Why Can't You Let Go, Even When You Know You Should?

You have decided that you are done at least five times. You have blocked numbers, deleted contacts, changed your address. You have told your friends about it and every single time you meant it. But then a thought pops up in your head, a memory flashes in front of your eyes. Maybe there is a song that reminds you of them. Or you are in a place where you used to hang out. And all of a sudden you are back from where you started. You do not have a will power problem. You have that plenty and that's why you were able to move out of that space. This is something else. This is something deeper that is going on. And that's what today's episode is about. Today we are answering why you can't let go even when you know you should. And in today's episode we are going to see what all modalities you have tried already that did not work. We'll also see four real reasons why you can't let go even when every cell of your body knows that you should. Then we will move on to why trying to let go is the thing that is trapping you. And why it all comes back crashing in especially when you feel that now you have moved on. Now you are making some progress but it pulls you back. And what Vedanta says about this deepest kind of holding. That even the spiritual people, even the wise people are not able to let go of. Then we will see that what can actually help in letting go. And in the end I will be answering your questions which you have shared on Instagram. Let's begin. Let's dive in. Welcome to the Retachment Circle where we dive deeper in the mindfulness, detachment and spiritual wisdom to help you live with clarity and peace. My name is Sadhar, your guide in this journey to self-realization. Let's see what people do when they want to move on. First it is a game. Blocking the contact then seeing that whether they have sent anything, then you unblock it. If there is none you will block it again. And after some time you will unblock it. You know that game. Or you delete the photos but you keep one folder aside. You may delete the contact but you may still keep the chat history. Maybe to go through it, maybe to see what went wrong or maybe just in case. Or you start working on yourself. There is a renewed energy for self-improvement. So you start heading gym. You start working out. You are obsessed about becoming better than before. So that you do not get hurt again. Or so that you can show them that what they have lost. They can have a realization that they have lost somebody very precious. Or some people would keep themselves very busy. Day in day out they will keep working. And so that there is no space in their entire day where their old memory can come back. Or I have also seen people journal about them. Try to release them through journals by writing about it. Pages and pages of releasing them. Or people move towards healing or caught cutting methods. Those ritualistic things may give you an experience but they are not very lasting. Or the most important one, the closure conversation. You start reimagining this situation where you are meeting them and having a final conversation. The closure which will set you free. Maybe once you talk to them one last time, it will all be over. It will all become fine again. And sometimes you do reach out. You go back and have one more conversation. And instead of freeing you, it pulls you back. It makes you relive the wound. Or people rebound quickly move on, start seeing some other person. So that you can stop thinking about someone old. Or in no contact, countdown. Today is day 10 of the break up. Today is the 16th of no contact. As if there is a clock or a calendar which is running in your mind. Now, want you to tell me which one of those have you tried already? What is your go-to method? We will come back to it. That is very important. So think of it. Now, I want you to notice something. Every single one of these modalities. What is one thing that is common between them? Each one is organized around them. Each one of them makes you circle around them. The blocking is about them, keeping busy is about them. Self-improvement has become about them. The closure conversation, everything. Keeping yourself super busy is about them. Even the countdown, the clock ticking is about them. You have built your entire day so that you do not think about them. What does it mean that they are still in the center of your day, every day? Hold on to that, because we are going to come back to it. For now, I want to give you what are the real reasons that people cannot move on? What are the reasons you cannot let go even when you want to? First reason is that your mind is done, your body isn't. You can decide something in your head in the morning. And you expect yourself to follow that, but the body has not received it yet. The body did not get the memo yet. When you are at a place for some time or when you are with someone, for some time you get familiar to them. Your nervous system, learn their presence, has safety. For your nervous system, anything which is familiar, anything which is repetitive, is safety. So, their voice, their smell, their messages. All of them give you some relief, because nervous system feels safe. That's okay, I have somebody, and it does not care whether that somebody is not loving or that somebody is very toxic. Or there is no peace in that relationship, nervous system cannot see all of that. It just sees that if we are in their repetitive environment, it is familiar and familiar means safe. Now, when you are with them, that's what your nervous system is learning. When they are gone, the body goes into a mold, you can think of it a withdrawal mold. The body was used to something, and now that something has taken away from the body. So, it has those withdrawal symptoms. The restlessness, searching for them, trying to reach out, trying to have one more conversation. Keep thinking about them. And you don't even realize when the body just automatically takes over, and it starts doing what it wants to do. The mind has decided that I will never reach out, there is no contact from my side. This is what mind has decided. Body, again, did not get the memo. Body is still going through those withdrawal systems. Body is still used to messaging them, reaching out to them. almost like a muscle memory, it used to them, your body is used to them, so it reacts. And someone also wrote to me about the same, that the temporary sense of emotional safety and relief of their presence pulls me back. Look at that word, relief from their presence. relief from what? As if you were in pain before and their presence was a pain killer. And now that pain killer has been taken away and again you are left with pain. So something was hurting before they walked into your life. Now this is something you should be sitting with. That they were the medicine, they were the pain killer. What was before that? Because now when the medicine is gone, the old pain has come back, old emptiness has come back, past wounds have come back. And the mind calls that pain, love, that you are preaching out to them because there is love. But it isn't, it is just your body has not realized that they are no longer in the picture. It takes some time for your body to catch up. Now let's move on to the second reason, that you are not holding on to a person. You are holding on to the mind's projections. So your mind is very clever. It will either hold on to the memories of the past. It will not hold on to all the toxic days or the painful days. It will only remember something from the past, from the memory. And also the projection of the future. What could have been? So not only you are holding on to the past but also to a future that did not exist. And this is the case with the majority of the people. They are not grieving what has happened to them. It is not about the past anymore. It is about what could have been, what was supposed to happen. All the plants you made, a version of you that would have existed. Maybe the house, maybe the marriage, maybe the trip you have planned. The way you would introduce them to your family or the children or the family you named in your head. The whole life which could have been, which might have existed. So again, a mind's projection. But that life never existed outside you. It only existed inside your head, inside the mind's projection imagination. And it is the hardest thing to let go. We can't let go of it because it never existed. And someone also wrote to me that I am scared that what if it was the right one for me and I wasted it. That question keeps the door open on purpose. Because as long as it could have been right, it isn't over yet. The what if is a way of staying, holding. Look at that sentence. I am scared that what if it was right for me. If it was right for you, then you wouldn't have been in this situation. You cannot waste anything that is not aligned for you. But then mind's projection are very true. It does not see the reason why the separation happens. It completely ignored all the data points which happened before you got separated. And it only keeps the projection. What could have been something from the future or something from the past. It never accepts the reality which is here in the moment. And the third reason is known pain feels safer than the unknown. One thing that mind hates is uncertainty, the unknown, that scares it. So it wants to be in control. It wants to ensure that it can predict. Prediction is safer, repetition like I said is safer, but unknown, uncertainty that is a threat. The pain you are in right now, you know it very well. You know when it comes, where it comes, how it feels. And you also know how to survive it. You know that care this pain will come, this will happen and after sometime I will survive. The way you have survived that relationship, you did. But what is on the other side of letting go, you don't know. You know this pain, that okay, during the relationship it used to be like that. Now it is like this, so you know it. That may be in my very busy day, which I keep not to think about them. If I stay still, then what happens? The pain will come. And I know how to deal with the pain, so it is safe. But if I let go of it, who will I be? If I let go of this pain, I would know who will I be. It is unknown, scary. For mind, familiar heart is safer than unknown emptiness. For your mind, familiar pain is safer than an unknown. Unknown is a threat. Somebody wrote to me, "I can't let go of the fear of what is next." The uncertainty feels heavier than the present. The uncertainty feels heavier than the present. The present is painful, for sure you are not able to let go, you are trying really hard. But it is still lighter than not knowing. Not knowing what is going to happen. That is a bigger threat and that is one other reason why we hold on to somebody or something from our past. And the last one, the fourth one, is you are holding who you were with them. This is interesting because this is my work, the identity work, who you were with them, a version of you existed with them. That version of you. The version who was chosen, the version who took care of them, a version who was cared for, a version who was relieved from the pain, a version who got a sense of purpose, a version who was fully seen, maybe a version who was appreciated, and a version who was going to make it work, who was putting all the effort and energy to make it work. That version of you existed in that relationship, you were someone, you had that itinerary. And letting go now means letting go of that self. being and a lot of times that's who we are holding on to a past version of yourself and now when you let go of that weight when you let go of them that version will cease to exist the version is no longer there, we're just holding on to an illusion of it so letting go of them letting go of the memories means letting go of that's self and your mind does not want to do that it cannot let go of itself that identity is fighting for its existence and I'll explain it to you in detail but for now I want you to pause here with me out of these four which one is yours is it your body which is still catching up or which is still reacting as if you are going through a withdrawal or a future which may have existed which could have existed or the fear of a blank page fear of uncertainty the unknown or the person you were when you were with them the identity don't pick the one with sounds correct sit with it for a moment journal about it meditate on it what was it because once you know it then you will be able to let go of it now moving on why even after everything you have tried you were not able to let go now moving on coming back to our first question which I asked you to hold that you have tried so many things but still why you are not able to let go because every one of those modalities has effort in it it is about doing it is about becoming and like I said everything revolves around them because they are the centerpiece but why you are not able to let go why those modalities failed is it only because they are at the center no because trying to let go is a way of holding trying to let go is a way of holding onto them think of it in this way when you push something away you still need to touch it when you are counting the days since your break up since the last contact you are still measuring your life from them when you write pages after pages after pages about releasing them when you are cutting cord energetically you are spending more time with them they are occupying a lot of space in your life you are still touching them every time you try to cut cord with them you are touching them and there is no contact there is a time or running it is again an obsession and it goes deeper than that somebody wrote to me that I can't let go even though I am well aware nothing will change there is no hope just pure acceptance and it feels like being stuck now do you see what did she do here she did everything right she stopped hoping she started accepting it then it should have worked that's what they say right the more you accept the more you are able to let go then why acceptance is not working why she is still stuck because acceptance also these days it is done as a task acceptance has become a task it is still a grip you are still touching them I must accept this why because somebody on instagram said it on on a video why I must accept because somebody wrote it in a book I was hard broken and I bought a book and that's what they say accept everything so I must accept that must has the same energy of I must get back to them they are not too separate I must accept do you see the amount of work which you have put in here must your hand is still closed the grip is still there I must accept what do we do to accept probably you'll do some acceptance meditation and filling prompts after prompts after prompts in your journal about acceptance using affirmations for acceptance what does it do it is putting more work more effort the one who is trying to let go is the same one who is holding let me try to explain it to you with the help of a story once upon a time there was a hunter he was given a task of catching monkeys so the hunter takes a coconut and he cuts a small hole so that a monkey's hand can fit in and he fills that coconut with rice and ties the coconut to the tree and walks away and he hides the monkey comes along it smells the rice and slides his hands in and monkey was able to grab a fistful of rice now the monkey was trying to pull his hand out but because his hand was holding the rice it was too big and it could not come out so monkey starts freaking out it pulls harder and harder it screams you know it is trying to twist itself or thrashes it or drags it everywhere but his arm is tired and his hand is not coming out no matter how much he tries the hunter walks in slowly he doesn't need to hurry of course the monkey can see him coming monkey is scared and he pulls even harder although his arm is tired he is still trying to pull harder his hand he is trying to trash the coconut and it was very easy for him to escape all he had to do was open his fist stop grabbing the rice nobody was holding the monkey you see there was no a trap the only trap was that he was holding the rice if the monkey was able to let go of it he would have been free the monkey was holding the rice the rice was not holding the monkey nothing was holding the monkey I want you to sit with that that monkey is not stupid it knows the hunter it knows that the hunter is dangerous If you last the monkey, it will tell, "Hey, never go near the hunter, be aware of them." But it still won't open his hands. Because opening the hands means losing the rice. And in that moment, rice feels like everything. So to be liberated, sometimes, we need to just stop holding. And with that's what I'll be telling you, how to do that. But before that, let's move on to why it comes back when you thought you are done with it. When you are actually moving forward when you are making progress, why it pulls you back? Why you have to start all over again? Because you have done the work, you have done healing, you have done maybe therapy, months have passed, you are genuinely okay, if you started working out, of course, it is also showing up in your body, getting confident. You have not thought about them in weeks. And then either the trigger comes from outside, that they are with somebody else or they are getting married, maybe you see a photo or maybe something from the past that kind of reminded you of them. And it all comes back, every memory, like none of the progress actually happened, why? And that's exactly somebody said to me. And in case you want to write to me, you can do that on Instagram, on my channel, the attachment circle, I take the questions from there and you get to select the theme. So she wrote, it's been nine months since the breakup, he got committed to another girl and suddenly all the memories hit me. Somebody else wrote repetitive thinking about past sad things. So what is actually happening, you were making progress, then why, why everything started coming back. And when you saw somebody else with them, why you got hurt again, as if you never moved on. Again, it is somebody getting threatened. The version of you that existed in that relationship has survived. And the moment they move on, it gets the message that the story is over. It feels that now I will cease to exist. Now somebody else is there in that story. All the future which you thought would exist, now there is somebody else there, somebody else living that future. So what it will do, it will go to the memories. It will go to the past to prove that it was real. It needs proof in that moment because they are that version is seizing to exist now. Because it has survived the breakup, it has healed somewhat, it has made progress, but it did not got dissolved. It survived. But now since somebody else is there, now they are finally moving on. That means this version which survived will cease to exist very soon. So it will go to the memories. It will collect more proof to stay relevant, to stay alive. And the memories are self-defending itself. That's why you can't think your way out of them. It becomes an obsession over and over, the same thoughts keeps coming in your mind. And you can't argue with something which is fighting for its survival. So that's why this identity or the anger will not go. It cannot delete itself. And now when that story is ending, it is feeling threatened. So Ankar has only one job to stay alive. That's why it brings the memories from the past. That's why even after several months have passed, years have passed, it can still come back. Because it wants to stay relevant, stay alive. If not with them, then they will, if not with them, the Ankar will find another person where it gets to live the same story. That's karmic patterns. In case you have not watched that video, do that. And that's exactly what we are going to learn in our next segment with the help of an example from Patanjali Yoga Sutra. Patanjali in Yoga Sutra gave us five clashes or five root causes of suffering. The first one is Avidya, the ignorance which we talk about at times. Second is Asmita or egoism or ego, the Ahankar or Raag, the attachment. We talked about attachment in the episode of where Agia, if you remember. Then Dvesha, the intense hatred towards something or the Abhnievesha, the fear of death clinging to life. This is exactly what we are going to discuss today, the Abhnievesha, the fifth, Klesha or the fifth root cause of suffering. Abhnievesha is clinging to one's own life. Clinging to one's own continuation that I should continue. He says it rules even the spiritual people, even the wisest people. The wisest people want to exist, they cling on to their own identity. It is the last thing to go. The Ahankar may be, but how can I not cling on to my own life? How can I be okay in seizing to exist? Now connect it to our own example. When you try to let go of someone, what is actually being asked to end? The self that was built around them, the identity that was built around them. The one who was chosen, the one who was loved or who loved them, the version who was relieved from the past pain or the one from the future or the one with that future. That version of you, that identity, we are asking it to end. We are asking it that you don't exist anymore, because now we are no longer together. To that self, to that identity, letting go does not feel like moving on. It feels like dying. Because for that self, it is, it is a death. And that's why I never teach identity work in a group setting, because it is very personal. It needs precision, it needs one-on-one. Because we are trying to let go of something which you are. And this identity, it likes to learn to heal itself. It will feel like progress when you learn about it, when you read about it. It enjoys that, because it knows that right now, I am in no threat. But now when we are asking it to end it is existential problem and that's why this is very carefully done in my one-on-one container which is the karmic lens. This is a four months of process where we separate these identities from you and we rebuild one which is made by you and then you live it. In case you would want to apply for it I'll put the link in the description. I only take very handful people there because that path is not for everyone. Now because it feels like death to that identity it cannot let itself go. It can heal itself or at least tries to heal itself but it cannot let itself go. That is why fear blows out of the proportion in this situation. That is why a very grown mature, capable, intelligent, spiritual person can't stop checking one message. Can't stop checking if they have received a message and they know it all. And somebody also wrote it to me. This fear protects something in me. I can't really pinpoint it. That's exactly it. The fear is the guard. What it is guarding is itself because it does not want to dissolve itself. It cannot let go of itself. So that's why you hold on to it. Avinevesha. The desire of continuation. I must continue. I must live. And this happens to most of us. I am no different here. I have been like that monkey who would hold on to things even when I know it is hurting me. Even when I know that I must stop it now but I couldn't. I was holding on to that rise. And it took me some time. It took me courage to see myself. Courage to let go. Courage to let go of that version of me. And that had to die for a new version to be born. So yeah. That's the last thing to go. And even the current version. This won't be the permanent. This will also cease to exist one day. And that's what this life is all about. Moving from one version to another. One identity to another. Or touch something which is eternal. Because once you have tasted that divine, once you have seen that light, which is not an illusion, which is not impermanent, which is eternal, then the liberation is absolutely possible. So let's talk about it. What actually frees you? How can you actually let go? Do you remember the episode where I talked about where I got here? If you have heard it, you will remember the image. A ripe fruit falls from the tree. What happens? Nobody is pulling it. Nobody is shaking the branch. It falls because it is ready. And branch just let go of it without any effort. In the fall season, the trees are letting go of the leaves. They are not trying to remove it. They are just simply not holding on to them. Letting go works the same way. You stop holding it. Letting go cannot be done. It is not an act of doing. It happens. It happens when you are ready. You don't do it. It is not doing here. What you can do is look honestly. At what your hand is actually holding. What is it? This hand is holding. Is it them? Is it the relief? Is it the fear of uncertainty, fear of unknown? Is your hand holding the version of you that you were in that relationship? What is it? When you see it clearly, when you really see it, then grip has nothing to stand on. Your ahankara, like I explained it to you in the attraction episode, ahankara can survive everything. But it cannot survive being seen. So here, what you are going to do? See what you are holding. See what is inside that fist. What is the rise for that monkey? Once you see it, the hand will open on its own. The same way the monkeys would have in case it understood that the rise was the trap. If monkey would have realized in that moment that the rise is not holding its hand, he is holding the rise. He would have been free. The seeing is the witness, this witnessing. The part of you that can watch itself, the part of you which is listening to me right now, which is aware that it exists, that witness. It can watch the fist without becoming the fist. It can watch itself and this witnessing is really powerful because it takes you to your true self, to your natural essence of such an existence, consciousness and place. The seeing is the witnessing and it is not done once because again, ahankara or abhinevesha, it will try to grip again, it will try to hold on to something again because it is fighting for its survival. And you will see again, you will witness again and each time you see it, it holds a little less. So for you, witness what you are holding, the more you see it, the less you will be holding on to. And this you do not need to read about signs of what I am holding. You do not have to write pages about it, you just need to sit with yourself without audio. Sit with yourself. When do we try it now, let's do it right now. I want you to close your eyes if you can. Pitch your head closed and think of that person which you are not able to let go. Now, look at this fist. What is inside the fist? Not who, what? The relief, the future, the safety, the version of you, name it, that's all. Just name what you have been holding, and you will see the fist will open again. And you will be free. And I want to be honest with you, when you will open your hand, that doesn't mean that you will get instant relief, half of the time, because we want so many shortcuts, we want these remedies, some magical stuff, so that we can quickly let go. And like I said, the harder you try, the more rituals you follow, the more you are holding on to them. So don't look for a shortcut. The hand will open, but it will not free you immediately. There is a gap between that time and your liberation. Nobody is coming. You are in that empty space, which you were so afraid of. When you will let go, that will happen. You will be in a space where it feels empty, but it is temporary. Some days may feel like boredom, some days may feel like loss all over again. You will keep seeing, and keep opening your hand. What you need to stay in it, do not rush it, do not fill it with something, do not make yourself a project, don't make letting go a project, don't fill it with somebody else, not in you because after that quiet, after that emptiness, something will come which you have not felt for a very long time, lightness, your peace belongs to you again. You notice things, you laugh without checking your phone after, you are able to breathe freely. That happens, but for that you need to go through that phase of emptiness. Something beautiful will bloom from there, a new version of you will bloom from there. But for that you need to cross that emptiness. What comes next doesn't need to be gripped. Even if you start dating later on, you be with some other person, it will not be like the obsession, it will be different. Because now you have gone through a process where you have actually let go of that past version. Karma clues, patterns, they may still try to repeat, but letting go happen, you are free, you are breathing freely. Now let's quickly take some of your questions. The first question, lack of belongingness, fear of loneliness and uncertainty. The temporary sense of emotional safety and relief of their presence pulls me back. You see, he has named everything, the fear of loneliness and uncertainty. We discussed it, that unknown, that fear is so real that the mind starts going back. It will hold on to something from the past, and that absolutely will pull you back. Somebody else said, "I can't let go of my first relationship. I was not even in the relationship, but now mentally I am not able to let go. Hope kept lingering inside. I was telling it in my circle recently, hope without an action is an illusion. If hope is followed by an action, if hope has no action, it is an illusion. And that's something which most people are living. Circle, and just to tell you, wisdom circle is my community. That is a small group of people where we learn together, we share together, there are a lot of Q&As, there are a lot of monthly lives. In case you want to join, I will put the link in the description, there is a small fee which you have to pay on a monthly basis, and we all meet, and we learn together. We are trying to break our karmic patterns. In case you want to join, link would be in the description. Third question, I can't let go even though I am well aware, nothing will change, and there is no hope, just pure acceptance, feels like being stuck. I think I have already taken this situation in the episode previously. So yeah, even that acceptance is doing, you are doing an acceptance, because acceptance should be releasing. If acceptance is done, I need to release, that means I am holding it more. It is like sleep, acceptance is just like sleep. The more you try to sleep, the less you will be able to sleep. The moment you let go, you will not even realize when you slept. Similarly, acceptance, the more you let go of it, the acceptance is coming, they won't try to accept. Next, I can't let go of the fear of what is next. The uncertainty feels heavier than the present, yes, because present, we know, it is a known pain, future, we don't know, it is uncertainty. So the mind will cling on to the familiar. In case you want to ask me a question, you know where to do that, you can either comment below this video, or send your question to me on Instagram, based on that week's theme. I always take questions from there. Then in the end, all I can say that you do not have a willpower problem, you are not weak. You are trying to let go of something with the same hand that was holding it. So that is why it doesn't work. Nobody is holding you there. Nobody ever was. It is you who hold. It is not the other way around. Nobody is holding you. You are clinging. And it is my default. It is not your fault here. There is nothing wrong with you. Aapni Vesha, it is that Ankara which wants to live a reality by mind's projection from the past or from the future which is trying to exist. So in the end, I will leave you with one question. What do you think not letting go is protecting you? What do you think is holding on, is protecting you. Find that and you will find the fist. What are you actually holding on to? And you will find that it was yours the whole time. Nobody else was doing it. It was you. And once you see it, the grip will start to loosen. You will start becoming free. You will go in an emptiness space. You will have to empty yourself because that Ankara, that version of you, that identity will slowly die and a new one will be born. And that new one, you have created. It is not circling around anybody and that's why it will feel light. And in case you would want to do deep identity work in a one-on-one setting, then I'll put the link in the description, do check it out. In case you find my podcast helpful, I want you to subscribe or follow it. If you will comment below, I will know that you have understood it and if you had an equation, I would be happy to answer them. Until next time. I want you to sit with today's episode because this is very deep. This is about you holding on to things. And once you understand that, you can be free. Share this episode with somebody who needs to hear this. Until next time, stay aware, stay free and stay true to yourself. You were listening to The Retachment Circle. My name is Sadhat. Your guide in this journey to self-realisation.