Why do we have friends?

At But Why, we believe that curiosity is key to learning. That's why we bring kids' questions to life with experts, fun stories, and fascinating facts in our podcasts and video episodes. But we can't do this without you. Support from people who love the show and believe in what we do helps keep curiosity thriving. Head to But Why Kids.org/donate to become a But Why fan club member or to make a gift in any amount to support the show. Thanks and stay curious. [Music] This is But Why, a podcast for curious kids from Vermont Public. I'm Jane Lindholm. On this show we take questions from kids just like you and we find answers. If you have a question, we'll tell you how to send it to us at the end of the episode. Today we're talking about some of the most important people in our lives. Friends. My name is Loss and I am 7 years old. I live in Bloomsfield, Colorado. What I like about my friends is that they like me. I'm Leyla. I'm 10 years old and I'm from Kirkland, Missouri. What I like about friends is that if I get hurt, like if I straight my knee, they're always there to support me and help me through it. My friends cheer me on always and they'll always be there for you. Hi, my name is Sophia and I live in Iowa City. I'm 5 years old. What do you like about your friends? I like that they're like unicorns just like me. Some people find it easy to make friends but for others it's really challenging and that's okay. And let me let you in on a little secret. It's just as hard for adults as it is for kids. But lots of you may be wondering if there are any tips or tricks to making friends. I'm sorry to say there's no magic solution but there are some strategies you can use and we're going to learn some of them from an adult who goes by the name of Dr. Friend Tastic. Even more excitingly we're going to get some advice from other kids. Lots of you sent us your best approaches to making and being good friends. Here are some of the questions you've sent us about friends and friendship. Hello, my name is Sarah. I live in California. My question for about why is why do people have friends? My name is Mock. I am six years old and I'm from Columbus, Ohio. Why do friends care about each other? Hi, my name is Farron. I'm from Ottawa, Ontario. I'm seven years old. Why do we make friends? My name is eight years old. I'm from Sacramento, California. Why do we feel such a close bond with all friends? Hello, my name is Emma. I am eight years old. I live in Scarborough, Maine. How do bonds between friends form? Hi, my name is Gabriela. I'm from Winnan in Israel and I'm nine years old. My question is, what makes friends and wanting to be friends with me so attractive? So I'm Dr. Eileen Kennedy Moore, also known as Dr. Fantastic. I'm a clinical psychologist based in Princeton, New Jersey, and author of many books about kids' feelings and friendships. Friendship is often about action. It's about what we do together, how we treat each other. The key to friendship is kindness. And that's what leads to the sense of connection. Hi, my name is Dylan and I'm seven years old and I live in Texas. How do people become really good friends? Hi, my name is Noah. I am from Chicago, Illinois, and I'm seven years old. When people have friends, why are they so attached to each other? My name is Lucas. I am seven years old. I live in Sock, Oman. Why is it more fun to play with friends than to play by yourself? Friends make the good times more fun and they make the hard times easier to get through. So of course, we want them. Friends are very, very valuable. And you hit on something very interesting that yes, we are attracted to some people more than others. And that has a lot to do with how much we have in common with them and how we feel when we're with them. So if you want to be a good friend, you need to be thinking about not just what you want, but what your friend wants to. Maggie, who's 12 and lives in Washington, wants to know what's the deal with best friends? Why would some people consider some of their friends best friends if they like them equally? A few more of you also wanted to talk about best friends. Hi, my name is Jess Fink. I live in Alabama and I'm nine years old. Why do we have best friends and why do we like some people and not others? My name is Emmy and I'm 10 years old and I'm from Japan. Can you have more than one best friend? My name is Akira and I'm six years old and I'm from Japan. Can my sister be my best friend? Hello, I'm Brooklyn. I'm eight years old and I live in Oakland, California. And my question is, why do you always have best friends and second best friends? I think it's more useful to talk about close friends rather than best friends because best is like you're putting somebody in a contest of who's better than the other one. And I think we have the ability to care about many people. We can also have lots of different kinds of friends so we can have a bus stop friend and a math class friend and a Taekwondo friend and each of these people enrich our lives and we can connect with them and be kind to them too. So Dr. Friend Tastic kind of agrees with Maggie. The label best friends can be kind of limiting. You can have different friends for different situations and none has to be better than the other. And yes Akira, you can totally be great friends with your sister. But what about the number of friends you have? Here's Mia. I'm seven years old and I'm from China. My question is, why do some people have many friends but others don't? I think the first question that we need to ask before that is to recognize that more friends aren't necessarily better. Some people prefer to have just a few very close friends, other people like lots and lots of casual friends. Both of these can be great. So it's really a matter of personal preference. So it's okay to just have one or two friends. You're not doing anything wrong. There's nothing wrong with that at all. It's really a matter of your personal preference. If we have fewer closer friends, that's often a more intimate, kind of a closer friendship than just the people, hey, seeing you in the hallway kind of friendship, but they're both fun. So I'm in favor of all of it. The people who tend to have more friends are often putting more effort into making friends and reaching out to friends and spending time and doing fun things with friends. Boy, well, that gets us to a question. I think we all have no matter how old you are. And maybe this is something kids don't realize, but adults worry about friendships all the time. We worry, are we in the right friendships? Is our friend still our friend? Do they still like us? And so how do we make friends? Hi, my name is Claire. I'm nine years old and I live in the city of Oklahoma. And my question is, how do people keep friends? Hello. My name is Ethan. I'm eight. My question is how to make friends. Why are people youthly friendly and how do people know what to say when they're trying to make a friend? That last question was from six-year-old Lila. There are several steps in that. The first thing is that we need to show openness to friendship. So we need to signal that, hey, I'm open to getting to know you and to maybe starting a friendship with you. We do this by smiling and saying, hi, we do it by giving a compliment or doing a small act of kindness for someone. There are thousands of ways that we can signal that, hey, I'm interested in a friendship. The thing that's important is to pick people who are likely to become friends with us. If you think about two overlapping circles, that overlap where one circle is you and the other circle is the other kid, that overlap in the center, that's your common ground. That's where friendships begin. If you really don't have much in common with another kid, you're probably not going to become friends with them. Another thing to keep in mind is that kids make friends by doing fun things together. So think about what you like to do that you could do with other people and go do it. Invite them. A lot of times kids are very scared of inviting somebody because they're like, oh, I don't know that well. I can't have them over. That's backwards. Invite them over and then you will become closer. You don't have to wait until you're close and then invite them over. If you've had fun with the kid one time, great. You know well enough to get together and maybe build the friendship. We put a call out to you to share how you make friends and here's what you all told us. We'll start with Hugo who's six and lives in Australia. I think when you're being good friends, you have to be kind and nice. My name is Alex and I'm eight and I'm from South Lake Texas. You make a friend by you say hello, what's your name? You say your name and then you say, do you want to play with me and they're going to play with you and if they're read or a bully then just a month. My name is Marini. I'm five years old and I live in Austin, Texas. This is how you make friends. We try to find somebody that we want to make friends. We say hello, can I be your friend? My name is Connor. I'm seven years old. I live in London, Ontario, Canada. My advice about friendship is to choose someone who likes to do the same thing as you do. Hi, my name is Leila. I'm from Atlanta, Georgia and I'm nine years old. This is how I make friends. First I say hi and then I say my name then I ask them their name. Then I ask them to play and then if they say yes, we start to play. After a while I start to talk to them and then we then we just have fun and that's how I make a friend. Hello, my name is Elena. I'm five years old and I'm from China. I make a friend by asking people directly. Can I be your friend? My name is Eliza and I'm six years old. I'm from Guelph, Ontario, Canada and friends should be your friends because they aren't into you and if someone's meeting you, walk away or ignore them. My name is Alison. I'm four years old and I live in Buddeford, New Jersey. And I make a friend at the pool and I say hi. What's your name? Wanna play? How do you make friends? First did this a baby, then he grew up and then he'd be with some videos and he's loved them for some minutes and then they say, what friends? Okay, so you play. That's how you make friends. Yeah. Again, what's your name? Happy. You live in Surah Dasha in Israel and how old are you? Zach. Okay. Hi, my name is Lilian and I'm a six years old and I live in Springfield, Missouri and this is how you make friends. You say hi and then you talk, then you introduce yourself and then you can ask if you can be friends. Hi, my name is Lily. I'm nine years whole that I live in London, Ontario, Canada and I would like to share making friends. Just pick up friends you think is nice. Ask them. Don't over think it because they might want a friend too. Hi, my name is Nora and I'm five years old. I live in Washington state. Do you do something nice from someone in your class or someone or your neighbor or something? And then the ask if you want to be friends with them and this they say, yeah, as you say yes, you'll become friends. Hi, I'm Abby. I'm eight and I live in Stawater, Minnesota and I think you should pick some me nice as a friend or it wouldn't be that much fun. Listening to all those, a lot of you said you start by introducing yourself. That's a great way to show an openness to friendship. Many others of you suggested just directly asking to be friends. For older kids, you might consider asking the other person to do something with you. Like go play on the swings or something you think you'd both enjoy as sort of a start of a way to ease into friendship. You know, there's also a difference if you're asking one kid to play with you or a group of kids to play with you. And Dr. Frantastic has some strategies to think about when there's a group of kids that you're trying to get to know. We are more likely to be successful joining a single kid or a group of four or more on the playground. Isn't that interesting? Yeah. So it's not that you can't join a group of two or three, but often those are more close knit and less open to somebody joining them if you don't know them well. A single kid is they want to play with somebody. They're definitely open. And a group of four or more, well, it's kind of big and there's plenty of room to join. Another thing that's really important for kids to know is that there's a very specific set of steps for how to join a group of kids at play. I really like the way you said, hey, do you want to play with me? Because now you're inviting the person. A lot of times grown-ups tell kids, go over to those kids and ask, can I play two? Bad idea. Because think about what happens. The other kids have to stop what they're doing. Turn around, look at you, decide if they want you to join, and you've just interrupted the play. So from a kid's perspective, that's kind of rude. What researchers tell us is the way to join a group is two steps. You watch, then blend. So watch what the kids are doing, and then slide into the action without interrupting. The way I explain this to kids is it's kind of like merging onto a highway. Which they haven't done yet, but they've probably been in the back seat for you. But you've probably seen your parents do it, right? And there are two ways to mess this up. One is your parents could just sit there on the entrance ramp watching the cars go by and, oh, you never get where you want to go. The other way is, and your parents would never do this, they could just barge in without even looking. And, whoo, there would be a big crash. So that's not a good idea either. Just like your parents or your grown-ups watch them blend when they get on to the highway, you want to do the same thing. So figure out what the kids are doing. And then you might do the same thing near them. You might, like if they're building something, you might do something helpful, like bring over extra sticks. You might open with a compliment, or if they're playing a game, watch and figure out which is the losing team, because they're more likely to be open to having you join. What do you do if you're shy? If that feels so hard just to even go talk to somebody, let alone suddenly be in their play. Sometimes it helps to just watch other kids doing this. And then you can realize, "Ha, that is what happens." People who are shy tend to focus on how uncomfortable they feel. But what they don't realize is the message they're sending to other people is, "I don't like you, and I don't want anything to do with you." Think about it. If somebody says, "Hi," and you look away, and don't say anything, the other person's going to say, "I guess they don't like me." That's not what you're feeling, but that's what you're communicating. Learning how to say hi is a really important skill, and there are several steps with that. So you look at the person in the eye, or if that's uncomfortable for you, you can look them in the forehead right between the eyebrows. From a little bit of a distance, that looks the same. Then you smile to show that you're happy to see the person. You say hi, and you say the person's name, because that makes the greeting personal. I'm not just "Hi, whoever you are, I don't care." It's like, "No, hi. It's nice to see you." There are times, whether you're a kid or an adult, where you are going to put yourself out there, and try to make a friend, and the other person isn't going to want to be your friend. Maybe they just don't want to right now, or like you said, maybe they're busy, and they just can't focus. And that can feel really bad, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, right? Just because someone doesn't want to be your friend. That happens sometimes. That's okay. They have choices, and you have many, many options. One thing that I see a lot in my practice is kids have what I call the magnet myth of friendship. So they think that they have to be so amazing, [BLANK_AUDIO] wonderful that they draw friends to them the way a magnet attracts metal. This is completely false because it's really doesn't understand what friendship is like. The magnet myth is looking for fans. If you're looking for, wow, you're amazing. You are not looking for friends. You are looking for fans. And the problem is your classmates don't really want to be your fan, but they might want to be your friend. And the friendship is really about a relationship between equals. Figure out what you have in common and build from there. Hi, my name is Covin. I am seven years old from Portland, Oregon. Why don't some people agree to be friends? My name is mine. I'm from, I'm six years old. What if you want to be friends with somebody, but they don't want to be friends with you? Hi, my name is Claire and I have been London England and I'm four and three quarters. Why do some people not like others? Why do some people like strawberries and other people don't? You know, it's personal preference and that's okay. They're allowed to choose it. Maybe they don't like to do the same things you do. Maybe they already have as many friends as they want right now. That's okay. Friendships also change a lot for kids. There was one study that found that half of friendships in first grade don't make it from September to June. And one quarter of friendships in fourth grade and eighth grade don't last the full school year. Let's talk a little bit about what you can do when things aren't feeling great within a friendship. I'm Catherine. I'm seven years old. I live in Maui, Hawaii and I want to know what can you do if a friend is being mean to you. Hi, my name is Holly. I'm six years old. I live in Kansas, Australia. How do you know if they're good friends or bad friends? I have some nice friends and a little and sometimes they're a little bit worth me. Hi, my name is Mia. I'm eight years old. I am from Seattle, Washington. Why do you have friends but then they don't really? Sometimes they don't pay attention to you. What do you do if a friend is being mean to you or if you have a friend but they're not paying attention to you? Or if you have good friends and sometimes they're a little bit rude. Friendship is complicated. We're not perfect and our friends aren't perfect either. So we're definitely going to face these friendship rough spots. And being a good friend means learning how to get through these friendship rough spots. Sometimes that means you have to talk things out. Your friend can't read your mind. They may not realize that it really bothers them, bothers you when they do whatever it is or they call you that name or they don't call you back when you call them or they always make you be the horse and you don't want to be the horse or whatever the game is. They can't know unless you tell them. You can speak up in a way that's respectful of both your friend and you. You can use an eyes statement. I don't like it when you do that and then be sure to ask for what you want from now on could you please. But sometimes to be a good friend what we need to do is just forgive. Everybody has a bad day sometimes everybody makes mistakes and sometimes just out of caring for the friend we need to let it go and move on. Okay so now we know about friends and even sometimes what happens when friends aren't always kind to each other. But what's the difference between someone who's just being mean or being a bad friend and someone who's being a bully. We'll talk about bullies coming right up. This is but why a podcast for curious kids. I'm Jane Lentholm. Today we're talking about relationships that are really important for kids and adults. We're talking about friends and we're talking with Eileen Kennedy Moore also known as Dr. Friend Tastic. She helps kids with all the kinds of issues that come up with friends and friendship. So we've learned that friendships take work and that sometimes all of us make mistakes in how we treat our friends. But what if someone is being mean to you all the time. What's the difference between a bad friend and a bully? I'm stoolding and I'm seven years old and I'm from Toronto and my question is what if the bully does a bad thing twice would the bully be called a bully? I am Solomon in the five-year-old and then from Alexandria. How do you know someone is being a bully? Yeah. So scientist define bullying as deliberate meanness aimed at one particular person. Usually it happens over a period of time but sometimes just one especially awful thing can count. But the most important difference is that there is a power difference between the kid doing the bullying and the kid being targeted. That power difference is what makes it difficult or impossible for the kid being targeted to deal with the situation on their own. So the kid being doing the bullying is bigger, tougher, older or more socially powerful. If that describes the situation that you're dealing with you need to go to a grown-up. This is not something that you should be handling on your own. On the other hand, if it's a conflict, maybe you're very upset about it but there's no power difference between you and the other kid. That's something that you can handle. You may still want to go to your grown-up and talk through different ideas about how to deal with it. But that is not bullying and that's really important to understand. I had a kid in my practice who came in and he said, "I was bullied today." And I said, "Oh, what happened?" And he said, "This kid, he told me quit making those annoying noises." That was not bullying. It still feels bad. It still feels bad. But that is not a situation that he's being bullied, he's being dominated. And maybe the other kid could have said it in a kinder way. But this is a situation that kids can handle on their own. And when you say it's important to know the difference between somebody who's being mean or a conflict you're having with a classmate or somebody else, it's important to know the difference between that and bullying. Why is it important to know the difference? If we call everything bullying, then we're kind of minimizing the very serious situations. So that's not right and that's not fair. Also, I think it's not useful to just point fingers, "Oh, he's a bully, he's a bully, she's a bully, they're a bully." That's not useful. And it's kind of looking in the wrong direction also. And most importantly, it's because there are situations where adults need to step in and take care of things. So it's a safety issue. Everybody has the right to feel safe at school or in their neighborhoods. And sometimes we need adults to make sure that that happens. My name is Simon, and in ten years old, and my question is, when does it cross the line from teaching into bullying? My other question is, when is it taddling? And when is it okay to tell an adult what kids are being mean? Let's start with taddling. So there's a difference between taddling and telling. Taddling means you're trying to get the other person in trouble. Taddling is when there's a situation that you really can't handle on your own and you're trying to get help. It's often a good idea to ask yourself some questions. Is someone getting hurt? Is something getting broken? Have I tried two ways to handle it on my own first? When it's real bullying, though, whether it's happening to you or you see it happening to another kid, there's a power difference, and the more powerful kid is consistently picking on another kid, then it's important to tell an adult. Sometimes you see ideas that kids should stand up and say, why stop that? Unless I don't like that idea, unless you have the social power. Like if you're older and you see a younger kid bullying another younger kid, yeah, then you can step in and say that's not cool. Lots of you wondered about how to stay safe from people who are being mean to you or who are being bullies. Hello, my name is Rowan heaven springfield my zary and I'm four and a half. What do you do if a bully bothers you? I'm Amy sorrow and from plastic jealous California. I'm six years old, wire-boiled-boiled and what how do you nice people go with? from boys and how do nice people stay nice? - My name is Ron, I'm four years old, I live in it, I need to read a book and what can you do about boys? - If you're being bullied, you definitely need to tell someone. Here's some advice other kids have for us. - Hi, my name's Matilda, I'm five years old, and from Lundville, Colorado, and my suggestion is, if someone's being mean to your friend, tell the teacher. - My name is Enzia, I'm from Massachusetts, and I'm six years old, and when someone believes you, stand up for yourself, and ask an adult to help you. - Hello, my name is Kurshian, I'm 11 years old, and I live in London, England. To answer your question, police are very annoying. Whether cyber bullying, physical bullying, or verbal bullying. - Hi, I'm Oliver, and I live in Sydney, Australia, and I'm six years old, and when you're doing with a boy, I think he should just stop it, stop it, I don't like it, or if that doesn't work, then you should just walk away. - Hi, my name is Natalie, I'm in half years old, and I live in Rutherford, New Jersey, and the way I act to bully is, is I stop acting report. Stop what you're doing, when if you see a bully. Act to a bully by saying, stop it, it's not nice, and if he or she's still doing it, try reporting to a teacher. - I'm Danya, and I live in New South Wales, Australia, and I'm 10. I've had a lot of bullies along the way, and how I dealt with them is by being kind, and it helps to have a mum or dad to be there. And now my bully is my friend. - Hi, my name's Eleanor. I live in Bellingham, Washington, my six years old, and my suggestion to deal with bullies is to put up signs or stand up for yourself, and get a teacher if you need help. - Hello, my name is Josie, I'm six years old, I live in Manchester, my suggestion is, if someone's being mean to you, say, let's take a minute and we'll discuss this after we're ready, so that we feel better and we're ready to talk to each other. - Remember how Dr. Friend Tastic said the difference between someone being mean, and someone bullying is that a bully has more power than the person they're bullying? That's something some of you have picked up on. - My name is Dylan, I'm 10 years old, and I'm from Mesa, Arizona. Why do bullies like bully certain people? Or like they only bully the people that, like that are not cool, like the popular kids don't get really bullied? - My name is Kyran, I live in Kigali, Rwanda. I am nine years old. Why do bullies choose to have certain friends and bully other people? - My name is Dexal, my age is six, I live in Illinois, where bully bullies and friends. - My name is Avery, my age is six, and I live in Arrada in Colorado in the United States. Why do like bullies pick on people, and some people they don't pick on? - Why do they pick on those kids because they can? And that is a really terrible answer. And so we as a community need to support everyone. One thing that tends to lead to bullying is what I call empathy blind spots. And these are the things that we tell ourselves that make us think, oh, that person's feelings don't count. Maybe they're annoying, maybe you just don't like them, maybe they're younger, whatever the excuse is, we have to recognize that that's an excuse. And everybody has dignity, everybody needs to be treated with kindness. So if you find yourself thinking some of those excuses, catch yourself and say, I'm not going there. I'm gonna treat everyone with kindness. With my kids I used to say, you don't have to like everybody, but you must treat them with kindness. - My name is Dean. I am six years old. I live in Leviton, Long Island. Why do some people choose to be a bully? - My name is Jenna. I'm three years old. I'm living in New York. Why do some people act like police? - My name is Khaled, I'm six years old. And I live in De Nye there, but my question is, why do some people choose to be a bully and some people don't? - Here's how other kids answered that question. - My name is Diego. I live in Sydney for now. Seven years old. And I know why bullies are bullies because they're scared of what they don't know. - Hello, I'm Libby. I'm nine years old and nobody chooses to be a bully. And even if someone is a bully, they probably don't think they are one. If you're being bullied, go tell someone like a teacher, your parent, or someone older that might help you sort out what's happening. Thank you for listening to this. - And here's Dr. Friend Tastic. - Now remember that we all make mistakes. So sometimes it's just a mistake and they don't realize the impact of how their actions are affecting other people. Sometimes it's because of these empathy blind spots that they think somebody's feelings don't count. We all need to constantly be choosing to be kind. And this is true in families. This is true in marriages. It's certainly true in our world. And it starts with how we treat the people around us. And when we're kids, that's how we learn to get along with other people. - My name is Rue Ven. And I live in BC, Gepsins, Canada. How do bullies learn to be good persons? - One way for bullies to learn how to not be bullies anymore is to talk to other adults about what's going on in their lives. Sometimes there are things happening that they need to discuss with adults and maybe get some help with. But whether we're talking about bullies or people who are maybe just not being a very kind friend and maybe don't even know about it in certain moments, one way to improve is to work on the skills of empathy. Empathy is kind of feeling what another person would feel like. So putting yourself in their shoes, as we like to say, how would you feel if someone said that thing to you or did that thing to you? And if you can think, well, I would feel that if that happened to me, then don't do that thing, right? - That's exactly right. And what makes kids grow in their friendship skills? From the toddler friendships who has kind of loved the one you're with to the more intimate and long-lasting friendships of the teen years, is a growing ability to understand somebody else's point of view, to be able to put ourselves in their shoes and imagine, how would I feel? What do I imagine that they might be thinking or how do I think that they might react if that happens or when that happens? - And Dr. Fantastic had one last really helpful concrete thing you can do if you're being teased or bullied. - One of the things that you can do is to either stand near or grown up or stand near friends. And this is just a really practical strategy to make it less likely that you will be targeted. I'm not defending the bullying or the teasing or anything, but just as a practical way, being near somebody who could stick up for you. So that you're not sort of out on your own where the adults aren't going to hear it or a friend doesn't hear it and can't say, let's go over here, let's get out of there. - Yeah, making friends is actually a protective factor. You're less likely to be bullied if you have friends. So that's a good strategy. - You sent us a couple other unique questions about friendship that we wanna tackle before we end this episode. - My name is Owen. I'm nine years old. When you're young, I live in Marijuana. How can I help my friend when my friend is afraid? - Well, first of all, you've already done something wonderful, which is noticing the friend's strong feelings. That's terrific. Like we all want to feel seen and heard. So that is a very, very caring thing to do. Obviously, if your friend is scared, you don't wanna tease them about that or do things to scare them more. But often the best thing to do is to ask your friend, what can I do to help? The friend knows what they need. Sometimes kids feel like they need to fix the situation. Usually that's not what we want from a friend. We want our friends to understand just listening is often a really good thing. But your friend might also have some practical things about well, can you go with me when I do whatever it is I do? And that would be a lovely and caring thing to do. - We should probably note too that if your friend is afraid of seems dangerous or like they are in an unsafe situation or they're afraid of somebody who's making them feel unsafe, you should tell an adult. - Absolutely. There are a lot of situations that are not for kids to solve. They're too complicated or too scary or too dangerous. And then you need to go to a trusted adult. - Hi, my name is Ella. I'm 70 years old. I live in Heyworth, Illinois. What do you do when you miss your friend? - Missing people we care about is one of the hardest things about love and friendship, isn't it Ella? There's no magic way to stop missing someone. But you can try some things to maybe make it a little easier to bear. If your friend doesn't live nearby, you could ask your adults to help you stay in touch by calling or video chatting or even writing to them. One thing I used to do with one of my friends who lived far away was I recorded myself talking to them. Sometimes I would sing a song or read a poem or I would just tell them how my day was going. This was way back in the olden days of 2000, more than 20 years ago. So we didn't have cell phones or any way to video chat in the way a lot of kids do now. So I used something called a tape cassette. I would record one side of the tape cassette. It was an actual physical thing. You had to put in a tape recorder. And I would spend a couple of days recording things and record a whole side of the tape cassette. And when that was all filled up, I would send it to my friend. And then she would spend a few days recording the other side and send it back to me. And it was so great, 'cause not only was I hearing her voice, but I felt like I was kind of included in some of the things that she was doing throughout the week. So you could try doing something like that with a friend of yours. You could keep a picture of your friend nearby so you can look at them whenever you feel sad. And you can definitely talk to your adults about this. They can help you find a way to keep in touch with your friend. It may not make you miss them any less, but maybe it can help you feel more connected. Here's one more friend question. - Hi, I'm Emma Severus and I'm nine years old. I live in Fort Wayne, Indiana. What age do people have the most friends? - Actually, there's been some research on this. And the technical answer is, when you're 25 years old, that's when you have the most friends. That doesn't apply to everyone, of course, but on average, that seems to be the answer. But Dr. Friend Tastic says, friends and friendships are something people work on for their entire lives. - The number one reaction I get to my book, "Roying Friendships" is, this applies to adults and like, yes, it's not like at age nine, we've mastered everything about friendship. In new relationships and new situations, adults are constantly learning about being a good friend and making new friends. - That was Dr. Friend Tastic, also known as Eileen Kennedy Moore. She's the author of the book, "Growing Friendships," and she has a great website where she answers more kids' questions about friendships. You can have an adult help you find it if you wanna learn more. We have a link to it in our show notes. And that'll do it for today's episode. If you have a question about anything, remember, you can always send it to us. Have an adult record it. It's easy to do on a smartphone using a free voice recording app. Be sure to include your first name, where you live and how old you are. Then you can email the file to [email protected]. We wish we could answer every question we get and we can't, but we do love hearing them all and knowing what's on your mind. But why is produced by Melody Bo-Det and me, Jane Lintholm at Vermont Public. Our theme music is by Luke Reynolds and we had extra music today from Blue Dot Sessions. We'll be back in two weeks with an all new episode. Until then, stay curious. (upbeat music) (soft music) - From PRX.