Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode, When the Stakes Feel High, is a little different because it's actually not for you as the parent, but for your child, teen or young adult. Now that is not to say that you can't and you shouldn't listen to it. I actually think you'd learn a lot about the challenges your children are grappling with each and every day. It's just my conversation will be directed to the young person who has chosen to listen, or maybe you've been strong-armed into listening, but I hope you find something useful in it. When the stakes feel high is about any situation that you, yourself, find yourself in, which matters to you what the outcome is, not what it matters to your parents, not that it matters to your teachers, not that it matters to anyone else. It's the stakes, when the stakes feel high for things that matter to you. So maybe that is about exams, but I suspect it's most likely to be around day-to-day things, such as having a conversation with someone you like, maybe even asking them out, wanting to be included in a particular group at school, being invited to the party that everyone seems to be going to, but you, whether it's about likes, shares and connections on social platforms, or whether it is anything to do with feeling enough, clever enough, popular enough, sporty enough, whatever that enough piece is. I hope that this really speaks to you and gives you something that you can take away. I think it's. It's probably helpful for me to introduce myself a little bit, because you're listening to this podcast, you probably don't know who I am. I am a psychologist and a parenting expert, and I've been working with young people for over 20 years, really around anything to do with confidence, and also around anxieties, that kind of, when we feel overwhelmed and stressed about anything. So when the stakes feel high is really about when you've got those uncomfortable feelings in your body, and also that internal narrative that says that you can't do, or what if something disastrous happens. So before I kind of give you some specific helpful tips, I think it's useful to start with a little bit of context about the difference between situations that we find ourselves in, which we feel really capable and competent to cope with, and situations that we find ourselves in, where we feel overwhelmed. And I want you to imagine a seesaw. It's one of those. Seesaws that you maybe have been on in a playground, where people sit on either side of the seesaw, and you basically use your feet to go up and down. If you imagine yourself in a situation where you feel confident, capable, maybe it's even your happy place, your seesaw is beautifully imbalanced. What you perceive are the demands being placed on you on one side, are equally met and matched by what you perceive are the resources that you have to cope. So you have this really lovely balanced seesaw. saw. However, when the stakes feel high, when it really matters to us about the outcome of something, and it's often not things that matter so much to our parents or even our teachers, but when it really matters to us and we don't feel that we have the capability within us to be able to manage it, or we're caught in that infinite loop of all of the worst case scenarios, you know, what if this happens and I ask that person out and then they say, oh my goodness me, you, no, loser, or we embarrass ourselves in a particular situation, or we're the only one that is excluded from that party. And when we try to invite ourselves, we feel embarrassed and ashamed because they say that they don't like us and they don't want us to be there. Whatever that situation feels like, you have this imbalanced seesaw. So imagine a seesaw where you've got an adult on one side and a really lightweight child. On the other, it's completely out of kilter. And that's what it feels like when we're feeling overwhelmed. The demands, the perceived demands that we feel that situation requires from us is so unbelievably heavy. And the resources that we have, the perceived resources that we have to cope with it feels so lightweight that we can't possibly cope. And that usually results in the chitter chatter in our head that is that critical voice, as well as all of those difficult situations that we're in. And that's what we feel like when we're feeling overwhelmed. Deep pitted feelings in our stomach, that heart beating faster, those sweaty palms, all of that discomfort that we feel. So first, it's being able to recognize that when I'm speaking to you about the things that can help, I'm speaking specifically to when your seesaw is out of balance. Now, I am sure you have been told a million times about how incredible your brain is. But I want to touch on something that's slightly different about your brain. I'm going to be sharing all of the. Sharing some slides with you as part of this episode, if you would like to download it from the free resource library, that's drmaryhand.com forward slash library, because I'm going to talk about some very specific things that it's much easier for you to be able to see visually than it is for me to be able to describe it. But the important thing to remember is that your brain basically has one function, and that function is to keep you safe. Now, when the stakes feel high, that potential shame spiral, that potential embarrassment, is actually about keeping you safe. Your brain doesn't want you to be in a situation where you may feel ashamed, where you may feel embarrassed, or where you may think that others may laugh, and that that would put you in that really difficult shame spiral situation. And so the conversations that you have in your head, the way that your brain tries to protect you is by removing you from that situation or helping you actively avoid it. When the stakes feel high, what we really want in lots of ways is to feel that courageous ability to just feel that discomfort and do it anyway. And when you're looking at other kids around you, whether they're other children, whether they're other teens, other young people, that just seem to float through life. You know, everything seems effortless. They're popular. They get on well with people easily. They make friends really easy. They can have conversations. They seem to be at ease with everything. Maybe they're super attractive. Maybe they've got incredible physiques. And you're sat on this outside looking in at that and feeling, why is it so effortless for them and yet so difficult for me? Now, two things I would say. Firstly, is it's really difficult when we're looking at the outside of somebody to make a real judgment call about how confident they are. It looks to us like they're super confident. But I would say with the 25 years experience that I've had working with young people, often those who look supremely confident on the outside are not necessarily as confident on the inside. Because I've worked with hundreds and thousands of them who would then say that they're putting on a front. They're trying to look a particular way at school and in front of their peers, but they don't feel that way. So that's the first thing I would say. But the second thing I would say is, okay, if we give them the benefit of the doubt, if I give you the benefit of the doubt and just simply say, do you know what? Actually, yep, they're supremely confident. They do find things easy. What I will say to you is, they still feel all the discomfort that you do. Their seesaw tilts in exactly the same way as yours does. They have that internal conversation that says, I can't. What if I'm not popular enough? Whatever that might be, they have that the same way as you. The difference is they go ahead in spite of that conversation. They do it anyway. Hence the saying, feel the fear and do it anyway. We all feel it. The difference is they'll just go ahead and do it anyway. So it's about recognising that your brain and the thought patterns that you end up having are not always true because your brain's role is to keep you safe. And if it feels like that situation has some risk of shame or embarrassment, it will tell you to avoid it. So what you will find in the resource library, if you head into there, is some slides here and there are, where if you look at slide five and six, you will have a set of two parallel lines in slide five. And the reason why I've drawn those and particularly why I've drawn them on lined paper is that your eyes, when they're looking at those two parallel lines, are seeing that those lines are exactly the same length. That's the job of your eyes. It can see, it's looking at information in your environment constantly. Now, when you look on slide six, I've changed, I've added something to those lines. I've added something to those lines. And now suddenly, instead of our eyes doing all of the work at seeing the two lines, our brain is getting involved and now trying to make sense of these extra squiggles that I've put on and trying to make sense of that from your lived experience. And what you'll find is when you look at it, it's an optical illusion, a very famous one that you can find anywhere. But what your brain is now telling you is that the line on the right-hand side is longer than the line on the left-hand side. We know they're exactly the same. In fact, you can see that because of the way that we've put the lines, we've drawn them on lined paper. But because your brain has now got involved, the brain that doesn't see things as they truly are, because it's all in self-preservation, the brain that doesn't see things as they truly are, the brain that doesn't see things as they takes all of the experiences that you have so whether you're eight you're listening to this and you've got eight years worth of experience whether you're 17 and you've got 17 years of experience whether you're in your 20s and you've got 20 plus years all of your life experiences come into your interpretation of those lines and exactly the same thing happens when our experiences interpret social situations situations where the stakes feel high if we have experienced success if socially we've had lots of success and we feel socially competent and capable then all of those years experience feed into when the stakes feel high and we feel that we can but if we have found maybe friendships haven't turned out the way that they thought they would be maybe we've been let down maybe people have stepped over our boundaries maybe they've been let down maybe they've been let down maybe they've been let down maybe they've been let down maybe they've been let down maybe people have stepped over our boundaries maybe they've maybe we've been bullied maybe there's been situations where our our trust in others has not been reciprocated they have not shown that level of trust they've not been worthy of that trust then of course that's going to feed into every situation we find ourselves in afterwards because our experience has been that people are not trustworthy or social situations are difficult for us or people aren't always as they seem and so that all feeds into into those situations when the stakes are high and that's the conversations that we have in our head and if you imagine on your shoulder on one side of your shoulder you've got the voice of your inner critic the critic that is saying you're not clever enough you're not popular enough you're not thin enough you're not fast enough you're not whatever it is enough or that voice that says what if it all goes horribly wrong what if i say something embarrassing what if i do the wrong thing and people laugh that's the inner critic that's the inner critic that's the inner critic that's the inner critic that's the inner critic now you have another voice on the other shoulder that's the voice of your best self the voice of your cheerleader the voice of your best friend now contrary to what that sounds like it isn't a voice that is saying you are so amazing you can do absolutely anything just go for it go from negative to positive that's absolutely not what the voice of your best self is that's not your cheerleader your cheerleader is much more pragmatic they're critical they are saying i know this feels really hard and i know you're having conversations around what if these disastrous things happen but in the past once you've started it's generally been okay i know this feels scary and the stakes feel high but what if it actually ends up being successful there are people here to support you you're loved you're liked whatever that champion and that voice of the best of that best friend might be it's the advice that you would give to someone else the advice that when you're not caught up in those big emotions that riddle you with that self-doubt would say why not and in my sort of world i love saying to myself what's the worst that could happen because for me that actually is really really helpful because when i think things through the worst thing that could happen for me is always within something i can cope with now i know some of you will be listening to this that statement and i say this to young people all of the time whether i'm in schools or whether i'm working with young people one-to-one and it divides people it's like marmite some love it some absolutely hate it because some will say well mary hann let me tell you what the worst thing that could happen is it could be this it could be that it could be that so maybe that doesn't work for you but maybe something else does but it's really trying to work out your critic is going to be voicing super super loudly because it's keeping you protected from that shame and potential embarrassment what we're trying to do with that cheerleader or that voice of our best friend of our best self is to find a statement short and sharp and sweet that is super helpful that sounds like us that we can say internally in our head whenever we find ourselves in situations where the stakes feel really high that helps us feel that little bit more capable that little bit braver that little bit more able to feel the fear and do it anyway because what we repeatedly say ends up becoming our habit so if we keep telling ourselves that we're not popular enough if we keep telling ourselves that we're rubbish at exams maybe if we tell ourselves we can never revise or people never invite us whatever that we tell ourselves begins that creates our reality and we can flip it we can switch it now i'm going to be honest it's not going to happen overnight the longer you have been telling yourself critically whatever that dialogue is the longer it's going to take to unravel it but it is possible and i know it's possible because of the years of work that i've had working with young people i have seen it so i'm going to make a promise to myself that each and every day you're going to do a bit of a tiny bit of self-reflection this isn't something that you need to journal about unless you particularly want to but you're just going to have a little bit of quiet reflection about your day and looking to improve on your feeling brave your inner critic voice changing some of that so that each day you're making a one percent improvement now if you improved by just one percent if you looked to tweak something by the tiniest of fractions each and every day you wouldn't end up being 365 percent better because that's 365 days in the year one percent instead of being 365 percent better so three and a bit times you'll actually end up being 37 times better at whatever it is where the stakes feel high for you and that could be social situations that could be about studying it could be about friendships it could be about how you feel about yourself whatever that is you can do that with the one percent rule so i'm going to talk about two three things that i'd like you to consider the first thing i want you to consider is what's in your control and what's out of your control so often what happens is we get so focused on all of the things that actually we can't make any difference to we can't make any difference to have any impact on because it's completely outside of our control rather than focusing in on what are the things that we can do so what's out of your control is what happens around you you can't control that much as you'd like to you can't what's also outside of your control is what other people think of you we can try and influence and of course that's what we do when we're desperate to try and be popular and accepted but fundamentally whether someone likes you or whether they don't like you is not down to you but down to them and the sooner we can let go of that the better because i'm going to talk about the things that are in your control so it's not like you can't do anything but fixating on other people liking you is something that is out of your control and you are using up energy on something that you fundamentally can't change you can't actually control the outcome of the efforts that you put in you can put the effort in but we don't know what it's going to be in the same way as you can revise loads and loads and but you can't control the grades that you get because so many external factors can have an effect on that the way that you've revised something the way that the question comes up whether it does or doesn't a whole host of other things so we can't control the outcome of our efforts what other people think what happens around us what's happened in the past what may or may not happen in the future and the actions that other people have to take into account so we can't control the outcome of our efforts what other people take they are all outside your control but what we can control what's within our control are the boundaries we set with people the thoughts that we choose to focus on we have around 6 000 thoughts a day and 85 of those are repeated thoughts so we are going to have random thoughts we can't control the thoughts that we have but we can control the thoughts that we choose to run with that we choose to accept and the ones that we choose to take action from so we can choose whether to take action from the thought that says i'm not enough people won't like me what if this awful thing happens but we can also choose the thought that says what if it all goes well what if they do like me and if they don't like me what does it matter those are the the goals we set ourselves we can control how we speak to ourselves how we choose to have conversations with ourselves rather than going down the critic route we can choose to go down around the cheerleader route and we can choose what we give our energy to and we can control how we respond to the emotions that show up when that seesaw is out of balance now so that's the first thing that i would like to share with you that i think is really important and i think it's going to be super super helpful and you're going to have all of this in your little presentation which you can download the second thing i want to talk about is is your stress bucket. Now, I talk about this a lot with young people that I work with. I also talk to parents about it. But the idea is that we all have a bucket which fills throughout the day. Don't really tend to notice that our bucket is getting filled until that last drop goes in. And maybe we kind of react quite explosively with a friend. Or maybe we just lose it and we burst into tears. Maybe we shout at our parents. Maybe we storm into our bedroom, slam the door. Maybe we push a sibling over. So our bucket is filling all of the time. And what's important to remember is what fills your bucket will be very different to what fills other people's buckets. And not all things that go into your bucket fill it equally. Some of you listening to this, when we're talking about when the stakes feel high, your bucket may be filled half or three quarters just by turning up to school every day. For you, the stakes feel high. All around how school makes you feel. And that could be around the academics. That could be around the social situation. It could be around a whole host of things. So it's recognising that for some of you, your bucket is filling super fast most days. And for others, it's a combination of lots of things that then happen. So first, it's about being able to recognise what are the things that actually fill my bucket? And how full does it get? The second bit is about being able to recognise what empties my bucket. Now you'll see on the diagram that there are two taps. One tap has a lovely pool of water underneath it because it actually empties the bucket. These are the things that we actively do that help us release all of the stuff that has happened during the day. Whether that's a little bit of exercise, whether that's listening to music, whether that's having a relaxing bath, whether that's journaling, whether that's having a conversation with a friend, whether it's a breathing exercise. Yeah, I know, I can see the eye roll. Breathing exercises, I know are a pain, but they work incredibly well. That's for another podcast episode. Don't worry, do not switch off. Stay tuned. So you turn the tap one way and it genuinely empties your bucket. What you'll notice with the other tap is that there's a hose pipe. And what happens is we think we're emptying the bucket, but actually all we're doing is refilling it. Now that can be a couple of things. That can be something that you love doing, or maybe that you have always loved doing, that is now also filling your bucket too. So for those of you who are listening who take part in team sports or even individual sports, but at a competitive level. So it may be that you play football, tennis, netball, athletics, swimming, anything that you can name. And actually you really love that. It has always been your happy place. But maybe now that you're competing in a real competitive way, that also forms part of actually filling your bucket because it creates a whole load of stress about your performance. Maybe the stakes feel high for you around your sport. So you're fine with that when it does both things. It empties your bucket because it's a real help in terms of the physicality, but it also fills your bucket in terms of adding additional pressure. And that can be the same if you enjoy art. Maybe you love drawing. That was your happy place. You'd go sketch. You'd do some colouring. You would be creative in some ways. But now maybe you've decided to do GCSE art or you're doing A-level art. And what used to be your happy place has now become a massive stress load because you're being assessed on it. And that can be the same for drama. That can be the same for sport. That can be the same for music. That can be the same for design technology. Whatever it is, there are certain ones that can fill our bucket as well as empty our bucket. And that can be the same for music. Now, the other thing that I would say that is the hosepipe that we feel is emptying our bucket, but is in fact filling it. And I'm very sorry to say, but it is active. It's true is that actually mindless scrolling, doom scrolling on our phone, whether that's through TikTok, Instagram or any other social platform does not empty your bucket. Neither does mindless streaming, box sets or films on whatever your chosen streaming channel is. And neither does gaming. Now, I am not saying that you should not do those. I'm simply saying that they are not bucket emptying activities. And so I would encourage you, if you would like to do those, and I'm not saying that you shouldn't, but instead look to do those earlier in your evening, so that you give yourself the chance to do some of the real bucket emptying afterwards. And the reason why I say that is because I think it's a good thing. Is in my experience, every time I go into a school, there is one question I ask, regardless of the age of the children that I'm working with. And that is how many of you find it difficult to fall asleep at night? And I can tell you, as you get older, the number of hands that go up increases. But generally speaking, probably about six to seven out of 10 children will put up their hands to say that they find it difficult to go to sleep at night. And that's usually because of an inner chitter-chatter, chitter-chatter to your critic. Maybe you're replaying things that have happened during the day, maybe with slightly different endings. So it's almost like these little video clips. And then you have what has happened during the day, but there's a different ending. The things that you wish you should have said, could have done, would have done. And so the reason why the bucket emptying piece is so crucial, and knowing what really empties our bucket and what doesn't, is if we spend too much of our time with the things that don't empty our bucket just before we go to sleep, then that usually feeds into the difficulties falling asleep at night. If we can put all of the things that we like to do, doom scrolling, gaming, whatever that might be, the things that we like to do, if we do that at the front end of our evening when we get back from school, but then on the chunk of time that we have before bed, the sort of two hours or an hour and a half before we go to bed, on the things that really empty our bucket, then that usually means, it's not guaranteed because you have to stick to it, but over time it will have a huge impact on your ability to switch off at night and not take ages to fall asleep and not have that chitter-chatter, chitter-chatter going and then getting in the way of you falling asleep. Last of the slides that you'll have is a picture of a ladder, and the ladder is a way of you using this 1% rule to say to yourself, okay, the top of the ladder is where I'd like to be, for whatever the stakes feel high for you, not for your parents, not for me, not for your teachers, not for anyone else, but for the things that matter to you, that's the top of your ladder, but you're not starting at the top, are you? You're starting at the bottom, because that's where you want to get to. And what we want to look at is where are you now, and what's the one thing that you're prepared to do that does feel uncomfortable, that is going to have your inner critic going, that is going to have your body responding in all sorts of uncomfortable ways, but you're prepared to take that first step, that feeling that fear and doing it anyway, for that 1%. What does that look like for you? It's breaking down whatever is at the top, whether that's asking someone out, whether that's being part of a particular friendship group. Maybe it's just about feeling more comfortable in social situations. Maybe it's about just not being so unkind to yourself in your head, about you not being enough. So maybe that first step is just simply to talk to yourself a little bit more kindly in your head. So what you do is, with that ladder, is you just practice that day in, day out. Create a little mantra, a little statement that you say to yourself. Don't make it cheesy. It's not about going, I'm amazing, but it's just saying, maybe. Maybe I'm working on feeling more comfortable in social situations. I'm working on being more comfortable in a social situation. Maybe that's it. And that you promised yourself that you'll say that five times a day, to yourself, in your head, at some point. And that's all you do at the bottom rung of the ladder. And that begins to tip those 6,000 thoughts away from always being critical, to there's a little bit of nice stuff there. And maybe the next step is, you put yourself in a slightly more, it's a slightly difficult conversation with someone, or a difficult situation, and you tell yourself repeatedly before you do that, that you can. It's working your way up that ladder. And this is where, if you need some help, enlist your parents. Enlist your friends. If you don't want to do this with your parents, if they don't understand, if they're always nagging you, if it's like, oh my goodness, Mary Han, if I talked to them about this, they'd run with it. I'd have a long lecture. It would go on for hours. Definitely not having a conversation with them about it. Maybe have a conversation. Maybe have a conversation with a really good friend or someone that you trust that you can talk to them about these things and see if you can now really work your way up. Because when the stakes feel high, it matters to you. And I can tell you now that I have seen some unbelievable, unimaginable changes with young people who have used all of these strategies for things that have mattered to them. And actually, it hasn't just made things better for them. It's actually ended up making a massive difference in other areas that have mattered to them. to do a bit more from a school perspective from your parents perspective from your teacher's perspective but don't do any of these for anyone other than you and for anything other than what you want to change so i hope that you have found that helpful the just to remind you that the slides can be found because of the imagery that's there and also the resources can be found at my website www.drmaryhand.com forward slash library all you need to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access to this resource and all of the other resources across all my podcast episodes now if you have enjoyed this episode as a young person listening to it and you think do you know what actually it wasn't so bad after all then i would love it if you could rate and review this podcast if you are very young then i would love it if you could rate and review this podcast if you are very young then speak to your parents first and ask them to do the same and the idea is by rating and reviewing this podcast others can find the podcast can benefit in exactly the same way as you have benefited from listening to this episode and we can spread the love so until next time Thank you.
PodcastTranscript AI