When Your Parents Start Getting Older

This audio is brought to you by Muslim Central similar Hamdulillah O Salat was Salaam wala Rasulullah wala alihi was sabihi woman wala ahmabad. As you're all aware, this is a special session in which I wanted to share some thoughts and reflections about a topic that is almost taboo. Nobody talks about it, nobody prepares us for it. And in fact, frankly, it's a topic that we don't like to talk about because it just brings about a sense of sadness or, or gloom. And almost all of us have to face this topic. And I myself have just gone through it and, and I thought myself to be well read. I thought myself to be self educated and attending many lectures and reading many books, and I found myself woefully, dismally ignorant about a topic that is so pertinent and relevant to almost all of us. And years ago, while I'm in the thick of it, I decided that it is important that somebody give a introductory talk. Nobody can give a comprehensive talk, an introductory talk for our Muslims in the Western world to prepare them for the inevitable reality. And of course, I refer here to the reversal of roles when the child takes on the role of the parent, when the parent becomes almost like a child in terms of the care and in terms of the decision making. And this topic is one that perhaps for some of you, for some of you might be a little bit premature, but I know for a fact some of you have already lost your parents. And statistically speaking, statistically speaking, the majority of you will be attending the Janazah of 1 and then both of your parents. We actually, no matter how harsh it is to say, we hope that because the opposite is much more painful when the parent has to attend the Janazah of the child. And we have people that use to attend this class whose parents pray Janazah for them, and that is even more painful. So this topic, no matter how difficult it is, it is an inevitable part of our life cycle. And because I have just gone through it, as you're aware, my father passed away one week ago. So because I've just gone through it, I wanted to share with you some of my own reflections. Even if it's premature, it is better that you know it now rather than you not know it ever. And take notes. And the audio video will be inshallah available as well. And I hope this is a a a small precursor to your own spiritual and intellectual and emotional journey. And let us begin by quoting the relevant verses in the Quran. One of the amazing aspects of our creation, an aspect that we rarely think about, is that Allah intentionally willed for us to have this very interesting life cycle. In fact, all of the animal Kingdom has a similar life cycle. Allah says in the Quran, Allahu lady hara hakum min lafin. Allah created you and you were in weakness. You were weak, you were babies, you were toddlers, you couldn't even feed yourselves. You had to rely on other people for your existence. You couldn't live without other people around you. No baby can survive on its own. This is the default in our species. In the animal Kingdom, some of species are similar but other species are independent but still weak from the time of birth. Allah says Allah is the one who created you from weakness, then after weakness Allah gave you kuwa, Allah gave you strength. Then what thumb after this jalam, embadi, kuwatin, laugh and washeba. After you reach the prime, after you reach your your physical strength, your pinnacle. Allah says then after that you become laugh and sheba. More than just a baby. The baby was just laugh, laugh and sheba. Weak and feeble right? The baby is has a different type of strength even though it's it's weak, but it's not feeble. If you get my point right. The baby's strength is commensurate to its body. It's not weak for its body size. But Allah says when you become older there is a weakness and shaiba, an infirmity that comes with old age. Then Allah says Yahulukoma Yasha, Allah creates as He wills because if Allah had willed, our creation would be different. If Allah had willed, we would just go from weakness to strength to more strength and we would just get stronger and stronger until whenever our time is to go, we would be at our peak strength. Allah could have willed that but for a wisdom known to Him and frankly wisdoms we can even derive and glean for a wisdom known to Him. He wanted us to be in this life cycle, the life cycle of the pinnacle that you go stronger and stronger, you reach your zenith and then the decline begins and the decline gets worse and worse and worse. This is the reality of all of humanity. This is Surah room verse 54, so that the Nahel verse 70, allahu halaqaqum thumayata wafaqum. Allah created you and then He is the one that is going to take you back. Allah's the one who brought you. Allah's the one that will take you back. Wamin kum manuradu ila out of the Lil omori. Some of you will be living a very long life. You will reach the most feeble stages of your existence out of the Lil omor, which is the end of your omor. Not everybody reaches that level, Swamincom. Some of you will go to the feeblest ages of your existence and what's going to happen, like Kayla Yama Minbader El Min Shaya. After you knew so much, you will not know anything. After you knew so much, when you get to that level, you will not know anything. Indeed, Allah is adimun qadir. This is surata Nahel verse 70. And this is another reality that those who live long lives after the age of 80, almost inevitably, almost invariably, and sometimes before 80, these are all you know, these are all generic statistics. There's always exceptions. There are people that start their dementia in their 60s. There are people that start Alzheimer's in their 50s. Everybody's right. But as a general rule, those who live to late ages, those who live to 80s and 90s, they are not cognizant their faculties of thought of, of, of contemplation of their memories. They become absolutely feeble until Allah says after you knew so much, you know absolutely nothing. This is again the Quran is saying I created you in this fashion. And in Surah Yasin verse 68, Surah Yasin verse 68, woman nuram mirhu nuna kisufel Hulk. What a powerful verse. Those whom we give long life to, we cause them to revert to how they used to be. Those who live longer go back to the beginning. What a beautiful, powerful verse woman. No, I'm Miru. Nuna Kisu. Phil Hulk. If we're going to give you a long life, it's going to come at a cost. And that cost will be what Nuna Kisu, You're going to go back to how you used to be. As used to be fed, people will have to feed you. As used to be taken care of, people have to take care of you. As you did not know, so too you will not know. And this is the reality of life for all of us. And one point I want to state here is that one of the beauties of Islam, there's so many beauties panel. There's so many powerful things that we're going to benefit from inshallah today as well. One of the most powerful aspects of our faith is that Subhanallah, no matter when and how somebody passes away, somebody dies. There are aspects that will bring us comfort and consolation. Sudden deaths have their benefits. Long protracted, drawn out deaths have their benefits. Deaths at their prime have their benefits. Death at old age has its benefits. So however somebody dies, we accept Allah's Qadar and we recognize that their time was written and Allah chose the time that is best for them. What comfort, what consolation? You could not have done anything to change their time. You could not have done anything. Allah had will. That is their time. So nothing you could have done could have changed that. It was their Qadar and Allah knew what was best for them. A sudden death at the prime of their youth, of their vitality, that is a blessing from Allah. A cancer that they're battling for 10 years, that is a blessing from Allah. Death at 20 is a blessing. Death at 90 is a blessing. This is the beauty of our faith. However, whenever, what whatever Allah chooses for your departure from this world, we read in positive signs, a sudden death. The profitsystem told us a sudden death is a type of mercy in so many ways. Because if it's a protracted death, it's also a sign of mercy, but it's a different type of mercy because that is painful for the one dying. He knows he's dying. He's been told you're about to die. And then the family has to, you know, get involved. And it's a painful issue for. But even that there is benefit because in that is a kafara of their sins, a raising of their ranks. There's opportunity for Toba, there's opportunity for service. So however Allah chooses for the disease to leave this world, you accept that and know that Allah chose their best. And when it is our time to come and go as well, Allah will choose what is best for us as well. Insha Allah, Utah Allah. What an amazing faith we have to have that optimism regarding Allah, Subhanahu, Utah Allah. And also again, this is a, a lecture that is going to be very blunt, brothers and sisters. But again, it is a reality that we all have to face. And I remember, obviously I am far older than most of you here. I'm hope I'm older than all of you. Shouldn't be anybody older than me here because that's the whole point of this class. But at every stage of my life, starting from middle school, at every stage, and I'm sure you are already facing this as well. I have attended the janazas of the parents of my friends, right? At every stage. My first Janazah that I'm cognizant of was middle school. One of my friends parents, you know, had a heart attack and you know, I was probably what, 13 something 14? And we attended that Janaz and you understand what's going on. It's a painful thing. And I remember thinking I couldn't even imagine losing my father. How is he coping with this? You know, I remember thinking that as a child. I can't even imagine. But here's my friend. We used to play together everything and now he doesn't have a father. And that was the first of countless Janazas, countless sometimes sudden and sometimes you know it's going to happen and you come comes the news and one of our very, very close family friends in Houston, family friends meaning like, even though they're not blood related, you act to live with them as if they're blood related. You know, I'm talking about those close family friends. There was this core knit of community in the 70s and my family was one of them that one of those aunties. She again at the prime, we were in our 20s at the time, early 20s. So they're in their mid 50s, late 50s, right? And that's roughly my age now. But yeah, and I was in university at the time. So our core, core group, like literally no sign, nothing. She goes to sleep, she has a blank brain aneurysm and she wakes up, blood coming and she's dead on her bed. Literally no sign whatsoever. Absolute shock to all of us. And one thing I'll never forget, we went to that Janaza, all of us like Grim, our faces pale like this is our auntie, this is our, you know, person that we know. And we had a group, A core group at that time, you know, you know how it goes. We all have her clique, our group and one person, he just saw us all together and that the the our friend was not there yet. So he did say this in front of them him. He said he just looked at us and he goes, it's always somebody else's parent, isn't it? It's always somebody else's mom or dad. And when he said that, I just thought it's so true. My whole life I've been attending other parents Janazas. Then I thought, but a time will come when one day it's mine. What time will come when one day it is mine. And that time came four days ago. A time will come when, yes, right now it's everybody else's. Right now it's shocking, everybody else's. But inevitably a time will come when it is yours. And Hamdulillah, Allah allowed me a good amount of time with my father. I'm very grateful. But in the end, Allah is al wahid, al ahad, a summit, al Mahi al Mumid, and every other creation of Allah returns back to him. And so it is always somebody else's parent. Until one day it's not. And for that day, that lecture, this lecture is meant for that day. I want you to be prepared. I want you to start thinking from now and I want to prepare you. And I wish somebody had given me some of this advice because it is, it would make things easier. But in the end, there's only so much ease that can be done. And this is a part of the cycle of life. Obviously, you know, you understand when this happens. I've gotten hundreds and thousands of emails and text messages and friends that haven't contacted me for decades. 2 days ago, my childhood friend, like we're talking about 5 year old, you know, somebody of that, he called me up after decades. And where's childhood friends? And when you speak to somebody like that, all those memories come of you playing games, playing hide and seek, playing all of these things. And, you know, you just can't help but imagine and think, when we were kids, we couldn't wait to get older. When we were kids, we're just hasty to get on those responsibilities. But nobody tells you that becoming an adult is actually not fun. Nobody tells you that when you really become an adult, you wish that your parents were still there and you could still be children. So yes, there's a phase where there's there's an intoxicating power that comes, but it's a short lived phase and actual adulthood brings with it a sense of responsibilities and tasks to do that Subhanallah. So enjoy, enjoy while you can, but be prepared. So I'm going to talk about 7 points Insha'allahu ta'ala and then we'll conclude. And we also have a very important announcement regards to our community. So the first point that I have for all of you from now, this one, you need to start doing from now. And that is you are now all of you young adults. There's no child in this audience. But frankly, some of you are still, I am sure, treating your parents as if you're still a child. You might be the young adult in this audience, but when you go home, and that's understandable, you're still what, 2023? Whatever, You're just a teenager plus one or two. I get that you still revert to being a child and having the relationship of a child with an adult, but you are no longer a child and so start forming a new relationship with your parents. This is really awkward because your parents have always been your source of guidance, your source of looking up to your source. You give them, respect you give them. And now you can, if you wanted to have a normal conversation about life, about the world. But you don't do that because you've never done it your whole life. And I'm telling you this is the time because it's not going to happen overnight. To form a new relationship is going to take years, a decade or more. But you need to start. And how do you start that? By quite literally asking them about their own life, about their own journey. I must confess, as a teenager, I never wanted to talk to my dad about his life. I found it to be what am I going to discuss with him about? Right. We were just were very formal at that stage of our lives. I'll be very honest here. I didn't have what I would consider to be a open relationship. It was a relationship of respect. You know how it goes. You know, especially I'm older than you. So it was a different generation, right? I never had a serious conversation with my dad, you know, as a teenager. It's always about, OK, I'm going to do this, I need this, can you give me some money? You know how it goes, right? And that relationship of more of an adulthood actually began a bit too late for me in my 30s. And I regret that, you know, one of my excuses. I was in Medina, actually, but we didn't have a phone. But still, you don't have to delay it that much. And as you heard, many of you heard my talk, I gave him up. My father, there were so many incidents of his life that I had no idea about until I asked him. And I'm sure many more I'll never know now because I never spoke to him. And by the way, this applies not only with your parents, but if you're fortunate to have your grandparents alive, take advantage of that. These, these are your grandparents. And once they're gone, a treasure of your own heritage is going to be gone. This is you, your blood, your DNA. This is what shaped you. And if you have access to any grandparent, take your cell phone, take a video and literally ask them questions and record it, anything that you can get. And again, this is one of my biggest regrets of my own life because my grandmother had so many stories and she would love to tell me, but I was a teenager and I was not interested in 1920s British India. I had no interest in it. I'm much more interested in playing games and doing this and that. And obviously when she goes, she goes too late. All those memories gone. So point number one, this is the age where you need to develop a different relationship with your parents. And it's going to take a while because your parents aren't used to talking to you like adults either. But that's only going to happen when you start acting like an adult yourself and start opening up to them. Start talking to them about topics beyond just the logistics of the house, about insurance and car insurance and gas bills, beyond just the mundane. Start talking about life, about politics, about other issues, whatever you have an interest in. And believe you me, slowly but surely you're going to form a different relationship with your parents. And it's a very, very beautiful stage of your life. So point #1 start. Forming stronger bonds now that you're adults and it's going to take a while, but it sounds weird. Your parents are never going to be your friends. That's fair enough. OK, But surely even if they're not going to be your friends, surely you can form a bond with them that is unique and that is different than when you were 515. Now that you're 2025, now that you're moving on to 30, now it's time for you to have a different relationship. And I hope all of you, inshallah, understand that your parents, even if you have more book knowledge than them, I've said this many times, they have more wisdom about life than you understand this point. And it took me years to understand this on my own. Took me years to understand this on my own. That doesn't matter how much you've memorized, how many books you've read, they've lived double the life, triple the life you have lived. So what they've learned about humans, about living, about being around people, you couldn't possibly know that at your age. So just benefit from other things and their background and their experiences and other things of their life. And this is going to form a new relationship. And pretty much, I guarantee you, you will find a new level of respect for them that you never had. And this happened with me definitely again, give me some slack. I grew up in the 80s, so it was a very different era. And I was the first born here. You know this, I was the first generation born here. So I really, may Allah forgive me, I really didn't have much respect for my dad because he had a strong accent, because he's not acting the way I would be embarrassed when my, you know, friends would come, you know, and he's acting in his own manner. I'm talking about when I was in middle school, not when I was in college, right? You understand this like that. I hope you'd at least give me some slack. May Allah forgive me, you know, But it took a while when I had some actual difficulties in life and to hear him analyze it and understand it instantaneously, like it kind of like clicked in me. Wow. He actually knows a lot. He knows how to live. He knows how to do, you know, human relations, this and that psychology, just like human psychology. These are things that you gain by experience. So believe you me, when you start talking to your parents in this manner, you will actually gain a new found respect for them that they never had in your life because you never gave them that opportunity. So open up and try your best. That's point number one point #2 understand, as you grow older and as they grow older, one of the inevitable milestones of life is to balance all of these responsibilities simultaneously. Right now, many of you have the freedom to ignore anything happening at home. You are. And I'm sure your mom's always say this to you like Princess or princesses, VIP guests, right? You know, I'm sure your mom's always berate you like you don't do the dishes, you don't do this and that. You literally come and go as you please. It's a free hotel. I don't want to sound like your mom, but this is the reality of our house and it's the reality of your houses as well. Our house, meaning we have to do this to our kids. But then my kids are here right now so I can say this. OK, So it is the truth. You get treated like AVIP guest, you know your laundry is done most of the time, your rooms are cleaned even if you leave them dirty. Someday your mom's going to yell and scream and do the room for you. Whatever, right? That's the reality. OK, Understand this phase will never come back. Nobody, nobody will give you that unconditional love. It's harsh love. It's a little bit stern, a little bit rebuking, but it is love in the end of the day. And as you grow older and as you start have to paying your own rent and as you get married and as you have you have your kids, realize you're going to have to balance your career, your spouse and children and your family. And here's the point. Each one of these is going to start taking up more of your time, not less. Right now, by and large, because of your age demographics. Your parents I would assume are at their relative just beyond prime. You know, they've gone their primes, or some of them, some of them might be at their primes. They're just a little bit still at that plateaued prime, I'm assuming most of you at this stage. And that's great. That's the good news, the bad news for you, and it's good because it's a bada. Life is only going to get more difficult, not less difficult. Life is going to throw you more responsibilities, not less. You're going to have to take on the stress of office politics, of finding a job, of keeping that job, of rising up in that job. The stress of spousal issues, which is a whole different ballpark. And I will talk about this constantly over and over again because we have a massive problem of getting married and remaining married and divorced, etcetera. And that is a massive issue. And then children and the time and the effort and the energy and along with this, now your parents are going to be 607075 and they're going to need more of your time, not less. So you have to be prepared mentally that one of the things about life is that life will become more stressful. There will be more responsibilities, not less. Be prepared for this. So enjoy this relative freedom that you have of being VIP guests at home of being Princess and princesses. Enjoy it because it will never come back back and I guarantee you the day you leave your house to go on to your marriage or career, if ever you come back, when you come back to visit, it will never be the same. You will be a visitor when your own room you come back to, you will not be inhabiting the room that you left. You will be a very different person. So enjoy it when you can, but be prepared mentally, emotionally, be prepared that you will be required to invest more time, not less, in every single aspect of life. Point #3 every family is different. But point #3 health literacy. I'm not a I'm not AMD as you all know, I'm a PHDI don't know anything about M DS as my mom says, he's a real doctor. Neha, I'm not the real doctor, I'm the fake doctor, right? OK. I had to do lots of mini crash courses about different aspects of health because of the issues that your parents, my parents have to go through and almost all parents at some point in time things begin to happen. This how Allah created us. The body begins to wear out and parents, because they were parents, because they've always been taking care of you, they will always, generally speaking, pretend as if everything is OK. You are going to have to start monitoring their signs. This is the beginning now of the role reversal, blood pressure, cholesterol level, heart issues, osteoporosis, cancer, regular check UPS. You are going to have to start just like your parents used to take you to the doctor for your visits, for your this and that. Now, when your parents are 5060 years old, Nae, nae. I'm fine. Don't worry about it, Subtika. OK. I could have had everything fine. No, I need you to go to your annual checkup. I need you to see your blood pressure. You need to physically see what's going on because parents, because their whole life, they've been the one taking care of you. In their minds, they're like, I don't want to trouble my son, my daughter about my blood pressure. But you need to understand this is now role reversal. Find out. No, I want to see the results. Let me just see. And once they've shown you, if you're not an MD like me, you have to know what it is. Find out what it is. Call up your friend, doctors, whatever. This is what I had to do. What what? What is this? What do you do about this? And then you start because the last thing you want to do is to make the situation worse because you didn't catch it in time, because your parents ignored it. Now, some parents are different, and obviously everybody's different in this regard. But I would say generally speaking, our culture, Indian, Pakistani, Arab culture, our culture, the parents think that they're doing us a favor by not telling us their health problems, right? And they think, well, you know, Allah will take care of it. Yes, Allah will take care of it if you also take care of it. You know this reality, right? So young adults must learn to start pressuring their parents for annual checkups to monitor the diagnosis of the parents, to start looking at warning signs. Diabetes, for example, massive issue, heart, massive issue, you know, dementia when they start getting weak, osteoporosis, falling down, all of these things, you're going to have to take on this role slowly but surely. And this knowledge can help prevent bigger crises later on, right? This knowledge can help you at an early stage of cancers detected at an early stage. As you understand it's quite literally a matter of life and death if it's stage 1 versus stage 4. And the only way that's going to happen is if you are gently in the picture saying don't worry, I'll take you this and that. And again, realize especially when your parents begin the decline because there's going to come a stage where they realize this is now declined when your parents begin the decline. And I know most of you have already seen the beginnings. Maybe your parents cannot be as energetic. Maybe the, the bones are hurting, maybe the knee is aching here. Maybe they it's already beginning. So that's the stage where they will be in denial, complete denial. And you're going to have to gently coax them. It's OK, I'll take you, You know, once a year, the annual checkup, make sure everything is done, the vital signs after the age of 4550, especially make sure your parents are getting their annual physical done because they're not going to want to do it, but your job is there to help them and to analyze. And then each individual will know once. And this isn't the normal like 80% of people in their 60s or 70s, things begin to happen, right? This is just the norm. Very few people, very few people have absolute pure, you know, absolutely no, you know, health issues. But 80% something happens. Blood pressure, cardiovascular, osteoporosis and diabetes. These are the main, and one more thing, these are the top five things. Like 80% of people in their late 50s, early 60s have one or more of them, but they're not going to know they have them unless they get their checkups done. And that's where you come in as well. Make sure you start doing this. So that's point #3 knowledge of health, health medication, giving them their annual checkups and then learning about the specific issue. So in my particular case, and again, I don't mind opening up in this regard, Charlie, you'll learn and benefit from this. So Panela, my, my father, his organs were fine, but he went through dementia and things began to happen that didn't make sense to me. I'm like, what is he doing with this for? And you ask, you find out. And then it's stage 2 dementia. OK, how many stages are there? 7 stages. OK, what do I do about this? You learn all of these 7 stages. And in my particular case, I saw my father go through from 1 all the way to 7:00, every single one of those stages. And each one you have to do, you know, different things. You have to, you have to do this on your own. Nobody tells you to do this. You have to figure this out. You know, again, I don't mind being personal here. It's, it's a bit painful for me to say, but I hope this is a benefit that one of those stages is that the patient will not know where he or she is. Then they'll open the door and wander outside. And I thought, my dad's not going to do that. Guess what He did? And we didn't know where he was. And he walked all the way to the Masjid and the epic calls me. Your father's here. He's lost. He's like, what? How did he get there? Run downstairs. He's obviously not there. So this happens. We had to get a lock and a chain on the inside of the house. This is one of the stages of dementia. It's one of the stages of dementia. And it's painful, but you have to. I thought, my dad's never going to do that. It happens. Exactly right. So whatever the issue, the problem is you need to research, find out, and then start taking care and doing what needs to be done. So point #3 is health point #4 and again, it might be premature for some of you, so you know when to do this. But at some point in time when the decline begins, but they're still cognizant, they're still able to make decisions and think the siblings if you have some, If you don't, then other relatives. Because this is not generally a one person decision. The family other than your parents have to come together and discuss possible awkward topics of expectations and then bring in the parents as well expectations of where you're going to live in 10-15 years, who will take care of you. Do you want to go to a retirement home? Can one of U.S. House you? These are very difficult topics, very painful topics. The first time you raise them, don't be surprised. Your parents become angry. Why? Because it is embarrassing. Their whole life they've taken care of you and now they don't want to think about the day you have to take care of them. It's embarrassed their their sense of parenthood is being diminished and this is the role reversal. You are now becoming the parent and imagine a time will come was going to be your time. I know you guys can't even think about that, but yesterday I was your age, today I am my age, tomorrow I'm going to be my parents age. This is the reality of life. So a time will come when you have to, but right now you have to start thinking about and that's why by the way, on a separate topic, it is so important that our community have elderly people's homes. We don't have that. It is so important what will happen to your parents? Where will they live when they need somebody to take care of them? You have to start thinking about this. How many siblings are you? Think about coming together. And then again, be gentle because this is a really awkward topic. And again, be wise if, if they're still in their mid 50s, perhaps you're a bit too premature to talk about this. But definitely by late 60s, definitely, definitely this needs to be begun. And by the way, even in mid 50s, other things can be discussed. The will, where is the will? Where is all the important documents? What is going to happen to the inheritance? This is another aspect. Most of our parents are a little bit clueless about the law and most of us know more about the law. Most of us, sometimes they know more. But there's no reason for Uncle Sam to take large percentage of inheritance tax. There's easy ways out of it, and no parent, you know, would mind that. Why would you want percentage to go to the state, to the government when you can do a family trust, a living trust to live in their ways, you know, and Hamdan and my father actually was told this by a family friend. So we sat down together and he made what is called a family trust and that protects his assets and his wealth and whatnot. And you should also look into this. This needs to be done when they're young and healthy, not when they're, they cannot think about what they're doing. This needs to be done way before the retirement age actually begins. So that, and, and again, I know this has happened to family friends of mine. Their parents die or a father dies without obviously, and you know, any warning. Sometimes it happens and they have no idea where the money is, how to access it. They don't even know how many stocks, how many bank accounts. That's just not healthy. And no matter how awkward the question is or the information is the siblings need to come together even at your age, because death is unexpected. The Angel of death doesn't put a mark in your calendar. This is the time it's coming. No, And when that happens, the the the the least thing you want to be care concerned about is where is the access to the wealth. I need to take care of my mom. I need to take care. You don't want this burden and I have had to deal with other families to hum that. In my case, my my father really did a good work in this regard. He literally told us this is the willows over here. And and later on in life, before he really went down that road, he sat me down, literally went over everything. And hamdulillah, he was wise enough to do that. But not every parent is going to do that. And it's your job to know where is it, the will and all of your assets. At least put them in a safe place. OK, I understand it's awkward. You don't need to know them at this stage. And our siblings. But where is the access to that? How do I obtain that information? If something were to happen, God forbid, the last thing I want to worry about is the the money and the finances. So this is another awkward conversation. Also awkward conversation. Extremely awkward. How many of you know what ADNR is? DNR is something you need to discuss with your parents, right? Do not resuscitate yes or no because the Sharia says they have more right to decide than you. You understand DNR guys. You understand what it is. If they're in a state where they might have to, you know, put in feeding tube where they might have to like, you know, put, put in a mechanism for their lungs to breathe or whatever. Should the doctors do everything to intervene at a time when they might even be almost clinically dead? When do you think they're good? Or should it just let nature take its course? I'm telling you guys, it's really, you know, difficult for me to say, But and I am who I am. And I've given fatwas about this man. I've written fatwas about this. And a few months ago, a scare happened. And my father is right there. And I have to make that decision and all those fatwas and knowledge just drains out of you because it's your father right there. You know, you can't. Theory is one thing and reality is another. Like people are saying, put in, you know, the feeding tube or else. And at that stage all that knowledge just goes out, you know. But at Hamdulillah, I thank Allah, my father was very clear. He sat me down and he said I do not want any mechanism to keep me alive. He said this to me point blank and I thank Allah he said that to me. Because if he hadn't said that to me, it's so easy when your father that he managed to move on Hamdulillah, that wasn't the time he went away. He, he left another 2-3 months. But at that stage, if he hadn't told me years ago what he told me, I don't know what I would have done because that decision is on you. And you're like, what do I do? It's emotionally like. And then on top of that, your family, your extended family, uncles and aunts, everybody's coming in. But you might be the eldest or you might be the person he assigned or whatever it might be. You might just go crazy if you don't already have clear clarity before it happens. And that is why I'm advising you from now. Again, when I say now, I don't mean today, but you get my point. When it is wise, when the time is before you know, you think that inshallah the decline is whenever it's going to happen or it's already begun, whatever that these awkward conversation and be wise. Maybe one of the ways to do that is to bring up a situation. Oh, you know, strange thing happened. My friend's mother, this happened and he didn't know what to do. Mama, what do you think? What do you think she should have done? And you get her perspective on another person, right? You don't want to put her on the spot. You get their idea and she'll give you her idea right there. She'll give you I think Islamically this, I think this and that You get an idea where they're coming from. How else you know now what they, what they want to do. And if you know they don't give it to you, well, then that's another issue. Because then you, the siblings, whatever, all have to come together. So point #4 expectations of all types, right? Proactive planning that's going to prevent emotional shock. Expectations amongst the siblings that one of the most awkward realities is in the end, one sibling will do more than the others. That's the Sunnah of life. This is going to cause massive issues if Shaitaan wins and if you don't have Iman in Allah subhanahu ta'ala. Some siblings will automatically be able to do more than others for logistical reasons. Some might be overseas and you're going to be left with them. Some might not have the financial means, some might whatever it might be. So you need to discuss as siblings because the last thing you want is taking care of a parent to exacerbate tensions between brothers and sisters that might happen. I have seen this happen all too often. Families fighting and their parents are dying. Families are fighting because they didn't plan, they didn't think things through, they didn't have a clear cut understanding. And again, this conversation can be updated every few years as the situation changes, but there's got to be clear channels of communication. And again, this might be premature for some of you, but I want you to make a note of it. And when the time comes, be prepared to talk about it. Who's going to take care of dad? Where's mom going to go? What's going to happen? These conversations take place first without them and then with them, without them first. Because in the end of the day, if I mean, again, I'm not making any judgement here, but sometimes somebody will say all of them will say we can't take care of them. We're going to have to put them in an old people. So I'm just saying may Allah protect us all. But that is the reality of that already happens. If that is the case, finances, etcetera, etcetera. So point #4 awkward discussions of a whole host of issues regarding them, their maintenance, their upkeep, their places of living arrangement, caregiving, all of this, the shared responsibilities between family members. Point #5 legal issues. A time will come if Allah is apparent to live very long that they will not act in a rational and normal manner. Dementia or Alzheimer's will kick in. But here's the point and I saw this first hand. The mind doesn't just cease to function overnight, it takes years. Years. At what point in time do you have to step in and take legal responsibility away from them? That is going to be a very difficult decision. There will come a point in time when they might not be normal. And so they're going to be spending more than they should or acting more than they should or driving and they shouldn't be driving. And so you need to have at some point in time you or one of your siblings or all of your siblings power of attorney. Power of attorney is a document that listen to me carefully. Now, if your parent gives it to you of their own free will when they are cognitive, it is the easiest thing. But if they are not cognitive, they're not, they're not normal and they don't want to give you power of attorney. It's very difficult and you might have to go to court against your own mother or father because they might be doing things to the family assets that they wouldn't have done younger years. But now they're not thinking normally and you're not. It's just not good for them or for you. And you have to prove that they're not acting rationally or normally. And I've known families that have had to do that because when the parent gets to that age, they're like, let me just give sadaqa, you know, all of my wealth, give it to a, you know, orphanage and whatnot. And that's not Islamic, by the way, that is not Islamic. Even the parent needs money for himself or herself, not just for you. Like Allah knows how much money you're going to need to take care of your parents when they're older. Their money is for use for them. And by the way guys, Healthcare is exorbitant in this country. Exorbitant. How blunt should I be here? I don't know. I refuse to put my father in a nursing home. I refuse to and that cost me a mini fortune. He needed 24 hours care, 24 hours for the last 9-10 months to. There are times that I found other ways, but if you were to go about this the normal default way, it would cost you ballpark of $10,000 a month just for a caregiver, not the equipment, not the supplies, not the anything else. And no Medicare, Medicaid is going to pay for that. The problem of the healthcare of this country is if you're middle class, which almost all of us are, you're not going to get. And even if you're not middle class, you wouldn't get a whole caregiver. You would be thrown in some facility somewhere. Udu Bilan. I didn't want that from my my father. And so it's very expensive. So you don't want your parents asset to be distributed to random strangers when your parents need them. And there will come a time when they're going to think, oh, you're earning a good salary. Why can't I give to build an orphanage? And they would never have done this in their 60s. But now they're like at a stage where they're not understanding. It's not for me. I don't want your money. This is for you. This is for my mother. This is for what and not. And you don't want that to happen. So before the decline begins, power of attorney, if your father or whoever has the money willingly, when they're normal, they go to attorney in front of the attorney is notarized. Now my son, my daughter is in charge of the bank power of attorney and the power of attorney, There's another forgot it's a medical decision. What is it called, guys? Power of health, huh? Health proxy. Yeah. So health decision, like, who's going to make the decision? You need that piece of paper. I have seen with my own eyes the patient dying and the families having a shouting match about what should be done. They're not. There's no legal mechanism. And the, the by law, the, the wife, you know, has the right, but maybe all the children are on one. So it happened in one case that the mother had passed away. He had married another woman and that woman had a decision she wanted to do. And all the kids were against that decision. And I was brought in like, I can't do anything because he didn't leave a power of attorney. And by law, the wife he's married to has the right to make that decision. You don't want that to happen. Do you understand this is a really awkward situation? So before it gets to that level, again, legal aspects, power of attorney and then the other one is health proxy. There's two different power of attorney is basically finances. And then there's medical decision. It could be two different people, could be the same person, whatever it is, but it needs to be done. So point #5 is legal issues. Point number six that I want you to think about is, and I've already hinted at this, financial realities. Long term Healthcare is exorbitantly expensive. Medical bills and insurance only pays for a fraction. And as your parents get older, you're going to have to navigate that system and you're going to have to understand what your parents healthcare package and insurance gives, what it doesn't give, what are the insurance limitations? What are the out of pocket expenses? What are the, you know, potential needs that maybe Medicare or Medicaid. And again, at our stage, for most of us, Medicaid is not going to happen because it doesn't, it really doesn't go to middle class. Usually Medicare is. I mean, again, my experience has been it's yeah. I mean honestly, the healthcare of this country is very subpar. Very subpar. And it is definitely an eye opener to deal with. If you have wealth and wealth means nothing to you. This. This country offers the best health system in the world. But if you are not a multimillionaire, if you're like all of us, middle class Healthcare is exorbitantly expensive. One simple. I mean, how many times I had to call 911 in the last few years? How many times every single time we get a bill for a few $1000 just for the ambulance to come and take him do whatever check up, maybe even discharge the same day or maybe a few if it's a few days even more just for the ambulance to come the ambulance you have to yes, the you know, the interest takes care of a little bit, but at the end thing after bill after bill after bill, you just realize this country, the whole Healthcare is a scam. It really is. And many other countries in the world. I have to say this many countries the Healthcare is maybe not as great little bit less, but at least it is accessible and affordable. At least you can do what needs to be done. This country is a disaster in that regard. And that's the frustrating thing because without a doubt, and I have been to multiple countries, I've lived in multiple countries, I can see the standard here. Definitely, if you have wealth, it is second to none. We have the best doctors in the world, we have the best clinics in the world, the best equipment in the world, but it is accessible to those with wealth. And if you don't have it, you're in a quagmire, A nightmarish situation, and you're going to have to navigate it at some point in time. So I had to get a crash course about health and insurance and whatnot and Medicare and whatnot. It is what it is. So find out the financial realities, the hidden costs of all types of health issues. And This is why you have to be very firm with your parents when that age comes, that we can't just give your funds to other people. Now your own money that you've acquired, it is for you and prime And even Sharia says this by there's nothing is the Sharia says that the process of Mossad Nabiwal cost when he was about to die, he thought he was about to die. He said, yeah, Rasulullah, you know, my daughters are married, you know, can't I give most of my wealth? The process said no. How about 2/3? No, too much. Half of my wealth. No, one third. The process said, OK, one third. But even 1/3 is a lot. He said one third, but even 1/3 is a lot. Then he said listen to this. Were you to leave your daughters, your children wealthy is better than if you leave them and then they are impoverished and have poverty and they have to go beg people for money. It's your money. It should be with your family as a default. This is the process I'm telling Sadhguru Akas and I assure you a time will come in Most of your parents lives were like oh you have a good job, you don't need my money I just want to do this enough for the sake of Allah. And you have to tell them no for the sake of Allah, your wealth is for you. For the sake of Allah I need your wealth to give you the best care. And yes you give your zakat but one third Max in your will, in your will 1/3 Max. It is for outside the family, otherwise it is for you and you know, your spouse. That's the thing. So again, financial issues, hidden costs, all of this. And then if they don't have the wealth, which is again also common, the siblings who's going to give how much? All of this has to be discussed. And then the 7th and final point, which I've left for the last, the most difficult one. And that is to be prepared for the emotional shift to start treating your parent like a child and start parenting your parent. This is the most difficult and awkward phase and it is one that will take a heavy toll on you emotionally, and understanding it early on helps you begin to cope with it. Nothing is going to diminish the actual pain because your whole life your parents have been the wiser, the bigger the better. Your whole life your parents have been guiding you slowly but surely. There's going to be a time frame for most of you where by and large, you're semi independent. They're semi independent. Enjoy that time frame. This typically happens, you know, when they're in their early 50s, late 50s and your newlyweds, your first kids come and they're kind of, sort of, that is a nice phase for a while. But the decline will begin. And you're going to see your parents need parenting and decisions have to be made. And your parents are not qualified to make them. And one of the most difficult conversations of my whole life was when I had to sit my father down and tell him that he couldn't drive anymore. You know, I mean, it's a very difficult decision. The person who purchased your first car, the person who taught you how to drive, now you have to sit him down and, and say it's getting dangerous and you're making too many mistakes and you're passing red lights and whatever it might be, it's a very, very difficult conversation, but it has to be done. And who else is going to do it other than the children? But they're no longer children because the adults are now acting like children. And what do you think your, your father is going to be happy after living 70 years driving a car? You think he's going to take this decision easily from you? Who are you to tell him he's the one that taught you how to drive? And that's going to be the beginning of much more You're going to have to. And this is where you need to bring in other siblings, other family, and you have to empathize, put yourself in their shoes because in a while you will be in their shoes. You're taking away their dignity. Their whole life they've been the ones being the caretaker and now you're basically effectively telling them you need to be taken care of. You think they're going to willingly walk into that? Of course not. They're going to throw a tantrum as you used to throw when you were a teenager, but now you have to be the adults in that room and you have to act with a level of maturity you never knew you even had because the roles have reversed and you are now the parent effectively. And you will have to curb more and more, not out of hatred, but out of love, just like your parents put restrictions on you, not out of hatred, but out of love. Just like they put all of those rules. And you'll realize later on, even if some of them were wrong, it was coming from a place of love. Now you are going to have to put rules on them out of a place of love. And when that happens, you need to realize one of the goals is to maintain their dignity as much as possible. Give them the illusion of freedom as much as possible. And that's why in the Quranic verse that I quoted in the hoodbah that Allah says, say to them a word that is generous. You might have to do something that is not generous. Take the keys away, but say to them a word that is generous. Give them that confidence. It's like, don't worry, we'll take care of you. I'll get a driver for you. Now is the time for relaxation. You've earned it. Now we'll get a chauffeur for you. Don't worry. You're not going to get a full time chauffeur for them. You can't afford that. But you just give them that because the last thing you want, they've already been stripped away from their freedoms. You don't want to strip their dignity away from them. So you're going to have to learn to be the caregiver, the caretaker, the adult in the room. And one final point, so that the the emotional aspect of it and the beauty of Islam, the beauty of Islam, by the way, Wallahi, brothers and sisters. Wallahi on a personal note, I don't know if I could have done, even though I have, I don't think I did as well. For sure, I didn't do as much as I should have. I could have but Wallahi without Islam I couldn't and I wouldn't have even done a fraction of what little I did without Islam and the promise of Allah and the Quranic verses. I'm telling you bluntly, raw honesty. Throw all political correctness aside, love and duty can only take you so far. It is faith in a law that will really allow you to ride the wave. I'm telling you blunt honesty. This is raw reality. Talk is cheap man. Talk is so cheap when you actually have to deal with an elderly parent that is acting like a child. When you constantly have to take care of an adult. You know taking care of a child was difficult enough. You will understand this when you have a child, especially the woman in this audience. A child is not a part time job. Taking care of a child is 24/7. You cease to have a meaningful existence outside of children. And that's why so many young women don't want to have kids, because they understand this reality. But the love is different. The love is there. Doing it for a child is difficult enough, but at least there's the hope. OK, it's just 2-3 years, four years and the child grows. And the child will bring with it a new life, a new aspiration, a New Hope. Imagine doing it for a parent in which there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It'll actually go from bad to worse. It'll actually go from a little bit of weakness to a lot of weakness. It'll actually go from taking one hour a day to taking 3 hours a day to taking even more. So talk is super cheap and all of these platitudes mean nothing. And that's why I gave the code by Friday, if you listen to it, I didn't give a single lecture while I was here about the rights of the parents. Not a single, not one. Go find, go look up the YouTube list because I felt like an utter hypocrite doing so, to be honest, complete hypocrite. Like there's so much more that you could have done, I could have done, but you can only do so much. The good news is that at least whatever little you can do, make sure you do that. You could always do much more, but your regret should be minimal. And Allah Azza Wajal knows you tried your best. So realize that taking care of an elderly parent is one of the most emotionally and physically exhaustive tasks. It's not like taking care of a child which is only emotionally draining, but sorry, sorry. It's only physically draining. Emotionally it's powerful. Emotionally you love it. Emotionally you bring happiness. Physically you're tired because you have to wake up. You have to do this and that. But emotionally you're super happy. You, you, your first step of the child, your first this, your first that. Everything is a joy. For your parents, it's the exact opposite. There's no emotional choice that decline. It's a decline and it's gets more painful as their situation deteriorates. There's no light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, there's a Janaz at the end of the tunnel, right? So you have to keep that point in mind as you are at that stage of your lives and you have to prepare for it mentally, physically, spiritually. And this is where to me direct theme of our class, like Subhanallah without Islam, Subhanallah, we thank Allah that he's given us so much reward. I understood why Allah plays so much emphasis about taking care of parents, because you need that motivation. You need that motivation when it becomes such a chore that your whole life is taken up by that. And if it were not for the Quran, if it were not for the Sunnah, if we didn't have Iman like other people, do we understand why? I understand why non believers just put their parents in some faraway house and say yeah take care of them over there. For those of you that have to do that. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I'll make it easy. I understand some situations are different but will I? Let me not mince my words as a default. Come on. That should not be a default guy. Sorry. Let me be blunt here. As a default you should not be thinking of putting your parents in an in a facility. If you are thinking of that now, go visit any facility, go see how they treat their people. I have been to too many facilities in my life for various reasons and I refuse to put my parents, my father, I refuse to. I don't care how much it cost. I just couldn't do that and I thank a lot. At least I could get that done. Hamdulillah. I lived up to that reality even though life would have been so much easier to have somebody else do with a fraction of the cost compared to at home. But to be clear guys, I'm not putting this on you because people situations are different and perhaps sometimes you might have to do that. But do understand that as a default, as a general rule, if you can maintain your parents dignity by keeping them in one of the siblings houses, without a doubt that should be done. The love, the care, the comfort being around grandchildren, being around family is in and of itself priceless. Priceless. So keep this as a default if the situation is that that is not possible. I hope by that time in Charlotte there are better facilities, Muslim facilities, halal facilities where there's a little bit more love and care and concern than than other places. But these are all things that you need to do. But realize you will burn out. There's going to be emotional and physical stress throughout all of that. Keep a point in mind. That's why Allah said that in the Kibara. Why did Allah say when one of them becomes old or both of them? Why did Allah say when they become old? Don't say off because that is the most frustrating time. Their demands will become childish because that's their mind level now the time that they want from you, the request they want and you have to now become the mature adult and let them say what what they want to say and your actions will be for their benefit. And I conclude with what the Prophet Assam said that woe to that person, woe to that person, woe to that person they said who? O Messenger of Allah, he said that person who Allah allowed one or both of their parents to become old when they were alive, when the youngsters were alive, and yet still they didn't manage to earn Jenna through their parents. Woe to that person. What this means is if a person is not able to earn Jenna by servicing their parents, then effectively there's no other way to get to Jenna. If you fail your parents and you could have done better, then there's really no other way. So keep this point in mind that that's why the process and I'm said the parents are the biggest story to gender because in servicing them, in caregiving them, in helping them with whatever way you can just try your best in that service is the ultimate, ultimate mark of piety. And for me personally, guys, well, Lahi your value to me, to Allah, Subhanahu, they forget me. All of these ridiculous debates online, these theological issues, these filthy issues, utterly meaningless. Which physical you follow, which strand you follow, which meth hub you follow, sheer inanity, stupidity. Your real taqwa is demonstrated and how you treat your parents. It's as simple as that. All of this other stuff, it is child's play. Real piety is demonstrated in how you stand in front of your mother and your father and how you deal with them in their utmost time of need. It doesn't matter what other opinions you held, what strand of Islam, your Nafil prayers become negligible. You don't even have to pray Sunnah Nafil. You will earn fir dose even if you pray 0 sunnahs. You will earn fir dose if your parents are happy with you when they pass away. And that to me is the real mark of piety and the beauty of our faith that it teaches us. This is what it means to be a good human. This is what it means to be a good human being. Your parents took care of you out of love. Now it is your job to take care of them out of love. And keep on saying one final point. But things keep on coming to my head. I sometimes think about this reality. I have many friends who are not able to take care of their parents. I don't blame them, for whatever reason they have to put their parents here or there. May Allah make it easy on them. Sometimes wonder why my father, at least he got to be with his in his home. I was surrounded by family. And of course, then the answer comes to me immediately, and that is that he sacrificed a lot for his mother and father and he gave up his career at the prime of his job and he returned back to Houston to take care of his mother. He, his father passed away before this. So he took care of my grandmother for as long as she had left to live and he helped her. He did hidma to her. Then when his time came, Allah blessed somebody to at least do a little bit for him and at least he didn't have to go somewhere. So what I say this to you, understand, and I know you guys aren't thinking about this, you're way too young to think about this, but a time will come when you're going to wonder where will I go? Who's going to take care of me? I don't want to go to some strange facility. I don't want to be amongst people that don't care about me. I don't want my diaper to be changed every 10 hours. At that stage, as you have done to others, it shall be done unto you. So as you treated your parents, inshallah Allah, you too will be treated. So be selfish. Well Allah, hey, be selfish. Do it even for your own good. Allah allows this, the beauty of our religion. Do it for your own good. I want to be treated nicely when I'm old, so let me treat my parents nicely so that when it's my time, inshallah I will also be treated nicely. It's a halal selfish trick Allah allows you to do. This is not a problem, so as you do to others others it will be done unto you. Bottom line, cherish your parents as long as you can because obviously when the door shuts then there is no opening it. After that, as you understand, there is nothing that can be done except Duane is still far. So as long as you have them, minimize them getting irritated at you, take their rebukes and dance with goodwill, cheerful smile, you know, respond to their anger with politeness and jokes, it's all fine. They're doing it out of love, Insha'allah, Utah Allah. And as the tables turn and you become the caregivers, thank Allah that you have an opportunity to earn Jenna and have your sins forgiven. There's no better way to do so, Insha'allah. And with this jazak Mullah.