Whitmer Thomas is Still Cool

(dramatic music) Wave. - Or if I feel sad or upset, I don't say anything about it. And somebody be like, "Are you okay?" And I'll be like, "What would Jack Nicholson "have to say about that?" (laughing) Even though I'm playing in that moment, I'm like devastated. (upbeat music) - How you doing? - I'm doing okay. - Yeah? - I took a night-wheel and smoked a weed CBD thing to go to sleep last night. And so I do feel kind of like fucked up. - I thought you were gonna say before this, just to level out. Right before I walked in here, I took some night-wheel and smoked a CBD thing. - I used to do it every time I got into an airplane. And then I was like, "Why do I feel depressed and awful all the time?" (laughing) It's just like 18 to 21. - Yeah. I didn't get into weed at all until I was like 27. And then maybe like a year into that, I started trying to do the edible on a plane thing. It happened to maybe three flights. And that first time that I was high away, I didn't like and trapped in the air. I said, "We won't be doing this anymore." - Yeah. - 'Cause you can't do anything. You're just fucking sitting there like tweaking and it's like, "I don't want this." - You're stuck and paranoid. - Yeah. - I was just doing the night-wheel on the plane back then and I didn't smoke weed. I smoked weed the first time when I was maybe 25. And it wasn't smoked yet. It was like tincture, oil, whatever that shit is. Have you ever seen that? - Yeah. - And I was on my birthday and a girl that I had a crush on would like squeeze it onto my tongue and I didn't feel anything after one minute. And I was like, "I don't think it's working." And then she did it again and I was high for three days. (laughing) Three days. - Whatever happened and that's Nancy Pelosi. - Yeah. - That girl. That girl was Nancy Pelosi. - That sex of my life. - Yeah. Only. - That's, that, are you serious? - That's really beautiful. - You and Nancy only doing-- - Yeah, as she said, it's the only way she gets off. (laughing) - I really love that. I really love that. She does the kneel afterwards. - Yeah. - Her little famous kneel. - But she puts on the like-- - The cultural guard that she's not supposed to be wearing. - But it's all different, what people don't know is it's all different kinds of cultural guard that she's not supposed to wear. Like she has a head, Indian head dress. - Yeah. - For the Native American head dress. - Yeah. - She's got all the stuff. Not right here. - She'll do it all. - Yeah. - That's why she's a fucking freak. It's fun. - She's so fun. - God, I love that girl. I haven't hooked up with her in years. (laughing) - Look what? - I know, it sucks. She's just so busy with working everything. - Yeah. - And Pust just says she grew older. People grow apart. - They do grow apart. - Do you know what I mean? Like it just sucks. Like she and I, we used to have so much in common, but then it's like she's in Congress. I'm a comedian. It just said, yeah, sucks. - Yeah, I mean, yeah. Last time I saw, I was at the wax-a-hatchy show, and she likes their old stuff, so she was kind of bummed. She's like a big PSLE, if man. - In the other only put, she was only playing Tiger's Blood and Stuff. - Yeah. - Yeah, I texted Nancy like two weeks ago, 'cause they announced they're not gonna do Baneru next year. And I knew she, I was like, she'll be in the dumps 'cause she fucking loves Baneru. And so I texted her and I was like, "Hey, I heard about Baneru. "I hope your location text back, which is fine." But yeah, it just sucks 'cause we used to go to Baneru like every year. - Man. - And do it. (laughing) - What do you think of that? How I just clunked out on the improv towards the end there. - Go ahead and think of anything. - It was completely beautiful. And what the good thing about that bit is, it was dead seven seconds into it, and we decided to go ahead and keep her running. - That's what it was like whenever I did improv. I tried for like a year, and I would just stand on the back line, and I would look at all the other improvisers, and be like, "They probably got something better than me." And then I'd just keep standing back there. - Y'all got it, y'all got it. - And then I'd see an opening for me to tell a long story and go, "Well, here's where I jump in." (laughing) - I love that. What was I like as an improviser, Jans? - You were very smart and very tactful, but also would like randomly get extremely physical. - Yeah, that's true. - I would start throwing people. - Yeah, well that's 'cause a window at one time. - Yeah, that was mostly when I'm with straight guys doing improv, I know what you guys like. You guys like to be thrown around a little bit. You like it to be like that. And so I would do that. When I was with the girls, of course I would tone it down, but we had an improv team for a while, Chance and I, and two of our buddies from college. And it was their all straight guys and me. So I would just, if I got bored with some dialogue they were doing, I would just initiate a fight team. (laughing) And that was beautiful. And Gabby Boy joined that team eventually. So then Gabby was in there. And then Gabby and I would do like, we would do like grounded emotional scenes together. And then the boys would like, sweep it and be like, (growling) or whatever the fuck. (laughing) And Gabby and I would sit on the side, and say, "God." (laughing) Wish there was more girls and gay guys here. - And then eventually, there was, right? - Then eventually there were more girls and gay guys. Yeah, in improvisation. I just had, we were recorded with Asher Perlman yesterday, and we started talking about improv, and he was like, "Everyone just turned the episode off." And I was like, "Yeah." And I met Asher in Chicago in 2015, and I was doing stand-up, but whatever that old comedy club was, up, up. I think it was what it was called. Above Second City. - Oh, the up, yeah, yeah, yeah, the up. Is it called the Up Room? - The Up Comedy Club. - Yeah. - And then I did the story, the monologue at the input. Asher was so funny. - Asher's a good kid. It's a good kid. Got a bright future, good head on his shoulders. - But people did just turn the podcast off, right? - Yeah, for sure. - They're like, "We don't care." - Up Comedy Club. - Oh my gosh, well, you're in New York right now. How's it been going? - It's good. I always say when I'm here that I don't ever know where I am or how to get anywhere. Where am I? Like in New York, if this was LA, the studio would be like on the corner. I think head gum in LA is like the most convenient, conveniently located podcast. - It's like Sunset and Hyperion. - Yeah, where everybody is. Whereas this is in some weird warehouse, and you take an elevator that doesn't really work. And like, there's boxes everywhere. And it's kind of scary, and I think I shot something here once. - See, we like that. We think that grit is very charming. - It is charming. - We like that. - It's cool, man. - We think it's nice that our guests are scared and confused when they arrive. It throws them off kilter and allows us to get a more honest interview. - Yeah. Yeah, I mean, everything is confusing here. So I just kind of accept the confusion. - Do you have a live in New York? - Not really. A lot of people think I did or think I started here just because all my friends are from here. All the, most of the comics that I started with don't do it anymore in LA. It was like peak 2012 nerd comedy kind of. - Yeah, like the meltdown and shit. - Yeah, meltdown is great, but it was like, yeah, everything looked like every poster looked like Nintendo or, you know, that time period. Like that millennial, like didn't age well. They're like cats with lasers coming out of their house. - Shit, yeah. - And I think all those people killed themselves. (laughing) - Hey, we have to laugh, but it is 100% true. (laughing) The truly, most of being in comedy is just reading memorials. - It truly. - Just getting online and being someone being like, like when we were in the back room of the chuckle fuckers, a hut in Indiana, I knew this guy was gonna be somebody. Never really panned out, but God rest his soul. (laughing) It's like every fucking day you get on Instagram, you're like new memorial, new memorial. - Well, the difference between comics and musicians, I've noticed is musicians complain about wanting to kill themselves all the time. And then comics, well, you'll have like the best night of your life with them and then they'll go home and kill themselves. (laughing) - Musicians are all talk, comics do it. - Yeah. - Comics commit to the bit. - Yeah. - Yeah, it's, God, it's so fucking true. You truly will not know a single thing was wrong. And then it'll just be like, oh yeah, memorial posts. - Yeah. - Call from their mom, fuck. - Damn. - Sorry, it's what it's like. Well, you want me, I can talk seriously about it. It wouldn't change it. It's really so, I mean, yeah, I don't think I'll ever do it, but there was a real window. (laughing) - Oh, absolutely. There's a time when I'd be driving to a show going, now they're sold out show, there's a gun next, man. Put it in my mouth. (laughing) Dreams coming true. - Oh, that tree looks like it could hold a noose. (laughing) It could hold my car at 90 miles an hour in a beautiful way. (laughing) Well, that's not a great thing to hear just because before we started recording, you told me you're going through a middle-of-life crisis. So I'm not worried about my friend wait a little bit. - I am, yeah, I'm just kind of at this period where I'm like playing out every possible scenario. Like where I go, oh man, I should get a Subaru outback. That's reliable. Then I go, well, what if I buy it right now and then one year from now, I see a red convertible where the top comes down and then I'm in a financial crisis because I mean, playing all those stupid little things out. Also, I've become fully embarrassed of being a skateboarder. - Really? - Yeah, I'm completely ashamed of myself. - I can't tell you how cool and hot it is that you're a skateboarder. That's the consensus. I think everyone thinks people who ride skateboards are cool and hot. - Really? - Yeah, 100%. - You may as well get old. - 100, would you see the head shaking back here? Everyone's fucking bricked up thinking about the idea of it. - It's cool and hot. - If you saw me in New York City, skating around from show to spot to spot, Caroline's the seller, you know, how comics do. - The way you're always at Caroline's in the seller. - Yeah. - With a skateboard under my arm. To me, I'm like, that's excruciating. That's embarrassing, but. - Wait, I can't tell you how cool that would be. We would all like that. Okay, I'm and I speak for the general public here. That is very cool. What I worry about you Of course your bones are getting a little brittle your I mean, you got to be real careful on that thing Oh, yeah, but I don't think it's uncool. I think it's deeply cool Maybe I'm just feeling self-conscious because I just did a my new comedy special I talk about skateboarding and somebody in the like I saw a letter box my dad won't stop sin my whole family sends me letterbox reviews and they don't understand that Like how it works and a lot of them are bad reviews. Yeah, or not bad reviews. They'll say something like I didn't really like it, but I think it's cool that he likes his friends or something like that and My dad will send it and be like so nice that they think he like they they think it's great that you like your friends Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're you miss the bad part though. Yeah, you miss the part where they paint my work that I love yeah and one of those reviews says He seems sort of immature and it's weird that he's still skateboarding and that's all I've spoken and that's mostly nice stuff on there But that's all I think about is like Damn, I am getting old you can see it and I skateboard and yeah, my bones hurt and I still I'm like I'm doing this thing now Where I try not to dress like the kids hmm skating yeah because I feel like no, I need to Look a little bit more grown up I can't because all the kids now are wearing like bond Dutch hats and true religion jeans and Ed Hardy shirts Like that's become popular in the skate world And I'm just like I'm not doing that too old for that. Yeah, yeah Well, it's funny the two first things that came up in your mid-life crisis were both just Like modes of transportation You're right. Do I get the Subaru? Do I get the convertible am I allowed to skateboard? There's those seems to be a lot of anxiety about getting around What's that? I think it's also about wanting to be wanted like wanting people to be like oh That's a that's a guy or whatever and as you get older. It's like I don't know man. That's like I don't I don't fucking know. I don't know what I'm saying, but yeah, it's you want to be wanted. Do you feel wanted? Because I perceive you as very wanted you yeah I go when I see when when you pop up in my phone or when you come around I go Everyone's excited to see you people love you people love your work. Think you're a great artist like this is the genuine Perception perception that I hold of you what I think of you I think you're a great artist and somebody that I want around and then also I that's generally all it's ever said about you It's good nice things. Do you feel that it's nice now? I don't feel that Because you're reading the fucking letterbox review I'm not reading I had to say like hey. I don't read reviews. I don't look at this stuff So please stop sending and now they make fun of me and they keep sending them in a go a little bird told me You know like reading the old Whitmer doesn't want to see these well too bad. Yeah, yeah, so I think you know I I'm like I don't know how I'm perceived. This is something I've been talking about in therapy We're my I'll like explain everything. I just said to you in my therapist I'd be like even like people really like you and I go oh, yeah, I guess I wouldn't have even been invited to do that thing if they didn't like like me or whatever, but maybe it's just like feeling like kind of like a You know every time I talk about this I look back on it and I go wait. No, they liked me for sure Like I was such an idiot when I was a kid and couldn't figure out like if a girl liked me And then as a adult I was like man I always had a yeah I've like encountered these women and I'd be like man and and fuck junior. You're at such a crush on you And I just didn't know what to do and she the woman to be like, yeah I remember I would sneak in through your window take my clothes off and get into your bed and you wouldn't touch me Yeah, fuck, okay. Yeah, I guess that would have been a sign in some way. Yeah damn It's funny the thing you were saying about Like your family sending you stuff. I had a I was up late last night really like it was like three in the morning that I was writing this email I've been putting off forever. I have this movie coming out. That's about my dad passing and it's extremely fictionalized There's a lot of things that are not true to what happened or true to my feelings for different reasons Like it just made sense that the second act needed this conflict moment or well, you know, it's fucking filmmaking Yeah, but I've been putting off writing this email to my family just like to all of them to say like Hey, this is gonna come out soon. People are gonna have reviews of it It's they're gonna say things in the reviews that might not feel like what you experienced when dad died Like basically just like level setting and being like I'm used to this because it's my job But you guys are gonna experience a level of this that like you might not be used to and I finally wrote the email last night and sent it and um My aunt my aunt was very very funny and like one of my favorite people in the whole world my aunt Ashley Responded to the email like first thing this morning and was like she said a bunch of sweet stuff and like helped me contextualize it Everybody and then she was like also. I hope it's not a big deal. I sold a bunch of pictures of you to TMZ And I was like it made me feel way better because I was I'm really anxious about I think I didn't maybe do the best job when when I put out My special and I talked a lot about my dad. I don't know that I did the best job of like helping my family process the way that people are gonna Cuz they'll see stuff online and get excited and they'll be like that's Caleb and then they'll read the comments and it'll be like I'm talking about I'll say like oh my dad was a nightmare or something. I'm being half Serious because he was a very complicated person, but also I'm being like Silly and loving in the way that like my dad and I would like ribb each other like he would think that was funny Yeah, and then people were in the comments are being like Like you know god to have a dad like that would be fucking horrible the guy sounds like an abusers like shit like that and then my grandma's reading that shit and being like It just is like really not fair to them because they didn't choose this Life and I did and so anyway. I was the reviews thing is so Interesting because I'm like I wonder how much of that stuff they see when they go the reviews kind of go One way or the other where they'll say like you're exploring your Traumatic relationship with your dad or something or they'll go He's able to make light of the passing of his eccentric father or something and yeah I would prefer they see that kind of thing. I mean, I'm dealing with the same thing like my first special dealt a lot It was all about my mom and and I like really roasted the hell out of my family and And in order for me to kind of like feel Comfortable doing that I like involved them in it and I would like do little interviews with them But even that like it's totally me paying homage to my mom and how Inspiring and beautiful she was but she like was also a total problem and That was like out in Alabama and I had some family thing and this lady came up to me and She's like, hey, do you remember me? We met when you're you know a preteen and I stayed with you and your mom with my daughter who's your age and I think like I watched your special. I thought that it was awful to your mom in that you painted her to be like a real monster And I was like the fuck like nobody has ever said that to me. Yeah, and then she goes I go Well, that's not how I see it and She goes by the way I thought whenever I brought my daughter to stay with us at your house When when you're a kid that you we're gonna you had a crush on her and you might ask her out, but you didn't This is fucking insane and I was like I was in eighth grade. Yeah, I'm gonna talk to him out and she goes Are you gay and I go? I'm coming around on her I was like no and she goes Okay, well then it's weird you didn't ask my I'm just like what do you what is this? It's almost like she was she wanted to be mean to me because I didn't ask her daughter out when I was in eighth grade Yeah, and the first part of it the stuff about the mom I'm like obviously I'm not on her side, but her being like if you didn't ask my daughter out your gay of course I'm coming around I do I'm ending up in a place where I think she might be a legend But that's fucking psychotic. She's insane But I do love like 20 years later being like 30 years later being like not asking my daughter out was pretty gay Back her daughter. I remember her daughter and I thought about her daughter a lot grown up because she had a hole under her pocket in her jeans And I was staring at it all day like I was walking behind her going God what would be like to just like feel what that skin under her Pocket is like like I was truly thinking about it non-stop you had a like in a crush way or like yeah Okay, yeah, you were really into it. I wanted to know I thought it was very brave and sexy of her to have a hole under her But I should I told her that too. I was like listen lady in eighth grade. I wanted to fuck the hell out of your daughter I wanted to stick my dick through that little hole and grind around. I wonder fuck your daughter's jeans Yeah, I was really in her jeans. Yeah, I should have said that looking back that we're at church, but still We couldn't do it at church. Yeah, dude. That is so fucking funny I don't yeah, I don't want to see anything I think god my family doesn't send me anything because I don't want to I don't want to know anything I don't really want to know any opinions of my work unless it's nice because there's nothing I can do now I put it out. I liked it. I clearly believed in it. I worked really hard on it and it's like it that it does me I gave I give I give like three people in my life permission to read the bad stuff and relay in nicer terms anything to me that could be constructive like if there's something to learn about my work that they're like oh like He does this a lot and it doesn't like help the story or whatever if there's something constructive You can take the mean stuff and filter it through the you love me filter and then give me the good notes But other than that, I don't ever want to see something bad about something. I made it doesn't mean no good Yeah, I try to avoid it totally and sometimes I agree with it like like you're saying they'll go like oh he you know the first five minutes was not super strong I'm like yep you're right felt that or it he talks about his childhood too much and it's like I kind of got Nothing else, but yeah, you're right, you know, he talks about his childhood too much the biggest thing that happens to Anybody ever yeah, sorry. Yeah, I don't agree with shit like that. I think that's like it also is like Yeah, a lot of commentary from people who don't make anything. I go. Okay. Well, what would you talk about for an hour when someone pays you to talk? Yeah, you make something you little hoe. I legitimately feel that way. Yeah, I don't think and then there's like professional critics that I'm like Okay, you you kind of nailed that the second act was whatever or this that but the idea of like I shouldn't talk too much about my childhood is like I'm the artist. I talk about whatever I want to talk about and you either watch it or don't yeah turn it off go away It like especially with with my shit. It's like okay. I think if you can power through the first five minutes Which has a four-minute song that isn't funny. I just like music. Yeah, then you're probably might enjoy the rest of it And I think I'm so curious to see like the click off rate like they do on Instagram You can see like when people skip it or whatever. I wish they had that on HBO Maybe they do because I guarantee three minutes in people are just like I fuck this no more song Yeah, yeah get rid of the songs and I'm meant to post something saying like when the songs start you can look at your phone That's your for me songs are just for me go ahead and check Instagram. Yeah email your boss back. Yeah. Oh my god Well, wait earlier we didn't really get to the I did want to ask you about the Midlife crisis thing. What do you think is actually going on? Is there an is there a concern that you have right now about life That's like in the forefront. You're like oh, I'm I must be my time the right way or I'm worried that things are gonna turn out The is there a thing? I think that my life right now is is Better than it's ever been. Yeah, and that I Because of that like it's made me a little bit selfish and like I am like caught up in my own Career and all that shit and I've like Started to realize that there's so many other things that I have like You know mental health wise and All that's health wise in general that I've sort of been neglecting and it's Stressful for me to think like oh, it's time for me to tackle those things, you know and You know like I just I'm 38 both my parents are addicts and I'll Alcoholics mom drink herself today, and I just now started going to Allen on meetings and things like I feel like And and I feel like I'm the on the other side of all this now where I've had some perspective, but The midlife crisis thing I think comes from finally having like a career and in comedy and and a little bit in music and like as a filmmaker and actor and and it's like okay. I got everything I want and There's no I it's like I used to Daydream about the future and now I Think like oh all these some of these dreams have come true and now I'm like stuck thinking about the past and Things I could have changed or maybe taking care of or acted differently about and And yeah, so yeah, I think that's just kind of it and and so I'm like and it's also the thing of like wanting to be seen as Kind of young and cool and kind of knowing like that's over, but also I Don't know if I actually care about that like the other night. I went to Echo Park rising Mm-hmm and saw a friend's band plan. I was like, what am I doing here? I don't want to fucking be doing this Give me an L out of here And even when I was like 25 I lived in a big party mansion with Ten roommates and we'd have these crazy parties and I'd be like. I just want to be in bed watching South Park like I've never had that Instinct and so now I think at like 38 I go oh I didn't do any I didn't even start drinking to us 30 so like I was like I didn't do any of that So maybe I need to do that before it turned 40, but then I'll have two margaritas and I'll be like hungover for three weeks Maybe that's not what I need to be doing Is it the is it that you want to be perceived as somebody who does those things that you want to be like perceived as the like a cool young guy? Who drinks margaritas and isn't hungover for three weeks? Yeah, I think I'm desperate to be perceived as cool, and I'll often dude you are Thank you. I'm just telling you I've got really good news for you. I have bad news and good news The bad news is that is an illness and we're gonna have to fix it and the good news is it's working Okay, people think you're very cool. Thank you Caleb. So that's the that's the silver lining in the whole deal now We do still have to fix it I'm doing the work man. I believe you I think my thoughts are special in my feelings and then I go to like these meetings and I go Oh, these aren't special thoughts at all everybody feels this way and it's it is cathartic, you know, but I I And people think it's so fucking lame like I did this I have a joke about how badly I want to feel cool and and so I'm like I like think a little too much about my clothes or or how far away my pants are from my shoes Which is like a scape skateboarder thought and Then I did like this interview and the LA times and the Headline says like Whitmer Thomas doesn't care about being cool or something like that and then it's the coolest looking photo of me of all time and I'm like It's this doesn't Trials like so lame doesn't track. Yeah, yeah, and it now I understand why like most photos of comics are like Them with like the Mike in their mouth or like yeah going like Or I remember when we were taking the key art for my for my special. They asked me I was like being a team player for most of it Even though I hate that shit. They asked me to wrap myself in the mic and like Yeah, I was like tied up by it and I was like I have drawn a line. We're done. Yeah, the photo shoot is over. Yeah No, I I think it sounds like maybe you've had I Maybe you don't relate to this, but it sounds like maybe the blinders were on for a little bit And there's a bunch of stuff out in the periphery that wasn't able to be dealt with because you were focused on Yeah, like work and life and other big things and now they're off because you've had some comfort exactly It's it's people say money doesn't buy happiness, but I've spent until now trying to figure out how to pay my rent my whole Life, so that's all I've been thinking about is how do I survive for the next month and It's good like to everybody out there who's like an artist who's struggling just know that like that's what you need and that's so good because it keeps you present and then as soon as you can pay rent and it's like you can pay rent for a couple years You are like forced to reckon with your sadness Finally because you can finally think about like your your own Feelings without having to like I don't have time to be depressed I got to figure out how to get $1,200. Yeah, and then suddenly You've got all the time in the world and you're just like, uh oh, like I got all these problems So it does like it provides Comfort but then in that comfort you're like ah shit. I'm all fucked up and I didn't know because I didn't have any money Yeah, I was talking to a friend recently went to dinner and she, you know, very very successful very like has a ton of money Nancy Pelosi. It was Nancy Pelosi. We I was well, I don't want to say what we were doing, but let's just say we weren't face to face No, I was talking to this friend and she was She was on Broadway recently for the first time it was like her lifelong dream and she was like Telling me like oh, I'm a little fucked up right now because Broadway didn't fix everything and I legitimately thought it would And I was like really you really you really like you genuinely like are you saying that because that's a thing to say or are you really telling me You genuinely held a belief that being on Broadway was going to like make you feel like everything was fixed and she was like I really thought that and I was like oh wow I've no I actually didn't hold any of those beliefs and I feel grateful for that because I have had a lot of dreams come true And I feel grateful that I didn't think any of it was going to fix anything with me But that would be really fucked up and I think that is part of sometimes people getting their big dreams is going like Well, fuck what now I think I've got like 60 years left Everything up until now was about this and now this has happened what What what do I do? Yeah, it makes me feel really bad for people whose dream is to be on SNL and then they get it at 28 and then they get fired in a year Yeah, it's like shit Yeah, I mean it is I am thinking like What now and I and I also think I'm like in this this cyclone of of going like how do I make my future? Perfect to where there's never a problem. Yeah, and it's impossible, but that's like a you know That's something and but I'm working on it. I told my therapist the other day ideally. I would never experience pain And she was like right so do we need to and I was like no, I know I'm just saying like ideally. How can we numb you up here? Yeah, yeah, yeah No, that's really real. I mean, it's like the I Don't know it's a kind of interesting like I don't want to say it's an American thing. I guess I don't know if that's true But so many people spend their whole lives sacrificing and sacrificing and sacrificing for the idea that they're gonna turn 65 and retire and then do whatever they want. I think that's so backwards and so scary to me that I'm like, first of all, you might never get to that age. Second of all, you do and you're tired and traveling is really fucking hard and you can't walk. As long, like not like 65, you're able to can't walk, but you have pain in your knees and shit. And I don't know, the idea of building this perfect future that might arrive someday and that all your decisions are playing perfectly into this is like, it's a thing we do and it's also really scary and unrealistic to me. Do you know what I mean? - Yeah, well now, totally. Now I'm in this mode of going like, okay, there's no way to have a perfect future with no hiccups, but I'm trying now to figure out how to confront these things whenever they happen in a way that actually is healthy instead of avoiding conflict or apologizing even though I'm the one who just got hit by a car, which is like a problem. And so that's kinda, that's where I'm at right now. - Yeah. - Hopefully it'll work out and if not, I'm happy to go back to Nancy and see if she'll take me back. - See if she'll have me back. - Baby girl, outside with a big radio outside Congress. - Yeah, playing on the song. - This is my fight song. - Dude, that song bangs. - Fall is the season of doing the most. Coffee runs, weekend plans, travel days, errands and somehow still trying to make it ever on time and with sketchers. Doing all those things has never been easier. We recently talked about sketchers in a not so glowing light on the show. In an episode with a guest who will not be named, I know that's right. And wouldn't you know it? Sketchers heard the call and came knocking on our doorstep. You know what, good for sketchers. Finally, a brand with a sense of humor. You gotta try their hands-free slippens. You just slip in and go, don't I know it. No bending down, no messing with laces. 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At demandscaped.com and use code SoTrue to get 15% off plus free shipping at checkout. That's 15% off plus free shipping with code SoTrue at Manscaped.com. Or if you need it today, it's available now at Best Buy. (upbeat music) Yeah, I think it is all gonna work out, but I also think, you know, like this is, like life isn't some far away future where we have figured everything out. Life is actually like what's happening right now and figuring these things out and having these problems. And like, yeah, like our lives are this. Our lives are like being like, how fuck? I think now I think I gotta work on my insecurities or now I think I gotta work on my relationship. Or there was like a two year period where I finally got health insurance that like every three months I had to go to the dentist. We were on like a plan to fix my teeth because they were so I had cavities and shit that I hadn't dealt with. And so there were like two years where my life was like pretty much about going to the dentist. (laughing) Like it was a fucking nightmare. It hurts so bad. I hated it. It costs a ton of money even with insurance. And I just had to be like, yeah, it's not, life is not about two years from now when the teeth are fixed. Life is about going to the dentist for a while and not fucking sucks in some ways. But in other ways, it's like it just has to be funny 'cause there's nothing else to do. Yeah. Well, that's it. You work so hard, you finally get health insurance and you just, ooh, you get to go to the dentist. Yeah, what a treat. Yeah. Oh God, I don't know. Well, when do you think you're happiest? What are your happiest moments? I think right now looking back my happiest moments are when I'm dead broke. Yeah. And I remember when I was a kid or not a kid, I was pretty much a kid, I was 22, I think. And I got, somehow, was ended up in a room with Norm McDonald. Hmm. I was probably a year into doing stand-up and I was sitting in a chair in someone's office. And it was like a lazy boy and he goes, hey man, he didn't even introduce himself to me or vice versa. And just first thing he said to me, he was like, hey man, you sitting that chair long enough, you'll become one of the funniest people alive. And I was like, what are you talking about? And he says, he was like, that's Chris Farley's chair. And immediately I was like, who? Like trying not to cry, you know? And he and I introduced myself to him and he's like, are you a comic? And I was like, yeah, he's like, how long? A year and he goes, I know it doesn't seem like it, but this is the best time of your whole life. You're wise, because I know you're broke and you don't feel funny, but you'll look back and realize that this is the most important time of your life and just to keep kind of trying. And I do look back and I don't know if it was the best time of my life, but I think the joy that I felt, I wasn't jaded and I was broke and just trying so hard across the board. And now being able, like we were talking about, being able to pay rent and all that shit, it really does help, but I always think back to that conversation and, you know, there's always goals in a career and I'll always, I think everybody will feel like unsuccessful in a lot of ways, but just reminding myself to like try as hard as I can, just 'cause I guess that's what he said. So it's always in my brain and his little voice, but I'd say those are the happiest times for me looking back and just going, oh, I'm dead broke. And but now you gotta make other happy times. Is it possible, do you think that you're not nostalgic for being broke so much as missing being 22? (laughs) - I don't know, man. I think my life started to make sense. The, maybe the most joy and happiness I ever felt was when I was like 30 and, and I kind of figured out who I was a little bit, what kind of comic I wanted to be and had this whole new world of friends and had finally felt like I belonged and some scene. And I've always felt kind of like an outsider and that was the first time I didn't. So maybe that's the happiest time of my life. Maybe it was a year ago, I don't know, you know. I think, I don't know, with perspective looking back, now there's all kinds of the happiest moments of my life, but there's something so innocent about me, 22. I remember when I was, for a new comic, people would talk about just for laughs, new faces. And they, everybody be talking shit about that fucker got in there and stuff, and it's like this prestigious, I don't even know what's still around, where like if you get picks to be one of the five people, like agents start calling and all that stuff. And I would be like, why are these comics so upset and jealous? Everybody's so bitter and mean. I'm never gonna be like that. And then three months later, I'm the most like, cynical, like, trying to think, what's fucking John early doing in there? Like my friend, like my friend who I also think is one of the funniest people on the planet. What's he got that I don't have? People I love would like jump in front of a train for it. I'm suddenly like, this fucker. So yeah, try not to be like that anymore. - That's interesting. - But also like my peers, like I'm so lucky to be a part of this killer scene, you know, like everybody's kind of crushing it. I don't really have any friends or people in my orbit who I think are successful or who are successful who I'm like, they don't deserve that. - Nobody. (laughing) Not one, let's say that maybe there's something in my orbit. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, orbit, but not circle, yeah. - Yeah, I mean, I just try not to think about anybody, like I try not to think about anybody career-wise too much 'cause I'm like, it doesn't. It all has so much to, I don't know, it's all so up to like choice and fate and chance. Like I feel like, I don't know, I don't even know what to think of it. Like I'm like the point of it really, I'm trying to spend as much time getting back at what you're talking about of like when I was, yeah, just starting out and everything felt new and fun and exciting and big and I'm trying to like, like even like I was feeling embarrassed recently actually 'cause I posted, I had a suspicion. Basically I felt that my movie at TIFF, there's only three screenings of it. The theaters, you know, all those seats are smaller than a room I would play in Toronto normally. So I had a suspicion that they would sell out without me trying. I didn't have to post about it or anything, but I wanted to post because I'm excited and I'm proud. And I want to build excitement for in case the movie goes on to go to theaters, right? And in posting about it I was feeling like embarrassed. Almost I was like, what if people in the film industry who know that these always sell out have seen me posting about this and think I'm like, I don't know that and I'm like, and I'm like immature or silly. And I was just like, who fucking cares? Like this is exciting. The fact that any person would ever spend a dime or an hour wanting to see something that you made is like something that I would have killed for when I started and I couldn't get anyone to watch my stuff or pay for a ticket when I started. And so now I'm like, I don't ever want to take that for granted, I want to be excited about that. I want to be like excited and proud and like talk about how proud I am that my screenings sold out because it means that people are going to see my thing and I don't want to feel stupid or immature for doing that because those feelings are things that only come with like time and becoming jaded and being in this for too long. That you get around to other people who are like, oh yeah, it'll sell however many tickets or whatever. And I'm like, well, no, that's actually not like a throw away fact. I don't want to, I have felt that way and I don't want to feel that way. I want to be like every single ticket, every single person who sees your thing matters and is like exciting and something to be proud of. - Yeah, man, and people, what's weird, what's tough is like a lot of those people in that audience, you're their favorite comedian. And it's like, it's a weird thing to like realize, you know? And if your favorite comedian came wherever you're from and did a screening and you didn't know about it 'cause they never said anything about it, it'd be a bummer or people want to celebrate you and get excited by the thing that you made because it's for them. I mean, it's for you too, but you're making this stuff for other people to laugh at or to enjoy and hopefully find some sort of, especially like the subject matter of your movie, some sort of solace or comfort and watching it. And I, you know, it's one thing, if it's like, I don't know, I just think that if you're proud of something, celebrate it. And also when it's something that's a little bit vulnerable, absolutely celebrate it, you're not playing a character, you're not, your comedic persona isn't like a character, you know, where maybe then the mystery is okay because you don't really want to let people in, you know, you don't want people to actually know that you have six kids. - Yeah, that's for musicians. The mysterious persona thing is for musicians. Some of my musician friends that have one, I'm like, God, that's good. - That must be awesome. My job is actually saying everything I've ever thought forever. - Yeah, it's way worse. - It's like, I always wonder that when I release like a new album or something 'cause I'm people know everything about me to where when people listen to a song, they go, "Oh, I already knew about that." That line, "Oh yeah, I'm happy," he said that out loud. I heard him say that on a podcast one time ago. - Yeah, I just, I mostly mean like, I just wanna maintain a new to this, not even maintain, 'cause there have been times where I've lost it. I will say like a year or two ago, I think I was in a way different place with all this where like I was getting a little jaded and I was getting a little like, I wasn't, I don't know that I was ungrateful, but I wasn't practicing enough gratitude. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, ungrateful feels so like actively being like, this is stupid to me, but practicing gratitude is like even a different thing than being grateful. Like, ungrateful and grateful, I feel like put them in like states of being and practicing gratitude is like this thing that you do. And I'm trying really hard to practice gratitude for things that feel like guaranteed now, or like even like, oh, I'm gonna pay my rent next month. That is a guarantee now for at least the next couple months. You know what I mean? But I'm trying to like every time the rent comes to you, be like, oh my God, I paid my rent this month. I'm trying to like, when I go pop in on a show and people know who I am even though I wasn't on the bill, I'm trying to be like, at least stage and be like, holy shit, like people know that I do this. Maintaining that thing from when I was 22 and living it with a bunch of people and starting out, just trying to keep that, 'cause I think losing that is so sad. - Yeah, and also the other thing that I can't stand with some people who are jaded is thinking that they're the funniest person on the bill or that they don't even really have to have fun with it to go and do a spot. And I'm one of these shows like, I think that I'm the kind of the exact same way. I was watching Geese live. And they're these younger guys, you know, and they're performing in front of thousands of people and it's new for them, you know, this kind of success. And I just wanted so badly for Cameron Winter and he's like, cool, you know, very cool to go like, "Well, holy cow, I can't believe you all about tickets "to see me." (laughing) Doesn't really talk in between songs, just like, "What the heck?" (laughing) "Please visit the marked truth." (laughing) I don't ever want to lose that. If I ever play in front of that many people, I don't want that to go away. - Yeah. - And it echoes back to being like 15 years old and my big brother, like coming to see my band or me opening for his band and going like, "Hey pal, really, tell him to go buy your EP "because I think, you know, people should listen to it "and I was too embarrassed even then." I was like, "I gotta be cool, I shouldn't tell people that." And then I, you know, I did and I still tell people to do that. Like go visit the merch booth even though it's like, people are gonna get out of the merch booth. (laughing) - No, but that's nice. I think that is good. What do you think, I've been thinking a little bit lately about what I think my stuff is about? Like I'm like, what? Well, I was thinking about it the other day actually. Did you know, did you ever read or know about Wendell Berry? It seems like somebody you would love. He was a Southern guy, he was a writer, poet, he was an environmentalist and he passed away the other day. It was like 90 something. I was always sad about it 'cause I love him and I love his writing and I love the way he writes about the world and if I had to sum up a bunch of his work, I would say like he wrote once that maybe he wrote this like the '60s or '70s or something. He was like the next great divide will be between people who want to live like machines and people who want to live like creatures. And that's kind of like what a lot of his work is about is the natural world and how far we are from that and what industrialization is doing to our planet. But I was thinking about what his work is about and then I was like what's my work about and I thought about a couple things but what do you think he was about? - I wanna change this but I think like so much of it is about abandonment and like trying to preserve and prepare or I guess prepare myself from being abandoned like every joke is kind of protecting that or trying to get people to like me so they don't leave me or finding new specials all about my friends who have sort of protected me over the years especially in my childhood. And it's something that I'd like to kind of ditch and move on to the next thing and stop making that my entire identity. It's especially with my first comedy special where like it caused a lot of you know a big complex when I would after that came out in 2020 and I didn't get to tour for a couple of years but then when I finally did people come up to me after my show and be like oh you're silly. Like I thought this was gonna be like a one man show like serious and so I had this whole complex like I need to prove to people that I'm not just like a kind of a walking husk of like comedic trauma and then this new one is all about you know how lucky I was to have friends during my childhood and who kind of took care of me but I think a lot of everything I'm kind of going through maybe my midlife crisis is preventing myself from being abandoned or abandoning someone. I'm like oh it's inevitable that will happen. And now I'm like, that's not who I am actually. Like, I've gone this far and that hasn't happened. So, like, I'm kind of trying to move on from that and think about jokes that are present. Like, an actual joke about how I feel right now and not looking back at some sort of thing or thinking about the future in some sort of way and just being like, I like sitting on a bidet 'cause it's fucking me in the ass. (laughing) - That good present stuff. - Yeah. - Where we're at right now. Never knew about that when I was a kid. But now I know the power of the bidet. (laughing) - Yeah, that makes sense to me. I mean, like, narrative building, the way we feed into our own narratives, the way we take on the narratives that people have given to us about who we should be, the way that like a life in like creativity, like inherently lends itself to other people handing you back narratives about yourself. And then if you're lucky at a higher and higher volume, like people are just constantly handing you back the narrative they've built of you and you're supposed to like partially take it in but also partially resist it. Yeah, the narratives that we have about ourselves are so like powerful and pervasive. - Yeah. Ugh, yeah. I'm always kinda trying to think of like a way to stop doing that, you know? And just like, well, why do I feel sad? Or maybe if I did this differently or, you know, kind of creating some sort of narrative. And then also, there's a lot of like psychopaths out there who will like construct a narrative that justifies their bad personality. - Yeah. - And I get worried a lot of times like, oh, I have these problems because this happened to me when I was a kid. Or, you know, the way I talked to you earlier, I did that because when I was a kid, you know, whatever happened. - I gotta tell you, the when I was a kid or my parents XYZ explanation for like very present recent behaviors, I don't know, man, after like, it's one thing to say this informs the way that I see the world. And like, of course, our childhoods are the biggest things that happen to us. But there is a certain point where you have to like, take responsibility and start working. I've had friends in acquaintances that have behaved so badly and just continuously over and over again, be like, wow, I had a really bad childhood. And I go, so did a lot of people. - Yeah. - Grow up, like get over it. Like, I don't know what to tell you, but at a certain point, you can't just walk around being mean and hurtful to people. That's, I think what I'm really trying to say is like, it's one thing when you're looking at the way it affects you and your feelings in your world. We all should be doing that. But when you're like using it as an excuse to treat other people badly after like, I don't know, 23 years old. It's a certain point where it's just like, I don't know, man, you're gonna have to figure that out or get away from me. - Yeah, yeah. - There's two other options. - Yeah. - That's totally right. - Yeah, I think it's not necessarily that I'm mean or anything. I think it's more I'm the opposite where if there is, if somebody's an asshole, I don't say anything. I just kind of like, let it happen or if I feel sad or upset. I don't say anything about it. And then somebody be like, are you okay? And I'll be like, what would Jack Nicholson have to say about that? (laughing) Even though like, I'm in that moment, I'm like devastated. Like something is not okay. - Yeah. - And so I, there is no, and so it's not necessarily affecting like my friendships other than people are like, yeah, he's never serious. (laughing) They won't ever like actually let me know what he thinks is something. And so you're right, there's no excuse for that. And obviously it goes back to my childhood or whatever, but it's like. - Oh, to be clear, I'm not criticizing you. I'm talking about people who are actively malicious to other people. What I want to read of your situation is that you're more critical of Whitmer than you are to anyone else. And that is ultimately, I don't like that for you, but that's not really harm to other people. I want you to, I don't want you to do that for you because you're my buddy. But yeah, I think it's the being mean to other people thing that I'm like, you gotta get over that. - And like, yeah, a lot of those people also will eventually, that I, me and my pals describe those people as like it, or my favorite funny trait with those people is that it takes them three months to realize the same thing, how they affected somebody in the same time it would take a normal person like 14 seconds. (laughing) - You get that text away. - Yeah, you're right. - You'll be like, oh, this guy just said this awful thing or did this awful thing and we'll joke like three months, give him three months. They should've said sorry within five seconds, but give him three months. He'll come back around with a 40 page text message. - That also kind of half like absolves their own. Like yeah, it's, yeah, well, I'm thinking of specific people and feeling really upset towards them. - Should we all say their names, but just believe it, eh? - There are plenty of times we do that on this show that I'll just allow myself, I'll know in the moment that what I'm saying is never going to make it out and I'll just allow myself to go 10 minutes and then afterwards I'll text chance and be like, cut all of that. (laughing) Well, I'm in the moment, I felt like I needed to say it, but you know, the larger conversation needed it. It was taking us to a place we needed to get to, but it can't go out 'cause that was really mean. - Yeah, yeah, we're not gonna say it. We didn't cut anything out. - No, no, we're not gonna cut names today. - No, not today, just, this is raw and uncut. - This is raw uncut, unfiltered wit, unfiltered wit unfiltered. You should, you know what you should do. You and I both, let's do it at the same time, separate specials, we'll call Nina today and we'll say, hey, wait, now we're gonna do two separate specials, same idea, and it's gonna be like, are like, fuck you, comic special. - Dude, I would fucking love that. - We both do one our own versions of it, put them out at the exact same time. - Let's do it. - And there'll be all these articles, like, comedy's changing. (laughing) - You can only, one of those things where you can only watch it for two days and then they take it down 'cause everything is so fucked up that we're saying. (laughing) - And it's like, raw. - 'Cause we're being censored. - Caleb and Whitmer, raw and uncut, slurs welcome. - Yeah. - Slur-heavy comedy, yeah. - We get involved in that scene. - Yeah. - Austin, Texas. We get involved in the Austin, Texas comedy scene. - Yeah, let's go. - I could see us doing well in Austin. - That's the sad truth is I have had friends like our peers who have gone to the mothership and they're like, this fucking awesome. - Yeah, it was great. - No, some of my favorite comics are like, it's the best place on earth. And I'm like, of course it is, it's run by a comic. And almost none of the other places are. - Yeah. - Well, a comic, but yeah. Don't get me started. A guy who at least likes to see himself as a comic and that is important, unfortunately. - Yeah. - Oh man. You know what I would love to do someday? Kevin Morbion, I've talked about opening a venue together in Kansas City. I think it'd be so fucking sick. - That'd be so fun. - Lose money immediately and forever. (laughing) - You just hope he got enough money by then to just lose that money. - Well, that's literally what I'm like. I'm cool with that. I'll lose some. We could even just break even. I'd be fine with that. - Yeah. - I respect it. We make no money off this, but it pays itself. - Well, it would easily be the best venue in Kansas. Some of these venues, I'm like, everything here is great. - Yeah. - And then you go, but why is there an AI painting of Jimmy Hendrix all behind the stage? - Right. Would it have killed you to spend 200 more dollars on the green room furniture? - Right. - So that any of the pieces were citable. - Yeah. - Would, I mean, would it have absolutely killed you? - Yeah, I wanted, there's somebody should start like a venue consulting service where they go through and tell them like, hey, obviously a thousand people standing room only is not the move. Put some benches around the edges at least. - Yeah, that's what I always say. Can we put some chairs on the side? - Right. - I made the mistake of touring for two years to only standing room. And I swear you should have seen the audiences towards the end just dwindling as people would find out that there's not going to be any seats. Like people would be like, are now in comments whenever I am announced to tour are there chairs? - Yeah. - 100% are there chairs. - When Katie and I do our benefit show in Kansas City, there's the balcony with a bunch of seats and then it's all standing on the floor. And every year the balcony sells immediately. And then the floor sells really slowly all the way up to the day where people are like, fuck, I guess, like they don't want to do it. - I guess I'll go fucking stand. I did like a little party here in New York screening and I didn't realize there wasn't going to be chairs. And it was a young, cool person in the front row. Just who is clearly like a person people look to for coolness, just sat down on the floor. And then everybody sat down behind her and I was like, oh, that's all it takes is one influential person to sit on the floor and then you realize like, all right. - You seen that video on the hill at the, they showed this all the time in college on if anyone else experienced this. It's like at a music festival on a hill and no one's dancing. And then like one guy runs and starts dancing. Do you know what I'm talking about? And then the voiceover that they were showing college is always like, right now he looks crazy. Right now he looks insane dancing alone. And then one person joins him and they're like, now he doesn't look so silly, does he? And then a third person joins and they're like, it's officially a movement. And then eventually everyone's dancing and they always show it to be like the first followers, the most important, like whatever, whatever. But that's what it feels like anytime something like that happens in public where everyone just goes, wait, this is all made up, we don't have to do this. We can actually do something else. - Yeah, we can have a little fun here. - Yeah, or we can, yeah, we can, I was in a coffee shop recently where everyone was waiting in a line that clearly wasn't the line. (laughing) I'm saying like, there was like a line that was obviously getting served and then a line that was like off to the side. And I just went up to-- to the front of that and was like, none of us are in line. We should move to the real line. And everyone was like, oh yeah. And then we just like, I was like, what the fuck is, like no one wants to talk. Everyone's scared to say it. Yeah, we're all robots. None of us are getting coffees if we don't move. And let me tell you right now, I would have stood in the wrong line the whole time and not said anything even if I knew there was a right line. I'm always trying to make a friend in public. You know what happened to me last night? I was going, I wanted to tell you about this. Hold on, allow me to walk in. Last night, my friend and I are biking in Manhattan. We're going from dinner to the park. And what passes us is a 300 cyclists biking together. And I was like, should we join them? I want to know where they're going. And my friend was like, yeah. So we joined them and we biked with them. Whole time we're biking with them. We pride bike with them for like 45 minutes. People are like pulling up next to us and being like, you guys new? Hey, what's up? I'm Joe. Literally like so friendly. Everyone was so cool. We learned about at one point this like shirtless guy pulls up next to us and he goes, we're doing a film festival, bicycle film festival. It's all films about bikes, you guys want a flyer? And I was like, yeah. And so, and then we like biked with them all the way to Battery Park. And then this guy like made a little speech that was like, this was awesome. Thank you guys so much for coming out tonight. It's all love, it's all joy, it's all bicycles. And make sure to vote for Trump. Yeah, yeah, yeah, third. We were immediately we're joking. Like what if this turned out to be like a pro is real? And it's just pictures of us being like-- My friend, that's beautiful by the way, love that. Oh, I almost cried three times, I loved it. Sounds like a terrible batch of films by the way. Just about bikes. I cannot imagine the bicycle film festival is going to be awesome. But guess what? I'll probably be there. You should support the scene. I'm going to bike over. And also hand out flyers for your movie while you're there. Yeah, yeah. Hey, we're having a film festival. My dad dying, it's all films about my dad dying. It's one, come out. My friend wrote this song. This is like 18 years ago when he was like 20. And they were like, hey, commercial wants to license it. It's like, what is it? And he goes, I don't know, some sort of walk. And I was like, oh, OK. And then we saw it. And it was a pro-life walk. [INAUDIBLE] And I don't think he even knew what that was. That is so far from-- He's also-- he's a guy who says he's pro-life, Alabama guy. Yeah. And then I go, dude, you're not pro-life. You've been with a few girls who have had abortions. And he goes, well, they can do-- it's their choice. They can do whatever they want. But I'm pro-life. And I'm like, you described pro-choice. We have a phrase for that, actually. You're something else in pro-choice. He's like, it's their body. They should be doing it. The government should not interfere with that. I'm very passionate about that. But if I had a baby, I would never get an abortion. And I'm like, that is a choice. You are pro-choice. And I was thinking the other day about the number of girls that I grew up with that were hardcore badass, like, cool girls, that once every six or seven months, I'll get on Instagram. And another one of them will pop up with a cross necklace. And I go, all right. That's it. There it is. The cross necklace is the official end of like, they've been becoming uncool for many years. And then the cross necklace pops up. And I go, it's now official. We can close the book. We can sign the deal. It's over. Do you believe it? Or do you think they've just-- when I was a kid, my mom would-- I remember she would wake me up on Sunday and be like, we have to go to church. And I'd be like, mom did something bad. [LAUGHTER] What did she do? And do you think it's like that? I think I actually don't have. I would have thought it was so lame. And I would have been so mean and judgmental about it when I was a teenager, or in my early 20s. But now I just look at it and go, yeah, I think they believe it. I think they're making peace with this whole thing the way that we all are. Same way I'm making peace with all this. Their version is like, they're going to start going to church because they have kids, and they want the kids to be around the grandparents, and it makes them feel like the kids are being top values or whatever. So that's their version of making sense of how confusing and hard it is to be alive. But the part that I mourn isn't that they're like going to church and wearing cross necklace. I think that's great. Make sense of this however you have to. I was really fucking hard. The part that I mourn is that I think I was hoping that we would all turn out the same. I was hoping we would all move to big places and travel the world and make art. And I was hoping that we would all be the same forever. And that's not actually possible as a child. That's wow, man, I got that same feeling. And it hits harder every year, even as my friends find success back in Alabama open in a restaurant. I'm still like, I should have moved L.A. with me. You'd be a star right now. It's crazy. And it's sad to see like, oh, they don't go to shows anymore. And then I'm like, but they have these beautiful families and these careers. And they just found something that brings them joy as like a grown up. And I'm still like, but you're miserable, right? And they're like, please. No, I love my sons. Today, one of them scored a home run. And I'm like, you're lying. You hate that little guy. You wish you were having lunch at all time. You sure having a general meeting with someone who doesn't know anything about you. No, I'm dumb. I'm like, whatever. Make peace however you need to make peace. I think it's everything's a compromise. And that you decided this was best case for you. I think I'm living my best case. I wouldn't trade my situation for anyone else's. Like I think a lot, like if you gave me the option to put all my problems in a bucket with everyone else's and grab a handful at random, I would hope to God that I got mine. But I don't know. Everybody do whatever you want to do. I just do feel a sadness that I'm like, I had these dreams as a kid that we were going to like, turn out the same and go the same places. And now at like 3 p.m. on a Tuesday, when I'm like, fuck, I want to ride my bike to the park and see a friend. There is a part of me that's sad that it'll never be those people. It'll never be the people that I am talking about. But it's new people now. It's different people. I get to do that with my buddies now. It's just like, yeah, my version of it is not going to be their version of it. And that does make me a little bit sad. And I think that's OK. I don't think that's mean. Not at all. But the cross necklace is the emblem that I go, OK, we have officially, if there was any hope that I was holding out, that maybe you were going to-- I have a friend from high school who was like huge atheist, hardcore, straight edge, hardcore kid, just totally immersed in the hardcore scene. And now he's Catholic. Christian has two kids. He's just a great guy. But I do find when I'm hanging out with him and his wife whenever I go back home, I can't tell certain stories. And we can't laugh about certain things when she's around. And I do-- that does bump me out a little bit of like, you don't even know this entire life that he had when we were kids and how crazy he was. And that does bump me out. But then I look at him like speaking Spanish to his kids because she's Colombian and then I go, but this is like a beautiful life. This guy's like learned an entire language. And he's also Mexican. But when we were kids, I think he suffered a lot being in Alabama and like cops pulling him over because he had a skateboard, but only really fucking with him, you know? And now he's like embraced his culture. And I'm like, but look at this, man. I can't talk about how we used to catch you jacking off in public all the time, but look at this whole life, man. Damn, cool that you earned Spanish, though. Come on, so do you say congratulations? Come on, so do you say congratulations in every regard to everyone I've ever loved. Still love you, send all my love. Come on, so do you say do your thing, girl. Whatever, like I really don't. It really is not a place of judgment. It's just like we're doing different things and I'm noticing. I'm noticing that things are different. And I don't know how it happened that way. But yeah, it doesn't shock me that someone who's a militant atheist could become a militant Catholic. Being militant about stuff is very easy to flip the coin. It's very easy to flip the coin. Oh, yeah, all the straight-edge kids in the hardcore scene started shooting heroin a year later. Right. You know? Well, because what militant, what militancy does for people is this really strict type of exercising control. That's their cope. That's their way of dealing with being alive. Is they're like, I'm straight-edge. I don't have to do that stuff. And it's like, you're just coping with the same thing that I'm coping with. You're doing it in a different way. And it's very easy to just flip that into, like, oh, yeah, and I'm addicted to heroin. It's just another type of-- it's control. It's lack of control. It's just all coping with being alive as fucking insane. None of us asked for it. It's going bad in terms of humanity and the planet. It's like, no, we're not-- you would think we'd be way better at it by now. The planet's kind of like dying rapidly. And so at some point, you have to make peace with all that. And some people choose straight-edge. And some people choose heroin. Comos C.D. Say, do your thing, girl. Maybe that's the name of your next comedy special. I think the full name of the comedy special is some people choose straight-edge. Some people choose heroin. Colin, komos C.D. I love it. Neena? I'm calling HBO. I'm calling HBO. The reason I think I even have this special is because of the guilt trip to HBO, to Neena and Aaron, who run the specials over there. I wrote them a letter. They came and saw my show. And then I wrote them a letter about, like, listen, the golden one. My first special was great and it was a great opportunity. But now everybody thinks I'm a sad guy. So this next one's really silly and it would really help my confidence if y'all did this and then it worked. So I just wrote a letter to them. - I love that so much. And I love Nina and Aaron and probably Christina sitting and sitting in a room together reading this and being like, I think we got a green light. We got to do it or else he's gonna fucking off and sell it after a great night with friends. (laughing) - Oh shit. - I'm happy for a guilt trip. - Wait, look, we gotta play a game. - Oh yeah. - It's time to play a game. - All right. - Are you ready for this? Do you know what this is? - Well they said there's two questions. - Oh brother, this is true or false. I'm gonna read you 15 statements. - Okay. - You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. And if you get 10 or more correct, we're gonna give you 50 US dollars. - Sick, I'm gonna take that to Resorts World Casino tomorrow before I go to JFK. - That's exactly right. You ready? Okay, Monsters Ink came out in 2004. - False. - False 2001. The US is one over 1,000 gold medals at the Summer Olympics. - False? - True. The chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide is H202. - False? - True. The longest playable trumpet ever made was one, the longest playable trumpet ever made was 105 feet long. - True, true. Gulf Shore's Alabama's town motto is "Better by the Beach." - No, false. - False, it's small town, big beach. - Stupid. 'Cause you know I'm the smallest beach ever. It's a sliver, it's a beautiful beach. Sliver of the beach because they built condos directly on the beach, which shorten our beaches and took down all the dunes and seagrass. So now in hurricanes blow through, it's just like, bye bye, Gulf Shore's for another, you know, but anyway, terrible. - We shall go out with hamburgers over there. - Yeah, we do. - Cucumbers are 95% water. - True? - True. Trader Joe's operates two stores in the US Virgin Islands. - False. - False, none. The Brooklyn Bridge is longer than the Manhattan Bridge. - Fucking. - True? - False. Paul Wallis from Houston, Texas. False. - True. Cheeseburger Randy's serves milkshakes in the summer. - Oh my God. My guy, Alex Warner, everybody shout out Alex Warner, I don't fucking know. - True. - False. The capital of Brazil is Rio de Janeiro. - True. - It's the big false. - False, it's Brazillia. - Thanks for giving that to me. - The Saturn is the sixth planet from the Sun. - I don't know. - What do you think you're talking to here, man? - True. - It's true. - Force equals mass times acceleration. - True. - True. - The cube root of 216, Jesus, chance. - The cube root of 216 is six. - False. - I don't even know what cube root means, it's true. Blink 182 formed in San Diego, California. - Yeah, true. - False, Poe, California. - Oh, but that's just right outside of San Diego, man. It's the desert, Poe, California. - Poe. - That's just, okay. - Give it to him and how do you do? - If we're giving him that one nine. - Whoa. - That's bad. - No, it's close. I need it was 10. - You almost got there, bro. - Well I think the San Diego one is, we gave it to you. - Okay, thank you. - We gave it to you, that got you to nine. - Thank you. - You gotta pay for that. - Have you been to golf shores? - I've not been. - How do you know about Lambert? - Brother. - They got one where you're from? - Lambert, oh, Whitmer. But when I tell you, when I was at my fattest behavior, I mean when I was at my fattest both in terms of literally being fat and fattest in terms of behavior, like depression, chance and I and our friends, we're going to, there's one, about 25 minutes south of where we went to college in like near Branson, and we would go to Lambert's and fuck it up. We'd take 20 people in there. A lot of people don't know, if you ask for a second play, they'll bring it to you. - They don't get a shit. - They will bring you, you go to Lambert's. I don't know if they still do this and I want to blow their spot up. You go to Lambert's and you go, I'm still hungry. They'll go, I will bring you another one. - Yeah. - No charge. - I might, here's a roll. - They throw a roll at you. They fucking slap black beans on the table. They give you fucking okra. I would have, my favorite order at Lambert's is the fried hog jowl. I would eat a whole plate of it and then I'd be like, bring her again, baby. And they bring me a 64 ounce mug of Coca-Cola. Like crazy fucking behavior. - It's so good. - And I loved it. I would, any time I could get someone to go down there with me, I'd eat there. - I went, not long ago, almost kind of as a joke 'cause I used to go there all the time as a kid. This place is trash. I've been living in L.A. now eating in all these great restaurants. And it was just one of the best meals of my life. (laughing) It over-delivered. And the vibes are sick and just I bought merch and all that shit. - I need some Lambert's merch. I fucking love Lambert's. I wanna go again soon. - Is there like a line? - Oh yeah. - Okay, 'cause well Branson is kind of a tourist town. - Good time. - When I was a kid, the girl who used to sneak into my bed naked at night, beautiful dancer. She got, she quit high school because she got a job dancing at a magic show in Branson. And I remember thinking, he's gonna be a star. (laughing) I'm so jealous. Why didn't they ask me to come out there? - Yeah. - And in my mind, I would be like, if I could just get to Branson. (laughing) - I could just get to Branson. - You could just catch that Branson, I'd be the guy. - Yeah, I'd be the big guy there. It was like some guy named something rocket his magic show. - I could just be a bald number. Whatever the fuck the big show was in Branson. - Wait, thanks so much for doing it. - Thank you. - We got it. Do you want to tell people where they can find you and you're about your new special? - Yeah, you can just look up Whitmer Thomas and all the things and follow them and like them. Yeah, go to the letterbox and put some good review. Like, if you don't have anything nice to say, just don't say anything, but maybe make some good reviews and mention my family. And I just want to see, say like, I hope Whitmer's family is reading this. - I'm begging you guys, please don't ever write something about me on letterbox positive or otherwise. But go on letterbox right now and review with latest special and write glowingly about his family as many of you as possible. Please do this and let's just see what happens. - Yeah, and watch it on HBO. Terminal crew, dudes. - Yeah, hell yeah. - Yeah. - Thanks, dude. - Thank you, dude.