Why Childhood Trauma Creates Shame - And How You Can Heal (Ep 24)

Welcome to the Healing Childhood Trauma Podcast. This is the podcast where we deep dive into understanding what childhood trauma really is, how it shapes our lives and relationships, and most importantly, the paths we can take towards healing and growth. Join me, Aliquilliams, a London-based ecaferapist as we explore, learn and heal together. Hello and welcome back to the Healing Childhood Trauma Podcast. I'm Aliquilliams and in today's episode we're going to be talking about something that can often go hand in hand with childhood trauma. Shame. Although it's something we'll all experience at times, shame is one of those emotions that most of us don't like talking about. It's uncomfortable and often people will go through great lengths to hide aspects of themselves or their lives that they feel shame around. And if you've ever experienced trauma earlier in life, there's a good chance shame might have become a very familiar companion and is still showing up in adulthood, impacting how you feel towards yourself and getting in the way of the life you want to lead. So in this episode, we're going to explore three things. What shame actually is? Why childhood trauma can make shame so deeply embedded? And importantly, how you can begin to heal your relationship with shame. And okay, let's get started. So what is shame? The first thing to say is that shame is a human emotion that we can all experience. It's unlikely that you'll make it into adulthood without experiencing shame at some point. There are many definitions out there, but loosely they all point in the same direction. That shame is a self-conscious emotion that arises when we feel we've failed to meet social or personal standards, often leading to feelings of unworthiness or self-contempt. So it's that sense that we've done something bad, something shameful. People are going to think less of us, judges. It's that feeling where we really want the ground to swallow us up. In simple terms, shame is the feeling of wanting to hide. And how often do people do just that? They might not tell someone about the thing they're shameful of, or they might go to great lengths to try and conceal it. And how often do I see this in the therapy room, that it can take a little bit of time, someone to feel safe, comfortable, like they trust me, that they begin sharing some of the deepest parts or experiences of themselves, that they feel shame around. So at its root, it's that sense that you've done something below your personal or social standards, and now you're feeling shameful, you're feeling bad about it. Let's also consider this for a moment from an evolutionary perspective, and the idea that shame evolved to keep us connected to others. If we think about human beings being social animals, for most of our evolutionary history, being rejected by the group could literally threaten survival. But from an evolutionary perspective, emotions like shame evolved as a kind of social alarm system. It helps us notice when we might have broken a rule or damaged a relationship. When that alarm system kicks into place, we might then feel we need to rectify whatever has happened and repair the relationship. Which in turn would increase our chance of survival. And when this response comes on occasionally, it can be helpful. It signals something needs attention. Maybe we have actually done something that falls beneath the reasonable standards we have for ourselves and others, that we can recognize this and rectify appropriately. But if the light is permanently on, even when nothing is wrong, this is an indication that the shame system is no longer functioning in this healthy, adaptive way. And that's where we move into the distinction between healthy shame and toxic shame. Healthy shame might sound like I shouldn't have spoken to them like that. What can I do to make this better? Toxic shame sounds more like a regular and underlying sense. Even if you're behaving in perfectly reasonable ways, that I am a terrible person. I'm bad, I've done wrong. There's something wrong with me. I'm unlovable in some way. So shame is a natural social emotion that we can all feel at times. From an evolutionary perspective, it's designed to help us stay connected, to maintain our position in the tribe or social system and to repair mistakes. But it can become toxic when it shifts from, I did something wrong in that moment to, I am something wrong. So take a moment to think about this for you. In what moments does shame show up in your own life? Is it around particular people, environments, and does it feel healthy coming up occasionally? Or is there an underlying sense of feeling that you're doing wrong, not good enough, failing? Maybe that you're a bad person in some way. In the next section, we're going to explore why childhood trauma can often make shame so deeply embedded in the first place. Shame can often become deeply embedded in childhood because of the messages children either receive or create about themselves. Let's look at both of these. To first, the messages that child receives from the people or environment around them, and sometimes those messages are explicit, a child might be directly told things like, "What's wrong with you? You're bad. You're too sensitive. Why can't you be more like your brother or sister?" And of course, most children will experience discipline or correction at times, and that in itself doesn't necessarily have to be harmful. But in some environments, those messages can become constant, harsh, and shaming. And maybe over time the child doesn't just hear that they've done something wrong. They begin to feel that they themselves are wrong. Or maybe it develops in more subtle ways. The messages are implicit, rather than explicit. For example, a caregiver withdrawing when a child expresses emotion, a disappointed look or frown, affection being withheld, children can be incredibly sensitive to these signals. Even small changes in a caregiver's face, their tone, body language has the potential to communicate something powerful. So whether those messages are explicit or implicit, the underlying message can start to feel the same. There's something I'm doing wrong, or there is something wrong with me. So that's the first way that shame can begin to be embedded on a deep level in childhood. The second is the messages that children create for themselves. Children and natural meaning makers, which helps their development, that they can begin to understand their environment and the world in which they live. But it also means that when something painful happens, their mind tries to answer the question, why? Why did this happen? And often the conclusion with childhood trauma can become, it must be my fault. Now from an adult perspective, we might clearly see that this isn't true. But from a child's perspective, that conclusion can actually make sense. And depending completely on adults around them, for safety, care, survival. their nervous system is wired to maintain connection with their caregivers. So imagining that a caregiver is unsafe, unreliable, or harmful, can actually feel incredibly threatening, because if the person they rely on for survival isn't safe, that's terrifying for a child's system to hold. So often the mind will try and find another explanation. Instead of thinking something's wrong with my caregiver, the conclusion becomes something must be wrong with me. The child's mind protects the attachment relationship and flips the narrative. Instead of they failed me, it can become I failed them. And this doesn't only happen in relation to caregivers. For example, I often see this with clients who've experienced childhood sexual abuse. Many of them carry deep shame about what happened. They might wonder, "Did I somehow cause this? Could I have stopped it?" Maybe I should have done something differently. Sometimes they even question whether the abuse really happened. And again, from the outside, we can clearly see the child was not responsible. But the child's mind may have tried to create an explanation that felt more manageable at the time. Something like if I'd been different or acted differently, this wouldn't have happened. So those two ways, the explicit and implicit messaging that a child receives when growing up. But also the types of messages that children can create about themselves, connecting the missing dots and trying to make meaning from their environment. And the challenge is often this. Over time, shame can stop feeling like an occasional emotion and instead become part of someone's identity. And this is what we're going to explore in the next section. How shame then carries on in the adulthood, how it goes from starting something external to becoming an internal relationship to self. Let's talk a little bit about how shame might still be showing up for you in the here and now. And the ways that it can become an internal way of relating to self. At one end of the spectrum, it might sound like I'm not good enough. Further along, it might sound like I'm unlovable. And even further along, it can become. It's my fault. I'm fundamentally broken. Once shame becomes embedded in this way, it can quietly influence many areas of adult life. You might experience no self-esteem and worth a sense of not feeling good in who you are. Maybe there's a harsh and critic, a part of you that's constantly pointing out your flaws. Maybe you have difficulty receiving love or praise. It doesn't fit with your own self-concept. Perhaps there's disconnection, loneliness. If you have high shame, low self-worth, reaching out, maintaining relationships can sometimes be more difficult. Or maybe you constantly feel like an imposter that you're going to get found out. For being this awful person, that this part of you feels that you are. One client described it to me as "it's a bit like trying to fill a bucket with a small hole in the bottom." No matter how much validation or praise goes in, there's something deep inside that says "don't believe that." That's not who you are. And that is often the transition shame makes from being something external to internal. What began as how other people treated us can slowly become how we treat ourselves. And inside many people who have high degrees of shame, there can often be a very active inner critic. Part of you that's putting you down, pointing out your flaws, telling you that you're not good enough, you should be doing better, you need to achieve more, you need to be more than what you are. And can often compound the sense of shame and the wrongness that someone is experiencing. So if any of this is feeling familiar for you, if you notice shame showing up as a persistent feeling inside or maybe a harsh inner critic or just perhaps a quiet sense that somehow you're not quite right, then the next part of this episode is really for you. Because when shame has become internal like this, healing often involves developing a different relationship with yourself. And this is where something that might sound simple, but can actually be really quite powerful begins to come in. And that is self-compassion. So let's talk now about how you begin building a new internal relationship with yourself. One that can start to soften toxic shame through a new way of relating to yourself. And the word I want to introduce here is self-compassion. Because guys, in many ways, self-compassion is the antidote to shame. And this isn't about switching off, hitting the relaxed button. Because often when I mention self-compassion to clients, some can say it sounds a little bit fluffy. Isn't that just going easy on myself? What if I become lazy? But that's not really what we mean here. Self-compassion in trauma work isn't about letting ourselves off the hook. It's about changing our internal relationship. Instead of relating to ourselves for criticism of shame, we begin experimenting with curiosity, understanding, care. Because if shame developed in relationship, which often it does, healing often happens through relationship too, including the relationship we have with ourselves, which leads us very nicely into our healing step for today. It's time for healing. Your healing step for today is to experiment with small moments of self-compassion. Not grand gestures, just small shifts. For example, if you notice your inner critic appearing, you might pause and ask yourself, what part of me is feeling her right now? Or if someone I cared about felt this way, how might I respond to them? Sometimes it can even help to imagine speaking to your younger self. I know I do this at times. The version of you who experienced that shame. What might that younger version of you have needed to hear? After it's something very simple. Something like, you didn't deserve that. Or, I get why you felt that way. What we're doing here is creating small moments of compassion and understanding towards ourselves. Because shame tells us we're bad, wrong, defective. Self-compassion gently offers a different message. One that says, something painful happened here, and it deserves understanding and care. And this is often where healing begins. That brings us to the end of today's episode, guys. Thank you once again for being here. If this episode resonated, please to leave the podcast a five-star review that helps it to grow and to reach more people. Wherever you go to next in your day, I hope you go well and I'll catch you next time on the Healing Child of Trauma Podcast. [Music]