're responding to essentially an increasing reality that things are going to change and that you're going to have to adapt on a possibility any more a reality. I often think the more fear, the more pros and cons lists that you make, the more you probably should go through with it, the more you probably should do it scared. Because when you're scared, it points to the fact that this possibility, ability and what is being offered to you or what you think could come from this strikes a real nerve. It strikes a nerve deeply with what you value. If you didn't care, if you didn't fear this as much, if you weren't as overwhelmed by the choice, I feel like you wouldn't secretly kind of know that this is what you need to do. I don't think you'd be having such a profound emotional reaction if this thing wasn't right for you because you wouldn't be meaningfully invested enough to feel this way. What you're experiencing as anxiety and fear about change is your nervous system reacting to the magnitude of possibility and the unknowing how unknowed it is. And often we think that's just anxiety. A large part of it is anticipation knowing that this has to be our reality. It's only a matter of time until we take the plunge knowing that things are going to be incredible. Don't let fear convince you that anticipation and excitement are the same as anxiety and that they're a bad thing and that they alone indicate that something is a bad decision. Emotions don't know anything more than you do. They don't know. They come from you. They originate from you. How do they know? I think the decisions you feel most intensely about just to nail this home, those are the ones you're sold, your heart, whatever it is you think it is, whatever label you give it. There is some deep part of you that is most drawn to them for a reason. With that being said, how do we take the leap? When do we know that we're ready? When do we know it's time to jump? If you've spent most of your life treating change as this big, scary, dramatic threat, you're probably not going to wake up one day and be like, cool, I suddenly love this. I'm ready to go. A more realistic goal is just to change the story. You tell yourself about what change means or about how emotionally ready you are for it. One theory that can help here that I found is the early 2000s, Broaden and Build Theory from somebody called Barbara Fretrickson. Broaden Build is fantastic and it essentially suggests that counteracting and limiting emotions like fear, pessimism, hopelessness with more positive emotions like curiosity, interest and hope, widen our attention or focus and let's us see more possibilities. When fear and anxiety narrow our focus to the threat or what we have to lose because that is what they meant to do, curiosity and hope gently just let you see beyond that pin point or see beyond the worst case scenario. Let yourself feel that first wave of like, this is going to go terrible, what am I doing? And then send in the second wave, send in the deliberate judgment, one of curiosity and excitement. For example, you might think I'm terrified to move. I'm terrified to start over. But also I'm slightly curious. I'm really excited for who I might become. You might think leaving this relationship is going to absolutely destroy me, my life is going to be over. But also I'm a tiny bit hopeful about the opportunities I'm going to have to meet new people on the other side. Even better if you want something super practical, you could do this literally right now, super practical for every way you think this is going to go wrong. Every bad thing you think change is going to bring into your life. Write a list of the five ways it could go right or the five reasons that you'll be okay even if it doesn't. Literally counteract it as much as you physically can with an overwhelming kind of wall of optimism and positivity and just possibility as well. You know why I love this tip? I love this tip because it proves that you can overthink the good stuff as well. You can overthink the positives as much as you can overthink the negatives. Another tip on top of this that I also swear by is when I am at like the precipice of a change and I'm like, oh my gosh, should I do this? Should I not do this? I just imagine telling the story of this very moment where I make the decision in five or ten years time and I imagine telling it as a success story. I imagine it as me sitting around a dinner table being like, this was the beginning, this is where I, this was my origin story, this was the rise. This moment like you are the one I'm most afraid in is the one I'm going to come back to time and time again. There's a lot of research on post-traumatic growth and also on major life transitions that suggests that we cope better with upheaval, we cope better with things going wrong or with change when we can place it into a story about what our lives are for and the purpose we are living and the journey we are taking. When you create a narrative about who you could be as the result of what's happening to you right now or what might be happening for you in the future and you reframe that change as a process that is happening to you, for you in your favor rather than against you, it suddenly feels like this is the most natural thing in the world, you have to do this. I also think, you know, if you want a good story, if you want a good origin story about your life, you've got to build it, you've got to make it, you've got to be courageous enough to take risks and that's what you're doing right now. You're building the story and you're making it an interesting one by embracing change. I think if change is continuously framed as something that's just only pointless, only chaos, only emotional disruption, it will always feel like a negative, it will always feel like something to avoid. But if it's framed as the way you become yourself, the way that you get to your goals, the path through, it starts to feel more like a transition, not just the end outcome. I think it helps to remember that change is also rarely one big cinematic leap. Instead, it's usually a series of small stages, small steps, another model, I guess, theory that I love is the trans theoretical model of change. This was developed by researchers in the 90s and it describes change as not a before and after but moving through phases where occasionally things aren't working and occasionally they're working really well. You move through these phases of not really considering it yet, then seriously thinking about it, then preparing, then acting, then trying to maintain the new behavior. The key thing is that people slide back and forth through these stages all the time, they're prepared, they're not prepared, they're sticking with the habits and only the habit is broken. The thing is that they're always continuing to have forward motion even within the cycle, they're always trying to get back to the place they want to be. So if you've been thinking about moving city, if you've been thinking about leaving your job for whatever reason and you're still in that anticipation phase, the next stage is only a few centimeters away or you have to do is just shift yourself into that preparation stage, into that doing stage. Maybe you're not going to apply or keep applying or maybe you're not going to go through with it but at least you can say you were in that stage even for a little while. Seeing changes as a process that has ambivalence, that has messiness that has false starts and experimentation, like all built into it, that can soften the unease and it can soften the all and nothing thinking of like if I'm going to accept, embrace, pursue change, I better be 100% committed or 100% not in it all. This links actually to a lot of the ideas that come from acceptance and commitment therapy. ACT, acceptance and commitment therapy, talks about committed action, which is basically taking concrete steps guided by your values to get what you want, not just things that are guided by your moment to moment emotions. Your values are telling you, "I want to do this, this is the necessary thing for me, I have to take this step if I want to be the kind of person I've envisioned." The fear is always going to be there. It's just, you know, I'm just not going to let it dictate what I do. It's always going to be there. But let me ask you this, take out the fear, take out the anxiety, what if I told you I knew for certainty every part of your plan was going to work out. I knew somebody had told me all the steps were going to be complete. Nothing was going to go wrong. I could swear up and down that that was the case. All I needed from you was commitment, commitment to the time it would take. If that was the situation, what outcome in those circumstances would you desire the most? What is the path you're going to pick if I said it was all going to work out? That's what you want. It's as clear as day. Now tell me why all the steps weren't worked out. Tell me why that's going to happen. Tell me why exactly you believe it's not going to go your way. You don't have any proof. If no proof, you have emotional reactions to what you think is going to happen. You have fear, but you can't give me any concrete evidence that if you tried, that it would do it terribly. You literally couldn't tell me this. thing. Maybe past experience still doesn't count for anything. It's all just fear. And again, your fear doesn't know anything more than you do because it comes from you. And you don't know anything right now. You don't know what's going to happen. That's why you're here in the first place. That's why you're so afraid. You have to approach it as if it's all going to work out. And under these conditions, if that was the case, what's the first thing you do? What's the first step you'd have to take? What is baby step number one that you would have to do? Just focus on completing that baby steps literally. Can't hurt. That's why babies do them. Like that's literally in the name. It's there there to feel there there to trust. They are there just to progress slowly. If you want to start a business registering a business name, can't hurt you baby step. Start the Instagram page. That's not going to hurt you. It's a baby step researching the opportunity, even if you're not acting on it. It's a baby step. It's not going to hurt you. If you want to move to a new city looking at visas, you don't have to pay for them. Like just starting to save for them. Baby step is not going to hurt you. These are all steps. All things you gain from. You will continuously gain from regardless of if you go all the way through with it. You introduce change and you introduce the steps towards change on your terms this way. You microtose change. I think also our intolerance for uncertainty also becomes more manageable when it's named when we're planning for it. This is something I always say when I'm overwhelmed by things shifting in my life. I'm stressed by the process. I'm excited by the outcome. I'm scared by the process. Two things can be true. Then you can go that final step deeper. I'm scared. I'm scared why I'm scared of the process. Why am I scared? What is the human insecurity? This is secretly unconsciously manipulating in me to make me feel like it's all going to go wrong. I'm scared if I move, I'm going to hate it. I'm going to feel trapped. What you really scared of is losing control, not actually of moving. I'm scared. I'll leave this relationship. I'll never meet anybody else. You're not scared of leaving the relationship. You're scared of being lonely. But you don't have any proof that that's actually what's going to be what it's going to be like. That is just your deep human personal fear. Then you can reinforce again that maybe this isn't the case. Again, use that five by five method I mentioned before. What are five alternatives? And what are five ways that I'm going to be okay, even if I am lonely, even if I do lose control. I also want you to notice here that none of the advice shared, none of the advice that would be given to you by a therapist or a psychologist is wait until you're not scared anymore. Speaking really bluntly, it's not going to arrive. You're always going to be scared. It's hardwired into you. Your threat system is designed to warn you against uncertainty, uncertainty is a promise of life. Change is always going to bring about that feeling. Your relationship and how you act towards uncertainty is what is going to determine what happens. Not your imaginary fill in the blank, catastrophic perceptions of it. If you take nothing else from this episode, let it be this. You're allowed to be scared of change. It's really fucking scary. You're allowed to grieve what you might lose. You're allowed to not know exactly how it will play out, but that being said, you don't actually know. And you're also allowed to decide that the discomfort, the terror of never trying is way worse than taking a step. Just because something is scary doesn't mean it's not the right move. In fact, sometimes that fear is a sign that it is. Your fear-based imaginations are not predictions. They are designed to be the most intense, scary thing that you can imagine so that you can be prepared for it. They don't know any more than you do. And if you say it's going to be all right, if you say I'm going to accept the change anyways, I'm going to be prepared. I'm going to face it head on. If you say it's going to be magnificent, it will be. The chances are so high that it will be the way that you anticipate it if you anticipate it in a positive light. That it's going to be incredible because you have embraced something that so many people don't. And they live miserable lives anyways. At least you can say I gave it a go. At least you can say I freaking tried rather than dealing with the what ifs. So thank you for listening. If you have made it this far, I hope you enjoyed this episode. I hope you learned something. Thank you as always to our researcher Libby Colbert for her research contributions to this episode. Make sure you are following us on Instagram at that psychology podcast. Make sure you are subscribed wherever you are watching. Out question of the day, if you have made it this far, thank you so much. And I'll listen to our our secret question is what is a change that you are secretly resisting right now? Whether it's moving, whether it's starting a business, whether it's dating, leaving somebody, whatever it is, leave a comment down below. Until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself, we will talk very very soon. I was a monster. Listen to "Birden of Guild" season 2 on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Amanda Knox and in the new podcast "Doubt, the Case of Lucy Letby," we unpack the story of an unimaginable tragedy that gripped the UK in 2023. "It's been made to fix." "The moment you look at the whole picture of the case collapsed." What if the truth was disguised by a story we chose to believe? "Oh my god, I think she might be innocent." Listen to "Doubt, the Case of Lucy Letby" on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. "I'm Clayton Nekkerd, in 2022. I was the lead of ABC's The Bachelor." But here's the thing, Bachelor fans hated him. "The media is here. This case has gone viral." 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