why am i my own biggest hater?

Bakit napaka hater mo sa sarili mo? Why are you your own biggest critic? Napaka critical mo in the way that you look in your personality in the way that you interact with other people. You're always saying some negative shit about yourself about the output that you make. Your always thinking na hindi ka enough. You're always rejecting yourself before even giving yourself a chance to shoot your shot. Sinasabi mo na sarili mo na, this is gonna flop whatever this guy is not gonna like me back, whatever, why am i gonna text them first in the very first place when nothing gonna happen? Why do you do that to yourself? Why do i do that myself? Actually, because the reason why i made this episode is because of my previous episode. Yung college regrets and academic regrets. Pero teka lang, yung ex ko lang yung hair ko i upload that episode and i really like the things that i said on that episode. Pero. It took me an entire month to put it out because even if it came out, i was already thinking na it was an ugly episode before it even got edited. Kasi nunood film ako nung episode na yun palagi akong nagsa stutter kasi may sipon ako during that time. Hindi ako nag powerpoint or nag notes kaya namemental block din ako all of the time. Immediately after filming, i told myself na sayang naman yung oras ko kasi. I did all that, but the episode was not giving. So during that month nung june kasi june ko yun finilm nung patapos na yung month na yun. Parang na guilty ako kasi. Wala akong episode na ipu put out this month so i told myself na okay i edit ko na lang yung episode na yon and it was actually a decent episode and i actually really like the things that i said in that episode and i really did realize na why am i my biggest hater? Pero wait lang kasi hindi pa ako nakakapag intro. This is canteen ni jc anti na may bagong mike actually i'm so happy with my new microphone guys kasi before pag magfifilm ako kailangan na malapit ako sa ipad ngayon kahit malayo ako. Makukuha pa rin yung audio because of my new microphone. This is j fenty. Ano yung kaibigan nating iringan? And today i'm gonna be talking about. Impostor syndrome why do you fucking hate yourself? Why do i fucking hate myself? Not necessarily hate myself. A why do i said standards for myself that are so high na hindi ko naman kayang abutin and hindi naman talaga siya necessarily needed in this world. Yung impostor syndrome ko. It's also the reason why i haven't been putting out shit on my instagram stories recently. I'm always thinking to myself na. Bakit pa ako mag popost ng mga stories eh wala naman pa kayang mga tao dyan. Parang related lang siya in this perfectionism thing that i always feel where. I can only post something if it's the best peace of content to ever exist and i feel like if indi if like casual posting lang, hindi na siya dapat i post kasi bakit ko pa yan ipo post. Walang pa kayang mga tao dyan tapos i'm always questioning na parang. Deserving ko ba talaga na magkaroon ng decent amount of followers and tiktok are in instagram? Like. For some reason, i'm always downplaying the success that i had, the progress that i'm making right now. And there's just like an overwhelming feeling na i do not deserve any of this and the opportunities that came along with it. I started to shift my perspective. Tapos parang narealize ko na actually. This have ko naman siya. Period si may almost hesitating to say na i deserve it is my impostor syndrome. Let me just say that i actually do feel like i actually do deserve the following that i got and the community that i built with you guys. Kasi if you think about it, i started creating content on twenty twenty. Ay was brave enough to be cringe on twenty twenty. Kung alam niyo lang yung mga videos na pinag upload ko, i was brave enough to be kind of twenty twenty. Put myself out there on tiktok, even if i had zero followers, trust the algorithm. Work hard and content everyday since twenty twenty make art videos all of the time since twenty twenty nag blow up yung video call be consistent with it. I did all of it. I was brave enough to do what i was consistent enough to do it. I was committed enough to do it, so there's a reason why i gained a decent amount of followers. Tapos i also thought about it and yung fact na hindi ako nahihiya to be perceived by other people. Hindi ako naintimidate makipag usap sa camera. These are actually creates na not everyone have. Yung fact na nagsusulat ako ng mga content like a right my own content. In articulate ko yung mga lived experiences ko with myself, with my friends, with my past situation, ships, relationships. Not everyone can articulate it in a way na pwede syang maging content. So i actually do have skills. I actually have the ability to. Create content pero nakakalimutan ko yun kasi i'm always so critical about myself. I'm always constantly pressuring myself to achieve higher heights, be better all of the time and compare myself to other creators who have achieved more than me. And you know, i'm always thinking about that quote na. Maybe the reason why you feel like you haven't achieved anything is because you keep on raising the bar. Me me me talaga yan. I've always thinking about what's the next step so i can be better. I'm always thinking about pano ko pa pwedeng galingan. I'm always raising the bar. Which is why i feel like i haven't achieved anything and it's also one of the reasons why i have such like a high intense impostor syndrome recently. And you know, just in case you're also going to the same thing. Impostor syndrome discrediting yourself, i would say you're mine is lying to you. Yes, you are capable. Yes, to be achieving the things that you wanna achieve. And i hope you're also grateful of the things that you already achieved because you deserve it and you've earned it. And alam mo yung feeling na when your friend achieved something, yung pinakaunang reaction mo is. Congratulations, but i predicted that because i know na you we're good and i know you're capable, have the same beliefs of yourself. You also know that feeling when your friend tells you a plan na actually, alam mo ba mag law school ako? I wanna be a lawyer. Your immediate reaction is oh my god, i know na you're gonna be able to achieve that, you're gonna be so good. Just relax because you have it takes, and when your friend tells you know, alam mo balik nagsa struggle ako sa school. Your immediate reaction is again, you're struggle is of course valid, pero i know you're gonna go past through it because you're capable. Have that same exact believe their self. Kailangan ko itong i apply sa sarili ko actually pero seryoso okay, take the time to celebrate your small wins your small progress because you deserve it. I apologize for the shift of the video and maybe for the energy levels as well kasi. For sharing this part of the episode in another time because that's how i plan to do my podcasts now, instead of like doing it in one setting, na realize ko na name mental block ako every time that we do that. So instead of doing it in one setting, i tried to film it in parts. So. If you're watching this video right now, i changed the visuals entirely and if you're listening right now, maybe there's a shift and the quality or. May withers a tweet with my energy levels. That's because this is another part of the episode, but in this part of the episode. I'm gonna be talking about, of course, as an episode about being self critical, really gonna be about that if i'm not gonna be talking about how i felt so undateable going up and i've always shared. My experiences with feeling undesirable, pero. In this particular episode. Ishe share ko yung experiences ko with being gay because i feel like pagiging self critical. It really? Intensified because of the gay dating scene. So like, for example, my very main and security. Was my gender expression. Na feel ko talaga as a gay man na parang nasa middle ako like i'm not trying. I'm not trying to be like a pick me ha parang nasa middle ako. I feel like i'm not entirely too feminine but i'm also not entirely too masculine pero. Nagli lean pa rin ako towards like the feminine side like bading naman talaga ako. Like you can tell immediately, this is an insecurity for me for the longest time kasi. The way that i would view relationships is parang from a heterosexual perspective, so like parang if i am dating someone na feminine then i should be masculine or if i'm dating na someone masculine then i should be feminine. Pero i'm someone na hindi masyadong feminine or hindi masyadong masculine so parang every time i would date someone i would feel like i'm not enough for them in terms of that. Na realize ko na this is my impostor syndrome speaking because. I'm not viewing myself as an entire human being that because that's how dating should work, di ba? We're not just viewing a particular feature of one person, we're seeing them as a whole, but i wasn't doing that to myself instead. I was focusing on my gender expression and i felt na i was really lacking in this part. Back to what i was saying, for example, like, let's say i would. To have a crush on someone who's maybe on the feminine side. I feel like i wouldn't be enough for that person kasi hindi naman ako like yung traditional masculine gym rat full person. Now lets say if i would have a crush on someone who is masculine, i would also again feel like hindi ako enough for that person because. I'm not like the super feminine. Na person so parang every time na i would have a crush on someone, i would just find ways to be self critical towards myself. I would just find ways na. Ire reject ko yung sarili ko immediately and before even giving myself the chance to shoot my shot. I would already feel bad because in my mind parang my qualifications on my criteria that i do not pass in order for me to be dated when in reality. Like people do not give a fuck as much, or at least in my experiences. I mean, gay rating is such a. Brutal is such a brutal. Thing to participate in pero at least in my experiences, if i wouldn't work it out with somebody, it wasn't really because of my gender expression. It was more because adjusted not click with someone. Parang ganon yung vibes but. For some reason, i was so convinced with myself. No, it was because of my gender expression na hindi ako masyadong feminine. Hindi ako masyadong masculine ganun ganun yada yada. And you know, this made me so insecure because every time i would have a crush on someone, i would just feel so terrible. I would feel like shit. Because every time na i would have a crush, it means na. I would also criticize myself now. Ganito yung parang flow ko before with my mind. When i would have a crush on someone, the first thing that i would feel is i'm not masculine rough. I'm not feminine enough and the next thing is magko connect to siya sa other insecurities ko. So then i would feel like my gosh, i'm not talking enough or i'm not short enough or i'm not like good looking enough to compensate for my gender expression, bla bla bla. And then you know i would feel so insecure and then i would compare myself to the people on social media and like, that's the worst thing that you can do. There is no other thing that could. O worsen it more than social media kasi. Grabe i was just comparing myself left and right. I was seeing the most extreme versions of things. Kasi di ba? Like for example, yung nagva viral on tiktok like the gay couples who like are mask for mask and are very good looking so um like parang i feel so inadequate and then. It's just not productive, and it's just not. How the world works. I would even say there i say. There were so many times before na i would reject myself before i would even like get projected because may mga crush ako before na i i went on dates with like even a couple of times and. That alone should be like, you know, proof na they did not really care about my gender expression, whatever, but. Even if in the middle of dating them, i was always the constantly being myself up because i was just so self critical towards myself. I was always thinking na, i'm not gonna be enough for this guy, i'm not gonna be masculine or feminine enough for this guy. Alam mo yung mga ganun like just being such a bitch towards myself, just being so negative and. If ever na hindi kami magwo workout parang i realize now na it's not because of my gender expression. Usually it's because of schedule conflicts because of hindi lang talaga magka vibes. I would always find a way to blame it on superficial things and. Not on the things that we're actually the reasons, pero if there's one thing that i'm proud of myself, it's the fact na i didn't change myself for someone i did not perform for someone. If i feel like i wasn't masculine enough for someone, i would did not pretend na. I'm masculine. If i felt like i wasn't feminino for someone, i did not pretend na i'm like super feminine. I was just being myself, which is maybe something that i'm proud of. Kasi naniniwala kasi ako na being your most authentic self. Is gonna drive away the people that are not meant for you. If kailangan mo pang mag perform for this person to love you, what happens if you just wanna be yourself? Kasi napagod ka na mag perform. What if hindi ka na nya mamahalin? But if you just be yourself unwanted a little longer and then a person comes gonna love you by the way that you are being yourself, you're not performing, you're not. Pretending na you're someone you're not. It's not gonna be a stiring. Kasi you're not. Pretending yeah ano pa ba? You know, the more lesson of what i'm trying to say here is. It doesn't matter. You shouldn't be worrying about shit like that. Think about something that you're so self critical about. I just want you to realize na if it's not like. To an extent na you're hearing someone it doesn't probably even matter like, maybe if it's, it's in the way that you look your self critical with the way that you look, you're so self critical with your interests because you think na it's corny or something. I trust me promise it does not matter. And if you have to change these things for someone, that's someone maybe is not for you, i guess. There's gonna be someone who's gonna be a perfect match for you without you changing these things, you just have to trust yourself enough. Na, that's gonna happen, and i'm telling you, it's gonna happen. It's gonna come that's gonna come. They're gonna come. That sounded wrong, but, you know, i also just really wanna tell you na. You're someone who is worthy of love, and that's true, and. The internet is gonna. Make you feel na the only way for you to be loved is free to be the most perfect being, but in real life that's not the case. And we often forget that because we consume social media. Twenty four, seven, so i don't want you forgetting that, alright? And you know, besides being self critical with dating and with me, feeling as an imposter as a content creator, i also believe na we have to be very careful with the were so self critical and being our biggest hater in our daily lives, in our little habits andyan yung rason why i never announce my insecurities outloud kasi naniniwala talaga ako na tayo lang din naman yung nakakapansin sa mga insecurities natin pero napapansin niya yung ibang tao. If you keep on bringing it up like sa mga group pictures, hindi mo naman talaga mapapansin if malaki yung paa yung kamay. Yung braso yung mukha ng isang tao pero if they keep on bringing it up, you're gonna be forced to like look at it. And even if you didn't necessarily really think na there's something wrong with it, parang you're gonna scan analyze it and then. You become aware and most of the times you don't even think the same because there is nothing wrong with how they look and that person is just being too self critical with themselves. Hindi mo siya napapansin in the very first place. Kasi hindi ka naman too critical with your friends at sa office of the perspective. I keep on announcing my insecurities. My friends are gonna be forced to analyze me and my insecurities and they're noticing it. Despite in the very first place na hindi nila yun nakikita. And you know, these are the things that affect your self as team. Your confidence the way that you interact with other people and for example, isa din sa mga ways na napaka critical ko sa sarili ko is in the way that i dress, especially here in cebu. I really want to present myself in a way that's polished, that's fashionable, that's stylish, so parang i have, like, very strict standards with the way that address. Dapat perfect talaga. Dapat hindi naka. Gusot, is that the term for tagalog? Basta dapat nakaplantsa yung clothes ko. Dapat naka match siya dapat. It's not ill fitting ganun. And i have a habit of always criticizing my outfits, specially if i'm experimenting like sinisita ko. Even the smallest details tinitingnan ko. If tama ba yung hikaw na sinusuot ko, should i wear silver or gold today? And if mafi feel ko na. Silver yung sinusuot ko. Pero hindi siya super bagay pero hindi din super bagay yung gold. I would go out. In a way na parang self conscious ako even if in the very first place again, there's nothing wrong with the silver earrings. There was just me being self critical and then i'll realize na i never do this to other people. You know, mare realize mo talaga. They're just being so self critical because i can't tell a time na hindi nakaplantsa yung damit ng mga classmates ko or ng other people. I can't tell a time if someone's outfits look bad or hindi bagay or hindi, perfect or whatever. I cannot tell you an example right now, and that's because agad. And we all tend to be social critical with ourselves. I'm just thinking about myself, pero i feel like everyone is thinking about me when in fact that's not the truth. But you know, when you're so self critical that happens. And another example. Of maybe yung self critical with how i address is yung i got so self conscious when i'm wearing clothes that show a little bit of skin because in my mind in my perfect little world kailangan talaga na if nag show ako ng skin like maybe my stomach are i'm really like to thank up so my my. Arms show up. Nasa soft conscious ako so much if kinda bloated ako or if my acne ako dito sa braso ko because i have like body acne and then you know what i would do. I would like criticize myself in the mirror and then there are only two ways na mangyayari. One magpapalit ako ng outfit and second. Lalabas ako with like a very self conscious na attitude. It's just so fucking tiring. It's so tiring when you're living a life like that, you're always critizing yourself and again again. I never do this to my friends. I never do this to the people around. I can't tell if someone bloated or not. I can't tell if someone's. Arms are perfectly smooth or not. I cannot tell, but i can tell for myself like. Also when my friend started experimenting with her style like they're wearing something different, they're wearing their different. I never. Take the time to hyper analyze them and say na actually hindi ito bagay sayo. I never do that. So why am i doing it to myself? I'm so afraid to try a new hairstyle to try new clothes to try like ah, maybe new look or something because i'm always again subjecting myself to these perfect standards na i can't even reach and is not again needed in this world. So moral, moral, moral, moral, moral lesson of the story is. Let's stop being haters towards ourselves. Simple, put. Allow yourself to live a little. Allow yourself to not be perfect all the time. Allow yourself to have moments na. Alam mo yung free ka lang like. This is what i'm trying to a practice recently. Alam mo like pupunta ako sa grocery na oily yung mukha ko na kasi naka sunscreen pag nag sa sunscreen ako, mas dumudoble yung yung oil sa mukha ko. I try to go to the grocery and not where like powder or something. I. Allow myself to know to, you know, have like fashion fuck up moments na ang pangit ng outfit ko. Because ito yung mga thanks na nakakapag palasan ng pagiging self critical mo when you realize na you're not gonna die. If you don't look perfect, if you realize na it's not the end of the world, if you slip up a little bit. It doesn't even really matter in the very first place. This is also applicable to other habits in my life, such as for example ako napaka self critical call when i'm posting an instagram when i'm posting a picture of myself, i got so, you know, anxious. I think it's applicable na you allow yourself to fuck up every once in a while, even in these things. So i tried to like post a picture of myself na hindi ako perfect looking and you know you'll realize na no one is gonna judge you. And if there are people who judge you, they're not the people for you. And that's besides the point that again you realize na hindi ka mamamatay and. You start to realize na mas masarap yung buhay. If hindi ka masyadong update sa sarili mo. Yan lang talaga yung moral, moral, moral, moral, moral lesson. Tapos parang wala siyang point. You know like parang wala syang point like what was the point of me always checking myself on mirror when i was in public kasi i was criticizing the way that i look the way that i dressed like ano yung point doon like wala like there was nothing productive that came out of it. I just felt like shit. I just felt anxious self conscious during that day. So bakit ko po yung gagawin? Wala na no more no more of that basta ayun i like i just want you guys to also do that if you're someone is also like very self critical of yourself mas masarap lang talaga yung buhay if we realize na we're not gonna die, we're gonna live. If we're gonna have moments of fact ups slip ups, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, so i just want you to remind you that i yan lang talaga yung gusto kong point na ipa come across na. It's okay. It's okay basta yun lang talaga yan guys it's okay. Anyway i think dito ko na ita tapos yung episode ko kasi i don't wanna be self critical towards myself anymore. Gusto ko na lang mamuhay ng. Free. And. Graces compassionate towards myself, not too perfect, but still constantly striving for excellence but allowing myself to rest kasi. I'm not so self critical towards myself and more so hindi ko na i burn down yung sarili ko. Yes and i'm also manifesting that for you guys, of course. And you know again. If umabot ka sa part ng episode na to. Your a star and i also just want to remind you again na there's nothing wrong with how you look. You're someone who deserves love. You're doing enough? And if your mind is constantly thinking na, that's not the case. Again, i'm telling you na your mind is lying to you. And you're enough, and your output is enough and its very important na were gracious towards ourselves and we're compassionate towards ourselves, okay? This is candy d j fenty signing off.