Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode, When Your Parents Disagree With Your Parenting, I want to talk about the often sticky and difficult topic of what feels like co-parenting with your parents. Co-parenting, why? Well, because over 7 million grandparents in the UK provide regular childcare. Now, that's nearly two-thirds of all grandparents with grandchildren under the age of 16. And we've seen this massive shift. Basically, in the last two generations, the number of children that are being cared for by their grandparents has increased. And that's because of the number of children that are being cared for by their grandparents. And that's because they've increased phenomenally from what would have been 33% to 82%. So, that means 8 out of 10 of you that are listening to this podcast are relying on grandparents to some extent, whether that's full-time childcare, whether that's picking up, dropping off, looking after in the school, summer holidays or any aspect of life. And it creates, well, it can create a huge amount of challenges. And what's interesting, the reason why I've decided to do this podcast is because I've been doing this for a long time. And I've been doing this for a long time. And I've been doing this podcast episode was I was delivering a webinar within a company sort of setting. And it came up, the webinar was all about helping children manage big emotions. And it came up within that was like, how do you manage those scenarios when you as a parent have listened to a podcast or you're adopting a particular strategy about helping and support your child across anything? It could be screen time, anything. And what do you then do when it feels like you are battling against your parents, or maybe your friends help out with childcare, and they wholeheartedly or fundamentally disagree, and either undermine what you're trying to do, or you find yourselves constantly having clashes. Now, there is no ideal solution for this. And it will all depend on how intense the jarring is, how difficult the challenges are, how flexible and malleable you and also the environment or your family are prepared to be. So it's not not suggesting that we're going to have a total solution for this. But there are really good ways to approach this to sort of optimise your chances of making it a reasonably more oiled and fluid and more workable relationship. So it's a big one, generally, because I want to talk about a couple of things first, before we really sort of talk specifically around how can we resolve these particular situations. And the first thing that's important to remember from a context is that, you know, when it comes to parenting children, we are doing it in a very different way to the way that our parents parented us. I'm sure some of you are saying 100% Mary-Anne, but that, you know, it is just different. And a large, a large part of that is due to the fact that the advances that we have in our knowledge and understanding of children's development, early attachment, neuroplasticity, differences in brain makeup, which speaks to all types of neurodivergent brains. And you add all of this sort of psychological development stuff that we know, and the society and the environment that we're raising our children in is completely different. Whichever, you know, however old you are, whether you're in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, in terms of raising children still, it's a whole host different than it would have been for your parents. So there is more abundance than would have been for our parents. But with that also comes more distraction, more open access to information, more technology, more pressures, more geographical distances to our sort of support hub, just generally as a whole. So I think we have to kind of remind ourselves of that. And also, that's part of the narrative when we talk about the resolutions that we can come to when it comes to these disagreements. So that's the first thing. And the second thing goes back to what I said before, is that we are, as a society, we are not going to be able to as parents becoming increasingly reliant on our parents for childcare of some sort. And a lot of that is about the rising costs of living generally, and also the cost of childcare, that for a lot of parents makes it almost cost prohibitive to then return back to work. And for some, they're going back to work anyway, even though it is net, childcare is costing more than you actually sort of take home. Whether your parents are involved on a weekly basis, or they regularly help with larger stints of time in holidays, or times when you're particularly busy at work or busy with life. And for others, that could be in your own home, it could be in their home. So there's basically going to affect almost all of you that are listening to this podcast episode. I relied very heavily on both of sets of grandparents. When my children were younger, I was studying, and I was also working. And I was also working on my own work. And I was also working on my own working. So I relied huge, huge amounts. And at one at one point in my studies, I was literally spending Monday to Friday, alternating between grandparents, and then only sort of coming returning home with the children at the weekends. So I know how challenging this can be. And I know also, that it's often a very different dynamic depending on the sets of grandparents. So my mum, a widow, it was very easy for me to have conversations with her where there were clashes around what she thought and what I thought, I could have a very direct conversation, often quite fiery, because we're both fiery women. But it was very easy to kind of avoid things building up inside me. And so I could do that. But it's not always the case for everyone. And when the relationship that we have with our in-laws is naturally going to be very different to the relationship that we have with our own parents. So how do we look at resolving this? Well, I want to give you six top tips here. What I want us to remember is our primary goal for this, okay, absolutely, in an ideal world, we would like whoever's helping us co-parent, whether that's grandparents, our parents, whether it's friends, neighbours, whatever. Ideally, we would like them to see things our way and to do things our way. But fundamentally, what we want to do, our primary goal is keeping the lines of communication open, because otherwise, we're on to a real losing battle. So how do we keep those lines of communication open? And how do we keep those lines of communication open? And how do we then resolve some of these challenges? And I think the first thing that I would say is that we want to create an environment to talk openly about differences. So for those of you who are listening to this podcast episode, who are about to embark on something, whatever that might be, that means that you will become more reliant on your parents or grandparents for some form of support. And I think that's a really important thing. out of 10 of you is probably in a situation where it's already started, you're already having some support in some ways, and the differences are already there. So it's about then potentially taking things, taking a bit of a step back. And in lots of ways, I talk about this sort of, I've noticed that having those sorts of conversations can begin to create that environment. So it's like, I've noticed that, you know, that there may well be some disagreements about how we're managing little Jack's tantrums. And I think that's a really probably be quite good for us to have a bit of a conversation about it. So it's really approaching all of it with that mindset of, I really want to keep the dialogue open. So that's the first thing, that's just almost a mindset thing. But if you're in the ideal situation, if you haven't yet started it, it's great to set the scene. The second is when we have these conversations, and which we'll talk about in terms of communication and other things, it's really important that we listen at actively, so that we can really seek to understand where our parents are coming from, and that the lens with which their suggestions about parenting or their criticism of our parenting is coming from. And we want to be compassionate, and remember that their views will be rooted in some very deep seated ancestral beliefs about what good and bad parenting is. So we also want to remember that we can't change their behaviour in the same ways we talk about advice that we give to our children in terms of challenges that they might be having with friendships. Our children can't change the way that their friends behave, but they can choose to change how they respond to it. And they can seek to influence through good communication, so that those sort of things don't happen regularly. So it's remembering that we can't change their behaviour, we can only own what our own. And whilst it would be a mess, we can only own what our parents own. And we can only own what our parents own. And it's amazing if they, you know, if they equally actively listened, I think it's, you know, it's we have to look at our what can I do in this situation so that I can come across compassionate I can come across as really trying to understand their from their perspective and then I can then communicate to them why we are insisting on things being done in a particular way and it's being realistic in your expectation because in this piece your sole expectation is not to impart what you think they should be doing and what you want them to do but simply your goal is to try and understand what story what narrative what lens they are looking at that clashes specifically with your parenting and a lot of it will be around this idea of sort of you know that we're being too soft on children that they should just do what we're telling them to do maybe there's some challenges around discipline maybe your parents think that there ought to be some form of punishment maybe they think that your the children are getting away with things maybe they think that you're spoiling your children whatever those things are it's just for us to be able to communicate effectively why we have chosen the route that we're choosing why we're choosing the strategies why we're approaching particular aspects of our children's behavior in certain ways it's going to be so much easier for us to communicate that effectively when we have really understood and unpacked what it is that sits behind our parents and our children and our children and parents belief that we're being too soft that we're pandering to them that we're giving them too much that we're not feeding them properly whatever that might be so it's it's always helpful to have that so we're creating this environment where we can talk openly about differences we're listening actively even if we find that they're not doing the same and then it's about communicating our parenting style our parenting approach our parenting strategies and the reason behind it and the more objective we can be when we communicate this in a compassionate way the better so for example we have chosen to acknowledge jack's emotions when he is having a full-blown tantrum because what we've learned in the recent over the past decade is that the research shows that there's evidence that when you label an emotion it helps jack feel that we understand how he's you know what he's going through in that in that moment and in the long run it will help him manage his emotions better even though it might feel like it looks like we're pandering to him so that's a really objective unemotive i think quite often with these these sort of challenges that we have and where we find ourselves slightly loggerheads with our parents or our grandparents when it comes to parenting is that it's almost like well my belief is right no my belief is right when we can listen to understand and then really communicate why we're doing this approach and in a reasonable way explain that there's a difference in terms of how we know about children and that there's evidence for this particular way working i think it just it sits better generally so and then we can kind of add things to it so i know it might look and feel like we're pandering to him or giving him unnecessary attention but it has been shown to be much more effective at helping jack own his emotions so much more than just telling him that just to stop crying sending him to his room giving him a snack a smack or ignoring him so you're speaking to the this is why we've chosen this particular parenting approach or this particular strategy and acknowledging even if they don't say it acknowledging the aspects that you believe that they're struggling with which is this notion that as you know as parents we are now raising these soft and squidgy pampered young children who were never heart resilient and never asked to do anything and we basically wipe their bottoms for their whole life so in the same way as we might help a child who's emotionally dysregulated by you know i wonder if you might be feeling do you think you might be and and acknowledging that yes you know of course you must be you know must be frustrated i wonder if you might be feeling frustrated because you think it's not fair that i'm asking you to stop playing with something that you're really enjoying because you think we're so mean and that you never get a chance to do what you want and you can't wait to be a grown-up so you can choose what you want to do and that's what we're doing and that's what we're doing and that's what we want so in lots of ways it's the same aspect of you know explain why you're doing something but also acknowledge their perspective their lens because then they all they also feel that their emotions are validated and that you have acknowledged their perspective so we create the environment we're going to listen actively we're going to communicate our parenting choices and the reasons behind it and then we want to acknowledge our parents' feelings around the way that we parent because that's an important bit so i get so something along the lines of i get it feels like you might be pan you know we might be pandering and it feels wholly unnatural asking you to do the same just doesn't feel natural to you it's not the way that you parented us and i get this might take a little time you know i'm not expecting you to do it all of the time and get it perfect you know goodness we don't but i would really value you being on the same page and acting from the same value system as us something along those lines it's really speaking to that i know this feels a bit unnatural to you it is it isn't the way that you'd go about it and and i know i appreciate that this isn't going to happen all of the time and it and it's going to take a bit of time but i would really appreciate it if you're able to approach it that way and obviously you know what i should have probably said at the outset but it's important to say now is how in depth we go into this conversation these conversations depends a huge amount on how actively involved your parents are in your day-to-day child care so you could be listening to this and you could be one of the two out of ten that doesn't rely on your parents in any shape or form for child care however every time you spend weekends with them or every time you go to visit them or they come to your home they're super critical and i think in those scenarios where there is no child care that's happening you can approach it in a different way because you may choose actually we don't need to have these conversations each time maybe your children go and see your parents or spend time with their grandparents on average i don't know 21 days of the year you may make a decision you may make a choice that you know what we've effectively tried to communicate this and we're just at loggerheads things are not changing but on reflection 21 days out of 365 we're just going to let it ride and when our parents come back and this will happen in the scenarios where the parenting approach is extremely different it's almost opposite you probably will have children who will come back to you who will be challenging because of course granny and granddad have let us let them do whatever they want and they've gone to bed whenever they want and all that you know they've been strict what however whichever way it goes grandparents can go at extreme at either end of spectrum can't they but you may choose that actually for 21 days 365 we're just going to take it as it is and we'll deal with the resetting of expectations when your children return and factor that in in terms of when they visit so you can choose to do that if you're you've tried strategies or it's a long slow process that you're not seeing change the process that i'm talking about is one that you can't and i would suggest you shouldn't ignore if you are reliant on your children to do that so you can choose to do that if you're reliant on your parents regularly for some form of child care that is impacting the way that you are trying to work through a particular challenging emotion a challenging behavior with your child because of the regularity of contact that they have it is really crucial that we have those conversations so we've set the environment we've listened we've communicated and we've acknowledged how our parents their feelings around the way that we parent the fifth one then really is about trying to find some common ground because there will be some somewhere 100 even if it's the theory behind it but the implementation of the strategy you know it is sometimes really helpful to reiterate and acknowledge the areas in which your parenting is aligned as a precursor to having more difficult conversations around where your parenting styles differ so it's almost that you know we're really aligned in this area and that's really helpful and i really value how that you know that that works so smoothly and you see the effects on the children that they're getting this consistent approach we'd really like to see if there's ways that we can do that also with this particular area because it's really important because it impacts the children in this way so it's using that as a way of helping to be able to then bring that one through so that's also a really helpful thing it's like i think sometimes we often have a lot more in common than we really know and i think that's a really important thing to do because it's a really important thing to do because it's a really important thing to do because it's a really because naturally our frustrations lie around the difficulties and the differences we often focus in on that and in lots of ways i talk about descriptive praise and acknowledging you know we're not trying to patronize our parents in any shape or form but i think it's also important that we remember to acknowledge the similarities that we have as well as then having those conversations around the differences and then the last thing is around setting boundaries So, practice saying, for example you change it to however you want to but practice saying things like thank you for your advice I know it comes from a well-intentioned place and we will consider it but when it comes to parenting our children we will make the final decision so it's that acknowledgement it's also that reminder to ourselves that fundamentally we are our children's parents and in the way that our children and in the way that our parents had the final decision on the way we were raised it's exactly the same the other way around and sometimes that setting boundaries can feel really difficult and I would say that that's often the case where we find it difficult to set boundaries generally and there will be often as I spoke earlier on it can be quite challenging around setting boundaries you may feel that you can set it with one set of parents but you find it more difficult with another set of parents so it is about lots of ways it really is about practicing saying it over and over again to yourself so it sounds easier to do you become a little bit more rehearsed with it and practice with it it comes across in the tone that you want it it doesn't have it's dispassionate in that you take out any heat any frustration any of that big emotion in terms of delivering it so that that can be a really really useful one and you can also try and practice so that's a real head-on you know thank you very much you know when we need it your advice you know I know it comes from a well-intentioned place and we'll come to it that is super direct but you can instead choose to redirect so that you go you know particularly when you get unsolicited you know feedback or advice it's just simply you know gently say that you're not seeking their advice at the moment but you might then redirect the conversation elsewhere so there are softer ways of doing it as you begin to create that comfort in setting boundaries but I think it's a really important thing to do and what I would also say is and I know this is a hard one particularly because there are financial implications if the challenges are proving so extreme that it is impacting significantly impacting how you feel when your parents are helping out dropping off or picking up then I do think there has and you're and you're not working through these or you're finding it uncomfortable or it's just not working then sometimes we have to reconsider the way that we are juggling things do we have a really great friend where we can do a bit of reciprocal can you look after my children can you pick them up from school can you give them something to eat if I then pick up yours I think we then have to look creatively but what I would say is that is the general flow of advice that I've suggested and the way of going about things does work we just have to do it because I know how uncomfortable it can feel to start those conversations because it can feel like maybe they'll be upset by it maybe they'll think that we're being disrespectful maybe they'll withdraw their help and support there's a lot of fear from ourselves as parents attached to that we don't want to upset our parents we don't want to upset our parents we don't want to upset our parents we don't want to upset our parents we don't want to but if we don't go through this process if we don't have those difficult conversations if we don't really seek to listen to acknowledge if we don't set boundaries if we don't acknowledge how difficult it is for our parents to then implement some of these strategies then we're what all that happens is the resentment and the frustration builds not only in you but potentially also in your parents that are helping out and so that's why I think sometimes we have to be creative and the bottom line is if your child is flourishing generally despite these clashes and these differences then there is a very easy narrative that we can have with our children and actually it's a narrative that we will have with our children as they grow up and then they make friends and they spend time with other families and see that the microcosm and the culture within your home will be very different to what it is at their friends homes is that we can have a very easy conversation with our children if we can if our children are flourishing and it really isn't an issue maybe it's an issue more for us than impacting our children is we can then begin to then have conversations with our children around you know when I'm in charge when we as your parents are in charge we do things this way when your grandparents are in charge there are some changes and modifications and flexibility but this these are the way this is the way that we do things in our home and how we go about things and that acceptability is the way that we do things and that acceptance because it's also really important for our children to understand and to know that different families different people parent differently and that that's okay too but we always come back to in this home this is the language that we use this is how we manage our emotions this is the routine that happens around bedtime this is what we do when we eat our food so it is looking at the whole picture but the strategies I've given you will help and they they will create change over time so I hope that that was really useful because it has as I said it came up in a webinar and I have had a couple of of you email in specifically to ask about this so if I've not touched on something very particular if there's been a particular situation that you would like me to give you some some advice around then do send that in it's contact at drmaryhand.com because that can be answered very specifically as a question in the bucket emptying episodes on a Monday so as ever if you have enjoyed this podcast I would be eternally grateful if you could rate follow and review so that others can find us and we can spread the love so until next time
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