59. Why Being ‘Too Nice’ Triggers Avoidants to Pull Away

Understanding Why Avoidants Pull Away from 'Too Nice' People Hi guys. Welcome back to another episode of the New Day with Natalie podcast. My name is Natalie Louise. Thank you for being here. Today we're going to be talking about why avoidantly attached people fear hurting someone that is just too nice and too kind to them, OK? And that person is probably you, the person that they are dating or broke up with. OK, I see this all the time within an anxious and an avoidant relationship dynamic. OK, avoidance have a lot of fears, but they really do care about you and they don't want to hurt you. And so the fear of me messing up, me saying the wrong thing, me not being the person you want me to be, that could hurt you. And that scares avoidantly attached people deep. OK, so in this episode, we're going to get into the psychology and all of the the good details. All right, so let's just jump into it. So avoidably attached people leave the relationship, they break up with you. OK, Usually there's a lot of reasons, but one of the main reasons that I've seen commonly is because they think you're too good, you're too kind, you're too sincere, you're just a goody 2 shoes or, you know, whatever it is. OK. But actually that's what they tell themselves. But there's usually a layer that goes beneath OK, And that layer says that they actually are afraid of something, OK? They're not thinking logically, they're just afraid. And the fear is making them move. OK, so avoidance often frame the break up as you deserve better or I can't meet you where you are, so I have to go. Let's just break up. Or they could say you're just too good for me. OK so maybe your avoiding act has used that line on you and I'm sorry if that happened because that sucks but that is what they are thinking and they tell their brain and they are like yes this is the reason I'm ending the relationship. OK. But on the surface, OK, this sounds like they are very self aware, right? And kind of selfless at the same time, OK. But psychologically, again, if we go on a deeper level, it's actually fear dressed up as rationality, OK? So what's really happening internally if we go deep is that they perceive your emotional availability as high expectations. You want to hang out with your avoidant partner all the time. You want to go on dates, you want to text them, you want to see them, you want to hold them, you want to lay on top of them, right? And they see that as you're really available all the time. And that sets really high expectations. I don't know if I can meet those expectations. And you deserve the world. And if I can't do that, maybe we're not a good fit, OK. Also, internally they're thinking that your consistency highlights their inconsistency. So if you're always responding back, if you're always watching a story, if you're always like I was thinking of you and I did this right and they aren't, you're basically as anxious holding up a mere to your avoidant partner. And they're just like, I'm not good for them. Like they are always present, loving me, always wanting to be with me, always wanting to just take care of me. And I just can't. I don't do that. I want to, but I just don't. And I don't know what's wrong with me. And so you're basically helping them see their inconsistencies or their weaknesses, if you will. OK. Also your death of feeling also mirrors back what they can't assess within themselves. So your ability to really go deep and just like feel your emotions and express your emotions avoidantly attached. People have a hard time doing that. So when you're constantly doing that in the relationship effortlessly, it kind of puts pressure on the avoidant. And they start to think like, wow, I don't know if I'm the right person for you, but I have a lot of flaws and I don't want to mess this up and hurt you. OK, So this starts to create internal inadequacy as well as as well as anxiety within the avoidantly attached person. Yes, avoidance feel anxiety too. And they usually really feel it give you a secret when the relationship ends and you stop talking to them and they're just like feeling the anxiety of why did I do that? I should reach out. I'm scared to reach out. They might reject me. Oh my gosh. And so on. OK, that's for a different story. Avoidants: Losing Themselves and Seeing Love as Pressure But their internal thoughts are go something like this, I'm going to disappoint this person. So I better in the relationship now, OK, Or I won't be able to sustain this level of closeness. I'm just not cut out for it, OK? And they know you're a good person. They know you're a kind person and they want to give you everything you want. They just know they're not cut out for it, OK? So instead of rising up to meet you and growing and changing and evolving together, right, they actually preemptively exit to avoid feeling like they are a failure, OK? So that also helps to protect their self-image because they're thinking like, I left you because I care, OK, So they're self images. I don't make mistakes. I am autonomous, I am strong, and I am independent. And if I end this with you, it's because I'm doing this before the damage is bad. But you and I both know whenever there's a breakup, it's painful. There's going to be damage. OK, so the damage is already done, but to the avoiding, it's like I'm doing it before it gets bad. But to you, you're like, it already is bad. What are you talking about? OK, so the core psychology concept I really want to hit home with you is that avoidance. Don't fear you, OK? They fear who they feel like they have become in order to love you properly. In other words, they're losing themselves in the relationship and that's scary. They don't want to lose themselves. They don't want to feel like this relationship has just swallowed them whole. They don't know their hobbies, their identity, their schedule, like they're literally connected to you and was codependent. And that's a scary thing for most people. Avoidance really notice it. Anxious people are like, I notice it and I like it. Avoiding people are like, I notice it and I need to get away to find myself again. I haven't talking more about this recently, but I think a lot of avoidance when they feel like they're too codependent. They need to go on an eat pray love adventure. OK, That might literally mean getting on a plane and traveling across the world and finding themselves again. OK. And when there is distance they will be able to calm down their own nervous system, find themselves again and realize I'm happy in the relationship. It could also be on a smaller scale where they have an eat, pray love moment where they just don't talk to you all weekend or all week and they just kind of process, OK, it's different for everyone. Some avoidant attached people don't believe that they can have this eat, pray love moment when they're in a relationship with you. So they just end the relationship, have their eat, pray love moment and then they're like, wait, whoa, I just had this realization like maybe I actually do want to be with you. OK, so an eat pray love, you guys didn't know. It's a movie and also a book, but it's basically about this woman who is going through like this midlife crisis. She's going through a divorce and all these things and she's just like, I need to go and travel and find myself. So she goes to like Bali, India, Italy, and I think maybe one other place and she meets all these people and just goes through like all these experiences and she finds herself and comes back whole. So that's what I'm referring to if you're wondering. So avoiding the attack people also, so they fear hurting someone that is too kind and too nice. All right, that is the topic that we're talking about today. But now we're going to talk about how love feels like pressure and not safety. OK, so this whole umbrella of like fear of, OK, you're too perfect, you're too nice. I have to like get away because I don't want to hurt you. OK, The layer underneath, we just talked about the first layer, but now that layer that goes deeper is that love feeling connected, feeling like I can free fall into you, like you got me. That is scary. That is pressure. That is like I need to show up every day. I need to be held accountable, like I have to be there for you. I have to be another person. I can't be my own independent autonomous self. I have to show up another as a person that we're like partners. That's who I have to show up as and that doesn't feel safe. That feels unfamiliar and that's scary. OK, so love doesn't feel safe. It feels like pressure. It feels like expectations, feels like the job, and it's uncomfortable, OK? So that's avoidance, OK? Anxious people when they fall in love, love feels like safety. It feels like closeness. It feels like a warm blanket. It feels like reassurance. It feels like a big hug, OK? All the good things. If you're anxious, you know, avoidance, it's literally like the complete opposite, OK? Love feels like pressure, obligation, loss of autonomy, not safety. OK? It's not good. So when you start to show up as the anxious person, when you show up as being consistent, emotionally available and invested in the relationship, they start to freak out, OK? Their nervous system starts to interpret their relationship as like, I have to maintain this, OK, I'm responsible for your happiness, I can't mess this up. And that's a lot of pressure, OK, That's a job. That's a lot. And if you fail, then the avoidant takes that ownership. I failed and their self identity crumbles, OK. And so it just creates a pressure loop. And the loop goes something like this. The more that you show up in the relationship, the more pressure that the avoidant feels or the more pressure that they feel, the more that they decide I have to withdraw. OK. And the more that they withdraw, the more that you lean in, right? And then you're showing up more and then they feel more pressure and then they're withdrawing and then you lean in more and then they're like, this is even more pressure. And so it's like a it's like a loop. Yeah, it's like a cycle. And over time, they just start to feel so overwhelmed, so trapped, so emotionally exhausted that they just decide, like, I, I can't do this anymore, OK? So they start to just associate intimacy with responsibility, like being intimate, being in this relationship is a job, OK? And it's not a mutual experience. So like as the anxious, you're like, yes, I feel good. I feel close. Like this is amazing. Even if they're distancing, you're like, I can try harder. Like I know I got them, like I know how to change them. I still feel connected. I feel good, right? And the avoidant doesn't. Guilt, Chronic Tension, and Core Fears Leading to Breakup All right, So again, avoidance, fear hurting someone that is just too kind and too nice. All right, we talked about two layers. Now let's go one layer deeper. All right? They feel guilt and internal conflicts that just make the avoidantly attached person feel stuck. OK. And when they're stuck for a long enough time, they just snap. All right. So have you ever bottled something up and you didn't tell anyone your secrets and you're going through this hard thing and then all of a sudden, like someone says one random thing like, oh, I think you did this wrong. And you're like, what are you talking about? Oh my God. And you just like, freak out because you've bottled all of this up, all of this, this frustration, this pain, this conflict, and you didn't know who to tell it to. You didn't know how to process it. And then all of a sudden, one person says a random thing and you burst. OK, That's kind of what's happening with an avoidantly attached person in the relationship, OK? They feel a lot of guilt. You're just too nice. You're too kind, you're too perfect. You're too innocent. I don't want to hurt you. And I feel like I am because I'm not showing up in the way that you want me to. So they start to feel guilt, right? And there's just internal conflict of should I stay with them? Should I not stay with them? I feel stuck in this relationship. I want to be free, but I like being with them, but I don't want to be with them, OK? And so it's just this constant feeling of I'm stuck and I don't like this, I'm not happy and I don't want to hurt them. And then they finally snap and that's the break up usually. OK, So avoidantly attached people, they don't usually leave the relationship immediately. OK, as you know, if you have an anxious attachment, it could feel like that. You could just be like it was perfect one day and the next day they broke out with me. It can feel that way, but I guarantee the avoidantly attached person like slowly detached over time. It wasn't just like they woke up one day like this isn't going to work by after like making love the night before and like everything being perfect. OK, So usually what happens is they stay in the relationship while while they are trying to solve this internal conflict that they're experiencing, OK. And so their inner dialogue goes something like this. I care about you, but I just can't do this, OK. Or I don't want to hurt them, but I already AM. Or I want a connection, but I also want space, all right? So it's like, I want this, but I don't have it because I'm stuck in the relationship. OK, So this starts to create a chronic emotional tension within the avoidantly attached person. So they're feeling guilt like we just talked about. They're thinking like I'm hurting you. And that sucks, all right? They're feeling pressure. They're thinking I can't meet your needs and I want to be able to, and you deserve that. But like I can't and that sucks. All right? They feel desire, they want to have connection. They want to just be their own person, but they don't know how to have like this freedom and connection at the same time. They also are feeling a lot of resistance. OK, so when they try to get freedom, you're like, I haven't heard from you. Like why? Why are you acting different? Like what's going on? Or you start texting like crazy because they're not talking to you and you're where the relationships going to end. But they're just like, I just wanted to have a peaceful Saturday without talking to you. I just wanted to do my own thing. So like as they're trying to get freedom, they feel the resistance from you. All right. So you may see they're like snapping moments start to leak out, like their frustrations start to just leak out in moments where you have deep emotional talks, OK or like sun and vulnerability. So like, if you're talking about something that's very intimate and real and they're just really uncomfortable or they just don't want to talk or, or they're just like, yeah, they just don't have a conversation with you. That is when you can tell that, OK, the avoidantly attached person is really building up this tension and they don't even know how to, like, verbally tell you, I can't do this right now. Like I'm overwhelmed. My systems literally hit the Max. Like, I know you like these deep conversations, but I can't do this. They don't even know how to voice their needs at this point. So when you see them just like starting to just randomly cry or just kind of lose their shit a little bit, like I said, or just like if you initiate that deep conversation and they start crying and doing crazy things you've never seen, there's a good chance they're going to snap soon. OK, so they might say statements like I don't want to hurt you before they break up. They might say I can't love you the way that you love me, or I'm getting in my own way. OK, These are all statements that avoidance will say to you. And again, it sucks to hear it. And all of these signals are definitely not random, OK? It's it. They just happen for avoidance. And honestly, everyone, but we're just talking about avoidance here. When they hit an emotional overwhelm and that emotional overwhelm like hits a peak. So they just Max out. They're like, you know what? I can't feel any more emotions. I have to leave, that's it. Or I have to end this relationship. I'm done, OK? So eventually the tension, like I said, just becomes unbearable. And that's when they end the relationship because the easiest and fastest way to get out of a situation that you're uncomfortable in is literally to like physically move yourself. OK, so avoidance. They typically don't leave the relationship because they don't care about you or that they they fell out of love with you. Like sometimes that's the case, but usually they leave the relationship because there is an internal conflict that they're trying to solve and the tension just becomes too intense to sustain. And they realize that the only way for me to solve this inner conflict is to get away is to be by myself. And again, avoidant attached people regulate their nervous system on their own. They can't be around you. It's an independent activity. Anxiously attached people, you know how to regulate your nervous system with another person. In fact, you might actually rely on a third party to regulate your nervous system. So it's completely different. That's why there's usually like a miscommunication and heartbreak when this happens. OK, so now let's go one level deeper. OK? So again, avoidance, fear, hurting someone that is just too kind, too nice, too perfect, OK. And the root cause of that is fear of depending on someone else you and also fear of emotional responsibility. It's like a cocktail of those two things. Freaks avoidance out. OK, so at the core avoidantly attached people are wired around 1 belief. I cannot rely on you, I can only rely on myself. OK. So ever since they were younger, they learn how to self soothe alone, they learn how to process emotions independently, and they learn that needing other people means that they have to be vulnerable, which means that could be risky. So that's like their framework, OK, now getting into a romantic relationship that literally challenges all of those beliefs. All right. So when they start to feel like they are falling in love, that they're growing an attachment to you and and they're growing a deep desire for you, it triggers this fear. And they're just like, I'm becoming dependent on another person. This isn't good because this ends bad. It's ended bad in the past. Like this cannot happen again. So what they start to do is just Createspace intentionally to protect themselves. It's like how they self regulate being by themselves. So they just create a little bit of space they can kind of breathe and process. So like they could do that by literally physically, physically like creating distance or just delaying text message responses or phone calls or whatever. They could pull back after closeness. OK, maybe you guys were physically intimate or like whatever it is, or you guys are like literally in the same room, they're just not close to you or they just don't see you as often, OK? So having that space helps them to regain emotional control, which makes them feel like they are themselves again and everything's OK. So on top of that, there's a fear of emotional responsibility. OK, so we talked about fear, dependence and fear of emotional responsibility. I think you already know by now avoidance don't like emotions. It freaks them out. OK, so they start to think these thoughts, OK, if they love me, I have to show up. If I matter to them, I could hurt them. If I stay, I have a role to fulfill. That's a job and I don't want a job. OK, so they don't like that role. They start to like realize, wait, this isn't for me. Like I don't really want this, right? Because they don't want a nine to five job. They don't want to go do all these hours and and just be miserable. OK, and also threatens their freedom. They want to just go and do whatever they want whenever, OK. It also creates pressure to perform emotionally. And so they decide, you know what, I have a decision to make and I choose short term pain, which is ending the relationship over long term pressure, which is staying in the relationship, growing, evolving and talking with you, OK. So again, they don't fear just needing you. It's the fear of being needed by you which also scares them. So it's like the role. All of taking care of you freaks you out, freaks them out, OK, they don't want to hurt you. So if they're not available when they if they're busy like travelling or just not looking at the phone and you're losing your mind because you need them to regulate their your system and they can't be there for you, that hurts them. That makes them feel like they failed. And then if they are like, I'm leaning on you too much and I need you and I've never needed anyone and this is kind of weird and uncomfortable space for me. All of a sudden, it's two things that make them uncomfortable, right? It's just the the idea of dependence is freaking and the idea of emotional responsibility is even scarier. So anyway, these are a couple of reasons why avoidance fear hurting someone that's too kind, too nice. And usually anxiously touched people are too kind, too nice, all those things. But I wouldn't even say too. They're just kind and nice and thoughtful because they're typically a people pleaser to their avoidance partner. So yeah, that's how they're going to come across. Connect with Natalie: Coaching, Books, and Farewell It makes sense. All right, so anyway, that's the end of this episode. You guys, if you'd like to share with me your story, I need some advice. I do one-on-one video coaching calls. Link for that is down below. I also wrote two books, how to get over your avoidant attached X and I also wrote a book how to win back your avoidant X. So both of those books are linked down below on Amazon. OK, that's it for this one. I'll see you in the next episode. Bye.