where is life taking me? idk.

(water running) Hello everyone, welcome back to another episode. I missed you all, I hope everyone has been doing well. I am currently just spread out on my bed, relaxed, chilled, ready to record a new episode, life update. I finished up my full time internship just a couple weeks ago, and I've just been straight chilling this summer, okay? Like I haven't really been busy, I mean, I've been busy socially, but in terms of like real productive work, there hasn't been too much of that, which I personally don't really mind, because I know that once school starts again, it's gonna be like crazy and hectic, so I'm really trying to hold on to these last seconds of just turning my head off and my brain off and not doing much of anything. It is a little bit exhausting to be honest, to kind of like force myself to not really do too much, but at the same time, I feel like I've put myself in this routine where I'm kind of settling into not really stressing over it to be honest. But I felt like I've always just been like the type of person to be chronically online, whether it be recording all of my social outings, for vlog content, or just making sure I get like cute photos, because in my head, everything is content worthy, and if you're someone that has been a part of like social media or if you work in like the digital space, you know what I'm talking about. Like your brain is just never fully off when it comes to like figuring out, you know, is this postworthy, isn't it not? Like, should I post this? But I've noticed that since social outings have become more rare, and just ever since this pandemic has started really, I'm just trying harder to cherish every moment, and at these days, I really don't even feel the need to take out my phone when I'm with friends, which is a really, really good thing for me, and it's definitely something new, but it has not been the best for my online presence. I'm not gonna lie. I'm trying to get back into it, so do not worry, I'm still here. I just took a little break, working every day was a little bit draining on me creatively, and I find that for me, I need lots of downtime in order to brainstorm, and it's not something that I can constantly do 24/7, even if I wanted to. If I'm too tired or just not in the mood, like nothing will really come out of it, and it was especially difficult because for my internship, I was basically doing that, like creating content brainstorming, so it was hard to do that, like, times two for work, and for my own personal stuff, but now that everything has settled down, I feel more myself, more inspired, and it's good. It's really nice to be back. Before this episode, since it's back to school season, I kind of wanted to just dedicate this episode and offer up a gentle reminder for all those people that are just kind of worried about the direction of their lives, and I just kind of wanted to let you know that it's totally normal, and in fact, it's pretty much healthy to be anxious about it, I think, because that means that you essentially care about what you want to make out of your life, and even if you aren't super worried, then that's okay too, because this is your life, and there's no right or wrong way to live it, no matter what anyone says. With school starting soon, I know that anxiety and pressure of academics, internships, and just comparison to everyone around you, it just comes back in like full force after just being on break for a little bit, and this can also serve as a reminder to people that may not even be in school anymore, can really apply to anyone, you know? I was kind of like in that place before, where I would constantly worry about, you know, if I do this and that, will it lead me exactly to the place that I want, because I had so clearly kind of like carved out where I wanted to go, like to a tee. I'm telling you, I had the notion spreadsheet with templates, a five step plan, I would watch all these like videos, and almost trying to like mimic this plan for success, and where my life should be, and I just kept on like comparing myself to everybody, when in reality I was kind of setting all sorts of like high expectations for myself, which meant that the pressure of failure kind of affected me a lot harder, you know? And when I didn't achieve the things that I wanted, I would get extremely frustrated with myself to the point where I would really just sit there and like cry, and write on my journal, which was really refreshing and healing in a sense, my favorite thing to do was just look back on old journal entries from when I'm like super fucking sad, and I'll just be like, well, I was really going through it. Thank God I can't really relate to that. Like thank God I can't really relate to those feelings anymore. Thank God it's over. It's just, you know, this is something that you need to understand about me. I get anxious about a lot of things, right? So I need to plan because in my head, if I'm planning that essentially what that does is, it will eliminate all this uncertainty and mysteriousness of my future, which should take away some of my anxiety, right? Well, the one thing that I've realized is that, if I take away one thing to be anxious about, I'll just find something new to worry about, you know? It's never like a win-win situation for me, unfortunately. It's just a part of who I am. I will always have something to worry about, always something to overthink about, always something to be anxious about. There is no shortage of those issues. Unfortunately, and I used to always think of it as like a bad thing, but over time, I just kind of realized I should embrace it because if I wasn't an anxious person, I wouldn't do the things that I do and the way that I do, which in return has actually kind of like rewarded me with positive outcomes sometimes. But, you know, it's only okay if it doesn't inhibit you from doing things that you really want to do. Like, I'm not trying to shine anxiety in a positive light because obviously there's just been way too many moments where I'm just like, damn, if I was in this type of anxious person, I could have done this and that, but this shit is really holding me hostage like that. There's something that I've realized from the very few years that I've been on this earth, take this with the grain of salt because I know that someone that is way older than me with way more life experience may not agree, but, you know, I'm just sharing my own story, my own personal experience, and this is how I will frame my advice, agree or don't agree, but listen to it, if you will. I've noticed that it's good to just kind of have small goals. Goals that will take you to kind of like a certain place and you may not exactly know where it is, but it's still in that realm of where you want to go, but it's not super specific. I've noticed that in times where I've had really, really like specific goals, like for example, you know me wanting a certain job title, I've always been let down, but now that I'm being more vague yet still somewhat intentional about where I'm going, I'm a lot happier in the end, and I'm still very much satisfied with where I'm at. Sometimes I think it's really funny because I'll look back at like a year or two ago when my friends and I were all just like super fucking stressed about jobs in our future where we're gonna go after we graduate, what we wanna do with our lives, and now most of them are like in the places that they wanna be. And you know, obviously it wasn't without those moments of tears and moments of feeling like they were absolute shit. I think it's just a part of the journey and you almost kind of have to like embrace it sometimes. One thing that I've noticed from my time interning full time, and my co-op that I just finished, was that no one really knows where they're going or how they're navigating through life. It's kind of just something that you take one day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time, one year at a time. And I think I was really lucky to be able to have a whole bunch of one-on-ones with the people at my company and they were all just so sweet and so open and so honest, giving me the greatest advice about life in general. And I was just, you know, kind of like annoying because one of my favorite things to do is just to ask anyone in general, you know, how did you end up in the place that you are today? Like, what is your career journey to me? That is just so fascinating. Everyone's story is so different. And there's just like, that was just something else that I realized there's no blueprint to doing anything, no matter how many tutorial videos you may see. Like, you know, obviously it's a good idea to watch like some videos to get a semblance and some sort of idea of how to get there but don't think that because you do, you know, steps one and two that it will guarantee you like step three 'cause it's never like that. I think personally for me, it's always just been a matter of how dedicated you are to your vision and craft that will get you to where you wanna go. Now, you know, I'm just one person that's telling one story and this has been how my life has been going so far. If you don't agree with this and that's totally okay. I'm constantly growing every day. Sometimes ideas and values I've had from a couple months ago change. And obviously that's natural. And it's okay because life would be so boring if I were to remain the exact same person that I was. From even a year ago and I feel like that's what your 20s is all about. You grow every single year, every month. I really do not recognize the person that I was even just a couple months ago. It's actually insane. Just don't be afraid of change either. Now I'm saying this when I'm like the type of person that's like fucking terrified of change. So I think it's really interesting that I say that. But I think it's really interesting because time and time again, studies have shown that we as humans are very adaptable beings. And I agree with that 100% because I've caught myself doing things this summer that I never would have imagined doing even just like a year ago. So it's pretty interesting to me. But on another topic to be completely transparent. I don't even know how I'm going to cope with the upcoming like online semester. So for those of you that are new to the podcast, I'm heading into my final year at the University of Waterloo for Global Business and Digital Arts. I kind of messed up my schedule this year. So I'm taking like three electives, which will be the death of me because on top of three electives, I'm taking like two required courses. And everything's interesting. But at the same time, it's like all this unnecessary work. And it's just going from like zero to 100 after not doing anything for so long. But I am excited to use my brain again because I feel like I've just had it working on autopilot mode this entire summer. And it will be nice for my brain cells to stop dying and to start learning new things again. Hopefully my brain will expand because I feel like it's just been drying up. At the same time, I've just been feeling like very disconnected with like school and just education in general, almost to the point where I feel like it's not real just because it's been remote for so long. Now don't get me wrong though. I would still prefer remote over in person learning like any day of the week. I don't know if anyone else has been feeling it though. It's probably like a mixture of being inside all day and just going through that very monotonous routine. But either way, I am excited for fall to start. And that just never happens. I think it's just because last autumn, I was having the time of my life. It was like I was discovering everything that fall had to offer for the first time because I think before I was just never into the whole like hot chocolate lighting up candles, reading books and doing all that. But I really, really embraced it last year. So I'm hoping that this upcoming autumn will be just as amazing if not better. You know, it was just like the first time I started religiously using candles lighting them up like every single night listening to library on the onstrax. I really want to make a playlist for all the videos. I just watch all the time. If you guys are interested in that, let me know. I've read Harry Potter for the first time, which was absolutely life changing. And that was kind of what just jump started my love for books again. And it just transported me to like a very magical and safe space inside my head after a very like rough ass year. It was nice that fall was kind of like a nice warm hug for me. So just good memories all around, which is why I'm not super sad this year for summer to come to an end. I'll be indoors most of the time anyways. So it's okay. But yeah, so this episode is a little bit on the shorter side. I hope it's okay. But once again, just a gentle reminder, everything will be okay. Everything will work out in the end. And it's totally, totally okay to not know everything. And in fact, sometimes it's better that you don't. I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. As always, feel free to follow me on IG. I'm starting to post more reels on there. I hope you guys continue to have the best morning, night or evening. And I will talk to you all very soon. Bye.