1. Who is She - Danielle’s Story

Hello and welcome to Who Is She, a podcast sharing the voice I wish I had in my 20s and navigating how to thrive in your 30s. I'm your host Danielle and I'm so glad you're here. This is a safe space to talk through all the in-between moments, consider different perspectives and ultimately go for the life we want to live. Get comfortable and let's get started. Hi guys, this is my first episode and I'm really excited. I really don't know how this is going to go but there are so many of you that have asked me to make this podcast so that's what we're doing. Just a precursor here, I don't typically love when podcasts host talk about themselves extensively but I think that this is important to do to set the stage for this podcast with some personal details. Otherwise I'm just giving you advice as like a rando with no context or validity. So here we go. What I want to do in this episode for my kickoff episode of Who Is She is tell you who I am and just sort of give you some context as to when I say things or give my opinions where those come from. So what I want to do in this episode is obviously tell you who I am, give me you my backstory. Like summarize version of how I grew up and this and that and then give you like a backstory of my experiences in my 20s and then the track that I'm on, where I'm going, things that I routinely struggle with, the goals that I have and what I hope to accomplish with this podcast. So here we go. Jumping in. Really briefly on childhood, I came out of the womb on fire. Literally I was born with a black tongue because I bit down so hard when I was being pushed out. I like to think that was the first indication of my personality and my grit. I was a difficult child but I was determined to give you an idea of what that like house severe this was. Before me, my mom wanted 12 kids. I'm one of two. I had an elder brother and then after I came out, my parents decided to stop having children. So that should give you an indicator. I had a really great middle class upbringing. My parents were very frugal but at the same time they gave me every opportunity. I was the kid in like 10 extra curriculars but at the same time wearing clothes from my one-seer back to school shopping. And as a small child, I did realize the lack of control I had over my life and I hated it. I remember being in daycare and realizing I had no say in what was going on and doing what I was doing throughout the day and I just could not wait to grow up. Moving on to middle school, I was not the cool kid in middle school by a long shot. This really like middle school. Okay actually I was going to say middle school put me through the ringer but honestly stuff started happening in elementary school. I was never like bullied per se but I had some tough times. So I want to say it was like first grade. The word was excluded like when they would have conversations with my parents about like what's going on with me at daycare. Both my parents worked for background. They would drop me off. In the morning at daycare I'd go to school and then I'd go back to daycare and then I'd get picked up at like I don't know 6 o'clock, maybe 7. So anyway I was in daycare a lot. And there was a couple of older girls who became friends with my friends from kindergarten. And they feel like I'm just like on a therapy couch. And you okay, moving on. They basically like excluded me from everything and I think I was listening to another podcast today and was talking about like childhood wins and traumas and stuff and I always like to think like oh I had a great childhood like nothing's wrong but that could probably be seen as you know some sort of trauma. But basically they would play and do like you know when you're a kid you would make up scenarios where you know you play house or you play with dolls or whatever you play with. I would ask, I remember the feeling of asking if I could play too and they would be playing houses of vivid memory and they would either say no and be mean about it or they would be like well you can be the dog and you just lay there and it was like really sad about it. Anyway so that was my first experience of I guess like not feeling included or not good enough or whatever. And anyway moving on to middle school I was not cool. I want to describe to you the outfit that I would wear that just stood out in my mind. I would wear okay let's start from the bottom. I don't know if anyone remembers the landsend catalogs but I could we went shopping once a year and then that was it and then I got hand me down for my brother but there was a caveat to that I could order anything I wanted from the landsend catalog. I don't know why I have no idea why but for some reason my mom was into that and I don't know. I think she was she loved the idea of like ordering from a catalog which is funny because I love online shopping now. Anyway so we got me these pink sneakers that had almost think like sketch or vibe and then they didn't have laces they had the bungee cords that you like pull up to tighten the shoe but when you pull them up that the bungee is on the top just become really long and just like dangly like big bunny ears. So those are my shoes. I also had a big growth spurt in real school and for some reason these pink yoga pants that I would wear to school are sticking out to me because I had grown so much that they were like four inches too short but they were like not all the way a boot cup but you know I'm saying so they were definitely too short and then I had tie dyed a extra large sweatshirt at Girl Scout Camp in the summer so I paired it with that which went down to like mid-sci and then I had a rolly backpack that was red and I put all my books in it every day. I was the kid that brought every single book for every single class and these textbooks for middle school or no joke they were like really thick and I had like four or five of them and I brought them every day. So that was like my look needless to say all of the kids who wore you know Hollister and Abercrombie wanted nothing to do with me weirdly enough our middle school like core classes there was basically two sets of kids there were kids that were in band and kids that weren't in band and I felt like a lot of the popular kids were actually in band but if you were in their set of core classes because you had to go to band it was very clear like you were not in the group. So anyway I was not cool because of this I kind of had to develop a personality. I had just a couple of friends my friends from elementary school were not in band so I didn't have any classes with them and I made just like two new friends and then this is like six grade and then seventh grade hits and I go through puberty in one month so I enter middle school like maybe five foot to ninety pounds a child like I was a child as I entered six grade I've always been young in the class so six plus four I was ten when I went to middle school. Sorry I think that's right I started kindergarten at four and then the summer between seventh seventh and eighth grade I think I went through puberty so I went from being five foot two to five foot eight six inches and having no boobs tubing a 32 D and I remember it was like the first time that boys looked at me and it was like so weird because I was like don't you remember I was like the weird not ugly girl but I was like the weirdo and it was just very interesting to me how oh how the tables have turned. It wasn't cool still didn't make the cut but I made more friends and I got to for some reason I got to hang out with my old friends from elementary school more so I settled in a little bit. High school was a little easier I did go through a bunch of phases one big thing it did happen in high school was the passing of my mom. She had breast cancer. Really unfortunate. She went into remission. It was like this whole really happy story. And then the cancer had come back and really quickly spread to her brain. This was my senior year. I was 17. I had a really, for the most part, really good high school experience. So I had a pretty good, really great community around me. I was taking care of, but it was a really hard time. I did competitive dance growing up. So I had a bunch of school and dance moms that really rallied around me and my family to take care of us. But that was, I guess you could say, a big hard thing that happened in my life when I was younger. So I was 17 and this happened. So I think I'm missing a bunch of things, but there you go. There's my childhood in a nutshell. Moving forward to experiences I had in my 20s. College was the first time in a really long time I felt like I could rewrite who I was. I had this complex that I was huge, like a big, large person because I'm taller. And I did, like I said, competitive dance and everyone is really skinny and small and short. And I just stood out like a sore throat. I was like always cast. And I sort of like put myself into this box too. I was always cast as the male character in any dance. We were very themed in our dances. But and then because I was put into this box and because it made me feel a certain way, I embodied that sort of character. But anyway, I go to college and I realized that that isn't true. I was able to be who I wanted to be. And I think that happens to a lot of people when they go to college. But it was a really cool thing that I got to experience. But because I still had a little bit of this complex going on, I did the natural thing and signed up for Intermural College Women's Rugby. That was not a good idea. I basically just tried not to die. I lasted one semester. And then I decided to rush a sorority. So I was in a sorority. I made a bunch of really great friends. And friends that I'm still close with today. So it was a really great experience. I can go more into that. I think that's a whole episode, you know, if you're in college right now and you want advice on going Greek or rushing or joining a sorority or whatever it is, I can give you what I know about that. After my first year in college, I got into a relationship that lasted just after I graduated. So just a little bit after that. I learned quite a bit from the relationship. But there are also things that I had to unlearn after this relationship as well, which I'm sure are going to come out in this podcast. I in college held some pretty big positions in my sorority. I served as the VP of Membership. So basically running recruitment and all of those events. And then I was my president or I was the president of my sorority my senior year. And I took a little bit longer in college turns out when you take classes that have nothing to do with your major, it expands the time you have to spend in college. So one semester I decided to take gymnastics. Jazz dance. I was kidding myself and signed up for online Italian, which I never started and failed. Brought my GPA down. And that was all I did for an entire semester. So you know, live in in college. That's what I was doing. And it was at that time that my older brother unexpectedly passed away. He had overdosed on heroin. And at the time my dad and my stepmom were on their honeymoon in Europe. And they had just gotten married. So I had to call my dad and tell him what had happened, which is probably the most responsibility and weight I've ever felt. And probably the hardest thing that I've ever done. But there is always, you know, a bright side. And me and my dad are really, really close. Me and my stepmom are close. I believe that my stepmom was sent to me. By my mom, I call her my bonus mom. And she is a literal angel. She and my dad are so happy, so unbelievably happy that I just know that my dad is taken care of. And so it's all good. Even though some really hard things have happened, I've lost really close people in my life. It's all good. It's all love. And yeah, it's, I have a couple of friends who have similar experiences in terms of like people passing. And everyone deals with it differently. And I want to mention that both of these things, it's been, gosh, how many years has it been? It's been 10 plus years for my mom and maybe five plus years for Chris, my brother. So obviously I've had time to process and heal. But if you're listening to this and you have lost someone, it gets better. And I'm proof. Okay, moving on. I have notes that I'm trying to follow. And I'm just hoping this comes out naturally. And, you know, so sharing these types of experiences and really just opening up and letting you see who I am and what's happened in my life. You're probably listening to this and either commending me for my vulnerability or thinking that I'm oversharing. But two things I want to say about that is that I'm okay to talk about the loss that I've had in my life without completely falling apart. I think there's a whole episode on that dealing with loss. And number two, the reason I share this stuff is because I think it can help someone else. And it explains why I'm such an optimistic person. And that it's really hard to knock me down. So because I've experienced real loss in my life, when the winds blow, I am planted firmly. So moving forward, I'm a Bay Area native. I was born and raised in San Jose from a young age. I knew I wanted to make a good living. So that feeling I had as a kid not having control over my life would never have to be something that I experienced as an adult. I knew after college, I wanted to get into tech sales. I worked retail all through college and had like zero tech experience. So after I graduated, I applied to every entry level tech sales job that I can get my hands on. And I landed one in health care that was actually just like a perfect opportunity of such a blessing. I got promoted within a few months and I stayed there for about four years. And I think there's an episode there too finding a job post college, getting into tech sales. I need to be taking notes here. I'll come back. My college boyfriend broke up with me a few months after graduation. I thought the world was ending. But honestly, honestly, it was the biggest blessing in disguise because it just kick started. My second opportunity to rewrite who I was and change the trajectory of who I was becoming. And at this point, I'm 23. I'm starting to get into weightlifting and fitness. I'm going to the gym every day. I also enter the going out phase of my life where you go out, go dancing, drink way too much. Because I never did that in college, I was very much the relationship girl. I like lived in the sorority house, but I actually never slept there. I went to my boyfriend's house every single night. So there were very few times that I actually partied in college. And this is kind of, I'm going to save it, but this is like leaning into advice I have for myself if I were to go to college again. So I would do things a little bit differently. But anyway, moving on. So I'm going out. I'm 23. I'm starting to go out. You know, I'm single with basically zero prospects on the horizon. I had one sort of situation, but it was more like a really adolescent meeting up. If you're going out slash hooking up kind of vibe and it was very short lived and very minimal. I also really didn't put myself out there or know what I should be doing or what my body language was signaling to men. And on the off chance that I did get approached, I would literally turn everyone down. I think there's also a whole episode there of how to navigate dating in your 20s. Because if I could go back and tell myself some things about this, I'd have quite a bit to say just from like learned experience now being in my being 30. When I was 26, I met someone who I dated for literally a month that I didn't get over for a year. I really don't know why that was so hard for me, but it was. So if that's you, know that you are validated, there's light at the end of the tunnel. I got over it. I'm better now. I think back at myself in those moments and I think, oh, that's funny. Like, I don't feel that way at all. So you're going to make it. I think that's an episode topic there too. I bought my first place when I was 26 and I got a dog, so single dog mom life. At 27, I had a situation ship that would end up turning into like a full blown relationship. I had pretty much always been in love with this person since I had known him for years prior, but I honestly thought he would never go for me. That's another episode, I guess. This went from being a physical thing to spending more time together to basically living together during COVID. And I was very clear that I was ready for the next steps, ie, getting married, et cetera. And he broke up with me, which I didn't have a time realize he was rigging up with me because when I want something, I'm very hard headed and I don't listen. So he broke up with me end of 2020 and I was shattered. I held on so much hope and I created this whole different reality in my head about what was going to happen. And I thought if I prayed over it hard enough and I manifested enough that it would work out and he would come back and say was ready and he made a mistake, spoiler alert, he didn't. And I am so thankful because I don't want someone who doesn't want me another episode. Next year my life, which was aged 28, I not only was getting through heartbreak, but also for the third time, really in my life, redefining who I was and who I wanted to be. I'd centered my identity and happiness around my, this last person I was with and in a blink of an eye, it was gone. And so sort of rebuilding once the house burns down, essentially. One thing and looking back on this, probably the purpose of that relationship, now it was actually a really great relationship and he loved me well. I will say that, which is why I was so shattered when it didn't work out. But another benefit or good thing that came out of that relationship is he brought me to faith, which is someone thing that I heavily leaned on during that time and is still a huge, huge part of my life. I'd watch a sermon that talked about heartbreak being a good time to pour out to others. In other words, I'd start sewing seeds into people, which if you're not familiar with church talk, it's like give to others, invest in people, etc. So that's what I did. I started from the ground up and built a community of friends around me by being a good friend. I started a small life group with other women interested in growing their faith. I started serving at my church in the babies department and on the worship team and I spent time with my family. This was like, this is probably not true, but what it feels like to me is the first time in my life that I had actually been a good friend and what that means. At first, it just feels like pouring out, but it's so rewarding in an unexpected way. I think there's an episode on that. I started dating again late that year and it's nothing really came of that, but I started dating. I guess what did come of that is leaning into what dating actually means as an adult, which I already have on my list of episodes to make is how to date as an adult and what that means and how to do it and how to do it successfully. Because this was a big shift for me. It was all the things. It was learning about my value. It was about how to express what I will and won't accept, how to be treated the way that I know I deserve to be treated, how to radiate certain energies, all of that, how to respect my own time, energy, body, all the things. That was a good thing in my late 20s that happened. Now I sit here and I am 30, 30 years old and I am really happy. I feel like I've built this life where everything is stable. I have good friends. I have family that's close by. I have this amazing little potato baby seal girl, Charlie. This is my dog. I'm just generally happy. But to kind of segue into the track that I'm on, I'm figuring out what I can do to get to the next steps in my life. I've lived my entire life in one city in San Jose, California. Going into 2023, I was adamant that I was going to move to a new state because part of this was kind of like, listen, my husband is not here and I need to find him. If I've lived 30 years in one city and he's not here, then maybe I should do something different. Maybe it's time for an adventure. Maybe it's time to see where else in the world I'd like to live. When I say where else in the world, I mean like what other state? I was considering Colorado, Texas, not Washington, Oregon, or else I had a list. But the point is I really have no idea what my future has. I'm just really in this moment right now present and happy. And that's what I can tell you. Goals, I'd like to invest in a second property and figure out another revenue stream. If not passive income in the next year, I think that's really the way to do it to build generational wealth. Luckily, some things have come up on my foreview page on TikTok about money management, investing and all of that. And that's a topic that I've always wanted to get into, but it feels so scary and so big. And something that I'm going to have to tell myself, it's scary, but I'm going to do it anyway and just learn little by little. But those are the things that I want to do goals that I have. Things that I routinely struggle with are laziness, patience, and restraint. So first for laziness, you know the whole like self-care era that we've entered in the last five years or so that's very much against grind culture and checking in with yourself. And all very good things, I would say. I was born to relax. Like I'm very good at it. I have no problem going and getting a massage and then getting my nails done and then getting my hair done and then doing all the getting a facial. Like I don't feel a shred of guilt for any of that. It's a little bit on the other side where and maybe because I was such a grinder, my entire life of just like overachieving, I don't know, maybe there's something more to that. But I have had no trouble settling into the self-care era. But it feels to me just personally, like I've settled in too much. So for me, I don't even want to look at the screen time on my phone. I know that I will be perfectly happy, binging shows on Netflix or Hulu or whatever or watching a movie marathon. And so it's just something where I've recently, I just came out of my delusion week series on TikTok where I only did what the hottest, most successful version of myself would do. So if you haven't seen that, go check it out. But basically it was cutting out all the extra laziness from my life and only doing hot girl stuff. And it was very beneficial. So as of very recently, I haven't struggled with that because it's been more of a mental flex where the more you do it, the easier those split second decisions happen. So do I want to go in a walk or do I want to sit on the couch and watch the show? Because I did it for a week straight. It got easier to make the less lazy choice. But that is something that comes back around and is worth mentioning. Patience is something, I think probably from my first breath I've struggled with. So when I want something, I know I want it. And I will do everything in my power to have it. Oh, this is a good topic. Patience, but being in the most of the time, I feel like I feel like a lot of times when you're impatient, you step into your masculine energy. And so you're, you're the action oriented person you're trying to get all the tasks done. You're asking all the questions. You're the driving motivator. But it really takes you out of your feminine. So how to deal with that. That's good. I'm going to write that down. Patience. I've always struggled with. It's just the way that I think I was designed. And so God has really been working on that with me. And I've learned a lot. And then restraint is something that I I think goes alongside both laziness and patience is sort of the idea of how much of this thing is too much of a good thing. Like where do I draw the line? Where do I have discipline? I think specific examples would be helpful here, but you get what I'm saying. Having restraint on things. Like, should I eat all of this really terrible for me meal? Should I eat 10 wings or am I going to feel sick? Or it's not always like food motivated, but with people to how much energy am I giving forward? Is that reciprocated? I have an episode subject written down already for that. So those are the things that I struggle with laziness, patience, and restraint. And then lastly, I'm going to close with what I hope to accomplish with this podcast. So what I want, and this is going to be in the intro, is I felt like there was no podcast that I could find. Well, first of all, podcasts are really hard to find. I don't know why, but like I've done Google searches and searches on Spotify and all that to find the type of podcasts that I'm wanting to create here, but I can't find it. And that's to have real specific conversations that I wish I had sooner in my life. From a female's perspective, about all the things, things like interacting with men, unlearning toxicity from past relationships, why you never get hit on, dealing with heartbreak and loss and specific steps to take to move through that. How to properly date like we talked about and get what you deserve, how to make life work for you rather than just going through the motions, how to tap into your femininity and become magnetic. I feel like there's like specialized podcasts on different things that I've mentioned, but I don't know. Maybe I'm just like under a rock and haven't found the one. So if you have a podcast that like falls in this bucket that I'm describing, please DM it to me on Instagram because I get so excited when the like three podcast that I listen to come out with a new episode. Usually it's about once a week that my podcast that I listen to come out with a new episode. And if it's on a topic that I'm not interested in, I'm like, oh, bummer. So if you have something that you think I might like, please send it to me. I'm all yours. If you made it this far, thank you. I love you. I can't wait to get this baby going. I'd love it if you DM me on Instagram, any topics that you'd like to cover. I have all these ideas, but I'm so eager to hear from you too. And I'll talk to you on the next one. Bye. This is the part of the podcast where I ask you to subscribe, leave a five star review and share with your friends. Even if you want to like screenshot this and tag me on Instagram and I'll repost you on my story. I would so appreciate it. Word of mouth from your friends is the most powerful way to share something of value. So if you could do that for me, love you forever. Okay, Love you, bye.