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Speaker 4Hello, and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. This episode, who is really into this? I'm asking that question that I'm sure you have done in exasperation at times where you've questioned, are you in charge or are your children in charge? So, if you are finding parenting a constant battle with your children, if you are struggling to maintain boundaries, reasonable expectations aren't being met, or if your child is shouting and or using their physical self to exert their emotions, then this episode is for you. We've all been there. Haven't we? When we hold our hands up to the sky and say, we give up. Our children won't do what we ask. It almost feels like they're in charge and we're not. It starts with small compromises here and there to keep the peace, and then it feels like a landslide where we are no longer in control. Or maybe it's much bigger than that. The battles have become so big that you fear putting in boundaries because it starts with World War III at home. With huge tantrums, verbal and physical abuse, door slamming, or refusal to comply. However, this who is really in charge shows up in your home, the principles I will share in this episode remain the same. What you may have to do if you're at the extreme end is that you may need to sit in the first step for a while if it's behaviour at home that has become unspeakably challenging. Now, before I start, the following goes without saying, but I want to say them anyway, in case you've forgotten. And it's often when we're focused on strategies or a particular challenge at home, I think sometimes we forget this particular context, which is why I want to talk about it. So it's almost impossible to make these exacting changes around who's in charge without the following also being in place. Or approached from this perspective. So I just want to share three things. The first thing is around a mindset shift if you are not there, and that is focusing and repeating the mantra, good enough parenting, really approaching parenting challenges and the day-to-day moments with this mindset of being a good enough parent. Because there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Stop scrolling socials and getting caught in a narrative that family life is all roses for everyone other than you. The fact that there are so many podcasts on parenting, so many books on the bookshelves on parenting, including, of course, this one, only highlights the fact that everyone is struggling and parenting looks and is. Super, super messy, not just for you, but for everyone else. They might not be talking about it, but it is the case. I can vouch for that just based on the number of emails that I get, the number of families that I work with, the number of parents that approach me when I give school talks or when I'm talking within larger company organizations. So good enough parenting. Repeat after me. Good enough parenting. That's number one. Number two is gather your tribe. You cannot do this alone and maintain your sanity at all times. Find people you can be totally honest with about parenting. Now, they don't have to necessarily be parenting themselves. They don't have to be parenting children of the same age, just people who you can create this tribe, this support. This supportive network, this community, this village that we all need when it comes to raising children. So that's maybe other parents, friends who don't judge, a work colleague, whoever it is, it's really important that we do that. They don't have to be the same gender as us. They don't have to be the same age as us. They don't have to be situationally in the same position as us. They just need to be a collective that we can lean on. When we need to. And no doubt, they will also lean on us. So that's number two. Number three, and this is a really, really important thing, is to recognize it will take time, even when you get major short-term wins. You are going to have a dip. Things will go wrong. It's an inevitable cycle of life. So let's not get too caught up in this idea that, oh, great, I've had a, I've had a, I've had a win and, oh my God, I've nailed this. You haven't because parenting is never nailed. But also, also, if you're not getting any traction, if you're not seeing any wins, know that it takes time and you will. It's about being consistent. Okay. So that's the goes without saying. Now let's dive in. How do we gain back control of our family life? And I use the word control in a very loose form because fundamentally, we're not trying to control our children. We're trying to create boundaries. We're trying to give them the right foundations for adult life. We're trying to teach them principles. We're trying to teach them values, belief systems. So I use the word control loosely, but I'm just using it because in lots of ways, that's what resonates with us is that we've lost total control. Now, the first one is, and this may well be where some of you may have to sit if it has become unspeakable at home, if it has just gone totally out of control and know that you are not alone. The first one is you really ought to focus on what has become out of control for you. Yeah. And that might look different. So we know that the out of control is simply that our children are not necessarily doing what we're asking them to do and things are becoming a major battle. But I want you to think about how have you ended up in this particular position? What might be happening? This isn't a judgment piece. This isn't a finger pointing piece, but it's a simply an understanding because we can't move on to the next steps if we don't have the facts. It's really important that we do that in the same way as a doctor can't treat us medically where medical treatment is required. If they don't understand what the fundamental ailment is where treatment may well then be useful. So it's working. out what that is. Now that could be that resentment has built up and the out of control has come from you feeling resentment at all of the things that you're juggling. Maybe it's managing your emotions. You are where the position that's happened of this lack of control could be around managing of your emotions. Maybe you're shouting more than you'd like. You're angry and it's understanding where does that come from? Remember, it's not finger pointing. It may be that it's around grief and that might be grief for the physical loss of someone, but it could also be grief because you're parenting a child that you have rather than the child you thought you were going to have. And I often hear this particular one particularly resonates with parents that may well be parenting a child with additional learning needs or may well be parenting a child with additional learning needs or may well be parenting a child who is neurodiverse. Maybe they're parenting a child who just simply isn't the alignment to they are. Maybe you're a super sociable parent and had lots of friends and were really into your sports and you're parenting a child who's completely opposite to that with no additional needs. That's just their personality. So it could be that. It could be that things have come out of control because what's happening is that they're parenting a child who's really what's happened is there's been a relaxation of rules, maybe because you've been exhausted, maybe because of situations. Maybe there's been poor communication around consistency with who you're co-parenting with. There's a whole manner of reasons around where and why you are in the situation that you are in. But I think this is a really important piece that we often forget because we launch straight into the, give me the tools, give me the strategies, I want to implement. And sometimes just going straight into implementation can work really effectively. However, if we don't do that reflective piece, if we don't do that audit piece that I often talk about, where we take that step back and we try and look at the landscape and the terrain that is our family, maybe there's a dynamic that's going on with siblings. Maybe there's a dynamic going on with our partner. And all of that feeds into the situation that you're currently in. So it's really trying to give yourself a bit of time and space to reflect on what that might be. And sometimes we can't address that issue immediately. Sometimes that's a long process. And it doesn't mean that we then can't move into the implementation with our children, but it means that we have this sort of concurrent two parallel lines of support and strategies that we need to be putting in place. It's just a really important piece. So I would encourage you to spend some time on that bit. You might not get answers immediately, but just keep plugging away, tweaking away and doing that. So that's the first thing that I want you to do. The next thing is I want you to choose one area, one specific focus of challenging behavior that you have, and really try and it may well actually work out that to get to that one, you write down a whole list of things that are proving issues at the moment that you feel have got out of control that you would like to be different. And then what you'll find is that there'll be some commonalities around some of those things so that you can group them together. But the idea is that by focusing in on one area and one area that you believe is likely, doesn't mean it will, but you believe is likely to have the biggest impact on the whole atmosphere at home, on the impact on the whole family. Whatever that looks like, you want to focus on that one thing. So for example, we might have a whole list of things that we might be able to group into bedtime, because that might be around your child coming off tech devices or coming to the table to eat when you want them to do, going up to bath when you want them to do, to not be in and out of their bedroom, to not be negotiating an extra five minutes. So it may well be that you need to look at it and you think, do you know what? If we could nail bedtime, if bedtime was less out of control, I would feel less exhausted because there would be a clear demarcation at the end of the day where I can then, and my partner and I can decompress. And also maybe that's an area that is proving particularly challenging and you know is impacting how fresh and alert and energised your child or teen might be. So it might be bedtime. It might be around technology. It might be around the way that as a family you communicate. And maybe there's lots of attitude with that communication, lots of inflections, lots of sort of what feels like deliberately trying to be provocative in the comments that are made. So if it helps to start with a long list, write everything down. It's also quite cathartic. There's nothing quite like just brain dumping, because in lots of ways you're emotional. Emotionally dumping all of the things that are just building up that resentment and that anger and that frustration and that lack of control. And then maybe in that state, you might be feeling a little bit agitated. So it's sometimes good to just leave it and then come back to it and say, right, now I've got that list. How might I group some of these together? Because they might fall under a bigger umbrella of communication. They might fall under a big umbrella of becoming exasperated because technology, has taken over your life. And most of the battles you have with your children are around technology or bedtime, whatever that might be.
Speaker 2Sessions average $21 with insurance and some pay as little as $0 depending on their plan. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality licensed therapists across the U.S. offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like, insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.
Speaker 4Inclusive. And then focus on, choose that one to the best of your decision-making process at the time. Remember, there is no right decision. There is simply a decision. And then once you've chosen that one area, you are going to make a commitment. To yourself and to your family to only focus on that one area and not become distracted with other areas, that you're going to focus on that one area for the next 30 days. That doesn't mean that we're not interested in some of the other challenges. It's just, in my experience, what typically happens is when we're trying to deal with everything, home feels just a horrible place to be because you're constantly trying to deal with everything. And you're trying to deal with everything. And you're pulling children up for different things. And actually, it then doesn't feel great for you because you're constantly on this, oh my goodness me, and they're doing this, and they're doing that, and you're pulling them up for it. And so what happens is you miss the small pieces of progress that you make, that your children make, that you could then praise descriptively and then get more traction with. So focusing in on one area. So we've sort of done that reflective audit piece, to work out what the underlying issue, how we've got to where we've got to. We've made a long list and then narrowed it down to one area that we are going to focus on for the next 30 days. Now we need to make a plan. So if we're going to focus in on bedtime, yeah? So what are the challenges around bedtime? Where do the pinch points typically come up? And what are we going to put in place in order to change that? So if it's, it's around transitioning our children away from something that they've been doing before, get broad. around the transition and how we're going to communicate that transition. If it's around children just going up when we ask them to go up the first time, as well as the transition. So write down all of the things that relate to that specific thing, whether it's bedtime, write your list. Whether it's technology, write the list. Whether it's communication, write the list. Whether it's about helping around the house, write a list. Whether it's the way that they communicate with their siblings. Respect. Whatever it might be, you've chosen one thing. We're going to work on that for 30 days. Let's kind of see what the pieces of that jigsaw are. What's working? So let's not forget that. Quite often the focus becomes what's not working. But let's look at what's working and why that might be working, because we might be able to do more of that. In my experience, a lot of what's working is where we've communicated expectations. We've communicated expectations. And we have been super consistent with the application of that boundary. And so our children, it's become a non-negotiable. They know that. That's a really clear expectation. And in lots of ways, we've sort of given them, we've empowered them to take responsibility for it. So if we're seeing some of that in our list around bedtime or technology or communication or siblings, whatever it might be, we can then think, right, if that's working, could we look at the list where there are issues and plan more autonomy in there? Can we plan greater expectations within there? Can we be more non-negotiable about those areas? So we want to have that plan. Now, that plan needs to be flexible, not in terms of being inconsistent, but needs to be flexible on the basis of this is where I am. This is where I'd like to be. How realistic is it? How realistic is it for me to go from A to B in one step? Think of the ladder that I often talk about. If that's a big step, for example, you have children at the moment where bedtime is out of control. You start saying bedtime at seven. You don't actually get them up in bed and lights out until 11. Now, realistically, 11 p.m. is where you are. 8 p.m. is where you want to be. That's a big step. What can I do realistically within the what's not working to get myself closer to B and begin to distance myself from A? And that's where you're going to need to be creative. You need to look at what's working, what isn't working, and which bits can I take big steps and which bits do I need to take small steps? So that's part of that making a plan. The next part of that making the plan is to look at what's not working and what isn't working. And that's where you're going to still, we're on number three here, is enlisting your tribe. Now, your tribe may well be enlisting your partner. So the two of you are completely on board in how you're going to implement this plan. But also your tribe that you enlist may well be the tribe that you agree to call or message or use as a distraction or have conversations with or reach out to when you're feeling vulnerable, weak, not be clear and consistent, that you just need to bounce rage or whatever it might be, someone that you're accountable to. But it's knowing that you cannot do this alone, even with the full support of your partner, that both of you need to enlist a tribe. And part of enlisting that tribe is obviously the people, but part of it is also what the people bring. So it's that ability to go out and do things. To meet up with people, to enlist things and schedule things in your life, which help you decompress. That may well be things that you can do at home, but it may also be things that you need to do out of your home, which help recharge you. Because consistency comes when we feel recharged and equipped. And we're feeling that we have all of the resources and our abilities and capabilities within us. And we're feeling that we have all of the resources and our abilities and capabilities to follow through. So make sure we make that plan, but then enlist the wider tribe that we need in order to implement that. So we've looked and audited and reflected on how we've got to where we've got so that we know if we need to be addressing other things concurrently. We've written our whole long list of lots of things and we've picked one. We've made a plan and we've looked at enlisting our tribe. The fourth and the fifth are really crucial because this is around our interaction with our children. And we've looked at how we can get them to follow through children and teens. So what we're communicating when we communicate the plan to our children and our teens is we're communicating the skills we are focusing in on and improving, which are in our child's best interests, obviously, as well as ours, rather than the bigger picture of you won't possibly cope in the real world if you haven't had enough sleep, you can't function. And it's really important. And we've looked at how we can get them to follow through. And we've looked at Yes, we understand that. We know that that is true. If we want to get our children on board, we need to focus on improving our language around the improvement of skills, which matter to our children, because that's where we get their real buy-in. So it's really doing that rather than this drilling into if you do, you know, if you don't get enough sleep, then it has repercussions for you. We know, obviously, that they fundamentally won't be able to cope with being able to function in the real world if they don't have a good night's sleep and that they tend to be more emotional and they tend to be more short-fused. But communicating it this way and expecting it to be some sort of leverage for our child is just simply not going to work because for them, it doesn't leverage enough. So you might need to sit with this for a little bit and work out, actually, how can I communicate that I'm improving a specific skill that is helpful that my child buys into? So that might be around the time and the decompression time that they get to be on their own without their siblings, for example. It's about you just having that space that you often crave for where you're not battling with your sibling and you can just be in your own space doing your own thing, for example. So it's really looking at how can I communicate the skill that we're improving that I can leverage because it matters to my child. And that may take a bit of time to think about. But if we can, it's worth the investment because fundamentally, your child is much more likely to do in the same way as you. You're much more likely to do something if you can see the benefit of what's in it for me rather than, you know, as a 13-year-old, why should I communicate more kindly to you and not give you attitude and be sass? Well, actually, it's a really important skill. And you've talked often about having challenges with friendships. If we can communicate more effectively in a respectful way, that will also help with friendships. So that's a leverage for them. So that's number four. It's about communicating skills that we're improving on rather than the bigger picture. And then the fifth one is about really focusing the way that we approach communication with our children being on coaching and not lecturing. That's where your tribe is. Yeah, that's what their use is. Well, let's rant. Let's get our frustrations out in the communication with them. But use our skills around coaching. We're not in the lecturing business here. We're in the coaching and problem-solving business when it comes to communicating with our children and taking back control and having a more respectful, coherent, communicative, and compassionate family. So it's around reminding ourselves, I'm a coach, not a lecturer. I'm a problem solver, not a fixer. So really having that. And if it helps, put post-it notes around to remind you that that's the best way to focus in on it. And that doesn't make us permissive doormats as parents. That makes us phenomenal parents because we are A, demonstrating the skills. Remember, children are much more likely to do what they see than what we say. We're demonstrating to them the core skills that will help them in life. And two is we're listening to them. We're demonstrating that we hear them, that we understand where things might be coming from and why certain patterns of behavior may occur. But we're also holding them to account that that isn't the best way. And how can we find different ways, which are also phenomenal skills to help them in life. So I hope that these give you those steps now to begin to feel that actually, do you know what, I'm the parent and I'm feeling like I can take back the boundaries and I can steer my family in that right direction. So the give this week is going to be those five. Please make notes. Please remind yourself, please underline, put mantras in, in the spaces, whatever you need in order to help you make those strategies work as effectively as possible. effectively as they possibly can in your family. Now, as usual, to grab your free resource, you just need to head over to the library, which can be found on drmaryhand.com forward slash library. All you'll need to do is you'll pop your email address and you'll get instant access to all the resources across all my podcast episodes. If you've downloaded resources before, then you'll have access to all of the new ones as they come in. As ever, if you have enjoyed this episode, I would be eternally grateful if you could follow, rate and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time.
Speaker 1More LGBTQ plus individuals are able to donate blood with American Red Cross. Due to FDA guidelines that eliminate eligibility questions based on sexual orientation. To learn more and make your appointment to donate blood, visit redcrossblood.org. That's redcrossblood.org. My name is Shannon Maldonado.
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